29. XXIX.
THE GENTLEMANLY CONDUCTOR.
Few have any idea of the trials and tribulations
of the railway conductor—“the
gentlemanly conductor,” as one-horse newspapers
delight in styling him. Unless you
are gifted with the patience of the lamented
Job, who, tradition informs us, had “biles”
all over his body and didn't swear once,
never go for a Conductor, me boy!
The other evening we enlivened a railroad
car with our brilliant presence. Starting
time was not quite up, and the passengers
were amusing themselves by laughing,
swearing, singing, and talking, according to
their particular fancy. The Conductor
came in and the following were a few of the
questions put to him: One old fellow, who
was wrapped up in a horse-blanket and
who apparently had about two pounds of
pigtail in his mouth, wanted to know “What
pint of compass the keers was travelin' in?”
An old lady, surrounded by band-boxes and
enveloped in flannels, wanted to know what
time the 8 o'clock train left Rock Island
for “Dubu-kue?” A carroty-haired young
man wanted to know if “free omyibuses”
run from the cars to the taverns in Toledo?
A tall, razor-faced individual, evidently from
the interior of Connecticut, desired to know
if “conductin” paid as well eout West as
it did deoun in his country; and a portly,
close-shaven man, with round keen eyes,
and in whose face you could read the interest-table,
asked the price of corner lots in
Omaha. These and many other equally
absurd questions the conductor answered
calmly and in a resigned manner. And
we shuddered as we thought how he would
have to answer a similar string of questions
in each of the three cars ahead.
