University of Virginia Library

8. VIII.
A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM.

Mr. Punch, My dear Sir,—You didn't
get a instructiv article from my pen last
week on account of my nervus sistim havin
underwent a dreffle shock. I got caught
in a brief shine of sun, and it utterly upsot
me. I was walkin in Regent Street one
day last week, enjoyin your rich black fog
and bracing rains, when all at once the
Sun bust out and actooally shone for nearly
half an hour steady. I acted promptly.
I called a cab and told the driver to run his
hoss at a friteful rate of speed to my lodgins,
but it wasn't of no avale. I had orful
cramps, my appytite left me, and my pults
went down to 10 degrees below zero. But
by careful nussin I shall no doubt recover
speedy, if the present sparklin and exileratin
weather continners.

[All of the foregoin is sarcasum.]

It's a sing'lar fack, but I never sot eyes
on your excellent British Mooseum till the
other day. I've sent a great many peple
there, as also to your genial Tower of London,
however. It happened thusly: When
one of my excellent countrymen jest arrived
in London would come and see me
and display a inclination to cling to me too
lengthy, thus showin a respect for me
which I feel I do not deserve, I would sugjest
a visit to the Mooseum and Tower.
The Mooseum would ockepy him a day at
leest, and the Tower another. Thus I've
derived considerable peace and comfort
from them noble edifisses, and I hope they
will long continner to grace your metroplis.
There's my fren Col. Larkins, from Wisconsin,
who I regret to say understands
the Jamaica question, and wants to talk
with me about it; I sent him to the Tower
four days ago, and he hasn't got throogh
with it yit. He likes it very much, and he
writes me that he can't never thank me
sufficient for directin him to so interestin a
bildin. I writ him not to mention it. The

Col. says it is fortnit we live in a intellectooal
age which wouldn't countenance such
infamus things as occurd in this Tower.
I'm aware that it is fashin'ble to compliment
this age, but I ain't so clear that the
Col. is altogether right. This is a very
respectable age, but it's pretty easily riled;
and considerin upon how slight a provycation
we who live in it go to cuttin each
other's throats, it may perhaps be doubted
whether our intellecks is so much massiver
than our ancestors' intellecks was, after all.

I allus ride outside with the cabman. I
am of humble parentage, but I have (if you
will permit me to say so) the spirit of the
eagle, which chafes when shut up in a four-wheeler,
and I feel much eagler when I'm
in the open air. So on the mornin on
which I went to the Mooseum I lit a pipe,
and callin a cab, I told the driver to take me
there as quick as his Arabian charger could
go. The driver was under the inflooence
of beer, and narrerly escaped runnin over
a aged female in the match trade, whereupon
I remonstratid with him. I said,
“That poor old woman may be the only

mother of a young man like you.” Then
throwing considerable pathos into my
voice, I said, “You have a mother?”

He said, “You lie!” I got down and
called another cab, but said nothin to this
driver about his parents.

The British Mooseum is a magnif'cent
free show for the people. It is kept open
for the benefit of all.

The humble costymonger, who traverses
the busy streets with a cart containin all
kinds of vegetables, such as carrots, turnips,
etc., and drawn by a spirited jackass—
he can go to the Mooseum and reap benefits
therefrom as well as the lord of high
degree.

“And this,” I said, “is the British Mooseum!”
These noble walls, “I continnerd,
punching them with my umbreller to see
if the masonry was all right—but I wasn't
allowd to finish my enthoosiastic remarks,
for a man with a gold band on his hat said,
in a hash voice, that I must stop pokin the
walls. I told him I would do so by all
means. “You see,” I said, taking hold of
the tassel which waved from the man's belt,

and drawin him close to me in a confidential
way, “You see, I'm lookin round this
Mooseum, and if I like it I shall buy it.”

Instid of larfin hartily at these remarks,
which was made in a goakin spirit, the man
frowned darkly and walked away.

I first visited the stuffed animals, of
which the gorillers interested me most.
These simple-minded monsters live in
Afriky, and are believed to be human beins
to a slight extent, altho' they are not
allowed to vote. In this deparment is one
or two superior giraffes. I never woulded
I were a bird, but I've sometimes wished I
was a giraffe, on account of the long distance
from his mouth to his stummuck.
Hence, if he loved beer, one mugful would
give him as much enjoyment while goin
down as forty mugfuls would ordinary persons.
And he wouldn't get intoxicated,
which is a beastly way of amusin oneself, I
must say. I like a little beer now and then,
and when the teetotallers inform us, as
they frekently do, that it is vile stuff, and
that even the swine shrink from it, I say it
only shows that the swine is a ass who

don't know what's good; but to pour gin
and brandy down one's throat as freely as
though it were fresh milk, is the most idiotic
way of goin' to the devil that I know of.

“I enjoyed myself very much lookin at
the Egyptian mummys, the Greek vasis,
etc., but it occurd to me there was rayther
too many “Roman antiquitys of a uncertin
date.” Now, I like the British Mooseum, as
I said afore, but when I see a lot of erthen
jugs and pots stuck up on shelves, and all
“of a uncertin date,” I'm at a loss to
'zackly determin whether they are a thousand
years old or was bought recent. I
can cry like a child over a jug one thousand
years of age, especially if it is a Roman
jug; but a jug of a uncertin date
doesn't overwhelm me with emotions.
Jugs and pots of a uncertin age is doubtless
vallyable property, but, like the debentures
of the London, Chatham and Dover
Railway, a man doesn't want too many of
them.

I was debarred out of the great readinroom.
A man told me I must apply by
letter for admission, and that I must get

somebody to testify that I was respectable.
I'm a little 'fraid I shan't get in there. Seein
a elderly gentleman, with a beneverlent-lookin
face near by, I venturd to ask him if
he would certify that I was respectable.
He said he certainly would not, but he
would put me in charge of a policeman, if
that would do me any good. A thought
struck me. “I refer you to Mr. Punch,”
I said.

“Well,” said a man, who had listened to
my application, “you have done it now!
You stood some chance before.” I will get
this infamus wretch's name before you go
to press, so you can denounce him in the
present number of your excellent journal.

The statute of Apollo is a pretty slick
statute. A young yeoman seemed deeply
imprest with it. He viewd it with silent
admiration. At home, in the beautiful
rural districks where the daisy sweetly
blooms, he would be swearin in a horrible
manner at his bullocks, and whacking 'em
over the head with a hayfork; but here, in
the presence of Art, he is a changed bein.

I told the attendant that if the British

nation would stand the expens of a marble
bust of myself, I would willingly sit to some
talented sculpist. “I feel,” I said, “that
this is a dooty I owe to posterity.” He
said it was hily prob'l, but he was inclined
to think that the British nation wouldn't
care to enrich the Mooseum with a bust of
me, altho' he venturd to think that if I
paid for one myself it would be accepted
cheerfully by Madam Tussaud, who would
give it a prom'nent position in her Chamber
of Horrers. The young man was very
polite, and I thankt him kindly.

After visitin the Refreshment room and
partakin of half a chicken “of a uncertin
age,” like the Roman antiquitys I have
previsly spoken of, I prepared to leave.
As I passed through the animal room I
observed with pane that a benevolint person
was urgin the stufft elephant to accept
a cold muffin, but I did not feel called on
to remonstrate with him, any more than I
did with two young persons of diff'rent
sexes who had retired behind the Rynosserhoss
to squeeze each other's hands. In
fack, I rayther approved of the latter proceedin,

for it carrid me back to the sunny
spring-time of my life. I'm in the shear
and yeller leaf now, but I don't forgit the
time when to squeeze my Betsy's hand
sent a thrill through me like follin off
the roof of a two-story house; and I never
squozed that gentle hand without wantin
to do so some more, and feelin that it did
me good.