University of Virginia Library

7. CHAPTER VII.
A conspiracy against the liberties of the infant republic; and
President M'Goggin is elected to rule over it.

At the end of this space, the trustees succeeded in
engaging the services of a personage, who, I verily
believe, was procured for the sole purpose of testing
the efficacy of the brutum fulmen, of subjugating
us by main force; for he was an illiterate vulgar dolt,
an Irishman just caught, who professed, as he said
himself, to teach nothing but “r'ading, writing,
'rithmetic, and dacent manners;” although, in other
respects, the very man the trustees wanted. His
name was M'Goggin. He was six-feet high, and
limbed and shouldered like a Hercules; and, indeed,
of such strength and activity, that, had he been set at
the business for which he was best qualified—that is,
canal-digging—I have no doubt he would have cut
through the Isthmus of Panama in a month, without
any assistance. He had an ugly look, too, about the
eyes, which, besides being of the colour of a cat's,
were overshadowed by a pair of brows of such a bigness
and appearance that they looked like two stuffed
rat-skins stuck on with glue; and his complexion
was of the hue of sole-leather, plentifully besprinkled
with freckles of the size of half-dimes. To add to
his demerits, he was entirely incapable of fear, and
had such a natural love of a row, that, when informed

by the trustees of our character and doings, and the
probability, or indeed, certainty of his soon being
embroiled with us, he rubbed his hands with satisfaction,
and declared we were “swate little divils,”
and that “we should get along very well together.”

I remember very well the impression which the
first view of this destined enslaver produced upon
the scholars; and it was none the weaker for some
hints of his qualities which had begun to circulate
among us. We were assembled at the Academy door,
comparing accounts, when the new President was
pointed out by one who had seen him before, crossing
the street to a turnstile, which led into the
schoolhouse green, through a fence full five feet high.
We all pronounced him a giant, and some one said
he looked as if he could “walk over the fence like
nothing;” a declaration, which, though made in jest,
was justified by the event; for the gentleman, neglecting
the stile, either because he did not see it, or
scorned to pass by a mode so humble and commonplace,
suddenly leaped into the air and over the
fence, without so much as laying his hands upon it;
which, indeed, he could not do, both hands being
occupied by two mysterious-looking bundles, the
nature of which, at that distance, we could not make
out. The facility with which he performed this
wondrous feat, as if it were a matter of every day's
occurrence, and the appearance he had in the air so
like a fiery dragon or a flying dromedary, struck a
kind of terror into the youthful republicans, who
looked upon one another with blank visages; and
then, as Mr. M'Goggin drew nigh, slunk away silently
into the school, and betook them to their
seats.

In a moment more, M'Goggin entered; and we
then saw that the two bundles he carried were composed

of goodly birchen twigs, there being at least
a groce of them altogether; and this sight, it may be
supposed, did not banish the chill of our first impressions.
These odious emblems of rule, carried on
his shoulders like the fasces of a Roman lictor, he
bore to the master's desk, situated on a platform;
which having ascended, he turned upon us the light
of his countenance, and roared, (for his voice was
like the bellow of a bull,) in tones that made the
glasses rattle, and, I might almost add, some of our
bones into the bargain—“Good morrow till ye, ye
spalpeens! I'm your masther and t'acher—Get up
and make me a bow, to show your good manners.”

Now whether it was that there was electricity in
his tones, or that we were all willing to prove we
were well bred young gentlemen, it is very certain
that every soul in school, at these words, bounced
up and fell to scraping and ducking with the utmost
civility; which being done, the invader, dropping
down upon his chair, roared out again, before we
could follow his example and resume our seats, which
we were about to do—“Stand at aise!—as ye are,
ye rapperees, 'till I lay down the law till ye!”

In this, also, he was obeyed; though I cannot say
any of us actually stood at our ease, but, on the contrary,
we remained casting wild and anxious glances
one upon another, as if doubting whether we had
not of a sudden got some dangerous nondescript animal,
instead of a new preceptor, among us. But the
gentleman gave us no time for pondering. “Now,
ye blackguards!” he cried, “listen to my spache, and
remimber it every letther; and him that doesn't,
belave me, I'll have the skin of him. D'ye hear,
ye vagebones! Now, thin, I'm tould ye're an iligant
set of divil's imps, one an' all, that knows
nayther manners, nor obadience, nor dacency of behaviour;

but, arrah, ye divils, look me in the face,
till I tell ye what I am of meself, that is the Masther
over ye!”

Every eye was at once obediently turned upon the
gentleman, who with furious voice, and hideous contortions
of countenance, like a bulldog taking physic,
continued:

“Be the powers, I'm nothing at all at all, only
jist the gentleman that will bate the wickedness out
of ye! D'ye hear that, ye rapscallions?”

And with that, Mr. M'Goggin, whose ire seemed
to rise at the sound of his own voice, jumped up
again; and flourishing his birches, a whole bundle
at at ime, again burst forth: “D'ye want to be licked,
ye divils? I'm tould, ye're grand fighting ganiuses.
But d'ye want it? Does any of ye want it? If so,
spake; spake up like big little fellows, any of ye;
for, be me sowl, I'm itching to begin wid ye!”

This harangue, or rather defiance, for it was nothing
less, the horrid fellow concluded by marching
round the room, and prying into every countenance,
as if for the purpose of finding some one disposed to
try conclusions with him; and it is wonderful with
what pacific modesty every eye was cast to the floor,
the moment Mr. M'Goggin stood before its possessor.
Even General Dicky Dare, who we thought could
face Old Nick himself, was observed to become so
studious and intent upon a sum he was working on
his slate, as the gorgon passed, as to be quite unable
to lift his eyes up to it. In short, we were all very
peaceably inclined that morning, and stood the challenge
with patience—because, as we agreed, as soon
as we got out of school, Mr. M'Goggin was a stranger,
and it was not worth while to quarrel with
him at the first introduction. Besides, as we also

concluded, it would be just as well to wait a while,
to know what sort of a person he was.

In this particular, Mr. M'Goggin did all he could
to gratify us, by laying open his characteristics as fast
as possible. I should rather say, his characteristic,
for he had but one; and that was a raging desire to
get an opportunity to trounce some of us. He sat upon
the watch all day long, birch in hand, threatening,
fifty times an hour, if a boy did but look up, or
scratch his head, or drop a book, or stir on his seat,
or do, in fact, any thing at all, to “bate” him, if he
did that again; and as we were all too intent upon
the study of his characteristics, as above, to think
of giving him such an opportunity of quarrelling with
us, it so happened that, for five whole days, to the
infinite astonishment of the whole town, we were
the best behaved boys that were ever seen in a
school-room.