University of Virginia Library

6. CHAPTER VI.
The Academy is converted into a Republic; and how it prospered
under its Presidents.

The exploit was productive also of another effect
extremely advantageous to our schoolboy interests.
It set the town people to discussing the merits
of the flogging system of education; which being
now brought under consideration for the first time,
was pronounced by the majority entirely unsuited
to the character and genius of a republican people;
whose children, it was demonstrated, ought to be
brought up with the highest ideas of personal independence
and honour, of freedom and equality, which
the tyranny of the rod must inevitably beat out of
their tender spirits. To subject them to the sway of a
despot in youth, was to prepare them for slavery in
their riper years, to render them the ready prey of
any designing demagogue, who might aim at the
liberties of the people. In short, this question (there
being a minority opposed to the new doctrine,) produced
a furious ferment in the town, and would, I
doubt not, in time, have resulted in an entire change
in the State Government; for it was fast assuming a
political aspect; when it was put an end to by the
minority yielding the point, and agreeing with the
others that the Academy should thenceforth be governed
on republican principles—that is, that there
should be no more flogging.

In pursuance of this resolve, a new teacher was
sought for, capable of administering Hic-hæc-hoc on
the new system; and a worthy personage, who had
previously made application for the vacancy, and
was willing to try the experiment, was engaged, and
forthwith entered upon his Presidential labours.

The experiment, in his hands, lasted only a fortnight;
for whether it was that he was at heart opposed
to the system, or that we were as yet too
young in liberty to know how to enjoy the blessing
in moderation, it is very certain that, at the expiration
of the second week, he summoned the Trustees
together, assured them that the republican system of
schoolkeeping was all moonshine, and declared that
unless he was permitted to resort to the ultima
ratio pædagogorum, i. e. the birch, to maintain his
authority, he must give up his charge altogether.
And as he was as resolute in his demand as the
Trustees were in refusing it, the controversy ended
in his immediate abdication.

A new teacher was soon obtained, who warmly
approved of the new principle, and averred, that,
from his experience, boys were more easily, as well
as more profitably, governed by appealing to their
pride and good sense than to their palms and shoulders—that
the rod, which always left the memory
and taint of dishonour, or any kind of bodily punishment,
did more harm than good—that he had never
trounced a lad in his life; but in extreme cases, had
found that exposing the culprit to the ridicule of his
playmates, was sufficient, and, indeed, the most effectual
punishment that could be inflicted. And this
kind of punishment he proposed to administer by
means of a foolscap or ass's head, I know not which
he called it, (but I remember it had long ears, with
little bells all over it,) to be clapped on the offender's

head; and this the trustees, after he had displayed it
for their inspection and admiration on his own
head, (which, I think, it must have become exceedingly,)
agreed he should be permitted to introduce
into the school.

The first trial was unfortunately made upon the
poll of General Dickey Dare, for some slight
offence—I believe, whistling Yankee Doodle in the
midst of a recitation, of which he was growing
tired—who took it in great dudgeon, and indeed,
flung it out the window; a freedom that the President,
forgetting his horror of all bodily punishment,
resisted by a furious box on the ear. This outrage,
the more intolerable, as all now knew that the
trustees themselves had espoused our cause, and forbidden
flogging in toto, was instantly avenged by a
volley of inkstands from all quarters of the room;
by which the aggressor was so amazed and terrified
that he immediately leaped out of the same window
that had given exit to the foolscap, which, with himself,
was never more seen in the Academy.

The next teacher obtained, met the views of all
concerned, being a very amiable, indolent personage
who agreed the more readily to adopt the republican
system, as he had just brains enough to perceive it
would save him a vast deal of trouble. He seemed
very well content we should do as we pleased, get
our lessons when we liked, and as we liked, come
in and go out, laugh, talk, play, fight, or do any
thing else just as we thought proper; a degree of
forbearance that won our entire love and respect,
which we were accustomed to show by peppering
him, whenever he was in a brown study, with potato
popguns and showers of ripe elder-berries; by
emptying the ink bottle on his chair, when he appeared
in white trowsers, and strewing it with pin

caltrops when in brown; and by sundry other innocent
tricks, wherewith tender juvenals delight to
show their affection. These little freedoms, it is
true, sometimes drove him into a passion, when he
scolded at us with great energy and emphasis; but
they gave him no disgust to the school, in which he
might have perhaps remained the president to this
day, had it not been for a discovery made by some
busy bodies, which brought his administration to a
close, after six months' sway, and wrought somewhat
of a change in public opinion on the subject of the
new system.

The discovery was, that, under the said system,
learning was at a stand-still, the boys having actually
advanced in nothing but mischief during all that
period. The system was again brought under discussion;
the minority who had originally opposed
it, repeated their denunciations; and, after another
squabble, which, this time, bade fair to shake even
the National Government, (so hot, furious, political
and patriotic were the passions it excited,) our enemies
prevailed, and schoolboy rights and schoolboy
glory fell for ever.

It was now urged, that the best way to bring up
the boys of a republic in detestation of tyrants, was
to put tyrants over them during their school days,
and thwack them into a thorough appreciation of
the horrors and inconveniences of oppression. In
short, it was agreed that the Ancien Régime should
be restored, and the birch used as before; or, at
least, so far as was necessary to help us along with
our books, and keep us on our best behaviour.

In coming to this resolution, our enemies (for so
we now considered the trustees, and all who took
part with them,) forgot the lessons of history and
experience; which teach, that, however easy it may

be to enslave a people who have enjoyed freedom so
long as to be tired of it, it is by no means easy to
subjugate those who have just come to a taste of it.
Had they pondered this truth a little, they would
have saved themselves a good deal of surprise at
what befell, upon the third day of the reign of the
new master they had appointed to rule over us;
when that indiscreet personage, having flourished
his rod for the first time, was valiantly set upon by
General Dare and the rest, and ejected from the
premises, after having suffered a castigation ten times
more severe and wholesome than any he could have
ever designed to inflict.

Another teacher was obtained, and with a like result;
and then another, whose reign was as briefly
and ingloriously brought to an end; by which time,
the trustees, who were now unanimously of opinion,
that the democratic system had ruined us, and were
resolved to leave no means untried to flog us into
submission, began to perceive a difficulty in obtaining
masters—those whom we had driven from the
chair having united in representing us as such a set
of bloody-minded young desperadoes, nay, of incarnate
imps, that others of the race were filled with
terror, and declined having any thing to do with the
school; and, in fact, there was an inter-regnum of
two months, during which we happy republicans enjoyed
a famous holiday.