University of Virginia Library

Scene III.

—Village Market Place, with Fair going on. Grand Ballet of peasants, soldiers, and fisher girls. At the close of the Ballet all the persons on the stage move towards the entrance from which Dulcamara is to appear. Then Dr. Dulcamara appears (R.) in a magnificent chariot drawn by a donkey; on the donkey is seated Beppo. The chariot stops in the C. of Stage.
Dul
(through a speaking trumpet)
Ta ran ta ra! Ta ran ta ra ra, ra ra!
Here you behold the famous Dulcamara.
This is my donkey—sent me from Aleppo—
This is my other donkey—silly Beppo.
(Throughout this scene Beppo affects the character of a drivelling idiot, except when soliloquizing.)
His loss of wits don't make him eat a bit less,
He eats his wittles, tho' the fellow's wit (tle) less.
Although of learned titles I've a score,
I'm Doctor Dulcamara—nothing more!
No doser of his patients, here I show,
I am no jalaping snob of Savile Row!
I cure all maladies, in every station,
By my new process—simple inhalation,
(Producing an enormous pair of bellows.)
Which means that I amass my patients' wealth
By telling them that they're in ailing health!
(to a peasant)
Say, do you ever have to scratch your head? (peasant nods)

You do? Consumption you are bound to dread!
(to another)
Say, do you ever yawn in church?

(second peasant)
I do.

[Dul]
Consumption, sir has tackled on to you!
(to a third)
You, when you run a mile, are out of breath? (peasant nods)

Why, bless my soul, my man, that's certain death!
(to a fourth)
Say, can you punish bread and cheese and beer—
Make fearful mounds of victuals disappear—
Consume your dinner with voracious rage? (peasant nods vigorously)

Consumption in its most destructive stage!
(to another)
Say, do you ever cough, or ever wheeze?
Or ever whoop or hack, or ever sneeze?
Or ever breathe with dreadful difficulty?

(peasant)
No!

[Dul]
Then one lung's gone—ere long the other'll go.
But I dont stick to invalid society—
I've books, toys, dolls in every variety.
(Produces a model gun.)
Here is a model gun, contrived last season—
And made to “go off” cheap—and for this reason—
The maker wasn't paid, that I'm aware—
But after all, that's neider here not there!
(Producing books.)
Here are some poems, which in my chaise are pack't,
They're rather—h'm—You understand? In fact
(confidentially)
I shall suppress them—which will prove their blessing—

Tom
I think I'll take one, since you are suppressing!

(Villagers crowd to buy the books.)
Dul
(producing another book)
Here's breathing liberty, in one long column,
A treatise on Reform—by Green—one Wallum!
(Producing picture of a policeman.)
Want a policeman? it's a bob; not dear— (they shake their heads.)

I thought you didn't, or he'd not be here.

Song—Dulcamara and Chorus.
Air—“Io son ricco.”
Buy my goods, as I'm advising
Buy for microscopic sum,
(For its cheapness is surprising,)
My Odontolagicum!
Ev'ry shilling that you venture
Half-a-guinea you may call—
If you spend it on debenture,
It will go for good and all.

Chorus
—Yes, we buy as you're advising, &c.

(During Chorus the peasants crowd round the Doctor and buy various articles of him, then the cart is taken away L., and the women gradually go off with the soldiers, leaving the male peasants, with Nemorino and Tomaso, alone with Dulcamara and Beppo, who drivels idiotically about the stage.)
Nem
(taking Dulcamara aside confidently, with the other male peasants)
We want you to assist us in our plight—
These soldiers have enslaved our sweethearts quite;
The love that they've professed for many a day
Seems to have faded from their hearts away:
Like some cheap photo—taken for one's cara—
In a dull camera, great Dulcamara.
We want 'em back—can you perform the trick, sir?

Dul
Of course I can!—try my far-famed Elixir (producing bottles).

Use it as these instructions here direct—
No girl your love can possibly reject.
One shilling and three-ha'pence—failing never!

Nem
(reading)
It's Madame Rachel's “Beautiful for Ever!”
But we must work all day on yonder plain,
So, won't our faces soon turn brown again
At any sun that's then the heavens crowning?

Dul
If you're at any sun you can't be browning!

Duet—Nemorino, Dulcamara, and Chorus.
Air—“Champagne Charley is my name.”
Nem
Our lovers all desert us for these military swells,
And all alike they've gone on strike, these fickle village belles;
We'll lay it on as thick as mud before we go to bed,
And “beautiful for ever” in the morning be instead.
For sham complexion is our aim,
Sham complexion is our aim;
We'll put it on the latest thing at night, boys;
To-morrow we'll be fascinating quite, boys!

All
Sham complexion is their/our aim, &c.,

Dul
If you have any doubt about the truth of Doctor D.
You've only got to cast your eye upon the face of me.
A plainer man than I was once you very seldom see,
But now I am as beautiful as you could wish to be.
My sham complexion brings me fame,
My sham complexion brings me fame;
I lay it on the latest thing at night, boys—
In the morning I am fascinating quite, boys.

All
Sham complexion brings me/him fame, &c.

(They all go off R. except Beppo, who watches them carefully off—then looking around him with an air of mystery, he comes cautiously down to the footlights. He then suddenly throws off all appearance of imbecility.)
Beppo
(with startling suddenness to audience)
I am not what I seem! An idiot? No!
Much farther from the truth you couldn't go!
An idiot? Ha! ha! ha! My senses waning?
The notion's really very entertaining!
No doubt you think I'm water-on-the-brainy,
A poor contemptible half-witted zany—
A mere jack-pudding, trained to thump and thwack—
A goose who travels with a noisy quack!
I'm no such thing! away with this inaning!
I am a mystery, that wants explaining!
Why am I here in this disgraceful dress?
Why do I paint my head with this black mess?
Why thus affect the semblance of inanity?
Affecting thus the zany—and inzanity?
(confidentially)
Well, then, I'm— (starts)
Ha! (reassured)
It's nothing! Well then, I'm—
(mysteriously)
But, soft—we are observed!—another time!

(Enter Nemorino (R.) Beppo perceives him, and immediately resumes the demeanour of a zany. He dances off idiotically.)
Nem
Oh, happiness will surely turn my brain!
To-morrow, I begin to live again!
Then will my tanned complexion surely seem,
Like intermingled strawberries and cream!
My nose—which I inherit from my pater—
Like geological deposits—straighter.
And thanks to Rachel, wheresoe'er I go,
I shall be stormed by every girl I know;
Thus reproducing in this peacefull dell,
That good old play, the sieging of Rachelle.

(Enter at the back—Adina, on Belcore's arm, L., and all the female villagers arm-in-arm with the soldiers, unseen by Nemorino. He sings the following song without knowing that they are listening, until the chorus at the end.)
Song and Chorus—(Nemorino.)
Air—March from “Ching-Chow-Hi.”
Nem
Oh, happiness is in our reach!

Chorus
Oh!

Nem
Lovers will be found for each!

Chorus
Lo!

Nem
Maidens for my heart will sigh!

Chorus
So!

Nem
Beautiful for ever, I!

Chorus
No!

Nem
'Dina I will go and see.

Chorus
Go!
Go!

Nem
Slow my love for her will be.

Chorus
Slow!

Nem
Treat her as she treated me.
(dancing)
Happy Nemmy! happy Nemmy! ha, ha, ha!
Happy Nemmy! happy Nemmy! ha, ha, ha!

Chorus
(dancing)
Happy Nemmy! happy Nemmy! ha, ha, ha! &c.

(Nemorino perceives that he was overheard, and assumes a disconcerted look. Villagers go off R. laughing, leaving Nemorino, Adina, and Belcore.)
Nem
(annoyed)
Oh, listening, madam!

Adi
(laughing)
Well, of all the louts!
The welkin's ringing with derisive shouts.

Nem
Then, by all rules by which I've been instructed,
The welkin isn't very well kin-ducted.
I love you not—to all your beauties I'm
Insensible, though once upon a time
I doated on you wildly—see my notes!

Bel
It's time you left off sowing your wild doats.

Adi
I wonder why!

Nem
You wonder why, you say!
When through the town you wander all the day
Without a chaperone—with him alone!

Adi
(tenderly to Belcore)
What girl would not call such a chap her own?

Nem
It's pity, not contempt, for you I feel.

(Belcore starts.)
Adi
(to Belcore)
Don't hurt him—he's a harmless ne'er-do-weel
Whom no girl speaks of in endearing tone—
Nobody's Nenemy-no but his own (she sees Nemorino laughing).

To-morrow week we wed.

Nem
(aside)
For all your plotting,
Before to-morrow night you'll send him trotting.
Before the morning breaks, as I expect,
My philtre will have worked its full effect;
Her love will flow, however much I jilt her,
In a clear stream, when to my lips comes philtre.

Trio—Nemorino, Belcore, and Adina.
Prelude to “Esulti per la barbara”—Elisir.
Nem
Right away I'll tod-tod-tod-tod-toddle,
Right away I'll toddle—right away I'll toddle.

Adi
Grief has turned his nod-nod-nod-nod-noddle,
Grief has turned his noddle, anyone can see.

Bel
Lovers all despairing—better far than wearing
Faces as dispirited as faces well can be.
Take him as your mod-mod-mod-mod-model,
Take him as your model, take him as your model.

All
Right away I'll/he'll tod, &c.

(Enter Tomaso, R. U. E., with ill-concealed joy, followed by all the peasants; he gives sergeant a paper.)
Tom
There's a revolt in a far distant town—
You're all to go to-night and put it down.
You've no idea how all we fellows feel it—
We're so affected, we can scarce conceal it:
(They pretend to weep.)
To-night you soldiers, one and all, clear out.

Bel
(contemptuously)
That you're affected nobody could doubt (reads paper).

(annoyed)
Hum! pleasant for a man whose tastes are gluttony—
Change for a mutiny these valleys muttony?
Exchange for barrack, bugle call, and charge, gents,
Chambers at Sergeant's Inn, through these insargents!
(aside)
To-night Adina I must off be carryin'-her;
Though I'm a soldier I may be a marryin' her.
(to Adina)
Adina, hence to-night we start away,
Your own Belcore will you wed to-day!

(Goes down on his knees to her. Each of the soldiers goes down on his knees to the girl he is coupled with, imitating Belcore's action exactly.)
Adi
As Nemorino treats me now so ill,
I do not hesitate to say I will!

Belcore rises and kisses her. All the other girls intimate, with Adina, that they will marry their respective soldiers that day. Each of the soldiers rise and kisses his companion exactly at the same moment that Belcore does.)
Nem
Oh, don't to-day the fatal splicing make fast!

Adi
(decidedly)
To-day—we hope to see you at the breakfast!

(All the male peasants imply, in pantomime, to the village girls, that they hope they will put it off, and all the girls
Concertld Quartette—Adina, Nemorino, Beppo, and Belcore. The four Airs to be sung together.)
Air—“Alpen Horn.”
Nem
She'll wed to day I plainly see,
In wedlock they'll united be.
If I could make them wait a wee,
The victory would rest with me!

Air—“Gentil Hussard.”
Tom
To-day she will marry Belcore, Belcore,
No argument can ever modify that;
He's wealthy in pay and in glory, in glory,
But that Nemorino's as poor as a rat.

Air—“Polly Hopkins.”
Bel
Pretty, pretty preparations,
Dinner and song—dinner and song;
Dissi—dissi—dissipations,
All the day long—all the day long.

Air—“Buy a Broom.”
Bep
Oh, that I dared but relate you my history,
Oh, that I only could speak of my woes!
Sure, never was such a horrible mystery
As I could tell you, if only I chose.

(Scene closes, leaving Beppo on the stage.)