University of Virginia Library

ACT II.

SCENE I.

Enter PSEUDOLUS.
O Jupiter! whate'er I undertake,
How pretty, and how prosperous is the event!
Whatever project in my mind is form'd,
I neither doubt of the event, nor fear it.
'Tis folly with a timorous heart, to attempt
A great exploit.—For all affairs turn out
According as we manage them, and raise them
Into importance—By premeditation
So well am I provided with my forces,
My double, triple tricks and perfidies,
That wheresoe'er I meet the foe, relying
On my own wicked industry and wit,
Deceitful, I may confidently say,
My perfidies will give an easy conquest,
And furnish me with plunder cheaply purchas'd.
First you shall see how cleverly I'll batter
This Ballio, this our common enemy.
This town will I besiege with such success,
This day it shall surrender.—Hither, ay,
Hither I'll march my legions.—If I sack it,
I soon shall make all easy to my friends.
This done, to the old town I'll march my army;
There load myself and my allies with plunder;
Then put my enemies to fear and flight;
And make them know I'm somebody.—A man
So born should such exploits perform, as may
Make him illustrious to posterity.
Who have we here? What unknown fellow's this
That meets my eyes? I'd fain know what he means;
[seeing Harpax at a distance.
And with a sword—I'll lye in ambush for him.—

[retires apart.

SCENE II.

Enter HARPAX, foot-boy to the Captain.
Har.
This is the place, and this the very spot
My master pointed out to me, if rightly
My eyes the measure take of the directions,
Which thus my master gave me—From the gate
The seventh house; that house the captain told me,
Where the procurer liv'd; to whom he bad me
Carry this money, and this ring.—I wish
Some one for certain would inform me where
This Ballio lives—

Pseu.
[aside.]
'St! 'St!—This is my man.
If gods and men do not at once desert me,
Here is new matter, that requires new counsel.
I at first sight, find I must change my measures,
And alter my first battery—A smart onset
I'll make upon this soldier-like appearance,
This captain's messenger—

Har.
I'll beat the door,
And call out some one hither from the house.

Pseu.
Whoe'er you are, I soon shall stop your knocking,
I, patron and defender of these doors.

Har.
Are you then Ballio?

Pseu.
No: I'm Under-Ballio.—

Har.
How's that?

Pseu.
Why, yeoman of the larder, butler,
And caterer.

Har.
O ho! that's to say, his porter.

Pseu.
Nay, I'm above his porter.

Har.
Then what are you?
Are you a slave, or freeman?

Pseu.
I'm as yet
A slave.

Har.
So it should seem; nor by your looks
E'er likely to be otherwise.

Pseu.
When you
Abuse another, do you ne'er look back
Upon yourself?

Har.
A sly chap!

[aside.
Pseu.
As the gods
Shall love and favour me, this man's my anvil:
And many a project shall I forge on him.

[aside.
Har.
What is it he keeps muttering to himself?

Pseu.
What is't you say, young man?

Har.
What is't I say?

Pseu.
Com'st thou or no, from the Macedonian captain
A messenger, who bought a girl of us?
Who fifteen minæ to my master paid,
And owes five more?—

Har.
I do—But how i'th'world
Do you know me? where seen, or spoke to me?
For I have never been before at Athens;
Nor, till this day have e'er set eyes on you.

Pseu.
I thought you seem'd from thence; because your master
Appointed, when he went away, this day
For payment of the money; and ne'er sent it.

Har.
Here 'tis.

Pseu.
And have you brought it?

Har.
Ay, myself.

Pseu.
Why then not give it me?

Har.
Give it to you?

Pseu.
By Hercules! to me, I'm Ballio's steward,
Look after his accounts; receive, lay out,
And pay his money where 'tis due.

Har.
By Hercules!
If you was treasurer to Jove supreme,
I would not trust you with a doit.

Pseu.
How stout
Soe'er you are, the money will be paid.

Har.
No, I shall rather keep it closer.

Pseu.
Fie!
Are you the first man that has found the way
To call in question my fidelity;
As if I was not often trusted with
Six hundred times as much!

Har.
Others may trust you;
But by my troth, not I.

Pseu.
Why, that's as if
You said I should defraud you—

Har.
You say that—
'Tis but as if I only should suspect it.
But what's your name?

Pseu.
[aside.]
This pandar has a slave
Call'd Syrus—I will say that I am he—
My name is Syrus. [to him.]


Har.
Syrus?

Pseu.
That's my name.

Har.
We wast the time.—If Ballio is at home,
Why, call him forth, that I may do my message,
Whatever your name may be.

Pseu.
Where he within,
I'd call him—But if you will give it me,
The business shall be better done, than if
You gave it him.

Har.
But you're to know, my master
Sent me to pay this money, not to lose it.
You're in a fever now, because you can't
Lay your claws on it. I'll not trust a doit,
To any one, except to Ballio's self.

Pseu.
But he is busy now: he has a cause
Before the judge.

Har.
Success attend him in it!
And when I judge that he's at home, I'll come
Again—Here take this letter; give it him:
For there's the token between both our masters
About the girl.

Pseu.
I know full well, my master
Order'd the girl shou'd be deliver'd him,
Who with the money shou'd produce his figure
Cut on a ring; and left its fellow here.

Har.
You know the whole affair.

Pseu.
Ay, what should hinder?

Har.
Then, give this ring to him—

Pseu.
Depend upon it.
And now what is your name?—

Har.
Harpax.

Pseu.
How! Harpax!
I like you not, friend Harpax! and, by Hercules!
You shall not come within these doors, for fear
You verify your name; call'd rightly Harpax.

Har.
I us'd to carry captives off alive
From battle; thence I had the name of Harpax.

Pseu.
Rather, by Pollux! from your carrying off
From houses, pots and kettles.

Har.
'Tis not so.
I scorn your words. But, Syrus, do you know
What I'd beg of you?

Pseu.
Yes, if you would tell me.

Har.
I go to step aside into a tavern,
The third without the gate; 'tis kept by Chrysis,
A tun-bellied, lame, heavy crone—

Pseu.
What then?

Har.
That you, as soon as e'er your master comes,
May send for me from thence—

Pseu.
Ay, if you chuse it—

Har.
For as I am fatigu'd with my long journey,
I want refreshment—

Pseu.
Sensible enough!
I like your scheme—But when I send for you,
Be sure you're in the way—

Har.
O, after dinner
My business always is, to take a nap—

Pseu.
That I suppose—

Har.
Have you ought else with me?

Pseu.
Only that you will go and take your nap—

Har.
I'm gone—

Pseu.
But hark you, Harpax!—Take good care
That you have clothes enough to cover you;
A sweat will do you good.

[Exit Harpax.

SCENE III.

PSEUDOLUS alone.
Pseu.
Immortal gods!
This fellow by his coming has preserv'd me:
And by his journey, when I'd lost my way,
Has put me right again. E'en Opportunity
Herself could ne'er have come more opportunely,
Than he, that opportunely brought this letter.
My horn of plenty this, in which, whate'er
I wish'd is all contain'd. Here are my wiles,
Here all my stratagems, here all my tricks;
My money's here; here my young master's mistress.
Now shall I boast, from what a fertile fund
Of thoughts in my own breast I did delineate
Exactly in what manner I should act,
So as to steal the girl from the procurer.
All things beforehand plann'd and decorated,
In order just as I myself would have them.
And all my schemes are form'd with certainty—
But this affair in truth will thus succeed
Meerly by fortune—For the goddess Fortune
Frustrates the counsels of a hundred wise heads.
And 'tis but truth—The man who knows to use
His fortune, he surpasses all: by all
Is therefore call'd a man of understanding.
Whoe'er we find successful in his counsels,
We call a prudent man—The unsuccessful
We hold a fool—Fools as we are, we know not
How greatly we're mistaken, when so ardently
We pray the gods to grant us what we wish:
As if 'twere possible for us to know,
What will turn out to our advantage—Thus
We lose a certainty, and grasp a shadow—
What follows, but i'th'midst of pains and labour,
Death creeps upon us in the interim.—
But I philosophize, and prate too long—
Immortal gods! my late invented lye
Was worth its weight in gold, when I pretended
That I belong'd to the procurer here.
Now with this letter, I'll deceive three persons;
My master, the procurer, and the bearer.
I now shall be upon a par with them—
Another thing too which I wish'd, has happen'd.
See, Callidorus comes! A stranger with him!

[stands apart.

SCENE IV.

Enter CALIDORUS and CHARINUS, in discourse.
Cal.
I've told you all my pleasures, all my pains;
My love, my trouble and my needs you're now
Inform'd of.

Cha.
All of them I bear in mind.
Tell me but this, what 'tis you'd have me do?

Cal.
All those, and other things besides I mention'd,
That you might fully understand the affair
About the token—

Cha.
I tell you, I know all—
Let me but know, what you would have me do.

Cal.
Well, you must know then, Pseudolus thus order'd;
That I should bring him one who wish'd me well
And zealous in my cause—

Cha.
You well observe
Your orders: for a friend and a well-wisher,
You're bringing—But that Pseudolus to me's
A stranger—

Cal.
Quite a man as one could wish.
He's my inventor: and has promis'd me
He'll bring to pass all for me which I've told you.

Pseu.
Now in a lofty strain will I address him.

Cal.
Whose voice is that I hear there?

Pseu.
[advancing.]
Io! Io!
Io! thrice sovereign lord!—'Tis you I want,
Who're sovereign over Pseudolus—'Tis you
I'm looking for, to give you three times joy,
A triple joy, three joys three ways obtain'd,
By three tricks, three times earn'd, over three parties,
Thro' wickedness, craft, fallacy triumphant,
Seal'd in this little scroll, to you I've brought them.

Cal.
This is the man—

Cha.
The rascal's in heroicks!

Cal.
Advance thy steps and join him—

Pseu.
Give thy hand
Freely to him who has sav'd thee—

Cal.
Tell me, Pseudolus,
What god shall I salute thee as?—As hope,
Or as salvation?

Pseu.
Both, both—rather both—

Cal.
Well then, as both I do salute thee—
What's done?

Pseu.
What fear you?

Cal.
I have brought the person.

Pseu.
What, brought him, say you?

Cal.
I would say, conducted—

Pseu.
Who is it?

Cal.
Why, Charinus.

Pseu.
O, well done!
There's a good omen in the name.

Cha.
Whate'er
Is necessary to be done, command me.

Pseu.
My thanks—Good day, Charinus—But I would not,
You think us troublesome.

Cha.
You troublesome!
That word to me is all that's troublesome.

Pseu.
Then say no more—

Cal.
What have you in your hand?

Pseu.
I've intercepted but e'en now this letter:
With it, this token—

Cha.
Token?—Say what token?

Pseu.
Why, that the captain sent here by his servant,
With it five minæ—He was to carry off
Your mistress—But I eas'd him of it—

Cal.
How?

Pseu.
For these spectators is the play perform'd;
And if they know it who were present at it,
I'll tell it you another time.

Cal.
But what's
The present business?

Pseu.
To embrace your mistress,
And to embrace her free.

Cal.
Shall I?

Pseu.
Ay, you—

Cal.
Myself!

Pseu.
Yourself, I say—sure as I live,
So you procure me speedily a man—

Cal.
What sort of man?

Pseu.
One cunning, arch and crafty;
One, who when he's possess'd of the beginning
Of an affair, knows by his ingenuity
What part he has to act. He must be one
Besides, who has little visited these quarters—

Cha.
Um! Does it matter ought if he's a slave?

Pseu.
'Twere better so than free.

Cha.
I think, I can
Fit you with one, cunning and arch enough,
One from Charysto, just come from his father.
He has not yet been out of doors, arriv'd
But yesterday at Athens.

Pseu.
That's all right.
But 'twill besides be requisite to borrow
Five minæ, which I will repay this day.
His father owes me one.

Cha.
I'll lend them you.
Look out no farther.

Pseu.
You're the man I wanted—
But I shall want a soldier's coat, a sword,
And hat.

Cha.
With them I will equip you too.

Pseu.
Immortal gods! I'll now no longer call you
Charinus, but Abundance. But this slave,
That's from Charysto come, what! is he arch?

Cha.
E'en from his cradle.

Pseu.
Then 'tis fit he should
Have a long coat with sleeves—But has he in him
Any thing sharp?—

Cha.
Ay, marry! very sharp.

Pseu.
But can he on occasion, draw out sweets
From the same cask; from his own breast I mean?—
Has he of that?

Cha.
And make you that a question?
He has nectar, sweet wine, wine enrich'd with herbs,
Mead, sweets of all sorts—Nay, he once intended
To set up in his breast a shop to sell them.

Pseu.
O brave! O rare! Charinus the facetious!
At my own game you beat me—But what name
Am I to call this slave by?

Cha.
Simia.

Pseu.
Does he know how to extricate himself
When hamper'd?

Cha.
Not a whirlwind is so speedy.

Pseu.
Subtle?

Cha.
In great rogueries, very frequently.

Pseu.
When caught in the manner, how behaves he then?

Cha.
O, like an eel, he slips away from you.

Pseu.
And is he knowing?

Cha.
Yes, as any register.

Pseu.
By your account, he is the man we want.

Cha.
To tell you more—Let him but fix his eyes
Upon you, he will tell you what you'd have with him.
But what is't you're about?

Pseu.
I'll tell you then.
As soon as ever I've equipp'd my man,
I'd have him personate the captain's slave—
To the procurer let him bear this token;
With it five minæ; and bring off the girl.
Thus ends the whole of this my comedy.
But I'll instruct him how to act in all.

Cal.
What do we wait for now?

Pseu.
Go, bring the man
Accoutred quite compleat, to Æschinus
The banker's—But make hast

Cha.
We shall be there
Before you—

Pseu.
Get you gone then speedily.
[Exeunt Cal. and Cha.
Whate'er before was doubtful or uncertain,
Now clears, and I can see the light before me.
My legions, every one beneath his standard,
I will draw out, according as I please,
And with auspicious omen. Oh! I feel
That I shall crush my foes. Now to the Forum,
To load this Simia with my weighty precepts,
That nothing fail of all he has to do;
But the whole trick be carried handsomely.
The pandar's fort shall now be ta'en by storm.

[Exit.