University of Virginia Library

ACT IV.

SCENE I.

Enter PSEUDOLUS, speaking to SIMIA, supposing him behind him.
PSEUDOLUS.
If the immortal gods meant help to-day,
Myself and Calidorus they design'd
To be preserv'd, through that procurer's ruin,
Then, when they form'd thee, Simia, to assist me
With all thy arts of cunning and deceit.
Where is he tho'? [looking back.]
What?—Am I grown a fool,
To talk thus to myself—Sure he has deceiv'd me.
Knave as I am, I have not taken care
Not to be cheated by another knave—
If he has given me thus the slip, I'm ruin'd:
Nor shall I do the business of the day.
But hold, I see the whipping-post—How stately
[Enter SIMIA the Counterfeit, dressed like HARPAX, at a distance.]
He stalks!—Soho!—I was just looking for you—
I fear'd, by Hercules! you had slipt away.

Sim.
And if I had, I'd acted but in character.

Pseu.
But where have you been loitering?

Sim.
Where I pleas'd.

Pseu.
I know that well enough.

Sim.
Then why do'st ask?

Pseu.
But to remind you of it.

Sim.
Teach your grannam—

Pseu.
You treat me with contempt—

Sim.
Why should I not?
I, who am now to pass for a campaigner?

Pseu.
I'd have our undertaking briskly follow'd.

Sim.
And do you see me doing of ought else?

Pseu.
Bestir your stumps then.

Sim.
Slow and sure's my rule.

Pseu.
This is the nick of time—While he's asleep
I'd have you go to Ballio.—

[meaning Harpax.
Sim.
But, what hast?
Softly—Fear not. Jove send the fellow here,
Whoe'er he be, that's coming from the captain!
He shall no more the real Harpax be,
Than I am.—Pluck your courage up; and hear me.
I will so scare this military stranger
With lies and tricks, he shall deny himself,
And own, not he, but I'm the very man.

Pseu.
Is't possible?

Sim.
You make me mad to doubt it.

Pseu.
A noble fellow! Jupiter preserve thee!
With all thy lies and stratagems, for me!

Sim.
Me for myself!—But does my dress become me?

Pseu.
It sits quite well.

Sim.
That's good.

Pseu.
Now may the gods
Grant you your wish; for did they give you all
That you deserve,—you'd come but poorly off:
For I ne'er saw a finer rogue and rascal.

Sim.
To me that compliment?

Pseu.
I've done—But say
What present shall I make you, if you manage
This business cleverly—

Sim.
Cannot you be quiet?
Whoever prompts a man that minds his business,
Putting him still in mind, but puts him out—
I comprehend it all—'Tis laid up here.
[pointing to his breast.
I've well consider'd every stratagem—

Pseu.
He is a worthy fellow!

Sim.
No—not he,
[pointing to Pseudolus.
Nor I.

Pseu.
Take heed you make no blunder now.

Sim.
What, will you ne'er have done?

Pseu.
Now may the gods
So love me—

Sim.
That they'll never do, you're so
Made up of lies—and—

Pseu.
As I love thee, Simia,
E'en for thy rogueries and praising fear thee.

Sim.
I've learn'd to give those compliments to others,
You cannot wheedle me.

Pseu.
How shall I treat you,
When you have done your business?—

Sim.
Ha! ha! ha!

Pseu.
Nice eating, wine, perfumes, and 'twixt our cups,
Some fine tid-bits—To these a girl of wit,
Who'll give you kiss on kiss.

Sim.
That's nice indeed!

Pseu.
Succeed, and find me better than my word.

Sim.
If I do not, then treat me like a hang-dog—
But hast, and shew me the procurer's house.

Pseu.
'Tis the third door from hence.

Sim.
Hold your tongue—
Sure his door gapes—

Pseu.
Ay, like enough—'Tis sick—

Sim.
How sick?

Pseu.
Because it throws up the procurer.

Sim.
Is't he?

Pseu.
The very he—

Sim.
Vile merchandise.

Pseu.
Look at the fellow—See, he can't go strait,
But side ways, like a crab—

SCENE II.

Enter BALLIO.
Bal.
I now begin
To think this cook less rascal than I fancied.
A tankard and a cup are all yet stolen.

Pseu.
Hist! Hark you! now's your time: a fair occasion
[aside to Simia.
Presents itself—

Sim.
To me it seems so too—

Pseu.
The way he comes, do you step slily into;
And I'll here place myself in ambuscade.

Sim.
I've kept with care the number in my head:
Sixth from the gate; this lane, the next I come to
My master bad me turn into—But then
How many houses off, I'm quite uncertain.

Bal.
[aside.]
What fellow's this!—A soldier's cloak upon him!
Whence is he?—Or whom seeks he!—By his face
He seems a foreigner; and of mean rank.

Sim.
But I see there a man will clear my doubts.

Bal.
To me he makes directly—Whence i'th'world
Can come this fellow?—

Sim.
Hark you!—You that stand
With your goat's beard there, answer me a question—

Bal.
Don't you first give me civil salutation.

Sim.
I give no gratis salutations, I.—

Bal.
By Pollux! just the same you'll have from me.

Pseu.
This the beginning is of their fair dealing.

Sim.
In this lane know you any man? I ask thee—

Bal.
Why yes; I know myself.

Sim.
Few men do that,
Which you pretend to—For you'll meet i'th'Forum,
Scarcely with one in ten who knows himself.

Pseu.
O—safe's the word—he's now philosophizing—

Sim.
I'm looking for a fellow here, a sad one,
A lawless, impious, perjur'd, wicked rogue.

Bal.
'Tis me he's seeking—These are my additions—
If he but knows my name—But what's he call'd?

[to Simia.
Sim.
Why Ballio, a procurer—

Bal.
Do I know him?
Myself am he, young man, you're looking for.

Sim.
What are you Ballio?

Bal.
Troth the very man—

Sim.
How like a housebreaker the fellow's drest?

Bal.
Were you to see me in the dark, I think
You'll scarcely meddle with me.

Sim.
Well, my master
Would that I give you many salutations—
He bad me give this letter to you—Take it—

Bal.
What man is he who bad you?

Pseu.
Quite undone!
He sticks i'th'mire: he does not know the name—
We're all aground—

Bal.
Who, guess you sent the letter?

Sim.
Look on the seal—Do you tell me his name;
That I may know you are the very Ballio—

Bal.
Give me the letter—

Sim.
Take it—And the seal
Examine well—

Bal.
O ho! I know it well—
'Tis he himself; Polymachæroplacides.

Sim.
Yes, yes: his name's Polymachæroplacides—
By this I know the letter's right deliver'd,
Since you have told his name—

Bal.
But say, how fares he?

Sim.
Why, as a stout and gallant soldier should—
But hast, I beg you hast and read the letter,
There's business in it; to receive the money,
And send me out the girl immediately—
For I must Sicyon see this day, or else
Be hang'd to-morrow—Master's such a tyrant!

Bal.
I know it true—By all the marks agreed.

Sim.
Then haste, and read—

Bal.
If you will hold your tongue.

Bal.
[reading the letter.]
“Captain Polymachæroplacides
“To the procurer Ballio sends this letter.
“With it the seal agreed upon between us.

Sim.
The token's in the letter.

Bal.
Yes, I see it,
And know the figure well—But does he never
Use any salutation in his letters?

Sim.
Ballio, that were not soldierlike—He sends
Health to his friends, but to his foes destruction.
But on as you've begun; and mark the letter.

Bal.
Do but attend then [reading.]
“He who comes to you
“Is my page Harpax”—What are you that Harpax?

[to him.
Sim.
I am—I'm Harpax self—

Bal.
[reading.]
“He who this letter
“Brings you, from him I'd have you take the money.
“By him too would I have you send Phœnicium.
“'Tis worthy to send greetings to the worthy;
“Were that the case, I had sent such to you.”

Sim.
What's to be done now?

Bal.
Why, give me the money,
And take away the girl.

Sim.
Well, which of us
Makes the delay?

Bal.
Then follow me.

Sim.
I follow—

[Exeunt.

SCENE III.

PSEUDOLUS comes forward.
Pseu.
Well! a more cunning rascal, and a craftier,
Than this same Simia, never have I seen:
I sadly fear the fellow'll play some trick
With me, as he has done with Ballio:
And in his better fortune butt at me;
He is so mischievous on all occasions.
And yet I would not think so: for I love him:
But after all, I'm in a desperate fright;
And for three reasons. First and foremost, least
My comrade should desert me, and go over
To join the foe. Next, least in the interim
My master from the Forum should return,
And, with their booty, seize the plunderers.
Last, in the midst of all my fears, I fear,
That Harpax there, may hither come before
This Harpax here, is gone hence with the girl.
We're ruin'd!—what a while they're coming out:
My heart is waiting, ready bag and baggage,
In case he comes without the girl forthwith,
To pack off into exile from my breast—
Victoria!—Of my guards I've got the better—

SCENE IV.

Enter SIMIA the Counterfeit, with PHŒNICIUM.
Sim.
Weep not, Phœnicium! you don't know as yet
How stands the affair; but you shall know at supper.
I do not bear you to that gag-tooth'd fellow
The Macedonian captain, who occasions
These tears of yours—I lead you to the man
Whom you most wish to be with—I'll take care
You shall e'er long embrace your Calidorus—

Pseu.
Why did you stay so long within? my heart
Was ready to beat through my breast the while.

Sim.
A plague upon your questions, you waylay me,
When we should gain a march upon the enemy.

Pseu.
Well, well, for once we'll take a knave's advice—
Let us be gone strait to our bowl of triumph.

[Exeunt.

SCENE V.

Enter BALLIO the Procurer.
Bal.
Ha! ha! ha! ha! [laughing.]
at length my heart's at ease,
Since he is gone, and carried off the girl.
Now could I wish that rascal Pseudolus
Would come, and try out of this girl to trick me.
He has con'd his lesson well, I know for certain.
I'd rather be forsworn a thousand times,
Than be the laughing-stock of such a rascal,
If I now meet with him, by Hercules!
I'll laugh him off the stage—But I believe
He must be in the work-house soon: for such
Were the conditions of his own proposal.
Now do I wish, that I could meet with Simo,
That I might make him partner of my joy.

SCENE VI.

Enter SIMO.
Sim.
I must go see what business has been done
By my Ulysses; whether he has yet
Borne off the prize from Ballio's citadel.

Bal.
O happy man! give me thy happy hand.

Sim.
The matter?

Bal.
Now—

Sim.
What now!—

Bal.
You've nothing left
To fear—

Sim.
How so?—Has Pseudolus been with you?

Bal.
Not so.—

Sim.
Then what good fortune has befaln

Bal.
Your twenty minæ, Pseudolus to day
Promis'd himself from you, are safe and sound.

Sim.
I would they were, by Hercules!

Bal.
Of me
Demand the twenty minæ, if this day
He either gets this girl into his clutches,
Or, as he promis'd, gives her to your son.
Demand of me the cash—I long to promise.
Depend upon it, all your money's safe;
And you shall have the girl into the bargain.

Sim.
I see no danger in the terms you offer.—
And you'll engage the twenty minæ?—

Bal.
Ay.

Sim.
A special bargain this! But have you met him?

Bal.
Yes, both of them together.

Sim.
Well, what says he?
What is his talk?—What story does he tell you?

Bal.
Why, mere stage cant. He call'd me names, the actors
Give us procurers: every boy can tell—
He said, I was a wicked, perjur'd rascal—

Sim.
He told no lyes—

Bal.
Nor was I angry with him.
What matters it to call a man hard names,
Who nor regards it, nor denies their truth?

Sim.
How is it you have nought to fear from him?
I'd fain hear that.—

Bal.
Because he never will
Bear off the girl from me, nor ever can.
Don't you remember, some time since I told you,
I'd sold her to a Macedonian captain?

Sim.
Yes, I remember—

Bal.
Well, e'en now, his servant
Brought me the money, and the token with it
Agreed between us, seal'd up in a letter.

Sim.
What follow'd?—

Bal.
Why, as 'twas agreed, the bearer
Has not long since borne off with him the girl.

Sim.
Do you say this with honesty and truth?

Bal.
Whence should I get those qualities?

Sim.
Howe'er
See that he has not put some trick upon you.

Bal.
The letter, and the token that's within it,
Put it beyond all doubt—And, more than that,
He has not only ta'en her from the city,
But gone away with her to Sicyon.

Sim.
Well done, by Hercules!—'Tis now high time
To send off Pseudolus, to join the colony
At th'work-house—Who's this in a soldier's coat?

Bal.
I know him not—Let's step aside, and mark
Whither he's going, and what he is about—

[they go apart.

SCENE VII.

Enter HARPAX.
Har.
That slave's a base and wicked fellow, who
Pays to his master's orders no regard.
And he too, who neglects to do his duty,
Unless he's often put in mind of it,
Is good for nothing. They, who deem themselves,
As soon as master's back is turn'd, at liberty;
And give themselves to riot and debauch,
Shall never have another name than slave.
Nor any spark of genius do they shew,
But to maintain them in their wicked sleight.
With such I herd not, speak not; nor am I
Renown'd among 'em. But, as I am order'd,
I deem my master present in his absence;
And dread his anger tho' he is not by:
That when we meet, I may have nought to fear.
'Tis worth attending to. Syrus, to whom
I gave the token, wou'd have let me stay
Till this time in my quarters.—As he bad me,
I staid there—When the bawd came home, he said
He'd send for me.—But since he neither came,
Nor sent, I'm come here of my own free motion,
To see the cause, lest he play tricks with me.
I'd best knock at the door, and give a call
For some one to come out; for I would fain
The pandar should receive of me this money,
And send away the girl along with me.

Bal.
Hark you!—

Sim.
What would you?

Bal.
Here I have my man—

Sim.
How so?

Bal.
Because I'll make a prey of him.
He wants a wench, and has the money ready.
O! how I long to fix my teeth upon him.

Sim.
What, would you eat him?

Bal.
Yes, while he is fresh,
And warm, and fit to please my appetite.
'Tis your chast gentry keep me poor; your lewd ones
I feed on well: my fortune is augmented
By dealing with bad men—The good and true
I lose by—All my profit's from the wicked.

Sim.
[aside.]
Mischievous fellow!—And the gods will give
Mischief to thee, thou art such a wicked rascal.

Har.
But I delay to knock here at the door;
And know, if Ballio is at home.

Bal.
[to Simo.]
'Tis thus
Venus befriends me, when she hither sends
Her sons of dissipation and expence;
Who of their youth and money take such care:
Eat, drink, wench—Quite another kind of creatures,
Than thou art, Simo: suffering not thyself
To indulge, and envying those that do.

Har.
Hola!
Where are you all?

Bal.
He's making to my house.

Har.
Where are you all, I say?

Bal.
Hark you, young man;
What want you there? (This fellow'll be rare plunder)
[aside.
I knew he'd bring good luck!

Har.
Will no one open?

Bal.
You, in the cloak, what business have you there?

Har.
I'm looking for the pandar Ballio's house.

Bal.
Whoe'er you are, you need not look for it long.

Har.
Why so?

Bal.
The man's here, face to face before you.

Har.
And are you he?

Sim.
Take care, man, of yourself; [to Har.]

And point him out—this is an old procurer—

Bal.
And, this a man of probity—but oft
Your man of probity, when cash runs low,
Is set with duns, that make the Forum ring,
And to the old procurer he's oblig'd
For a supply.

Har.
What! won't you answer me?

Bal.
Yes sure. What want you?

Har.
Take your money, do.

Bal.
I'd long been ready, wou'd you give it me.

Har.
Take it—Here are five minæ ready told;
This debt Polymachæroplacides
My master bad me pay you—Just the sum,
And that you send Phœnicium home by me.

Bal.
Your master!

Har.
Ay.

Bal.
The captain!

Har.
Ay, I tell you.

Bal.
The Macedonian captain?

Har.
To be sure.

Bal.
And so, Polymachæroplacides
Sent you to me?

Har.
You say the truth.

Bal.
To give
This money to me?

Har.
Yes, if you're the pandar,
And your name Ballio?

Bal.
Well!—and to bear off
The girl?

Har.
Just so.

Bal.
Phœnicium, did he say?

Har.
You're right.

Bal.
Well, stay a moment, I'll return
Immediately—

Har.
Don't stay, for I'm in haste.
The day's far spent you see—

Bal.
I see it is.
I'll only call him, [pointing.]
here to be a witness
[aside to Simo.
What's to be done now, Simo? say, what course
Are we to take? I plainly smoke the fellow
Who has brought the money.

Simo.
Well, how so?—

Bal.
And do you
Know nought of this contrivance?

Sim.
Just as much
As does the man i'th'moon!

Bal.
By Pollux' temple!
That Pseudolus of your's, a rogue of rogues!
O what a cunning scheme has he contriv'd!
The sum the captain ow'd me, he has given
Here to this fellow, and instructed him
To fetch the girl. Certain, thy Pseudolus
Has hither sent this Counterfeit, as from
The Macedonian captain.

Sim.
Ha'st the money?

Bal.
Do you ask that and see it? Where's your eyes?

Sim.
Good! but remember, one half of the prey
Belongs to me; it is to be divided.

Bal.
Plague on you! that, you may depend upon.

Har.
Will you dispatch me?

Bal.
Presently. What, Simo,
Would you advise me in this case to do?

Sim.
Let's make some sport with this same Counterfeit.

Bal.
Yes, 'till he's sensible he's made a fool of.
Follow me then—And, so you say you are
[to Harpax.
The captain's slave?

Har.
Most certainly.

Bal.
What was
The price he gave?—

Har.
His valour in the field—
In my own country, I was general.

Bal.
What, did your master lay siege to a jail,
That he took you?

Har.
Come, no hard words, friend.
You'll have as much from me.

Bal.
And when do you say
Did you set out from Sicyon?

Har.
Yesterday,
At noon—

Bal.
He's made good hast, by Hercules!
How swift of foot he is: look at his calves,
You'll find by them he can bear heavy chains—
I'll warrant when a boy, he scorn'd a cradle.

Har.
Go, hang yourself!

Bal.
That you yourself may do,
You will have time enough for it in the day.

Har.
Come, send the girl out, or restore the money.

Bal.
Well, stay a little.

Har.
Wherefore shou'd I stay?

Bal.
What give you for the hire of that same cloak?

Har.
What do you mean by that?

Bal.
And of that sword?

Har.
These fellows should be dosed with hellebore.

Bal.
How!—

Har.
Come, ha' done.

Bal.
What do you pay the owner
For that same hat?

Har.
What, owner! Do you dream?
The things are mine, and bought with my own money.

Bal.
With your own back, you mean!

Har.
These dotards here
Have bath'd, and want a'nointing and a rubbing,
As is the custom.

Bal.
Prithee tell me, truly,
What now does Pseudolus give you for this job?
What is your price?

Har.
What Pseudolus do you mean?

Bal.
Your tutor, your instructor in your art,
How you may rob me of my girl by slights.—

Har.
What Pseudolus, what slights do you tell me of?
I know of no such man.

Bal.
Will you not pack?
Here's nothing to be got by counterfeits.
You may go back, and tell your Pseudolus,
One Harpax has been here, beforehand with you,
And carried off the booty.—

Har.
Pollux' temple!
Why I am Harpax—

Bal.
So you wou'd be thought—
But are an arrant counterfeit—No more.

Har.
I'm sure, I paid the money to yourself;
And some time since, on my arrival, gave
The token to your slave, here at the door,
A letter seal'd up with my master's seal.

Bal.
A letter to my slave! To what slave, say.

Har.
To Syrus.

Bal.
This rogue has not brass enough.
He's but a sorry counterfeit, and shallow.
But O rare Pseudolus! By Pollux' temple!
How cunningly the rogue had hid his hook.
Here was the very sum the captain owed,
Ready in hand; and then he had his lesson,
To take the girl away.—For the true Harpax
Gave me that letter here, into my hands.

Har.
My name is Harpax: my condition, slave
To the Macedonian captain. I know no trick.
I play, nor act the counterfeit in aught;
I'm not acquainted with this Pseudolus,
Nor know I who he is—

Sim.
I'm much mistaken,
Procurer, if you've not quite lost your girl.

Bal.
The more I hear, the more I am afraid so,
By Pollux' temple!

Sim.
Ay, the very name
Of that same Syrus made my blood run cold,
Who took the token—Wonderful! 'tis Pseudolus!
Hark you, my lad? What kind of man was he
You gave the ring to?

Har.
Why, a red hair'd fellow,
Gorbellied, and big headed, with sharp eyes,
Thick calves, red face, and his complexion, wainscot—
Swinging large feet—

Sim.
Then you have lost the girl!
The feet are his;—'tis Pseudolus himself.

Bal.
'Tis over with me—and I can't survive it.

Har.
Ay, but you must tho', 'till you've pay'd the money,
My twenty minæ.

Sim.
Twenty more to me.

Bal.
And will you take it of me, when you know
I spake it but in joke.

Sim.
Of a known rascal
'Tis right to make one's market any how.

Bal.
At least, you'll give up Pseudolus.

Sim.
Give him up?
What is his crime? Have I not giv'n you warning,
An hundred times, to be upon your guard?—

Bal.
He has undone me.

Sim.
And has lay'd a fine
On me of twenty pretty minæ.

Bal.
What
Shall I do now?

Har.
Give me the money but,
You may go hang yourself.

Bal.
The gods confound you!
Then to the Forum follow me, that I
May there discharge the debt—

[to Harpax.
Har.
I follow you.

Bal.
This day I clear with strangers:—Fellow-citizens
Must tarry till to-morrow. [to Simo.]
This same Pseudolus
Has from all quarters summon'd all his forces,
And sent this fellow to bear off the girl.
You, follow me.—You must not, Sirs, expect,
[to the spectators.
As matters stand, that I return this way;
By alleys blind, I'll in at the back door.

Har.
Were your legs nimble as your tongue, by this
You'd reach'd the Forum.

Bal.
'Stead of my birth-day,
They've made a dying-day of it to me.

[Exit Ballio, Harpax following.

SCENE VIII.

SIMO alone.
Simo.
I've touch'd him handsomely—so has our slave
His adversary. And for it, I'm determin'd
To lay a trap for Pseudolus, unlike
The common end of plays, with whips and scourges:
The twenty minæ shall be my revenge,
I promis'd him, in case he did the business.
I'll seek him for the purpose—Pseudolus
Is the most crafty, subtle knave alive;
He outdoes Trojan Dolon and Ulysses.
I'll go count out the money; and this Pseudolus
Shall find I'll have my quirk, as well as he.

[Exit.