University of Virginia Library

ACT V.

SCENE I.

Enter PSEUDOLUS, drunk, with a wreath on his head.
PSEUDOLUS.
How's this? [staggering.]
And is it so? Will you stand still
My feet, or not?—Or would you I lie here,
And some one pick me up?—If I do fall,
By Hercules! the fault is all your own.
And will ye on?—Ah! I must now sit down—
There is in this same wine a horrid fault;
It lays you first by the heels—A subtle wrestler!
Now 'troth I've fairly got my fill, and left them.
Delicious feasting!—delicate fine living!—
So rarely in so rare a place receiv'd!—
But what need many words?—'Tis this makes men
In love with life—Here every pleasure, here
Each grace [Uh!] Ay, next the life the gods live surely.
Here when the lover clasps his mistress' waist,
Joins lip to lip, and presses breast to breast—
Where the white hand puts round the luscious cup
To [Uh!]—friendly friendship—Where none holds his neighbour
In hate or envy—or in senseless prate.
Ointments, perfumes—ribbons and festal wreaths—
Nor was the rest serv'd niggardly—So ask
No questions.—Thus I, and young master spent
This day luxuriously:—my task all finish'd,
Quite to my mind, and all my foes dispers'd.
Feasting, carousing, wenching have I left them,
With each his lass, and mine among the rest,
Indulging every one his heart and soul.
When I rose up, they begg'd of me [Uh] to dance—
And thus—I bore me; to convince them all
'Twas done by art—For at the Ionic step
I am a dab—But having on a cloak,
This way I mov'd in fun—Some clapp'd and roar'd,
I should return—Then thus I took a roll
Up to my love, that she might cuddle me—
When, as I turn'd, down flounc'd I—There, be sure
An elegy was sung to all our fun.
Aiming to rise—So!—Now again, I've nearly
Bedawb'd my cloak—Then, there was mirth in plenty—
Upon my downfall—Strait, a cup of wine—
And down it went—Then I but chang'd my cloak,
And laid aside the other—And came here
To—[Uh.]—ease my stomach after my debauch.
From my young master come I to my old one,
Just to remind him of his bargain struck—
Here! Open, open—Somebody tell Simo,
That I am here—

SCENE II.

Enter SIMO and BALLIO.
Sim.
'Tis a sad rascal's voice
That calls me forth—But what's this? How! What would you?
And may I trust my eyes?—

Pseu.
Trust them—'Tis I—
Your Pseudolus—And with a garland—[Uh!] drunk—

Sim.
Troth, free and easy this—But how he stands!
Does he then fear me?—But I am thinking, whether
To treat him with severity or mildness—
No, I must use no violence at present,
As I pretend my hope is all in him!

Pseu.
Behold the worst salutes the best of men!

Sim.
Heaven bless thee, Pseudolus! [Pseu. belches.]
Foh!—Curse thee rather.

Pseu.
What ails me thus to toss so? [Uh.]

Sim.
Pox! what ails you
To belch just in my face?

Pseu.
Nay, softly, Sir—
Hold me a little up, for fear I—[Uh!]—fall—.
'Tis a strange thing, you see not I am [Uh.] drunk—

Sim.
What impudence is this?—To go about
Drunk, with a wreath; and in broad day-light too?

Pseu.
It is my pleasure—

Sim.
Is it too your pleasure,
Thus to persist in belching in my face?

Pseu.
A belch is comfortable! [Uh.] Indulge me, Sir—

Sim.
I verily believe this hang-dog here
Could drain the Massick hills, however fertile,
Of four years vintage, in an hour's carousal—

Pseu.
A winter hour; put that in—

Sim.
You say well—
But say, whence bring you your o'erladen vessel?

Pseu.
E'en now I've had a bout with my young master.
But, Sir—How finely Ballio's taken in?
Did I not say, how I would do his business?

Sim.
A sneering rascal!—Does he laugh at me?

Pseu.
I have done it—And the girl may with your son,
Live a free woman—[Uh.]

Sim.
I have heard all in order.

Pseu.
Give me the money then without delay.—

Sim.
I can't deny your right to it—Take your money—

Pseu.
But once you said, you'd never give it me.—
You do, tho'—Come, load me this fellow's shoulders,
[meaning Ballio's.]
And with it, follow me in here—

Sim.
I load him!

Pseu.
Load him—I know you will—

Sim.
What's to be done
With this same beast?—He takes my money here,
And laughs at me besides—

Pseu.
Woe to the vanquish'd!—
Then turn about your shoulder—There—

Bal.
Alas!
Alas! I never thought to see the day,
That I should be a suppliant to thee.

Pseu.
Have done—

Bal.
I suffer—

Pseu.
And 'tis well thou dost—
I should if thou didst not—

Bal.
How, Pseudolus!
And will you take this money of your master?

Pseu.
Assuredly, with all my heart and soul.

Bal.
And have you not the heart to favour me
With some abatement?—

Pseu.
Now you'll say I'm stingy—
But, you shall ne'er the richer be for me.
You'd ne'er had pity on my back to-day,
If I had fail'd.—

Bal.
And if I live, a time
Will come, to be reveng'd—

Pseu.
Why threaten so?
My back is at your service—

Bal.
Very well—

Pseu.
Then come along—

Bal.
And why along with you?

Pseu.
Along, I say—You'll find I speak the truth.

Bal.
Along then—

Pseu.
Ay, to take a rouse with me.

Bal.
Must I go in?—

Pseu.
Do as I order you.
Go in; and you shall have the money with me,
Or more—

Bal.
I go then—Lead me where you will.

Pseu.
Well, Simo, are you angry with me now,
Or with your son, for what has pass'd to day?

Sim.
Not in the least—

Pseu.
[to Bal.]
This way—

Bal.
I follow you.
But the spectators—You invite them too?

Pseu.
By Hercules! they ne'er invited me,
And so I will return the compliment.
But if, with approbation and applause,
[to the spectators.
You grace our Actors and our Comedy,
I ask you all—to come to it to-morrow.

[Exeunt.