University of Virginia Library

Act. I.

Scen. I.

Hearesay, Slicer, Shape, Meanewell.
Hear.
We're made my Boys, we're made; me thinks I am
Growing into a thing that will be worship'd.

Slic.
I shall sleep one day in my Chaine, and Skarlet
At Spittle-Sermon.

Shap.
Were not my wit such
I'd put out monies of being Maior.
But O this braine of mine! that's it that will
Barre me the City Honour.

Hear.
We're cry'd up
O'th' sudden for the sole Tutors of the Age.

Shap.
Esteem'd discreet, sage, trainers up of youth.

Hear.
Our house becomes a place of Visit now.

Slic.
In my poore judgement 'tis as good my Lady
Should venture to commit her eldest sonne
To us, as to the Inns of Court: hee'l be
Undone here only with lesse Ceremony.

Hear.
Speak for our credit my brave man of War.
What Meane-well, why so lumpish?

Mean.
Pray y' be quiet.

Hear.
Thou look'st as if thou plott'st the calling in
O'th' Declaration, or th' Abolishing
O'th' Common-Prayers; cheare up; say something for us.

Mean.
Pray vexe me not.

Slic.
These foolish puling sighs
Are good for nothing, but to endanger Buttons.
Take heart of grace man.

Mean.
Fie y'are troublesome.

Hear.
Nay fare you well then Sir.

[Ex. Hea. Sli. Sha.
Mean.
My Father still
Runs in my mind, meets all my thoughts, and doth
Mingle himselfe in all my Cogitations,
Thus to see eager villaines drag along
Him, unto whom they crouch'd; to see him hal'd,
That ne'r knew what compulsion was, but when
His vertues did incite him to good deeds,
And keep my sword dry—O unequall Nature!
Why was I made so patient as to view,
And not so strong as to redeeme? why should I
Dare to behold, and yet not dare to rescue?
Had I been destitute of weapons, yet
Arm'd with the only name of Son, I might
Have outdone wonder. Naked Piety
Dares more than Fury well-appointed; Bloud
Being never better sacrific'd, than when
It flowes to him that gave it. But alas,
The envy of my Fortune did allow
That only, which she could not take away,
Compassion; that which was not in those savage,
And knowing Beasts; those Engines of the Law,
That even kill as uncontroul'd, as that.
How doe I grieve, when I consider from
What hands he suffer'd! hands that doe excuse
Th' indulgent Prison; shackles being here
A kind of Rescue. Young man tis not well
To see thy aged Father thus confin'd,
Good, good old man; alas thou'rt dead to me,
Dead to the world, and only living to
That which is more than death, thy misery:
The Grave could be a comfort: And shall I—
O would this Soule of mine—But Death's the wish
Of him that feares; hee's lazie that would dye.
I'le live and see that thing of wealth, that worme
Bred out of splendid mucke; that Citizen
Like his owne sully'd Wares throwne by into
Some unregarded corner, and my Piety
Shall be as famous as his Avarice;
His Son whom we have in our Tuition
Shall be the Subject of my good Revenge;
I'le count my selfe no child, till I have done
Something thats worth that name: my Braine shall be
Busie in his undoing; and I will
Plot ruine with Religion; his disgrace
Shall be my Zeales contrivement; and when this
Shall stile me Son againe, I hope 'twill be
Counted not wrong, but Duty. When that time
Shall give my Actions growth, I will cast off
This brood of Vipers: and will shew that I
Doe hate the Poyson, which I meane t'apply.

Exit.

Scen. II.

Mr s Potlucke
Pot.
Now help good Heaven! 'tis such an uncouth thing
To be a widow out of Term-time—I
Doe feele such aguish Qualmes, and dumps and fits,
And shakings still an end—I lately was
A wife I do confesse, but yet I had
No husband: he (alas) was dead to me
Even when he liv'd unto the world; I was
A widdow whiles he breath'd, his death did only
Make others know so much. But yet—

[Enter Hear.
Hear.
How now?
So melancholy sweet?

Pot.
How could I choose
Being thou wert not here? the time is come,
Thou'lt be as good unto me as thy word?

Hear.
Nay, hang me if I er'e recant. You'l take me
Both wind and limb at th' venture, will you not?

Pot.
Ay good Chuck, every inch of thee, she were
No true woman that would not.

Hear.
I must tell you
One thing, and yet I'm loth.

Pot.
I am thy Rib,
Thou must keep nothing from thy Rib, good Chuck;
Thy yoak-fellow must know all thy secrets.

Hear.
Why then I'l tell you sweet.

[He whispers her
Pot.
Heaven defend!

Hear.
'Tis true.

Pot.
Now God forbid; and would you offer
T' undoe a widdow-woman so? I had
As leive the old Vintner were alive againe.

Hear.
I was not born with it I confesse; but lying
In Turky for Intelligence, the great Turk,
Somewhat suspicious of me, lest I might
Entice some o'th' Seraglio, did command
I should be forthwith cut.

Pot.
A heathen deed
It was: none but an Infidel could have
The heart to do it.

Hear.
Now you know the worst
That you must trust to, come lets to the Church.

Pot.
Good Mr Hear-say, Nature ne'r intended
One woman should be joyned to another.
The holy blessing of all wedlock was
T' encrease and multiply, as Mr Christopher
Did well observe last Sabbath. Ile not do
Any thing 'gainst Gods word. I do release you
Of all your promises, and that it may not
Be said you lost by loving me, take this.
Perhaps I may get you a contribution
O'th' women of the Parish, as I did
The broken-bellied-man the other day.

Hear.
Seeing you needs will cast me off, let me
Intreat this one thing of you that you would not
Make me your Table-talk, at the next Gossiping.

Exit.
Pot.
Indeed I pitty thee poor thing, or rather
[En. Slic.
I pitty thee poore nothing. Good Lieutenant
How dost thou? Thou art mindfull of thy Promise?

Slic.
What else my jolly wench?

Pot.
Good sweet Lieutenant
Give me but leave to aske one Question of you,
Art thou intire and sound in all thy limbs?

Slic.
To tell the very truth, ere now I've had
A spice o'th' Pox, or so; but now I am sound
As any Bell (Hem) wast not shrill my Girle, ha?

Pot.
I do not aske thee about these diseases;
My question is whether thou'st all thy parts.

Slic.
Faith I have lost a joint or two; as none
Of our Profession come off whole, unlesse
The Generall, and some sneaks.

Pot.
My meaning is
Whether that something is not wanting that
Should write thee husband.

Slic.
Ne'r feare that my wench;
Dost think the King would send me to the wars
Without I had my weapons? Eunuchs are not
Men of imploiment in these dayes; his Majesty
Hath newly put me on a peece of service;
And if I e're come oft (which I doe feare
I shan't, the danger is so great) brave Widow
Wee'l to't and get Commanders.

Potl.
If you can
Leave me I can leave you: there are other men
That wo'nt refuse a Fortune when 'tis proffer'd.

Slic.
Well, I must to his Majesty, think on't;
So fare thee well. Thine to his very Death,
That is a Month or two perhaps, D. Slicer.

[Ex. En. Sha.
Potl.
Kind Master Shape, you are exceeding welcome.
Here hath bin Mr Hearsay, and Lieutenant
Slicer: You may ghesse at their businesse, but
I hope you thinke me faithfull.

Sh.
I beleeve
The memory of your Husbands ashes, which
Scarce yet are cold, extinguisheth all flames
That tend to kindling any Love fire: 'Tis
A vertue in you, which I must admire
That only you amongst so many should
Be the sole Turtle of the Age.

Potl.
I doe
Beare him in memory I confesse; but when
I doe remember what your promise was
When he lay sicke, it doth take something from
The bitternesse of Sorrow. Woman was
Not made to be alone still.

Sh.
Tender things
At seventeen may use that plea; but you
Are now arriv'd at Matron: these young sparkes
Are rak'd up, I presume, in sager Embers.

Potl.
Nay don't abuse her that must be your Wife;
You might have pitty, & not come with your nicknames,
And call me Turtle: have I deserv'd this?

Sh.
If that you once hold merits, I have done;
I'm glad I know what's your Religion.

Potl.
What's my Religion? 'tis well known there hath
Been no Religion in my house e'r since
My Husband dy'd.

Ent. Slic. Hearsay.
Hear.
How now sweet Shape? so close
Alone w' your Widow.

Sh.
Sirs dare you beleeve it?
This thing, whose prayer it hath been these ten
Yeares, that she may obtaine the second tooth,
And the third haire, now dotes on me, on me
That doe refuse all that are past sixteen.

Slic.
Why faith this was her sute to me just now.

Hear.
I had the first on't then. A Coachman, or
A Groome were fitter far for her.

Slic.
You doe
Honour her too much to thinke she deserves
A thing that can lust moderately, give her
The sorrell Stallion in my Lords long stable.

Sha.
Or the same colour'd Brother, which is worse.

Potl.
Why Gentlemen—

Hear.
Foh, foh! she hath let fly.

Potl.
Doe y' think I have no more manners than so?

Sha.
Nay faith I can excuse her for that: But
I must confesse she spoke, which is all one.

Slic.
Her breath would rout an Army, sooner than
That of a Cannon.

Hear.
It would lay a Devill
Sooner than all Trithemius charmes.

Sha.
Heark how
It blusters in her nosthrils like a wind
In a foule Chimney.

Potl.
Out you base companions,
You stinking Swabbers.

Hear.
For her gate, that's such,
As if her nose did strive t' outrun her heels.

Sha.
She's just six yards behind, when that appears;
It saves an Usher Madam.

Pot.
You are all
Most foul-mouth'd knaves to use a woman thus.

Sli.
Your playster'd face doth drop against moist weather.

Sha.
Fie, how you writh it; now it looks just like
A ruffled boot.

Slic.
Or an oyld paper Lanthorn.

Hear.
Her nose the candle in the midst of it.

Sha.
How bright it flames? Put out your nose good Lady
You burn day-light.

Pot.
Come up you lowsie Raskals.

Hear.
Not upon you for a Kingdom good Joane,
The great Turk, Joane—the great Turk.

Slic.
Kisse him Chuck,
Kisse him Chuck open'd mouth'd and be reveng'd.

Pot.
Hang you base cheating Varlet.

Slic.
Don't you see
December in her face?

Sha.
Sure the Surveyer
Of the high-waies will have to do with her
For not keeping her countenance passable.

Hear.
There lies a hoare frost on her head, and yet
A constant thaw in her nose.

Sha.
She's like a peece
Of fire-wood, dropping at one end, and yet
Burning i'th' midst.

Slic.
O that endeavouring face!
When will your costivenesse have done good Madam?

Hear.
Do you not heare her Guts already squeake
Like Kitstrings?

Slic.
They must come to that within
This two or three yeares; by that time shee'l be
True perfect Cat: They practise before hand.

Pot.
I can endure no longer, though I should
Throw off my womanhood.

Hear.
No need, that's done
Already: nothing left thee, that may stile thee
Woman but Lust, and Tongue; no flesh but what
The vices of the sex exact, to keep them
In heart.

Sha.
Thou art so leane and out of case
That 'twere absurd to call thee Devill incarnate.

Slic.
Th'art a dry Devill troubled with the lust
Of that thou hast not, flesh.

Pot.
Rogue, Raskall, Villaine,
Ile shew your cheating tricks Ifaith: all shall
Be now laid open. Have I suffer'd you
Thus long i' my house, and ne'r demanded yet
One penny rent, for this? Ile have it all,
By this good blessed light I will.

Hear.
You may
If that you please undo your self, you may.
I will not strive to hinder you. There is
Something contriving for you, which may be
Perhaps yet brought about, a Match or so;
A proper fellow; 'tis a trifle, that;
A thing you care not for I know. Have I
Plotted to take you off from these to match you
In better sort, and am us'd thus? As for
The Rent you aske, here take it, take your money;
Fill, choake your gaping throat. But if as yet
You are not deaf to counsell, let me tell you
It had been better that you ne'r had took it.
It may stop some proceedings.

Pot.
Mr Hearsay,
You know you may have even my heart out of
My belly (as they say) if you'l but take
The paines to reach it out; I am sometimes
Peevish I doe confesse; here take your money.

Hear.
No.

Potl.
Good Sir.

Hear.
No, keep it and hoord it up.
My purse is no safe place for it.

Potl.
Let me
Request you that you would be pleas'd to take it.

Hear.
Alas 'twould only trouble me; I can
As willingly goe light, as be your Treasurer.

Potl.
Good Mr Slicer speake to him to take it,
Sweet Mr Shape, joyne with him.

Slic.
Nay, be once
O'rerul'd by a woman.

Sha.
Come, come, you shall take it.

Potl.
Nay Faith you shall; here put it up good Sir.

Hear.
Upon intreaty I'm content for once;
But make no Custome of't; you doe presume
Upon my easie foolishnesse; 'tis that
Makes you so bold: were it another man
He ne'r would have to doe with you. But marke me,
If e'r I find you in this mood againe,
I'le dash your hopes of Marriage for ever.

Ex. all but Hear.

Scen. 3.

To him, Meanewell, Andrew.
And.
God save you Tutors both.

Mean.
Fie Andrew, fie;
What kisse your hand? you smell, not complement.

Hear.
Besides, you come too near when you salute.
Your breath may be discover'd; and you give
Advantage unto him you thus accoast
To shake you by the hand, which often doth
Endanger the whole arme. Your Gallant's like
The Chrystall glasse, brittle; rude handling crackes him.
To be saluted so were to be wounded.
His parts would fall asunder like unto
Spilt Quicksilver; an Eare, an Eye, a Nose
Would drop like Summer fruit from shaken Trees.

Mean.
For the same reason I'd not have you dance.
Some Courtiers, I confesse, doe use it; but
They are the sounder soft, those foolish ones
That have a care of health, which you shall not
If you'l be rul'd by me. The hazard's great,
'Tis an adventure, an exploit, a piece
Of service for a Gentleman to caper.

Hear.
A Gallant's like a Leg of Mutton, boyl'd
By a Spanish Cooke; take him but by the one End
And shake him, all the flesh fals from the bones,
And leaves them bare immediately.

And.
I would
Not be a leg of Mutton here.

Hear.
I saw
In France a Monsieur, only in the Cutting
Of one crosse Caper, Rise a man and come
Downe, to th' amazement of the standers by,
A true extemporary Skeleton;
And was strait read on.

And.
Sure this man,
Good Tutor, was quite rotten.

Mean.
See how you
Betray your breeding now! quite rotten! 'tis
Rottennesse perhaps in Footmen, or in Yeomen,
'Tis tendernesse in Gentlemen; They are
A little over-boyl'd, or so.

Hear.
He is
A Churle, a Hind, that's wholesome; some raw thing
That ne're was at London: One in whom
The Clown is too predominant. Refin'd
People feele Naples in their bodies; and
An Ach i'th'bones at Sixteen, passeth now
For high descent; it argues a great birth.
Low blouds are never worthy such infection.

An.
Ay, but my Father bid me I should live honest,
And say my Prayers, that he did.

Hear.
If that
You cannot sleep at any time, we do
Allow you to begin your Prayers, that so
A slumber may seize on you.

Mean.
But as for
Your living honost, 'twere to take away
A trade i'th' Common-wealth; the Surgeons
Benefit would go down: you may go on
In foolish chastity, eate only Sallads,
Walk an unskilfull thing, and be to learn
Something the first night of your wife; but that's
To marry out of fashion.

An.
Here's no Proofes,
No Doctrines, nor no Uses. Tutor I
Would fain learn some Religion.

Hear.
Religion?
Yes to become a Martyr, and be pictur'd
With a long Labell out o' your mouth, like those
In Foxes Book; just like a Jugler drawing
Ribband out of his throat.

An.
I must be gone.

Mean.
Obedience is the first step unto science;
Stay and be wise.

An.
Indeed I dare not stay
The Glyster works you sent to purge gross humors.

[Ex.
Mean.
Being you will not take your Lecture out
Good morrow to y' good Andrew. This soft foole
Must swim in's Fathers wealth. It is a curse
That Fortune justly makes the City's lot,
The young Fool spends what e're the old Knave got.

Ex. Mean.

Scen. IV.

To Hearsay, enter Slicer and Credulous.
Hear.
Sir let me tell you this is not the least
Of things wherein your wisedome shewes itself,
In that you've plac'd your Son in this good sort.

Cred.
Nay nay, let me alone to give him breeding;
I did not hold the University
Fit for the training up of such a Spirit.

Slic.
The University? 't had been the only way
T' have took him off his courage, and his mettal,
He had return'd as Slaves doe from the Gallies,
A naked shorn thing with a thin dockt top,
Learnedly cut into a Logick mode.

Hear.
A private Oath given him at first Entrance
Had sworn him Pilgrim unto Conventicles;
Engag'd him to the hate of all, but what
Pleaseth the stubborn froward Elect.

Slic.
But we
Following another Modell doe allow
Freedome and courage, cherish and maintaine
High noble thoughts—

Hear.
Set nature free, and are
Chymists of manners—

Sli.
Do instruct of States—

Hear.
And Wars: there's one, look on him—

Slic.
Doe but view
That searching Head—

Hear.
The very soule of Battell,
True steele.

Slic.
H' hath been an Agent some few years
(A score or so) for Princes, and as yet
Doth not write forty.

Hear.
I confesse I can
Discover th' Entrailes of a State perhaps,
Lay open a Kingdoms Paunches, shew the bowels
And inwards of a Seigniory or two;
But for your deeds of Valour, there is one,
Although I speak it to his face, that can
Write a Geography by his own Conquests.
H'hath fought o'r Strabo, Ptolomy and Stafford;
Travell'd as far in arms, as Lithgoe naked.
Born weapons whither Coriat durst not
Carry a shirt or shooes. Jack Mandevil
Ne'r saild so far as he hath steerd by Land;
Using his Colours both for mast and saile.

Cred.
I'd thought h' had been Leiutenant.

Hear.
That's all one.

Slic.
I've worn some Leather out abroad; let out
A heathen Soul or two; fed this good sword
With the black bloud of Pagan Christians;
Converted a few Infidels with it.
But let that passe. That man of peace there hath
Been trusted with Kings Breasts—

Hear.
His name is heard
Like Thunder, and that meer word, Slicer, hath
Sufficed unto victory.

Slic.
He's close,
Reserv'd, lock'd up. The secrets of the King
Of Tartary, of China, and some other
Counsels of moment have been so long kept
In's body without vent, that every morning
Before he covers them with some warme thing
Or other you may smell'em very strongly;
Distinguish each of them by severall sents—

Hear.
A grove of Pikes are rushes to him, hail
More frights you, than a shower of Bullets him—

Slic.
The Dutch come up like broken beer; the Irish
Savour of Usquebaugh; the Spanish they
Smell like unto perfume at first, but then
After a while end in a fatall steame—

Hear.
One Drum's his Table, the other is his Musick.
His Sword's his Knife, his Colours are his Napkins.
Carves nourishing Horse, as he is us'd to do
The hostile Paguim, or we venison: Eates
Gunpowder with his meat instead of Pepper,
Then drinks o'r all his Bandeleers, and fights—

Slic.
Secrets are rank'd and order'd in his belly,
Just like Tobacco leaves laid in a sweat.
Here lies a row of Indian secrets, then
Something of's own on them; on that another
Of China Counsels, cover'd with a lidd
Of New-found-land discoveries; next, a bed
Of Russia Policies, on them a lay
Of Prester-Johnion whispers—

Hear.
Slights a tempest;
Counts lightning, but a giving fire, and thunder
The loud report when heaven hath discharg'd.
H'hath with his breath supplyd a breach.
When he's once fixt no Engine can remove him.

Slic.
'Twould be a Policy worth hatching, to
Have him dissected, if'twere not too cruell.
All states would lye as open as his bowels.
Turkey in's bloudy Liver; Italy
Be found in's reines; Spaine busie in his Stomack;
Venice would float in's Bladder; Holland saile
Up and down all his veines; Bavaria lie
Close in some little gut, and Ragioni
Di Stato generally reek in all.

Cred.
I see my Son's too happy; he is born
To be some man of Action, some Engine
For th'overthrow of Kingdomes.

Hear.
Troth he may
Divert the Torrent of the Turkish rule
Into some other Tract; damme up the streame
Of that vast headlong Monarchy, if that
He want not meanes to compasse his intents.

Cred.
The Turkish Monarchy's a thing too big
For him to mannage; he may make perhaps
The Governour of some new little Island,
And there plant Faith and Zeale: But for the present
M'ambition's only to contrive a Match
Between Sir Thomas Bite-figg's only Daughter,
And (if I may so call him now) my Son;
'Twill raise his Fortunes somewhat.

Slic.
We have got
One that will doe more good with's tongue that way
Than that uxorious showre that came from Heaven,
But you must oyle it first.

Cred.
I understand you.
Greaze him i'th' fist you meane: there's just ten Peeces,
'Tis but an earnest: If he bring 't about,
I'le make those ten a hundred.

Hear.
Thinke it done.

Ex. Cred. & Ent. Sh. Mean.

Scen. V.

Hearesay, Slicer, Meanewell, Shape.

Our life methinks is but the same with others;
To couzen, and be couzen'd, makes the Age.
The Prey and Feeder are that Civill thing
That Sager heads call Body Politick.
Here is the only difference; others cheat
By statute, but we do't upon no grounds.
The fraud's the same in both, there only wants
Allowance to our way: the Common-wealth
Hath not declar'd her self as yet for us;
Wherefore our Policy must be our Charter.

Mea.
Well mannag'd Knav'ry is but one degree
Below plaine Honesty.

Slic.
Give me villany
That's circumspect, and well advis'd, that doth
Colour at least for goodnesse. If the Cloake
And Mantle were pull'd off from things, 'twould be
As hard to meet an honest Action as
A liberall Alderman, or a Court Nun.

Hear.
Knowing then how we must direct our steps,
Let us chalk out our paths; you, Shape, know yours.

Sha.
Where e'r I light on Fortune, my Commission
Will hold to take her up: I'l ease my silken
Friends of that idle luggage, we call Money.

Hear.
For my good toothlesse Countesse, let us try
To win that old Emerit thing, that like
An Image in a German clock, doth move,
Not walke, I meane that rotten Antiquary.

Mean.
Hee'l surely love her, 'cause she looks like some
Old ruin'd peece, that was five Ages backward.

Hear.
To the great Vestry wit, the Livery braine,
My Common-Councell Pate, that doth determine
A City businesse with his gloves on's head,
We must apply good hope of wealth and meanes.

Slic.
That griping Knight Sir Thomas must be call'd
With the same lure: he knows t'a crum how much
Losse is in twenty dozen of Bread, between
That which is broke by th' hand, and that is cut.
Which way best keeps his Candles, bran or straw.
What tallow's lost in putting of 'm out
By spittle, what by foot, what by the puffe,
What by the holding downwards, and what by
The extinguisher; which week will longest be
In lighting, which spend fastest; he must heare
Nothing but Moyties, and Lives, and Farmes,
Coppies, and Tenures; he is deaf to th' rest.

Mean.
I'l speak the language of the wealthy to him.
My mouth shall swill with Bags, Revenues, Fees,
Estates, Reversions, Incomes, and assurance.
He's in the Gin already, for his Daughter
Shee'l be an easie purchase.

Hear.
I do hope
We shall grow famous; have all sorts repaire
As duly to us, as the barren Wives
Of aged Citizens do to St Antholius.
Come let us take our Quarters: we may come
To be some great Officers in time,
And with a reverend Magisterial frown,
Passe sentence on those faults that are our own.

Ex Om.