 | The Ordinary |  |
ACT. V.
SCENE I.
Sir Thomas Bitefig as sick, Iane.Sr Tho.
Now that I have made ev'n Girl, with Heav'n,
Though I am past the worst, and I perceive
My dinner only griev'd me, yet 'cause Life's
Frail, and uncertain, let me counsell thee,
'Tis good to be before hand still. First then
I charge thee lend no money; next serve God;
If ever thou hast Children teach 'em thrift;
They'l learn Religion fast enough themselves.
Nay, do not weep but hearken. When Heav'n shall
Please to call in this Weary Soul of mine,
Ben't idle in expence about my Burial;
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To cloath corruption; I can rot without
Fine linnen; 'tis but to enrich the Grave,
And adorn stench, no reverence to the dead,
To make 'em crumble more luxuriously.
One Torch will be sufficient to direct
The footsteps of my Bearers. If there be
Any so kind as to accompanie
My body to the Earth, let them not want
For entertainment, prethee see they have
A sprig of Rosemary dip'd in common water,
To smell to as they walk along the streets.
Eatings and drinkings are no obsequies.
Raise no oppressing Pile to load my Ashes;
But if thou'l needs b'at charges of a Tomb,
Five or six foot of common stone engrav'd
With a good hopefull word, or else a couple
Of capital letters filled up with pitch,
Such as I set upon my Sheep, will serve;
State is not meet for those that dwell in dust.
Mourn as thou pleasest for me, plainness shews
True grief: I give thee leave to do it for
Two or three years, if that thou shalt think fit.
'Twill save expence in cloaths. And so now be
My blessing on thee, and my means hereafter.
Jan.
I hope Heav'n will not deal so rigidly
With me, as to preserve me to th' unmelcome
Performance of these sad injunctions.
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Scen. II.
To them Meanwell.Mean.
Good health unto you Sir.
Sr Tho.
I have the more
By reason of the care you took in sending
A Confessor unto me.
Mean.
I? a Confessor?
Sure there is some design, some trick or other
Put on you by those men, who never sleep
Unless they've cheated on that Day.
Sir Tho.
I hope
You do mean your Partners my good friends?
Mean.
They ne'r deserve the name of friends, they do
Covet, not love. If any came from them,
It was some Vulture in a holy habit,
Who did intend your Carkasse, nor your safety;
Indeed I know not of't, I've all this while
Appear'd another to you than I am.
Discloseth himself.
Perhaps you know me now. I'm he whom you
Pleas'd to forbid your house, whom Mr Credulous
Takes leave to stile lost man, and Vagabond.
Sr Tho.
That I forbad you Sir my house was only
In care to my Daughter, not in hate to you.
Mean.
That I frequented it without your leave,
Was both in love to you, and to your Daughter;
That I have all this while liv'd thus disguis'd,
Was only to avert the snare from you,
Not to intrap you; that you might not be
Blinded by those, who like to venemous Beasts,
Have only sight to poyson; that you might not
Ruine your Daughter in a complement.
Sir Tho.
This may b'your plot, and this discoverie
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For 't cannot sink into me that they durst
Make mirth of my repentance, and abuse
My last devotion with a Scene of Laughter.
Mean.
They dare beyond your thought. When parted this
Your Confessor?
Sr Tho.
You could not chuse but meet him,
He is scarce yet at home.
Mean.
If that you dare
But venture with me home, I'l almost promise
I'l make it plain they've put a trick upon you.
Sr Tho.
Though every step were so much toward my grave
I'd tread them o'r with comfort that I might
Discover this religious villany.
Exeunt.
Scen. III.
Hearsay, Slicer, and Shape in his Confessors habit.Hear.
Come my good Vulture speak what prey? what mirth?
Slic.
What income my dear holiness? what sport?
Sha.
Give me the Chair; imagine me the Knight
(When I sit down,) and (when I stand) the Confessor.
As he is thus acting, Meanwell and Sir Thomas discover themselves above.
Thus I come in peace to thy soul good Son,
(Tis you must give it Father; I am ill,
I'm very ill; fit only now for Heav'n.
My Soul would fain be flying, were't not for
A Sin or two that clogs her.) But for a sin
Or two that clogs her? take heed, don't so neer
Your last deliverance play the Sophister
With Heav'n. A sin or two? why, I've heard say
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To th' utmost farthing, and then stand upon
The third Rent Capon. Then he answers me
In the small dolfull tune of a Country wench
Examin'd by th' Officiall, for the mischance
Of a great belly caught at a Whitsonale;
(I could not help it.) Then it is your costome
When you invite, to think your meat laid out,
You write your Beef disburs'd, are wont to call
For the return of't just, as for a debt;
(True.) That two Chimneys ne'r yet smok'd at once
In all your Buildings; (All most true.) That you
Are wont to keep an untouch'd Capon, till
Corruption makes it able to walk out
And visit the Barn Door again: I could
Say much more, but I'd rather have you
Come so much nearer pardon, as t'accuse
Your self by your own mouth.
Slic.
How grave the Rogue was?
Sha.
(I'l do't as strictly as mine Enemy.)
Sir Tho.
I cannot hold; I'l break in as I am,
And take my vengeance whiles my furie's hot.
Mean.
Repress it Sir a while; h'hath but begun.
Sha.
Then thus he dralls it out. (I do confess
I've been addicted to frugality.)
Son do not mince; pray call it Covetousness.
(Imprimis It hath ever been my custome
To ride beyond an Inn to save my horse meat.
Item, When once I had done so, and found
No entertainment, I beguild the children
Of their parch'd pease, my Man being left to that
We make the embleme of mortality:)
What? grass you mean? (or sweet Hay which you please.)
Hear.
Me thinks this 's truly coming to a Reckoning.
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Sha.
(Item I've often bought a Cheapside Custard,
And so refresh'd my soul under my Cloak,
As I did walk the streets.) Cloaking of sins,
Although they be but eating sins, I do
Pronounce most dangerous, (I find this so,
I'd almost lost mine Eyes by't being justled.)
Slic.
O thou rich soul of Roguery.
Shap.
(Moreover
I once sung Psalmes with Servants where I lodg'd,
And took part with 'em in their lovely Reliques;
Truly my soul did lust, they were Temptations.)
What sing that you might eat? It is the sin
O'th' Brethren Son; but that their Reliques are
Whole widows houses.
Hear.
O thou preaching Devill!
Sha.
(Item I enter'd into a Chandlers shop,
And eat my bread in secret, whiles my man
Fed on the wholsome steem of Candle sewet.
Item, which grieves me most, I did make bold
With the Black Puddings of my needy Taylor;
Satan was strong, they did provoke me much.)
Sr Tho.
Wretch that I was to trust my bosome to
One so exactly bad, that if the book
Of all mens lives lay open to his view
Would meet no sin unpractis'd by himself.
I will rush in.
Mean.
Good Sir keep close a while,
Sha.
I see no tears, no penetentiall tears.
(Alas! I cannot weep, mine Eyes are Pumice.
But Alms I hope may yet redeem.) Alms giv'n
In a large manner Son. (Won't fifty pounds
Wipe off my score?) If doubled 't may do something.
(Can I be sav'd no cheaper? take this then
And pray for me.) With that I thus dismiss'd him.
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Being thou'st powr'd thus out thy soul—The wolf!
The wolf! 'sfoot peace, we're in the noose:
We are betrai'd, yon's Meanwell and the Knight—
Truly he is as good a man as any
I ever yet confess'd—don't look that way—
A very honest charitable man,
Full of sincerity, and true devotion.
Sr Tho.
Patience it self would now turn furious,
Let's for some Officers.
Ex. Sir Tho. and Mean.
Sha.
Discover'd all!
Religion is unluckie to me.
Hear.
Man!
Perfidious man! there is no trust in thee!
Slic.
I never lik'd this Meanwell; I did alwaies
See treachery writ in's forehead: I well hop'd
H'ad been in Prison with his wench.
Sha.
leave railing.
Along with me. There is left one way more;
The Cat may yet perhaps light on all foure.
Exeunt.
Scen. IV.
Sir Thomas Bitefig, Meanwell, Constable, Watchmen.Sir Tho.
VVhat gone? upon my life they did mistrust.
Mean.
They are so beaten that they smell an Officer,
As Crows do Powder.
Sr Tho.
Watchman call you forth
The Mistris of the house, Imprimis, for
Ex. Officer.
They have their lurking hole near hand most certain.
Enter Moth, and Potluck as Man and Wife.
Mo.
Denuncio vobis gaudium magnum,
Robertus de Tinea electus est in sedem Hospitalem,
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Joy comes to our house. I Robert Moth am
Chesen into thylk Hospitall seat,
Thylk Bason of Jone Potluck, Vintners Widow,
And do transmue my name to Giffery.
New foysons byn ygraced with new Titles.
Come buss.
Pot.
Fie! Mr Giffery I swear
You make m' asham'd 'fore all this Company.
Sir Tho.
Sir, if you be the Master of this house,
You've harbor'd here a company of cheating Villains,
Which we are come to apprehend.
Pot.
Pray y' look,
Search every Corner, here's no cheats. I'm sure
The house was clear before your Worship entred.
Con.
Make fast the Doors for fear they do escape.
Let's in and ferret out these cheating Rakehels.
As the Watchmen go in and out the Rooms Hearsay, Slicer, and Shape mingle themselves with 'em, being accounted Watchmen, and so pass without discovery.
Enter 1. Watchman, and Hearsay.
1 Watch.
'Tis very certain they are not in the house.
Sr Tho.
They had no time to get away.
Hear.
Why then,
It may be being they are such cunning Fellows,
They have the trick of going invisible.
Enter 2 Watchman, and Slicer.
2 Watch.
There's no place left unsearch'd but Pots and Mouseholes.
Slic.
They're either gone or in the House that's certain.
2 Watchm.
That cannot be; the Doors were shut I'm sure,
And so they could not get out; the Rooms then are
All search'd, and so they cannot be within.
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I'l lay my neck to a farthing, then they're vanish'd.
Hear.
Sunk like the Queen, they'l rise at Queenhive sure.
Enter Constable, and other Watchmen, and Shape among 'em, bringing in Credulous, and Caster.
Sha.
Most certain these are two of them: for this
Old Knave, I'l take my Oath that he is one.
Con.
Confess, confess, where are your other Comrads?
Cre.
I am as honest as the skin that is
Between thy Brows?
Con.
What skin between my Brows?
What skin thou knave? I am a Christian;
And what is more, a Constable; what skin?
Sr Tho.
You are mistaken friends.
Con.
I cry you mercy.
Sha.
The Constable may call you any thing
In the Kings name upon suspicion.
Sr Tho.
We're cheated friends; these men o'th' Ordnary
Have gull'd us all this while, and now are gone.
Cast.
I am undon. Ne'r let me live if that
I did not think th' would gull me, I perceive
Fansie doth much; see how 'tis come to pass.
Cred.
Where is my Son God blesse him? where is Andrew?
Pray God they have not taken him along;
He hath a perilous wit to be a cheat;
He'd quickly come to be his Majesties Taker.
Con.
I took one Andrew Credulous this morning
In dishonest Adultery with a Trull.
And if he be your Son he is in Prison.
Cred.
Their villany o' my life. Now as I am
A Freeman and a Grocer, I had rather
Have found forty pounds; I pray go fetch him.
Ex. officer.
Sr Tho.
I'm sorry that your Son takes these lewd courses;
He is not fit to make a Husband of.
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Do not condemn before you hear. I'l warrant
Though he be guilty yet hee's innocent.
Enter Have at all.
Mo.
Hent him, for dern love Hent him; I done drad
His Visage foul, yfrounct with glowing eyn.
Have.
I come t' excuse my ruder usage of you.
I was in drink when that I did it: 'twas
The Plot of those base Knaves, I hear are gone,
To teach me valour by the strength of Wine;
Naming that courage which was only fury.
It was not wilfully.
Mo.
I do not reche
One bean for all. This Buss is a blive guerdon.
Hence Carlishnesse yferre. 'Tis a sooth saw,
Had I but venged all mine herme,
Mine Cloak had not been furred half so werme.
Enter Officers with Andrew, Priscilla, and the four that were taken at the Window singing.
Cre.
Now Sir you shall hear all. Come Andrew tell me,
How camst thou hither?
An.
Truly Mr Meanwel
Told me that I should meet with Mr s Jane,
And there I found her Chamber-maid.
Cre.
D'y' see?
Your Chamber-maid Sir Thomas; out you whore.
An.
Take heed what you say Father, shee's my wife.
Cre.
I would thou'rt in thy grave, then 'twere the better
Fortune o'th' two.
Pris.
Indeed this reverend Man
Joyn'd us i'th' Prison.
Chr.
Marriage is a Bond,
So no place fitter to perform it in.
Sr Tho.
Send for my Daughter hither, wee'l know all.
What are you Sir?
Chr.
A workman in the Clergie.
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Yes, this is one I took at th' Window singing,
With these three other vagrant Fellows here.
Chri.
I was in body there, but not in mind,
So that my sin is but inchoately perfect,
And I though in a fault did not offend,
And that for three reasons. First, I did yield
Only a kind of unwilling consent.
Secondly, I was drawn as 'twere by their
Impulsive gentleness. Mark Sir I'm strong.
Thirdly, I deem'd it not a womans-shambles:
Fourthly and lastly, that I sung was only
An holy wish. Once more Beloved.
Sr Tho.
Peace!
Y'have said enough already. How came you
To sing beneath the Window?
Rime.
Mr Hearsay
Told us that Mr Meanwell was new married,
And thought it good that we should gratifie him,
And shew our selves to him in a Festennine.
Cre.
That Raskall Meanwel was the cause of all,
I would had him here.
Sr Tho.
Why? this is he,
Sr Robert Littleworth his Son, he hath
Disclos'd their vilanies; he is no cheat.
Mean.
God save you Mr Credulous; you have
Forgotten me perhaps, I'm somewhat chang'd,
You see your lost man's found; your Vagabond
Appears at last.
Cre.
Go, you are a gibing scab:
Leave off your flouting; you're a beardless Boy;
I am a Father of Children.
Mean.
And your Son
Will be so shortly, if he han't ill luck.
To vex you more, that hundred pounds you sent
To Mr Caster, Shape i'th' habit of
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Cred.
That Raskall;
Thou shewst thy wit t' abuse an old man thus.
As God shall mend me I will hamper thee.
Thou'st been disguis'd here all this while, thou hast;
Would I were braid in mine own morter, if
I do not call th' in Question the next Terme
For counterfeiting of the Kings Subjects.
Come away from him Sirrah, come along.
Ex. Cred. And. Prisc.
Mean.
There's a Trunk they've left behind; I have
Seiz'd it for you; so that you'l be no loser.
Sir Tho.
If you can find a way whereby I may
Reward this courtesie of yours, I shall
Confess my self engaged doubly to you,
Both for the benefit and its requitall.
Ent. Jane.
Mean.
The appearance of your Daughter here suggests
Something to ask, which yet my thoughts call boldness.
Sir Tho.
Can she suggest yet any good, that is
So expert grown in this flesh Brokery?
Mean.
O do not blot that Innocence with suspicion,
Who never came so neere a blemish yet,
As to b' accus'd. To quit you of such thoughts
I did receive a tempting letter from
That Strumpet that's gone out (as sin is bold
To try even where no hope is) I made promise,
But to secure my self, and withall sound
Th' affections of young Credulous unto
Your vertuous Daughter, told him he should meet her
Where I agreed to meet her Chambermaid.
The blame must all be mine.
Sr Tho.
'Tis her deliverance.
Shee hath escap'd two Plagues, a lustfull fool.
Mean.
I dare not challenge her I do confess,
As a reward due to my service, and
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I'l never draw her from obedience:
I will not love her to procure her ruine,
And make m' affection prove her Enemy.
Sr Tho.
You speak most honestly, I never did
Think ill of your intents, but alwaies gave
A testimony to your life as large
As were your merits. But your fortunes are
Unequal, there's the want.
Mean.
What's there defective
Love shall supply: True, Mr Credulous
Is a rich man, but yet wants that which makes
His riches usefull, free discretion.
He may be something in the Eye o'th' World;
But let a knowing man that can distinguish
Between Possessions, and good parts, but view him,
And prize impartially, he will be rated
Only as Chests, and Caskets, just according
To what he holds. I valew him, as I
Would an Exchequer, or a Magazine.
He is not vertuous, but well stor'd, a thing
Rather well victuall'd then well qualified.
And if you please to cast your Eye on me,
Some moneys will call back my Fathers Lands
Out of his lime-twig fingers, and I shall
Come forth as gay as he.
Sr Tho.
I'l strive no longer
For fear I seem t'oppose felicity.
If shee'l give her consent y'are one.
Jan.
It is
The voice of Angels to me: I had thought
Nothing in all the store of nature could
Have added to that love, wherewith I do
Reverence that name, my Father, till that you
Spoke this.
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I know your former Loves; grow up
Into an aged pair, yet still seem young.
May you stand fresh, as in your Pictures still,
And only have the reverence of the Aged.
I thank you for your pains Mr Constable,
You may dismiss your Watch now.
Sha.
A pox on't!
That after all this ne'r a man to carry
To Prison? must poor Tradesmen be brought out
And no body clap'd up?
Mean.
That you mayn't want
Employment, friends take this I pray and drink it.
Sli.
Sir, when y'are cheated next we are your servants—
Ex. all but Shape, Hear. Slic.
Scen. V.
Shape, Slicer, Hearsay.Sha.
Lye thou there Watchman; how the knave that's look'd for
May often lurck under the Officer!
Invention I applaud thee.
Hear.
London aire
Me thinks begins to be too hot for us.
Slic.
There is no longer tarrying here, let's swear
Fidelity to one another, and
So resolve for New England.
Hear.
'Tis but getting
A little Pigeon-hole reformed Ruff—
Slic.
Forcing our Beards into th'Orthodox bent—
Sha.
Nosing a little Treason 'gainst the King;
Bark something at the Bishops, and we shall
Be easily receiv'd.
Hear.
No fitter Place.
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Be cheated without trouble: One eye is
Put out with Zeal, th' other with Ignorance,
And yet they think they're Eagles.
Sha.
We are made
Just fit for that Meridian: no good work's
Allow'd there; Faith, Faith is that they call for,
And we will bring it 'em.
Slic.
What Language speak they?
Hear.
English, and now and then a Root or two
Of Hebrew, which wee'l learn of some Dutch Skipper
That goes along with us this Voyage; Now
We want but a good Wind, the Brethrens sighs
Must fill our sailes. For what old England won't
Afford, New England will. You shall hear of us
By the next Ship that comes for Proselytes.
Each soyl is not the good mans Country only;
Nor is the lot his to be still at home:
Wee'l claime a share, and prove that Nature gave
This Boon, as to the good, so to the knave.
Exeunt.
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