University of Virginia Library

ACT. IV.

SCEN. I.

Credulous, Hearsay, Slicer.
Cred.
My Name's not Tribulation,
Nor holy Ananias:
I was baptiz'd in fashion,
Our Vicar did hold Bias.

Hear.
What, how now Mr Credulous? so merry?

Cred.
Come let's be mad; by yea and nay my Son
Shall have the Turkish Monarchy; he shall
Have it directly: the twelve Companies
Shall be his Kickshaws.

Hear.
Bashaws Sir you mean.

Cred.
Well Sir, what if I do? Andrew the great Turk!
I would I were a pepper corn if that
It sounds not well: do'st not?

Slic.
Yes, very well.

Cred.
I'l make it else: Great Andrew Mahomet,
Imperious Andrew Mahomet Credulous,
Tell me which name sounds best.

Hear.
That's as you speak 'em.

Cred.
Oatemeleman Andrew, Andrew Oatmeleman.

Hear.
Ottoman Sir you meane.

Cred.
Yes Ottoman.
Then Mr s Jane, Sir Thomas Bitefiggs Daughter,
That may be the she Great Turk, if she please me.

Sli.
The Sign o'th' half Moon that hangs at your door,
Is not for nought.

Cred.
That's the Turks Armes they say;
The Empire's destin'd to our house directly.
Hang Shop-books, give's some Wine, hay for a noise
Of Fidlers now.

Hear.
The Great Turk loves no Musick.

Cred.
Doe's he not so? nor I. I'l light Tobacco
With my Sum-totals; my Debt-books shall sole
Pyes at young Andrew's Wedding: cry you mercy;
I would say Gentlemen the Great Turks Wedding.
My Deeds shall be slic'd out in Taylors Measures;
They all imploy'd in making Mr s Mahomet
New Gowns against the time; hang durty wealth.

Sl.
What should the Great Turks father do wt h wealth?

Cred.
Snigs I would fain now heare
Some fighting News.

[Ent. Cast.
Slic.
There's one will furnish you I warrant you.

Cast.
Pox!—Plague!—Hell!—Death!—Damn'd luck!—this 'tis!—
The Devill take all Fortunes: never man
Came off so; quite and clean defunct by Heaven—
Not a peece left.

Cred.
What all your Ord'nance lost?

Cast.
But one to bear, and lose it! all the world
Was sure against me.

Cred.
'Snigs how many fell?

Cast.
He threw twice twelve.

Cred.
By'r Lady a shrewd many.

Cast.
The Devill sure was in his hand I think.

Cred.
Nay, if the Devill was against you, then—

Cast.
But one for to be hit in all the time—
And that too safe enough to any ones thinking;
'T stood on eleven.

Cred.
'Slid a mighty slaughter;
But did he stand upon elev'n at once?

Cast.
The Plague take all impertinencies, peace.

Cred.
These Souldiers are so cholerick there is
No dealing with 'em; then they've lost the day.

Cast.
'Twas ten to one by Heaven all the while.

Cred.
And yet all kill'd at last? hard fortune faith.
What news from Bruxels? or the Hague? d' y' heare
Ought of the Turks designs?

Cast.
I'l make thee news
For the Coranti Dotard.

Cred.
Ay, the Coranti,
What doth that say?

Cast.
O hell! thou foolish thing
Keep in that tongue of thine, or—

Slic.
Good now peace,
He's very furious when he's mov'd.

Hear.
This 'twas.
You must be ventring without your Fancy-man.

Cred.
What Officer's that Fancy-man, Lieutenant?
Some great Commander sure.

Cast.
Pox! let it go;
I'l win't again: 'twas but the Reliques of
An idle hundred.

Cred.
'Snigs and well remember'd.
You did receive the hundred that I sent you
To th' Race this morning by your man, my Bayliffe?

Cast.
Take him away, his wine speaks in him now.

Cred.
Godsnigs the Farme is mine, and must be so.

Slic.
Debate these things another time, good friends.
Enter Haveatall.
Come, come, have Patience. Od's my life away.
There's Mr Have at all is mad; hee'l spit you,
If he but know you are a Usurer.

Cre.
A plot, a plot to take away my life and Farm.

Ex.
Have.
Fight as I live with any one. Lieutenant
Do not come neer me now, nor yet thou Caster;
It works, 'fore Mars it works; I'l take my walk,
And if I do find any one by Iove—

En. Have at all.
Cast.
What's he fox'd too? some drunken Planet raigns
And works upon the world; Provide my fancie
God Noble Patron: I'l win soberly,
I itch till I have beggard all the City.

Exit Cast.
Hea.
Till that you have undone your self you mean.

En. Mo.
Mo.
Ey save you both: for derne love sayen soothly
Where is thylk amebly, Francklin, cleped Meanwel?

Hear.
Hee's gone abroad.

Mo.
Lete me whylk way he wended.

Slic.
He is gon o'r the fields.

Hear.
To the Knights house.

Mo.
Why laugh you every dele? so mote I gone,
This goeth not aright; I dread some Covin.

Exit Moth
Slic.
Now will he meet with Have at all; there'll be
A Combate worthy Chronicle. Let's go
And see how this grave motion will bestir him.

Exeunt.

Scen. II.

Have at all, after a while Moth, Slicer and Hearsay watching.
Ha.
VVhat, no man yet march by? who e'r comes next
I'l give him one rap more for making me
Stay here so long.
Enter Moth.
So so here h'is; how shall
I do to know where he be a Gentleman,
Or Yeoman or Serving-man? I think
I'd best suppose him all, and beat him through
Every degree, and so I shall not wrong him.
What? who goes there?

Moth.
Waes heal thou gentle Knight.

Hav.
Waes heal thou gentle Knight? speak what art thou?
Speak quickly doe: Villain know'st thou not me?

Moth.
Now by my troath I know not your Name;
Whider I shall call you my Lord Dan John,
Or Dan Thomas, or Dan Robert, or Dan Albon:
I vow to God thou hast a full faire chine;
Upon my faith art some Officer.

Hav.
Have you the pox Sir? speak.

Moth.
No.

Hav.
No? nor yet
An ach in your Bones!

Moth.
No.

Hav.
No? why then you are
No Gentleman; Lieutenant Slicer says so.
This cudgell then serves turn.

Moth.
You will not foyn?

Hav.
I will not foyn, but I will beat you Sir.

Moth.
Why intermete of what thou hast to done;
So leteth me alone, 't shall be thy best.

Hav.
I fancy'd you a beating; you must have it.
You shall not say but I will shew you favour.
Choose where you will be hacked with my sword,
Or bruis'd by my Batton.

Moth.
Dre not thy true,
And paynant Morglay out of Shete. Lo thus
Eftsoons Sir Knight, I greet thee lowting low.

Hav.
Done lower yet.

Moth.
Rueth on my gray haires.

Hav.
Yet lower: so, then thus I do bestride thee.

Moth.
Tubal the sonne of Lamech did yfind
Musick by knocking Hammers upon Anviles;
Let go thine blows, thylke Art is no compleat.

Hav.
Dost thou make me a Smith thou Rogue? a Tubal?

Moth.
Harrow alas! flet Englond, flet Englond:
Dead is Edmond.

Hav.
Take that for history.
O brave Lieutenant now thy dinner works.

Mo.
I nis not Edmond Ironside God wot.

Ha.
More provocation yet? I'l seal thy lips.

Mo.
A twenty Devil way! So did the Saxon
Upon thylke plain of Sarum, done to death
By treachery, the Lords of merry Englond
Nem esur Saxes.

Have.
Villain dost abuse me
In unbaptized language? do not answer;
[Moth entreats by signs.
If that thou dost, by Iove I'l strangle thee.
Do you make mouths you Raskall thus at me?
You're at dumb Service now: why, this is more
Unsufferable than your old patch'd gibberish;
This silence is abuse. I'l send thee to
The Place of it, where thou shalt meet with Oswald,
Vortigern, Harold, Hengist, Horsey, Knute,
Alured, Edgar, and Cunobeline.
[Slic. Hear. step in.
Thus, thus I sheath my Sword.

Slic.
Redoubled Knight
Enough, 'tis thy foe doth vanquish'd lie
Now at thy mercy, mercy not withstand,
For he is one the truest Knight alive,
Though conquer'd now he lie on lowly ground.

Ha.
Thou ow'st thy life to my Lieutenant, Caitife.
Breath and be thankfull.

Mo.
I reche not thine yeft;
Maugre thine head, algate I suffer none,
I am thine lefe, thine deere, mine Potluck Jone.

Exeunt.

Scen. III.

Andrew, Priscilla.
And.
Fairest of things—tralucent creature—Hang me
If I do know what's next.

Pris.
This meant to mee?

And.
Fairest of things—tralucent creature—rather
Obscured Deity—'Tis gone again.
Lady will you eat a peece of Gingerbread?

Pris.
You might have better manners than to scoff
One of my breeding.

An.
Heark; indad I love you.

Pris.
Alas!

An.
I vow I burn in love, as doth
A penny Faggot.

Pris.
Hey ho!

An.
And I shall
Blaze out Sir reverence if ye do not quench me.

Pris.
Indeed now?

An.
Though I say't that should not say't,
I am affected towards you strangely.

Pris.
Now who'd have thought it?

An.
There's a thing each night
Comes to my Bedshead and cries Matrimony,
Matrimony Andrew.

Pris.
God forbid.

An.
It is
Some Spirit that would joyn us.

Pri.
Goodly, goodly.

An.
Then do I shake all over.

Pris.
Doth it so?

An.
Then shake again.

Pris.
I pray you now.

And.
Then cry
Fairest of things—tralucent creature—rather
Obscured Deity, sweet Mr s Jane,
I come I come.

Prisc.
Sweet Sir you are deceiv'd:
I'm but her woeman; here she comes her self.

En. Mrs. Ja.
And.
Now as my Father saith, I would I were
A Cucumber if I know what to doe.

Jan.
Why how now Pris? who's that that useth you
So lovingly?

And.
Fairest of things—'tis one
Tralucent Creature—'tis—Ay that it is
One—

Pris.
That would willingly run out of doores,
If that he had but Law enough.

And.
I say—

Jan.
Nay ben't afraid: here's none shall doe you harm.

An.
'Tis one that brought his Pigs to the wrong market.
You keep your woman here so fine, that I
Had like t' have made a proper businesse on't
Before I was aware. If any thing
Doe prove amisse, indeed-law you shall be
The Father on't. But know tralucent Creature
I am come off entire, and now am yours
Whole, Andrew Credulous, your servants servant.

Jan.
Methinks you contradict your self: how can you
Be wholly mine, and yet my servants servant?

And.
I doe but complement in that (I see
Downright's the best way here) if thou canst love
I can love too. Law thee there now. I'm rich.

Jan.
I use not to look after riches; 'tis
The person that I aime at.

And.
That is me;
I'm proper, handsome faire, clean-limb'd: I'm rich.

Jan.
I must have one that can direct and guide me;
A Guardian rather than a Husband; for
I'm foolish yet.

An.
Now see the luck on't Lady
So am I too Ifaith.

Jan.
And who e'r hath me
Will find me to be one of those things which
His care must first reform.

An.
Do not doubt that;
I have a head for Reformation:
This noddle here shall do it. I am rich,

Jane.
Riches create no love; I fear you mean
To take me for formality only,
As some staid peece of housholdstuff perhaps
Fit to be seen 'mong other ornaments:
Or at the best I shall be counted but
A name of dignity; not entertain'd
For love but State; one of your train, a thing
Took to wipe off suspicion from some fairer
To whom you have vow'd Homage.

An.
Do not think
I've any Plots or Projects in my Head,
I will do any thing for thee that thou
Canst name or think on.

Pris.
Pray you try him Mistris,
By my Virginity I think hee'l flinch.

And.
By my Virginity (which is as good
As yours I'm sure) by my Virginity
If that we men have any such thing (as
We men haue such a thing) I do beleeve
I will not flinch. Alas! you don't know Andrew.

Jan.
Can you obtain but so much respite from
Your other Soverains service, as to keep
Your Eye from gazing on her for a while?

An.
If I do look on any woman, nay,
If I do cast a sheeps eye upon any
But your sweet self, may I lose one of mine:
Marry I'l keep the other howsoe'r.

Jane.
I know not how I may beleeve you; you'l
Swear you ne'r cast a glance on any, when
Your eye hath baited at each face you met.

An.
Blind me good now: being you mistrust, I will
Be blinded with this handkercheife; you shall
See that I love you now. So, let me have
But any reasonable thing to lead me home,
I do not care though 't be a Dog, so that
He knows the way, or hath the wit t' enquire it.

Jane.
That care Sir shall be mine.

[Ex. Iane, and Pris.
An.
I doubt not, but
I shall be in the Chronicle for this,
Or in a Ballad else. This handkercheif
Shall be hung up i'th' Parish Church insteed
Of a great silken flag to fan my grave:
With my Arms in't, pourtray'd in good blew thread
With this world underneath: This, this was he
That shut his eyes because he would not see.
Hold who comes there?

[Ent. Mean. Shape.
Mean.
One Sir to lead you home.

An.
Who? Tutor Meanwell?

Sha.
Shape couterfeits Mrs Janes voice.
Yes I do commit you
Unto your trusty friend, If you perform
This vow we may—

An.
I'l say your sentence out,
Be man and wife.

Sha.
If you'l do something else
That I'l propose.

An.
Pray make your own conditions.

Sha.
You'l promise me you'l not be jealous of me?

An.
Do what you will I'l trust you.

Sha.
never hire
Any to tempt me?

An.
By this light (I would say
By this darknesse) I never will.

Sha.
Nor mark
On whom I laugh?—

An.
No.

Sha.
Nor suspect My smiles,
My nods, my winks?—

An.
No, no.

Sha.
Nor yet keep count
From any Gallants visit?

An.
I'l ne'r reckon;
You shall do what you will.

Sha.
You'l never set
Great Chests and Formes against my Chamber Door,
Nor pin my smock unto your shirt a nights,
For fear I should slip from you ere you wake?

An.
As I do hope for Day I will not.

Sha.
Give me
Some small pledge from you to assure your love;
If that you yet prove false, I may have something
To witnesse your inconstancy. I'l take
This little Ruby: this small blushing stone
From your fair finger.

An.
Take it Sweet: there is
A Diamond in my Bandstring, if you have
A mind to that I pray make use of't too.

Sha.
In troth a stone of lustre, I assure you
It darts a pretty light, a veget spark;
It seems an Eye upon your Breast.

An.
Nay take it,
For loves sake take it then; leave nothing that
Looks like an Eye about me.

Sha.
My good Andrew,
'Cause of thy resolution, I'l perform
This office for thee. Take my word for't, this
Shall ne'r betray thee.

Ex. Shape.
An.
Farewell honest Jany,
I cannot see to thank thee my sweet Jany.
Tutor, your hand good Tutor, lead me wisely.

Mea.
Take comfort man; I have good news for thee:
Thine eyes shall be thine own before next morning.

Exeunt.

Scen. IV.

Shape, Chirurgion, Mercer.
Sha.
Hee's a good friend of mine, and I presume
Upon your secresie.

Chi.
O Sir—the Deed
By which it came was not more close. D'y' think
I would undo me self by twitting? 'twere
To bring the Gallants all about mine Ears,
And make me mine own Patient. I'm faithfull,
And secret, though a Barber.

Sha.
Nay, but hear me;
Hee's very modest: 'twas his first attempt
Procur'd him this infirmity; he will
Be bashfull I am sure, and won't be known
Of any such thing at the first; you must
Be sure to put him to't.

Chi.
Let me alone,
He knows not yet the world I do perceive.
It is as common now with Gentlemen,
As 'tis to follow fashion; only here
Lyeth the difference, that they keep in this
A little longer. I shall have so much
Upon your word Sir?

Sha.
If you do perform
The cure by that time (twenty peeces Sir.)
You are content?

Mer.
Yes Sir.

Chi.
It shall be done
Ex. Shape.
According to your own prescription.
Sit down I pray you Sir, this Gentleman
Is a good friend of yours.

Mer.
Indeed he is
A very honest man as any one
Can wish to deal with verily.

Chi.
Beleeve't
He loves you very well.

Mer.
I am most ready
To do him any service truly; pray you
Good Brother don't delay me, I'm in haste.

Chi.
Indeed, and truly, verily good Brother;
How could these milk-sop words e'r get him company
That could procure the Pox? where do you feel
You grief most trouble you?

Mer.
I'm very well.
What mean you Brother?

Chi.
Nay, be not so modest;
'Tis no such hainous fault, as that you should
Seek thus to hide it: meer ill fortune only—

Mer.
Surely you do forget your self.

Chi.
Come, come,
He told me you'ld be shamefac'd; you must be
Wary hereafter.

Mer.
(I do perceive
He is a little mad indeed; the Gentleman
Told me so much just as I came along)
Yes, yes, I'l be wary, I'l take heed,
Come pray y' dispatch me.

Chi.
So, I like you now.
It is the custome of most Gentlemen
Not to confesse untill they feel their bones
Begin t' admonish 'em.

Mer.
You are i'th' right:
Good friend make haste; I've very urgent businesse.

Chi.
Not rashly neither; Is your Gristle sound?
Me thinks 'tis very firm as yet to th' touch.
You fear no danger there as yet Sir, do you?

Mer.
No, I'l assure you. (He must have his humour;
I see he is not to be cross'd.)

Chi.
When did you
Feel the first grudging on't? 'tis not broke out
In any place?

Mer.
No, no: I pray y' dispatch me.

Chi.
These things desire deliberation;
Care is requir'd.

Mer.
Good Brother go t'your Chest.

Chi.
How can I know what Med'cines to apply,
If that you tell me not where lies your grief?

Mer.
Nay good now let me go.

Chi.
I must not Sir,
Nor will not truly: trust me you will wish
You had confess'd and suffer'd me in time,
When you shall come to dry burnt Racks of Mutton,
The Syren, and the Tub.

Mer.
So now enough;
Pray fetch me what you promis'd.

Chi.
Are you wild,
Or mad? I do protest I ne'r did meet
A Gentleman of such perversnesse yet.
I find you just as I was told you should.

Mer.
I lose the taking, by my swear, of taking
As much, whiles that I am receiving this.

Chi.
I will not hinder you, if that you do
Prefer your gain before your health.

Mer.
Well then
I pray you tell it out; we Tradesmen are not
Masters of our own time.

Chi.
What would you have?

Mer.
What would I have? as if you did not know;
Come come leave jesting now at last good Brother.

Chi.
I am in earnest Sir.

Mer.
Why, I would have
My money Sir, the twenty peeces that
The Gentleman did give you order now
To pay me for the Velvet, that he bought
This morning of me.

Chi.
O! the Gentleman—

Mer.
You should not make a laughing stock good Brother
Of one that wrongs you not; I do professe
I won't be fubb'd ensure your self.

Chi.
The Gentleman!
Oh! oh! the Gentleman! is this the cure
I should perform? truly I dare not venture
Upon such desperate Maladies.

Mer.
You are
But merrily dispos'd?

Chi.
Indeed they are
Too high for my small Quality; verily
Perhaps good Brother you might perish under
Mine hands truly; I do profess I am not
Any of your bold Mountebanks in this.

Mer.
You're still dispos'd—

Chi.
To laugh at you good Brother.
Gull'd by my swear, by my swear gull'd; he told me
You had a small infirmity upon you,
A griefe of youth, or two; and that I should
Have twenty peeces for the cure. He ask'd you
If that you were content, you answered yes.
I was in hope I'd gain'd a Patient more;
Your best way is to make haste after him.

Mer.
Now could I beat my self for a wise fool
That I was, thus to trust him.

Exit.
Chi.
B'w'y' Brother.
'Fore God a good one. O! the Gentleman.

Ex laughing.

Scen. V.

Rimewell, Bagshot, Catchmey, Sir Christopher;
A Song at a window; congratulating (as they think) Mr Meanwels Marriage.


Sing.
God give you joy Mr Meanwell. God give your Worship good morrow.

Rim.
Come let's be going.

Chr.
Hold, a blow I'l have,
One jerk at th' times, wrap'd in a benediction
O'th' Spouses teeming, and I'l go with you.


A Song.
Now thou our future Brother,
That shalt make this Spouse a Mother,
Spring up, and Dod's blessing on't.
Shew thy little sorrell Pate
And prove regenerate
Before thou be brought to the Font.
May the Parish Surplice be
Cut in peeces quite for thee,
To wrap thy soft body about;
So 'twill better service do
Reformed thus into
The state of an Orthodox Clout.
When thou shalt leave the Cradle,
And shalt begin to waddle,
And trudge in thy little Apron;
Mayst thou conceive a grace
Of half an hours space,
And rejoice in thy Friday Capon.
For an errour that's the Flocks
Name Mr Paul, but urge St Knoxe;
And at every reform'd Dinner,
Let cheese come in, and preaching,
And by that third Course teaching,
Confirm an unsatisfi'd Sinner.
Thence grow up to hate a Ring,
And defie an offering:
And learn to sing what others say.
Let Christ-tide be thy fast,
And lent thy good repast:
And regard not an Holy day.

Enter Constable and Assistants.
Con.
Lay hold on them; lay hold on them I say:
I'l hamper them.

Cat.
Hell take your headlong zeale;
You must be jerking at the times forsooth.
I am afraid the times will scape, and we
The men of them shall suffer now the scourge.

Con.
Let none escape.

Chri.
'Twas godliness verily:
It was a Hymn I warbled.

Con.
Thou dost lye,
It was no Hymn, it was a Song. Is this
Your filthy Rendevow? you shall be taught
Another tune.

Chr.
I do beseech you shew
Mercifull cruelty, and as 'twere a kind
Of pittifull hard heartednesse. I'm strong.

They bring in Andrew, and Priscilla.
Con.
I'm glad you told me so, I will provide
Your Ward accordingly. Drag 'em out both.

An.
Let me but send to th' Ordinary.

Pri.
You shall not,
The Ord'nary hath sent to you: No Baile,
I will take none. I'l suffer no such sneaks
As you, t'offend this way. It doth belong
T' your Betters Sir.

An.
Here's a sufficient Man
I do assure you, take my word for that.

Con.
This staff was made to knock down sin. I'l look
There shall be no Advowtry in my Ward
But what is honest, I'l see Justice done
As long as I'm in office, Come along.

Exeunt.