University of Virginia Library

ACT. II.

SCENE I.

Have-at-all, Slicer, Hearsay, having rescued him in a Quarrell.
Have.
'Tis destin'd, I'l be valiant, I am sure
I shall be beaten with more credit then,
Than now I do escape. Lieutenant hast
Bethought thy self as yet? hast any way
To make my Sword fetch bloud?

Slic.
You never yet
Did kill your man then?

Have.
No.

Hear.
Nor get your Wench
With child I warrant?

Have.
O Sir.

Slic.
You're not quite
Free of the Gentry till y'have marrd one man
And made another: when one fury hath
Cryd quit with t'other, and your Lust repair'd
What Anger hath destroyd, the Titles yours,
Till then you do but stand for't.

Have.
Pox! who'd be
That vile scorn'd Name, that stuffs all Court-gate Bils?
Lieutenant thou mayst teach me valour yet.

Slic.
Teach thee? I will inspire thee man. I'l make
Thy name become a terrour, and to say
That Have-at-all is comming, shall make roome
As when the Bears are in Procession.
Heark hither Franke—

They consult.
Hear.
That's good, but—

Slic.
How think'st now?

Hear.
Nay he will pay you large—lie.

[aloud
Have.
Pay, what else?

Hear.
Make him beleeve the Citizen's his Guest,
The Citizen that he is his.

Slic.
Concluded;
Would you fight fair or conquer by a spell?

Have.
I do not care for Witchcraft; I would have
My strength relie meerlie upon it self.

Slic.
There is a way that I ne'r shew'd it yet,
But to one Spaniard, and 'twas wondrous happy.

Have.
Think me a second Spaniard worthy Sir.

Slic.
Then listen. The design is by a dinner;
An easie way you'l say, I'l say a true;
Hunger may break stone walls, it ne'r hurts men.
Your cleanly feeder is your man of valour.
What makes the Peasant grovel in his muck,
Humbling his crooked soule, but that he eates
Bread just in colour like it? Courage ne'r
Vouchsaf'd to dwell a minute, where a sullen
Pair of brown loaves darken'd the durty Table;
Shadows of bread, not bread. You never knew
A solemn Son of Bagpudding and Pottage
Make a Commander; or a Tripe-eater
Become a Tyrant: he's the Kingdoms arm
That can feed large, and choicely.

Have.
If that be
The way, I'l eat my self into courage,
And will devour valour enough quickly.

Slic.
'Tis not the casual eating of those meats,
That doth procure those Spirits, but the order,
And manner of the meal; the ranking of
The dishes, that does all; else he that hath
The greatest range would be the hardest man.
Those goodly Juments of the Guard would fight
(As they eat Beef) after six stone a day;
The Spit would nourish great Attempts: my Lord
Would lead a Troop, as well as now a Masque;
And force the Enemies sword with as much ease
As his Mistrisses Bodkin: Gallants would
Owe valour to their Ordinaries, and fight
After a crown a meal.

Have.
I do conceive
The Art is all in all. If that you'l give
A bill of your directions, I'l account
My self oblig'd unto you for my safety.

Slic.
Take it then thus. All must be Souldier-like;
No dish but must present Artilery.
Some military instrument in each.
Imprimis sixe or seven yards of Tripe
Display'd instead o'th' Ensign.

Have.
Why, you said,
Tripe-eaters ne'r made Tyrants.

Slic.
Peace Sir, Learners
Must be attentive and beleeve. Do y' think
Wee'l eat this? 'tis but for formalitie;
Item a Coller of good large fat Brawn
Serv'd for a Drum, waited upon by two
Fair long black Puddings lying by for drumsticks;
Item a well grown Lamprey for a Fife;
Next some good curious Marchpanes made into
The form of Trumpets: Then in order shall
Follow the Officers. The Captain first
Shall be presented in a warlike Cock,
Swiming in whitebroth, as he's wont in bloud;
The Sergeant Major he may bustle in
The shape of some large Turkey; For my self,
Who am Leiutenant, I'm content there be
A Bustard only; let the Corporall
Come sweating in a Breast of Mutton, stuff'd
With Pudding, or strut in some aged Carpe,
Either doth serve I think. As for Perdues
Some choice Sous'd-fish brought couchant in a dish
Among some fennell, or some other grasse,
Shews how they lie I'th' field. The Souldier then
May be thus rank'd. The common one Chicken,
Duck, Rabbet, Pidgeon. For the more Gentile,
Snipe, Woodcock, Partridge, Pheasant, Quail will serve.

Hear.
Bravelie contriv'd.

Slic.
That weapons be not wanting
Wee'l have a dozen of bones well charg'd with marrow
For Ordnance, Muskets, Petronels, Petarrs;
Twelve yards of Sausage by insteed of Match;
And Caveari then prepar'd for wild-fire.

Hea.
Rare Rogue! how I do love him now me thinks.

Slic.
Next wee'l have true fat, eatable old Pikes;
Then a fresh Turbut brought in for a Buckler,
With a long Spitchcock for the sword adjoyn'd;
Wee'l bring the ancient weapons into play.

Have.
Most rare by heaven.

Slic.
Peaches, Apricocks,
And Malecotoons, with other choiser Plums
Will serve for large siz'd Bullets; then a dish
Or two of Pease for small ones. I could now
Tell you of Pepper in the stead of Powder,
But that 'tis not in fashion 'mongst us Gallants;
If this might all stand upon Drum heads, 'twould
Work somewhat better.

Have.
Wil't so? then we'l have 'em
From every ward i'th' City.

Slic.
No I'm loath
To put you to such charge: for once, a long
Table shall serve the turn; 'tis no great matter.
The main thing's still behind: we must have there
Some Fort to scale; a venison pastie doth it:
You may have other Pies instead of out works;
Some Sconces would not be amisse, I think.
When this is all prepar'd, and when we see
The Table look like a pitch'd Battel, then
Wee'l give the word, Fall too, slash, kill, and spoile;
Destruction, rapine, violence, spare none.

Hear.
Thou hast forgotten Wine, Lieutenant, wine.

Slic.
Then to avoid the grosse absurdity
Of a dry Battel, cause there must some bloud
Be spilt (on th' enemies side I mean) you may
Have there a Rundlet of brisk Claret, and
As much of Aligant, the same quantitie
Of Tent would not be wanting, 'tis a wine
Most like to bloud. Some shal bleed fainter colours,
As Sack, and White wine. Some that have the itch
(As there are Taylors still in every Army)
Shall run with Renish, that hath Brimstone in't.
When this is done fight boldly; write your self
The tenth or 'leventh Worthy, which you please,
Your choice is free.

Have.
I'l be the gaming Worthy;
My word shall be Twice twelve; I think the dice
Ne'r mounted any upon horseback yet.

Sl.
Wee'l bring your friends & ours to this large dinner:
It works the better eaten before witnesse.
Beware you say 'tis yours: Confession is
One step to weaknesse, private Conscience is
A Theater to valour. Let's be close.
Old Credulous, and his Son, and Mr Caster
Shall all be there.

Have.
But then they will grow valiant
All at my charge.

Slic.
Ne'r fear't; th'unknowing man
Eates only Flesh, the understanding Valour;
His ignorance i'th' mystery keeps him coward:
To him 'tis but a Meale; to you 'tis vertue.
It shall be kept here.

Hav.
No fitter place; there is
An old rich Clutchfist Knight, Sir Thomas Bitefig,
Invite him too; perhaps I may have luck,
And break his Purse yet open for one hundred.
A Usurer is somewhat exorable
When he is full: He ne'r lends money empty.

Slic.
Discreet, and wisely done; I was about
T' have prompted it.

Hear.
Stout Mr Have at all
Lets be sworn Brothers.

Have.
Pox! thou fear'st Ile beat thee
After I've eaten. Dost thou think I'l offer't?
By my next meale I won't: nay I do love
My friends how e'r: I do but think how I
Shall bastinado o'r the Ordinaries.
Arm'd with my sword, Battoone and foot Ile walk
To give each rank its due. No one shall scape,
But he I win off.

Hear.
You shall have at least
Some twenty warrants serv'd upon you straight;
The trunck-hose Justices will try all means
To bind you to the Peace, but that your strength
Shall not be bound by any.

Slic.
Surgeons will
Pray for your health and happinesse, you may
Bring 'em to be your Tributaries, if
You but denie to fight a while.

Have.
My teeth
Are on an edge till I do eat; now will
I couzen all men without opposition.
I feel my strength encrease with very thought on't.
Sword, sword, thou shalt grow fat; and thou Battoon
Hold out I prethee, when my labour's done,
I'l plant thee in the Tower-yard, and there
Water'd with wine thou shalt revive, and spring
In spight of Nature with fresh succulent boughs,
Which shall supply the Commonwealth with Cudgels.
Thou I first meet after this meal I do
Pronounce unhappy shadow; happie yet
In that thou'lt fall by me. Some men I will
Speak into Carcasse, Some I'l look to death,
Others I'l breath to dust, none shall hold back
This fatall Arm: The Templers shall not dare
T' attempt a rescue; no mild words shall bury
My splitted spitchcock'd—

Slic.
Oliv'd, hasht—

Hear.
Dri'd, powder'd.

Have.
Rosted fury.

Exeunt.

Scen. II.

Meanwell, Moth.
Mean.
If what I speak prove falss, then stigmatize me.

Mo.
I nas not what you mean; Depardieux you
Snyb mine old years, Sans fail I wene you bin
A Jangler, and a Golierdis.

Mean.
I swear
By these two Janus heads you had of us,
And your own too, as reverend as these,
There is one loves you that you think not on.

Mot.
Nad be, none pleasaunce is me ylaft,
This white topwriteth my much years, I wis
My fire yreken is in Ashen cold,
I can no whit of daliance: If I kissen
These thick stark bristles of mine beard will pricken
Ylike the skin of Hownd-fish. Sikerly
What wends against the grain is lytherly.

Mean.
Me thinks y'are strong enough and very lusty,
Fit to get heyres; among your other peeces
Of age and time, let one young face be seen
May call you Father.

Mo.
Wholsom counsel! but
The world is now full Tykel sykerly;
'Tis hard to find a Damosel unwenned;
They being all Coltish and full of Ragery,
And full of gergon as is a flecken Pye.
Who so with them maketh that bond anon
Which men do clypen spousaile, or wedlock,
Saint Idiot is his Lord I wis.

Mean.
This is
No tender and wanton thing, she is a stay'd
And setled widow, one who'l be a Nurse
Unto you in your latter daies.

Mo.
A Norice
Some dele ystept in age! so mote I gone
This goeth aright, how highteth she say you?

Mean.
Mrs Joane Potluck, Vintner Potluck's widow.

Mo.
Joane Potluck Spinster. Lore me o thing mere
Alouten, what time gan she brendle thus?

Mean.
On Thursday morning last.

Mo.
Y' blessed Thursday,
Ycliped so from Thor the Saxons God.
Ah benedicite I might soothly sayne,
Mine mouth hath itched all this livelong day
All night me met eke, that I was at Kirke;
My heart gan quapp full oft. Dan Cupido
Sure sent thylke sweven to mine head.

Mean.
You shall
Know more if you'l walk in.

Exit Meanwel,
Mo.
Wend you beforne;
Cembeth thy self, and pyketh now thy self;
Sleeketh thy self; make cheere much Digne good Robert:
I do arret thou shalt acquainted bin
With Nymphs and Fawny, and Hamadryades;
And yeke the sisterne nine Pierides
That were transmued into Birds, nemp'd Pyes,
Metamorphoseos wat well what I mean.
I is as Jollie now as fish in Seine.

Exeunt.

Scen. III.

Hearsay, Caster, Shape.
Hear.
Can I lie hid no where securely from
The throng, and presse of men? must every place
Become a Theater, where I seek shelter?
And solitudes become markets, 'cause I'm there?
Good Sir, I know your tricks: you would intrap;
This is your snare, not your request.

Sha.
Take heed,
He's nois'd about for a deep searching head:
Ile pawn my life 'tis a trick.

Hear.
Leave off these Ginnes,
You do not do it handsomly; you think
Y'have met with fooles I warrant.

Sha.
On my life
A spie, a meere informer.

Cast.
As I hope
For fortunes, my intentions are most faire.

Sha.
A Gamesters Oath: he hath some reservation.

Hear.
Yet did I think you true—

Cast.
By all that's good,
You do me wrong to think, that I'd wrong you.

Hear.
VVhen I lay Agent last in new Atlantis
I met with, what you now desire, a strange
New way of winning, but yet very sure.
Were not the danger great I'd—

Cast.
Do you think
I will betray my self, or you, whom I
Esteeme above my self? I have as yet
One hundred left; some part of which—

Sha.
Faith Sir,
These times require advice; if it should come
Unto the Councels eare once, he might be
Sent into other Kingdoms, to win up
Monies for the relief o'th' State, and so
Be as it were an honest kind of Exile.

Cast.
If I do e'r discover may I want
Monie to pay my Ordinary, may I
At my last stake (when there is nothing else
To lose the game) throw Ames Ace thrice together.
Ile give you forty pound in hand—

Hear.
I may
Shew you the vertue of 't, though not the thing;
I love my Country very well. Your high
And low men are but trifles: your poyz'd Dye
That's ballasted with Quicksilver or Gold
Is grosse to this—

Sha.
Profer him more I say.

Cast.
Here's fifty—

Hear.
For the bristle Dye it is
Not worth that hand that guides it; toies fit only
For Clerks to win poore Costermongers ware with.

Sha.
You do not come on well.

Cast.
Here's threescore—

Hear.
Then
Your hollowed thumb join'd with your wriggled box,
The slur, and such like are not to be talk'd of;
They're open to the eye. For Cards you may
Without the help of any secret word,
Or a false hand, without the cut or shuffle,
Or the packt trick, have what you will your self;
There's none to contradict you.

Cast.
If you please
But to instruct me here is fourescore pound.

Hear.
Do y't think 'tis money I esteeme? I can
Command each Terme, by Art as much as will
Furnish a Navy. Had you but five pound
Left you in all the world, I'd undertake
Within one fortnight you should see five thousand.
Not that I covet any of your drosse,
But that the power of this Art may be
More demonstrably evident, leave in
My hands all but some smaller sum to set,
Something to stake at first.

Sha.
Hee'l tell you all
If you but seem to trust him.

Cast.
Here I'l lay
Down in your hands all but this little portion,
VVhich I reserve for a Foundation.

Hear.
Being y'are confident of me, and I
Presume your lips are sealed up to silence,
Take that, which I did never yet discover;
So help you Fortune, me Philosophie.
(I must entreat your absence Mr Shape.)
Exit Shape.
I do presume you know the strength and pow'r
That lies in Phancie.

Cast.
Strange things are done by it.

Hear.
It works upon that which is not as yet.
The little Æthiop Infant had not been
Black in his Cradle, had he not been first
Black in the Mothers strong Imagination.
'Tis thought the hairie Child that's shewn about
Came by the Mothers thinking on the Picture
Of Saint Iohn Baptist in his Camels Coat.
See we not Beasts conceive, as they do fansie
The present colours plac'd before their Eyes?
VVe owe pyed Colts unto the varied horsecloth;
And the white Partridge to the neighbouring snow.
Fancie can save or kill; it hath clos' up
VVounds when the Balsam could not, and without
The aid of salves; to think hath been a cure.
For VVitchcraft then, thats's all done by the force
Of meer Imagination. That which can
Alter the course of Nature, I presume
You'l grant shall bear more rule in petty hazzards.

Cast.
It must, it must, good Sir I pray go on.

Hea.
Now the strong'st fancies still are found to dwel
In the most simple; they being easiest won
To the most firm beliefe, who understand not
VVho 'tis they do believe. If they think 'twill
Be so, it will be so; they do command,
And check the course of Fortune; they may stop
Thunder, and make it stand, as if arrested,
In its mid journey: If that such a one
Shall think you'l win, you must win; 'tis a due
That nature paies those men in recompence
Of her deficiency, that what e'r they think
Shall come to passe. But now the hardest will be
To find out one that's capable of thinking.

Cast.
I know you can produce an Instrument
To work this your design by. Let me owe you
The whole and entire courtesie.

Hear.
I've one
Committed to my custody but lately,
The powerfull'st that way, I e'r found yet;
He will but think he shall b' abus'd in such
A Company, and he's abus'd; he will
Imagine only that he shall be cheated,
And he is cheated: All still comes to passe.
He's but one pin above a Natural: But—

Cast.
Wee'l purchase him; I'l take up for't; old Simon
Shall have my Farme outright now: what's a peece
Of durty Earth to me? a clod? a turf?

Hear.
Because I see your freer nature's such,
As doth deserve supplies, I'l do my best
To win him o'r a while into your service.

Cast.
If I should strive to pay you thanks, I should
But undervalue this great courtesie.
Sir, give me leave to think & worship. Stay;
First will I beggar all the Gentlemen
That do keep Termes; then build with what I win.
Next I'l undo all gaming Citizens,
And purchase upon that: the Foreman shall
Want of his wonted opportunities,
Old Thomas shall keep home I warrant him.
I will ascend to the Groom Porters next.
Flie higher Games, and make my mincing Knights
Walk musing in their knotty Freeze abroad;
For they shall have no home. There shall not be
That pleasure that I'l baulk: I'l run o'r Nature;
And when I've ransack'd her, I'l weary Art;
My means I'm sure will reach it. Let me see
'Twill yearly be—By Heav'n I know not what—

Hear.
Ne'r think to sum it, 'tis impossible;
You shall ne'r know what Angels, Peeces, Pounds,
These names of want and beggary mean; your tongue
Shall utter nought but millions: you shall measure,
Not count your moneys; your revenews shall
Be proud and insolent, and unruly;
They shall encrease above your conquer'd spendings
In spight of their excesse; your care shall be
Only to tame your riches, and to make them
Grow sober, and obedient to your use.

Cast.
I'l send some forty thousand unto Pauls;
Build a Cathedral next in Banbury;
Give Organs to each Parish in the Kingdom;
And so root out the unmusicall Elect.
I'l pay all Souldiers whom their Captaines won't;
Raise a new Hospitall for those maim'd People
That have been hurt in gaming; Then build up
All Colleges, that Ruine hath demolish'd,
Or, interruption left unperfect.

Hear.
'Twil
Never be done I think, unless you do it.
Provide the wealthiest Gamesters, there's but one
Thing that can do us wrong, Discovery.
You have no enemie, but frailty.

Cast.
Night
And silence are loud names, compar'd with me.

Hear.
I see the tide of Fortune rowling in
Without resistance. Go, be close, and happy.

Exeunt.

Scen. IV.

Andrew, Meanwell.
And.
Vpon my Conscience now he cheated me;
I could have never lost it else so strangely.

Mean.
What is a paltry cloak to a man of worth?
It barr'd men only o'th' sight of your body:
Your handsomnesse will now appear the better.

And.
He was as like our Mr Shape, as could be;
But that he had a patch upon his Cheek,
And a black beard, I should have sworn 'twere he:
It was some body in his cloaths I'm sure.

Mean.
Some cunning Cheater upon my life won
His cloak and suit too.

And.
There it is for certain.
Pies take him, doth he play for cloaks still? Surely
He hath a Fly only to win good cloaths.

[Enter Sha.
Sha.
The Pox and Plague take all ill fortune! this
The second time that he hath cheated me:
My very best suit that I had!

And.
How now?
What lost your cloak, and suit? A jest I vow;
I vow a pretty jest: 'odsnigs I guess'd so;
I saw him have it on; it made him look as like you,
As like you—'Tis a Rogue, a meer Decoy.

Sha.
A Rogue, a meer Decoy? and yet like me?

And.
Nay hold, I mean he is a Rogue, when that
He hath his own cloaths on. D'y' think that I
Would call him so, when he is in your suit?

Sha.
No more of that good Andrew, as you love me
Keep in your wit.

And.
Speak Tutor, do I use
To quarrell? speak good Tutor.

Mean.
That wit Andrew
Of yours will be th'undoing of you, if
You use't no better.

And.
Faith I thought I might
Have broke a witty jest upon him, being
I've lost my cloak.

Mean.
True, but he has lost his too:
And then you know that is not lawfull wit.

[Enter Hear.
Hear.
Here's Mr Credulous, and old Sir Thomas,
They have some businesse with you.

Mean.
Bring 'em in.

Sha
My businesse lies not here Sirs, fare you well.

[Ex.
A.
For Gods sake don't you tell old Sim on't now.

[Sh.

Scen. V.

To them, Sir Thomas Bitefig, Credulous.
Mea.
God save you good Sir Thomas.

Sr Tho.
Save you Sir.

Mean.
You'r welcome Mr Credulous.

Cred.
Come hither;
Whither do you steal now? what? where's your cloak?

And.
Going to foiles ev'n now, I put it off.

Mea.
To tell you truth he hath lost it at Doublets.

Cred.
With what a lie you'd flap me in the mouth?
Thou hast the readiest invention
To put off any thing—thou hadst it from
Thy mother I'l be sworn; 'tnere came from me.

Mean.
Peace as you love your self; if that the Knight
Should once perceive that he were given to gaming,
'Twould make him break the match off presently.

Cred.
Sr Thomas here's my Son; he may be yours,
If you please to accept him.

And.
Father don't
Give me away for this: try me once more.

Sr Tho.
I like his person well enough, if that
You'l make him an Estate convenient.

Mean.
He hath more in him Sir than he can shew;
He hath one fault, he's something covetous.

Sr Tho.
Mary a very commendable fault.

Cred.
He is descended of no great high bloud:
He hath a House, although he came of none.
His Grandfather was a good Livery man,
Paid scot and lot, old Timothy Credulous
My Father, though I say it that should not.

Sr Tho.
I don't regard this thing, that you call bloud:
'Tis a meer name, a sound.

Mean.
Your Worship speaks
Just like your self; me thinks he's noble,
That's truely rich: men may talk much of Lines,
Of Arms, of Bloud, of Race, of Pedigree,
Houses, Descents, and Families; they are
But empty noise God knows, the idle breath
Of that puff nothing Honour; Formall words,
Fit for the tongues of men that ne'r knew yet
What Stem, what Gentry, nay, what vertue lies
In great Revenues.

Sr Tho.
Well and pithy said,
You may work on my Daughter, and prevaile,
For that yong stripling: 'Tis a foolish wench,
An unexperienc'd Girle, she'd like to have been
Caught by Sir Robert Littleworths Son, if that
I had not banish'd him my house: a youth
Honest enough I think, but that he's poor;
Born to more Name than Fortune.

Cred.
He is safe
For ever wooing. I have laid his Father
Out of harm's way; there's picking meat for him:
And God knows where he's gon; he hath not been
Seen this long while; he's sure turn'd vagabond;
No sight of him since th' Arrest of his Father.
Andrew addresse your self too good Sir Thomas.

And.
'Slid Father you're the strangest man—I won't.

Cre.
As God shall mend me thou'rt the proudest thing—
Thou canst not complement, but in Caparisons.

And.
What's that to you? I'd fain say something yet;
But that I can't my losses do so vex me.

Cred.
Come think not on't my Boy, I'l furnish thee.

And.
Sir, though—

Cred.
Nay, to't I say; help him Sir, help him.

And.
Sir, though without my cloak at this time—
To morrow I shall have one—give me leave
Barely to say—I am your servant Sir—
In hose and doublet.

Cred.
I'l do what you told me.

Hear.
Take heed: if that you do't hee'l guesse you'r giv'n
To idle spendings, and so crosse the match.
I will invite him as to my self.

Cred.
Do so.

Hear.
Sir Thomas, if you'l please so far to grace us,
As be a guest to morrow here, we shall
Study hereafter to deserve the favour.

Sr Tho.
Although I do not use to eat at Ord'naries,
Yet to accept your courtesie, good friends,
I'l break my wonted custome.

Hear.
You shall have it
With a free heart.

Sr Tho.
If I thought otherwise,
I do assure you, I'd not venture hither.

Exeunt.