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The Ordinary

A Comedy
  
  
  
  

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Scen. 3.

To him, Meanewell, Andrew.
And.
God save you Tutors both.

Mean.
Fie Andrew, fie;
What kisse your hand? you smell, not complement.

Hear.
Besides, you come too near when you salute.
Your breath may be discover'd; and you give

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Advantage unto him you thus accoast
To shake you by the hand, which often doth
Endanger the whole arme. Your Gallant's like
The Chrystall glasse, brittle; rude handling crackes him.
To be saluted so were to be wounded.
His parts would fall asunder like unto
Spilt Quicksilver; an Eare, an Eye, a Nose
Would drop like Summer fruit from shaken Trees.

Mean.
For the same reason I'd not have you dance.
Some Courtiers, I confesse, doe use it; but
They are the sounder soft, those foolish ones
That have a care of health, which you shall not
If you'l be rul'd by me. The hazard's great,
'Tis an adventure, an exploit, a piece
Of service for a Gentleman to caper.

Hear.
A Gallant's like a Leg of Mutton, boyl'd
By a Spanish Cooke; take him but by the one End
And shake him, all the flesh fals from the bones,
And leaves them bare immediately.

And.
I would
Not be a leg of Mutton here.

Hear.
I saw
In France a Monsieur, only in the Cutting
Of one crosse Caper, Rise a man and come
Downe, to th' amazement of the standers by,
A true extemporary Skeleton;
And was strait read on.

And.
Sure this man,
Good Tutor, was quite rotten.

Mean.
See how you
Betray your breeding now! quite rotten! 'tis
Rottennesse perhaps in Footmen, or in Yeomen,
'Tis tendernesse in Gentlemen; They are
A little over-boyl'd, or so.

Hear.
He is

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A Churle, a Hind, that's wholesome; some raw thing
That ne're was at London: One in whom
The Clown is too predominant. Refin'd
People feele Naples in their bodies; and
An Ach i'th'bones at Sixteen, passeth now
For high descent; it argues a great birth.
Low blouds are never worthy such infection.

An.
Ay, but my Father bid me I should live honest,
And say my Prayers, that he did.

Hear.
If that
You cannot sleep at any time, we do
Allow you to begin your Prayers, that so
A slumber may seize on you.

Mean.
But as for
Your living honost, 'twere to take away
A trade i'th' Common-wealth; the Surgeons
Benefit would go down: you may go on
In foolish chastity, eate only Sallads,
Walk an unskilfull thing, and be to learn
Something the first night of your wife; but that's
To marry out of fashion.

An.
Here's no Proofes,
No Doctrines, nor no Uses. Tutor I
Would fain learn some Religion.

Hear.
Religion?
Yes to become a Martyr, and be pictur'd
With a long Labell out o' your mouth, like those
In Foxes Book; just like a Jugler drawing
Ribband out of his throat.

An.
I must be gone.

Mean.
Obedience is the first step unto science;
Stay and be wise.

An.
Indeed I dare not stay
The Glyster works you sent to purge gross humors.

[Ex.
Mean.
Being you will not take your Lecture out

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Good morrow to y' good Andrew. This soft foole
Must swim in's Fathers wealth. It is a curse
That Fortune justly makes the City's lot,
The young Fool spends what e're the old Knave got.

Ex. Mean.