University of Virginia Library

MR. AND MRS. RAILTON.

A COMIC CONJUGAL DUET,

Mr. R.
Why, Molly! Mrs. Railton! Where the devil are you all?
Pray are you deaf or dead, that thus you let me call and bawl?
I've broke the bell! One might as well, live in a desert, or a common,
And spend one's life without a wife, as live with such a shocking woman!
Zounds! I can't bear it! If there's not a reformation,
I'll the house turn out of doors, or 'faith I'll leave the nation!

Mrs. R.
Well, Mr. Railton, here I am! What's all this noise about?
Do you think I've wings, that I can fly the moment you call out?
I'm quite a slave—I'm sure the grave were better than to lead this life, sir!
Such calling, tearing, bawling, swearing—I curse the hour I was a wife, sir!
All you can wish for, is brought you, without asking for it,
Yet, all my thanks is, abuse, neglect and worrit!

Mr. R.
'Tis false! I use you. Ma'am, too well—but we'll this moment part!
I wish in church, I'd in the lurch left you, with all my heart.
The roast and boil'd are always spoil'd—I never get a decent dinner—
The poultry's old—the greens are cold—Yes, but you don't grow any thinner.

Mr. R.
Zounds—But I won't swear. You'd better let your tongue lay idle!

Mrs. R.
Sir, you're a great bear! You'd best your temper bridle!

Mrs. R.
In spite of all your slander I most cause have for complaint.

Mr. R.
You've not!

Mrs. R.
I have!

Mr. R.
'Tis false!

Mrs. R.
'Tis true!

Mr. R.
It is!

Mrs. R.
No, sir, it ain't!

Mr. R.
Have you forgot—I hope you've not—in church you promis'd to obey, Ma'am?

Mrs. R.
Obey! Absurd! I skipp'd the word—

Mr. R.
You'll find you won't get off that way, Ma'am!
No, to a summons, from Doctors' Commons, you'll knock under.
I'll enforce, Ma'am—a divorce, ma'am—

Mrs. R.
Indeed! I shouldn't wonder!

Mrs. R.
You wicked man, is this your plan? Abusing 'stead of soothing?
You rake at nights, you slight my rights, get tipsy, and do nothing!
There's Brown and Moore, and half a score, you think your Friends—that never come, sir,
But 'tis to feast at your expense, and drink you out of house and home, sir!
But Mr. R., sir—once for all I give you warning,
I'll no longer sit up—till three, sir, in the morning!

Mr. R.
And haven't you your cronies, too—which one that's blind can see.
Must come for something else than merely for a dish of tea!
There's Mrs. Bowles, blows up the coals, and Mrs. Jones, who deals in scandal—
And Mrs. Knagg, whose curs'd red rag, still serves the Devil for a handle—
And as to drinking, ma'am, please just give me leave to hint, ma'am,
Some folks don't dislike, in sly, a drop of peppermint, ma'am!

Mrs. R.
A letter came the other day—ungrateful man, you know it—
From one no better than she should be, for you dared not show it!
But I'll find out what 'twas about, and tear her eyes out to distress you.

Mr. R.
Will you be quiet? Zounds, this riot! Curse me, but I've a mind to dress you!

Mrs. R.
Hum! what, you'd strike me?

Mr. R.
If I thrash'd you, I assure ye,
‘Sarve you right!’ would quickly be the verdict of the Jury!

Mr. R
Then if you come to letters, Ma'am—you have your peccadilloes—
And if I romp it with the girls, you flirt it with the fellows!
And from your winks to Mr. Jinke, last Sunday, I am very certain,
That something wrong might chance, ere long to happen, ma'am, behind the curtain.
But I'll act timely. I'll send you, madam to your mother!

Mrs. R.
Then, sir, you'll have to talk with Captain Biggs, my brother!

Mrs R.
You cruel brute! you see my tears—you play upon my love—
I'll have a separate maintenance, and where I like I'll rove.

Mr. R.
Hum! Tears? Don't cry. Perhaps, Ma'am, I said something more than I intended
I did but jest, so let it rest—you know least said is soonest mended?

Mrs. R.
Jest?

Mr. R.
Yes!

Mrs. R.
Oh, Mr. R.!

Mr. R.
Oh, Mrs. R.! Enchantress!

Mrs. R.
Rover!

Mr. R.
My life!

Mrs. R.
My love!

Mr. R.
My duck!

Mrs. R.
My dove!

Mr. R.
One kiss—

[He kisses her.]
Both.
There—now all's over!