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141
Correspondence.
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[A quarrel between two gallant captains, originating in a charge of evading the subscription due to the Junior United Service Club, and terminating, after a long correspondence, in an appeal to Sir Richard Birnie at Bow Street, gave rise to the following pleasantry, which appeared July, 1830.]
No. 1.
Captain Hogshead's best compliments—begs Captain SquirtWill just drop him a line, and be pleased to insert,
At what hour to-morrow or next day 'twill suit him,
To let his young friend, Captain Pills, come and shoot him?
No. 2. REPLY.
Captain Squirt, Captain Hogshead's kind note has read o'er;He doesn't think proper to say any more.
No. 3.
Sir,—Your note's such a queer one, I really don't knowIf you mean to encounter my friend Pills or no,
S. Hogshead.
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No. 4.
If I don't hear by ten, I conclude it ‘No Go.’S. H.
No. 5.
Sir,—Captain Mouth has just brought me your verbal despatch,I shall tell Captain Pills you won't come to the scratch,
Although in the dark you've been joining to flout him,
And all sorts of tarry-diddles telling about him.
S. H.
No. 6.
Sir,—It having been settled this day in committee,That your friend, Captain Pills, has behav'd himself pretty;
Captain Squirt now no longer to shoot him refuses,
Wherever he likes and whenever he chooses.
No. 7.
Sir,—I beg leave to put what I told you in writing,I must say I think it's all nonsense this fighting;
Suppose they shake hands—think no longer of slaughter,
But finish—I'll join—with hot brandy and water!
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No. 8.
Sir,—Either beg pardon at once for your malice,Or—zounds! sir—come over and fight me at Calais!
No. 9.
Sir,—My friend Captain Squirt, who's as bold as a lion,Says as how he conceives Captain Pills is a ‘shy un.’
A voyage in a steam-boat he don't choose to hazard,
He has waited three days for a slap at his mazzard;
So his character now he will hinge upon that,
He will fight in England, and d—n me that's flat!
No. 10.
Sir,—You know we agreed when you gave me a call,That France was the best place for powder and ball,
And if you've chang'd your mind—why, I hav'n't—that's all.
No. 11.
Sir,—You know you told lies, and said everything bad,And you ought to be 'sham'd of yourself—so you had!
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And won't let me fight, why my courage you doubt,
Come over, I tell you, or soon you'll have got
What you won't like at all-but I shan't tell you what.
No. 12. Calais.
Sir,—I meant to have lick'd you, and bought a new whip,But the beak bound me over; I've giv'n 'em the slip,
And here I'm now staying your carcase to drub,
If you don't come, by Jove, I shall write to the club.
No. 13.
Sir,—It's devilish provoking your keeping one so,Captain Squirt should have come and been shot long ago;
I beg we no longer attendance may dance,
It's deuced expensive this stopping in France.
No. 14.
Sir,—Captain Squirt I can never adviseTo fight anywhere else but at Battersea Rise;
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To take any more notice of any ‘sich’ man,
Who would not fight
When he very well might,
But for full thirteen days kept clean out of sight.
If you write any more I shall very much thank
You to pay the post, or to put it in a frank.
No. 15.
Sir,—As to writing, 'tis grown such a bore,That I don't mean to trouble you never no more;
But since Captain Pills is my crony, I feel
That to call him “a man” is not very genteel.
No. 16.
Sir,—I don't mean to quarrel, indeed never do,But I hope I'm at least as genteel, sir, as you.
No. 17.
Dear Squirt,—As to Pills, whom I know well enough,I thought his palaver in Down Street all stuff,
But what 'twas about it is so long ago
I've forgot, but I think 'bout his brother poor Joe;
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No. 18.
I don't recollect, I can't tell, I don't know.H. Downeycove.
No. 19. DECLARATION.
We think and agreeThat far better 'twould be
For the parties to stand on the beach near the sea.
Brave Pills close to Calais, Bold Squirt down at Dover,
With the Channel between 'em, then let 'em shoot over.
So witness our hands, and our seals, well and truly;
S. H.—R. H. M.—London.—10th day of July.
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