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Du Bartas

His Divine Weekes And Workes with A Compleate Collectio[n] of all the other most delight-full Workes: Translated and written by yt famous Philomusus: Iosvah Sylvester

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TOBACCO BATTERED.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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1129

TOBACCO BATTERED.

What-ever God created, first was good,
And good for Man, while Man vprightly stood:
But, falling Angels causing Man to fall,
His foule Contagion con-corrupted All
His fellow-Creatures, for his Sin accurst,
And for his sake transformed from their First;
Till God and Man, Mans Leprie to re-cure,
By Death kill'd Death, re-making All things pure:
But, To the pure; not to the still-Prophane,
Who (Spider-like) turn Blessings into Bane;
Vsurping (right-less, thank-less, need-less) heer,
In wanton, wilfull, wastefull, lustfull Cheer,
Earths plentious Crop, which God hath only given
Vnto his Owne (Heires both of Earth and Heaven)
Who only (rightly) may with Praise and Prayer,
Enioy th'increase of Earth, of Sea, and Ayre,
Fowle, Fish, and Flesh, Gems, Metalls, Cattell, Plants;
And namely (That which now no Ingle wants)
Indian TOBACCO, when due cause requires;
Not the dry Dropsie of Phantastick Squires.
None therefore deem that I am now to learn
(How ever dim I many things discern)
Reason and Season, to distinguish fit
Th'Vse of a thing, from the Abuse of it;
Drinking, from drunking, Saccharum cum Sacco;
And taking of, from taking all TOBACCO.
Yet out of high Disdain and Indignation,
Of that stern Tyrant's strangest Vsurpation,
Once, demi-Captive to his puffing Pride
(As millions are, too-wilfull foolifi'd)
Needs must I band against the need-less Vse
Of Don TOBCCO, and his foule Abuse:
Which (though in Inde it be an Herbe indeed).
In Europe, is no better then a Weed;
Which, to their Idols, Pagans sacrifize,
And Christians (heer) doe wel-nigh Idolize:

1130

Which taking, Heathens to the Divels bow
Their Bodies; Christians, even their Soules do vow.
Yet th'Heathen have, with th'Ill, som Good withall;
Sith, Their con-native, 'tis con-naturall.
But, see the nature of abounding Sin,
Which more abounding Punishment doth win
For knowing Servants wilfull Arrogance,
Then silly Strangers savage Ignorance.
For, what to Them is Meat and Med'cinable,
Is turn'd to Vs a Plague intollerable.
Two smoakie Engines, in this later Age
(Satans short Circuit; the more sharp his rage.)
Have been invented by too-wanted Wit,
Or rather, vented from th'Infernall Pit,
Gvns and Tobacco-Pipes, with Fire and Smoak,
(At least) a Third part of Mankind to choak:
(Which, happely,

9. 17.

th'Apocalyps fore-told)

Yet of the Two, We may (think I) be bold,
In som respects, to think the Last, the Worst,
(How-ever Both in their Effects accurst.)
For, Guns shoot from-ward, only at their Foen;
Tobacco-Pipes, homeward, into their Owne
(When, for the Touch-hole, firing the wrong end,
Into our Selves the Poysons force we send:
Those, in the Field, in brave and hostile manner;
These, Cowardly, vnder a Covert Banner:
Those, with Defiance, in a Threatfull Terror;
These, with Affiance, in a Wilfull Error:
Those (though loud-roaring, goaring-deep) quick-ridding;
These, stilly stealing, longer Languors breeding:
Those, full of pain (perhaps) and fell despight:
These, with false Pleasure, and a seem-delight.
(As Cars with Mice, Spiders with Flies) full rise
Pipe-playing dallying, and deluding Life.
Who would not wonder, in these Sunny-Dayes
(So bright illightned with the Gospel's Rayes)
Whence so-much Smoak, and deadly Vapors come,
To dim and damne so much of Christendome?
But, we must ponder too, These Dayes are Those
Wherein the Divell was to be let lose;
And Yawning broad Gate of that black Abyss
To be set ope, whose Bottom bound-less is;
That Satan, destin'd, evermore to dwell
In Smoakie Fornace of that darksom Cell,
In Smoak and darkness migh inure and train
His Owne deer Minions, while they heer remain;
As roaguing Gypsies, tanne their little Elves,
To make them tann'd and ougly, like them Selves.

1131

Then, in Despite, who-ever dare say Nay,
Tobacconists, keep-on your Course: You may,
If you continue in your Smoaky Vre,
The better far Hell's sulphury Smoak endure;
And heerin (as in All your other Evill)
Growe neerer still and liker to the Divell:
Save that the Divell (if hee could revoke)
Would flee from filthy and vnhealthy Smoak;
Wherein (cast out of Heav'n for hellish pride)
Vnwilling Hee, and Forced, doth abide:
Which, heerin worse than Hee (the worst of Ill)
You long-for, lust-for, ly-for, dy-for, still:
For, as the Salamander lives in Fire,
You live in Smoak, and without Smoak expire.
Should it bee question'd (as right well it may)
Whether Discouery of AMERICA,
That New-found World, have yeelded to our Ould
More Hurt or Good: Till fuller Answer should
Decide the Doubt, and quite determine it,
Thus for the present might wee answer fit:
That, Thereby Wee have (rightly vnderstood)
Both given and taken greater Hurt then Good:
And that on both sides, both for Christians
It had been better, and for Indians,
That onely Good men to their Coast had com,
Or that the Evill had still staid at home.
For, what our People have brought Thence to vs,
Is like the Head-peece of a Polypus,
Wherein is (quoted by sage Plutarch's Quill)
A Pest'lence great good, and great Pest'lence ill.
We had from Them, first, to augment our Stocks,
Two grand Diseases, Scurvy and The Pocks:
Then, Two great Cordials (for a Counterpeiz)
Gold and TOBACCO; both which, many waies,
Have don more Mischief then the former Twain;
And All together brought more Losse then Gain.
But, true it is, wee had this Trash of Theirs,
Onely in Barter for our broken Wares.
Ours, for the most part, carried out but Sin;
And, for the most part, brought but Vengeance, in:
Their Fraight was Sloth, Lust, Avarice and Drink,
(A Burthen able, with the Waight, to sink
The hugest Carrak; yea, those hallowed Twelve,
Spain's great Apostles, even to over-whelve)
They carried Sloth, and brought home Scurvy Skin:
They carried Lust, and brought home Pocks within:
They carried Avarice, and Gold they got:
They carried Bacchus, and TOBACCO brought.

1132

Alas, poor indians! that, but English, None
Could put them down in their owne Trade alone!
That None, but English (more Alas! more strange!)
Could justifie their pitifull Exchange!
Of All the Plants that Tellus bosom yields,
In Groves, Glades, Gardens, Marshes, Mountains, Fields,
None so pernicious to Man's Life is knowne;
As is Tobacco, saving Hemp alone.
Betwixt which Two there seems great Sympathy
To ruinate poor Adam's Progeny:
For, in them Both, a strangling vertue note,
And Both of them doo work vpon the Throte;
The one, within it; and without, the other;
And th'one prepareth Work vnto the tother.
For, There doo meet (I mean at Gail and Gallowes)
More of these beastly, base Tobacco-Fellowes,
Then else to any profane Haunt doo vse
(Excepting still The Play-house and The Stewes)
Sith 'tis their common Lot (so double-choaked)
Iust bacon-like, to bee hangd vp and smoaked:
A Destiny, as proper to befall
To morall Swine, as to Swine naturall.
If there bee any Herb, in any place,
Most opposite to God's good Herb of grace,
'Tis doubt-less This: and this doth plainly prove-it;
That, for the most, most grace-less men doo love-it,
Or rather, doat most on this wither'd Weed,
Them Selves as wither'd in all gracious Deed.
'Tis strange to see (and vnto mee, a Wonder)
When the prodigious strange Abuse wee ponder
Of this vnruly, rusty Vegetal;
From modern Symmists Iesu-Critical,
(Carping at Vs, and casting in our Dish,
Not Crimes, but Crums: as eating Flesh for Fish:)
W'hear, in This Case, no Conscience-Cases holier.]
But, like to like; The Divell with the Collier.
For a Tobacconist (I dare aver)
Is, first of all, a rank Idolater,
As any of th'Ignatian Hierarchy:
Next, as conformed to Their Foppery,
Of burning Day-light, and Good-night, at Noon,
Setting-vp Candles to enlight the Sun:
And last, the Kingdom of Nevv-Babylon
Stands in a Dark and Smoaky Region;
So full of such varietie of Smoaks,
That there-with-all all Piety it choaks.
For, There is, first, the Smoak of Ignorance,
The Smoak of Error, Smoak of Arrogance,

1133

The Smoak of Merit super-er'gatory,
The Smoak of Pardons, Smoak of Pvrgatory,
The Smoak of Censing, Smoak of Thurifying:
Of Images, of Satan's Fury-flying,
The Smoak of Stewes (for, Smoaking thence they com,
As horrid hot as torrid Sodom, som):
Then, Smoak of Povvder-Treason, Pistols, Knives,
To blowe-vp Kingdoms, and blowe-out Kings Lives;
And lastly, too, Tobacco's Smoaky-Mists,
Which (coming from iberian Baalists)
No small addition of Adustion fit
Bring to the Smoak of the Vnbottom'd Pit,
Yerst opened, first (as openeth Saint Iohn)
By their ABADDON and APOLLYON.
But sith They are contented to admire
What They dislike not, if they not desire
(For, with good reason may wee ghess, that They
Who swallow Camels, swallow Gnatlings may);
'Tis ground enough for vs, in this Dispute,
Their Vanities, thus obvious, to refute
(Their Vanities, Mysterious Mists of Rome,
Which have so long be-smoaked CHRISTENDOM).
And for the rest, it shall suffize to say,
Tobacconing is but a Smoaky Play.
Strong Arguments against so weak a thing
Were need-less, or vnsuitable, to bring.
In this behalf there needs no more bee done,
Sith of it Self the same will vanish soon:
T'evaporate This Smoak, it is enough
But with a Breath the same aside to puff.
Now, My First Puff shall but repell th'ill Savour
Of Place and Persons (of debauscht behaviour)
Where 'tis most frequent: Second, shew you will,
How little Good it doth: Third, how great Ill.
'Tis vented most in Taverns, Tippling-cots,
To Ruffians, Roarers, Tipsie-Tosty-Pots;
Whose Custom is, between the Pipe and Pot,
(Th'one Cold and Moist, the other Dry and Hot)
To skirmish so (like Sword-and-Dagger-fight)
That 'tis not easie to determine right,
Which of their Weapons hath the Conquest got
Over their Wits; the Pipe, or else the Pot.
Yet 'tis apparant, and by proof express,
Both stab and wound the Brain with Drunkenness:
For, even the Derivation of the Name
Seems to allude and to include the same:
Tobacco, as Το Βαχω, one would say;
To (Cup-god) Bacchus dedicated ay.

1134

And, for Conclusion of this Point, observe
The Places which to these Abuses serve,
How-ever, of them Selves, noisom enough,
Are much more loathsom with the stench and Stuff
Extracted from their limbeckt Lips and Nose.
So that, the Houses, common Haunts of Those,
Are liker Hell then Heav'n: for, Hell hath Smoak,
Impenitent Tobacconists to choak,
Though never dead: There shall they have their Fill:
In Heav'n is none, but Light and Glory still.
Next: Multitudes them daily, hourly, drown
In this black Sea of Smoak, tost vp and down
In this vast Ocean, of such Latitude,
That Europe onely cannot all include,
But out it rushes, over-runs the Whole,
And reaches, well-ny round, from Pole to Pole;
Among the Moors, Turks, Tartars, Persians,
And other Ethnicks (full of Ignorance
Of God and Good:) and, if wee shall look home
To view (and rew) the State of Christendom;
Vpon This Point, wee may This Riddle bring;
The Subiect hath more Subiects than the King:
For, Don TOBACCO hath an ampler Raign
Than Don Philippo, the Great King of Spain
(In whose Dominions, for the most, it growes).
Nay, shall I say (O Horror to suppose!)
Heathnish Tobacco (almost euery where)
In Christendom (Christ's outward Kingdom heer)
Hath more Disciples than Christ hath (I fear)
More Suit, more Service (Bodies, Soules, and Good)
Than Christ, that bought vs with his precious Blood.
O Great TOBACCO! Greater than Great Can,
Great Turk, Great Tartar, or Great Tamberlan!
With Vulturs wings Thou hast (and swifter yet
Than an Hungarian Ague, English Sweat)
Through all Degrees, flowne far, nigh, vp and down;
From Court to Cart; from Count to Country Clown,
Not scorning Scullions, Cobblers, Colliers,
Iakes-farmers, Fiddlers, Ostlers, Oysterers,
Rogues, Gypses, Plaiers, Pandars, Punks, and All
What common Scums in common-Sewers fall.
For, all, as Vassals, at Thy Beck are bent,
And breathe by Thee, as their new Element.
Which well may prove Thy Monarchy the Greater;
Yet prove not Thee to bee a whit the Better;
But rather Worse: for, Hell's wide-open Road
Is easiest found, and by the Most still troad.

1135

Which, even the Heathen had the Light to knowe
By Arguments, as many times they showe.
Heer may wee also gather (for a need)
Whether Tobacco bee an Herb or Weed:
And whether the excersive Vse bee fit,
Or good or bad; by those that favour it,
Weeds, wilde and wicked, mostly entertain it:
Herbs, holesom Herbs, and holy mindes disdain it.
If then Tobacconing bee good: How is't,
That leudest, loosest, basest, foolishest,
The most vnthrifty; most intemperate,
Most vitious, most debauscht, most desperate,
Pursue it most: The Wisest and the Best
Abhor ir, shun it, flee it, as the Pest,
Or pearcing Poison of a Dragons Whisk,
Or deadly Ey-shot of a Basilisk?
If Wisdom baulk it, must it not bee Folly?
If Vertue hate it, is it not vnholy?
If Men of Worth, and Mindes right generous,
Discard it, scorn it; is't not scandalous?
And (to conclude) is it not, to the Divell
Most pleasing; pleasing so (most) the most Evill?
My second Puff, is Proof How little Good
This Smoak hath done (that ever hear I cou'd).
For, first, ther's none that takes Tobacco most,
Most vsually, most earnestly, can boast
That the excessive and continuall vse
Of This dry Suck-at ever did produce
Him any Good, Civill, or Naturall,
Or Morall Good, or Artificiall:
Vnless perhaps they will alledge, It drawes-
Away the Ill which still it Self doth cause.
Which Course (mee thinks) I cannot liken better,
Then to an Vsurer's Kindnes to his Debter;
Who, vnder shew of lending, still subtracts
The Debters Owne, and then His owne exacts;
Till at the last hee vtterly confound-him,
Or leave him Worse and Weaker then he found-him.
Next, if the Custom of TOBACCONING
Yeeld th'Vsers any Good in any thing;
Either they have it, or they hope it prest
(By proof and practice, taking still the best):
For, none but Fools will them to Ought beslave,
Whence Benefit they neither hope nor have.
Therefore, yet farther (as a Questionist)
I must enquire of my Tobacconist,
Why, if a Christian (as som somtimes seem)
Beleeving God, waiting all Good from Him,

1136

And vnto Him all Good again referring;
Why (to eschew th'Vngodly's Grace-less erring)
Why pray they not? Why praise they not His Name
For hoped Good, and Good had by this Same?
As all men doo, or ought to doo, for All
The Gifts and Goods that from his Goodness fall.
Is't not, because they neither hope nor have,
Good (hence) to thank God for, nor farther crave:
But, as they had it from the Heathen first;
So, Heathnishly they vse it still, accurst:
And (as som jest of Oisters) This is more
Vngodly Meat, both After and Before.
Lastly, if all Delights of all Mankinde
Bee Vanity, Vexation of the Minde;
All vnder Sun: Must not TOBACCO bee,
Of Vanities, the vainest Vanity?
If Salomon, the wisest earthly Prince
That ever was before, or hath bin since;
Knowing All Plants, and them perusing All,
From Cedar to the Hyssop on the Wall;
In none of all professeth, that hee found
A firm Content, or Consolation sound:
Can Wee suppose, that any Shallowling
Can finde much Good in oft-Tobacconing?
My Third and last Puff points at the Great Evill
This noisom Vapor works (through wily divell).
If wee may judge; if Knowledge may bee had
By their Effects, how things bee good or bad;
Doubtless, th'Effects of This pernicious Weed
Bee mary bad, scarce any good, indeed:
Nor dooth a Man scarce any Good contain,
But of This Evill justly may complain;
As thereby, made in every Part the Worse,
In Body, Soule, in Credit, and in Purse.
For, first of all, it falls on his Good-name,
And so be-smears and so be-smoaks the same,
That never after scarce discerned is't.
Rare good Report of a Tobacconist:
Where, if to take it, were a vertuous thing,
'Twould to the Taker's Commendation bring;
And somwhat grace them (though they else were bad)
Or hide, a little, the Defects they had:
But, from their Credit rather it abates,
And their Disgraces rather aggravates:
And how-much better that they were before,
It stinks the worse, and stains their Name the more.
For, if a Swearer, or a Swaggerer,
A Drunkeard, Dicer, or Adulterer,

1137

Prove a Tobacconist, it is not much:
'Tis sutable, 'tis well-beseeming Such
(No less than flaring, garish, whorish Tire,
Which now-adaies most Mad-dames most desire:
Owle-faç't Chaprones, Cheeks painted, Izland Tresse,
Bum Bosse-about, with broad deep-naked Brests;
Borrowd and brought from loose Venetians,
Becoms Pickt-hatch, and Shoreditch Courtizans).
Not that Tobacconing is not amisse:
But that the bright Noon of their better Vice,
Spred far and wide, doth darken and put down
TOBACCO-taking, and its Twilight drown.
But, let it bee of any truly said,
Hee's great, religious, learned, wise, or staid;
But, hee is lately turn'd Tobacconist:
O! what a Blur! what an Abatement is't!
'Tis like a handfull from Augaus Stable,
Cast in the Face of Beauties fairest Table.
Whence it appears, This too-too to frequent,
It is not good; no, not indifferent.
It best becomes a Stage, or else a Stewes,
Or Dicing-house, where All Disorders vse.
It ill beseems a Church, Colledge, or Court,
Or any Place of any civill sort:
It fits Blasphemers, Ruffians, Atheists,
Damn'd Libertines, to bee Tobacconists:
Not Magistrates, not Ministers, not Schollers
(Who are, or should bee, Sins severe Comptrollers)
Nor any wise and sober personage,
Of Gravity, of Honesty, of Age.
It were the fittest Furniture (that may)
For Divell, in a Picture or a Play,
To represent him with a fiery Face,
His Mouth and Nostrils puffing Smoak apace,
With staring Eyes, and in his griezly Gripe
An over-grown, great, long TOBACCO-Pipe.
Which sure (mee thinks) the most Tobacconist
Must needs approve, and even applaud the Iest;
But much more Christians hence observe, how evill
It them becoms, that so becoms the Divell.
And therefore, think This Weed, a Drug for Iews
More fit by far [who did so foule abuse
(Base rheumy Rascals) with their Spawlings base,
Our loving Saviovr's lovely-reverend Face,
Whom (wilfull-blinde, stiff-necked, stupesi'd)
They spet on, scorned, scourged, Crucifi'd]
Than for vs Christians, who his Name adore,
Whom by His Death Hee doth to Life restore.

1138

If, notwithstanding All that hath been said,
Tobacconists will still hold on their Trade,
And by their practice still hold vp their Name,
Though Iews, though Divells, better suit the same;
I'll say no more but onely This, of This:
Henceforth, let none whose meaner Lot it is
To live in Smoak; Lime-burners, Alchymists,
Brick makers, Brewers, Colliers, Kitchenists;
Let Salamanders, Swallows, Bacon-stitches,
Red-Sprats, red-Herings, and like Chimny-wretches,
Think no Disparagement, nor hold them base:
Tobacconists their Company will grace,
And teach them make a Vertue of Necessity,
Turning their Smoak into a grace-fool-Assity.
Next the Good-Name, now let the Body showe
What Wrongs to it from out Tobacco flowe:
For, as That is Man's baser Part indeed,
It is most basely handled by This Weed.
And First (as was significantly said
Before our Soveraign, by an Oxford Head)
TOBACCO, Smoak into the Parlour puts,
And basest Office in the best Room shuts,
While to the Head it doth exhale and hoist
The Bodies filthy and superfluous Moist;
Causing a moist Brain, by vnceast Supply
Of Rheums still drawn to th'Bodies Stillary:
Which in experience, and in Reason, make
Men most vnapt deep thing to vndertake.
For, for the most part, shallow are the Wits,
Conceipts and Counsels, of Tobacconists.
Sith Wisdom dwells in Dry: Her proper Seat
Is a dry Brain, embatteld well with Heat.
Also, it fries and dries away the Blood
(As did that Persian the Euphratean Flood,
To conquer Babylon) by whose incrassion,
The Vitall Spirits in an vnwonted fashion,
Are bay'd, and barred of their Passage due
Through all the veins, their vigour to renue:
So that the Humours (as all out of frame)
Tending to putrefie and to inflame,
Fire the whole House; from whence there follows ever
A dangerous, if not a deadly, Fever.
Lastly, this boiling, broiling, of the Blood,
Breeds much adusted, Melancholy-Mood
(Satan's fit Saddle, from their sullen Cell,
To ride, in poste, his wretched Slaves to Hell,
With Two keen Spurres (too-quick in their Effect)
Th'one of Excess, the other of Defect;

1139

A violent Passion, pushing Reason back,
Or fell Despaire when Conscience is awake.)
For, as of all insensibles, hath none
More Melancholie and Adustion,
Then Chimmes have: What kinde of Chimny is't
Less Sensible then a Tobacconist?
And in receiving Smoake, sith th'are so equall;
Can their adustion then be much vnequall?
Thus then the Habit of Tobacconing,
Makes one more Chimny-like then any thing.
Som also think it causeth exsiccation
(As of the Blood, of Seed of generation;
By th'accrimony stirring more to cover,
Then fruitfully producing Issue of-it:
Whence, we may learn to marvell so much less,
That (for the most) our Gentles, that profess
Tobacconisme, love Lemman-Sauce so well;
Or that such Legions of the Base pel-mel,
Vnder the Standard of TOBACCO, vse
To Turn-bull first, then to Our Bartholmewes.
And where there have been many great Inquests
To finde the Cause Why Bodies still grow less,
And daily neerer to the Pigmies Size;
This among many Probabilities,
May pass for one: that their Progenitours
Did gladly foment their Interiours
With holesom Food, vnmixed, moderate,
And timely Liquors duely temperate:
But, now-adayes, Their Issue inly choake
And dry them vp (like Herrings) with This Smoake:
For, Herrings, in the Sea, are large and full,
But shrink in bloating and together pull:
Whence, in effect, Smoak vnto Smoak referring,
Tabacconists are not vnlike Red Herring.
Vndoubtedly beyond all Moderation
It dries the Bodie, robs of irrigation
The thirsty parts; so that the bowels cry
For Moist and Cold, to temper Hot and Dry
Whence, th'Elementall Qualities of Theirs,
In faction, fall together by the Eares.
For, in the Hearb excess of Dry and Hot,
Drawes-in excess of Cold-Moist from the Pot;
For which they troup to th'Ale-house shortly after,
As rats-ban'd Rats do hie them to the Water.
And yet, their liquid Cooler cures them not,
No more then Water doth the baned Rat:
For th'Heat and Drought of th'Hearb American
Being intensiue (fitter call'd Man-Bane)

1140

The one dries-vp the Humour Radicall,
The other drowns the Calor Naturall.
But the most certain and apparant Ill
Is an Ill Habit which doth hant them still;
Transforming Nature from her native Mould:
For, Custom we another Nature hold.
And This vile Custom is so violent,
And holds his Customers at such a Bent,
That though thereby more Hurt than Good they doubt;
To die for it, they cannot live without.
Which doubtless, is a miserable State:
For, Men are surely the more Fortunate,
Of fewer Creatures that they stand in need:
More, but more Bondage, and less freedom breed.
A House, that must have many Props and Stayes,
Is neerer Fall, and faster it decayes:
Variety and surfait feed the Spittle,
And fill the Grave. Nature's content with little.
Why then should Man, living and rationall,
Beslave himselfe to a dead Vegetall?
Why, demi-heavenly, and most free by Birth,
Should he be bound vnto this Childe of Earth?
Why, Lord of Creatures, should He serve: at least,
Why such a Creature, baser then a beast?
Oft had I seen Fooles of all sorts frequent it,
Fooles of all Size Fooles of all Sexes hant it,
Fooles of all Colours, Fooles of all Complexions,
Fooles of all Fashions, Fooles of all Affections,
Fooles naturall, Fooles artificiall,
Fooles rich and poor, young Fooles, old Fooles, and all;
Whom, Foole I pitied, for their wilfull Folly;
Supposing, None discreetly Wise (or Holy)
Could be entangled with so fond a thing,
As is the habit of Tobacconing.
For, what Discretion, or what Wisedom can,
Think Physick Food, or Med'cine Meat, for Man?
I rather thought Vlysses rather would
Have stopt his Eeares, Eyes, Hands, and Mouth with-hold
From such a Cyrcean Drug, whose working strange,
Would soon his best into a Beast exchange.
But wen I saw som Wise-ones snared-in
This Spanish Cobweb (Satans speciall Gin)
And that so fast, they cannot when they would
Get out againe; or will not if they could:
Wisdom, me thought, must varie much; or else
This Ware is spiced with som Forrain Spels,
So to bewitch the Wise (need-less, and nilling)
To take and love; and not to leave it, willing.

1141

For, those that say and sweare they euen abhorre it,
Cannot abandon, but Thus bandie for it:
Tis good (say They) Tis speciall good for Rheumes;
Exhales gross Humors, their Excesse consumes;
And voids, with-all, all inconuenience
There-on depending, or descending, Thence.
Which should I grant, it must be yet with Clauses
Of needfull Caution, suitable to Causes;
When time requireth Preparation fit
To rarifie congealed Rags of it;
Which by the Heat and Drynesse, probably,
This Plant performes, in mediocritie:
Or else, where the aboundant Quantity,
Dangerous Effect, malignant Quality,
Of ouer-moistures, aske Euacuation,
To free the Parts from totall Inundation.
How-be-it, many safer Meanes there are.
Better and fitter in themselues by farre;
More certaine, more direct; with lesse adoo,
Lesse Cost, lesse Damage, and lesse Danger too
Than Don TOBACCO's damnable Infection,
Slutting the Body, slauing the Affection.
Twere therefore better somewhat else to seek,
Then rest in this, so worthie of Dis-like;
Sith, curing Thus one small Infirmity,
It doth create a greater Malady,
When there-by freed (perhaps) from Rheumes, we fall
In Bondage of this Custome capitall.
For, they that Physicke to a Custome bring,
Bring their Disease too, to accustoming.
Perpetuall Physicke must of force imply
Perpetuall Sicknesse; or deep Foolerie
Compos'd of Anticke and of Phrantick too:
For, where's no Sickness, what should Med'cine doo?
Thus for the Bodie: Now, the Soule diuine
VVith This wilde Goose-Grasse of the Perusine
Hath Foure great Quarels, in foure-fold respect
Of her Foure Faculties; the Intellect,
The Memory, the Will, the Conscience;
All which are wronged, if not wounded, Thence.
First, in the Intellect, it d'outs the Light,
Darkens the House, th'vnderstandings Sight;
Through neuer ceast succession of Humiditie,
The Dam of dulnesse, Mother of Stupiditie;
Making Mans generous Brain (best, dry and hot)
Lie drown'd, and driueling like a Changeling Sot.
Why then should Man, to put out Reason's Eye,
Suffer his Soule in Smoakie Lodge to lye?

1142

For, though some others, and my Selfe by proofe
(When scornefully I tooke it but in Snuffe;
Haue thereby sometimes found some benefit;
Superfluous Humors from the Brain to quit,
To cleer the Voyce and cheere the Phantasie,
Which, for the present, it did seem supply:
Yet doth the Custome (as we likewise finde)
Dis-nerue the Bodie, and dis-apt the Minde.
Next; It decayes and mars the Memorie,
And brings it to strange Imbecillitie,
By still attraction of continuall Moist,
Which from the lower parts it wonts to hoist:
For, though best Memory dwel in a Brain.
Moist-moderate; Yet ouer-moist, againe
Makes it so laxe, so diffluent and thin,
That nothing can be firmely fixt there-in;
But instantly it slides and slips-away,
As weary heeles on wet and slippery Clay.
For Proofe whereof: None more forgetfull is
Of God and Good, than are Tobacconists.
Touching th'Affections, they are tir'd no lesse
By This fell Tyrants insolent Excesse:
For, the Adustion of th'inherent Heat,
Drought, Acrimonie (Tartar-like) doth fret;
Makes men more sodain and more heed-less heady,
More sullen-sowr, more stubbornely vnsteady,
More apt to wrath to wrangle, and to braule;
To giue and take a Great Offence, for Small;
Cause-less Reioycing, and as cause-less Sory,
Exceeding-Mournefull, and excessiue-Merry:
Whence growes, in fine, excessiue Griefe and Fear;
For Dumpier none than the Tobacconer:
None sadder than the gladdest of their Host;
None hating more than hee that loued most;
None fearing more, none danted more than such
As, in a Passion, rather dar'd too-much.
For, Relatiues inseparable dwell:
And Contraries their Contraries expell.
And (with th'old Poet) Tis the Cox-combs Course,
Flying a Fault, to fall into a VVorse.
But if they say, that sometimes, taking it,
The Minde is fre'ed from some instant Fit
Of Anger, Griefe, or Feare; Experience tells
It is but like some of our Tooth-ake Spells,
Which for the present seem to ease the Pain,
But after, double it with more Rage again;
Because a little, for the time, it drawes,
But leaues behinde the very Root and Cause.

1143

Lastly, the Conscience (as it is the best)
This Indian Weed doth most of all molest;
Loading it daily with such Weight of Sin,
Whereof the least shall at the last com-in
To strict Account: the Losse of precious hours,
Neglect of God, of Good, of Vs, of Ours:
Our ill Example, prodigall Excess,
Vain Words, vain Oaths, Dice, Daring, Drunkenness,
Sloath, jesting, scoffing, turning Night to Day,
And Day to Night; Disorder, Disaray;
Places of Scorn and publick Scandall hanting;
Persons of base and beastly Life frequenting;
Theeves, Vnthrifts, Russians, Robbers, Roarers, Drabbers,
Bibbers, Blasphemers, Shifters, Sharkers, Stabbers:
This is the Rendez-vous, These are the Lists,
Where doo encounter most Tobacconists:
Wherein they walk, like a blinde Mill-horse, round
In the same Circle, on the self same ground;
Forgetting how, Daies, Months, and Yeers, doo passe;
No more regarding, than an Ox or Asse,
How Age growes on, how Death attendeth them,
God knowes how neer (Whom on each side behem
A late Repentance, or a flat Despair)
And after That, a noisom stinking Air
Of their infamous rotten Memory
With Men on Earth; in Heav'n with God on hie
A Fearfull Doom; and finally in Hell,
Infinity of Fiery Torments fell.
The Last and Least of all TOBACCO-harms
Is to the Purse: which yet it so becharms,
That Iuggler-like it jests-out all the Pelf,
And makes a Man a Pick-purse to himself.
For, as by This, th'Iberian Argonauts
May bee suppos'd (even emong serious Thoughts)
T'have kill'd more Men than by their Martyrdom,
Or Massacre (which yet to Millions com)
So, by the Same they have vndon more Men,
Than Vsury (which takes from Hundred, Ten)
And no-where more than in This witched Isle:
Wo to their Frauds, Wo to vs Fools, the-while.
How-many Gentles, not of Meanest Sort
(Whose Fathers liv'd in honourable Port,
For Table, Stable, and Attendance fit;
Loving their Country, and belov'd of it).
Leaving their Neighbours, flee from their Approach;
And, for the most, keep House in a Caroach
(Hell's new-found Cradles! where are rockt asleep
Mischiefs that make our Common-weal to weep.)

1144

Or in som Play-house, or som Ordinary,
Or in som Piece of som Vn-Sanctuary;
Where, through their Pipe-puft Nose more Smoak they wave,
Than all the Chimnies their great Houses have;
Consuming more, in their Obscure Obscænity,
On Smoak and Smock, with their appendent Vanity,
Than their brave Elders did, when they maintain'd
Honour at home, and forrain Glory gain'd.
How doo they rack, and wrack, and grate, and grinde,
Shuffle and cut, wrangle, and turn, and winde,
Borrow and beg (vnder a Courtly Cloak)
And all too-little for This liquorish Smoak!
Alas the while! that men Thus needs will bee
Begger'd, vndon (of no Necessity)
In Body, Minde, and Means; vnapt, vnable
For any Good, through this so needless Bable.
For, What a Folly, through the Nose to puff
Th'whole Bodie's Portion in this idle stuff!
Or, what need any with TOBACCO, more
Now meddle, than his Ancestors before?
Who knew it not, but had, without it, Health,
Liv'd long and lusty, in abundant Wealth.
Or, what is any, when hee all hath spent,
The better for This dear Experiment?
Which now-adaies a number daily finde
Like Alchymie (though in another Kinde)
To circulate, and calcinate (at length)
Insensibly (Tobacco hath such strength)
Manours, Demains, Goods, Cattell, Elm and Oak,
Gold, Silver, All; to Ashes and to Smoak,
While all, too-busie blowing at the Coal,
Deject their Body, and neglect their Soule.
For, O! What place is left to Christianity,
'Mongst such a Crew (nay, almost to Humanity)
Where Oaths, Puf-snuffing, Spauling-Excrement,
Are reall Parts of Gentles Complement?
And, for our Vulgar, by whose bold Abuse
Tobacconing hath got so generall Vse;
How mightily have They since multipli'd
Taverns, Tap-houses! where, on every side,
Most sinfully hath Mault been sunken heer
In nappy Ale, and double-double-Beer;
Invincible in a Threefold Excess;
Strong Drink, strong Drinking, and strange Drunkenness:
Which on the Land hath brought, so visibly,
So great a Mischief, so past Remedy,
That Thousands daily into Beggery sink
Through Idlenesse; in wilfull Debt for Drink.

1145

Nor can the Lawe's seuerest Curb keep-in
This coltish, common, priuiledged Sin.
Then (shallow Reptile, superficiall Gnat)
Why doe I humme? why doe I hisse there-at?
Bvt, awfull Iustice will with keener Edge
Clip short (I hope) this sawcie Priuiledge;
And at one Blowe cut-off this Ouer-Drinking,
And euer Dropsie of TOBACCO-stinking:
When Our Alcides (thoug at Peace with Men,
At Warre vvith Vices) as His armed Pen
[Among the Labovrs of his Royall hand,
Where Piety and Prudence (ioyntly) stand
Eternall Pillers to His glorious Name;
Vnto all Times to testifie the same,
BRITANN's right Beau-Clerk, both for Word and Writ:
The Miracle, The Oracle of Wit:
For Knowledge, Iudgement, Method, Memory:
Diuine and Morall ENCYCLOPAEDIE ]
Hath, as with Arrowes, from His sacred Sides,
All-ready chaç't These stinking Stymphalides;
Shall, with the Trident of some sharp Edict,
Seuere enacted, executed strict,
Clense all the Staules of This Augæan Dung,
Which hath so long corrupted Old and Young:
Or, at the least, impose so deep a Taxe
On All these Ball, Lease, Cane and Pudding Packs;
On Seller, or on Buyer, or on Both,
That from Henceforth the Commons shal be loath
(Vnwilling-Wise) with that graue Greeke, to buy
Smoak and Repentance at a Price so hie.
If, notwithstanding, Yet some Wealthy, will
Needs poyson, and vndoo them with it, still;
It shall be onely some of Those profane
Loose Prodigals (their Countries Blot and Bane)
Best to be spar'd, least to be mist; whose Lands
(If anie left) will come to Wiser hands
Than such weak Ninnies, needing Wardship yet;
Not for their want of Age, but want of VVit.
Aviaius Cassius (as Lampridius showes)
Did first inuent, and first of all impose
That vncouth Manner of tormenting Folk;
On a high Beame to smoother them with Smoak:
Where had TOBACCO bin then known, he need
But haue enioyn'd them to haue tane that Weed.
But, with more Reason and more Equitie,
Seuerus Cæsar when he did discry
The double-dealing of Vetronius
[A Cousening Courtier (Such are none with Vs.)

1146

A Iack-of-both-sides, with both hands to play
(As now-adayes some Lawyers doo, they say)
Faining great Fauour with his Soueraign,
To take great Bribes of Many, to obtaine
Great Suits; for whom his Prince he neuer mou'd]
Aloud complain'd of, and apparant prou'd;
Caus'd his false Minion with this Doom to choak,
Let the Smoak-seller suffocate with Smoak:
Which, our Smoak-Merchants would no lesse befit;
TOBACCO-Mungers, Bringers-in of it:
Which yeerly costs (they say, by Audit found)
Of better Wares an hundred Thousand pound.
And, if the Sentence of this Heathen Prince,
On That Impostor, for his Impudence,
Were iust: How iuster will the Heau'nly God,
Th'Eternal, punish with infernall Rod,
In Hell's darke Fornace (with black Fumes, to choak)
Those, that on Earth will still offend in Smoak?
Offend their Friends, with a Most vn-Respect:
Offend their Wiues and Children, with Neglect:
Offend the Eyes, with foule and loathsom Spawlings:
Offend the Nose, with filthy Fumes exhalings:
Offend the Eares, with lowd lewd Execrations:
Offend the Mouth, with ougly Excreations:
Offend the Sense, with stupefying Sense:
Offend the Weake, to follow their Offense:
Offend the Body, and offend the Minde:
Offend the Conscience in a fearefull kind:
Offend their Baptisme, and their Second Birth:
Offend the Maiestie of Heau'n and Earth.
Woe to the World because of Such Offenses;
So voluntaire, so voyd of all pretenses
Of all Excuse (saue Fashion, Custome, Will)
In so apparant, proued, granted, Ill.
Woe, woe to them by Whom Offences come;
So scandalous to All our Christendome.
FINIS.