The honest ghost :: :: University of Virginia Library

It is a frequent fashion in this Nation
To publish Books in Term time, not Vacation:
But I would have my Reader thus much learne,
That Westminsters vacation is my terme.
Now some will say, the Terme doth wondrous well
To vend such fly-blown works as will not sell;
But mine's none such, with confidence I tell it,
'Twill vend it self, it needs no Terme to sell it:
Health then and Wealth unto my Stationer,
And Heavens preserve him from a Censurer.
For Health and Wealth doe well, yet we doe see
These relish harshly without Libertie:
Where if he suffer for me there's small reason
But Stationer and Author have one Prison.
Yea, but will some say there were danger in't,
For so my Pate might plot and he might print:
But take my word, we'l doe the State no wrong,
But he as merry as the day is long.
For if the World a Prison be, then we
Who lodge ith' Fleet, are but as worldings be:
The onely diff'rence, as I take't, is this,
Their Prison's something larger then ours is.
Which though it be more spacious, yet our care
For th' World is lesse then wretched wormelins are;
Whose highest aime is shame, and deepest drift
Is how to starve their bodies by their thrift.
Come then my Stationer, and make thy station
In this same pettie corner of our Nation;
Where though we live by Worldings unregarded,
We shall be kept like Princes, double-warded.
Come then my Boy, it's many good mans fate
To make restraint their Tent, their glasse their grate.

To the ingenuous State-Censor.

My younger years compos'd these rurall Rymes
To taxe the errors of corrupter times:
When we a State-Monarchicall possest,
Which Government our Politicks held best.
Pandora's Box pour'd forth such plenteous store
Upon our Isle, she could enjoy no more.
We knew not then what Drum nor Trumpet meant,
No Garrison lodg'd in our Continent.
Arms and Alarms were strangers to our Coast,
No Civil-Warre, nor State-imbroiling Hoast
Disturb'd our calme repose: Phebean rayes
Of glorious Peace shone on our halcyon dayes.
Our Islander might sit and passe his time
Under his Fig-tree, or broad-spreading Vine,
And feare no Foe to reap what he had sown,
Or seize on that which Conquest made his own.
Kings reign'd secure: Scaffolds were reared then
For Sceanes of Pleasure, not for heading men.
Our peacefull Olives then their fatnesse show'd,
Our Wine and Oyle increas'd, our Cups o're-flow'd.
Each State knew then its proper residence,
The Lower gave their Lords preeminence.
Platonick parity was then as farre
From us, as now the Rules of Princes are.
High Powers on Ours had such an influence,
As ev'ry object satisfide the sence.
So as no forrain State observ'd our blesse
But envide and admir'd our happinesse:
And in that glowing Envy might conclude
“We wanted nought but civil gratitude.
For what did fullnesse of our bread bring in
But carnall liberty and height of Sin?

Vice rid on's Foot-cloth; Churches grew to be
Nurses to Sacriledge and Symonie.
More Tares then Wheat were sown in ev'ry field;
Our unprun'd Vines did only wilde grapes yeeld.
The Countrey-Cormorants begot rich heirs,
And made Sonnes Prodigalls by Fathers cares.
The City-Cheats made Fools of Countrey men,
And with their Tweaks they gratified them.
The Court a Mint of Congies and quaint words,
Of Silken-civet-comfit-curtain-Lords:
Who in their quest of favours took delight,
And gag't their Honour to decline a fight.
Imposts fed State-Imposters, Pattentees
Hackney'd the Publick with Monopolies.
These made MUSÆUS bustle in this sort
With Church-abuses, City, Countrey, Court.
These Poems then you may suppose of His
Reflect on former times, and not on this:
For had he meant that Task, Heed drawn all Shapes,
Like Protean Pictures, save Assembly Apes:
Whose forms are such, should He be catechis'd,
He knows not how those Monkeys are disguis'd.

Twenty four Harvests now are spent and gone
Since This receiv'd its first Conception;
So as you may suspect there's something in't
That kept this Work so many yeers from print.
Which had it been continu'd to these Times,
Had made an English Iliad for high Crimes:
High-swelling Crimes, which rightly understood,
Might Stage a Rubrick Story ach't in blood:
Where Presbyterian-Independent-Levell
Make work t' inlarge the Kingdom of the Devill.
But who stalks too neer Truths heels (under favour)
May have his teeth quite struck out for his labour.

To all, or none.

Living on earth, I silenced my wrong;
Now shut from earth, my griefs have found their tongue
Which to make good, behold my wronged Ghost
Having both friends and hope of freedom lost,
Re-visits earth, of purpose to reclaim
Such as doe live unto their Countries shame.
I aime at all, high and inferiour men,
Appearing now to these, and then to them;
Whose sight if it affright, know that it is
Their Guilt, and not my Ghost procureth this.
But see, some great men swell! Why, let them burst,
I sleight their fury, let them doe their worst:
On earth they did all that they could unto me,
Now I'me secure, they can no more undo me.

The honest Ghost,

OR A Voice from the Vault.

Thrice to the sin-sick world my Muse hath come,
And has been thought too bitter unto Some,
Who, for to shew how much they're discontent,
Have meant to keep mee tongue-ty'd by restraint.
But can this doe it? No, I'm same I was,
And though my earthen vessel cannot pass
Nor pierce these wals of stone where I'm restrain'd,
And for twelve mon'ths with patience remain'd,
I have a Ghost, as now it shall appeare,
Sojourns abroad, while I am caged here.
For what can these spruce Silk-worms do at me?
Shut mee from ayre of high-priz'd libertie:
And in this vast and irksom residence,
Remove mee from the object of each Sense?

For first my Eye no object views of State,
But such as to and fro pass by my grate:
And for my Eare, no object doth assail her,
But noyse of Keys, and clamor of a Jayler:
And for my Smel, because nought likes me well,
I catch a cold, whereby I may not smell:
And for my Taste, my palat doth decline
From relishing ought pleasant at this time:
And for my Touch, I feel nought but distress,
And more I smile, the more it doth oppress:
Yet for all this, I doe enjoy as much
In th'faculties of Eye, Eare, Smell, Taste, Touch
As he who glories most; and you shall heare
How I enjoy them too, if you'll forbeare.
I have a grate, where I do see men pass,
And this same grate I make my looking-glass,
And there I see, and I do laugh to see
(For only laughter now is granted mee)
An aged gray-beard, whose dimensions have
Trac'd half their Pilgrim journey to his grave,
Ambiciously aspiring, as if hee
Should never grapple with mortalitie.
He plots and projects, poor decrepit foole,
Lest his insatiat Messaline should scoule,
To gain such honor as his Lady choseth,
Which got, he dies, and by the bargain loseth.
Or else perchance, som high-priz'd Favorite
Presents his Suit and works him this despite,
And must forgoe his place by his esteeme,
Although he know not what the Office meane:

Neither concerns this Him, for know you what?
It is not place but profit he aims at;
What matters it how he discharge it then?
He is above the priviledg of men;
For his firm grounds are rear'd on stone, not sand,
And shrink he must, that dare him countermand:
Yet is it strange to see how he, whose place
Resigned is to one new-crept in grace,
Would gull himself, and bear the world in hand
He is advanc'd to place of more command,
Although I'm sure he could be well content
To keep his Place and be no President.
O how this tickles mee, to see a Swad,
Who ne'r so much as education had
To make him generous, advanc'd to state:
And like a Parachito 'gins to prate
More then he ever knew or ever read,
Yet must this grand-Sot be authorized,
And held so grave a Statist, as if he
Were th' only man on earth for policie!
Nor am I so restrain'd, but if I please
I may behold variety of these;
For, wearied with this counterfeit of State,
Unto another corner of my grate
I streight betake mee; where I may behold
A Bulke of honor, like that Asse of gold
Which bore the name of Isis, rear'd on high,
Yet when I view him with an inward eye,

I find nought in him but an outward shew,
Nor care I much if He so much did know;
For all the Honour which this man possesseth,
As somtimes, in his cups, himself confesseth,
Deriv'd their late begining (as 'tis said)
From meer extortion in Zacheus trade:
But, till he change his habit, I forbid
That he ere do as good Zacheus did.
Of whom, I think, it may be truly said,
That hee'll prove Banquerout in ev'ry trade;
For he hath shewn himself a malefactor
Both while he was a Statesman and Contractor.
But, besides him, some other Foists there be
Deserve a censure full as well as he:
But th' State is wise, and with an expert hand
Can squeeze these Sponges who do soke our Land.
Another personage I see approach,
And what he is, I guess by Arms on th'Coach;
A great-Man sure, and yet for ought I see
He cannot be of great antiquitie,
For th'Coate he beares, implies it is not long
Since he bore arms, or th'Herald did him wrong:
Who may He bee then? I durst pawn my life,
One that is honor'd meerly for his wife;
So as the only stay of his affiance
Supported is, by means of his alliance:
Great must hee needs bee then, he cannot chuse,
If Mushroms by his means be honour'd thus.
But see, good Malecontent, who's he goes there?
I'le call him to mee, Pray good Sir draw neere;

Hee Will not come, Hee doth not like a grate,
Though hee had self-same Prospect but of late,
Yet I'll display him to, and in a word
Uncase yon Pomander sweet-sented Lord.
Hee's such a Sage as hee'd be thought by man,
A grave, judicious, learn'd Justinian,
A Column of the State, and such an one
As all our Isle were worse if he were gone;
Yet heare me and i'le tell you what he is,
One who hath wrong'd the State by rearing his;
A subtle Censor, who his passion smothers
Till it burst out to th'ruining of others,
Wherein he shews his spirit most of all,
By base insulting o're a wretches fall;
A Neuter Lord, who walks as in a mist
And shews himself a cunning formalist,
A meer State-Rhetorician, whose desire,
Having now gorg'd himself, is to retire
From business of State, because he feares
That some ere long will have him by the eares
For courses indirect, which he would shun,
By living privatly un-look'd upon.
But lest this should not hit, he hath convey'd,
And, by his Art, a cleere conveyance made
Of all his Lands, for hee observes the time
Apt to take notice of a rich-man's crime;
Which to prevent, he thought to take this course,
That He who beg'd his state might fare the worse;
Yet I'm resolv'd, as widows teares and cryes,
Sent from their voice and from their dolefull eyes

Seldome returne without revenge from high,
Like feathers in the ayre his state will fly
From his deputed Heir, and so decline
From him and his unto another line.
Yet this I wish not, but would rather see
His Seed succeed in their posteritie,
That grand-oppression, that same crying sin,
May ne'r survive in his, but die in him;
So shall that name which he deserved here
Appear like ashes scatt'red here and there.

Now Eyes what see you? Is the grate so straite
As yee can see no object? Yes, deceite
In every corner doth encounter mee,
Men bee and seem not, seem what least they bee;
For be it Courtier that I eye, whose sense
Consists in Sent and Sycophants pretence,
I find no part in him of that esteeme
To prove him same he outwardly doth seeme;
For where He lives it is the only fashion
To gull the simple with a Protestation:
His life is formal wholy, and he owes
Far less to substance then he doth to showes.
Or be it Citizen, though he protest
The wares he shews you first are still the best,
Because he knows you're of so brave a mind,
The choice you make is best, that you can find;
Yet some evasion still he hath in store
To gull you now as he hath done before:
Wherfore believe him not although you grieve him,
For you deceive your self if you beleeve him.

Or be it Country-man, whose simple seeming
Would in opinion cleer him of misdeeming,
Yet in his cottage hath he learn'd this art,
To make his Tongue a stranger to his Heart;
So as all States this maxim learned have,
Hee cannot live that knows not to deceive.
Thus may you see, though I bee lodged here,
Where scarce one glimpse of Sun-light may appear,
That I have sundry objects to employ mee,
Which somtimes, I confess, so over-joy me,
As they in mee leave such impressions after,
That to my self I'm oft enforc'd to laughter.
Nor can your eyes dart half so far as mine
In the survey of this corrupted time,
For were the Curtains ne're so closely spread
Where Livia with her Drusus wantoned,
The Coach close shut, the eyes of men to dim,
Yet know thus much, she is so light within,
As shee no more her wantonness can cover,
Then if she only had heav'ns arch above her.

An easie Inquest of Inquiry may informe the ingenious Reader touching this discovery.

Now to my second-Sense, if you'll draw neere,
I will make known unto you what I heare,
I heare, and by no mean intelligence,
That Barbicon is troubled with the French,
And are made famulists, as some suppose,
Because they speak so strangely through the nose:
But I do heare more serious news than these,
And you shall hear them briefly, if you please.

I heare of One who hath been long pent up,
And, with his Ladie drunke of sorrows cup,
For som egregious crime at first committed,
With punishment injoyn'd them, as befitted,
Are to be freed now and quite released,
As if both blood and Whoordom were appeased
By som few yeers restraint! But I do know
Superior pow'rs will grieve it should be so;
For tell me, can that liberty be given
On earth, which never was allow'd by heav'n?
Shall Naboths blood cry for revenge and have it?
Shall Abels cry for vengeance and receive it?
Shall snarling Curs, as sacred stories tell,
Lick up the blood of wicked Jezebel,
To shew how ev'ry creature seems to smother
Their just revenge, whose hand's deep dipt in murther?
And shall These purchase freedom, or obtain
Such favor to review the light again?
Shall Barbarous Nations, where did nere appeare
That glorious light which shews her beauty here,
Enact such Laws, injoyn such punishment
On persons that are held incontinent?
Shall savage beasts, who measure their delight
By satisfying of their appetite,
Hate to partake in love with more than one,
And either live with that or live with none?
Shall ayrie birds so sort them to their make,
That they will sooner die then they will take
Themselves to others? Yea, shall every creature
Perform the proper office of their nature?

And shal man, fraight wth knowledg & with reason,
Act against God and Nature such high treason?
No, Heav'ns forbid; what once was said, say I,
Wee have a Law, they by the Law should dy.
Yet if compassion move you to assent
To give them all their life time to repent,
(As ten lives were too little for such crimes)
Send them not forth to these depraved times,
But guard them close, as Lepers kept have been
Causing them cry aloud, Wee are unclean.
But this report I scarcely can beleeve it,
I will addresse mee elsewhere then, and leave it.

I heare a noble spirit that's compos'd
Of all Heroick actions lies inclos'd
In straitest durance; thus much sure I am,
Howsoe're his cause be, hee 's a Noble-man,
And one who may redeeme the time is past,
And by his Prince as well as others grac't,
For nere did any one more hopes inherit,
Or by descent express more native spirit.
But I doe heare a Marriage like to bee,
Which hath procur'd this Lord his libertie;
What doe I heare? Marriage his freedom get
No, rather he by Marriage loseth it;
For how can married-men their freedom get,
When never any was his own man yet?
But if his ayms be such, all hap betide
This lively Martialist and lovely Bride
Shee, to retain his love at any rate,
Hee, to regain his love with Prince and State.

Nor do I feare, but when deserts are known,
Some shall mount high, who have been long kept down
For carpet-honour still the bayes must yeeld
To that which valour gains him in the field.
For tell me, tell me, you perfumed Squires,
Nere scorch'd with powder but licentious fires;
You, whose perfection doth consist in this,
To complement a wanton for a kiss,
And glorie more in such a bootie gain'd
Then if you had a richer prize obtain'd;
What could you doe, if you were to resort,
Leaving Loves charmes, to raze some stately Fort
Or grapple with som daring enemy
To fight or fall, no other remedy?
Sure, I perswade mee, you would little care
For Bracelets twisted with your Mistresse-haire;
You would forget your congies, your salutes,
Fingring and quav'ring on your sweet tun'd Lutes
And learn to tosse a Pike, and speak in thunder,
To make your unknown-valour seem a wonder:
But, I much feare me, this were hard to do,
When you should fight, you would begin to woo,
And sue for peace on any terms you could,
Than gain renown, as noble spirits should.

How happy were I, if I might but heare
All you sweet-sented-Gallants lodged there
In Albion's peacefull court, to bee prest over
And see each made a Souldier of a Lover!
What sad adieus would young don Phœbo take,
And kiss the ground for his Amicla's sake?
What heavy news were this to Cinna's eare,
To lose the presence of her spritely Clere?
What griefe would this bee to that new-wed-Lord,
Who on my conscience ne're unsheath'd his Sword?
When hee must leave his nuptial-sheets scarce warm
With his delicious Dinah, and goe arm
Those tender civet-corps, who never bore
Arms, but what Nature stor'd him with, before?
Zlid, I do think, should they receive command
To hoyse up Saile for Brabant out of hand,
The rumor of these news would be so bad,
As many of our younkers would run mad,
At least (like Ithacus) would feign them so
If so they might excused be to go.
For 'las! so long hath this same golden dream
Of Peace surviv'd, they know not what wars mean;
Restie their arms, their armour rustie too,
And if they durst fight, yet they know not how.

But be there no rare Corants thou hear'st more
Related neere thy grate? Yes, there be store,
Yet none so much perplex mee, as to heare
The fall of One who once the State did steere,
And was thought worthy to enjoy his place,
Till profuse followers brought him to disgrace.

Of whom, Some say, he so corrupt hath bin,
It were a sin to shed one teare for him;
Yet, in respect of merit, I lament
That hee who was of such accomplishment,
Yea a combiner (as hee seem'd to me)
Of humane-learning and Nobilitie,
Should shew himself so weake as to delight
More in preferring of his Favorite,
Than in discharge of th' office where He sate,
Or to support the ruines of his State;
For worser name nev'r any one did git
To reape so little benefit by it.
But there is somthing more than his disgrace
That moves mee to compassionate his case,
And it is this; to note how others bee
Tax'd for as high and heavy crimes as hee:
For his to such a number nev'r did mount,
Yet who dare call these State-moaths to account;
Hee must be censur'd, these may live secure,
Pill Church and State to keep their hands in ure,
Suck Orphans blood, drain tears from widows-eyes,
And fill both heav'n and earth with shriks & cries,
Joyn land to land, like priviledged men,
They wipe their mouths and say, Who seeeth them?
'Las none! Who dare do't? They may be allow'd
To do what ere they list, and in a Cloud
Walk as unseen, for very few there bee
That see their hatefull crimes, dare say they see.
Now, for my life, I cannot see the cause
Why this should be, unlesse they have the Laws

Under their girdle, meaning to draw blood
Not from themselves, but where they hold it good,
Which cannot be; So might I justly tax
The Law it self to bee a nose of wax:
Wherefore I cannot think this is the matter,
For God forbid that Laws should learn to flatter,
But I doe rather judge the case so stands,
They make their peace with great-ones under hand
Whose awfull count'nance is the only cause
To stay the execution of our Lawes.
If this be so! O yee who injure most
This peacefull State, heare my incensed Ghost,
Who like a Fury haunts you; cease for shame,
To lay upon your honours such a staine!
You should be like to Beacons on a hill
To give your Country notice of what ill
So ev'r assail's her, and by your wise care
Divert all dangers that might happen there.
You should be like to Pilots to direct
Our Ship of State, lest some should intercept
Our hopefull commerce, which (I heard last day
Ev'n through my grate) was faln to great decay,
So troubled were the Seas as none would venter
Their goods, because the Ports were hard to enter.
Yea, upon serious conf'rence I did heare
A rich french-Merchant on his Conscience sweare
That by one loss which hee of late sustain'd,
He lost more wealth then he three yeers had gain'd.

You should be like the Sun, to cleer the mist
Of each slie state-exacting Alchimist,

State-Politician, base Monopolist,
Church-peace-disturbing-factious Novelist:
To these, like Resoms, it is your behoof
To shew your selves, to sweep them from the roof
Of Albions speciall Palace; for this Crue
Are not to have least countenance from you:
You should be like bright Lamps, light to bestow
Both on your selves, and upon others too;
Upon your selves, that you may patterns seeme,
Adding unto your Honor an esteeme;
On others too, that they may take a view
Of what is good by taking note of you.
You should be Starrs in this same darkesome night
Where many walk in blindness, few in light;
That by the light which your examples give,
You may procure you love, teach them to live;
For many Batts we have and Night Owles too
Doe more by night, than they by day dare doe;
These are of Beliall, the sons of night,
For wicked men doe ever hate the light,
As those who are sworn vassals to the Devill,
“Hating the light because their works are evil.
And what are these, but of that forlorne tribe
Who will dispence with conscience for a bribe,
So't be in secret, sell the Orphans right,
Oppresse the succourless by th'arm of might,
Divide the Stake, and share in others State,
As an occasion I did hear of late.
“Three youths, all Brethren, when death had bereft then
“Of their deer Father, who good portions left then

“Amounting to nine hundred pound in all,
“Some legacies discharg'd, which were but small,
“Were by some friends, who wish'd their welfare, mov'd
“To take their Fathers Will, & get it prov'd.
“Along they went, and unto One they came,
“Who had authority to prove the same;
“One, who with long connivencie had made
“His place a Stale and mercenary Trade:
“The Will he reads, and somtimes questions them,
“To try if they were understanding men;
“Which had he found, without'en more adoe
“I am resolv'd He had not us'd them so:
“But he observing that they were but weake
“Thought not to slip th'occasion he might take
“To benefit himself, no matter how,
“And thus he gull'd, and satisfied them too.
“Young men (quoth he) I have survey'd your state,
“But I must tell you, 'tis so intricate,
“As I protest, I either have no skill,
“Or I ne're saw a more defective Will;
“But leave your names recorded by my man,
“Som sev'n-night hence I'll do you th'good I can.
“Thus as he wish'd, for that time he dispatcht them
“By means of wch delay, hark how he catcht them.
“The matter, as he thought, might first be driven
“By them to whom the Legacies were given,
“With whom he dealt so cunningly, as they
“Either for feare or profit gave him way;
“On which foundation he his project reares,
“Extracting treasures from the Orphans teares.

“For when the time came, they repair'd unto him
“Expecting th'good he promised to do them,
“But th'Copy of his countenance was chang'd,
“His meer-pretended promises estrang'd,
“As one remorsless of the state of men,
“For in this manner he accosted them:
“Since you were with mee, I perceive in Law
“This Will you brought is sarcely worth a straw,
“For it relation hath unto some other
“Which you out of your cunning seek to smother.
“But for as much as I doe hereby gather,
“There was affection born you by your father,
“Both in respect of nature and of blood,
“Whereby I think he meant to doe you good;
“I will perswade effectualy with these
“To whom your Fathers Will grants Legacies,
“And who, for ought that yet to mee appears,
“May claime as much as you that are his Heirs,
“First, that all suits and differences might cease,
“And you to have a hundred pound a peece.
“Which, simple soules (for little did they know
“Their own estate) they condescended to,
“Whereby he gain'd, as I have heard it said,
“Five hundred pounds, all Legacies defraid.
Now was not this a brave Probationer
To keep a Register for Lucifer?
Could one devise an apter instrument
Those sullied wares of Machivell to vent
Than this Impostor, this Egyptian Rat,
Whom I have seen both whoop'd & houted at.

And must he live uncensur'd, and remain,
As if his spotless life were free from stain?
Must hee enjoy his Place as he hath done,
And hug oppression as he hath begun?
Must he be cap'd and congi'd where you meet him,
When, on my conscience, I had rather beat him?
Must hee retain opinion and esteem.
Yes; What's the reason? He has to redeem
The name he lost; With what? With lads of gold;
Why then is reputation bought and sold.
Alas for griefe, that gold should find a cover
To case vice in, and so to gild it over!
O so to gild is, but to gull the eyes,
And force poore virtue lend her robe to vice!
Had hee by order been a Benedict,
And of such crying crimes as these convict,
He should have heard of nothing but confusion,
Till he had made a threefold restitution.
Had hee, who thus from Justice did decline,
Us'd such corruption in Severus time,
Were he the greatest man within his Court,
Selling his people smoke, had smoked for't;
Or borne the highest sway in Xerxes dayes,
And fed his Client-Subjects with delayes;
Hee had been sure, as in his life appeares,
To have his hatefull skin pul'd ore his eares:
Yet has this got a Pardon, and much more,
By an imposed fine beg'd long before;
For this same worldly wise oppressing Hammon,
Hath made him friends by his unrighteous Māmon,

Fore-seeing well he stood on such false ground
His naughty cause would force him to compound
Whence there appears great wrong, for it is sed
Such have his Fine as nere were injured.
The poore-ones suffer, and their wrongs express,
But all their cries can get them no redress:
Which if our Prince (so gracious is he) knew
Hee'd cause him make what restitution's due,
And feed none such in their unbounded riot,
Who with their surfeits doe the State disquiet.

But see, by talking of these corrupt Benches
I'de like to have forgot three of my Senses;
Nor were't a wonder, Some by being crost
In course of Justice all their Senses lost:
Well might I then forget my Senses too,
Having with unjust men so much to doe;
But I have heard more than I meane to tell,
My Eare is clos'd, now must I to my Smell.

When this Poem was first composed, this noble personage whom the Author intendeth, was not to Libertie restored, nor his Nuptialls as then solemnized. Now since decased, and withall martiall renoun interred in the bed of honour.

This Sense in mee doth such delight begit,
As Mines of Treasures shall not purchase it;
In every secret corner of my Grate,
I can Smell some abuses in the State.
Here one both great, and of as strong a savor,
By going brisk and neate creepes into favor;
Another holds concurrence with the time,
And hee will fall before he will not clime.
Here a brave spritely Youth, who, as they say,
Was but a Ladies page the other day,

And (such was femal bounty) liv'd upon her,
Refines my Smell with his perfumed honor.
There one who hath more worship farr then wit,
And more estate than pate to mannage it.
Here one, a lovely Lady in her time,
Paints to repaire those Lillies that decline,
Who old in yeeres, but youthfull in desire,
Cold in the pulse, but hot in fancies fire:
And her I Smell, for though her face be dyed
With purest colours, she is Mortified:
No Saint, yet earthly sented, for her breath
Proves she is mortall, and must cope with death.

But who coms here? I smel one neer approaching;
What Madam would doe, all the day long Coaching?
I know her well, shee doth a Husband want,
And's held the only choice Court-visitant
For feminine discourse, though now and then
She talks so broad, she'd shame a thousand men.
How far this Dame is out of knowledg growne
Some ten yeeres since shee came but to the town
With a french fidler and sung northern jigs,
And after sold false Tyres and Periwigs:
The very first inventresse of Goats haire,
Ceruse from Venice and adultrate ware;
Besides shee purchas'd of a Jew of late
A fucus for the face at such a rate,
As had Some Ladies nere desir'd to try it
And paid well for't, shee had been loser by it
Yet howsoere this Maquerella trade
She's tane in Court and City for a maid,

Though I suspect, for I have heard it said,
Shee stood in neede once of Lucina's ayd:
But shee is now grown great, what matter then,
If Lais-like shee cope with twenty men?
For there is none held now in all our Nation
So fit to give young Ladies education,
So gracefull in her carriage and discourse,
Though vertue say, shee never heard a worse;
For shee whom vertue guides, will never seeke
With shop-bought beauty to adorn the cheeke.

But 'zlid who's this smels in my nose so rank?
Pandora that same Lady Mountebank;
Who keeps a Catalogue of all diseases,
And choice receits, to cure them as shee pleases;
Besides Provocatives shee has such plenty,
Her well-frequented Shop is never empty.
If an affection to a wench should move you,
Shee has a powder too will cause her love you:
Are you by night time troubled with the Mare?
About your great toe shee will ty a haire:
Or subject unto dreaming? shee'll assure you
She has a soveraign oyle will throughly cure you:
Or pain'd with aches? shee has, in her pack,
A Balm that cur'd one tortur'd on the Rack:
Or hyde-bound? she has by her such a Stone
As it hath pow'r to raise the skin from bone:
Shee has a water, that in little space,
Will take away all wrinkles from the face,
Renue the blood, refresh a wasted brain,
And, like Medæas charme, bring youth again.

And if you would beleeve what she'll relate,
Shee'll tell you of a cure shee wrought of late,
Upon a great and noble person too,
Who struck in age, yet had a mind to woo
A fresh young girle; but he thought the sight
Of his white-haires would dash his motion quite:
Which to prevent, hee to this Artist came,
Who by receits as quickly cur'd the same;
Within four daies all his white-haires were reft him,
Which I beleeve, for not a hayre was left him.
Briefly, for all cures shee so far surpasses,
Galen and Paracelsus were but Asses
Compar'd to her, sith there be greater store
Of Maladies then have been heretofore;
When nationall diseases that did show
Their dire effects to some one place or two,
Are now grown universall; for since than,
French, Dutch, Italian, Neopolitan,
Have sought unto our Coast their Sores to carry;
Where they are grown in time hereditary.

But who is this I sent? A sack of dust
And mouldred ashes, yet as full of lust,
As if her stirring blood begun to melt
With thought of youth, and nere had winter felt.
Has she no Husband? me thinks she should stir him;
Shee has a Husband, but she cares not for him.
Those that are chaste affect no choice, but shee
Would surfeit, had shee not varietie:
So strong 's her appetite, that in her plenty,
She glories more then if shee were but twenty;

“Such sweetness brings sins custom, as once in,
“Delight in Sin, removes all sense of Sin.
More do I smell, for I am not invited,
But with my Smelling only am delighted;
A solemn bride-pie, which upon my life
Is for that fox-furd Burgomasters wife
Now gone to marry, and has hope to breed,
Yet has not one sound tooth in all her head:
So as this youth struts by his old Trots side;
For all the world like Battus with his Bride.
But stand; for see his Crest displaid in paste,
One who nere lov'd the church, to church doth haste
To spouse his youthfull Bride, whom, as 'tis said,
Hee in her Husbands life time formalled;
Whose corpse scarce cold, no nor the poorest worm
Entred his coffin, nor his shroud-sheet torn,
His Obits done or funeral-torch burn't out,
But shee's so hot, shee needs must go unto 't:
Where arm in arm and cheeke to cheeke they meete
Leaving her dead Lord to his winding-sheete.
Whence I conclude, as Sexton once did cry
With a loud voice to such as passed by,
“How short 's a womans grief, within three daies,
“Rosemary sprigs are turn'd to gilded Bayes!

Thus may you see when I no Flow'rs may take,
Of Weeds for need I can a posie make
And smell them too, although they give no Sent
To cheere my Sense or tender her content.
But men that are restrain'd of liberty
Must make a virtue of necessity,

For unto choicer Gardens those may goe,
And I'll not say but they may gather too
Far choicer Flowr's, who never were restrain'd
Then wee who are from common ayre detain'd.
Yet in this grate, although I be no Cat,
I can as quickly see and smell a Rat,
As hee who may have liberty to range
From Court to th' Burse, from Cheapside to th' Exchange:
For it's not Liberty that gives man sight,
Unlesse hee use that Liberty aright.
For Some will see more in the darkest Cave
Than other Some who greatest freedom have;
Yea I may sweare, since I was here confin'd,
How ere my eyes bee, I've a cleerer mind.

But hast thou nothing to delight thy Smell?
But such rank weeds as these that sent not well?
Hast thou no flowers, thy cloyed Sense to please,
But such unsavery Mugweed slips as these?
Yes, I have flowr's and odors too which give
Soul-solacing refreshment where I live:
But these are such as shall not be made known,
Lest by these weeds they should be overgrown,
Who from their loathed lives cast such a steem,
As with their venom they might poyson them,
Which to prevent, prevention must be us'd,
Another proper Subject I have chus'd
Now to discourse on, yet I will not waste
Much time in satisfying of my taste;
For that were sensuall, and would discover
I were no Pris'ner but some brain-sick Lover,

Who by his wanton mistresse task'd to more
Then he could do, his spirit to restore,
Feeds on all dainties, that he strong might grow
Both in himself and for his mistresse too.

How should I taste ought well, since I am place
Where I can relish nothing but distaste?
For here in this vast Cave where I doe live,
My very Consorts no contentment give:
Not the least beame of comfort shines upon me,
But like the Plague-sore all my friends do shun mee.
The language of rude officers beside,
Whose base condition sticks not to deride
My hard mishap, and twit mee to my face,
Saying, my wit brought mee to this disgrace.
When feeble nature craves some small repast,
Though I be hungrie, I had rather fast;
For my weake stomach cannot well digest
The meate I have so sluttishly addrest.
Which makes me muse and wonder much at these,
Who waste their state in superfluities,
Storing their luscious Epicureall boord
With forain cakes to feast some forain Lord;
Who will accept their love, as well hee may,
And, with a french shrug, laugh and go his way.
Now by my hopes, there's nought distasts me wors,
Then see a grand gull thus abuse his purse,
To gratifie a Mounseur and his trayne,
Whom hee perchance shall never see againe.

For this Vitellian Lord, that he may please
That great-mans palat with varieties
Of all delicious meats, by Land and Sea
Sends his Purveiors out, who stor'd must be
What e're provision cost them, 'tis no matter,
Their Lord will sell his Land to fish the water.
Yet it is brave to sport and spend the time
In luscious fare, choice consorts, and rich wine;
To take delight in meats that best do please,
Fill Poland Salmons full of ambergreece;
And like that Prince of prodigall expence,
To please his Humor rather then his Sense,
When far from Sea, would only feed on fish,
But neer the Sea, made flesh his only dish.
To revell unto midnight, and come home
A sleepie Sibarite, a heavie drone:
Next day addresse himselfe to some new taske,
As make a set speech to his mistresse maske;
Go see a Play, and when each Act doth end,
Rise from his Stoole to commune with his friend,
Of purpose to induce those that sit neer
To think it's State that they discourse of there;
When 'las, poor Stage-gulls, they'r so far from that,
As they ne're knew what such things aymed at:
Then to make choice where they will sup that night
And make their life a progresse of delight.
Next day invite some honorable guest,
A favorite, or follower at least,
To make the world take notice of him then,
That hee'll grow great by means of such great men.

Or at his own charge some Court-shew to frame,
And make the Ladies think it was his braine
That did contrive it, when, Some neer him know it,
His purse and not his pate did play the Poet.
Or in his entertainment of some State,
Make Gonduits run with Rhenish at his gate.
True; this is brave indeed and princely too,
Which Some may better far then others doe,
Who racket it abroad and keep a table
Free for all commers, when they are unable
To feed themselves; the Cock on hoop is set
Hoping to drink their Lordships out a debt.
I heard of late a Millener complaine
Of a great Lord that's prodigally vaine,
Who run upon his score within three quarters,
Five hundred pounds, for sho-ties, points & garters;
Yet runs he on and feeds him with delay,
And eyther cannot pay or will not pay.
Yet is his mind good, for he doth afford
A gracefull presence and a gratefull word
Where ere he stands engag'd, & it doth grieve him
To be so long in debt, if they'll believe him.
But th' Suite, thus he pretends, he last obtain'd
(And this's his grief) comes short of that he aim'd,
Or else hee's out of cash, or who collects
His rents, detains them more then hee expects.
But howsoere hee shroud it with his wit,
Nor this nor that is any cause of it;
“His luscious palat and delicious Cook
Withhold him from discharging of the Book.

His many Items daily so much spend him,
As eyther must some Patentees defend him,
Or all his ancient Manors are forgone,
Which may be soone, for he had never none,
Only some few he got since he came hither,
Which with himselfe are shrinking both together.
But stay; me thinks there's nought distasts me more
Than to behold a rude uncivil Bore
Whom nurture, nor good nature ever had,
Whose father liv'd by nought but selling Woad,
By means of better fortune to obtaine
More grace then men of more deserts may gaine;
His honor is his purchase, and his fate
To raise himself to greatnesse by his state:
For merit who esteems it? When men crave
To know not what we are, but what we have?
Now by those hopes I have of future blisse,
There's nothing mads me half so much as this;
For who can brook to see a groundling rise
To titles of such honor and high prize,
Doing no worthy act in all his time,
Unlesse it were the gelding of a Swine,
As I heard once a mad-conceited Jig,
Of one made Knight for rosting of a Pig:
And Dietloph Brand obtain'd (some say) as much
With Rostock Beare who overthrew the Dutch.
Which story made me laugh, for on a time
A boon-Companion and a friend of mine
Telling this tale, one of a light conceit
(Which made the jest more full) replied streight

By thus retorting it; Now by this light,
I wonder much why you'r not made a Knight;
For if to healths such knightly vailes befall,
You's drinke a health with any of them all.
But to the purpose; though I force a smile,
I'd rather mone th'abuses of our Ile.
Again, to see those who have well deserv'd,
How they can shew their warlike bodies carv'd,
Their arms disjoynted, or their legs cut off,
Yet for all this rewarded with a scoff;
Their service wants least solace, for our Peace
Makes us conceive small pitty toward these:
Yet their designes were glorious, and the cause
For which they fought deserv'd no lesse applause,
But see their end, for all the time they serv'd,
The most of these are eyther hang'd or starv'd.
Now to propose some due reward to these,
Nought were more fit, if it the State would please,
Than to injoyne the miserable Chrone
(I meane the usurous oppressing one)
Whose only sport it is, and recreation,
To see a dearth of grain in all our Nation;
Who grates, regrates, grinds and engrosseth all,
Laughs when our markets rise, grives when they fall,
Who will not sell his Corn if men should die;
But stops his eare against their ruthfull crye:
Then to injoyn (I say) his stonie heart,
Some portion of his substance to impart
To a deserving Souldier, and know
My reason's this why I would have it so.

This earth-adoring and admiring wretch,
Who craves no more then that he may be rich,
Lives safe at home, his family attend him,
But all this while the Souldier doth defend him:
Snayle-like at home hee ever makes aboad,
And little feels the dangers are abroad;
While the encamped Souldier doth endure
The worst extremes the Miser to secure:
From sleep hee wakes, with noyse of least alarm,
Surveys the Campe, prevents ensuing harm;
Rampiers he reares, Fortes, Bulwarks, Palisadoes,
Mures, Countermures, stores his wel-rig'd Armadoes:
The key-cold ground, the field-bed, wher he rests him
Where not one minute but some fear molests him:
All which he beares with patience for this Elfe,
Who cares not who fall so he save himselfe.
Now ought not he to share in his encrease,
Who by his danger doth secure his peace?
Do wee not see each one relieve his Cur,
Who on the night-time barks and makes a stur
To shield his masters house from those would venter
But for fear of discovery, to enter?
And shall a Cur so kindly be entreated,
And a poor Souldier of his right defeated?
Can one delight so much a Cur to cherish.
And suffer one, endow'd with reason, perish?
Nor for my self do I this comfort seek,
For (as I think, I'm in for all the week)
Although perchance I have as great delight,
In a good cause, as any one to fight,

And would be loth to spare my dearest blood,
If shedding it might do my Countrey good:
But diverse means are form'd for diverse men,
Some are to fight with pike and some with pen;
Eyther of which requires aspirit stout,
To vanquish fiends within, or foes without.
But say, can neither eye, eare, taste, nor smell
Afford thee ought that may content thee well?
Can no choice object to thy eye appeare,
Nor no melodious accent to thy eare,
No fragrant perfume to refresh thy Scent
While thou art here in lists of thraldom pent;
No sense-affecting-solacing repast
That may delight or relish thy distast?
Can none of these thy drooping spirit cheere,
Or ease thy griefe while thou art lodged here?
Yes, yes, in every faculty I find
Somthing to give contentment to my mind;
For thus I argue; If these breed such loathing,
I must infer, on earth there can be nothing,
Bee't nere so pleasant-seeming or so moving,
That may in any measure merit loving.
Which to confirme, as I conceiv'd distast
In all those former Senses that are past,
Now, for my love I bear the Commonweale,
Heare but the griefs I for her sake do feele.

Much do I feele, for even my heart doth ake,
Not for my self, but for my Country sake,

Wherein ther's nought doth me so neerly touch
As to see great-men wrong the State so much.
For ther's no place, we heare not some of these
Tax'd and reprov'd for their Monopolies,
Which they will beg that they their turns may serve,
No matter though the common-people starve.
O age me thinks thou art distracted growne
To squeeze a whole State for advancing one
And what's that one? a profuse Rioter,
Who spends upon a painted Sepulcher
What ere he gains by begging; thus the poor
Are forced to maintain a great-mans whoor.
They want, he surfeits; they may pine and die,
Hee hears, but takes small pitty on their crie.
They crave one crum of comfort, he denies them,
And when he meets them, stops his nose & flies them,
He all enjoys whatso'ere may like him well,
And on his foot-cloth rides in state to Hell.
O yee high peering Mounts incline your ear
Unto the counsel of a Prisoner!
For do not think, although I be in thrall,
That I will humor any of you all;
I have not learn'd to flatter hitherto,
And I do scorn to take the trade up now.
But what's my counsell? Labour to deserve
Well of your Prince whom you are bound to serve,
Hate to inhance your State, or fill your purses
With wofull widows tears and poor-mens curses;
That gaine must needs be ill, be't more or lesse,
That's suck'd and strained from the fatherlesse.

Scorne to enrich your selves by others hate,
Or rayse your selves by razing of the State.
And for as much I heare that Some of you,
Which I protest doth much my grief renue,
Support your Followers in an unjust cause,
Against the course and tenure of the Laws;
So as they care not what they undertake,
Because they shall be favor'd for your sake:
Surcease for shame to countenance a wrong,
Either by Letter or perswasive tongue;
For there is nought on earth, right sure I am,
Detracteth more from any Noble-man,
Then with the brand of injury to stain him,
For love of any one that doth retain him.
For this such deep impression leavs behind it,
As on your graves succeeding times shall find it,
Where it will live long after you be dead,
And sprinkle hatefull poyson on your seed.
And you the reverend Judges of the Land,
Stand in defence of right whosoe're withstand
Your just proceedings, let no favor draw you,
Nor fear of any great-one over-aw you.
Doe you not think it were a shame to heare
Such men as you, who on your shoulders beare
The burden of the State, and should take care
To guard the Prince and those his Subjects are,
E're to decline from doing what is right,
For love, or lucre, enmity or might?
Patrons and Patterns you should be of truth,
To curbe the misdemeanors of our youth,

Whose unconfined wills are rather bent
To ill then good, unless they feel restraint:
But for as much as I have heard Some say,
That great-mens power hath ever born much sway
In Seates of Justice, which should be so pure,
As neither power could awe, nor love allure;
That you from course of Justice less may swerve
Observe the Rule which Cato did observe:
Who on a time, when he in judgement sat
Professing truth, the scope he aymed at,
Receiv'd a Letter, which in post-haste came
From One who was esteem'd a special man
Then in the State; addressed to this end,
To spare pronouncing judgement on his Friend.
But He, suspecting what th' contents might be,
Meant to prevent him by this Policie,
And that he might procede in judgment better,
First Sentenc'd him, and after read the Letter.
O then to all alike just judgement render
As you the safety of the State doe tender!
Grant great ones no exemption, who alledge
They may offend by writ of Priviledge;
But make them know, that you have pow'r to strike
(If they impugn the Law) all men alike.
This if you do, which Conscience bids you doe,
Good men will love, and ill men feare you too.
Yea God himself, who's present in your Court,
Sees your uprightness and shall bless you for't.

And you strife-stirring Lawyers, who have sold
Too oft your souls, more oft your tongues for gold,

Like some foule Leprosy my Muse would shun you
But that the State complaines so much upon you.
Eye your profession, and examine then
If you your selves be such condition'd men,
As both the State requireth at your hands
And with the form of your profession stands.
And what is this, but that you should take heed
What cause you take in hand, for whom you plead,
Whom you perswade, and with perswasion mad,
Saying their cause is good, when it is bad,
How you doe earne your fees? for some mens aym
Are by delayes to multiply their gaines:
For know, that you, who should judicious bee,
Are first to weigh the cause, then take your fee;
And if't be such a Cause 'twill bear no water,
Perswade your Client to compound the matter:
But if the cause be good, fall soundly to it,
And slight it not, for so you might undo it.
What shame were't then to see men of your Coat
Distemperd with a swelling in the throat:
A dangerous infectious disease,
Sprung from the practice of Demosthenes;
Whom the Milesians feeing on a time,
That to their cause he might the more incline,
Hee, when he should the matter fully break,
Had got the Squinancie, and could not speak.
O take you heed of this, lest God withhold
Speech from your tongues thus tipt and tide with Gold

And you the Gentry, who retaine the name,
But not the Worth, of those from whence you came
You, who should be life, hope, and all that's deere
Both to your selves, and such as neighbour neere,
Observe your ranke, and in your ranke so live,
As to your House you may no scandall give.
Alasse, for griefe, that ere it should be sed,
So many hopefull Plants are withered;
Such ancient houses, where reliefe was found
By way-beat Passengers, now raz't to ground
And whence comes this, but from improvidence,
Neglect of State, profusenese of expence?
So as me thinks, I heare poore earth complaine
And chide her brats for being so profane;
That th' antient badge of Hospitality,
Should be defac'd by prodigality;
Cloaths, made to cover shame, and colour sin,
Are now habilliments to glory in:
Meates, given to suffice nature, not delight,
Must satisfy our liqu'rish appetite:
Drinks, to refresh, times so distemper'd are,
Must drink down debt, apply a cure to care
Of which disorderd rank, I knew of late
A youth of faire and eminent estate;
Who in few yeares had his estate to seeke
from pissing Conduit that doth stand in Cheap
But in my judgement, there is none of these
Brings ruine to our ancient families,
So much as profane swearing, which doth call
Like that hand-writing showne upon the wall

For vengeance on them that the same do use,
“Gods curse must nere depart from swearers House.
And yet I see, and sigh to say I see,
How in this Land, where God should honour'd be
With duest praises, for her great increase
Of earthly blessings, and continued peace,
The Gentry of our Ile, should think no shame,
With new coin'd oaths to profane his name:
Which is their Parents fault, who so much love them,
That when they hear them swear they'l scarce reprove them:
Yea though they curse ere they be wean'd from tear,
And learne to sweare, before they learn to speak,
They must not be rebuk'd, but mark their ends,
And you'l conclude their Parents, their worst frends.

And you, deceitful Tradesmen, whose great'st care
Is to contrive dark shops, to vent false ware,
Scorne with injurious practise to deceive
Such as in you, their trust reposed have;
And day by day the Chandlers case remember,
As you the welfare of your necks do tender.

Lastly to you my Brethren, who by nature,
Are woodmen borne and gotten by a Satyre:
Examine ere you publish any line,
For I must tell you 'tis a dang'rous time;
The State is jealous, and will have an eye
On such wild-headed waggs as you and I.
Be warie then good Boyes, and have a care,
Least in my censure yee do likewise share,
Which could not chuse but turne to your disgrace
Besides your lothsom lodging in this place:

Where, trust me, though I doe not lye with any,
Spight of my teeth I goe to bed with many;
And which is strange, Backbiters have I more
Since I lay here then e're I had before.
But heark, while I am taxing others sin,
My fellows they are roaring now within;
I must withdraw; my Keeper he doth call,
And now my grate is shut; good-night to all.

Exit Spectrum

Αργυραγχη Σαυαγχη. Vid. Demost. apud Gellium, lib. 11. cap. 9. 82.

Two Poems Penned by the Author, before his restraint, Entituled Loves Lottery and The Cuckow.

Whereunto are annexed, The Trapanner. The Tarpolin. Messalina. An Elegie on Phil. Porters death. With his Farewell to Poetry. Or Motto upon Misery. Shewing how the Muses are Patronesses of Poverty.

IPSE DEUS, SUMMUS MÆONIDUM MUSÆUS

Sunt aliis alii Studiis ab Origine nati;
Artibus ingenui, deliciisque; proci.
Mæonii Musis sapiunt, opibusque; Coloni;
Sole Comes Scrinii nunc Arethusa mei.

Ardua magis est provincia Palladis quàm Plaustri;
Studii quàm Stivæ; Calami quàm Coli; Cerebri
quàm Coloni; Mercurii quàm Mallei;
Minervæ quàm Manubrii.

“Who truly loves, and cannot loved be,
“May she lead Apes in Hell; shee's not for me.

Loves Lottery.

I pull, God send me fortune in my thank,
Either a Prize worth having, or a Blank;
What is it Crier? see the blousing fool,
How he stands cocking on a buffet stool,
And speakes his mind in silence! Sirra, you,
That stands like to some Beacon, to the view
Of each beholder, tell me what do'est know,
Have I a Prize, resolve me yea, or no?
None; all the better, I am glad thy eyes
Are not a witnesse of a worser prize
Then nothing; it is love for which I drew,
And since I've nothing for my selfe to shew,
I am made free, that was in feare of thrall,
Which to avoid, I'le have no Prize at all.
No Prize, no booty! wellcome-heartily,
I am prepar'd, t'embrace my poverty
With an extended arme, for there is want
Which makes man happy, as Cleanthes scant
Living a single life, got knowledg store,
In which (if married) he had still been poor.

Yet once I'le pull againe, hap what hap can,
And may my Lot make me a happy man.
“Happy or haplesse dole, what ere shall come,
“I will with cheerfull brow receive my doome:
For this I know, if fortune meane me well,
I shall receive a Lot that doth excell
So farre the lower ranke, as flowres grasse,
“Gold lead, myrrhe hemlock, diamond the glasse.

Now Sir, what has fate sent us, some crackt peece,
Not worth receiving? thinkst thou this will please
A man, whose fortunes stand upon his Prize?
No sir, I'le ferret out your rogueries.
This is given out for some virginian travell,
Some Sea-gull voyage, and you meane to gravell
A country Codshead, and to cheat him too,
Telling him what the Merchants meane to do
With this grand contribution, but they
Meane no such thing: such voyages must stay
Till better opportunity admit,
And then perchance they will accomplish it.

And yet what strange pretences do they make,
“All that they doe is for their Country sake;
And that this expedition will confer,
Store of estate upon our Ilander?
Then, what rich oare in every cliffe abounds,
The fishie rivers, and faire spacious grounds,
That without tillage yeeld them fruit enough
Without the help of either Share or plough.
Besides, what commerce will accrue thereby
To Albions people, and her Seignory.

Thus our Lot-novices, are drawne to th'bait,
And brought to bite, not knowing what deceit
Lies shrouded under covert and pretence
Of country profit, Dove-like innocence.
But heare! A prize, and that the greatst of all
Befall'n a Taylor, who upon his stall
Scarce could sustaine his wife and family
With stealing shreads, and other michery;
And now's advanc'd by fortune and his Lot
To many hundreds: and yet knoweth not
His better fate, till that some friend of his
Come to bring tidings of his sodain blisse.
Where finding him heeling a paire of hose,
Or such like botcherie, He skrues his nose
After an upstart-Gallant, leaves his boord,
Which many a peece of stolen stuffe can afford:
Then streight hee claps a peece or two in th'hand
Of his good Nuncio, And thinks what land
Where best to purchase for his sunne and heire,
(Whose heritage was lists;) then do repaire
His Bakers with their scroules, and call him cofin,
With ------ Item for so many dozen dozen
All undefraid, yet much they'l not importune,
Because they heare the issue of his fortune;
Which they admire with knee and vailed head,
And now this loopehole must be worshipped,
Whose Stile by letters is engraven thus,
The Shrine of Sutor Vestiarius.
And this the Country gull, no sooner heares,
Then he is rapt with hope, and therefore beares

Some stakes of hazard in this Lottery;
And hopes in time to hit as prosprously
As ere the yard-man did, and had no doubt
If that he could with lots have holden out
Till he had gain'd his purchase; but how short
He came of that, his owne eares can report,
Where all he got (so little was his thank)
For his disbursements was a Paper-blank.
And yet, O hope, how strong an Oratour
Art thou in thy perswasion! where, thy power
Extracts content from shadows, telling vs
That such events may fall out thus or thus;
Which though they have no possibility,
Yet hope assures them for a certainty.
This moves us oft, to lose the substances
And reall use of things, for semblances;
Meerely phantastick fictions, which proceed
From the distemper of an addle head.
And such Ixion-like make their receit,
Too overweening of their own conceit:
Admiring Merrha-like, what ere they make,
That nought is good, but what they undertake.
Where if event prove sometime sinister
To their intent; they presently aver
The ground whereon they built the plot was good,
Hows'ere the sequell may be understood.
O strang condition of depraved men,
Where fancy is distracted, how or when
Their own affections know not, but proceed
In their intendments without better heed

Then purblind Appius in his Cassian lot
Who for two Romane talents got a groat!
And was not this an excellent receit
For such a summe disbursed? O deceit
As ancient as authentick! for wee see
Acts of this kind gaine an impunitie;
Because those grand-Cayrs that doe profit by them,
Are all too great for poor ones to discry them.
“Laws are like spider-webs, small flies are tane,
“Whiles greater flies break in and out againe.
But th'lot I draw's cleere of another kind;
Where many are, of th'Carthaginian mind,
That brave Arminius, and we follow him,
Who thought it better farre to lose then win
In Hymens Lottery: yet in affection
Where single numbers be, there's no perfection
Because too naked, if that one partake
“Not of an other, and assume his make
To make this number complete: but we find,
Saith Timon, that made perfect in the mind,
Where Contemplation reigneth, which can be
Hardly united with Effeminacie.
True yet the State, if with discretion us'd,
And not through wanton dalliance abus'd,
Which staines the light of wedlock, may be said,
And rightly too, of merit honoured;
Where two divided bodies become one
by an interiour union, bone of bone;
Having recourse to the Creation, when
Women had their beginning from us men:

So as that Mould which gave to us creation,
“Being rib-formd gave Woman generation.
And much I wonder whence these Womens pride
Had propagation! if from Adam's side,
Why should they glory in their beauties flowrs
“Since their perfection is not theirs but ours?
But if (as other Sages do aver)
Eve took this from her Lawyer Lucifer;
Why should they such esteeme of beauty make,
But rather hate it for the Serpents sake?
Who under colour of commending faire,
Tells them by art they'r fairer then they were;
Whence they becom (so pure hath art displaind them)
Made by themselves, & not as God hath made them.
Yet some there be whose vertues make them faire,
And such seeme never fairer then they are,
Whose native beauty doth her light retaine,
Whilest what art daubs, is soon dissolv'd again.
But stay, a Prize! most welcom, what may't be?
“A Maid of Dian's train, whose modestie
Is without reach of Scandal; shee it is
That's fallne to thee to consummate thy blisse;
“Farwell then Contemplation, I have got
“A rarer prize, and I will take my Lot.

These practise how to dye well more than to live well.

Which (as St. Ambrose saith) no age shall extinquish, no death can take away, no sicknesse corrupt. Amb. de Virg. lib. 1.

The Cuckow.

Lalus once laugh'd to heare the Cuckow sing,
Thinking it boded some mans cuckolding;
Where now in Spring, prime season of the yeare,
The Cuckows note sounds harshest in his eare:
For he, suspicious Sot, doth make his life
A Scout to schoole th' abuses of his wife.
How now you stutting Raskal, are you made
To tax our wives abuses, and upbraid
These manlie-horned monsters which appaere
Not rare, for they're dispers'd in every Sheere;
And now have got prescription to maintaine
That they their Predecessors style retaine?
And must a scab, one that's scarse taught to speak,
With his harsh tongue, our ignominie seeke,
Filling his hatefull bill, with hawthorne leaves,
And pestring poore Actæon, with new grieves?
Unnurtur'd Lossell, canst thou find out none
To make thy Libel on, but such an one

That has no time to answer such as thou,
Having a wife finds him enough to doe?
And must thou sit neere to his garden walke,
And like a stammering gossip 'gin to talk
What ere thou sees or heares, nay somtime more
Then thou didst ever see or heare before?
Is there no Law against thy impudence,
No punnishment, our wrongs to recompence?
Me thinks if men of lower ranke forbore
To chastise thee, that hast incenst them sore;
Yet such as be of higher quality,
Should with impatience beare such injury.
And yet these branched great ones when they spy thee
“Will laugh one at another, and go by thee;
And misapply thy note, and say, this shame
Thou lyes on honour, toucheth none of them;
But some silke grogran-Jacket Citizen,
Whose mincing Minx can limit where and when
Her Court-eringo trader will repaire,
Whom she is for, while he is for the Faire.
And yet thou means of them, as well as these,
And stuts out that which all the world sees,
Reproving (harsh reproofe) the bed of honour,
Which thus is stain'd with lust insulting on her.
Thou Jarring quirister, that wont to sing,
And caroll out thy tunelesse note each Spring,
Forcing suspicion in the Jealous eare
Of some long-travail'd Merchant venturer,
Whose fishing farre for pearles hath procur'd
An angler for his wife, who hath endur'd

As many firie tryalls in that quarrell
As Ætna's quarries or Selucus barrell
In Tenedos assault: and yet might she
Enjoy her pleasure with securitie;
If thy reporting tenure did not beare
The newes of strange suspicion to his eare.
Ill-nurtur'd nuncio, that comes ever first
Saluting us with tidings that are worst;
Breathing a jealous spirit to the mind
Of him that sees his Wife but onely kind,
(And in a modest sort) making him sweare,
That for examples sake, hee'l mangle her,
Inflicting such strange punnishment, as time
Shall brute the act, when ages do decline.
And is not this brave dealing, when a Swad
That hath no tune but one, nor ever had,
Must descant on our secret practises,
Which are so closely done, as Lynceus
With his transpiercive eyes can scarce look thorow
The night it is so dark, the place so narrow?
Must man endu'd with reasons excellence
Not reape the joy, and benefit of sense
With an embraced arme, but he must be
Checkt by the harsh note of thy jealousie?
Is there no honour dew to th'worth of man
That gaines a priviledge? No Artizan
Was ever equall to him, yet in vaine
Hath he exprest his art, when one poore staine
Can soile his beauty, and eclypse that light
Which man makes claime of, as his proper right.

Yet what Bird is there in the spatious wood,
Or desart forest, that so vainly proud
Assumes unto her self such daring state,
As to curb man, or privately to prate
What shee observ's or sees, save onely thou
That hast done this, and doest continue too?
Wood-building Robin doth the woods refuse,
And for mans love, to dwell with man doth chuse;
The Summer-Swallow, though she chattering calls
Upon her mate, yet will she tell no tales.
The nat'rall Stork, when as her parents age
Makes them keepe home, as pent up in a cage,
Shee feeds them with her travaile and re-brings
Store of reliefe upon her tender wings,
Whence to remove, if any time they seeme,
Shee is the hackney that doth carry them.
The billing bussing Turtle thought doth teke
For nought but for the losing of her mate,
Whom lost shee sighs, as if at his depart
Shee lost the better portion of her heart.
The warbling Thrush chants out her cheerful layes,
Glad at the heart, that Flora now displayes
Her various beauties, and shee seemes to sing
A Caroll for the Spring-times wellcomming.
The lively Lennet, that is wont to feed
Upon no other meat then thistle seed,

Cheeres up her selfe, and with her merry note,
Shews that content hath ever been her lot.
Night-mourning Philomel forsakes her nest,
And sings with pricking thorne set to her brest;
Prognes distresse occasion'd ruthfully,
Her selfe disgrac'd by Tereus villany.
The jealous, chast, and pure Porphyrio
Will have his love, not lov'd by others too;
For if a stranger in his bed he spie,
Death-struck he leaves to live, and loves to die.
The sprightly Sparrow, he his yong-ones feedes,
And as he treads he chirps, and chirps and treades;
Yet building in our Eaves, it likes him well
To heare us talke and doe what he'le not tell.
The wanton Wagtaile chats not what he hears,
But as our bosom-Counsellor forbears
To publish ought, though see full well he may
A thousand play the Wagtailes on a day.
Yea, th' very Scrichowle that may not repaire
To th'place where others priviledged are,
Haunts desart shades, and Cat like, sometime hies
To Barns and Graners, where she preyes on mice,
But never, Critick-like, will she defame
The mean'st that lives by staining their good name.
Thou only of all others that remaine,
Displaies the fate of Lording and of Swaine:

And justifies the fact, though ne're so foule,
And who is't dares thy impudence controule?
Thou may sit brousing on the Hawthorne bough,
And flout, and fleere, and libell on us too;
Yet who, though thy harsh voice do ne're so rate him,
Dare bring thee in for Scandalum magnatum?
Thou may be priviledg'd and rest secure,
Whereas if vertue play the monitor,
To tax such vices as raigne now and then
Amongst the best and highest-ranked men,
As shee in conscience must; what's her reward
But present censure, torture afterward?
Heere Minos, Radamanth, and Æacus
Will be in judgement as censorious,
As if poor vertue should be forc'd to dwell
Where they have their tribunall reer'd in Hell.
They'l terme her proud, and will avouch it too,
For what is it these great-ones may not do?
Shee must (unhappy shee) learne to be wise,
Observe mens humors, learne to temporise;
Desire to faune on great-ones, and reserve
An attribute for vice, and ever serve
A rising spirit, whose expectance gives
Life to his follower, by which hee lives.
Shee must reserve a grace to such an one
Whose honours make him worthy, and bemone
The death of such a Lord, or such a Peere,
Onley to currie favour with his Heire.
And this must vertue do, or shee must sterve;
For Idiot-like (poore foole) shee's bound to serve

In garded coat, or such like Liverie,
Or die in want, expos'd to miserie.
But Let her passe, I hope shee will not show
Respect to them, where shee doth nothing owe:
Such vicious painted-coates, who have no worth
To glory in, save eminence of birth,
Or large-extended Manors, all which can
Adde small perfection to the worth of man;
Who draws his Light, if he looke well about him,
From worth within him, & not wealth without him.
No, Vertue, no; thou knowest what merit is,
And canst discerne twixt true and seeming blisse;
Thy praises which thou usest to recite,
Taste not of gaine as doth the Parasite,
Whose oylie tongue is so inur'd to flatter,
As he will praise the man without the matter.
Nettle vice sharply, for 'tis now high time,
When shee on footcloth rides, while such decline
As beare respect to thee; but let them feele
What's to put honours spurr on vices heele.
And if thou want a Cryer to proclaime
The purport of thy Edict, I can name
One that will do it, and exactly too,
Without respect to either high or low.
Whom if thou aske, to descant on this theame,
It is the loud-voic'd Cuckow that I meane:
Whom i'le importune, if thou think it fit
To play the Cryer and to publish it.

Fronde rep'ens rostrum, repetitâ voce lacessit
Acteonem, solitos balbutiendo modos.

Vid. Calimach. & Tibull.

Vid. Plinium in natural. histo.

Basilius in Homil. 8. & 9.

Martial. in Epigram.

Faern. in Emblem.

Carduelis, quia pascitur à Cardui pilis. Vid. Varr.

Ovid. Metamorph. 6.

Alciat. in Emblem.

Catull. de Mort. Pass. Eleg. 3.

Sambuc. in Emblem, Avium.

Ovid. Metam. 6.

To the Cuckow.

Now Sir to you I must my speech intend,
That it would please you to be vertues friend,
And vices perfect foe; it's her desire
That you would be, as well you may, her Crier:
No matter though you stut and stammer too,
So many Criers, when they're brib'd, will doe.
But forasmuch she knows that none at all
Will in their charge be more impartiall,
Shee has made choice of you, not for your wit,
But for your voice, which will this charge befit.
One Spring will do't, I pray, good Sir, begin,
And leave your harsh distastfull Cuckowing.
But you will aske, what may this charge import?
I'le tell you Sir, for I did call you for't.
First to display Court-vices, which partake
To much of poison, for example sake;
For that place, like the Sunne, communicates
Her cheerfull beams to men of all estates:
Whose glory, if obscur'd by any mist
Of church-invading pilfring Simonist;
Or luke-warme Neuter, roming heretique,
Sect-inovatour, itching Scismatique,
Oppressing Ahab, painted Jezabel,
Sin-plotting Haman, or Achitophel;
Treacherous Agent that doth undermine
His countrie like another Catiline;

Profane Puntilio, Buffon, Apple-squire,
Blood-shedding Cain, that will do ought for hire,
Bribe-handed favorite or Sycophant,
That shoulders honour like an Elephant;
Cinnamon-courtier, whose very hide
Is better worth, then all his parts beside;
Riotous spend-thrift, wanton Marmosite,
Dutch-swilling Hans, Saint-seeming Hypocrite;
Whose glory if obscur'd, I say, by these,
Or any one of such like crudities,
It presently sends out these vapors to
Such places, where it did her light bestow:
For the Court exemplar is, and seemes to give
To other Parts the like prerogative.

Next to unmask, for it will be a ditie
Worthie the shrillest voice, crimes of the Citie;
Where oft is shadowed much impiety
Under pretence of meere simplicity.
There if you find a Tradesman whose chiefe care
Is to get richesse by deceitfull ware;
A smooth chin'd Prentice or a Jorney-man,
That trades with's mistresse linnen now and then;
An English Jew, that conscience-lesse inures
His godlesse soule to taking forfeitures;
A roaring Haxter, Pandor, Palliard, Bolt,
Pimp, Snap, Shark, Cheat, or any such like Colt;
Brothelling Punk, her Champion, or that Ape
Of man, though woman putting on mans shape;
If any these, as some of these you may,
You shall by your quick-sighted eye display;

Sing out amaine, and to their eares report
What they have done, though they beshrew you for 't.

Then to the Conntry, for you there shall hear
Many a biting-grating-Usurer,
Rent-racking Landlord, hoording Cormorant,
That's ever dreaming of a seven yeere want
Selfe-pining Miser, whose thick-leaved chest
Conteines his gold, the god which he loves best;
A Prodigall, whose fathers care is brought,
By his unheady providence, to nought;
Catchpoule from catch and pull taking his name,
Whose conscience's seer'd, & face admits no shame;
Counterfeite Pursevant, that dares appeare
With forg'd commission though he lose his eare:
False-tithing varlet, that will take his booke
He has tith'd right, when hee has stolne a stooke;
Brazen-fac'd Tinker, that with pike in hand,
Budget on back, bids way-beat Trav'ller stand;
Shread-miching Patch, hearing what Taylers do
Above i'th'City, he must pilfer too;
If these, or any these you chance to finde,
Pay me them home for all that is behinde:
So you shall purchase every mans good word,
And afterwards be styled vertues bird.

What Cuckow, will you turne your haggard taile,
Shall neither vertue, nor her suit prevaile?
Will not you leave your harsh-offensive note,
To follow vertue, and to weare her coate?
Well Sir, I'le paint you out a knave in graine,
And what I speake, think not but I'le maintaine;

But to particulize your rogueries,
An endlesse volumne hardly would suffice;
Some of the, chiefest therefore I'le impart,
That th'world may know how dangerous thou art:
Which in a tale, I purpose to relate,
To make short work, and thus it chanc'd of late.
“A zealous brother of the family,
“By trade a Malster, so religiously
“Imploy'd himself in mysteries divine,
“As hee was ta'ne a mirror in his time;
“For there was scarce a Sermon preached neer him
“Within seven miles, but he would go to hear him;
“From morn to night, all Sunday would he fast,
“Starving his body for his souls repast;
“And night by night, he would to Church repaire,
“Where he did shout, and bellow out his prayer.
“In briefe, now great in estimation growne
“With chiefest Famulists in all the towne;
“Hee was esteem'd the onely Rabbi there,
“So great was th'reputation hee did beare.
“And some, as I have heard, did give him power,
“Or thought him fit to be Expositour,
“Of any point when any one did move it,
“And ipse dixit was enough to prove it.
“This holy Brother now growne famous there,
“And deem'd a profess'd Doctor of the Chaire,
“Mov'd as the Spirit would, for th'spirit mov'd him,
“A Sister lov'd, and she as deerly lov'd him.
“These famulists now growne familiar,
“About Spring-time, when birds begin to paire,

“Upon mature advice resolved either,
“To marry there, or leave the towne together.
“But forasmuch it was for certaine knowne,
“This Malster was engag'd unto the towne,
“Owing farre more then ere hee ment to pay,
“Hee thought it fit no longer there to stay;
“But with his holy sister, to prepare
“To leave the Towne, and taste the Country ayre.
“This simple Sister doubting no deceite,
“Address'd her selfe one ev'ning very late
“To his direction, closly to depart
“And follow him who now possess'd her heart.
“Three dayes they had not travell'd on their way,
“Till resting them about midtime of day,
“Under a blooming Haw-thorne, they did heare
“The Cuckow sing nere th'place wherein they were:
“And over them he hover'd, as if they
“Had beene the persons which he would display;
“A Hawthorne leafe, he in his beake would put,
“And then would stut, and sing, and sing, and stut.
“Which th'zealous brother noting once or twice,
“Now jealous grown, strait from his place did rise,
“Using these words: Nay, if the birds of th' ayre,
“Whose gift I know in prophecy is rare,
“Fortell what shall befall my lot and mee,
“And in the Sky thus blab my destinie;
“Sister farwell, returne from whence you came,
“I will not wive to weave the web of shame.
“How ill his Sister tooke this foule retrait
“Of that Saint-seeming faithlesse counterfeit,

“May hence appeare: for I have often heard
“Shee fell into distraction afterward,
“Though I suppose Shee greater reason had
“To be surpriz'd with ioy, then to go mad
“For love of such a hairebraind Sot as he,
“Famous for nought save for his perjurie.
Now Sir, to whom may I impute this wrong
Done to this Maid, but to your lucklesse Song,
Which so perplext th'vow-breaking miscreant,
As shee, poor shee, must now her Darling want,
And live depriv'd of love and life together,
Running distractedly, shee knowes not whither?
But (good Thalia) whose blest influence
Gives sweetnesse of discourse and utterance;
Thou yt hast power o're tongues, restraine his tongue,
And make this bawling Cuckow henceforth dumbe;
So yeerely Maides shall to thy Shrine resort,
And free from jealous Tel-tales thank thee for't.

A

Vivitur ex rapto.

Trapanner.

Look to your Brain-pans, Boyes;—here comes a Traine
Of Roysting-Rufflers that are knaves in graine.
No corner can secure you; they'l rush in
And strippe the downy Gosling to his Skin.
Yet they'l accost you with a civile greet,
And with Shark-cringing congies brush your feet.
Nay, they'l incounter you with curt'sies too,
Before they practise what they meane to doe.
— Pray Sir excuse us that by chance are come
In this intrusive manner to your roome.
But we'll redeeme our error:—Drawer bring
Bottells of Sack drain'd from th'Hesperian Spring,
Where th'Watchfull Sisters kept their Sentinall;
—Quick, Rogue, wee cannot brook a second call.
Meane while this wilke, who neere saw any clyme,
But his Dads pale, or pantry all his time:

Nor ever view'd Luds-Tarases before,
Begins to tremble when they 'gin to rore.
A feverish qualme surprizeth ev'ry part,
His vitall heat playes rebell to his heart;
His chilled senses, cold as any stone,
Partakes no other itch but to be gone:
But he findes Remora's; He scapes not so,
Whole troups of healths come pealing on a row.
This to this Princes Hero; this to that
Enamel'd fancy Dangling on his hat;
This to his Bracelet; This to that choyce String
Impales his hayre; This to his Diamond ring;
—This to his Gippo; to his Agget watch;
This to his Tuck charg'd with a double hatch;
This to the Microcosme of this spruce youth,
With his auspicious welcome to the South.

Round run these Healths, farre rounder runs his braine,
Though surfeit sick, 'tis folly to complaine.
And now this birth growne full and perfect too,
Which yet aspir'd but to an Embrio:
A gaudy-giddy-giglet is convei'd,
A virgin pure, as any Hackney Maid,
Thick dawb'd with Cerusse, Stibium, & Vermillion,
Like Ericina's amorous Pavilion;
A rare sense-seazing Tweake, whose Speaking eyes
And Spintrian art, compleat this Enterprise.
For when they cannot presse him to offence,
They must commence a quarrell by pretence.

But these no more his edglesse fancy please
Then Lais Lures did cold Zenocrates.
Yet left he must be to this Circes charms
Like to a Lambkin in a Tigres arms.
For his seer pulse, though nought be wrought upon,
These Blades rush in, as if the Feat were don,
And in this sort accoast him:—“'Slid my Wife!
“Canst thou redeeme her honour, with thy life?
“My Sister, says another! Leave't to me,
“It is a Staine laid on my familie.
“My Cozen, sayes a third!—I'le flea his Skin,
“And pound him into mummey for his Sin.
“1. Actæon me!
“2. Distaine my antient house!
“3. Corrupt my Cozin!—Heark Boys, a carouse
“Shall quart it in his blood,
“1. I'le second it!
“And expiate what folly did commit.
“Who could have thought this downy Lapwing would
“To such extreams his reputation sold?
“But we shall prune his wings, and seere his crest,
“And leave him ne're a feather to his Nest.
The Dwindling Shallop in this grand dispute
Sits silent all the while as any Mute,

Reft both of sense and accent: and must dy
Were no compass'onat Complice standing by
To soften their resolve: Compose this strife
By begging pardon for this Wigeons life.
The Motion's made; and they incline unto 't,
So they may plunder Him from head to foot:
His substance hee's contented to forgoe,
To save his life, and hold't a curt'sy too.
“1. This Beaver, says the first, falls to my due;
“2. This Diamond shall to my lot accrue;
“3. This Scarlet Gippo and his Agget-Watch
“Fall to my share, they may advance my Match;
“4. His Belt and Tuck are mine;
“5. His Suit I claime
To hang up for an Ensigne in Long-lane.
The act's perform'd; the weakest goes to wall,
The Naked man is left, to pay for all.
No Bugle Blew, nor frisking Titire tu
Could be compared to this frontlesse Cru.
No Land-sharke of such metall, in our Ile
As this TRA-PANNER:—eye his State and Style.
Others can play the Cheats, but short of these
Who shroud their shame, by shamelesse Dabrides:
And make their Doxies Agents, to secure
Their subtill Projects with a sugred Lure.

Their first incounter.

The Hesperian Sisters, who kept their constant Sentinall over those golden Apples, which Alcides after took away.

A Pickhatch Girle new-casten in a Ranters Mould.

Daughter to Sol and Persis.

Their pretence is to Slice this Brain-strap into Sippets: or mince this Land-gull into a galle-maufrey. No hope, unlesse his pocket purchase him a reprieve.

Relating to the Turkish Mutes.

Two select Societies distinguished by Severall coloured Ribands: and sworne to a Platonick Comunity.

A Tar-paulin.

Tar-paulin is a Sea-Rat or a Sharke,
A Barnicle bred of the Ægean foame,
A Passenger shut from Noah's antient Arke,
And since a Bandite-Galley-Slave become,
I'th'liquid Region destin'd to a Tombe.
This quality by nature 's to Him given,
To prey on men, but seldome pray to heav'n:
Unlesse there be a Storme; which past, his breath
Braves Fate, though distanc'd but three

[_]

Nauta tribus digitis gaudel divisus abundis;
Incipiens fatis prospice Nauta tuis.

inch from death.

Upon our Ages Messalina, insatiat Madona, the matchless English Corombona.

Here lies Lust,
Revenge, Defame.
Woe to man, to woman shame;
Faire and false, as great as ill,
Weake in Grace, but strong in Will.
Honours blemish, Hymens stayne,
Virtues poyson, Beauties baine,
Albions-Siren, tyrant-woman,
Faith-infringer, true to no man;
Femall-Divell, plots-contriver,
Worths-tormenter, lifes depriver;
Tragick actor, blood effuser,
Times corrupter, States-abuser;
Brothel-Turner, virgin-Trader,
Husband-hater, Lusts-perswader;
Ages-monster, youths-deflourer,
Worlds-rumor, wealths-devourer;
Painted-Idol, Arts-new-creature,
Ladie in a Pages feature;

100

Soyle to the soile where shee was bred,
Poys'ning most where shee was fed;
Vices-harbor, times quotation,
Double troth'd by Dispensation;
Nights deere-Minion, Lights abjurer,
Souls-eclipser, sinnes-securer;
Vault of darkness, horrors-Heire;
Childe to Mischiefe and Despaire;
Saint-appearing, maid-protesting,
Yet both Saint and Maid molesting;
Saint with sorrow, Maid with furie,
Tried by a woman-Jurie;
Seeming-try'd, yet was afraid
To be censur'd for a Maid;
Therefore chus'd a Maid indeede
To be searched in her steede;
Mask'd, for so did shame require,
Suited in her owne attyre;
Thus shee passed undescryde,
Found a Maid, yet never tryde.
One that knew the way to marrie
Not by Priest but Pothecarie;
Whose Receits, which Art allow'd her
To applie, were Spiders pouder,
Copprice, Vitriol, which in part
Shew'd her skill in Chymick art.
Thus she liv'd, and thus she di'd,
Serpents brood, and Sathans bride,
Pitied least when most distrest,
Hated most when envied lest:

101

So as question may be made,
Whether that her Corps now laid
And inter'd in Natures brest
Will endure in Earth to rest,
Or her ashes after death
Will not with infectious breath
Staine that holy plot of ground,
Where her lustfull-Corps are found.
But howere her body be,
Sure I am that infamie
Will ne'r leave her, but will have
Still her foote upon her Grave.
Graving this upon her Tombe
As a Theame in time to come:

Here lies young Messalina, whose foul lust,
Pios'd with revenge, proves thus much; God is just!
For heate of lust, immixt with height of blood
Had never deeper dye in Womanhood.

102

Phil. Porters Elegie: In answer to a Libelling Ballader, seeking by his mercenary Pen, to traduce his honour.

Cease Ballader; in censuring Phil Porter
Thou dost but bray thy Brainpan in a Morter.
Hee was a Man of men, and women too,
And could doe more then Others Hectors doe.
For th'Style of Honour hee stood stiffe upon't,
And would far sooner give then take affront.
Besides, he shew'd compassion all his life
In taking a doom'd Pris'ner to his wife,
Saying, “She should bee cheer'd before shee dy;
“Wedding and hanging goe by destiny.
In one word, none to Fortune lesse beholden,
Who was in Fare more choice, nor Pocket golden.

103

His death divin'd a rare Prophetick fate
By his prevention of an Act of State;
Where Hectors are a strict account to give
How, and by what wayes, their ranting humors live:
For arm'd with resolution, hee thought fit
To passe from hence before hee answer'd it.
Should Death thus seize on all our ruffling Fry,
That Act might cease, because the Actors dy.

A Captive in Newgate, shortly after executed at Tiburne.

His farewell to Poetry.

Carmina secessum, scribentis & otia quærunt.

Bookes fare yee well! your Author now is hurl'd
Like a transformed thing into the World.
Now am I grown as like as like may be
To earth-turn'd Chremes in the Comedie;
Now must I take more care then doth become me,
For many Items which have quite undone me.
Item for sope and candles are but small,
Compar'd with those that I've to deale withall.

104

My cares be many, though my coyne be more,
Which add affliction to my carefull store.
Those Tales which I on winter nights have told
When I was casten in a merry mold,
And those same Songs whereof I had such choice,
Not only I've forgot, but lost my voice.
I who of late so cheerfully did looke,
And with a wench could drinke a Sillibooke,
Am of that ashie hue, scarce one 'mong ten
Can know me now, that knew my visage then.
Yea, I'm so muddy growne, as now of late
I can scarce laugh at any good conceite;
Yea, one may talke to mee a summer day,
And I nere heare one word that he doth say;
So clotted am I growne with worldly pelfe,
As I much feare I shall forget my selfe.
If I but misse the key of such a chest,
Till I have found it I can take no rest,
For I am jealous still and full of care
Lest some base knave should in my fortunes share.
Besides, when rest should my lul'd senses keepe,
Strange visions startle mee, and break my sleepe.
Sometime I see a sharke, which makes mee shake,
The keyes of all my treasure sliely take
Under my pillow; and awak't with feare,
Me thinks I catch the Rogue fast by the eare;
But comming to my selfe, I finde right soone,
My hand upon no Rogues eare but mine owne.
Straight in a broken slumber doe I heare
Fire, fire (me thinks) resounding ev'ry where,

105

Which feare of fire begets in mee desire
To pisse my bed, that I may quench the fire.
Much better was my State, and far more free,
When I remaind i'th Universitie;
Where as I had nought, so I car'd for nought,
But for the pitch of knowledg, which I sought:
Having both cheerfull sleep, and healthfull ayre,
And Stomach too, hows'ere my commons were.
What chioce delights were then afforded us
In reading Plutarch, Livie, Tacitus,
Or the Stagyrians rare Philosophie,
Whereto the Inds may not compared be
With all their precious oare; For I did finde
No Mine on earth could so enrich the minde?
But see how I am chang'd from what I was!
For now I prize more Isis goldan Asse,
Who has more means then brains, then such an one,
Whose parts are many, though his meanes be none.
Besides, no Authors can I brooke to read,
But such as in mee hope of profit breed.
I have no time to think of Conscience
For timely thrift, and Ant-like providence.
I weigh no Protestant nor Catholick,
Give mee a Georgick or a Bucolick,
To teach mee what a Grazer doth befit;
And for my tillage how to husband it:
Yea, lest I err in rules of husbandrie,
An Erra-pater keeps mee companie,
To tell mee which are good-dayes, which are ill,
And this I keepe closse in my bosom still.

106

With Pallingenius too I oft converse,
Whose sense I relish better then his verse;
Where I collect by th'influence of each Star,
What yeere is mark'd for famine, what for war;
And if I finde a deere yeere like to be,
My store shall make that yeere my Jubile.
Nor have I only bid my Books adieu,
But yee that are good-fellows, unto you;
For what should I doe sitting of a shot,
Who set more by my penny then my pot?
'Tis strange to see, how with a little state,
I'm wholy metamorphosed of late.
Before I could not brooke to have a moate.
(So briske and spruce I was) upon my coate:
Now earths affections are to mee so moving,
As I am grown a very arrant sloving.
Besides, I feele a misery in store,
For I am far more sparing then before.
My care of thriving makes mee one of those,
Who ride their Gelding barefoote to save shoes.
Nor can I be disswaded from the same,
Till under mee I feele my Palfrey lame.
The smallest trifle makes mee discontent,
And with my houshold so impatient,
As all the day I chafe, I fume, I fret,
And for no cause at all my servants beat.
If any Neighbours doe lesse then become them,
I presently commence a suite upon them;
And for a Goose-gate (that I more may spite them)
Of trespass at next Sessions I'le indite them;

107

So as of late, by trifling Suits I'm growne
The Commonst-Barretter in all our towne.
And for as much as I doe know the fashion
Is now a dayes bartring Impropriation
And Presentations too, it is my thrift
To seeme to give, yet profit by my gift:
Free from which crime, of beneficed men,
It's very rare to finde one among ten.
For Symonie is such a common sin,
More Prelats by the window doe get in
Then by the Door, so as my manner's now
To wipe my mouth, and doe as others doe;
For I doe hold that rich Drones doctrine best,
Who though he cannot preach, can cram my chest,
For my Donation then who will come by it,
Be he nere so sufficient, hee must buy it.
More then all this although I know no sorrow
May of more basenesse his beginning borrow,
Then to lament, as many worldlings doe,
The sudden losse of eyther Oxe or Cow;
I'm grown so tender hearted as I'le crye,
And like a childe put finger in the eye
For ev'ry niflle, and distracted run,
As if my State were utterly undun.
So as I'm grosly pointed at by some,
And call'd old Mammon wheresoere I come;
Though neyther I, my Marmosite nor page,
Can make amongst us fifty yeers of age.
Besides, if any Debtor now of mine
Should chance to Bankerout before his time,

108

And leave mee in the lapse; I'm so opprest
With griefe, as night nor day I take no rest,
But roving here and there, as one forlorne,
I wish the morn were night, the night were morne.
Early before 't be light I fetch the Statute,
Where all the day long I am poring at it,
To see if it will tender mee reliefe
To ease my State, cure care, alay my griefe;
Which if I cannot finde, I pule and crye,
And like a bull-rush hang the head and dye.
And yet I dye not (this my fates forbid)
Though happy were my Neighbours if I did:
For next time I come out to take the ayre)
Though for my wealth then health I take more care)
I presently some pretty Toft espy,
Which to my owne conveniently doth ly;
And hee's a very Naboth that doth owe it,
Which makes mee hope in time to creepe into it;
For I doe wish a famine but to see,
And sure I am his Toft will fall to mee;
For either want of bread will disestate him,
Or to the naked bones I meane to grate him.
I am to th' eares in Law, nor doe I care
Though I lose by't; my purpose is to spare
So much at least in dole-dayes to the poore
As will maintain my Suits of law and more.
The other day, my friend made mee an offer,
But I set light by th' curt'sy he did proffer,
That I might Knighted be, if I would buy it,
Whereto I answere made, I'de rather fly it,

109

Then purchase such a state by which I lost,
For th' Proverb is, much worship and much cost.
All my discourse, when any visit mee,
Is to inveigh 'gainst Prodigalitie,
And what distempers our excesse doth breede,
In hope my guests more sparingly will feede;
Lest they should surfeit, which were hard to doe,
For all my dishes are but one or two.
This my discourse store of examples hath,
As Adam, Lot, Moses, Methuselath,
Who lived many healthfull dayes no doubt,
Yet best of their provision was a roote:
Why should not same provision at this day
Content our liqu'rish tastes as well as they?
Yet thanks unto my Starres, I am as able
To feede as freely at anothers Table,
And with as luscious fare delight my taste,
As those that had their breeding in puffe-paste.
Yea, marke th' extent of misery in this,
My hyde-bound-Nature so restrained is,
As for this twelve month I was never found
To ease my selfe within anothers ground;
Because I would be very loth to see
Any mans Land made fruitfuller by mee;
For all the good I may or ever can,
I wish't my selfe, and to no other man.
Besides, I'm so surpriz'd with my estate,
As I've no Stomach to my meate of late;
Like to a Picture made of dough, mop I,
While others gormandize it that sit by:

110

I all a dinner time scarce eate a bit,
But muse how I may such a Purchase git,
Yea, Midas-like, if I might what I would,
I could wish all my meate were turn'd to gold;
So should I quickly without more adoe,
Famish my selfe and all my meynie too.
Before, my care was how to prize my health,
And next my health, my wench, above all wealth;
Wherein I shew'd compassion to the poore,
In clothing now and then my naked whore;
Where now I'm more perplext then can be told,
If my Tweake squeeze from mee a peece of gold;
For, to my Lure she is so kindely brought,
I looke that she for nought should play the nought.
Besides all this, since I came to such wealth,
If I enjoy my Wench, it is by stealth;
For store of eyes are on mee, and report
May bring a Rich man to the Chapter-Court:
Where, in bare fees, I might much money spend,
Although the Commissiarie bee my friend.
I care not much if ev'ry Month were Lent,
Not that I meane the sooner to repent,
For I no Sac-cloth weare, nor ashes neyther,
But that I and my house might starve together:
Yea, fasting I commend so much the more,
Because spare-Dyet doth preserve my store.
I've tane a course nought in my house to keepe
Save Rats and Mice, shall eat when I'm a sleepe.
For Reputation, I so lightly prize it,
I hold him only wise that doth despise it:

111

Yea, this shall be the marke whereat I pitch,
Rather to be dishonest then not rich.

Well, if these be the fairest fruits of Wealth,
I hold him blest has liberty and health;
For who 'll desire that Treasurie to keepe,
That reaves him of his meate and of his sleepe;
Yea mads him too, for thus much sure I am,
No Worldling ever yet was, his owne man?
I will not play the Asse thus, nor contemn;
The only sweet society of men:
The Dev'll shall have it first, hows'ere I seeme,
(The Divell at St. Dunstans I doe meane)
Rather then like a Stoick-worldling strive
To hoord up that would famish me alive.
At Ducks and Drakes we on the Thames will play
And pave the streete with gold to Halloway,
Next day, my Boyes, at Ratcliffe we 'll make merry,
And bring our Suburbs Tweaks, down in a wherry.
From thence to Rumford, where I meane to rore;
Thus shall my Sharks share in a rich mans store:
For Minus rule shall my direction bee,
I'll rather drown my Wealth, then it drown mee.

113

AN AGE FOR APES

115

His Vision.

Close by a Rill, where Springs sweet murm'ring kept,
I took a book to read, and reading slept;
And whilest I slept, presented were such shapes
Of wanton Monkies, Marmosites, and Apes;
As more I gaz'd, I mused still the more
To note their shapes and habits which they wore.
For One took on him state, and at a feast
Sat as he had beene some great Lord at least:
Those that with all obeysance did salute him,
Were Parasite and Sycophants about him;
Who with Earth-scraping congies devry show
To this State-Marmosite Magnifico.

The next, a pleasant Ape, came to my sight,
And he was all for pastime and delight.
He plaid such tricks, I thought from Faune begat him,
And I had like awak't with laughing at him.
Now would he skip upon a Ladies bed,
Then downe againe, as one had surfeited;
Streight for some other pleasure took hee care,
As how to get choyce Harriers for the Hare,

116

Or with what Hawke to make his ev'ning flight,
Or with what Consorts passe the weary night:
So as me thought each houre he did complaine him,
Wanting some new device to entertaine him.

The third held in his claw a verbal story
Larded with ayrie titles of vaine-glory;
Wherein his carpet honour was displaid,
For th'painted flagg confirm'd what ere hee said:
And this same Ape did for his Sea-men call
As if he had been some great Admirall,
Who had command; or else beene thither sent
To keepe in awe the liquid regiment.
His styles were many, and of such esteeme,
I mused much at first what they did meane;
So as I ask'd one Ape that stood hard by,
What had hee done to gaine such dignity?
Why, nought at all (quoth hee); for all his store
Of Titles now, hee was sometimes as poore
As meanest of us all: but this same Ape
Hath gain'd him estimation by his shape;
Which makes him so vaine glorious as hee is,
Prizing no mans deserts so great as his.

Having tane full and perfect view of him,
As hee went out an other Ape came in
Tyde round with ribband favours which hee ware
About his wrest, or in his eare and hare;
The Ape of fancy term'd he well might be,
For Ape had never more varietie
Of Tyes, Toyes, Rings and Bracelets, which he said
Were each one booties from a severall Maid,

117

Whose hearts hee held, so lovely were his parts,
And might be rightly styl'd the King of Hearts.
An amorous Ape he was, fixing his eye
On his Spectators as hee passed by;
For selfe conceite of his deserts did move him
To thinke none look't upon him, did not love him.

No sooner was hee vanish'd, then an Ape
Of complete fashion, and unequall'd shape
Approch'd methought, who as hee drew more nie,
Hee struck more admiration in mine eye;
For cloaths hee wore were all of distinct fashion,
And had a taste each one of several Nation.
His quilted doublet French, his hat Polonian,
His breech Italionate, his boots Ionian;
Yea view his formal Suite from head to foot,
Seven Countries were at least requir'd unto't.
Yet though his lims were neat, his face was hard,
And set with Rubies like an Ænobarbe;
So as when ere hee came in publique place,
Hee had a maske to sconce his firie Face.
Yet I perceiv'd of all the Apes that were,
None more esteem'd then was this Traveller;
For hee was most accomplish'd, and did seeme
By helpe of forraine Courts where hee had beene
Of choicest Entertainment, though his fashion
Appear'd to me an apish affectation:
“For that is best which with our selves is bred,
“And not from other Nations borrowed.

Next this, an other made himselfe exprest,
By seeming wiser farre then all the rest;

118

An Ape of Observation, who pretended
Hee was from matchlesse Machavel descended,
And unto such mysterious knowledge come,
Hee knew what ere was done in Christendome.
Nor was his knowledge grounded on pretence,
But Speculation and intelligence:
So as more treasures were hid in his braine
Then all the Seventy Provinces containe.
Yet did I smile to see how th'rest did grin,
And mop, and mow, and flout and fleere at him;
For though hee seem'd all others to surpasse,
Hee was esteem'd a selfe-conceited Asse,
Whose Observations were not worth a stroe,
Nor knew hee more then all the World did know.
But yet some still would praise him to the skie,
Stile him the master-peece of policie,
And with their oylie tongues extoll him so,
As on these Fauns he would whole Farms bestow.
This made me laugh, that such a simple Ape
Should of himselfe grow so opinionate,
As hee would have the world to beleeve
The wisdome of ye wise hung on his sleeve.

But while these Apes & all their pranks were shown,
A Silken Ape came in and put them downe;
His breath was nought but perfume, and his skin
As sleeke and smoth as any Ladies chin;
Ranke-set with gold and pearle was his coat,
As if hee had beene one of speciall note.
Yet when hee had shewne all that hee could show,
One whispring in mine eare; said hee, I know

119

This gilded Trunck, this rotten painted Tombe,
And how of late hee's to this glory come.
“This Cinnamon Tree, quoth he (for his proud hide
“Is better worth then all the bulke beside)
“Tooke first plantation in the Ile of Wight
“From whence he, forc'd wth famin, took his flight;
“But ere this wagg did to a beard aspire,
“Hee was by fortune made an Applesquire
“To a right active Lady, who 'tis sed,
“Advanc'd him from the Basket to her Bed.
“Since which auspicious fate, hee did resort
“Like one of Cynthia's followers, to the Court,
“Where he remains as spruce, you see, as may be,
“Fed onely by reversions from his Ladie.
“Yet note this Court-Ape, and you shall observe
“More state in him, then those who best deserve!
“Rich is his Robe, his presence scornefull too,
“For hee on better men will scarce bestow
“Least semblance of respect, so proud is hee
“To those where hee should most respective bee.
“Yet what are his deserts, that they should seeme
“Worthie such congies or so great esteeme?
“Perchance this Ape can court; admit hee can,
“This makes him not a compleat Gentleman.
“Dare hee with resolution enter list
“With his Opponent or Antagonist?
“Dare hee contend for honour in the Field,
“And yeeld up life before one foot hee yeeld?
“No, dainty milk-sop, these would soon out dare him
“Hee must not fight, his Lady cannot spare him.

120

This said, this Court-Ape thought he was displayd
By that long private whispering we had made;
So, as one conscious of some special crime
Which this neat Youth had acted in his time,
He streight retir'd; To stay, none could intreat him,
Till that the Citie-Ape by chance did meet him.
Who after due salutes in seemly sort,
“As, Brother Ape, when will you come to Court
“To see a Maske; or, if you think not fit
“To come your self, your wife may visit it.
With equall thanks, his curt'sie to requite,
The Citie-Ape did tender him the like;
“If he unto the Exchange would but repair,
“And make his choice of such rare knacks were there.
The Court-Ape took his leave, his leave was light,
While th' Citie-Ape displaid him in my sight:
In comely habit, and of grave aspect;
Yet was there one thing I did disaffect,
Which to my view, was represented there,
And long ere this had cost the Citie deere.
For still me thought this Ape could ne're finde any
To consort with, though there were Consorts many,
But that same Ape of Honour, who did look
As if he meant to get into his Book;
Which was his aime, and therefore did embrace him
As his deer bosome friend; For so to grace him
Would, as he thought, be th'way to tye him to him;
To tye him! No, but rather to undo him.
Yet see this credulous conceited Ape,
He credits the protestations he doth make,

121

And to the utmost of his State he proffers
To give him trust, and he accepts his offers.
Nor skils it much what gain he means to reap,
“He that will never pay, gets ware good cheap.

These had not long confer'd, but I might see
A Country-Ape attyred flovenlie,
And he was ever poring on the ground,
“Counting how many pence came to a pound:
An Almanack he had within his brest,
On whose judicious Rules he set his rest;
For they did calculate (for so he thought)
Whether his Heire would thrive or come to nought.
He held no happie dayes were worthy naming,
But such as spake of some ensuing Famine;
Which having found, with ceremonious show
He kist the Book, and blest the Author too.
For this same Ape (as he appear'd to me)
Was for engrossing, biting Usurie,
And all oppression, so surpassing conning,
As all his Country had their handfulls on him.
Which other Apes observing, had displaid him
In worser terms before he had convei'd him;
But, by a private path or passage, he
Retyr'd himself, and gaind him libertie.
Thus did this Worme-sprout sheild him from their hate,
Or he had paid for wronging of the State.

Next him a Rotchet-Rooke, the slough of sloth,
Look'd as he had ten Steeples in his mouth:
For Silence had so charm'd this Moath of men,
As since he preach'd he could not tell day when,

122

Yet had this witlesse Bird-bolt so much reason,
That he could make himselfe a Diocesan,
By Symoniack-Contract, and dispence
(For an usurped Pale) with Conscience.
With great ones too He could insinuate,
Sow pillowes to their sleeves to'enhance his State.
Close to the poore was his penurious fist,
But for Church-livings a Monopolist.
For his Religion, howsoere he use it,
Hee's not so well resolv'd but he could chuse it;
Whether a Rhemist, Calvinist or Luther,
Or what fits his profession best, a Neuter.
Care of a wife and num'rous progeny
Excludes all rites or rules of sanctity.
Who for his family provides not well,
Is worse, you know, than any Infidell.
Yet this Levitick progeny, I wis,
Might be his Chaplains brood as well as his.
But still, me thought, this Porpoise could not keepe
His leaden eyes from falling fast asleepe.
For fumes of wine had so surpriz'd his braine,
After mid-day he could not wake for Spaine:
So as, me thought, I left him to his rest,
Leaning his drivling chin upon his brest.

Close as the shadow doth the body follow
Came in an Ape far wiser then Apollo,
Or all the Sages which renowned Greece,
If one could judge by outward semblances:
But still, me thought, as he assaid to breake
His mind, an Asthma would not let him speake.

123

Corruption did oppresse him out a cry,
With a black-jaundise which had seiz'd his eye.
Nor Arguments with him were worth a straw,
Unlesse they had relation to the Law.
Authors were Heathen Greeke and disallow'd,
Because they were not by him understood.
A rout of rag'd Law-drivers did attend him,
Which from a Bastinado did defend him,
But hee perswaded these to let them passe,
Tearming his Gowne his Supersedeas.
So heavy were his eyes, hee seem'd to mee
Surprized with some fearfull Lethargie,
Or by the Night-mare rid, or at some Show
An Epicureall Feast had made him so;
So as to bed his Followers did take him,
Enjoyning silence lest they should awake him.

Asleepe no sooner was the Synod-Ape,
But a grave reverend Sire his place did take;
His words were maxims, aphorisms profound,
Sententious morals, and positions sound,
His answers solid; if hee chanc't to jeast,
It was a pregnant Apothegm at least;
In briefe, so rarely wise hee did appeere,
Some Solon or Lycurgus seemed there.
And yet me thought his aymes did ever tend
More to a private then a publick end:
For hee had beene a Politician ever,
And could such rules of Policie deliver,
As I may sweare wheres'ever I have bin,
The Sages were but Novices to him.

124

Yet were his Axioms dang'rous to maintaine,
For hee did hold, No man could ever gaine
And hold concurrence with Religion too,
And therefore thought it best to make a show
Of what wee least professe, and to dispence
In State affaires, with Faith and Conscience.
“For if ye will be truly wise (quoth hee)
“Be what yee seem not; seem what least yee bee.
Now this Politicall time-studied Ape
Could soone transform himself to any shape;
For if with holy-men hee had to deale,
He could pretend a counterfeited zeale;
If with the Worldling, hee could worldly seeme,
And nothing lesse then of devotion dreame;
With the voluptuous hee could likewise share,
As if delight and pleasure were his care;
And, in a word, no humor doe I know,
Hee could not frame his pliant mind unto.

But ripe in age, discourse lul'd him asleepe,
While a scorch'd Ape did from a Limbeck creepe;
For hee in Chymick arts had spent his wit,
And yet had little got but smooke for it.
Hee of no Subject talk'd but still of one,
And hop'd at last to get th'unvalued Stone,
And Kellie-like, whose Art did Art surpasse,
Of Lattin Silver make, and gold of brasse;
Yea in his house hee would not leave a kettle
But should bee chang'd into the purest mettle.
For wit and wealth, poore Ape, were so bereft him,
As in his house a kettle scarce was left him.

125

This All-a-mist, or Apish Alchumist
Dream'd hee had both the Indies in his fist;
Golden-oar'd Tagus, Ganges, Pactolus,
Were held by him as meerly fabulous;
Out of one Caldron hee more gold could gather,
Then these rich shores were worth, or Indies either.
It was rare sport mee thought, to see him nod,
Strut like a stalking-horse, and point, and plod,
And laugh at his device as if h'ad found it,
When hee and all his shallow wits were grounded.
One day (quoth hee) Boyes, wee'll be passing merry,
When all the Candlesticks in Lothberrie
By my mysterious Art which I uphold,
Shall be transfused into Angel-gold,
Yea not a Spit, Jack, or Landiron there,
But like to Ophirs mettal shall appeare.
Thus hee discours'd, but prated little after
He saw the Apes were like to burst with laughter.
But specially 'mongst all the rest was One,
An unthriv'n meager Ape, but skin and bone,
Who with a Critick visage did deride
This Chymick Monkey more than all beside.
Nor was it rare; for he could ne're afford
Any amongst them all the least good word:
So tart he was and eager of his tongue,
As he would seldom speak, but he would wrong
Some in their name, fame, honour, or esteem;
And this his use and custom still had been.
Besides, on Palmestrie he was affected,
And by an Erra-Pater had collected

126

Some erring rules of Art, which he profest,
And in each Village made himself exprest.
Where he pretended rules Political,
Auspicious dayes, and seasons Critical;
And would sometimes three hours or longer stand,
Like an Egyptian, poring on a hand;
Where on the Lines he would large Cōments make,
Saying, This year you shall a Husband take,
A Courtier saies this Line; but I divine
You will play fast and loose in Progresse time.

But as this Critick did his tricks begin,
The Master of these Apes, me thought, came in;
At whose approach, submissively they bow them,
While I observ'd what he would doe unto them.
For, unto me, as one incens'd hee seem'd,
As if these Apes his pleasure had contemn'd,
Or plai'd some tricks which he did much dislike,
And therefore shewd as if he meant to strike.
At last, me thought, his Countenance grew smooth,
As surging Ocean after Tempests doth,
Causing them to be singled one by one,
While he, erected on a marble stone,
Used these words, as he their Weale did tender,
Which I, 'twixt sleep and wake doe well remember.

Come Jack an Apes, Come aloft, come aloft, for your Misters advantage:
Come, with your tricks get relief, or ye die, to my grief, in a skant age:
Show me what tricks ye have plaid while ye staid, be they weake, be they wittie,
In shadie Lawne, flourie Plaine, Country, Court, Vniversity, Cittie.

127

The Ape of Honour.

I must, and will; and as my rank is best,
In formost rank I'le make my self exprest.
Since I plai'd tricks it's now the 13th Sūmer,
In which my aime was still to purchase honour.
Where e're I saw one held in more esteem
Then I my self, I vented streight my spleen
Upon his person, and would labour too
(As much as lay in me) his overthrow.
I could not brook Corrivals; yea my heart
Did swell with grief to see men of desert
Respected where I sojourn'd, for I fear'd
My fortunes should be raz'd, if theirs were rear'd.
This caus'd me plot and practise some device
To move the State, their service to despise;
Suggesting how these men were Popular,
And though their course of life seem'd regular,
Their studie was but how to broach division,
And gain them titles suiting their ambition.
Or else, I made a shew of love unto them;
And told them, this retirement would undo them;

128

It were more fit for them to be imploy'd
In State-affairs, in which all good men joy'd,
Then burie those choice parts wch Nature gave them
In airie hopes, which quickly would deceive them.
Now if they chanc't to follow my advice,
My taske was still to crosse their enterprize
By undervaluing what they had effected,
That by the State they might be lesse respected.
Thus did my Honour take more true delight
In thwarting of some rising Favorite,
Whose blooming hopes were now to ripenesse growing,
Then if my own Estate were overflowing;
“For, like to Jacks mov'd in a Virginall,
“I thought ones rising was anothers fall.

But now, secure of these, my Coach I took,
Where I perus'd a little Table-book,
Wherein such Citizens recorded be
As were to lend me Coine, or credit me
For such commodities as I did want,
And these my Honour hugg'd, these did I hant.
Having now got my purpose, straight I'de flee them,
And though they knockt, my Lordship would not see them.
My Honour was my Sanctuary made,
And by Protection all my debts were paid.
For if I grant Protection to another
To Conicatch, or to defeat his brother,
My shallow Sconce is run on no such Shelfe
As to neglect Protection for my selfe.
And yet some Apes I had were my delights,
And these were Sycophants and Parasites,

129

Who would so humor me, as I protest
No meat without them could I well digest.
From these I had directions for my pace,
Look, habit, speech, to adde a greater grace
Or lustre to my Honour; so as I
Would set my Count'nance to look scornfully
On these inferiour Vulgars, whose estate
My Honour scorn'd once to commiserate:
For I have ever held it derogation
To men of place, to harbour this compassion.
In forain Courts I ever Leaguers had
Who did inform me, were they nere so bad,
What projects States-men use to gain esteeme,
And eagerly I still observed them.
For this same Idol Honour was the Saint
Which I ador'd, and for whose Shrine I meant,
Rather then by my weaknesse it should fall,
To hazard Body, State, Renown, and all.

For my She-Ape, I mean my plumed Ladie,
Our loves were both indifferent as may be;
For either heat of Summer, or for hate
To Nuptial servitude, or for more state,
Though we did plead distemper of the wether,
Seldome or never lay we both together.
For this my Leaguers told me forain States
Observ'd, and this my Honour imitates.
Yet did my Lady play me once a trick,
Pretending on a day, that she was sick,
So as a Doctor might be sent for streight,
(Lucina rather, for to make her light)

230

For first news that I heard, God send me joy,
My Fates had blest me with a goodly Boy;
Yet might I eaten all my part of him,
without committing any mortal sin.
But yet I seem'd to joy much in the Lad,
As if he hed been mine, and I his Dad;
Whereas in truth, I probably could gather,
My Page, and not my Honour, was his Father.
All these could I dispence with as light Crimes,
Being scarce held for errors in these times,
Provided that my Lady look unto it,
And thenceforth sought more secretly to do it.
For well I knew, if I divorce did wish,
I could procure 't for lesser faults then this;
But much I doubted, she would turn flat Rorer,
And doe as other some had done before her,
Taxe my debility since she was wedded,
Which foul aspertion would have split my credit.
But now the Wagg is grown a Boy of prize,
Inur'd to ev'ry Lordly exercise;
Though in the height of all his hopes I doubt
Such Bastard-slips will never take deep root.

Now must I shew, to make my self displaid
In University, what tricks I plai'd.
If any Dunse had but desire to skip
To the preferment of a Fellowship,
Were he ne're so uncapable of it,
I was a means that he the place might git;
Provided that his Parents made him way,
And for his insufficiency would pay.

131

Then thick as haile-shot did my Letters go
To such a Doctor and She-Doctor too,
That as he tendred the respect I bore him,
He should prefer none to this place before him
Whom in my Letters I had so commended,
Thus was my Suit effectually ended.
And reason good they had to yeeld consent,
And in my Suits to give me all content,
For now and then some notice would I send them
Of such a late fallen Living, or Commendam,
Which I resolv'd, such was my zealous care,
To give to them whose lives most blamelesse were.
Though all my aimes were rather to procure
Gaine to my self, were th'means nere so impure,
Then place such men, whose life and conversation
Deserv'd my love with choicest approbation.
In Country too, had I my Tarriers laid,
By whose Intelligence such tricks were plaid,
As I may swear, when I doe think upon them
I needs must laugh, so nimbly have I don them.
When I did heare One had desire to get
Unto the title of a Baronet,
Or that his itching humor did aspire
To leap to Knight before he was Esquire;
By these my Tarriers I made known unto him,
I'de doe him all the kindenesse I could do him,
But for the price of Honour, it was more
By means of some occurrents then before;
Besides, he should have some additions granted,
Which all his former honour'd Neighbours wanted.

132

And thus I soakt my spungie Knight, that he
Might honour gain to cope with Beggerie.

Again, if any one within our Nation
Had a desire to get a Toleration
In matters of Religion, I'de procure
He might enjoy his Conscience so secure
As none should trouble him; provided, he
Did but observe and keep true touch with me.
And yet would I, enforc't sometimes by want,
Practise right closely with a Pursivant
To ferret him, and get a composition,
And yet this Act ne're mov'd me to Contrition.
But much abridg'd our profit now of late is
Since Papists may have Tolerations gratis.
Have Tolerations! no, that time is past,
Since hope to match with Spain is wholy dasht:
Anselme and Wright are now return'd again,
And left the English pale to visit Spain.
Yea, our State-Agents carefully have sought
That th'Spanish Legat to account be brought,
Whether he hath (for this they seek to know)
Exceeded his Commission, or no.
If this report be true, Shavelins adieu,
The State intends but little good for you.
But I doe heare a motion like to be,
Which, I confesse, doth much distemper me;
But rather then the State consent unto it,
I will by all means labour to undo it.
And it is this, Some Protestants complain,
But their complaints, I hope, will be in vain,

133

That they are almost weary of their lives,
They pay so much for th'Conscience of their wives.
The light of Protestancie darts upon us,
And drives two hundred fiftie five Priests from us.
Which to redress, they crave (as doth become them)
The State would take commiseration on them:
Which, in good sadnesse, I must needs confesse,
Deserves, in each mans judgement, due redresse:
For it doth little stand with Conscience,
That th'husband he should pay for th'wifes offence,
Seeing among them there's scarce one of seven,
That by their Husbands will be lead or driven.
But what's all this to me, though they fare worse,
I aime not at their Conscience, but their Purse.
In brief, were he Monopolist, or any
Who to enrich himself undoeth many;
Were he Engrosser, who, if he may serve
His own base turn, cares not how many sterve;
Were he Forestaller and Regrater too,
Whose use is all our Merkets to undo,
Made he recourse to me, he might alledge,
By vertue of my powerfull priviledge,
His Liberty, whats'ever should befall,
In spite of any Justice of them all.

Thus like a nimble Honour-prizing Ape,
I have transform'd my self to ev'ry shape;
That by this means I might insinuate
By secret paths, into anothers state,

134

And so support mine own, which would decline
If others were not props to bear up mine.
Now when I'me dead, some by my Tombe will pass,
And say perchance, Here lyes Pherecidas,
Venting aspersions on me as they please,
As that I di'de some lousie vile disease,
Or of some State-Impostume swoln so big
It had no cure but dy a Spanish Fig,
Or scorcht with some outlandish Tinder-box,
Di'de eaten by the Bubo, Piles, or Pox.
Thus must my styles and titles be forgotten,
And rot on Earth, as I on Earth was rotten.
Thus all lifes pleasure's but a bussing game,
Which leaves us liqu'risher then when we came:
Some glim'ring raies of honour we may get,
Which once obscur'd, streight is our Summer set.
But this I seldom think on, I've no time,
Mine aime is to advance these Imps of mine,
Whose shade shall spread so broad, as none may doubt
But they're derived from a spatious root.
Now I referre it to your self to show
Whether your Ape deserve not praise or no.

Vid. Tract entituled, The Foot out of the Snare, in his Catalogue of Popish Priests names.

135

The Ape of Pleasure.

Is it not strange to heare this Cock-horse Lord,
Who has a Branched forehead on my word,
Thus magnifie himself, when I his Page,
And at that time scarce sixteen years of age,
Was more respected by his youthfull Madam
For two yeaes space, then all the time she had him!
What Masks, what Shews, what Enterludes could be
Contenting to her self withouten me?
What late Reere-bankets could delight afford
Without her Page, farre deerer then her Lord?
And yet this burnish'd Idol, whose esteeme
Consists in this, That he doth precious seeme
In eye of Vulgars, whose conceits appeare
In prizing men by th'Garments which they weare,
Preferres that Fame which Fondlings have of him
Before that place of Honour he is in.
But what concerns this me? 'tis my delight,
And in this doe I glory, that the night
Hath spread her Curtains close, as one at leasure
To tender all content to th' Ape of Pleasure.

136

See, See, young Messalina how her eye
Assures me shee affects varietie!
Her once admired Lord grows out a date,
So as her love is turned into hate.
“For choicest cates may minister delight
“At first, but after, cloy the appetite.
But lest those tricks which I have plaid, should seem
Weake in respect of what this Lords have been,
Though I be young and want experience,
As one directed by a youthfull sense;
I can as Apish bee as others are,
Yea and for honesty as little care
As any Suburbs trader, whose sole aime
Is by pollution to inhance their gaine.
For three whole Yeeres I have imploy'd my time
In reading baudie Boccace, Aretine,
With those ripe Sibaritick merriments,
Which our Court-Ladies hold for ornaments
Of an unvalued price, they are so wittie,
And these I read in Country, Court and Cittie.
But in the Court when I a Comment made,
More they conceiv'd then I discours'd or said;
For a grave Lady standing by the pew
Where I my Lecture red, did forthwith shew
More grounded Rules for th' Subject that I chused
Then all my wanton Consorts ere had vsed.
So as desiring much to know her name,
Shee haughtily replyed, “Of publique fame,
“Whose Love-attractive Beauty had obtain'd
“More high-priz'd booties then ere woman gain'd.

137

“Nor be my hopes extinguish'd by my age,
“For I have One (quoth shee) my prety Page,
“Who would be loath for to degenerate
“Eyther in heat of love or height of State.
“And though her Honour, Lustre, and Esteeme
“Be not so great as sometimes it hath beene,
“Yet her experience with my discipline
“Hath train'd her so in postures of this time;
“As scarce that Lady is in Europe bred
“Who by her Lecture is not bettered.
“This I admir'd, which shee observing told me,
“While shee about my middle did enfold me,
“That if I sought employment in that kind,
“Shee could a place of entertainment find,
“So I would secret be and not discover
“The slie effects of some intrusive Lover.
“For wee (quoth shee) who feed imagination
“With hope, till meanes bring hope to recreation,
“May in our sleepes our waking thoughts disclose;
“Now Boy (said shee) if you were one of those
“Who publish to the world what they doe heare,
“You might destroy our reputation cleare,
“And make our names such Emblems of disgrace,
“As wee might seeme unworthy of our place.
“For what if I should send to such a Lord,
“That in the Ev'ning hee would keepe his word,
“And in th' appointed place or arbour seat him,
“Where I resolv'd assuredly to meete him;
“While you, corrupted by some friend of mine,
“Acquaints him with this meeting, place, and time?

138

“Would this shew well in you, seem fair to him,
“To see one weare the prize which he did win?
“Again, we Ladies many secrets have,
“Which in our Pages secrecy doe crave;
“For we have Chamber-motives of delight,
“Powders to cause men love us at first sight,
“Amorous Broths, and cordial Receits,
“Love-drawing Lures, and fancy-forcing baits,
“That our unbounded pleasures may be fed
“With same desire as they were nourished.
“Again perhaps, such may our humors be,
“(Sith want of change begets satietie,)
“Wee'l daigne sometime our Pages to be tasters
“Of such choice Cates are due unto their Masters.
“Now would not this your secrecy deserve
“When you may them enjoy, whom you doe serve?
This proffer tendred; “Madam, replyed I,
“You need not doubt your Pages secrecy,
“(If you so please to terme me;) I have bin
“For Ladies Secrets ever train'd therein
“Since my first infancy, and was thought fit
“(So present and so pregnant was my wit)
“To carrie divers messages among them,
“Yet was I never taxed once to wrong them.
“Oft by a private Entrie have I brought
“One to my Lady, yet suspected nought;
“For, in a Night-Gown, womanly arraid,
“I took him for some Ladies Chamber-maid,
“So as I took in hand at all aventer
“To ope the dore, that he might freely enter.

139

“Among the rest One was I sometime toward,
“Who was so peevish, testie, and so froward,
“As shee in nothing took more free delight
“Then to become her Husbands opposite.
“If he at any time should make resort
“Unto the Countrey, she was for the Court;
“Were he for Court, she to the Countrey went,
“For contradiction was her Element.
“Yet, which is rare, this peevish willfull thing
“Was much addicted still to wantoning,
“So as, amidst the heat of all her rage,
“Nought could allay her furie but her Page.

Thus I the progresse of my life did tell,
Which this grave Lady liked passing well;
Wherefore, concluding with one joynt consent
To leave the Court, I with my Lady went,
Where I presented was some sennight after,
As a rich bootie, to her lovely Daughter;
Who did so much affect me, she thought meet
To lodge me nightly at her own bed feet.
None would she suffer scarcely to approach,
Or take her hand to bring her to her Coach,
But only I; none would she else admit
To hold her chat, or in her Coach to sit:
I was her Ingle, Gue, her Sparrow bill,
And in a word, my Ladies what you will.
How many Ev'nings Coached she and I
With Curtains drawn, that none might us espie?
But now grown weak, when I should be rewarded,
For want of strength I was by her discarded.

140

Meane time, had I occasion to remain
Here in the Citie, hoping to regain
That estimation which I late had lost,
But by a litle Monkey was I crost,
Who in short time into such credit crept,
As ever since he with my Lady slept.
But see my fate! through my too sumptuous port,
While I remain'd in presence of the Court,
Hoping my Love-sick Lady would supply
What ere I spent by prodigality,
I was attach'd, and in the Counter throwne,
Yet lesse disgrac'd, because I was not knowne.
Where I sojourn'd some fortnight space and more,
Till a rich Drapers wife did me restore,
Whose former knowledge me enfranchised,
With whom I shortly after married:
For having solemniz'd her Widow rites
By space of fifteen tedious winter nights,
It pleas'd her to make choice of such an one
That might supply the place of him that's gone.
And now I live as free from thought or care
As those who have in fortune highest share:
My pleasure is my treasure, whose delight
Extends it self from morning unto night.
Sometime I hunt the Hare, sometimes I spare
The earth, to take my pleasure in the aire,
Where my skie-soaring Falcon makes his way,
Lessning himselfe till he has got his pray.
Sometimes my House and Garden use to yeeld
As much content as doth the spatious Feeld,

141

For there at Bowles, at Tables, or at Chesse
My wearied spirits use I to refresh:
Yea in an Arbor have I made a Caul,
Wherein's an Ape I brought from Portingal,
A nimble thing, so tutord and so tame
As it can play at any kinde of Game.
At Chesse it knows where th'Bishops place should be,
With all the Grooms that keep him companie.
And it will laugh, so wittie is the Wagg,
To see them put together in a bagg,
Wondring that He who held a Bishops roome
Should play Check-mate with his inferiour Groome.
Thus doe I sport, thus doe I passe the time,
For pleasures are those purchases of mine,
Which I the most affect and most admire,
To feede with oyle the flame of my desire.
Onely my Wife, since her rich Draper dide
To me espous'd, seeks to be Ladifide;
Which honour I have got her, with a Crest
To make mine honour anciently exprest:
Wherein I hold the Herald did me right
In finding for my Coat a Marmosite,
Whose nature is, (so farre doth lust prevail,)
For want of better food, to eate his taile.
Thus have you heard my whole discourse at large,
How I have wasted been in Pleasures Barge,
Where I have fed and feasted on such store,
As Surfeits make me I can feed no more.
For as variety begets delight,
Delight begets a moving appetite:

142

So pleasures tride, like snow-balles melt to nothing,
And end their longing with an endlesse lothing.

The Ape of Vaine-glory

Display, display those Annals and Records
Of time renouned Heroes, Peeres and Lords,
Their Actions, their Designes; and you shall see
These Apes are imitators but of mee.
For what have they by resolution won,
What Conquest have they got, what have they don?
Hath Fame erected Trophies in their praise,
Or girt their Temples with triumphant Bayes?
Are Statues rear'd to memorize their worth,
With all those Acts Antiquity brought forth?
Trophies, Bayes, Statues adde no longer time
To their exploits then Fame hath done to mine.
In Court while I reside, I shew such State
Even in my Nod, my Countenance and Gate,
As there is none that casts their eye upon me
But sayes that Garbe doth properly become me.
If at the Justs I chance to breake a speare,
Methinks the Ladies eyes are fixed there;
Whose approbations gaine me more renowne,
Then Leaves can make exprest, or Colours showne.

143

Among my Consorts, Letters doe I show
From State of Venice and from others too,
To me directed, as one whom they deeme
Of choyce, select, and principal esteeme.
Though I to Venice never travell'd yet
But caus'd these Letters to be counterfet.
The great Mogol that Title cannot crave,
Which on my selfe conferr'd I would not have;
For as my aymes are onely popular,
So is my substance meerely titular.
With Ladies of accomplish'd qualitie,
Ranke, and descent, I hold concurrencie:
From whom if I a favour chance to git,
I glory in the purchasing of it,
Vowing and vanting, not the wealth of th'Land
Should ransome such a bootie at my hand.
If I doe any worke, as few I doe,
I'de have the world take notice of it too.
In publique Entertainments I would be
Observ'd sole Heire of liberalitie;
Which to expresse, this onely taske is mine,
To make our City-Conduits run with wine,
Scramble Cakes, Wafers, Suckets in the streete,
And tread whole carts of Bisket under feete.
Farre more affection have I to bestow
My bounty on some publique Antick show,
So I may have my name endors'd at large,
That it was reared at my proper charge,
Then building of a Church, or any use
Which simple people terme religious:

144

These works I hate, and all that doe begin them,
For their hot zeale show too much Conscience in them.
Like Jove in Danaes lap my gold I shoure,
When I invite some great Embassadour,
Where at one Supper I doe more bestow
Then to defray, my Lordship knoweth how.
And by this meanes I seeke to gaine esteeme
Where this great Legate and his Lords have been;
Though they perchance deride mee and my aymes,
And with a french-frump gratifie my paines.
Of all, there is no act delighteth us
So much as that of brave Herostratus,
Who to gaine glory made himselfe exemple,
In setting fire upon Dianas Temple.
Neither shall Nero's glory e're expire,
Who playd on's Lute while Rome was all a fire,
Sending wild beasts into the publick streete,
Such to devoure as they withall should meete.
So as, 'twixt fire and feare, amaz'd they run,
Feeling the one, while they the other shun.
In all my time, I never have desir'd
(Such my ambition was) to live retir'd,
For that I thought would gaine mee no respect,
The only object which I did affect;
So as my choice was ever to resort
Neere to the Sunne, the Mansion of the Court;
Where others correspondence kept with mee,
As self-conceited too as I could bee.
Yet for exchange, because I had desire
That vulgar eyes my presence should admire,

145

Unto the City daign'd I to approach,
Never without six Jennets in my Coach:
Where, if encountring any, I use ever
To presse salutes with motion of my Bever.
To breath the common ayre, or walke the streete,
Or entertaine discourse with those I meete
I hold it derogation; yet to show
I prize my friend, I'll give a nod or so;
For hee that will not on his postures stand,
And prove his education from the Strand
By carriage of his bodie, I doe hold
(Howos'ere he be in Honors-booke enrol'd)
Hee's but a Goard that doth his Leaves display
By one nights growth, and withers on the day.
Yet in the entertainment of a friend,
Though I seeme nice, if he have pow'r to lend,
Or yeeld supply to my necessity,
I will admit him my Society.
Though from familiarity exempt,
For that begets in us too much contempt.
Now th' practise I have ever used, when
I would perswade some wealthy Citizen
To lend mee money to supply my want,
With ayrie hopes I feed my Cormorant;
Telling him how by reason of my place,
I ev'ry day have Offices in chace;
Which if he free the Bonds that I am in,
I will not stand much to bestow on him.
Againe, 'mongst all my retinue, no knave
But knowes the styles and titles that I have;

146

For such my pleasure is, that ev'ry Rogue
Within my Sculrie have a Catalogue
Of all my Titles; which, they doe pretend
Were given to mee for some especiall end;
Whence these obsequious Shadows that attend mee,
Perswade my Creditors great sums to lend mee;
Alledging how by reason of my power,
It is a credit to my Creditor
To gain esteeme with such an one as mee,
Whose many Styles proclaim his dignitie.
Besides, if any injur'd by my men
By taking up commodities of them,
Shall sue their Bonds for payment such a day,
Which, I'm resolv'd, they never meane to pay,
With number of my Styles they so apall
Their Creditors, they let their Action fall;
For so upon my greatnesse they doe stand,
They feare no right is gotten at their hand.
Nay more, their Creditors may seeme so fond,
That they will plead an Error in the Bond:
For, as it may by specialty appeare,
They unto such a Lord retayners were;
Which Style, as now it seemes, is wholly drownd,
And higher Titles for his Lordship found;
Whose Style being chang'd, avoids their former state,
“Their Master is not same as Bond beares date.
So as his Title eyther must bee same,
Or else there is an Error in their claime.
Thus doe I flourish, and my followers too,
As free from debt as those that nothing owe;

147

Nor owe wee ought, wee may bee bold to say,
For they are said to owe that meane to pay.
But that I may ith'City keepe a quarter,
Ile promise them for to enlarge their Charter
With this addition; Any Citizen,
Having so many yeers a free-man been,
Though he be able for estate, may breake,
And have Protection granted if hee seeke;
Provided that he pay yeerly revenue
To me, to mine, or one of my retinue.
Thus doe I lure my City-birds unto 't,
With hope of that I nere can bring about.
Somtime, for change, the Country ayre I chuse,
Where my well-seated ancient Mannor-house
Joyes in my presence; I've no sooner shown mee
Then all the Country-Gentry come upon mee;
Whose presence choice of presents straight begets
Of Phesants, Pigeons, Pluvers, Caponets,
All which come to my Cooke humbly beseeching
They may supply provision of his Kitchin.
Next day a stall-fed Oxe sent by a knight,
And hee resolves to suppe with mee at night,
Which, though it were discourt'sie to deny him,
Yet when he comes, seen am I scarcely by him:
For strangeness sutes with greatnes, which may seeme
To gain to us more popular esteeme.
Now for my house, delightfull is the Site,
The base-Court pav'd with colour'd Porphyrite,
Where two faire Statues curious as may be,
One for my selfe, another for my Ladie

148

Erected are, with Columns reered high,
Which force an admiration to the eye
Of the Beholder, and their state is such,
The golden-Calfe was nere ador'd so much.
As for my House, it's open unto all,
And they for Beere or any thing may call;
Yet have I so provided, though they crave it,
My Buttry-hatch is shut, they cannot have it.
In Country-Musters, it's some Taske of mine
To take survey of all their discipline,
And teach them what those martial-postures be,
Traines, Stratagems, and feats of policie;
Though, for my knowledge, I doe freely grant,
That I in these am wholly ignorant;
For I may sweare I never yet conferd
With any one of all th' Artil'ry-yard.
Yet joy I much to heare the vulgar say,
A braver Leader never did display
His Colours in the field, for I'm the man
Would seeme more to the world then I am.
In my discov'ry further to proceede,
Excuse mee Fellow Apes, I shall not neede,
For few or none in Albions-Court there are
But they doe know my fashions to a hare:
Nor am I such a Snake to cast my slough,
My Titles make mee Great, and that's enough.

149

The Ape of Fancy.

Doe but admire me, it is all I crave,
For as I love my selfe, so would I have
All ravish'd with my presence, wch obtain'd
I have attain'd the Port at which I aym'd.
For if Narcissus, selfe-conceited Elfe,
Did love himselfe by looking on himselfe,
I cannot see, my beauty beeing such,
But I may like and love my selfe as much.
But that yee may the better understand
My education, Race, Descent, and Land,
Where I was borne, where bred, and how I came,
I will acquaint you briefly with the same.
Some will not stick to call mee forraine brat,
But I were mad if I'de be mov'd at that,
For I doe know I am no Forrainer
But a right nat'ral English Ilander;
For even my disposition tells me so
Through selfe-conceite which I am subject to.
Yea I'le tell truth, how ere ye wonder at me,
A Courtier of a Succubus begat me,
From whom such secret night-works have I learn'd,
As what I doe can never be discern'd.

150

In a Court-entry darke of purpose made
Fit for encounter am I oft-times laid,
Where I enjoy a prey as rich as may be,
And for the Maid encounter with her Ladie;
Which she, such rare humility suites honour,
Receives as freely as is put upon her.
I must make one in every Maske and Show,
Or our Court-ladies care not for't a Stro;
For I'me their Ape of Fancy, whose delight
Doth please them more then any Marmosite.
If I finde any Lady discontent,
I can prescribe a cure incontinent,
And with an active application too
Use farre more art then other Apes can doe.
For bee't Green-sicknesse, which few Madams have,
Or Honours Phrensie, which will make them rave,
Bee't the Scotoma, or the Night-mare ride them,
Their cure's soone wrought if I may lye beside them.
Pills have I store and choice Confections too,
Which on my Patients freely I bestow,
Not like our base impostur'd Mountebanke
Whose ayme's to sell for gaine and not for thanke.
Free is my bounty and so well approv'd,
As in Court, City, Country I am lov'd,
The Trophies of whose favour I doe weare
About my wrest, my Hat-band and my eare.
For be she Lady conversant in Court,
To her as to my Shrine I make resort,
And with such Apish complement accost her,
As she's surprized with my Courtly posture.

151

To th' Cent we goe, where we at Cent-foot play,
By which our hidden meanings we bewray.
Her Feather for a Favour doe I carrie,
While she protests if she were now to marrie,
The Ape of Fancy should enjoy her heart,
And this contenteth me, and so we part.
Againe, sometimes unto the Burse I go,
Of purpose there to take a turne or two;
Not to make choyce of any new thing there,
But to survey what beauty might appeare
Most gratefull to mine eye; and there I find
A pliant nature sorting with my mind.
A Widow-Wife, whose absent Husband gives
Accesse to world of Suiters, and she lives
No lesse observ'd then fancied; yet her wit
So smoothly and demurely carries it,
As she preserves her fame so unsuspected,
As more she acts the more she is respected.
All which proceedes, as probably may seeme,
In that she trades with men of choyce esteeme,
Who ferret-like still sport them in her Burrow,
With whom she revells it the ev'ning thorow.
Though I confesse ingenuously my shame,
That on a time I lay upon her name
Such deepe aspersion, as it did surpasse
The compasse of redresse, and thus it was.
“Upon a day withouten companie,
“I went to cheape a rich commoditie;
“Heere and there sought I this, but in a word
“Not any shop in Rurse could like afford

152

“As this faire Curtezans, who seemed nice,
“As if shee would not sell't at any price;
“For know (quoth shee) this stands not here for Sale,
“But only set to grace the Shop withall.
“This answer did not please me, for my fortune
“Did promise me, that if I would importune
“Or press my suit, hows'ere her brest seem'd steel'd
“By hot assault she could not chuse but yeeld.
“On this foundation grounded, I did show her
“How much respect I ever tendred to her,
“So as no fancy could be more exprest
“Then th'faithfull service I to her profest.
“And know (deere Love) such is my present state
“As I will buy this Gem at any rate,
“Rather then lose what I esteeme so much,
“The boundlesse limits of my Love is such.
“Besides, it will no derogation be
“To cast the eye of your respect on me,
“For I may grace you more then any other,
“Both by my own means and my high-priz'd brother,
“Whose rising-fortunes gaine him that esteeme
“As blest are they that may but follow them.
“So moving was this lovely Rhetorick,
“As it began to touch her to the quick;
“Silent shee was, Silence implies consent,
“Whence I perceiv'd my profer gave content:
“For there was noughr that wrought so much upō her
“As when I gave her notice of mine honour,
“And that my Lordship would reward her more
“Then all her Silken-guls had done before.

153

“For these Court-punies, What could they effect
“That might deserve the height of her respect?
“These are but great-mens-shadowes at the best,
“Who sute themselves with shreds of interest,
“Learne to looke big, and keep their postures too,
“But which of these has money to bestow
“On his affected Mistresse, whose repaire
“Must not rely on Castles in the ayre?
“Yea, which of these, how ere they seeme to prate,
“Dare whet their knife neer to the Counter-gate?
“Such gilded Puppets are these Courtly-Apes
“Who gull faire Idols with deceiving shapes.
“Having obtain'd my Suit, I made exprest
“By bounteous gifts, the Love which I profest,
“So as 'mongst all paid tribute to her beauty,
“I was the man to whom shee tenderd duty
“With most observance; But behold my fancy
“Grew in the end distempred with a Phrensy,
“So as I could not any thing conceale,
“But 'mongst the rest told how I had to deale
“With this fresh amorous Bursan, and what rate
“Shee priz'd the traffick of her body at;
“So as in briefe (so far had reason crost me)
“I told my wife how deere that pleasure cost me.
“Shee, though I was distemperd, did apply it
“To her conceit, and thought in time to try it;
“Which on a day, her Lady-mother being
“Of her opinion, and in one agreeing,
“With jealous thoughts, they to this Sempster go,
“To try if this report weee true or no.

154

“The Shop descride, these subtle Syrens take
“Their walk by her, Shee asking what they lack,
“Little suspecting (simple Soule) that they
“Should in those shapes her secret crimes display.
“Shew us some Ruffs, quoth one, of choicest fashion,
“Spanish, Italian, or some other nation,
“As the Venetian; where no Country can
“Compare in State unto their Curtezan.
“Chiefest & choycest of her Ruffs she shows them,
“For she presumes (so perfectly she knows them)
“That none would give content but such were best,
“Though worse would serv for such a thankles guest
“Choice doe they make of such as best doe like,
“And at a price they now begin to strike;
“What shee demands they give, but pay, they said,
“Was more then needs, Shee was already paid.
“By whom/ (said she?) By such a noble Lord,
“Who hath engag'd his honor and his word,
“That such a time and place, what would you more?
“Just to this Sum he paid you long before
“Shee (modest Matron) guilty of the Bill,
“Stood as a Statue, silent, husht and still;
“Yet with Vermilion tinctures shee displaid
“That such a Sum had beene by mee defraid:
“Which they observing, left her sore perplexed
“Through my distemper, thus impeach'd & vexed.
After, by meanes of Physick and good diet,
My Phrentick humor grew to be more quiet;
So as when they did any time upbraid
Or tax mee now with that which I had said,

155

I straight recanted that which I had spoken,
But femal spleen is not so soon forgotten;
For those aspersions though I did disclaime,
Imputing them to th'weaknesse of my braine,
My Lady-mother will not let mee gad,
But keeps mee still restrain'd, as I were mad;
So as the cause why I can scarcely know
My friends, is this, my Lady makes mee so.
One have I heard speak in my forlorne roome,
“A madder Lord is not in Christendome,
But hee may thanke his genius for it
And not his honour, if he have more wit.
Now all the tricks which I must henceforth play
Are few or none, for I poor Ape must stay,
Like to a starved Snake or drouzie Drone,
With house-Baboons and Marmosites at home;
Unlesse I goe sometimes unto a Wake,
Where I such Stoicks for my Consorts take,
As Rumford, Ratcliffe, Hallowell can show,
For these are farthest Wakes I goe unto,
My Tutors be so strict, unlesse by chance,
About a May-pole I dare hardly dance,
Or give a wench a green-gown on the grasse,
So much the time is chang'd from what it was.
Only (kind-Bearward) rests it in your pow'r
To make mee free as any Emperour;
Whereby you may redresse my present wrong,
And make mee merry as the day is long.

156

The Ape of Fashion.

Fashion thou art mine Idol, Pride my Prize,
My glass, my globe, my corpse, my Sacrifice,
Which I one day must offer to the Mace,
For cloath a silver, scarlet and gold-lace.
Twelve yeers and more I have a Trav'ler been
In France and Italy, where I have seen
Variety of fashions, whose rich fraught
I now, at last, have to my Countrey brought;
For I was he that did the first discover
Your Saffron yolkie band, & brought it over;
Your paned doublet, and penurious breech
Were undescride, till I began to teach
The rudiments of Art, nor have I lost
All by my voyage, though it deerly cost.
For now admires each Gallant my invention,
And gratifies mee with a standing Pension;
Four Spanish-Mares have I to carrie me,
With all accoutrements so properlie,
As in more state himselfe he cannot beare
Who may dispend ten thousand pound by yeare.
Now to acquaint you where I make resort,
My residence is for most part at Court;

157

Where I such tricks as I bring over, show
To such, whose dispositions I do know
Most itching after novelties, and these
Ile pawne my life, that I shall quickly please.
For give these noble Courtiers their due,
If th'fashion I present them with be new,
They care not how ill-favord it appeare,
For they would be observed what they weare;
Nor is it decency that they respect,
For we shall see a kinde of strange neglect
In our apparell gaine us more esteeme,
Then those who in their clothes more punctual seeme.
As for example, let our cloaks fall downe
Upon left shoulder, or go sweep the Roome
In a neglectfull fashion, with sleeves drawne
Up to the elbow, to descry the Laune
Or Cambrick shirts wee weare, unbutton'd too,
That our lac'd Linnen may more neatnesse show,
With points untruss'd, as if wee did not care
For pride so much as for the subtle ayre:
And wee, by this, shall more observance git,
Then if, with ginger pace wee minsed it.
Of all those servants that I entertaine,
A Tayler and a Broker bee the men
I most esteeme, and where I most relide,
Though I have many hangers on beside;
For th'one with new-clothes still renues my state,
The other broaks such clothes are out of date.
And howsoere some people doe condemne
These Brokers for unconscionable men,

158

I know them to be bounteous and kind,
For if you leave in paune your Suit behind,
You shall be sure, so freely will he show him,
To find more on it then you gave unto him.
Nor is my Tayler such a man of sin
As some young cheated-gulls would make of him;
For what's the cause they beare such hate unto him?
'Tis this forsooth, he hath his Hell below him.
If this procure their hate, it doth behove them
To finde out some that have their Hell above them.
I must confesse hee will od-shreds conceale,
But that's a small fault in our Common-weale,
For, in our State, some greater-Theeves there bee
Whom none dare tax, yet steale far more then hee.
Hee one Command'ment breaks and so doth fall,
But these State-sharks infringe not one, but all.
Now for the place where I do most frequent,
Court, City, Country, are my continent;
Where, to the garbe of every place I live,
And such a forme of fashion use to give,
As there is none who would not imitate
The fashion I affect at any rate.
Which joyes mee much to see an humerous Lord,
Whose formal habit only doth afford
A personal esteeme, so mad to bee,
As in an Apish garb to second mee.
But I in change can vie with none of them,
Which makes mee curry favor with their men,
Who set their Lordships-wardrope at a sale,
From whence I hooke some Suit bee't nere so stale,

159

Which I reduce to fashion by my wit,
And this their Lord admires and followes it.
For little knowes he, when he notes my fashion,
That from his Wardrope it receiv'd translation;
Where if hee knew what to my selfe is knowne,
Hee would be loth to imitate his owne.
I have likewise a Venice dame brought over,
Whom our Court-Ladies eye, and eying love her;
For choyce attyres shee labours to invent,
Mixing with English Venice complement:
So as no Curtezan observeth there
Ought worthy note, but's nat'ralized here.
Rounding of haire, short-wasted doublets too,
Steeletto-pockets are stale fashions now;
“Inventions Mint must goe both night and day,
“No matter though our money-Mint doe stay.
Long was I bringing of a work about
A Looking-glasse, to view from head to foot,
Before, behind, so as my very Spur
Could scarcely move but I might see it stur.
And this invention gain'd mee much esteeme,
Chiefly 'mongst such who most deformed seeme,
Whose crooked shapes, if they perfection lack,
I could applie a levell to their back;
Whose equall feature by th' reflecting-glasse,
Made them admire themselves as they did passe.
And to some Ladies much deform'd, of late
I have prescrib'd another choyce receite,
Which now for modesty I will omit,
Because Cornelius-tub produceth it.

160

Nor is my Venice-urinal so brittle,
Though she felt once the furnace of the Spittle,
But shee demurely can observe all times,
And with her Saintly outside cover crimes.
So as the City beares her such affection,
Shee's only thought the first to give direction
For matters of discourse, attyre, behaviour,
Striving among themselves who may receive her
With most extended bounty; yet will shee
Requite their boundlesse liberalitie
With Husbands ruine (she has vow'd to do't)
And with excesse of Charge to bank her out.
For goe they but to Rumford to a feast,
Their clothes proclaim them Ladies at the least,
Though all that while, their wronged-husbands spare it,
And satisfie their hunger with a Carret.
Nor only there, but on the Country too,
Some fashions out a date doe I bestow;
Where shee and I marching some fortnight after,
Are like to burst our selves (I sweare) with laughter.
For in a Country-Church you there shall see
The May-pole wenches weare my liverie;
But in their forme of fashion so displaid,
None can discerne the Mistrisse from the Maid.
Yet they'r perswaded what they weare is new,
And that their fashion is but known to few
Save to themselves, which makes them to appeare
Scornfull to such who goe in Country weare:
Yet if they knew as much as I, they'd say
Themselves were out of fashion more then they.

161

Thus have I liv'd, and thus am I belov'd,
For State appointed, and by States approv'd,
Where of no Law I doe so much complaine
As of one late-enacted now in Spaine,
Touching restraint of all excessive 'parell,
Which I'm resolv'd would make our gallants quarel;
And reason good; for would one think it fit
To reave them that they more esteeme then wit?
Surely the Task were hard, the Law severe,
Yet this they doe who strip them of their weare.
For these are they who descant on one straine,
And with no care disturb their giddy braine,
Save only how they may in fashion git,
And be the first that may encounter it.
These are they whom I love, with whom I live,
And unto whom this Legacie I give;
They who prefer a Coate before a Pate,
Shall die without a Coate, Wit, or Estate.

The Ape of Observation.

That I Sites, States & Natures might descry,
Columbus hath not travel'd more then I;
In Princes Courts I have a lodger beene,
And there observ'd whats'ever I have seen:

162

Which to compile it did mee highly please,
Entitling it my Ephemerides.
I have been present at late wars of Rhine,
Though I to neither party did incline;
I heard th' Electors sing a dolefull dirge,
At winning of renowned Heidelberge,
Redoubling thus the subject of their care,
“Our neighbours House a fire, bids us beware.
I follow'd warlike Tillie at the tayle,
When with streight siege he closed Frankindale;
To Berg'apsome I did my progresse make,
Where I much muz'd how Spynola could scape,
When in his Campe hee was so gyrt about,
As feare got in, but nothing could get out.
“Though plots seeme deepe, one may their bottom sink,
But I were mad if I'de speake all I think.
Nor is my observation so restrain'd,
As if it earthly objects only aim'd;
More high Mysterious speculation's given,
To view those Signes and Wonders are in heaven,
Prodigious formes and figures in the ayre,
All which impressions lately frequent were
Neere sieged Prague, and other Cities too,
Who have sustain'd what foe or fate could doe.
At Turein, two miles from Egeria
Within the kingdome of Bohemia,
Next to a Stew, where I with others stood,
I saw a Table and a Form sweat blood;
Which I observ'd and forthwith did divine
There would succeed a blood-effusing time.

163

From whence dislodg'd no sooner did I come
Unto the famous City Lintium,
Then there appeared a fear-increasing vision,
Which ore the City shewd this apparition;
Two Swords stood pointing one against another,
With furious Armies skirmishing together;
All which I made th'inhabitants beleeve
Would some impressions in their City leave;
Assuring them, to make mine Art more knowne,
These ayrie Armies would surprize the Towne.
This caus'd a strict watch to be duely kept,
And I did laugh at this while others wept;
For it was far above my element
To know what these strange Apparitions meant;
Though my conjectures were esteem'd more true
Then th' unknown Palmistry of any Jew.
But lest the Statute bring me into question,
This is the least I use in my profession,
Unlesse in forrain Countries where there be
So few that practise this same Mysterie,
As they will lodg a Wizard in their brest,
But ever prize North-Britain Wizards best.
Thus I've inrich'd my selfe with Observation,
And gaind me such renoune within this Nation,
That be my weekly Corrants nere so strange,
They passe for current-novells on th' Exchange:
So as upon my knowledge their esteeme
Hath staid the vent of better labors cleane.
Yea, there be divers Stationers in the Citie,
Who had been broke (the more had beene the pitie)

164

Had not my high priz'd travels been brought hether
Which kept them up from going down the wether.
And now these are, which seems to mee most rare,
Held by our Stage-gulls for oracular.
Not any story or occurrent passes,
But is authentick-truth with these sage-Asses,
Who neighbourly confer upon a bench
Of such a Rampire, Palisado, Trench;
Of such a Conquest, such a Battaile lost,
And what a world of Christian lives it cost.
This they peruse, which they perusing send
Into the Country to some speciall friend,
Who may partake these news without delay,
And these become as credulous fools as they.
For though, to give my thriving-works their due,
Scarce among twenty one relation's true,
Yet on their truth not one of them will stand,
But spread their fame abroad from hand to hand.
Nor bee my Corants only Alehouse talke,
Nor for Duke Humfries Knights, who Pauls doe walke;
For I have seene the very Pulpits smooke
With some extractions rifled from my booke,
Which howsoere they could not well beare water,
Yet would they serve for want of better matter.
But there's no place so highly prizeth mee,
As where our Ordinary-Gallants bee;
For there am I admir'd, and to my grace
Preferred ever to the highest place:
Where my loose glibbrie tongue is prating still
Travels more strange then those of Mandevill.

165

Yea, you shall see some score of Gallants stand,
Each with a Table-booke within their hand,
To take observance of such speciall heads
As from the forge of my discourse proceeds:
Which they relating duely, now and then,
Makes them esteem'd for most accomplish'd men.
Now what may you imagine I deserve,
When these extract but that which I observe?
And gaine such praise, as those Land-gulls who hear them,
Account them highly blest who neighbour neer thē?
But now because I'm to my Country come,
Ile shew you what I have observ'd at home,
And in each sev'rall place where I have beene,
Briefly unfold what I have heard or seene.

In Court I liv'd, and living felt no scant,
But bravely surfeited on others want;
It was my ayme, and I did ayme aright,
To winde me in with some Great-favorite,
Whose gracefull count'nance might support me still
In all my courses, were they good or ill.
Where I observ'd, more good might be effected
By meanes of One who was in Court respected,
Were his Cause ne're so faultie nor so weake,
Then a good Cause, if he no friends could make:
The reason was, though Justice bore ev'n hand,
From some of these there came a countermand,
Which, cause he was a great-Antagonist
They durst not his authority resist;
Or else his meanes advanc'd them to that place,
Which mov'd them veile to him in any Case.

166

For this I held a grounded observation,
Justice to Greatnesse ever had relation;
For some of these oft get a place worth chusing,
By being married to a great-mans Cousin:
So firm's the linke of mutuall allyance,
Against all opposits it pleads defiance.
For other silken-Apes who spend their time
In making their seer-bodies brisk and fine,
I hold it needlesse here to make report,
Because ther's such an Ape, just now, in Court;
Who will describe himselfe in every lim,
Which makes me leave that labor unto him.
For our Court-Ladies, very few I know
Who racket it with their Comradoes now;
Our spritely Lords doe either Treasure lack,
Or else they want agility of back,
So as amongst a number ther's scarce one
But shee is eyther mortifide or gone.
“One did I heare of but the other day,
“Who now has throwne her lighter Roabs away,
“And by a firm-friend whom she well approv'd,
“Sent to the wife of that same Lord she lov'd,
“How she resolv'd her good esteeme to win
“By wearing of a mourning-gowne for him.
“But what's the answer shee return'd to her?
“I wish, quoth she, your Lady may not weare
“But what becomes her best in publique sight,
“Her Suite must sute her selfe, her selfe is light;
“But if with mee shee'll keepe a mourning part,
“Shee must not mourn in Habit, but in Heart.

167

And so no question doth shee; for long since
Shee lost the eye of her concupiscence,
Which makes me hope the eye-light of her mind
Is cleerer far, since th'outward eye was blind.
Thus be our Ladies matchlesse Converts held,
To whom no Suiters make but are repeld;
Though One I know, nor was old Lais liker
Unto her selfe, then shee is to a striker.

In City likewise I remain'd a while,
Where I observ'd how Trades-men did beguile,
And in some darke part of their shop tooke care
How they might vent their most deceitfull ware.
Here did I stay farre longer then I need,
That I with laughter might my humor feed;
For here I might observe a Country-gull,
Whose fathers death had made his pockets full,
Mount Ludgate-hill to buy a Spanish felt,
Pull out his money, bid the Knave go tel't.
Notes from Black-fryers I presently might gather,
For now this Cornish-Chough mourns for his father
in a Carnation feather, wherewithall
Hee means to grace his fathers funerall.
By this hee travells to Saint Martins lane,
And to the shops hee goes to buy a chaine;
Where ev'ry painted Babie that hee sees,
With their horse-gilded varnish doth so please,
As such commodities must not bee lost,
For he will have them whatsoe're they cost.
To th'Royal Exchange fain would he take his course
If he had any money in his purse,

168

But the Long-shop hath brought his pockets low
With Daggers, Bells, and Hobby-horses too.

For City-wives I will not presse them much,
If they be pleas'd that I may only touch
Their errors, not their persons; which shall be
Shadow'd so covertly as none shall see.
I have observ'd that nothing is more sweete
In their conceit, then when these gossips meete;
Nor would this halfe so much their husbands vex,
If all these gossips were but of one Sex:
But this the grief on 't, forth they will not go
But they must have their foremen with them too.
Which to redresse, and for a quiet life,
Let ev'ry one be foremen to his wife;
For this in short time will her humor tame,
And purchase to her selfe a better name.

For the gum'd grogran Citty-usurer,
He is observ'd so much by Lucifer,
I need small observation take of him,
Being known to be th' Engrosser of all sin.
Not all his furrs nor vermin-skins shall save him,
He has contracted with him meanes to have him;
And reason good, for you shall truely finde
The master and his man both of one minde:
For there is nought the Usurer doth crave,
But that he may Security receive,
With whom in this his master doth agree,
For all he seeks is but Securitie.
Yet for all this I cannot chuse but love him,
Because he cheats so many men above him,

169

And by a Forfeiture or such like Sentence,
In time he brings them unto true repentance;
Whereas if they had never met with him,
Perchance they had still rioted in sin.
Besides, he's charitable, for to his door
You cannot come but you shall see the poor;
Yet th'cause hereof he cannot well conceale,
“He makes all poor with whom he has to deale,

Now for the Country, though there many be
Who make pretences of simplicitie,
Because they little know that part of speech
Which southerne people to their children teach;
Yet in a home-spun native Rhetorick
They shew themselves as pregnant and as quick,
As those whose education may impart
Far more accomplishment by meanes of Art.
A subtle-piercing ayre has made these wittie,
Apt to deceive as any in the Cittie;
For th'richer grubs, we properly may call
Broggers, Forestallers, and Regraters all:
And these prey on his state that weakest is,
As Whales and Sea-Bulls feed on lesser fish.
For th' younger sort small policie discerns,
Yet as the old Cock crows the young Cock learns;
Though they be gulld oftimes by City ware,
They are by it made circumspecter farre,
And now and then the City recompences
With a commodity of stale-stuffe wenches,
Who by their carriage gaine them such esteeme
As many times they match with Aldermen.

170

For th'higher ranke, they live at such a rate,
As some of them cannot support their state
Without sinister meanes, yet these by aw
Seeme to oppose and contradict the Law;
So as the Law grows tongue-tide, or else bent
To give these Bulls of Basan all content.
“Law's as a Spiders-web, and ever was,
“It takes the little flies, lets great ones passe.
But let us draine these Rivolets that flow,
Those last are lost, they were so long ago.
If we extract not poyson from each Rill,
Injoyn us Silence, we have lost our Skill:
But Pan should thwart the fancy of his Pipe,
Ceasing to play when Vices are so ripe.
Then to our Trillo; you shall heare more set
In this Composure then you heard of yet.
A nimble Ningle we did lately heare
Has purchased a thousand pounds by yeere,
Contracting for Delinquents, though some say'
He was Delinquent once as well as they.
And there's small doubt, when all Accounts are past,
He of his House, shall be both first and last;
For though his Fortunes to such grandeur swell,
A ranker Cheat breaths not 'twixt Heav'n and Hell:
So dearly hugging private Interest
As sordid Lucre has intranc'd the Beast.
The Proverbe is, “All evill comes from North,
And worse then This the North-coast nere brought forth.

Here you shall see, wch I did smile to see,
Reteyners to some man of qualitie

171

Cheat a Sot of his Coyne, or which is worse,
In the kings high-street take away his purse,
Which they with winged speed wil forthwith carrie
Unto their old receit or Sanctuarie;
Where these Reteyners due account must make,
And with their state-split-Master part the stake.
Yet who dare say that such a man as he
Would give least countenance to theeverie?
His port doth rather argue him a Giver,
Then to support his State with Stand, Deliver;
But so long hee his bounty did display,
“He cannot as he would, but as he may.

Thus I in Observations of all sort,
Be they in Country, City, or the Court,
Have in my Progresse such exactnesse showne
As I suppose no Traveller hath done.

Yea in the Academie I observ'd
Those Drones enjoy best roomes who least deserv'd;
And many more, which if I should expresse.
Would force the hearer to amazednesse,
That any one should possibly containe
Such store of Observations in one braine.
For Rules of Art so far do they excell
The diving plots of matchlesse Machavell,
That I of all the world could compose
An Abstract of her policies, and enclose
Each project and occurrent that befell
Within the compasse of a Wallnut-shell:
For I ne're view'd the forme of any State
I'de not Observe, observing imitate.

172

What resteth then, but that yee doe devise
Honors for him, whose knowledg makes ye wise?

The Court Ape.

So briske I am, so sweet and so perfum'd,
I have no tricks, it may be so presum'd;
But I doe muse how any one should think
I could thus neatly goe and have no chink;
For howsoe're some Courtiers have said it,
They were supported only by their credit.
Tradesmen grow now so wise (the more's the pitie)
The Court is out of credit with the Citie.
At this time have I nere the Minories
Two Coaches with distinguish'd liveries,
Eight Barb'rie mares, two foot-cloth Naggs beside,
On which, for more variety; I ride
The publique streetes, to visit such a Ladie,
By whom I have a standing pension paid me.
Coach men and Pages divers have I too,
On whom my cast suits use I to bestow,
With other vailes which accidental be,
Besides the grace they have in following me.
Nor is this all, Crowns must I alwayes carrie,
And hazard too when I'me at Ordinarie,

173

Where like true Heire of bounty I must show
Farre more profuse then vulgar Gallants doe.
I have a Tweake too, one of my retenue,
Who will expect a share in my revenue;
“If Phebus had no light, could Phebe shine?
“No more can She without some ayde of mine.
Now can one thinke, I on this charge should sit,
And have no meanes at all to second it?
A fire must fuell have or it goes out,
A Lampe must needes have oyle applide unto 't;
Springs Rivers feed, Seas are by Rivers fed,
Bees sucke sweet flowers, and so are nourished.
While these in distinct nourishment doe share,
Must I Chameleon-like be fed with Ayre?
No; I have meanes in Court to shew my light,
For I'me esteem'd a speciall Favorite
To such a Peere, whose greatnesse can support
The lowest Shrub that grows within his Court;
Much more such State-aspiring Pines as I,
Who on his grace without desert rely.
For if I should desert or merit weigh,
I'de make a Conscience of those tricks I play;
But bare might I be as the slough-stript Snake,
If of my pranks I should a Conscience make:
For this my maxim is; “He that will blush,
“Or value honesty more then a Rush,
“Or so precize, hee'l no advantage take,
“May thrive in Court, but he's not very like.
But now it rests, that I my tricks doe show,
Which showne, judge if I may not thrive or no.

174

In Court I live and flourish where I live,
Apt to receive, but seldom apt to give;
In ev'ry Boat a private Oare I have,
Where th'bargain 's ill I neither win nor save:
For I've a braine has wit enough to plot,
And for a Conscience I know it not;
Because this Conscience such a Scarcrow is,
As it deterreth us from what's amiss;
Which if wee should observe, it would be like
Within short time to overthrow us quite.
If any State-employment be in hand,
I by some secret Agent understand
Whereto it tends, compounding with a friend,
To whom by meanes the State doth recommend
This publick taske, that I may share with him
In th'benefit that he 's employed in;
Which if he grant, to raise his estimate
I recommend his service to the State,
Extolling his deserts, saying; “'Twere fit
“Such men as he should reape a benefit
“By their employments, otherwise 't would seeme
“The State were weak & could not judge of them:
Yet I may sweare sincerely from my heart,
I little prize or value his desert;
My chiefest ayme and principallest care
Is how I may in his preferment share.
For to that end did I his worth improve,
Causing him thinke't was only for his love,
Whereas peculiar profit drew me to it,
Nor care I much if all the world doe know it.

175

For these are usuall projects now a dayes,
And if contrived nimblie, merit praise
In th' undertaker; yea I know a Man
High in the Courts esteeme, who now and than
For all his outward lustre will not stick
To gul the State with this familiar trick.
If any one, whose service hath beene tride,
Sue by some meanes for to be gratifide,
That he his hopes on stronger stayes may ground,
He with this gracefull Courtier doth compound;
That if he shall procure him such a Summe
For all the former service he hath done,
He shall be Shaner with him, and receave
Two parts and more of all that he shall have.
This moves this spritely Courtier to perswade,
That such a summe of money may be paid
For such State-service, which above compare
Deserv's due guerdon; for his onely care
(As he pretends) is to preferre the suite
Of them whose name hath purchas'd them repute.
The State weighs his deserts, and doth bestow
What's fit and equall for his service too.
But when it's to be paid, this understand,
Seldome a fourth part comes to th' owners hand;
For his perswasive Orator will share
Above the former composition farre,
Telling him how, if't had not beene for him
He had not got the value of a pin:
Then fit it were that he three parts allot
To him by whom his entire suite was got.

176

Thus must we plot and reape the greatest gaine
Through their deserts, who in the Camp remaine
Subject to all those miseries of warre,
Which on the Souldier still inflicted are.
Our soft down beds be all the harms we feele,
Our silken-Roabes, our Harnesse and our Steele;
Our Crystall springs of luscious Hypocrice,
Our humors taste no warlike enterprize;
Our Congies, Cringes, amorous salutes,
Our Love-inducing-Sonnets, warbling Lutes,
Our Masks, Tilts, Triumphs & obsequious greetings,
Our closs encounters in our Entry-meetings,
Our deere Eringo love-provocatives,
Our Julips, Apozems, Preservatives,
Our secret plots to work our ends thereby,
Closing our drifts within an Oyster-pye,
Our private aymes to purchase such a wife,
By laying siege now in her husbands life;
Our french-Moriscoes, motives of delight,
Our Parachito, Monkey, Marmosite,
Our Arbour-daliance, when we make resort
To those sweet groves and gardens of the Court,
Move us to joy in such a happy birth,
As those who doe enjoy their heav'n on earth.
In brief, what's choice we have it, and contemn
Those weake delights are us'd by vulgar-men.
Here you shall see a man of discipline,
One who came off right bravely in his time,
With all observance make recourse to us,
That we would deigne to be propitious

177

To his preferred Suite; which wee set light,
Hows'ere his cause seeme equall and upright.
The reason is, this Supplicant is poor,
And with a bounteous hand can scarcely shoure
Into our boundlesse skrips, what wee expect,
“This is the cause his Suit takes no effect.
Thus in the Court doe wee our lustre shew,
And on inferior groundlings take a view
With such contempt, as they who us behold,
Would hardly think us made both of one mold.
For come wee within distance but of those,
Wee hold a Pomander streight to our nose,
Lest their ranke breath should any way infect us,
Or that the popular might more respect us.
Yet I protest I can no reason see,
That wee of them more cautulous should bee
For any such infectious ayre, I say,
Then they of us, corrupter far then they.
But far be it removed from my brest
To hatch least thought of stayning my own nest:
For ther's enow that will this staine encrease
In ev'ry coast, though I should hold my peace.

Now from the Court to City must I goe,
Where I my tricks am purposed to show,
Which I'm indifferent, please they or displease,
But to display them briefly, they be these.

I have choice Spies and Tarriers in the towne,
Who by their long experience now are growne
Ripe in observance; now the use I make
Of these, is this; they serious notice take

178

Of such commodities as bear most sway,
And at what speciall rate they goe away.
Which known, I hold it thriving policy
To make a Suit for this Monopoly,
By which the trades-men shall be forc'd to stand
Till they seeke composition at my hand.
Or else I cause the Impost to bee rais'd,
Which new enhancement I've no sooner caus'd
Then I make meanes (such is the course of us)
To get unto my selfe the overplus.
Or else I farme this Impost of the king,
But what is due to him I seldome bring;
For th' Maxim is I hope, as it hath beene,
“Where there is much, much will be overseene.
Another feare I have, and it is this,
If any Trades-man in the towne shall wish
To vent such Ware as he hath now with him,
Before some new Commodities come in,
Let him annoynt me well, I will make way
That no new Ware be sold till such a day.
As for example, if a Vintner wold
Before new wines come in, vend all his old;
By my procurement I can cause restraint
Of all new Wines, till hee his old shall vent:
Yea, and inhance the rate too of his owne,
Because such want of Wines are in the towne.
If any likewise would Protection have,
Be he ne're such a State-abusing knave,
He shall receive it by some means of ours,
And wipe the nose of all his Creditors:

179

Yea breake he in the morning, yet ere night
The Sonne of this same Bankrupt shall be Knight.
More curious feats I have besides all these,
Which to my waining coffers yeeld encrease;
But in the City they so frequent are,
As they grow now like to their sullied ware:
So as of these Ile briefly make an end,
And to my Country-Cormorants descend.

Hath any man desire to have his nest
Or any of his brood grac'd with a Crest?
Though there were never Title of his own
To any of his Predecessors known,
He shall to him and his a Style inherit,
Which after times may think he got by merit,
Or some Field-service that he never did,
Or some strange Act, which to the world is hid.
A Catalogue of Honors I have written,
Whereof he may make choice as he thinks fitting;
An Heralds arch these Titles are displaid on,
Barons, Knights-Baronets, or new-styl'd Vaidon;
Only I feare, some of these honors bee
Of too high ranke for such an one as hee:
Yet if he will but lose his strong-ty'd-purse,
Ile get him one, a better or a worse.
For Honours as they should, so humble seeme,
Many enjoy them know not what they meane;
Which th'Herald shadows oft times with a jest,
Devising for their Coat as strange a Crest;
As three Red-Herrings in a forrest-greene,
With a souc'd-Gurnet peering up betweene.

180

Or for one Combe, as I have heard it said,
A curry-Combe betwixt two Sunnes displaid.
But now admit the Country grow so wise,
It will by no meanes yeeld to such a price,
Alledging how there is no reason why
That they at such high rate should honor buy,
Seeing decrease of money it is such,
As there be few that have it, but will grutch,
Though they doe value Honor as their life,
To pay so much as then when Coine was rife.
Or else perhaps Honors so common seeme,
As now they fall into such disesteeme,
They 'll have no more Knights made 'tis so agree'd on,
Lest they should want ancient Esquires to breed on.
Admit, I say, all this, I have a feat
To get me Lands and livings by Escheat;
For, by my Tarriers, I doe understand
Of all improved and concealed Land,
Which presently I beg, and in an houre
Turn Husband, wife and children out a doore.
Compound with mee none can at any rate,
For now all composition comes too late;
I'm seiz'd and in possession, taking care
To build a curious house to seate my Heire;
Planting delicious Orchards to delight
With luscious fruits, the choycest appetite;
Contriving spacious fish-ponds closed round,
With marble Columns raised from the ground:
In briefe, ther's nothing that you can devise,
Appears not in this earthly Paradise.

181

Now all these works are finished and done,
To reare a sumptuous Mansion for my Sonne,
Who many times before I turne to mold,
Hath his Reversion to another sold;
Which so prevents my care, Ide think no sin,
But that I have confer'd my State on him,
To strip this Wag, who in a Net doth dance,
Of all the hope of his inheritance.
But 'tis no matter, I've a State for life,
Which I suppose will mediate this strife;
For now of late I'm run so far on shelfe,
All I have left will scarcely serve my selfe.
Yet must I gull the time and make a show
As if I had more owne then I doe ow;
My foot-cloth beares mee out, nor is my debt
So great as I need much to pawn it yet.
In Progresse time, I likewise goe to see
'Mongst other Apes, the Universitie,
Where though Licinius-like all Arts I hate,
I must be made forthwith a Graduate
For which I promise, when they come to Court,
Some Chaplains place, but they must pay me for't.
Thus have I shown my tricks in ev'ry place,
And howsoere some twit mee to my face,
Affording mee (poor Snakes) no better word
Then of a Carpet-civet-comfit Lord,
Though aged Court-Apes fall into contempt,

I'm none of these, my person is exempt:

182

Who have no tricks to cheat may droop and die,
But thanks unto the Stars, this need not I;
My happy Fate such apprehension lent me,
As I would see that man could circumvent me.
Now he that has a wit and will not use it
Unto his best advantage, doth abuse it.
It rests, as you have heard so to report,
No tricks are like those tricks are plaid at Court.

Licinius Valerianus.

The City Ape.

Tis strange to heare this silken-gull preferre
Those plots by which his Court-ship seems to erre,
Before those honest aymes which ever are
Both more secure and more successive far.
'Tis sure the corrupt age hee liveth in
Makes him thus vainly glory in his sin;
Or else hee holds Confession of his crimes
Agreeing well with these absolving times,
Where sundry Rites they to the Church restore
Which we nere heard this threescore yeeres before.
But doth this painted Truncke, whose best repute
Dependeth on the fashion of his Sute,

183

Imagine all the Projects of the State,
To have no other Forge but from his pate?
Or that there is no Engineer so quick,
To vie with him in matters politick?
Yes, know thou powdred and perfumed Ape,
For all thy Cinnamon adulterate shape,
Though thou seeme to disvalue other men,
Ile match thee with a grogran-Citizen,
Who, as it will appeare before wee part,
Shall put thee down with tricks spight of thy heart.
Yet I ne're travel'd far to get them neither,
Being a byrth-right left me by my Father;
So as in these I cannot well miscarrie,
Because they are to mee Hereditarie.
Nor be my actions halfe so base as His,
For all his policie meere servile is;
Hee's tyde to dance attendance early, late,
And to Petition men for his estate;
Grounding his hopes on others overthrow,
But Ide be loth to raise my Fortunes so.
My Shop's my Ship, where I doe vent my ware,
To which both Court and Country doe repaire;
Where if the buyer chance to bid too much
For his commoditie, I am none such
To lessen what he offers; my receite
Of custome, is the place where I must waite:
Where if I should make scruple of my gaine,
How should I pay my rent or port maintaine?
I must and will for my best vantage stand,
“Let the gull take his losse in his own hand.

184

Yet some are thus opinion'd, Of all men
There's none more simple then a Citizen;
For hee can scarcely any reason show
For ought he sees, but asks where Malt doth grow:
This makes them call us Cockneies, nor doe wee
Thrive worse for that we so accounted bee.
For wee darke-shops to vent ill ware may use,
And with simplicity our guile excuse;
Protest yes verily, and make a show
Of that which verily is nothing so.
Here you shall see a gallant-gull come neere us,
When in our shops he shall no sooner heare us
Cry out to passengers What doe ye lack?
But he is forthwith tane with some new knack;
Out cometh gold from this Arabian Rat,
Which our keene lick'rish Teeth doe water at.
More will we aske then we expect by halfe,
Of purpose to entrap this golden-Calfe;
For there's no purchase in the world can please
A Citizen so much as gulling these.
The reason is, our weakness they contemn
As sillie, simple and plain-dealing men,
Because (forsooth) we no discoursers be,
But only of our owne commoditie.
We know no tillage, nor no pasture grounds,
The City-walls have ever been our bounds,
Unlesse along we with a neighbour go
To Croydon, Acton, Newington, or so.
Now there is nought on earth makes me so sorie,
As that this Court-Ape should so vainly glorie

185

That we repaire to him for his direction,
In the procurement of our own Protection,
Which is not so; for as we laid first plot
Of bringing that to passe which we have got,
So Ile maintain it, none of these but wee
Are Agents too in this immunitie:
Which to confirme, I purpose to relate
A President which hapned but of late.
“One of my Bretherhood of good esteeme,
“As any neere Long-lane long time hath beene,
“Pretending by a mighty losse on Sea,
“(Though this was but a meere pretended plea)
“That he through poverty could not defray,
“What he in Conscience was bound to pay.
“Yet long ere this, that he might Statutes shun,
“Had he confer'd his State upon his Son.
“With this pretence he to a Courtier goes,
“To whom sincerely he his purpose shows,
“Imparting to him briefly his intent
“Was to make men beleeve his means were spent;
“That so he might by this deluding cheat,
“Increase his State, his Creditors defeat.
“Meane time his ayde he humbelly would crave,
“That for his Debts he may Protection have;
“Which court'sie should so ty him during breath,
“His State should be the Courtiers at his death.
“This the spruce credulous silk-worm seems to trust,
“And little dreams what State was made at first;
“But by Assumpsit holding th'Grant secure,
“Hee a Protection labours to procure:

186

“Which got, my fox-fur'd Brother was at ease,
“Frolick and merry as a Mouse in Cheese.
“But now ensues the jest, when he should die,
“(As no Protection 'gainst mortalitie)
“Adoption did the Courtier so intrance
“In hope of his assur'd inheritance,
“Hee'd suffer none (so carefull was the elfe)
“To visit this rich sick-man but himselfe;
“About his Bed still would he seeme to bee,
“Expecting that which he did long to see:
“But lo! his hopes were turned to despaire,
“When he perceiv'd another made his Heire;
“Which caus'd him vow that he would never after,
“Make his Protections instruments of laughter.
But I doe wonder how Court-Apes should seeme
So much our City-Apes to disesteeme;
They'r made, I'm sure, of selfe-same element,
Hows'ere they seeme inferior in discent.
No, nor inferior in discent at all,
As might be prov'd of late from Girdlers-hall,
Where One of obscure race as one could bee,
Without so much as a welsh-Pedigree,
When he deceas'd, so well his fortunes stood,
Was found descended of a noble blood.
Which makes me think, if so their race were known,
That there be many Trades-men in the Town,
Whose high descent aymes at a noble pitch,
Provided alwaies, that these men die rich:
For then, for Heires they need take little care,
Some noble unknown kinsman will be Heire:

187

The Law enableth him as heire apparant,
For why; A great mans claim includes a Warrant.
But while I make my Brethrens actions knowne,
I am forgetfull wholy of mine owne.
For th'little time I did the Court frequent,
I found it wanton and incontinent;
Which I observing, though a City-Ape,
I had a great desire to imitate:
And that you may know how I profited,
Ile shew you briefly where I practised.
“To a Court-Landresse first did I repaire,
“Encountring her at bottom of a staire;
“Which by experience I may safely sweare,
“Within a fortnight after cost mee deare.
“For shee demanding of mee where I dwelt,
“Weakly and unadvisedly I tell 't,
“Whereof she made this use: One day being come
“Unto my Shop, when I was gone from home,
“(For by direction shee my shop had found)
“Shee call'd for ware to th'value of ten pound;
“My man expecting money, shee delay'd him,
“Asking where was his Master, she had paid him?
“Long had not hee and shee contesting bin
“Till I, as fortune bad, came rushing in;
“Whom shee no sooner ey'd, then by my name
“Saluting me, shee justifi'd the same.
“Where Duck (quoth I?) shee, rounding in mine ear:
“(But never blush'd at matter) told me where.
“I, lest I should my credit overthrow,
“Told her, I did remember it was so,

188

“Entreating her excuse, I had forgot it;
“Thus did I colour 't so, as none could note it.
But now my reputation doth remaine
Free from all touch, as if it nere had staine;
All causes unto mee are now refer'd,
As the sufficientst man within the Ward.
If any childe be in the Parish got,
I of the Parents take especiall note
To take them joyntly bound, be't boy or daughter,
That th'Parish be not charged with it after.
For I'm held none of these who prate non sence,
Spending the day in nodding on a bench;
For these, as if their beard held all their wit,
Speake scarce two words but they are stroking it.
I know right well, there's not an Officer,
From Treasurer unto the Scavenger,
But needs those choice directions of mine,
For I have borne each office in my time,
And in each place of note so well become me
As there was none could take advantage on me.
But I shall little neede to presse this theame,
The City notice takes of my esteeme;
The Vergers too, so highly do approve me,
As scarce two Seats be in the Church above me.
Now having got such honor in the Towne,
Ile take survey where I am lesser knowne;
If they dis-value me, impute ye it
To want of my acquaintance, or their wit.
To th'University I nere repaire
But once a yeere, and that's at Sturbridg-faire;

189

Yet am I knowne to many Scholars there,
Who buy of me whats'ever they doe weare.
Silks, Sattins, Grograns, Serges of each sort,
Of mee they cheap, and I doe cheat them for't.
If a penurious Master have a mind
To Satten-face his doublet, though behind
It be of Buckram, hee'll to mee resort,
And tell mee hee's injoyn'd to preach at Court;
So as he meanes, if God will give him leave,
To buy a Satten-forepart, with half-sleeve;
For that's as much he thinks as will be seene,
To gaine unto his person more esteeme.
Forthwith I finde a Remnant of the best,
(So much at least I verily protest)
Wherewith I doe sufficiently store
This choice Divine, who nere bought silke before.
Yet I confesse this Remnant that he bought,
Such a commoditie 'twas good for nought,
Being gumm'd throughout to make it neatly shine,
Which gave content unto this spruce Divine.
When th'Fair is done I to the Colledg come,
Or else I drink with them at Trompington;
Craving their more acquaintance with my heart
Till our next Sturbridg faire, and so wee part.

Now for the Country; where I make my stay
In no place longer then at Beverley
To Country maids, and Gentlewomen too,
My newest and alluringst stuffs I show;
Which doe so mad them, they perforce must buy,
And I perceive their humor by their eye:

190

So as I ever hold that stuffe most deare,
To which these Goosings most affection beare;
Swearing it cost mee more then all the rest,
For P. and G.'s the marke which proves it best.
Then with shop-usual formal Rhetorick,
I touch these itching tamefowles to the quick,
For I doe tell them, if they hold 't too deere
Ide wish them to goe try some other where;
But I'm perswaded, though they doe complaine
My rates too high, they'l come to me againe;
For sure I am, wheres'ever they doe try,
There's none can sell at lower rates then I.
Thus I adjure them, yet perhaps they'l go
To make a tryall, to a shop or two,
But this the jest; we have a practise made,
The better to enhance our thriving trade,
Amongst our selves no secret must be hid,
But we are to give notice what they bid,
That we may altogether sing one song,
And by our rates not one another wrong.
Yea, by our art to gaine our trades their due,
We have a trick to sell old ware for new;
Which country-people seldom doe perceive,
For they're too simple to smell out a knave.
Although sometimes they fit us in our kind,
When they with easie gale and ready wind,
In ev'ry Coast doe take especiall care
To change stale-wenches with our slubberd-ware;
Which wee accept, and if good luck bechance them,
To great-mens wives their fortune may advance thē.

191

Thus have you heard the tricks that I can play,
Which smoothly carried profit more then they,
Whose glorious outsides paint their projects over
With nothing else save with a gilded cover.
If Wags be gulld by running on our shelves,
Wee were not cause on't, they may thank themselves
Wee in our Shops doe stand, they come unto us,
To profit what wee can they will allow us.
But if't dislike them that we should doe so,
Truth is wee'll do 't whether they will or no;
For it was never yet to any knowne
But One might make best use he could of's owne.
Which whether I have done or no, review
My courses o're, and Ile bee judg'd by you.

The Country Ape.

Hearke how this silken civet Citizen
Esteems of us poor silly Countrey-men;
As if wee were of no account or note,
But had a braine as simple as our coate.
Why, pray you Sir, if I may be so bold,
Are you of purer or of choicer mold?
Or doe you breath on fresher ayre then wee?
Or shines some Starre on your nativitie,

192

Which keepes her light from us? or is your wit
So pure, as all draw influence from it?
Are you so subtil, as you onely have
The trick to Cheat, to Cozen and Deceive?
No Sir, though I live in a wilder place,
For sleights and feats I'le bate you ne're an Ace.
Your darke-loom'd Shops shall never have it so,
False Ballances, base Compositions too,
Counterfeite Stuffs our haire-brain'd Fopps to gull,
In ev'ry Country shop wee have them full.
For you must know the Country's no such Ape
But it can City-fashions imitate;
Yea we have nimble Monkeys of all sort
Can personate both City and the Court;
Which neere resemblance that it may appeare,
Give eare to my discourse and you shall heare.

First we have Lords and Ladies very many,
As proud and hautie as the Court has any;
There's not a fashion knowne but it comes downe,
For such as these have Taylors in the Towne,
By whose intelligence they are informed
What's new, which they observe hows'ere deformed.
Being thus attyr'd, they're presently addrest
To shew their bravery at some Gossips feast;
Where many Country gentlewomen are,
Who by observance take especiall care
What these great Persons weare, for they intend
To be in fashion ere the sennet end,
Which if their frugal Husbands but deny,
They hope by putting finger in the eye

193

To get their purpose; for they little stand
Whether new fashions make them sell their Land.
Which our May-morish Wenches likewise follow,
Who thinke they beare away the fashion hollow.
Nor doe these onely imitate the Court
In sumptuous habit, and are beggard for't;
But forasmuch as they in Court doe see
No great respect of hospitalitie,
They hold it providence to shut up door,
No matter though they famish all the poor:
Or that they may their private waste maintaine,
Both Lords and Knights doe table with their men.
Here you shall see a Farmers doore barrd up,
Where th'poor may cry but is from almes shut;
His cryes, his teares can no compassion force,
For th'more he beggs, he ever fares the worse.
What boots it, though his Barnes and Garnars be
Stor'd with all fruits, yet he pleads povertie?
His aymes are how to get, and if he can
To make his Mushramimpe a gentleman.

Besides all this, I would be very loth
That Court or City either of them both,
Should shew more art in any Contract making,
Then we can doe for all their undertaking.
Yea I my selfe can of my selfe aver,
I know no griping-grinding Usurer,
Whose practise is oppression, but I'le vye
With him or any one under the skye.
For Courtiers no such businesse intend,
They onely borrow, Usurers doe lend.

194

But shew me that Man at a full Exchange,
Be he home-borne or to our Country strange,
Whose long profession, give the man his dew,
Has a seer'd Conscience worse then any Jew,
And I will cope with him in his profession,
Be it Church-simonie or State-opression.
For this my practise is the whole yeare thorow,
When any come to me in hope to borrow;
First to examine his necessitie,
As, Wants he Bread to feed his familie;
Or is his Living gag't, and day at hand,
He either must redeeme or lose his Land;
Or is he in such bondage, as his griefe
Requires without delay present reliefe;
I'le hold his Nose to Grindstone and so use him,
He shall doe what I please, or let him chuse him,
Statutes on Statutes forthwith so pursue him,
As like Actæons hounds they still doe view him,
So that unlesse he hye him all the faster
They will in time devoure their breathlesse master.
For Conscience haggard-like I doe disclaime her,
Since He that has her, seldome proves a gainer.

Two bags I have, the one whereof I call
Just All the World, and it holds nought at all;
The other Bag, with which I use to lend
Money to those that want, I call my Friend;
Whereof I make this use; if any come
Requesting me to lend them such a summe,
If th'offers they propound, content not me,
As want of paune or good securitie,

195

I presently reply to these who crave,
In All the world I not one pennie have;
But if such come as I may profit by them
Be't the same instant, I will not deny them:
For though I have no Coyne, as I pretend,
To give them all content, I'le use my Friend.
After this manner am I wont to deale
In all my practise with the Commonweale.

Now you shall heare how cunningly I lurch
By Simonie the Pastor of the Church.
Impropriations have I one or two
With some Advousons which I thus bestow,
Least any of my profits should be lost,
“I hold them best deserving who give most.
These I induct, for I doe value them
Well worthie th' place who are well-monied men,
But least some censure should on me befall
By being found thus Simoniacall,
Whereby the Princes priviledge might choose one
To take the benefit of my Advouson;
That I more smoothly may delude the State,
I in my sale use to Equivocate.
As for example, I doe take a course
To sell the Parson whom I choose a Horse,
A Librarie of Bookes to furnish him,
Because he wants Books when he enters in;
And these I rate to him at such a price,
As serves for Horse, Books, and for Benefice.
Now who can say that I doe sell this Living,
Whose bounteous hand is so inclin'd to giving?

196

Tell me what Great one makes them fairer play,
To give both Bookes and Benefice away?
No, No, the most of all our Clerks will sweare,
Though th'Benefice be cheape, th'Addition's deare:
But let them looke to this before they enter,
I make no conscience of it, Caveat Emptor.
Yea I doe hold these kinds of Sale as good,
If they be well and duely understood,
As to make tender of them for ones life;
Provided that he take her for his Wife
Whom they shall chuse; which voluntary offer
Makes me suspect, her Master has made proffer
Of some familiar curt'sie long before,
“I count him mad will for a living bore.
But if he must, let him be his owne Carver,
“Who chuseth not his Wife doth ill deserve her.
She's his impropriation, which through hate
Unto his person, might ingraffe his pate;
Whence in his Parish would abroad be knowne,
“He had a Common-place Booke of his owne.
But let these Contracts passe, they'r knowne enough
Both in the Church and in the Country through;
I'le now descend to shew what fierie spirit
Our native Country people doe inherit;
Which I perswade me, will seeme strange to all,
Because wee seeme as if we had no gall:
But we doe scorne that any place should bee
More malapertly factious then wee.
For when I was a Tennant I doe know,
(Though I'm no Tennant but a Landlord now,)

197

I would commence a suite upon my Lord
(Because I knew the Law) for any word.
In which Commencement, many flockt together
Like Birds all of one brood and of one fether,
Who with joynt Combination made a purse,
To put their seame-rent Landlord to the worse.
Yea I have knowne so insolent a Nation,
As when they heard the Princes Proclamation
Tend to th'extinguishment of Tennantright,
They in a braving manner set it light,
Affronting their weake Landlords at their gate,
Vowing they'd force them to confirme their state
Nor be their haughtie Lords lesse domineering,
Puff'd up with present hope of a next Hearing;
For now am I a Landlord and must sharke
(For Priest forgets that ever he was Clarke,)
As others doe, by raising Fine on Fine
And cram my selfe how ere my Tennant pine.
Great are my debts, and my expences large,
Now whom should I thinke fitting to discharge
This heavie taske which thus ore-burdens mee,
But these rich Gormaws who my Tennants bee?
Which that it may more covertly be donne,
In all my State I doe invest my Sonne;
On which Estate doth presently ensue
A Gen'rall Fine, which hath beene ever due.
Scarce is this Fine paid, till I make a claime,
By re-estating of my selfe againe,
Of a new Fine, whereto they must consent
Or have a triall for their tenement.

198

Which if the Court adjudge once to be mine
To Demaine land convert I it in time;
So as Depopulation is as common
As is inconstancy unto a Woman:
For in the Country many Farms appeere,
As neither Farme nor Farmer had beene there.

Now forasmuch as we all Learning lack,
Unlesse we have it from an Almanack,
For I doe know no Nation under Sun
In a Prognostication puts us down;
You shall perceive (for so I hold it fit)
What speciall use we daily make of it.
Herein we note and take observance too
Whether our Heire be like to thrive or no;
Which we collect by this rare-erring forme,
We seeke the Planet when he first was borne,
For we assure our selves this cannot erre,
Prov'd and confirm'd by Shepheards Calender.
If any dayes foretell ensuing dearth,
Those be our dayes of Jubile and mirth;
For my owne part I speake it, I doe feare
Nothing so greatly, as a plentuous yeare:
For so much graine I've in my Barns engrost,
As if it prove not deare, it will be lost;
For till the Markets rise, as now they fall,
I'le bring none forth, let Ratts consume it all.
What doe I care, though Justices doe seeke
My Barns and well-stor'd Granars weeke by weeke,
Vaults and close-arched caves I have below
Within the earth, of which they little know

199

Nor ever shall; so I my selfe may serve
I take no thought if all the Country sterve.
“They who for others good their course contrive,
“May live belov'd, but dye before they thrive.
To Court or City seldome I repaire,
Nor doe I know any employment there.
To University I never come,
Unlesse along I carrie up my Sonne
To get a Scholars place, and after rise
By my fat purse unto some Benefice.
Meane time that he a lesser charge might be,
To my Estate I still plead povertie;
Which Master of the Colledge oft believes,
Whereby my Sonne a Scholership receives:
Though I'me resolv'd for money I have more
Then many of their Founders had before.
Thus have I liv'd, and thus I meane to live,
Apt to receive but most unapt to give;
Thus hoord I Treasure for my Sonne and Heire,
And get my Harvest while the season 's faire.
Oppression is my darling, which I take
From none so much as from the City Ape;
Whose contracts are the stories that I read,
So as I find my knowledge bettered
By daily use and practise I observe,
From whose choyce Rules I would be loath to swerve;
Meane time let me be rude and simple thought,
So may my purpose to effect be brought.

200

The Church Ape.

I am a Levite and a great one too,
And can observe the time as others doe;
In my Opinions I am wondrous warie,
Lest I offend the State and so miscarrie;
For th' only Scar-Crow that I boggle at,
Is not distaste of conscience but the State.
And twice a yeere I commonly resort
For observations sake unto the Court;
Where it's the sum and substance of my care
To note how men in Grace affected are
Unto Religion, for 'tis only these
Who at their Gyrdle hang Saint Peters keyes:
To whom (I wis) sole Soveraignty is giv'n,
To ope on earth, but to be shut from heav'n.
If they be pure, I shew my heate of zeale,
As much as any in the Commonweale;
But if I finde a coldnesse where I come,
Or an inclining to the Sea of Rome,
Mine Arguments like pellets I bestow
The English Discipline to overthrow.
Most men are of opinion where I live
That I am rich, for I no almes do give,

201

I keepe no House nor Hospitalitie,
But for extortion, fraud, and usurie,
I keepe receit of custome; thus say they,
But 'las poor fools, they know not what they say;
For if they knew how my Corrivalls crost me,
How much in bribes my Consecration cost me;
How much procuring such a Ladies Letter
To such a Lord, though I was nere the better;
How, though I beare the Title, yet I am
No Real Bishop, but a Serving-man
To such a great-man, for his Farmer am I,
Who though I would, cheat him hardly can I;
If they knew this, they would right soone confesse
I were the poorst in all my Diocesse.
And though a Pastor should be none of these,
Who share both in the Flesh and in the Fleece,
I must not only Fleece but Flea them quick
Till I have paid well for my Bishoprick.
Nor is my charge the lesse, when this is donne,
For I 've a wanton wife, a wastefull Sonne,
Who must have fresh supplies to feed their riot,
Hows'ere by hook or crook they may come by it.
I have a Lord, and daily I attend him,
Who made me once a grant of th' next Cōmendam
Should fall into his Lapse; but I doe heare
A Simoniack-Slaves inducted there,
Which if I prove, hee 's forfeit his Induction,
And be suspended henceforth from his Function.
Yet though these Motes in others I make known,
I never note these Eye-beams of mine owne.

202

I can dispence with private Symonie,
And make a vertue of necessitie;
Yea and maintaine that common error too,
Framing Apologies for what I doe.
'Tis ill you'l say, which you observe in some,
Who by the window to the Temple come;
But I must answere, They'r mistaken quite,
For to the Church no way can bee more right;
For though Noahs-arke, ye Churches type, had doors
And windows too as this same Church of ours,
Yet that gall-wanting Bird when Noah had sent her
To take survey, did by the window enter.
An Olive branch shee in her bill did beare,
Implying that the dry-land did appeare,
And to the Arke, the Churches figure hies,
And through no Doore but by the Window flies.
To us this Simile may have relation,
Who should resemble Doves in conversation,
Our way is by the window not the doore,
Since to the Arke Doves led that way before.
In great assemblies I doe seldome preach,
Lest I false doctrine to my flock should teach,
For I confesse I am no great Divine,
Nor in such studies doe I spend my time:
At Bethel once indeede I made assay,
When most of th'learned Doctors were away,
Where som report, my Doctrine mov'd much laughter,
Which made mee vow Ide ne're come thither after.
And I've observ'd my vow; nor doe I care,
When I doe heare that such a Chaplain 's rare,

203

And that hee 's flockt to by the better sort,
Or gains himselfe a singular report.
For this opinion, like a dang'rous shelfe,
Makes a poore Preacher oft undoe himselfe
With a continuate study, yea not one
Of these is ought but only skin and bone.
But let me come more neer them; what's their ayme,
But to receive preferment by their fame?
Which I have got, and now may silent be,
While more deserving men attend on me.
Unto the City seldome I repaire,
Unlesse it bee for some delicious fare,
Wherein I take more absolute delight
Then ere in fasting did the Anchorite.
Sometimes perchance I to th' Exchange may goe,
To buy my wife what shee enjoyn'd mee to;
Some new-invented Dressing that's in grace,
Sweet powders for her skin, oyles for her face,
Or some provocatives which may move sense,
And cause me give her due benevolence.
All which I buy where they are to be sold,
For I must tell you I am growing old,
And gladly would my imperfections smother,
By giving her content one way or other.
For else she might, which would a scandall be,
During my Visitation cuckold me,
As some have done, whom I'de be loth to mention,
Who now maintains One with her Bishops Pension:
And this is better farre as I suppose,
Then have her keep a knave close by my nose,

204

Who night by night with her would closly drab it,
And change my Rochet to Actæon's habit.
Tertullians opinion I despise,
Who held this tenent, None should marry twice;
With which strange error I was nere misled,
For I have two, and neyther of them dead.
Of Basils minde among us there be few,
Who would not change his old wife for a new.
“Much of one thing breeds loathing, therefore we
“Must cheere our palats with varietie.
I hold that act of Luther bravely done,
Who made Besse Bore a Lemman of a Nun,
Which spritely action wondrously rejoyc'd her,
In hope to get a clister for a cloyster.
With Romish-Catholicks I could agree
In all their points of Doctrine save these three,
Fasting, Pray'r, Alms-works, for these be those
Which we professe to be our greatest foes.
First Fasting, whereto they ascribe a merit.
It takes both of the flesh and of the spirit,
Disheartens Nature, weakens her delight,
Consumes the marrow, dulls the appetite;
Seares up the radick humor, and doth quench
The native ardour of Concupiscence.
Indeed it makes devotion ferverous
And full of zeale, But what is that to us?
Let Hermites for devotion give exemple,
Zeal hath been long since whipt out of our Temple.
Secondly Prayer, though soveraign and good,
And rightly styl'd the Soules eternall food,

205

Our businesse being many, I think meet,
That our devotion should be short and sweet.
For many worldly affairs have we in hand,
Which if we should upon promotion stand
Might oft miscarrie, whence may gathred be,
Long Prayrs can no way stand with Policie.
For Almes-deeds; All mis-deedes I observe,
For by Good-works I meane not to deserve;
'Tis superstitious Doctrine, Babels staine,
And such as none but Rhemists will maintaine.
Time was indeed, but time's not as it was,
When no way-faring traveller could passe
Without reliefe, for Hospitals were then
Harbours and Inns to all distressed men.
Which bounty was by Abby-lubbers showne,
Who had no wives nor children of their owne;
Which we account of as an old-wives fable,
Our Olive-branches spread about our table,
And though they seldome prosper, yet must we
Have speciall care of our posteritie:
For worser far then Infidels they are,
That of their families will have no care.

Men of our ranke, there's nothing so much raises
As gaining great mens Love with Bribes and Praises;
This is that Cement joynes us unto them,
Whence wee contemn inferior Clergy-men,
Whom th'hand of greatness to small honor lifts,
Because they'r not, as we are, Men of Gifts.
Some muse why any one would mee enstall,
Having no Learning nor no worth at all;

206

But I replie, these Places where we be,
Require small learning but much policie.
There was a time, which time's estrang'd from ours,
When we were Rabbies and Expositours
Of holy-Writ, and taught the heav'nly way,
And in our Gen'rall-Councels bore great sway.
But we account him simple now, that cares
More for Divine then Temporall affairs.
Learning's an uselesse Relique, or a Prize
Got with a wasted body, and dim eyes
Which oft contemns preferment, with desire,
Like a sequestred Ermit to retire
From th' view of earth: while we take little care
For this esteeme, which vanisheth like ayre.
Our contemplation is how we may skip
To some more rich, commodious-Bishoprick.
Where wee may hatch our eggs, and feed our brood,
And labor to get good, but doe no good.
And thanks unto my Fates, I 've now in hand
The richest-Bishoprick in all the Land,
And priviledges too, so great and many,
As more or higher there enjoyes not any.
To instance some whereof, that I have here,
I've pow'r to chuse the Sheriffe of the Sheere;
If any Justice shall my Grace displease,
Ile thrust him from th'Commission of the Peace,
And make him vaile to th'lowest of my Traine,
Before he be restor'd to's place againe.
No Suite may be commenc'd in any Court
'Gainst mee or mine but I will firk him for't.

207

If any one no present chance to send,
He shall ere long find me his heavy friend;
So as of late, I've brought them to that use,
As Country Presents will maintain my house.
Some works of seeming zeale I doe professe,
Yet is my love to th'World nothing lesse;
For out of feare lest some men should complaine
Of my extreme hard dealing, I retaine
Some semblances of pitie to the poor,
And for them make a dole-day at my door.
Where, that the world may know my ardent zeale,
Both to the Church and to the Common-weale,
I manifest my charitable ends
With sound of trumpet, and invite of friends;
Which in my judgement well deserve expressing,
To sound alarum to a Bishops blessing:
For bounties of this kind are held so rare,
'Tis good to publish those poor few that are.

In Visitation time, because there be
Many poor people that doe pester me,
I give direction wheresoe're I come,
Mine Almoner tender reliefe to none,
Before I goe from thence, which makes them stay,
While I out of the back-gate slip away.
Hows'ere this be, I zealously pretend
My close departures for no other end.
Then to prevent vain-glory; which would meet
So great a Bishop in a publique street:
And therefore I a private passage take,
That ostentation I might better scape.

208

Now in the Country where I make retire,
My Senses have whats'ever they desire;
As first, for curious objects which delight
The moving apprehension of the sight,
Eye-drawing-Pictures in each chamber stand,
Which shew such lively motion and command
In their attractive beauties, as they woo them
That are Spectators, to doe homage to them.
Wherein 'tis one State-axiom of mine,
To chuse a Picture sorting with the time.
For while Spayne had the name, it was mine ayme,
To have th'Infantaes Picture sent from Spayne,
Which in my dining chamber I set up,
Or in my private Parlor where I sup,
Where any one, by drawing up the latch,
Might judge how much I did approve the match.
But see what chanc't! Last day a busie knave
This Spanish Picture hapned to perceive,
Which hee observing, told me he did muse
Why I would hang such Pictures in my house,
As gave distaste unto the publick State,
And made their proffers projects of deceite;
Where I reply'd, it little me behov'd
To hate that Picture which my Prince once lov'd.
Yet lest it should give scandall or offence,
I caus'd it streight to be removed thence.
Nor is my eye delighted only there,
But with selectedst melody mine eare,
With choycest cates my liqu'rish appetite,
With od'rous perfumes I my smell delight,

209

And with embraces amorous as may be
Touch I my Lordships wife, but not a Ladie.
Thus ev'ry Sense enjoys his earthly blisse,
As if my heav'n were where my Palace is,
For nought on earth doth in me griefe begit,
But only one, and I will tell you it.
It is intended, having cure of Soules,
That upon summons I should preach at Paules,
Which though it come scarce once in twenty yeere,
I'm sick when I should make my Sermon there;
So as enforc't by my infirmitie,
(Or want of brains) I hire a Deputie:
Which done, I make returne from whence I came,
And thank my wits for shielding me from shame.
Some other usefull projects I intend,
Now when I feele I'm drawing neere my end,
For doubtlesse some would think I foulely er'd,
If I should leave my children unprefer'd.
So as grown weak, my wife and children doubt me,
And like Jobs comforters they cling about me,
Advising me, as they poor Orphans are,
(Not for my Soul, for that's their least of care)
But that I would take course to settle on them
Some meanes, that they may live as doth becom thē,
Likewise my wife puts finger in the eye,
And says her joynture dies, when I doe die,
This makes me plot how these things may be don,
When other matters should be thought upon.
First, how my ofspring may preferment have,
Before the mete-wand measure out my grave.

210

Secondly, how their Mother may be sped
Of some young Ruffin when her Bishop's dead.
Which to effect, there's nought so fully pleases,
As the renewall of concurrent Leases;
Admit they doe defeat him that succeeds me,
This gainfull guilefull contract much besteeds me;
For by this meanes, revenues I bestow
Both on my wife and on my children too.
This makes me send my Briefes from day to day,
If any one will Leases take, they may.
And at more easie rate then ere they had,
Which makes my Leasers run as they were mad.

Thus live or die, seven yeers apprentiship
Has taught me how to geld a Bishoprick;
Which to good use converted, I see not
But it may thrive though indirectly got,
For, if no ill-got-goods thrive in this Nation,
Some would seeme base who now are men of fashion

The Judiciall Ape.

Brave Apes; briske Bungs; yet they must leave the field,
And to an ancient Bencher learne to yeeld;
Fox-fur'd 's my Gowne, and smooth my close-cut chin,
But far more Foxly-smooth am I within.

211

Gravely can I for lucre-sake protest,
And clap mine unctuous fist upon my brest,
Ev'n when my heart 's as neer unto my mouth,
As East is to the West, or North to South.

Musæus came the other day to me,
(A curious wit for straines of Poesie)
And he besought me in a Cause as good
As truth could make it, if well understood,
To be his friend, and I did promise him,
But breach of promise is with us no sin.
He mee accoutred with his words of Art,
And I admir'd him too for his good part;
Ripe was his judgement, and his wit as quick
Garnish'd with copious flowers of Rhetorick.
But these are tongue ty'd Orators with me,
Who would have me his friend, must bring his fee.
Yet for all this, I will not stick to chide,
If any come to tempt me with a Bribe.
For I would have these wittalls understand
Fees must passe by my servants to my hand,
I take no Fees my selfe, they may fee Ned,
“They need not feare their cause if he be sped,
For we have Tarriers, Agents, Instruments,
To ope the Cabinet of our intents
And plot our purposes, give them their due,
And these we use as men should use a scrue.
These be our Harping-irons that will draw
Like Ferrets, these minc'd Maggots of the Law:
Who when their cause must to a hearing come,
Next night before unto my chamber run,

212

And currie favour all the waies they can,
To get admittance to me by my Man;
Which got, they finde me in Majestick sort,
Starching my beard, or reading a Report.
While each of these more scurvy Court'sies makes
Then upon Whitby-Strand are shapes of Snakes;
Which country Congies, were they ten times worse,
Shew State enough, because they cram my purse.
Suppose then how these Russetings appeare
Wholly divided betwixt hope and feare.
At whose approach I lay aside my booke,
Teaching my face a Radamanthean looke:
Sirrahs, What make you here? who sent you hither?
Your man, scarce mutter they, walk knaves together;
Thus fret I like gumm'd-grogran, which once past,
I deigne to take a superficiall taste
Of their ill-open'd cause, and give them hearing,
Which I intend next morning to appeare in;
Yet so, as if it nought concerned me,
But out of meere respect to equitie,
Though I doe prize the justice of his Cause
As much as old Sysambris did his Lawes.
But being heard, I doe demeane me so,
I get both coyne and good opinion too.
Thus doe my plots work for a thriving end,
I poll the poor, yet I'm the poor-mans friend.
Nor am I alwaies held the same I seeme,
For in my time I have a Nigler been:
So as in privacy I sometimes must
With my seer'd bones quench the desire of lust.

213

A faire-poor Client fall she in my dish,
Ile tickle her for forma-pauperis.
Downe goe my trunck-hose with their gravity,
To cope for once with acts of levity;
Her Case Ile put, like to a man of Law,
Bee't right or wrong I doe not care a straw:
My Bon-a-Roba shee the day shall win,
Nor spend a graine, but what she spent in sin,
I weigh not what the world doth Judge of me,
My saplesse-age pleads my Apologie.
“Appius has silent tongue, but speaking eyes,
“Yet who saith Appius loves Virginia lyes.
Yet they can tell you that do better know me,
How none sometimes can have admittance to me.
Fit were it then ye were advis'd when time is,
For now and then I drinke a cup of nimis,
So as to sleep so soundly I betake me,
A thousand Cannons scarcely could awake me.
Yet see my boldnesse! while my thirst I drench
In profuse cups, I sometimes mount the Bench,
And gives my cup-shot-judgement out of hand,
Ere I the Case or Pleadings understand,
And who dare well control me? sith these shelves
Which wrack my wits, my fellows feel themselves.
Besides, if any in my friends Case do oppose me,
I am their Advocate, if they will chose me.
They cannot stand for Seconds, I 'm the man
By all their Pleadings bob me if they can,
Some I have had, and in this English Nation,
Who have stood firmly on their generation;

214

That they were greater and more ancient borne
Then any descent was; but I held in scorne
Their fruitlesse Pleas, to th'Judges I did write,
And made expresse my Byrth, Descent and Scite.
Whereto they condiscended out a hand,
And doom'd my worthlesse brood take upper-hand.
Our Titles are, as wee doe make them good;
And if they crosse us they'r mis-understood,
For what is for us we embrace and love,
But what's against us we doe dis-approve.
Zlid, doe you think that our rich scarlet may
With such a Pension our Retinue pay
Unlesse wee lose by't? No, wee know our time,
And with Duke Humfrey wee'll be loth to dine.

Now for my Circuit so imperious am I,
That though I purchase the distaste of many,
Yet I'm indifferent how they censure me,
I justifie my legall Soveraignty.
My white-lock is ambitious of honour,
Yea, I must tell you, I doe dote upon her.
But in no place am I predominant
So much as when I'm Judge-itinerant:
Where flocks of country Gentlemen do meet me,
And in submissiv'st manner use to greet me;
Like Widgeons some behinde and some before me,
As a terrestriall Idoll they adore me.
Blest is the man, to whom Ile daigne to speake;
And how admir'd when I a jeast doe breake.
'Tis wonderfull to see what preparation
Is daily made for me, and in what fashion

215

Each County entertains mee and my crue,
Who take upon them, give the knaves their due,
As they were petie-Judges in commanding
Weake officers, who have no understanding
But only to admire them, and give way
To their commands, whats'ere they doe or say.
My Tipstaffe is esteem'd a wittie man,
And one (so saith the witless Commonty) who can
Prevaile much with me, for he ever knowes
What way the winde of my opinion blowes.
Nor err they in their judgement, for indeed
Hee that would in his businesse succeede
Must make this man his Orator unto mee,
For he so fitly, to my profit knowes mee,
As be the Cause you recommend to him
Never so foule, yee shall be sure to win.
For, truth is, I dare hardly say him nay,
He knowes my courses so, which to display
Would shame mee quite, so as whats'ere I show,
I must keepe in with him whats'ere I do.
Now when I leave the County where I sit,
(I cannot chuse but jeere them for their wit)
The generous Fry swim to my Chequers bag,
Where one presents mee with a summer Nag,
One with a cast of Hawks, and now and then,
Some Shires Scotch Daggers to my Serving-men;
Others give hunting-Leases, which remaine
For Customs now, and must not off againe.
Yet were these bounteous Babies blest the while,
If all their bounties could procure a smile

216

From my composed Count'nance, but they err
That doe expect me to be popular.
No, I must punctuall be, and set my face
According to the tenour of my place.
My posture is accoutered with braves,
In calling of the Shrieff and Gentry knaves:
None dare affront me while I am in place,
And whom I please, I put to all disgrace.
In Counties where I am at my own finding,
My richly-moultred Mill is ever grinding.
The Gentry, shey have notice by the Shrieves,
And furnish me with Muttons, Veals and Beeves;
Others doe send me Venison and Wine,
So as my Circuit is a joviall time.
For such aboundance of provision have I,
As it would furnish neere a Royall-Navie.
Now lest yee doubt my numerous Retinue
Should want their due or competent Revenue,
I give the meaner sort which doe attend me
Reversions of that store the Gentry send me;
As broken-meat, and beere, all which they prize,
And sell poor people at the end o'th Size.
There's nought unvalued that may mony give,
So well my Meney is inform'd to live.
But for the better sort you may suppose,
(Specially such who help to trusse my hose)
I mint some other profits more then these,
As my Subscription unto Refrences,
Which ignorant people bring, hoping thereby
T'affright their strong and factious enemy:

217

But they'r deceiv'd, for they no more prevaile
By our Referments then an old-wives tale,
Nor shall this trouble us; our men gaine by them,
Come they as thick as hayle wee'll not deny them.
Thus far our Country life hath been exprest,
In Court and City wee'll display the rest.
In Court we seldome come, yet great men know us,
And in a Courtly-garbe petition to us
By their ingenious Agents, and we heare them,
And though their Crimes be odious we forbear them.
Or if to us they should a Letter send
In such an ones behalfe, to be his friend,
Then Stoick-Cato wee'r instructed better,
We passe no Doome before we read the Letter,
For wee've experience of a tickle-seat,
How dangerous it is t' offend the Great:
Wee'll not distaste them then in any case,
Lest they be meanes to put us from our place.
Sometimes we are invited to a Play,
Upon some joviall-ceremoniall-day,
Where we doe presse, as other Sages use,
With grave aspect unto the Banket-house,
And there in Conscript manner doe wee sit,
Admiring of some passages of wit
Which we doe understand as well as he
That tooke Opigena for Mercurie.
But in reserved jests we have a care,
To make men deeme us wiser then we are:
If Great-ones laugh, it is a pregnant jeast,
And we approve it as we hug a Feast.

218

If we be widdowers, though saplesse, old,
Decrepit, crooked, rhumatick and cold;
Yet see what wealth can do, we straight are chosen
As fit to match with such a Great-mans Cosen,
Though shee, poor Girle, rather would be led
Unto her Grave then to a loathed bed:
Yet Will an old-man serve them for a cloake,
And be a Chimney for a greater smoake.
And that 's the cause, no question, when we dy
And leave our wives so large a Legacy,
Why they set their affection on Soldadoes,
That can discourse on nought but Barracadoes:
For such is their strong-temperd resolution,
They love no Judgement like to Execution.
But 'tis no matter for the worlds Sentence,
We get us honour by our wives acquaintance;
Which we so idolize, that we can show it
Even in our pace, as we were borne unto it.
Were it not fit then we should shew all grace
To such as these who raise us to our place?
For tell me seriously, how many have
Deserved well, who never could receive
Any esteeme at all, for all their worth,
Because they had no friend to set them forth?
These liv'd obscurely, and as poorly dyde,
Nor cap'd nor congi'd, nor so much as ey'de,
Or popularly viewd; what was the cause?
They had nought but the knowledge of our Lawes
To give them count'nance, whereas such as we
By our Alliance more authentick be.

219

For there's no place nor person in the Court,
Whereto we may not readily resort
And have accesse, by consequence, successe
In whats'ere we Petition, more or lesse.

But now I must unto the City goe,
Where I am Councellor and dweller too;
Neighbours I have, but principally three,
Who now are Wardens of a Companie,
Men of sufficient wealth, I can assure ye,
And now and then impannell'd in a Jurye:
Of one whereof (I cannot chuse but laugh)
For all he walks now with his Civil-staffe,
Being made Juror of a grand Enquest,
And in's opinion wiser then the rest;
Unto his fellowes that himselfe display'd,
“Thus long have we our Verdicts (friends) delay'd,
“And as ye see it draweth neere to night,
“And we by Law are barr'd from Candle-light,
“Meat, drink, and necessaties, till we give
“Our Verdict up, which die; or which to live.
“Now hear me (friends) we've twelve Indictments here,
“Against twelve prisoners as may appeare;
“To what end should we thus precisely watch them
“Let's hang six and save six, and so dispath them,
Yet this is held a man of choyce esteeme,
And in his white fox-fur sits to be seene
Upon his well-couch'd-Bench, whose Pillars be
As fit t' advise a Company as he.
Yet deigne I with these sage-gulls to discourse,
Nor doe I hold my judgement any worse.

220

The Sun may shine on dung, none can deny it,
And yet receive no stayne nor blemish by it.
The object of their knowledge is my jeast,
The ground of my acquaintance is to feast,
And jeere them for their bounty when they doe it,
Though I must tell you I goe gladly to it.
But for requitall they have none from me,
It is sufficient they've my companie.
“Once in his life the Churle make's his feast,
“And by that feast, his byrth-day is exprest:
Whose rule is my direction, and shall ever;
I'd rather be a taker then a giver.
If they invite us to them we will meet them,
“Though fools make feasts, wise men may go to eat them.
Nor are these all th' delights I cope with here,
I have variety through all the yeere.
Here a fresh Erithrea of choice price,
Came last day privately for my advice,
“Whether a Citizen lawfully might
“Having, (as she put case, laid with a Knight)
“Challenge precedence for her eldest Son
“Fore such an one as had no such thing don?
Whereto I answer'd; might I put her Case,
I little doubt but she should have the place,
And for her Son get that prioritie
Which did belong unto my Progenie.
At which reply, smiling away she went
Silent, which silence did imply consent.

Thus both in City, Country, and in Court,
With a reserved gravity and port

221

I spread my beams of honour, and descry
A select affectation in mine eye.
I looke about me with a glorious vaine,
While my fastidious wagg beares up my traine:
Groundlings I dis-esteeme that crosse the way,
As if I were of better clay then they:
And in a word, so sweetly doe I breath,
I feare no Enemy so much as Death.

The Politicall Ape.

Alas, fond Apes; how shallow doe these show,
Thus to discover whatso'ere they know?
They have no Project be it nere so slight
But must be publish'd to the open light:
Their hearts are in their mouths, which they disclose
Not onely to their friends, but to their foes.
Which lightnes I abhorre; for nere shall hee
Be scholed in the grounds of policie,
Who by experience has not got the art
To make his Tongue a stranger to his heart.
He onely to the hight of wisdome growes
Who seemes as if he knew not what he knows.
His Projects must be neatly shadowed,
His drifts with secret Curtains covered;

222

His Plotts so smooth as the quick'st-sighted men
Cannot with all their sleights discover them.
There's nothing in the World I more detest
Then t'have transparent Windows in my brest;
For by this meanes my inside should be laid
Ope to the world, and all my tricks displaid:
Which would not onely grieve me, but enforce
The World to love me ever longer worse.
In my opinion those Cilician Geese
Are wiser in their secrecy then these,
Who have expos'd themselves to publick view
By making others knowne to what they knew.
For they (as t'is reported) When they fly
Over mount Taurus, least they should descry
Their flight by cackling to those Eagles there
Which in aboundance to those Hills repaire,
With winged speed (for there they dare not tarrie)
They hast, and in their Bills small Stones doe carrie.
Thus by instinct they use a policie
To save them from their furious enemie:
While these tame fools, whom sillie Geese condemne
Will give their foes advantage over them.
But these that dance so blindly in a net
Shall be excluded from my Cabinet;
They are too full of chinks, so let them rest,
“My Secretarie shall be my owne Brest.
In all those Coasts wherein I have remain'd,
I've some experience in my courses gain'd,
Which I made use of to my owne behoofe;
And where I ever seem'd to hold a loofe,

223

I was most interessed still in that,
Yet few could reach the pearch I aymed at.
I never saw that Statseman in my dayes,
(Nor would I have it spoken to my praise)
Whom I in short time could not make my friend,
And finde as soone whereto his aymes did tend.
For thus I wrought him; First I sought to wind
Into his Nature, how he stood inclin'd,
Which found, I most affection us'd to show
To that, which he stood most affected to:
Whereby, as Jet attracts the yeelding straw,
Just as I would, could I his humour draw.
Or by his ends, if once I had displaid him,
I by that meanes would labour to perswade him,
Which he could not resist, seeing me bend
My speech to that whereto his course did tend.
Likewise if my observance found him weake,
I of his Weakenesse would advantage take,
And if he were so stiffe I could not draw him,
His Weaknesse gave me strength to overaw him.
But if he could by none of these be rested,
By meanes of Some where he was interested,
His bosome open'd to receive me in,
Where seiz'd, I tooke in hand to governe him.
In all my time, Man was my onely book,
On which with serious Studie I did look:
Tracing all his demensions to and fro,
For still I dogg'd him where he us'd to go.
Were he a Statist I observ'd him streight,
And poiz'd him too, to finde if he were weight;

224

And now and then I found him wondrous light,
Or else bleere-ey'd and blemish'd in his sight.
For eyther his Ambition did so mad him,
As he would doe what ere his fancy bad him;
Or else his bleered Judgement so deprav'd him,
As still in State-affaires he misbehav'd him.
In which observances I wondred much
(Not without just occasion) any such
Should be advanc'd to place of that esteeme,
Who never knew what State-affaires did meane.
So as more aptly could I not compare
These Spongie Statesmen who are nought but ayre,
Then to that world-wasting Phaeton,
Whose ayme's to guide the Progresse of the Sun,
When they alasse (so simple are these Elves)
Can hardly give direction to themselves.
Nor did I onely limit my Survey
To these who have the glory of the Day,
Sitting like Pilots at the sterne of State,
But such as were of lower Estimate.
Where I observ'd, there was not any vice
Derivative to man form Paradise,
That could her secret Poyson so much smother
As not infuse it selfe in one or other.
For men of all degrees employed were
How to their Seed they might a fortune reere;
Wherein they all contended how they might
Incroach the farr'st upon an others right.
Which practise I approv'd, yet much condemne
The weake and open passages of them;

225

For their projectments scarcely were begun
Till they discover'd all that they had done;
Which gave their foes occasion to prevent,
By timely circumspection, their intent.
I rather relish him can play the knave,
Yet seems as if he knew not to deceive:
For in my books He is the only one
Who hath a wit, yet seems as he had none.
There is no walke that me so much doth pase
As tracing clouds with Aristophanes;
To walke, I meane, obscure, as censure may
Tax neither what I act nor what I say.
Which to effect the better, I doe give
Such satisfaction wheresoere I live;
As there's no rite nor custome that can show it,
But I can soon conform my self unto it.
Yea of my faith a nose of wax I make,
Though all I doe seems done for Conscience sake.
For I addresse my selfe in any case
Unto the disposition of the place:
At Rome I live just as the Romists doe,
Elswhere I live as they'r affected to.
At pure Geneva, Protestant I am,
At Doway or at Rhemes another man;
In Germany a selfe-inspired Luther,
At Amsterdam a Laodicean Neuter,
'Mongst zealous men I seem a hot Precisian,
But when I come within the Inquisition,
Lest, touching my profession, they should doubt me
I carry store of Reliques still about me;

226

Which I suppose to be the only course,
For without these I well might fare the worse.
Thus I conform my selfe to any Rite,
Be he Armenian or Hugonite;
State-stirring Brownist, or a Broughtonist,
Licentious Famulist, or Barrowist,
His Ape I am, and will be so profest,
To make me more familiar with his brest;
On which I worke my aymes, for by my wit
What ere I act, my Conscience shadows it.
For prosper in the world few I know,
And hold concurrence with Religion too;
Which makes me gull the world with a pretence
Of hypocritick zeale and conscience.
For popular opinion's my desire,
So as in th'Country I have built a Quire
Where I and my religious family
Make our repaire (as seems us) usually;
Yet from the Pulpit far remote's my Seat,
Because I am not well resolved yet
In case of Conscience, therefore would I be
Far of, that's doctrine may not trouble me.
The cause is this; as yet I have no time
To treat of any thing that is Divine;
My ayms are plots of profit, plants of pleasure,
For points of Faith, Ile think of them at leisure.
“Who wish unto their aymes an happy end,
“Must in their aymes no other thing intend;
For he that deales much in the world, I trow,
Without the Church, he has enough to doe.

227

Nor with these Politick Rules doe I resort
Only to City, Country, and the Court;
For I these grounded axioms can show
Unto the learned Academie too:
Where with quick eye I may observe their tricks
Withouten Aristotles-politicks.

Here a grand-Senior-Dunce will keep his place,
Although he have a Parsonage in chace;
Which having purchas'd, yet concealing it,
Some yeere or two heel keep his Fellowship.
The selfe-same smooth politicall-abuse
Have I observ'd in Masters of a House,
By whom such Fellowes only are appointed
As had their oylie-fists before annoynted;
So as, though't seem much different to their functiō,
“Nought they affect so much as extreme-unction.
Where no Election can be freely granted,
If he that would be chosen fellow, wanted;
For no admission can be ever made
Untill the Master of the House be paid.
Besides, conveyance of their Colledge-Leases,
Is as the President or Provost pleases;
Which many times themselves they so befriend,
As they convert them to their proper end:
For it is daily seene what course they take,
And what commoditie of these they make.
To all which acts I approbation give,
“For he that cannot sharke, he cannot live.
All Engins must be us'd that we may git
Unto our selves a certain benefit.

228

Nor can he thrive that cannot well dispence
For profits sake, with Faith and Conscience.
From forrain-States intelligence I have,
Which like our weekly Corrants I receive
By means of such as are employ'd for me
In ev'ry place where their occasions be.
These, like Architas wooden-Dove, can bring
Tidings from such a State, or such a King;
So as nought can be done in any Nation,
Whereof my Agents give me not relation:
Which betters my experience in each part,
Making my best friends strangers to my heart.
For he that has the humor to display
Himselfe unto his friend, although he may,
Yet his too open brest shall at no time
Partake of any secrecy of mine:
I may presume my Councells must be showne
By him, who has not brains to keep his owne.
I hold it to be oyle and labor spent
Here to discourse what th'Spanish-treaty meant,
But nere had businesse so strange a carriage;
To make more shows and lesse intend a marriage;
But this was so well shadow'd, give it due,
By th' Spanish Jipsy and her wandring crue,
As I will presse no more this Subject now,
“Only the Cinque-ports must be look'd unto.

Thus have I stor'd my well-experienc'd pate
With Politick-Rules extracted from each State,
Where I have liv'd or conversant have bin,
As there was none but I could humor him.

229

For was he zealous? I could make a shew
Of fervent zeale and of devotion too;
Was he a worldling? I was worldly given,
Discoursing more of Mammon then of heaven;
Was he voluptuous? Ide consort him right,
As one devoted wholy to delight;
In briefe, there was no ranke, degree, nor state,
Which in my selfe I could not personate.
Nor care I much whats'ever the world deeme,
This is my Mott: I am not what I seeme.

The Chymicall Ape.

All rules of Art, of small esteeme I hold
To his, who can extract refined gold
From copper, brasse, or such inferior mettle,
For he can make pure Ophir of a kettle.
Besides, so rare is Art exprest in him,
He may from Lattin, Alchimie or Tin
Draine store of silver bulloyne, with the which
He maks himselfe and his attendants rich.
The Stone, the Stone, O that I had the Stone,
By meanes whereof I might be such an one!
Which Stone I have long studied to obtaine,
Wasting my oyle, weakning my Chymick braine,

230

And still me thought I had it, yet was crost,
For longer that I sought, the more I lost.
Yet forasmuch as I did understand
That many did professe it in the Land,
Whose solid judgements could not chuse but see
That such a thing might well effected bee,
Or else they nere would such estates have spent
In trying of a meere experiment;
I reassumed spirit, and betooke
My selfe more strictly to my golden-Booke.
Besides all this, I heard how Kellie came
By practise of this Art to speciall fame;
An other likewise so experienc'd grew
In this mysterious Art reveal'd to few,
As he an artificiall-tree of gold
Had curiously contriv'd, which daily would
Bud, bloome and blossom, and in branches spring,
Which might be soone a beneficiall thing:
For these Hesperian-plants in time would prove
By their encrease to be a golden-Grove.
All this encourag'd me, hoping one day
The charges I had been at to defray
With plentuous int'rest; but the more I travel'd,
The more I found my senses to be gravel'd.
Limbecks, with artfull forges builded I,
And places too where I my gold might try;
Sev'n yeers and more have I my wits thus bet,
But not a penny-weight extracted yet.
Sometimes unto the Braziers Ide repaire,
And laugh'd at my conceit while I staid there;

231

For I was halfe resolv'd within short space
To change the brasse and copper of that place
Into pure gold, and make my copesmates merry
With transmutation of all Lothberry.
Thus fed I on opinion, laying out
Great summs, till I my purpose brought about,
Which once disburs'd, I never shall receive
But count it lost whats'ere I ventur'd have.
For having spent my fortunes and my wit
In diving to the secrecies of it,
My aymes I bended to another marke,
Resolving now to learne the art to sharke.

For which, that I might more enabled be,
I streight betooke me to a companie
Of wittie Rake-hells, roaringly profest,
And in all forlorne courses bravely flesh't.
Flankt were my troups with bolts, bauds, punks, and panders.
Pimps, nips and tints, Prinado's, highway-standers;
All which were my familiars, and would doe
With quick dispatch whats'ere I put them to.
So as some of my crue of choice account
Did ev'ry Sessions-time up Holborn mount;
Yea I my selfe could Miserere sing
Or I had gone to heaven in a string.
For to relate those nimble tricks we plaid,
Though on the publick Stage they be displaid,
As th'subtile-headed Alchimist can show;
Or th' Alchimists own Ape, Tom Trinculo,
One hold I fitting to be here exprest,
By which you may judge better of the rest.

232

“One of my Foists resolving to resort
“In th'habit of a Courtier to the Court,
“Where he demean'd himselfe as none could deem,
“But he was just the man that he did seem;
“Nor any Courtier there of sweeter scent,
“Nor choycer in his forme of complement,
“More punctual in his gate, or in his looke,
“As one whose postures had been all by th'booke;
“After a turne or two, to th' Table came
“Where two great personages were at game.
“The one whereof, had laid his purse close by,
“His losse upon occasion to supply;
“My Bung observing this, takes hold of time,
“Just as this Lord was drawing for a prime,
“And smoothly nims his purse that lay beside him,
“And all this while the other gamester ey'd him,
“At whom he winks, to move him to conceale it,
“As one that had no purpose for to steale it.
“He that perceiv'd him, thinking him to be
“One of the Court or of his companie,
“Smiling, continued play, and so it rested
“Untill this Lord seeks for his purse, but mist it:
“Whereat the other laugh'd; quoth he, enquire
“Of such an one, and clad in such attire,
“One of your own acquaintance, I suppose,
“Who nim'd you of your purse before your nose.
“Diligent search was made all there about,
“But my ingenious gue had got him out
“Before this inquisition, which secur'd him
“Better then when the court-wals had immur'd him.

233

Thus were my Limetwigs laid in every place,
Who like Blood-hounds had still some game in chase,
Which they pursu'd with such an eager mind,
As where they seiz'd they left small store behind.
Scarce could two country fopps together meete
To heare a cheating ballad in the streete,
But presently some Complices of mine
Took hold of th' opportunity of time;
For while these to the Ballad-monger flocked,
My nimble-Nipps div'd deep into their pocket.

But for as much as I perceiv'd these shifts
Were meerly grounded on apparent thifts,
And that some private foe through in-bred malice
Might be a meanes to bring me to the Gallows,
This sharking trade relinquish'd, I became
A wondrous strange reformed honest man;
An Emp'rick-Doctor, who had Art at will,
Which I derived from my Chymick-Still,
Where I such waters made, as in short time
Doctor Stevens water was lesse priz'd then mine.
Balms, apozems, confections had I store,
Yet th'more I had my Patients wish'd for more:
Such rare effects were daily wrought by these,
As they were Cures for any strange disease.
But that I might seem learned in mine Art,
Of late I've got an Herbal all by heart,
Whereof I make this use; when I can give
No reason why this dies, or that should live,
(For no such depth as yet mine art affords)
I streight confound them with abstrusest words.

234

As Cataplasms, Diarrhicks, Cataclisms,
Concucurbetuls, Emplasms, Paroxisms,
With which I so conjure them, as they cease
To aske me any questions touching these.
“Who for his practise can no reason show,
“He must have words or he's not worth a stroe.
Besides all this, such Authors can I number,
As they that heare me are enforc'd to wonder:
For thus holds Galen, thus Hippocrates,
Thus Silvius holds, thus Dioscorides,
But Paracelsus thus, who in my brest
Hath more esteeme then any of the rest.
Though I was never so on learning set
As I read any of these Authors yet;
Nor care I much, 'tis my desire to seeme
More then I am, to gain me more esteeme.
Some twenty Patients have I here hard by,
Who know not what they ayle, no more doe I,
Yet lest of negligence they me condemn,
Morning and night I duely visit them;
Prescribing them receits to cheere their blood;
Which many times doe far more harm then good.
Yet am I crouded to on ev'ry side,
So as of late I on my foot-cloth ride
By meanes of such a Lord, who had occasion
To try my profound Art this last vacation;
Whose hand of bounty did my state enrich
For curing of an ulcer in his breech.
How glad am I my Chymick-works are done,
Amalga-like they had more Moone then Sonne?

235

More profit doe I reape by one direction
To mine Apothecarie, or inspection
Into my Patients water, then I looke
Ere to receive from all my Chymick-smook;
For Alchymie with piercing Antimonie,
Upon my knowledg cans'd a want of monie.
Minerall metals, Niter, Orochalke,
By th'use whereof I in a cloud did walke,
Hatching such quaint Chymeraes in my braine,
As reaping wind was all that I could gaine.
Hope train'd me on till all my wits were rest me;
I sought for gold, till I no brasse had left me.
But why doe I my weaknesse thus descry?
When men have er'd were wiser held then I,
In making search for this unvalued Stone,
But I must leave them and their wits alone;
They hope a day will come will pay for all,
But I feare such a day will never fall.
So as me thinks I cannot well compare
These men who build strange Castles in the ayre,
More fitly then to those who once did labor
To take a Hare with playing on a Taber.
Fly-brasse; no Chymick but a Physick-ape
Since I left Mercury for Æsculape:
My practise now 's cleere of another nature,
Trading before in Smoake but now in water.
Now am I us'd with choycest entertaine,
Had in esteeme wheres'ever I remaine;
In City, Court, and Country harbored,
With free accesse unto a Ladies bed,

236

Whilest her weak husband thinks she Physick wants,
And for my Potion gives me hearty thanks.
Streight she protests my Pills doe only please her,
Thus much I'm sure, they for that season ease her;
For application is the soveraignst thing
That may conceiving to a woman bring.

There is a lovely-Lady in this land,
Whom I have had these two yeeres under hand,
Yet I for manners sake will laine her name,
But trust me, shee 's a hen that loves the game,
Who has been long time barren; yet have I
By art and other things I did apply,
Made her a fruitfull Mother; yea some say
That shee conceiv'd the very selfe same day
That I did minister; but I divine
It came right neeere unto that very time.
And I am glad on't; for I doe not see
How he had Heir'd his Land withouten mee.
The babe is full of hope, and will no question,
For his Syres sake, love men of our profession.
But 'tis no matter, now in grace I am,
And shall be dead before he be a man;
Thus much entirely shall I wish unto him,
Hee'd be no Alchymist, it will undo him;
For other Arts, a Gods name take his venter,
This is so deepe I thinke it has no center.

Nor am I only practis'd in the Court,
But in the Country too to make me sport.
Here Granam Gurton will be sick for love,
And I must scent some love-procuring-Glove,

237

To cause her sweet-heart more affection show,
And this I promise out a hand to doe.
Some foure houres after I make known to her,
That I've confer'd with my familiar,
Who has engag'd his word before one weeke,
Hee whom she seeks shall for her fancy seeke.
Shee payes me well, and hopes all shall be mended,
But I am gone before halfe weeke be ended.
Young wenches too I have exceeding store,
And I content them all, what would they more?
Only some zealous-Sisters doe refraine
To come unto me, but I know their ayme;
They daily so increase and multiply
Among themselves, they need none such as I.

Thus have I traced many dangers ore,
And now at last arived on the shore;
I like the Horse-leach feed upon their blood
To whom I seldome tender any good:
My Patients are my profits, nor care I
Leg of a Dog whether they live or die.
This is the highest pitch of all my skill,
How to draw up a Pothecaries bill
Of ounces, drams & doses, wch long Item
(Wer't not for gain) would tyre me much to write'em.
Within few moneths I hope I shall not need
On other mens infirmities to feed;
My ten yeers practise so much treasure gaine me,
As ten at hundred now may well maintaine me.

238

The Criticall Ape.

Now by my life, a blind man may discover
A Ship of fools or Dottrells new come over.
Have you heard such a crue of brainless Skulls,
As if they had been bred i'th' Ile of gulls,
Boast of the Vilanies that they have done,
Meaning to end just as they have begun?
Heere a great Lord like one of Isis Asses
In my conceite all other fooles surpasses;
For he consumes his Lungs when he doth see
Any Man grac'd or in esteeme but hee.
'Tis worth observing too, to note how sin
Retaines a kinde of priviledge in him.
Be his vile courses nere so indirect,
The greatnesse of his place will him protect,
And give such lustre to his vices too
As they like vertues shine in outward show.
For where Ambition or Oppression either,
Yea all enormious vices put together
Are covered with State, inferiours love them,
At least there 's few dare censure or reprove them:
So as that maxim's true in my conceit,
“It is a rare Sight to be good and great.

239

But I doe heare this high-aspiring fellow,
Is in a single combat or Duello
Upon disgraces offer'd, prest to fight
With an Hispaniolized Favorite;
But I'm perswaded neither of them both
(So highly grac'd they are) but will be loth
To shed one others blood, hows'ere they prate it,
Unlesse they be dispenst with for the Statute.
But should one kill the other in this sort,
I thinke the State had cause to thanke them for't.

Now Verulam, good Man, is in his grave,
I muse who shall his House and Title have;
That spatious-specious-pretiouss refectorie,
Which cost a world of wealth, so saith the storie:
Those peble-paved Brookes, empaled Lakes,
Thick clad with countless sholes of Ducks & Drakes.
For's Ladie, she has got one now, will busse her,
And chang'd her Uselesse Vicount for her Vsher;
Whence th' Crosse-inne may report, as sure it will,
“A Countesse dain'd to lye her Vnder hill.
For him whome some call his adopted Heire,
Our waggs point at the Tow'r, and say hee's there,
Where he with his She Cousins plays at Gleeke,
Though some make bold to say he's in by th'weeke.
But what is that to me! this would I know
Whether he be Saint Alban yea or no.
Saint Alban! no; yet Alban was a Martyr,
And one each gate, i'th Towne bestow'd a quarter;
Now th' State might well afford it to bestow
That Style on him, would he be Martyr too.

240

For I ne're read that any Age did call
Saint Alban Martyr Lord High Admirall.
But God will have a stroake in every Man,
Witnesse the dismall shot of Eglesham,
Whose fate was this Dukes fall, enforc'd to loose
Those Honours by a stabbe whereto he rose;
“So weake's that Arch of Greatnesse which relyes
“On Complements and meere formalities:
But God is mercifull, as he is just,
To whom, with whom I leave him, so I trust.

Next him, an Ape of pleasure or delight,
A very sensual fleshly Sibarite;
And he triumphs, fond Ape, as much as may be,
In favors shewn him by his wanton Ladie.
Yet should he but unto the world be sent
Nak'd, he would die for want of nourishment;
For then his outward beauty would deceive him,
His consorts loath him, and his pleasures leave him.
For this mine axiom is, He that doth find
“More comfort in his body then his mind,
“May feed, and glut, and gormandize his time,
“Yet all this while he lives but like a Swine;
“Who spends his dayes in Surfeits and in Sinning,
“Making his end far worse then his beginning.

Next him, a shallow, weake, vaine-glorious-gull,
Of styles and titles who is stuck so full,
As there is none, such honours doe befall him,
That know to day, to morrow how to call him.
Yet lend your ear, I'le tell you in a word
What this Colossus is, A Spongy Lord,

241

Whose merit's meane, whose apprehension small,
Great onely in his Titles, that is all.
The way by which he seekes esteeme to gaine
Is this, he strives great States to entertaine;
Conduits run Rhenish, and the Kings high street
Smells of his odours and his perfumes sweet.
In publique wayes his bounty he displayes
In Sucket, Bisket, Wafers, Carawayes;
At one reere-supper in expence more large
Then all his yeares Revenues will discharge.
The height of his Ambition is to get
By Citizens acquaintance into debt;
But I suppose till he has paid old score,
They will be loath to lend him any more:
Then let him paune his Honour, but this age
Is farre too wise to credit such a gage.
This Ape hows'ere in State himselfe he beare,
He can with patience take a box o' th'eare
And n'ere repine, as if he did allow it
More Courtier-like to take a wrong then do it;
For he through meekenes of his spirit doth prize
Patience above the weight of injuries.

Next a licentious selfe-conceited Ape,
Who in the Court such sport doth daily make,
The Ladies, he protests, so value him
They would not want the Wag for any thing.
His Parentage he likewise doth disclose,
Least his descent should admiration lose,
Which he describes, and I believe him, thus;
A Courtier gat him of a Succubus;

242

Of whom both bred and flesht, he nightly trades
In darke Court-entries with his Ladies maides:
Which Ladies well observing, doe attire
Themselves like maids, that they might have like hire.
In ev'ry Mask, Court-show or Enterlude,
He must make one, or it is holden rude;
For (as he thinks) he is by Ladies eyde,
More then all those that are employ'd beside.
Yet let me tell you, this conceited fancy
Whereof he labours, brought him to a phrensy;
Nor is he yet recover'd, but inchain'd
Untill his madding humor be reclaim'd.

Next him a wastefull, formall fashion-monger,
A finicall, superfluous state-wronger,
Who boasts of his invention in devising
All those strange fashions in our State arising,
Which by his travaile were first brought a shore,
For to this Ile they were not knowne before.
Nor is his forraine travell unrequited,
So much are we with his conceit delighted;
For to discharge the debt that we doe owe him,
A yeerly-Pension doe we pay unto him.
Wee pay unto him! No; I scorne it I,
That any such Pie-colour'd Butter-flie
Should gaine by me or any one of mine,
To geld the State, or gull the present time.
Yea rather then Ide second such a Cheat,
Ile see his carrion-gutts about his feet.
But I commit him till he pay his Tayler
To Brokers-Lavender, or to the Jayler,

243

Where let him lie in nastie, nittie-linnen,
Till he make satisfaction for his sinning.

Next an Observing-Ape, who travels Nations
To gaine him knowledge by his Observations,
Glories in those strange coasts where he hath beene,
And in the Novels he hath heard and seene.
Nought he observes but he relateth it,
And yet me thinks, he somthing doth omit:
Which if he had remembred, sure I thinke,
Could not so soone into oblivion sinke.
But I must tell him of it; “Sir, do you heare?
“A strange Conjunction hapned this last yeere
“Twixt Mars and Jupiter; pray now divine
“What this Prognosticates to after time.
“Some, and the wisest, of opinion are
“That it presageth famine, others warre,
“Others, some pestilent-disease occurring,
“Causing men die on heapes by such a murrin.
“But what is your opinion?—l'as poor sot,
He eyther has forgot or knoweth not
What Constellations meane! But sirra, you,
Who knows more coasts then ere Columbus knew;
While forraine-Country wonders are made known,
You much forget this Country of your owne.
For in this Iland where your selfe was borne,
Did you nere visit Glastenbury-Thorne?
Saint Thomas Beckets path, his Shrine, his Cell?
The Civit-senting Mosse of Win'freds well?
The Stones of Salsbury-plain, which none can number?
The Stones of Whitby-strand, that Snakie wonder?

244

Bruertons Logg which on a Mote doth lye,
And sinking bodes, The Ancestor must dye.
Or of Saint Quintins (as Ive heard it told)
Whose ancient Seat is Harpham on the would,
Where at such times as chiefe of th'house shall dy,
A Drum to th'hearing of the neighbours by,
For three daies space together sounds alarum,
(A gentle easie summons to prepare him.)
Which dying march, (as I have understood)
Issues from th'covert of a shadie wood,
But whence or how produc'd, that know not I,
(A Sacred-Secret Seal'd from mortall eye.)
But it implies (this Charity will grant)
He dies a Champion ith'Church militant.
Or of those Cornish-Choughs I'm sure you heare,
Which built at Claughton once in Lancashire,
Who, as I've heard it there reported oft,
When a late Ancestor sirnamed Croft
Deceas'd, fled streight from thence (but God knows whither)
Where they had built for many yeeres together.
Which ominous or no, I cannot tell,
Nor what it boded can I gather well,
But people thereabout affirme, it wants
Her ancient priviledg'd inhabitants,
Who left their Country-coast, their native nest,
And took plantation where they liked best.
Or of those rare, intestine, civill-warres,
Or fatall skirmishings of Irish-Stares,
Where son with father fought, daughter with mother,
Shedding the reeking blood of one another:

245

Nor could their quenchlesse rage extinguish'd be,
But by an universall Tragedie;
For there was scarce one left (as I 've heard say)
To bring their fellowes word, who won the day.
So hot is fury (as appear'd by these)
As it respects no State, Sex, nor Degrees,
But breathing forth revenge holds on the fight
A tedious Summers day from Morn to Night.

But sure these News are come unto your eare,
The bruit whereof's dispers'd in every sheare:
The fatall vesper (Man) where th'Romish pastor
Brought to himselfe and numbers more disaster.
Which tragick act should not so censur'd be
As if those men had sinned more then we;
For those on whom the Towre of Siloam fell
Were not the worst, as is observed well:
But rather let 's this application make,
(That of Gods judgements we may warning take:)
“If th'best employment that a Christian hath
“Be not secure from th' violls of Gods wrath,
“And that he spareth not, for our exemple,
“To chastise those who doe frequent his Temple;
“How can we look, when any of us come
“To Sinks of Sinne, but he will pay us home?
“We make our Brothells Temples, & in Stewes
“Our Saintly-formalists erect their Pewes;

246

“If Places of devotion then receive
“Such fearfull ruines as of late some have;
“How can these sensuall Synagogues but fall?
“Well, Boyes, a day will come will pay for all.

But sure he hears these news, for none be newer,
I meane that Ratsbane-Academick Bruer,
Who rather then he would his Bev'rage lose
Poyson'd rare hopefull Plants, as th' rumor goes.
Yet he lives still and flourisheth, nay more,
Continues selfe-same trade he us'd before;
Whereas if Justice executed were
Upon th' offender, as his crimes appeare,
“Who caus'd these Schollers such Rats deaths to dy,
“Should die a dogs-death, more have thought then I.

But sure you heare, (for who is 't heareth not)
Of th' monstrous fish in Vistula late got,
Which wore a triple-Miter on his head,
And on whose back were lively figured
Saint Peters-keyes, a partizan of warre,
Which Wizards doe divine predictions are
Of some strange thing that's likely to ensue,
Now what that is Ide gladly know from you.
Fall upon Rome, you answer somthing will,
But I would heare whether 't be good or ill:
For under cope of heav'n no State I know
But some occurrent it is subject to:
Wherefore resolve me, Sir, before you go,
Whether it bodes our State some good or no;
Or whether this same monstrous fish divine
Some doubtfull alteration in our time;

247

For sure I am nought can escape your dish
(If fit to be observ'd) be 't flesh or fish.

But sure you 've heard or seen that fearfull vision,
Which th' wiser sort have held in great derision;
That white-mayl'd-Army marshalling her power,
All rankt in battail'ray on Burnley Moore;
Where not a man but vented his conceite;
One said it was an enemy to th' State,
Some Spinola that mortally doth hate us:
Some thought it was a Posse Comitatus
Rais'd in the County, purposely to seaze
On some Recusant for arrerages.
But most men held it was great Bacchus train,
Had shot those Squibs & Streamers in their brain:
For most of these that for this Vision stood
Could scarce discern a Souldier from a Cloud.

But sure you heare (for 'twas within this sennet)
How Birds would be of th' Order of Saint Bennet,
How Raven, Crow, Pie, Sparrow (pretie Soule)
Flockt about Bennet, as sh'ad been an Owle:
How Raven taken in a golden dreame,
Would needs a naked Benedictan been,
Till th' sweet tun'd Finch with his melodious pleading,
Split Raven quite and plum'd him for his treading.
Which sharpe encounter cost Musæus more
Then all these Fowles could ever yet restore.

But zlid, Ide like forgot! he cannot chuse
But heare of Bugle-blues and Titre-tues,
Choice blades, brave youths; yea I durst almost sweare
That he has notice what their Projects were,

248

So as whats'ere he speak in 's own defence,
He cannot chuse but have intelligence,
And therefore should be censur'd;—'las not he,
Though he pretend some Rules of policie
Whereon his erring Observations stand,
He's held the veriest Widgeon in the land;
“For like a bottle (howsoere he show him)
“Nought he retaines, unless 't be put into him.
“So as me thinks I fitly may compare
“This simple Sot unto that muddie Maire,
“Who of his wisdome self-opinionate,
“Like to some state-observing Magistrate,
“Mongst other things which he was glancing at,
“Observ'd one weare a ribband in his hat
“Of dang'rous colour, for the field was blue,
“Whence he infer'd he was a Titre-tu,
“An enemy to th' State: streight to the place
“He sends his ale-tipt-Sergeant with his Mace,
“To summon this Titerian to appeare
“And show some cause why he such toyes did weare.
“The youth accosts the Maire; the Maire the youth;
“Who having stroakt his beard & wipt his mouth,
“Charg'd him upon th' Allegiance which he bore
“His Prince, to show why he such ribbands wore?
“Sir, quoth the youth, most Boyes in all our Parish
“Such ribbands weare in honor of our Morish.
“In honor of your Morish, quoth the Maire,
“You and your Morish shall taste both one fare.
“Brethren this Morice is a welshman borne,
“Who on Saint Davies day weares Leeks in scorne

249

“Of us true English-Brittains—I think meete
“To set you and your Morish both by th'feete;
“For we doe know hows'ere these Ruffins prate,
“Ribbands and Leeks are stratagems of State;
“Which well effected, to the Court Ile come,
“And show the Prince what service I have done.

But were this State-sot ignorant of these,
Has surely heard of th' massacre of Reze,
So many Ensignes, Colours, Streamers, Standers,
Ancients, Lieutenants, Colonells, Commanders,
So many Heroes which we sometime had
In Coate of male, but now in Durance clad;
So many maine Land-pieces which did breath
The seldom welcome Embassie of death,
Seaz'd and surpriz'd, so as it may appeare,
The French at no time sold their salt so deare.
While some doe think th' English had won the day,
But that their Generall was slunke away;
But this is but some flying-false report,
And they that spread it would be censur'd for 't;
For is it likely such a man as he,
So stout (So sayes the Corrant Historie)
Should be on Sea, and scarcely understand
How his Commanders far'd that were a Land?
Or He rest safe from shot of Enemy,
And his whole Navy in such jeopardy?
Or so well entertain'd at his approach,
As to be sent for by the Kings owne Coach?

250

Bells to be rung in consort, which descry'de
The sorrow they conceiv'd for those that dide?
Bonefires erected in each publique streete,
With perfumes mixt, fit for a man so sweete,
And he deserve so ill? I cannot see
How a wise State should so deluded bee.
For nere was England brought to such a lurch,
Their Colours trail'd unto Saint Michaels Church
And reer'd in all contempt, as who should say,
Nere France ore England had a fairer day.

But our adherence now helps one another
As well becomes a reconciled Brother:
Which gallant Juncto may enrich our State;
Becoming sharers in the Silver plate.
Nor doe we feare, but wee next yeere shall catch it,
Should Argus & th' Hesperian-Sisters watch it.
Yet Ile be thus opinion'd till I die,
And so are many persons more then I;
Had but that martiall militarie place,
Seene but his sweet and amiable face,
It would have beene with admiration charm'd
To see Adonis like Bellona arm'd;
For had those Amazons so bravely bred
Been there encamp'd, they would have yield or fled.
But we are quite deceiv'd, the Golden-Fleece
Surprizeth Souldiers more then Ambergreece.

Where hath this great Observer been the while,
And never view'd these wonders of our Ile?
In Court hee'll say to make himselfe some sport;
Well go to Sir, you must be jerked for 't,

251

And that will learne you wit another time,
To draw a curtaine o're a great-mans crime.

But see you Silke-worme! who is one of those
Who scents the street with perfume where he goes;
A Courtly carpet-Ape who takes delight
In giving Raines unto his appetite.
There's many things which he doth glory in,
As first, he makes a profit of the king,
Farming his imposts at such easie rate,
As he both cheats the Prince and wrongs the State.
The next abuse, which addes no lesse disgrace
To men made eminent by ranke or place,
Is that he hath pow'r wheresoere he please
For to dispose of all Court-offices.
Besides, there's not a Captaine in the Land
Receives Exchequer-pay but from his hand;
Which must be guelt, as use hath beene before;
To make the Courtier rich, the Captaine poor.
He bestows Honors too, which to the cost
Of the receiver, fall on him bids most:
So he who hath deserv'd no stile at all
May have his penniworth when Markets fall.
To dignifie his undeserving pate,
The Academie makes him graduate,
Where if the Master of a House deceases,
He placeth and displaceth as he pleases.
I wonder much the State will suffer him
Thus to triumph and riot in his sin;
But sure he plays not such vile pranks as these,
Boasting too highly of his rogueries;

252

For many Court-pips be there that I know,
Who make a shew of more then they can doe:
If this be so, he well deserves descrying,
And to be cudgell'd roundly for his lying.

But see yon City-Mammon how he struts,
As full of Sinns as he is stuff'd with Guts!
For nimble tricks I doe not know his match,
So sliely can the Urchin Cony-catch,
As none but he would think and see his feat,
That he had serv'd a Prentiship to cheat.
If he owe more then he intends to pay,
He seekes by all the conning meanes he may,
To frustrate his weake Creditors, whose Wits
Goe a wool-gathring, he Protection gits:
So as the hopes they ground on are but small,
For by this course he wipes their Nose of all.
Yet tickles he my itching spleene with laughter,
And makes me smile, I sweare, a sennet after,
To thinke how he deludes that Ape o'th Court,
Who labours his Protection in this sort.
He tells him, he shall in his Fortunes share,
And at his death he shall be made his Heire,
Upon which deed of gift the Gull relyes,
And's like to hang himselfe when th' Merchant dyes;
For now when he should seize upon his store,
He finds an other seiz'd thereon before.
In ev'ry Faire too he his tricks can play,
And sharke, and cheate, and profit day by day;
For Country people they so simple are,
They scarce discerne good from adulterate ware.

253

Besides all these, if th' Academie looke
Not to themselves, and shun his dangerous hooke,
He hath a tricke to gull them with the show
Of Sattin foreparts, Silken halfe-sleeves too.
But let him looke to 't, though his profits be
Great to him selfe, yet his posteritie
Drawn from ye loyns of this broad-spreading tetter,
I'm so resolv'd, will never thrive the better.

Next him the Country Boar comes leering in,
So simple-seeming as he knew no sin;
But he that holds him so 's a simple man,
For he can cheat as well as others can:
Yea he that holds him so let him but try him,
And he will finde himselfe no gainer by him.
He makes a shew, that so his tricks may passe,
That he can hardly tell to Michaelmas,
And so precise, some will not stick to say,
He will not lend his Bull on Saboth Day:
Yet for Oppression, Biting usurie,
Rapine, Extortion, hatefull Simonie,
He scorns that any one should put him downe
In Court, in University, or Towne.
Yet see this Erwig, How he starves himselfe,
For all his substance and injurious pelfe;
The more he has the more he seemes to lack,
Indebted both to Bellie and to Back:
For his hid trash he labours so to smother,
He'l neither feed the one nor cloath the other.
But leave him to himselfe; for such as these
May be compared to Hermocrates,

224

Who when he saw sad deaths approaching houre,
Did make himself his own Executour;
And being ask'd the reason, did reply,
I got my wealth, who should dispose't but I?

But eye me yon Church-Chuffe, how broad he struts,
With thighs and legs ore-pentis'd by his guts!
A formall apish timist, who delights
In fauning on our rising favorites;
Who once profest compassion to the poor,
Bolts charity and pity out of door.
A zeale-pretending halting Laodicean,
Or Mountebank adulterate Physitian,
Who with 's infectious drugs corrupts his sheepe,
And with his leaden-Sermons makes them sleepe.
If a sound Lay-Divine profoundly write,
His worke gets scarce admittance to his sight:
For this spruce-damask-Cassoked Divine,
Will have no books divulged in his time,
But such as relish of his oyle-spent Lampe,
Though like base bulloigne they deserve no stampe.
Thus Ignorance must censure what we doe,
Raze and deface our choicest Labours too:
So as this Ænobarban Bacchanist
For th' Presse is now made sole Monopolist:
For there's no Author without Achans wedge
May ever hope to get his priviledge.
If this be longer suffer'd, I professe
To make my Trunk my Print, my Deske my Presse.

255

He has confest he counts it as no sin
By th'window to a Living to get in,
For he has presidents of divers men
That doe the like, and he will follow them.
But if he see a vertuous exemple,
It's not so soon admitted to his Temple.
Well, if Oppression, Rapine, Injury,
Equivocation or Church-Simony,
Ambition, Assentation, Insolence,
Licentious life, and loose Non-residence
May under Church-mens copes securely fight,
I vow to God I'le be made Deacon streight;
For there is no Profession in this Nation
Save this, for such crimes may get dispensation.

Now shield me deare Justinian! who comes here!
O Sir, I know you by the Robes you weare:
That conscript habit cannot shroud your sin,
Unrip your case, Sir, shew me what's within.
Shall I be your Anatomist? I will,
And squeaze your ulcerous corrupted ill.
This Lime-hound hath disparaged the State
By his injurious judgement, and with hate
Of God and all good-men, as well appears,
Grows rich by Orphans cryes and Widows tears.
He may for forme-sake to the Temple goe,
Because he hath no other thing to doe,
But it is only done to take a nap
And thank God for't: he sleeps i'th Churches Lap.
Bribes have so stuff'd his Cushion none can wake him
Till wrath and fury dog and overtake him.

256

Hee'd hug Astræa if she were a Whoor,
But being pure, he kicks her out a door.
Hee's in such grace, he scorneth opposition,
Conscience hee'l harbour upon no condition.
His chap-fallen chin is shrunk below his Navell,
Yet hugs he gold till's mouth be fill'd with gravell.
He limits his nice Dame, what she shall pay
For this or that, who hopes to see a day
When his corrupted corpse reduc'd to dust
Shall give free scope to her restrained lust.

But note yon politick State-underminer,
Of Machiavels opinions late refiner;
How he condemns those Apes which went before,
Yet to be censur'd he deserves far more
Then all the rest: For hath not he confest,
And made himself as guilty as the rest?
He taxeth them of opennesse (poor Elfe)
When he incurres like weaknesse in himselfe.
So as I think, whats'ere he seem to know,
Hee's lesse in substance then he is in show.
Tracing the clouds with Aristophanes,
He comes farre short of Aristomanes,
Who strait-immur'd, as stories doe report,
Within a ragged Rock, an aged Fort,
When he with other noble Captains were
In Lacedemon kept close prisoner;
To free them from these unrelenting Rocks,
For shame (quoth he) Let's imitate the Fox,
Who were he here, hee'd gain him libertie,
Let's not come short of him in policie.

257

No more they did, for digging those rag'd shelves,
Within short time they after freed themselves.
But this State-polititian works his ends,
By making all he treats with his firme friends;
And with pretence of Conscience ties them to him,
Causing thē think he's same man he doth show him:
But I make little doubt, when these have tride him,
But they'l decest him, having once descride him.
“This Ile avouch, and stand to 't when I've done,
“He that is friend to all, is friend to none.
Let him then gull his friends, engrosse his sin,
Till he have no friend left to burie him.

But hold sides that ye burst not, luck befall
This Paracelsian Chimick-Urinal!
Who would not laugh to heare him cry, the Stone,
The Stone, the Stone, as if he had just none?
Or that his paine had caus'd him show the madder,
By reason of some gravell in his bladder.
But 'las, poor seered thing, he cannot see
His Chymick-works will ever usefull be.
For though he once presumed on his wits,
To turne Spits, Jacks and brazen Candlesticks
Into pure gold, his muddie braines grow wearie,
“Brazers may use their trade in Lothberrie.
This Cricket now is turn'd a water-caster,
Since which blest time his wealth grows daily faster;
For as he vaunts, where ere he make resort,
Bee't to the City, Country or the Court
He's only priz'd and had in all esteeme,
Yet knowes not what the Rules of Physick meane.

258

If this be so, it cannot be denide,
Under his hand but many men have dide,
So as no other reason see can I,
But that the Lawe should censure him to die:
An Homicide is hang'd if he kill any,
What sense is't he should live has kild so many?

Thus have these Apes display'd them, so could I
If I my tricks would labour to descry;
But this my feare is, if I should descry them,
By their discovery some might profit by them;
Which would much grieve me, such an one I am,
As I nere wish'd for good to any man:
Yea I may sweare, I know not one alive
That with my heart I could desire to thrive.
But if I might impeach their name; Ide doe it,
Or doe them any harme, Ide quickly show it:
Their imputation is my joy, their hurt
The only pleasant game that makes me sport.
When Timon, my deere friend, once chanc'd to see
A mans wife hanging on a wild-figtree,
O (quoth he) It would Timon highly please
That ev'ry bough brought out such fruit as these;
For then our wives would sing a silent dittie,
And we should need no Cuck-stools in the Cittie!
The like wish I; nor doe I only wish
To woman kinde that heavie doome of his,
For I'm indifferent for sexes both,
This could I never love, and that I loth.
Æsope I hug, and I doe honour him,
Who in a tale brought

Arist. de part. anim. l. 3. c. 2.

Memus chafing in;

259

And in reproofe of nature did proceed,
For setting Bulls-horns rather on his head
Then on his shoulders, being stronger part;
In which respect preferd he curious art
Before the hand of nature: for, quoth hee,
Such over sights in Art Wee seldome see.
His steps I follow, for I tartnesse show
To th'choicest works of art and nature too:
Nothing can please me in this globe of earth
But others woes, whose moans afford me mirth.
If on a learned worke I chance to looke,
Though I've no judgement I can taxe the booke,
And call the Author for his paines a foole,
Yet past two Months I never went to Schoole.
By meanes whereof, and home-bred education,
One taught me th' rules of a Prognostication;
Streight by direction from an Erra pater,
I knew ech distinct Planet and his nature.
Which known, I could not brook my Country well,
But in acquaintance with some Gipsies fell;
Whose chiefest Bung and Captain now I am,
And held in Palmistrie the only man:
Where though I cannot sing the Gipsies song,
I am as merrie as the day is long.
For if a Milk-maid come to me and crave,
Ide tell her when she shall a Husband have;
Or an old Chrone, that I to her would show,
Whether she must out-live her Grub or no;
Hows'ere their fortune be, better or worse,
My dainty-Doxie nims away their purse;

260

With which we merrie make and bravely rore,
With some stolne Pullen that we have in store.
Truth is, since I kept square with these, I find
My selfe and my affections worse inclin'd
Then ere they were before; nor doe I care,
“They that fare well may reputation spare.
“He must be stain'd, consorts with such as these,
“He that lies downe with dogs must rise with flees.
Thus in each Village I and my ragg'd nation
With canting gibrish doe we make our station;
In Corporations we doe seldome tarrie,
Because of Statutes to the contrarie.
For other Coasts such Officers we find,
That though they see us, yet they will be blind;
For now and then, they'r such kind natur'd men,
They will not stick to eate with us a Hen.
But I repent me, I so much have said,
Lest some that heare me, come to learne my trade.

These stale newes the Critick purposely recounts, to taxe this Observer of palpable weaknesse.

These Novels relate to the time wherein they were first writ, being according to the Original. An. 32.

Oleum quod impendi circa vineam, immisi in Scrinium.

To the State-Critick.

Why, who are you? whence came you? what's your name?
That you should taxe the State, or touch her fame?

261

Is it your manners Sir, to chide great men,
And with your tarter lines to nettle them?
Admit you meet with some that nere did good,
As deepe in sinne, as they are high in blood,
What priviledge have you receiv'd from us
To mixe your Inke with gall and Copprice thus?
Are you a man of such account I pray,
As th'State should notice take of what you say?
Have we not in this famous Ile one Sage,
Nor one Wise Master in this latter age,
That can reprove the errours of our time
Without the help of your caprichious Line?
Is now your rurall straine of Melibæus
Mixt with Thersites humour or Tirteus?
Are great mens crimes your Subject? and must they
Tast of your Whippe, when they doe goe astray?
But let us heare how you your spleene expresse,
Which Sir implyes your male-contentednesse.
Some have so blushlesse and so shamelesse beene,
To let their Coach and foot-cloth Horse be seene
At common Strumpets dores; to rouze a whoor;
Why, I have seene this Critick, and much more:
And vaild my bonnet, with Godsave your Honour.
Just as his Lordship came dismounted from-her
And I conniv'd at this, and would not see,
Though light was not more manifest to me
Then his Licentious actions: now must you
Bring these concealements to a publique view?
I know a Lord with choicest gifts enricht
Who, as report goes, is of late bewitcht,

262

And to a Doctor goes to cure those spels,
But they that know him, think 'tis something elss.
And will not stick vnder the Rose to speak
That this same Docter is (indeed) his Tweak.
But what have they or I to doe with him?
If it be so, 'tis but a Lordly Sin.
Many have beene, and so no doubt will be,
Bewitcht with Objects meaner farre then she.
Yet I'me resolv'd they judge not farre amisse,
Who say that he 's Bewitcht, for so he is:
For who, unlesse drawne in by some impostor,
Would such a Blouse to his dishonour, foster?
Now were it fit, like Glow-wormes, to discover
Matings and meetings of so great a Lover?
Admit you know extortion in the Land,
In officers corruption under hand,
Symony, Brocage, Rapine, Sacriledge,
May you not see the Age grant priviledge
To such State-epidemicall diseases?
“What profit gets, it generally pleases.
Why Sir, I see as much as you can see,
For my whole life is Albions scrutinie:
In City, Court and Country I doe want
For no intelligence, for I doe hant
With circumspection every nooke and angle,
And how our State-impostors doe intangle
Our unexperienc'd New-comes, I observe it,
And how they'r honour'd most that least deserve it.
All which I could display, and draw the lines
Of all their actions to succeeding times

263

To make men wonder at, but pray thee, say,
Would this reclaime these State-moaths any way?
Or dart a blush in any of their faces?
Or make them wearie of their purchas'd places?
Or strike a terrour in their conscience?
Or reinstall lost justice to her Bench?
Would it make one man good that now is evil?
Or weane one soule from serving of the devill?
Lasse no Sir; Though from God you have your warrant,
And faithfully perform his sacred arrant,
When so small benefit is wrought by th' Pulpit,
Doe you by Satyrizing hope to help it?
Is all the Tribe of Levi so farre short
Or shallow to improve, reprove, exhort,
As they must silenc'd be, while you begin
To taxe their Coat, because they taxe not sin?
You are too bold, Sir, in your fluent straine,
And tenders that which none will entertaine:
For doe you thinke we live in such an Age
A Clergie man will loose a Parsonage
Before he scourge not sinne? it cannot be;
For how should he relieve his familie,
His hopefull Olive branches with his Spouse,
With all the holy Meynie of his house;
If he should not dispence with his Creatour,
And smooth the sinne of his Impropriatour?
Or that an Officer in any Court,
Will rectifie himselfe by your report;
Or purchase to his soul least hope of blesse
By taking of a poore man one fee lesse?

264

For though Extortion be, I grant, a sin,
This course would goe well neere to begger him:
A place that at so deare a rate is bought,
Must be imploy'd for gaine, not sold for nought.
Or that a Lawyer should his practise make
Lesse for himselfe, then for his Clyents sake?
Or use that glibberie member of his Tongue,
To further right, and not to bolster wrong?
For so he should grow out of practise quite,
And wrong himselfe, by doing others right.
For right and wrong though they contraries be,
Yet wrong does right, if it bring in a fee?
Or a Physitian, whose Empyrick Hand
Must kill downe right before he understand,
Should apprehend remorse, when, as by doses
He weighs his Physick out, but not the losses
Of his abused Patients, who with grones
Must loose their lives and substance both at once:
These hauing novght to give must be forsaken,
And if they die the care is quickly taken?
Or a Civilian, though Conscience be
The Object of his Law, will loose his fee,
Or not protract a Cause and make a sturre
By plodding some impertinent demurre:
For he such store of Presidents can show,
That their examples tell him what to doe,
And will secure him: onely let pretences
Guilded with sanctity disguise offences.
Or that a Rorer will his Oathes forbeare
Or shudder when he does Gods judgements heare;

265

Or leave his Brothells, or his midnight revells,
Or leave consorting with his femal Devels?
For so he should abandon all his joy,
And loose the Title of a roring Boy;

No, Sir, these taskes surpasse a Critick straine,
And make him wash the Blackamoore in vaine.
Yet I perswade me, you exprest your zeale
In your dimensions, to the Commonweale;
And that your meaning was to waine the State
From some of that which all good people hate.
But where sinne's grow to ripenesse, you must know
Good meanings and intentions will not doe:
So delicate are these corrupted times,
As none must taxe or taint their swelling crimes.
But tell me in good sadnesse what's the cause,
To think your Lives more powerful then our Lawes?
If an Oppressor hatefull Contracts make,
Our Laws can bring him like a Beare to th'stake;
The Cunningst Church thiefe be he neere so great,
When once detected for a Counterfeate,
Must not uncensur'd passe, nor any one
Who in a civill State shall throw a Bone.
So as in my Opinion from the State
Such Stigmaticks doe highly derogate,
Who judge their Muse mongst men t'have more command,
Then all the Lawes and Statutes of our Land.
But to remove this Error, I thinke fit
If any one have mind to shew his wit,
That in obscurer manner he disclose it,
Least too much plainenesse make the Satyre lose it.

266

This moved some, as in their workes we find,
In Hieroglyphicks to expresse their mind,
Or like choyce Heralds to finde out a Crest
Fitting the forme and nature of the Beast
As some of our spruce-silken Curtaine Lords
Who shew their worth in their imperious words
Have beene displaid and shadow'd to their shame,
Yet know not who nor where they wounded them.
“But most of these their Dingity have lost,
“And can of nought but painted Scutchions boast.
This Course was held at first, and ever since
The freest from distaste and from offence.
For when we darkely write, thanks be to Heav'n,
So small a portion of conceit is given
To our Magnifico's, as when they read us,
They understand us not, or never heed us;
Which happy ignorance secures our pen,
And makes them laugh at us, that nettle them.

In these darke colours have I drawne the shapes
Of vicious Silke-wormes in this Age of Apes.
Which shadow'd with a Vision, may doe good
To purge, if not to purifie the blood.
Nor would I have this to be held in me
Weaknesse of courage or timiditie;
For in a Cause where I intend to doe
Service to God I ne're did terror know.
Nor doe I see ought in this vale of teares,
Which should beget in me such fruitlesse feares.
The Substance I enjoy, I nere did gather,
But as a Birth-right left me by my Father;

267

For had my fortunes hung upon my care,
My part had com'd unto an easie share.
But what I now possesse, be it more or lesse,
I never wish God may it longer blesse
Then I shall willingly forgoe the same,
To honour God and magnifie his name.
Nor is my health so good that I should feare,
When s'ere 't please God, my dissolution here.
Besides, gray-hayres have caus'd me change my song,
Assuring me my dayes cannot be long:
Should I then in my Glorious Makers sight,
Play servile Sycophant or Parasite?
Should I now when my one foot is in grave,
Learne the obsequious posture of a knave?
Should I contemne my Soule when death is nie,
Or complement when I should learne to die?
Should I who ne're could fawne in all my dayes,
An unjust Man against my conscience praise?
No, heav'ns forbid! that I should taxe that thing
In Subjects, which I would not in a King?
Or praise that in a King, which I'le not doe
Even in his Groome or meanest Subject too?
For howsoe're our Statists Some times frowne
Seeing those darling vices of their owne
Touch't to the quicke, yet why should good men feare
Such Impes who Sattin in and out side weare?
No, in that cause where I desire to please
My gratious God, I scorne the threates of these.
But I returne unto my Critick now,
And will informe him too what he shall doe.

268

I know the Sate, Sir, desperately sick,
Where some Sores should be Lanced to the quick,
For they must not bee smooth'd or smeer'd with Oyle,
Least they attract a more impressive soile:
But how should this be done, or how applde,
Before the member grow quite mortifide?
An art-full and experienc'd hand were fit,
And to that active hand a pregnant wit.
A grave and serious outside too would prove
That they were types of what their selves did move:
For him unfit I hold to chastize sin,
Whose youth admits no downe upon his chin.
He should be of authority and power
If he would be a powerfull monitour,
For such mens words like nayles enforce our passion,
Struck by the Rulers of a Congregation.
Yea this our owne experience doth teach,
We eye as much the person as the speech:
For if he be a man of worth or prize,
Speake what he will his person makes it wise.
Besides, that life of his should be approv'd,
That his example may be better lov'd:
For it redounds unto the Teachers shame
To taxe, when he is guilty of the same.
Who aymes to shoote his shaft at many men,
May chance to hit himselfe too, now and then,
Unlesse he blamelesse be, which is so rare,
As to seeke such our labours we may spare.
Lest then this frumpe should in our dish be laid,
Phisitian cure thy selfe (as hath been said,)

269

Our Lifes should forme our Lines, that after times
May say, our Lifes did paralel our Lines.
But why should we pursue this fruitlesse taske
By striving Great-mens errors to unmaske?
Their discontent may by some censure move us.
But them we cannot hurt, so far above us.
I hold it best then Critick, we begin
To let these Peers take their Careere in sin,
While we restraine our liberty of pen,
Untill we see Gods judgement waken them.

Have we not known of late some raised high,
That they with more disgrace and shame might die?
Who would have thought in such a civill State
(I rather touch't because it chanc'd so late)
That Witch of Endor, who (I thinke) had force
In magick-art much like my crop-ear'd horse,
Of whom 'twas propheci'd (I can assure ye)
Three yeers agoe, that he should die in furie,
Should be ith' Street with stones & brick-bats slain,
And not one known of all that bandlesse train,
Who murdred him? Sure 'twas his profuse sin,
Which when he would not mend, God met with him
But let him rest, they doe exceeding ill
Who rake him from his ashes with their quill:
He troubled us enough ere he was slaine,
It were not well to raise him up againe.
Should we peruse the Actors and the Crimes
Both of preceding and succeeding times;
To what command their Soveraignty extended,
And with what shame and misery it ended;

270

What glory they exprest, and how their state
Was blemish'd by their fault, not by their fate:
What port they bore, yet in the end no gainers,
But split themselves, and ruin'd their reteiners.
We would admire Gods lawful judgements shown
No lesse on other States then on our own.

See those Sicilian tyrants, how their power
Still labours one another to devoure
Envie wrought with suspicion, both conspir'd
With hot revenge: to have what they requir'd,
Yet what effect produc'd these plots to all
Those state-aspiring Flyes but timelesse fall?
Though Cæsar with victorious honor come
To be sole Monarch ore triumphant Rome,
And ride in 's Ebor to be seene of all,
A stab will serve him in the Capitall.
“Much have I seene yet seldome seene I have
“Ambition go grayheaded to his grave.
This then (State-Critick) would I thee advise,
“To leave to God the censuring of vice;
But if thou needs must shew thy wood-bred nature,
Let it be shrouded in a shadow'd Satyre.

271

The Apes Censure.

Excellent Apes; yee have your selves displaid,
Now heare what shal againe to you be said.
And first for you grand-gull, whose ayrie vants
Consist of Titles and of Sycophants,
I here degrade you, and injoyne you more,
To live as private as you did before
You came to greatnesse: they that cannot tell
How to demeane themselves when they are well,
Must by severer meanes be brought unto it,
I doe this to reclaime you, pray you show it.

For you licentious fleshly Libertine
Who in delights surfeit away your time,
Go from our presence; wee have here enow
To traine our Lords in lightnesse besides you.
Cynthia's pure rayes should not be dark't by those
Who live like Venus friends, but Vesta's foes;
Retire, Retire, your follies are descride,
And live from us till you be mortifide.

For you Vaine-glorious Ape, you doe appeare
So proud, we cannot brooke your being here.
God hath ordain'd before the heav'nes begin,
A fall for Pride, A punnishment for Sin;

272

The proud are ever plagu'd by prouder ones,
“There must be had sharpe Steele to smooth rough stones
Leave us, you are not for us, nor be wee
For you, or yours, till you more humble bee.

For you, my prettie Guga, whose vaine fancie
Hath brought you to a carlesse, curelesse Phrensie,
I will not censure you, for as it seemes
You understand not what a Censure meanes;
Yet that you be restrain'd, I hold it fit,
Till diet and restraint restore your wit.
Which done, you may regain your former freedom,
“For mad-braind boys our court doth litle need'em.

For you, new fangle Jack, whose aymes aspire
To gaudie and fantasticall attire,
For your abuse both to the State and us,
We censure you and your distemper thus.
Till you a fashion finde, rome too and fro,
That may content our hum'rous gallants so
As they shall never change that fashion more,
But keepe them still to that which you bring ore.

For you rare Ape, your observation's such,
I cannot well admire your worth too much;
Yet I may partly guesse what is your ayme,
And I will labour to effect the same.
It's your ambition to beget esteeme,
In publique places to be heard and seene,
And so you shall; for trust me you shall be
Reer'd on a publique place, the Pillorie.

Now my sweete Ape, how brisk my Courtier goes,
A if for want of feete he went on 's toes?

273

You, or I much mistake me, make a sport
To buy and sell our Offices in Court;
Our Imposts too you farme for such a sum,
And glory in your tricks when you have don.
For which, neat Sir, you shall by th'heeles be laid,
Till restitution to the State be made.

For you rich City-Ape, who can devour
Poore Widows houses, cheat your Creditor,
And by Protections bearing such a date,
Wipe others of their owne, inhance your State;
These I suppresse; and if it shall appeare
Your Sonne was not estated a whole yeare
Before you broke, your Creditors shall share:
Meane time of Pious Works you must take care.

For you penurious drudge, who pores one earth,
And joyes in nought but in your Countrey dearth;
Twentie poore Soules you weekely shall maintaine,
During which time you shall not sell a graine;
For this's the ayme which I doe levell at,
The leane Kine are to feed upon the fat:
For if the fat yeeld not the leane supplie,
Tha fat may ryot, but the leane will die.

For you Law list, for Laws are in your fist,
Ruling our Courts of justice as you list;
You shall be spar'd for climing up our stayres,
Betake you now unto your private prayers:
Meane time this Labell shall be writ and hung
Upon your Gowne, to manifest our wrong:
“For love of bribes, and for contempt of right,
“My Master is become Anacorite.

274

For you Church-gnat, who can observe the time,
And make your Coat a cover for your crime;
Who Church Revenues with your tricks inhance,
And pride you in your blockish ignorance;
Who to oppression and extortion fold,
Dishonour God, idolotrize your gold:
Since gold (my Prelate) is to you so deere,
To India go, you shall be Bishop there.

For you Sir Politick, you are so wise
I know not well what Project to divise
To keepe your Brains a worke; but for a space
My Pleasure is that you doe leave this Place,
And not returne, untill you understand
What causeth dearth of money in our Land;
What way our best commodities doe go,
And whether they bring back as good or no.

For you my Chimick Ape, I muse you would
Pore in a glasse and lose your hope of gold;
But let this passe: I heare you have no skill,
And that in curing one, you twentie kill;
Which to redresse, I have by Act decre'd,
Your Urinal be broken on your head:
And that you be indited of manslaughter
If ere you practise rules of Physick after.

Now for my Critick Ape, that Demophon
Who sweats i'th shadow, shudders in the Sun,
Who never saw that man in all his dayes
He could finde in his heart to love or praise;
He with his Gypsies is so fitly mated,
He will be taken hold on by the Statute.

275

Mean time let, him by Foists and Bungs be friended
It is not long till he must be suspended,
Be gon, my Censure shall not be disputed,
This is decree'd and must be executed.

Affrighted with the Censure of each Ape,
Fearing my selfe were one I did awake;
But finding it a dreame I thought it fit,
Only for pastime-sake to publish it.

Similis mihi Simia nulla est.

276

Upon the Censure of his Vision.

Some Familist or punctuall Precisian
Will sleight this worke, because it is a Vision;
Saying, “That Visions are deceitfull things,
“And to distraction our affection brings;
“That this Luciferan Spirit takes the shape
“(To gull th' imagination) of an Ape.
Whence he inferres, to prove these Visions evil,
That this same Ape is an incarnate devil;
All which I grant, but likest of all other
When he resembles such a Zealous Brother.
Truth is, for sinns survey, who would descry it
Must closly doe't, or soone be censur'd by it;
Whereas 'twere 'gainst all reason, that to Prison
One should be sent for seeing of a Vision.
But whether I be censured or no,
This will I say and you shall finde it so;
Viewing these grosse abuses of your minde,
This for a grounded maxim you shall finde:
Of all the Tyrants which the world affords,
Your owne affections are the fiercest Lords.

Ista Poemata, non sine lepidula Genii facetia primum Conscripta fuere; An. Dom. 1625.

277

The life of Polymorphus Simianus Author of this Poem.

287

[Hee who thinks I can flatter is deceiv'd]

Hee who thinks I can flatter is deceiv'd,
For in my youth when I instruction sought,
And some small glimpse of knowledg had receiv'd,
My Spirit wrestled in me as I thought,
And so in time upon my weaknesse wrought,
As I gave way; which giv'n, she caus'd me write,
To purge the State, and scourge the Parasite.

Yet so, as thou shalt never personate
Or high, or low, or any one in place,
Lest thou incur the censure of the State;
Not men but manners thou shalt have in chace,
Causing shame paint their vices in their face:
For then this Rule, a safer there is none,
“To taxe the sinne, but let the man alone.

Be jealous what thou heares, spare in reports,
For some there be who on this string doe strike,
How they may vent disgrace on Princes Courts,
Yet these can closly play the Parasite,
And with their servile humors force delight:
Which ere I'd doe I wish with all my heart,
I may hang for a Signe at Franck-fort Mart.

288

[Virtue hath but bare credit; what's the matter]

Virtue hath but bare credit; what's the matter
Because to gain a Kingdom shee'd not flatter.

[Who can prohibit me abroad to tell]

Who can prohibit me abroad to tell
The Crimes of such high-peeres as doe not well?
Why, this Obsequious, Odious, Vicious time,
That weaves a Cobweb o're a great mans crime.
But Masters, would yee know how I am serv'd
Whose honest actions ne're from goodnes swerv'd?
“Sense by Petition hath procur'd that Reason
“For writing nought but truth, should go to Prison.

After this Suite, as I am now resolved,
Shall be decree'd, determin'd, and dissolved,

289

I'le take a long farwell of my Laws journey,
Unlesse it be by Proxie or Atturney;
For who from Hippocrene would Rivers draw
Must not imploy his Bucket in the Law;
Farre from Courts clamour then I'le build my nest,
‘A smooth-composed line requireth rest.

One askt of me what might be my intent
To leave the Towne in time of Parliament?
Why, answered I! because I held it fit
When th'City hath ingross'd the Country wit,
And that scarce seven wise Masters now were left
Which were not to the Parliament enfeoft,
That purposely I to the Country cam,
Where I am held a nimble-pated man;
For though a Swan's a Swan, yet when th'Swan's gon,
A white-plum'd Chough is held a comely one.

293

Parthenia's Passions.

To the right Honorable Thomas Viscount Wentworth

Afterwards Created Earle of STRAFFORD.

, Baron of Woodhouse, Oversley and Newmarch, Lord President of the Councell established in the North, and one of his Majesties most honourable

O quando renascitur alter.

Privie Councell: His thrice-honoured Mecaenas.

The western-Knights Pasquill.

Marshall! an halt there! Pray you, Sir, make roome
For us poor Knights, who in the fag-end come.
Mad is my Muse, and now of late affrighted
Out of her wits for feare she should be Knighted.

294

Knighted defend me, Lord, from such an honour,
I shall not git whole Cloaths to put upon her.

Nay, since with Knights there is so great a doo,
I for my Summons will make ready too.
“Come Masons, come, erect an Hospitall,
Sith wee must all be Knights whom Statutes call:
For England never had unto this houre
More Chevaliers for number, nor more poor.
Whence many of our Russetings deplore it,
That they'r not worth so much as they paid for it.
Yea, Almanacks, I feare, will beare record
In Rubrick Letters, next to th' yeare oth'Lord,
Which by Succeeding times will be recited,
“How long 'tis since ye Commonty was Knighted.
Yea, Justice vows, should she pay twenty five,
She cannot doe't with honesty and thrive;
“For some of her Bench-Whistlers States be such,
Their meanes & vailes will scarce raise halfe so much
Yea I could pick out One of these who might
Be made GRAND SOPHIE full as well as Knight:
“For Justice-sake this imposition wave,
Lest they be forc'd to pay more then they have.
But since my Pinke 'mongst others runns a shelfe,
And ev'ry one is nearest to himselfe,
I must debate my Cause before I go,
Judge whether I speake reason, friends, or no.
“May my State-lov'd MECÆNAS but give way
“To what the meanest of his Knights can say.
Now, my good Lord, your humble Suppliant comes
To know the cause why he should pay these Sums.

295

‘Object. “Our Princes Coronation by a Statute,
“Inflicts these fines on those that were not at it:
“Provided they have fourty pounds by yeare
“Of free-hold Land, the Statute makes it cleare.

Answ. Tis true; but this reflecteth not on me,
For I was at that high solemnitie,
And I'ch best note my rurall Muse could sing,
Tendred my Poemes to my gratious King,

Object. “Yea but the Proclamation did forbid it,
“You were not well advis'd then, when you did it.

Answ. 'Slid, should I neither then be here nor there
But like a Ball hang hovering in the ayre?

Object. No; though the Coronation wil'd you come
“The Proclamation wish'd you stay at home,
“You should not have come up Sir;

Answ. No more did I,
For I, as fortune fell, was there allready;
Where my ambitious Muse did Knighthood crave,
But what I had I hold, no more I have.
Discusse my Lord, then each particular,
I shall be found in nought irregular.
“I came not up; I broke not th' Proclamation;
“The Statute's kept; I was at Coronation;
At which (I'le justify with heart and hand,)
I joy'd as much as any Knight ith' Land.
These duely weigh'd, your Honour Umpire be,
Whether I pay the King, or King pay me.
His regall rites receiv'd this Muse of mine,
And were this reason, think you, for my rime?
I sung, my Sov'reigne heard me, now wee say

296

The Hearer, not the Singer, usd to pay.
I judge then what soe're to me is done,
Is by that figure Usteron, Proteron.
You for the King demand of me a fee,
When it is meant that He should pay it mee.
But lest this should by me too much be thought,
So I goe free, my Song shall go for nought.
But husht! no more; with this approv'd Position;
Your constant Servant closeth his Petition;
“More Knights, my Lord, your State has little need on,
“Let me be a poore Country Squire to breed on.
Now if these Reasons take no place, my Lord,
I must Obey if you but speake the word:
A Knights fee for your Honour I have heere;
“Knight and no Knight; the Purchase is too deere:
But I 'm resolv'd, my Reasons are so plaine,
Your squire may with his Coine go back againe.

297

Upon his Hon. Election of Deputation for Ireland.

For Ireland, Lord! what will become of me?
For Conscience-sake looke on my Familie.
Would you receive more honour then you have;
And so relinquish those whom you may save?
Is any one more earthly-blest then you?
Firme friends, faire fates, brave Bards, corrivals few.
And who is hee that is so richly blest
Will hatch his Airy in a forraine nest?
There the best Hawkes, indeed, they say are bred,
But there High-flyers oft have perished.
Those that doe love my Lord, doe hold it fit,
As th' Country honours him, so should he it.
Admit, my Lord, that you entitled be
Yorks President, and Irelands Deputie;
Where you are five yeers onely to remaine,
Which time expir'd you'r to return againe!
Nay more then that, when ev'ry third Month ends,
You may revisit here your constant friends;

298

What's this to me? while you at distance stand,
I'm forc'd to write my sorrows in the sand.
“It is a weeke agoe since I did dreame,
How you and I were swimming in a streame;
Rough were the Billows, for the water swell'd
While I for safety by a Willow held;
Which you catch'd at, but, 'las, it would not be,
That failed you what had supported me,
For when you strove to save your selfe from Wrack,
Rude-chattring Reeds (me thought) still held you back.
“Now such as are Expositors of Dreames
Might thus interpret it; “These troubled Streames
Betoken danger; Willowes, friends (indeede)
But such as faile us most, when most we need;
Rude chattring Reeds, such as doe make a sport
To blemish Honour with a base report.
But dreams are dreams, & such as rightly know them
Will nere give trust nor confidence unto them.
But why, my Lord, should you transplanted be,
And reave me of that hope supported me?
'Zlid, all the world knows you to be wise,
And play'd ith' Parl'ament your Master prize:
But whats all that? God knows what some will say
In heat of hate, when you are gone away
Excuse me, Lord, my zeal conceits the worst,
If I should silent be, my gall would burst.
No Sycophant am I, upon my word;
Ile speak as Servants should unto their Lord.
Then taxe not my discretion for the matter,
But praise his honesty that cannot flatter.

299

Here then a tatterd Knight comes sneaking in,
And jeers the Honour you bestow'd on him;
And swears that Diotolph Brand who look't so big,
Being made Knight for rosting of a Pig,
Was ne're to more desertlesse honour hurl'd,
“For hee's scarce worth a Pig in all the World.
Here a rack-rent Recusant cryes amaine
O my deere Conscience! and repeats your name;
And vowes since Abbies were dissolved heere,
A Romish Conscience never cost so deere:
So as you must not be, till they be freed,
E're in their Pater-noster or their Creed.
Some say you'r grown to that resistless might,
He is not wise dare be your opposite;
For you will crush him be he nere so great,
Having such free accesse to Cæsars Seat;
Whose gracious rayes are such, as they impart
Verdure and vigour to your known desart.

These and such like reports they 'l spread on you;
Which, though I'm confident, are far from true;
For in that equal Scale your actions stand,
As Ile avouch you just with heart and hand.
Yet too maliciously will some men deem,
When the wide Sea hath sever'd you from them.
Nought's left to answer for you but report,
Which good men know you by, and love you for't.

Alas my Lord, for Ireland! many one
Have gone forth laughing, that come weeping home.
Our Modern Stories have sufficient
To shew, wee need no other President.

300

“Nor can you there doe service to your King,
For, as I heare, there breaths no venemous thing:
What then can Justice finde it selfe to doe?
Plant rather here where there be snakes enow,
“Such as deserve a Censure: “Hee that's just
Must finde offenders, or his Sword will rust.
Some from the height of their concealed hate
Doe much maligne the fulness of your State,
And say, “One day a Parliament will come,
And then we hope Some will be payed home,
If these, while you live here, so envious be;
Judge what they'l doe when you'r beyond the Sea?
Your Presence then 's the way to make you strong,
“Just men have oft through absence suffred wrong,
“Pardon my boldness, Lord, the Case is such
Did I not love you, Ide not speak so much.
Oft to your Honor have I made resort,
Yet nere Petition'd ought unless in sport;
It was your selfe I sought, whose love I gain'd
And that was th'only marke at which I aimd.
Your choice discourse and judgement I confess,
Made mee all yours, I could be nothing less.

I should write more, But Seas begin to rise,
And with their brinie waves o'reflow mine eyes.
Thus then with firme resolve, my knee I bend,
So you thereto be pleas'd to condescend:
Mount to the Moon, you cannot mount from me
My Muse and I will keep you companie.
“Only vouchsafe a line, for if you go,
England farewell, I'le be for Ireland too.

301

Upon his Hon. returne from Ireland.

Vpon his attendance.

My Lord, I thinke
I have more hours attended
Then pearled Rills
From Taurus ere descended.
Still have those rising waters troubled him,
But when He strove a greater man stept in.
Scotch, Irish, English in such numbers came,
As none would deigne to tell your Servants name:
“Well, my good Lord, though you'r the Heir of time,
“That I'm the same, peruse this troth-plight ryme,

Vpon his admittance.

Blessed Patrick, are you come
To your long-expected home?
None I sweare ere came here
To my leaping heart more deere
Saving my dread Soveraigne
In his wish'd returne from Spaine.
Saile not from us back againe,
Unlesse it bee your Princes aime,

302

But amongst your owne remaine,
“This is the Prayer of your Swaine.
‘'Zlid you've discharg'd that taske for which you went,
Live now unto your owne a President.

For the Right Honorable Charles Hovvard, Commander in chiefe over Cumberland, Westmerland, and Northumberland,

Upon the Decimation.

Deign Sir, in your perusall of these lines,
“To cleare their Score, who'r cleare of all Designes:
“Which crowns your Honor; when those Shires that beare
“Your fair Commands, are only now found cleare.
Though change of State, no doubt, some level'd at,
Twixt hopes & feares: But husht! no more of that.
Assess'd afresh! what have we done or said
That this new Taxe should on our States be laid?
Deare Goldsmiths Hall six tedious yeares ago
Brought the Revenues of our State so low’

303

As with Rent-Charges, we may safe aver,
Some of our Lands ly now in Lavender.
Such is the Burthen our condition feeles,
As we can scarcely keepe our Cart oth' Wheeles.
Weigh our calme temper too, how all our time
We made the Muses Ward-robe our designe:
And those who were not qualifide that way,
For Grazing or for Culture made assay.
No Project nor State-action plundg, our braine,
“To know God and our selves was our sole aime.
And merits this a Censure, pray you say!
Must our Retirement this Assesment pay?
To th' world we appeale!—where we doe live,
Our precious Minutes are contemplative.
Our thoughts act not for Changes: our content
Is to dispose our Soules to th' government
Of their affections: They that have arriv'd
And seene as many yeeres as we have liv'd,
Should make 't their onely taske their souls to save:
And in e'ch pace to measure out his Grave.
This, is our Warfare: if 't be held unfit
Teach us some other Trade, weel practise it.
But to finde out a safer way then this
Trace Heaven and Earth, we know not where it is.
This all Saints us'd, where were we joyn'd in one,
Wee 'd hold our Passage happy to be gone.
Weake be our nerves and arteries to fight,
“Heav'ns Ord'nance is the Shot gives us delight:
And in these aged-deafned Eares sound louder
Then any Shot that takes his Charge from Pouder.

304

From the first Warre some have not struck astroke
But from the Campe betook them to their booke.
Or if their profit did not that way look,
They plide the Plough-share or the Sheepheards Crooke,
For we collected by our Conquering Foes,
What Heav'n decreed 't was folly to oppose.

For this, our Composition has beene payd,
Wherein his GRACE afforded One such ayd,
That even in Gold-smiths Hall He did apply
His hand, and sought their fine to qualify:
Had not a Ridge of Hasles stood ith' way
And with a rough obstruction rais'd his pay.
“Burn't Child fire dreads: Our pennance has beene such,
We acted little, but wee suffer'd much.
Had no mans hand beene Conscious of more guilt,
Much blood had beene preserv'd, that has been spilt.
Some of us may be Hermits for our yeares,
There's no occasion then from us of feares.
Besides, SOME Justices were call'd of late,
Which would sound harshly to a ruin'd State.
Doe not Assesse us then, vnlesse 't be showne;
That we enjoy more fortunes then our owne;
Much lesse, I'me sure, then we might justly claime:
“Heav'ns steere our Bark in this tempestuous Maine.

305

‘Your self 's the North-Starre yt directs our Saile,
Cleere our Land-voyage with a prosperous Gale.
Pensions, Debts, Portions have our States so reft,
Like Banbery Cheese, there 's nought save pairings left:
And if we must both Crum and Crust forgo
Wee'l welcome want, because heav'n order'd so;
In hope, when you these Golden Mines obtaine,
These Taxes shall be paide us back againe

But Grace appeares!—th' Instructions give consent
That those who entertaine this Government
With a Composed and Submissive will
Should be exempt from this Assessing Bill:
And, sure, Experience taught us so much wit
To know what Soveraignty is, and to submit.
Wee'r now become Good Boyes (thanks be to God)
First take correction, after kisse the Rod.
“They who intend t'improve their Means at Court
“Must take a wrong and give a Congie for 't.
Tender the favour these instructions shew,
“So yours prey not on us, wee'l pray for you:
Wishing with all our hearts, Heav'n would decre
Our Purse as full, as wee'r of Charitie.

If all this will not doe, we hope our Zeale
Unto the State will grant us an Appeale;
Wherein by plea if we appeare not free,
May this same Grand Assesse re-doubled bee.
But rather then offend, wee'l meekly fall
Under your Doome, without Appeale at all.
—This renders no disgust; So you reprive us,
Wee'l try what benefit the Law may give us;

306

Wherein if we unfortunately slip,
Wee'l hold th' Adventure worse then HAMDENS Ship.
Should none of all these Arrows hit the marke,
But like Tiresias Shafts be shot ith' darke;

Our onely way to cement this Division
Is to officiate and take th' Commission.
Which, if it may with your affection sute,
To th'Tenure of that Writ, wee'l execute:
And doe as justly too, or wee'd be sory,
As wee were dealt withall,—so ends the story.

Nonne major nobis concedenda est gratia, amplior Clementia primo a Bello cessantibus & pacifice degentibus, quamiis, qui in Castris assidue fuerunt versati usque ad ultimum Worcestriæ certaminis exitum?

Prickt, though not personally summon'd.

Should a Case of Necessity he urged; the like was in that Argument of Ship-money pretended: and by some of our judicioust and sincerest Judges evinced and held illegall.

After his Assesse at Penrith;

Addressed to his Honour.

January 31. 1655.

“How now! Mount I to twenty pounds Assesse,
“When my Rint-charges rise to such a rate
“As no inferiour Judgement could hold lesse
“Then free indulgence to my squiezed State?
“You doom, I melt; shall I the Cause impart?
“Your Honours civill usage won my heart.

307

“Yet that those Grounds were good I stood upon,
“Peruse these Reasons, Sir, and I have don.
What's twenty pounds Assesse to him that may
Improve the State more by his Pen then Pay;
When He to forraine Nations shall make knowne
The Bounty and great Pity you have showne
To State-Delinquents! when with face to face
They'r look'd upon like Children of Grace.
As th'late Act of Oblivion seem'd to approve,
That we were all One Familie of love.
Thrice Sacred Cement! when Revenge must cease;
And Patience smile on forepast Injuries.
By which your Fame might to Successions ring;
“To have Power and not to doe, 's a noble thing:
A Princely-Lyon Ire: when hostile force
Puts off the Roabs of Rage, and donns Remorce.
No Marble, Topaz, Ivory, Thracian Stone
Could reare you Shrines more to be look't upon;
Nor more admir'd: Statues are works of time,
True worth admits no period nor decline.

Now to my selfe;—Should I in briefe relate
The forme of th' Spartan or the Theban State
In their necessitous times; you might perceive
What Priviledges they to Pen-men gave:
For by their Annals I shall make 't appeare
From all Assessments They exempted were.

308

First, that their Writings might disperse their Fame;
Next, that their Penns more gingerly might blame
The Errors of those times: and Palliate
In a smooth Style th' Abuses of the State:
Seeking by artfull secret mists to smother
The Soile of Sinne, but to display the Other.

Sometimes have I extoll'd you in this sort,
And if too much, pray God forgive me for't.
Nor did I onely in that Land-skip show
State-virtues, but emergent vices too.
“Good faces are with Moals much beautifide;
“Venus seem'd fair'st, when Nais sat beside.
“Vice setts off Vertue best:—No Pearls spread
“Their Lustre more, then when they 'r set in Lead.
There's none that ever knew me One of those
That for a Diadem could learn to gloze.
For had I practised the Art to Flatter
“Th' increase of Fortune had deprav'd my Nature.
Yet had I prov'd Proficient in that Art,
I'le tell you, Sir, the secrets of my Heart,
(For I dare venture to unrivet it
To one of Honour, Judgement, Worth and Wit,)
I'm confident, I had not so long waited
On your Commission to be Decimated.

309

Since SELDAN that Authentick Instrument
And constant Servant to the Parlament,
Directly prov'd no Tenths at all were due
Unto the Clergy; then much lesse to you.
Whom though our Rabbies labour'd to confute,
They might have Silence kept with more repute:
For such Antiquity and Reason met
As his Assertions were not answer'd yet.
BESIDES all this; the Spartan State decree'd
That all such Parents as their Children breed
In Arts and Studies of Philosophie
From all Assessments should exempted be:
And by deductions from Rint-charges granted
Supply those Tacklings Education wanted.
Which Law one day when Cleon did oppose,
Tyrtæus in defence oth' Edict rose,
Saying; “If these so neare us might not share
“In our Provision and Parentall care;
“May this strict opposition be obey'd
“And al Male-children henceforth Eunuchs made.
Which smart Reply drove th'Court to such a laughter
As the like Motion ne're was heard of after.
To those object, “'Tis folly to delay
“This Grand Assesse, our Souldiers must have pay;
My answer is; “I'm Natures deepest debter;
“I love a Souldier well, but Children better.
But since I must their Benefactor prove,
Their prayers, me thinks, should gratify my love.

310

But though I pay them more then does become me.
They pray not for me, but they prey upon me.

When aged Priam or'e Sackt Troy did reigne,
Never had he more Children to maintaine;
Must I dis-owne whom Nature bids me owne,
To furnish Those, to whom I am unknowne?
The case is Ours: let Application draw
From th' Spartan Act, life to an English Law:
For if such Masters worse then Ethnicks be
Provide not for a private Familie;
Those Fathers, surely, should be held unfit
To live, who take no care of those they git.
“Those wild Oats youth has sowne, Old age must reap thē.
“And what we got, an other must not keepe them.
Deare Sir give eare; what Native Love alledges
Concerns us all; the tender of our Pledges.
But you 'r so truly Noble; as no feare
Of your just Care dares put in Anchor heere.

Your most devotionall decimated Servant R. B.

[_]

With your HON. Certificate, let me partake this noble favour from your approved Goodnesse: To have my Assesse (after the merit of my Cause) respited, till my repair to London, which I purpose (God willing) early next Month. Where I hope by application and your HON. assistance, to mitigate, if not wholly mediate my Assesse.

Panorm. de Jure Civili. C. X. Conrad. de Magistrali discip. C. 5. Palud. de Antiq. Leg. L. 3. C. 6. Carnead. de Princip. Regim. C. 8. Paragraph. 7. Pelarg. in Quæst. Aristocrat. fol. 30. Camerar. de Gest. Orient. Li. Z. C. 6.

Choicest Perfections art best discovered by their Opposites.

Sundry Places of Corresponsive esteeme and benefit proffer'd me if my retired Condition would have entertained any such Remora's to Privacy and Contemplation: or could have stoop'd to that servile lure of Assentation.

B. Mountagu. B. White. Dr. Helyn. Mr. Wotten. Mr. Burton, &c.

311

Upon his additionall Assesse;

continued in addresse to his Honour.

February 2. 1655.

“What Bill's here posted on our Tything door!
“Five pounds to the State-advance—And who bids more?
“Not one Scotch Plak; 'tis fear'd the State at length,
“Will seize nine parts, and leave us but a tenth.

Sir I was lately bit, but knows not how,
Nor whether they be friends to th'State or no.
For surely those who represent such zeale,
And constant service to the Commonweale;
Should not be used so.—I'm lately cast
By your Grave Synod, since th' Assessement last
In five pounds more: if this be not a Shelfe
(I must appeal unto your Honour'd selfe)
Of dangerous consequence;—when hearts and hands
Become addressed to your faire commands,
Must these be made State-Martyrs? Where should we
But in Committees look for unitie

312

In their harmonious Votes? How does this show,
When one day acts, what next day does undoe?
This strange dis-union held a partiall Sin,
Caus'd old Sysambris sacrifice his skin
In brave Cambises time; who wisely saw
How it oppos'd the levell of the Law;
And that it alien'd much the hearts of those
Who were his Friends to be his private Foes.
Affection is of such transcendent price,
Assesse should not eclipse it nor Excise,
Redresse this, Sir, for unto you I ow
Such cordiall Service and devotion too,
As you, I'm sure, on whom I doe depend,
In my just Cause will prove a faithfull Friend.
Which done, if there be Springs in Helicon,
I'le fame your honour in our Albion:
And make her Face so terrible to Spaine,
As if our Army were all-Charlemaine.
This Pibrac freed from Taxes in his time,
Why may it not to this low Muse of mine?
Whose wings so richly plum'd, as She can fly
And meet Occurrents with an Eagles eye:
And make those grant who 'r ill-opinion'd on us,
That we doe nought, but what may well become us.
Which, though it seeme a Paradox to Some,
They will acknowledge it when I have done:
For that Bards Genius is not fit to write,
That cannot make white black, & black of white.
For since Pharsalians Fields were never in
More mouths, than our late Civile Wars have bin;

313

If home-bred Triumphs purchase such renoune,
Much more when We have forraine Nations won.
“You must my Patron be in this addresse,
“Your Pension my Exemption from Assesse.

Your Hon. most affectionately devoted re-decimated Servant

I heard your Honour much opposed it,
But votes passe often more by Beards then Wit.

A parcell of partiall-guilt Justice.

How! a Commission! Pray thee from what ground?
“To salve th' Assessement of three hundred pound.
Well, GIB. though this device thy Coffers ease,
The Cure may prove farre worse than the disease.
I could, but dare not whisper in thine Eare,
Lest some Eve-droppers for the State draw neare;
One day there may a Fowler come to set
And catch a Timing Baron in his Net.
No Scottish Style will leave thee Scot free than,
Fames Pencile shall ingrave:—Lo there's the man
Who spar'd no time with Conscience to dispute,
But roundly undertook to Execute;
“Whom? Justice; “How? To hang her? No, to Save;
“What? His Assesse.—So dyed this worldling Slave.
“Was e're wealth worse bestowed?—Stay, Sun's not set;
“More's to be done:—Last Sceane's not acted yet.

314

For Colonell Robert Waters, Upon his Yorkshire Summons.

“These late Inquisitions have So my Senses Confouunded,
“I am now in a Strait, as if I had never Compounded.

The Laity ought to pay their Tenths; 'tis true;
But they of old were to the Altar due.
If th' Altar be supprest, the Offering dies,
For where no Altar, there no Sacrifice.
Yet though Delinquents Fatlings be exhaust,
Their poore Remains must be the Holocaust:
And tho in them small fat be left to fry,
Some must be Squiezed forth untill they dy.
So as Jobs Maxim will admit no doubt,
“Nak't came they in, and nak't must they goe out:
And stript of State, well were't if they from sin,
Might go as naked forth as they came in:
But Cæsar with his Power can ne're impose
More outward Mulcts, then they have inward foes:
Which They by temp'rate dyet may represse,
And this Assesse will keepe them from Excesse.

315

Thus Sinnue-shrunk all rising Statists shun us,
“Our Crosse oth' Doore cryes—Lord have mercy on us.
But should all th'Elements combine to faile me,
There's One at Cundale, sure I am would baile me.

Excuse me, Sir, I am not ev'ry where,
My Person 's One, and that One Summond here;
Nor doe I feare, though I with Others Share,
So just's my Judge, but I shall carry faire.
For my increase is not in Coine but cares,
Aches, Reumes, Tisicks, Children, and Gray-haires:
Wherein, if th' State take Tithes in ev'ry part,
I wish them th'Tenths of these with all my hart.

From him, who In Storms, Winds, and Showres, Subscribes him truly yours. December 28. 1655.

Vid. Paræ. in Eccles. discip. Just. de Jure civili. Casel. in med. Theol Crescent. ib.

In ostium, Rubræ Crucis si figamus characterem, perniciosæ pestis Spectantium oculis ominatur indicium. Cordel.

For Mr. Ralph Rimer, a discreet State Commissioner.

Rimer , Me thinks thou should'st a Poet love,
Though more then Rhime's requir'd in Poetry;

316

A word in season's precious; Pray thee move
That I from decimation may be free,
So shall Swales Banks fame thy Civilitie:
For such a friendly-Office done in Season
May store Musæus both with Rhime and Reason.

Rhime gives the Close and Accent to our verse,
My deerest Ralph approve thee one of those
Who may deserve Inscriptions on their Hearse,
And gaine more Friends then others gather Foes;
By cloathing such as Imposts doe unclose;
So to thy Line such honor may be won
Time shall Enshrine thy Fame at Brafferton.

Since this was writ, good news from th' Parlament,
Our Decimations are quite ta'ne away,
God grant this Ease raise not our discontent
And rack us more then we before did pay,
Which would make up th'Malignants holy-day,
But if our shoulders must Atlantick be,
Let thine owne, Cæsar, beare as well as we.
Wee have been Asses made while they were freed,
Leane not too much upon a bruized-Reed.

317

For Captain Aitee and L. Bolland.

When young Leontio was so straitly set
As all his State would scarce discharge his debt;
Decius the Serjant was injoyn'd to come,
And seize of all his Moveables in Rome:
Who dealt so fair and mildly in his place,
From th' Mace he vow'd he never found like grace.

That I may render every one their due,
This Story might be instanced in you;
Though Some professe themselves your mortall haters,
I'le justifie you Civil Sequestraters.
Such Atteus was in honest Appius dayes;
Hold on; mild Spirits merit highest praise.
“Your Temperance, no doubt, retein'd a sense
Of honest Ned Crofts cordiall Innocence:
Who without Boots or Armes was prov'd to be,
Which were strange Habits for hostilitie.
If his resolvs had beene addrest that way,
He would have marcht in a more martiall 'ray.
But of his Case if there be no remorse,
“His sentence may conclude,—Gramercy Horse:

318

For if he might have got his price at home,
He had not felt the weight of such a Doome.

Trust me, high-valued friends, had this beene so,
Horse-Faires had beene Sequestred long ago.
Malton and Rippon might have sent us Newes
That both their Markets were remov'd to th'Mews.
In Smythfield no Horse-Couper to be seene,
But vanish'd quite as if they had not beene.
Though fire and faggot, and a sterne Commission
Denounce his ruine, if a late Petition
Or a Milde Parl'ament beget not sence
In steeled Spirits by their influence:

But I am confident, though Durance tye him,
It is not meant to crush him, but to try him.

Ith' Recluce of a pure-heroick brest.
Candour and Valour claime like interest.
To have a Power to doe, and not a will,
Has beene the Signall of true Honour still.

Really yours, Peregrine Strangevvais.

Nullo minore pretio assequenda est Amicitia, viventium Anima, quàm Candore et Clementiâ.

319

To Captaine Sadler; a rare Scarlet dyer.

Noble Sir, I am here, Neare unto your proper Sphere:
Visit Him who holds you deare.

Dearest Friend, who all thy time
Hast been blest in each designe;
And hast Colour for thine ends,
To improve and right thy Friends:
Mayst thou live in Honours Eye,
Till thy Scarlet lose her dye.
“Love' s a Colour dyde in graine,
Whose reflexe admits no staine.

Neque dives, nec egenus,
Neque satur, neque plenus;
Nec agrestis, nec amœnus,
Nec silvestris, nec serenus:
Palmis nec mulcendus pænis,
At in omni sorte lenis.

320

Upon the Commissioners sitting at the Wildman in York.

At th' Wildman for Commissioners to sit
Some hold it strange, but I doe think it fit.
We have been Wildmen all; and we 'r to git
From a Wild-man meanes to re-gaine our wit,
But not our Meanes: who can recover it?
This made Alcides wise, was wild before;

O that I had his Limms, I'de aske no more!
For so might I re-gaine my Means at length,
Though by no force of pleading, yet by strength.

The Quaker.

Witches were Seers call'd in antient time,
And Speakers now are held to be divine.
But why call'd Quakers can I not deliver,
Unlesse their Spirit turne an Hectick fever.
I rather think this Name of Tophet smells,
Where quaking, shaking shame and horror dwels.
But if Community their Title prove,
'Tis all in all with Family of love.
Where like our wandring Gipsies in mixt seedes
Without distinction One with other breedes.
No marvaile then if we have Mungrells many
When Fox Breeds Cubbs, and unrestrain'd by any

321

Nay priviledg'd in their impostur'd Service
Like Soules inspir'd: but what's all this to Jarvis?

Thus Folly with a Cuppe of fornication
Deludes the Saintlings of our English Nation.
But Coal or Walker with their zeale, no doubt,
Will either hunt or smoak these Foxes out.
Or some choyce Archer will their Legions sever
With pile-head Arrows from a Justice quiver:
Or clothe them in a Suite of durance ever,
Till th' Act of Reformation them deliver.

In Answer to this Paper of Verses, intitled The Quaker; whereof He was reported to be the Author.

Hold thy penurious Pen, injurious Elfe,
In taxing Quakers, I might touch my selfe.
These last seven yeares I lived in this Clime
And shew'd my selfe a Quaker all that time.
For when I saw a sterne Committee-man
I from that Sight a Quaker streight became;

Quercedulæ sumus omnes,
—Alis volitantes vagis.

Planc.

For Fox I hold him a magnetick Sead;
And NAILER, One that hits the naile oth' Head.

[_]

Ut Magnes ferrum, Vulpes subtilius attrahit aurum.

322

Or when I saw my Name fixt on a post,
I turn'd to Quaker, and my Senses lost.
When an Excise-man or an undertaker
For State-assesse; these Sights made me a Quaker.
Tracing those Streets where I did mony ow,
The smell of Mace made me a Quaker too:
For They who on Parnassus build their nest
Are Slaves to Fortune; Subject to arrest.
Now in my age too when I weigh my sin,
I Quake to think Oth'State that I am in.
Cease Critick then, thus to traduce my quill,
I have a Quaker beene and must be still.
My Body is the Court-loft where I live,
From whence no Mortall can me freedome give,
Nor from my Grate procure me a release
Till my arrivall at the Port of Peace;
Where being once infranchis'd in that Citie
I'm priviledg'd from Debt, Assesse, Committee.
For you, my Quaking Sisters, yee doe make
Me when I see your rivell'd beauties, quake;
That you should pine, and spend your Spirits and dy
Like forlorne Sceletons, and know not why.
I wish, deare Ducklings, you would understand
That God requires no such thing at your hand.
How is it that you cry Repent, Repent,
And wast rich houres in fruitlesse discontent?
Why doe you hout and houle and take no rest
As if in HOPE you had no interest?
“Shun such impostur'd fancies; Fly to Him
“Whose light can cleare your cloud and clense your Sin.

323

“Judge not; That power to you was never given,
“But judg your selves; for that's the way to Heaven.
“Rend not your Clothes but Hearts: The Saints desire
“That you should try your selves, not Cloaths by fire.
“Make use of what is requisite and fit,
“You should not hate your flesh, but cherish it.
Be frolick then my Girles, and freely feed
And propagate your Doctrin by your seed.
“If Quaking proper be in any Sence
'Tis in the sweet injoyment of a Wench.
This was well knowne to Adam and his Eve;
And what they lov'd, let not their Children leave:
Yet so, as each may reape what he has sowne,
And ev'ry Adam have an Eve of's owne:
For though there were no Statute to forbid it,
God has pronounc'd a Curse 'gainst Him that did it.

A Button-Bung, or, A Westminster Snap.

At Westminster my Cassock chanc't to find
A Button-Cutter, who was much inclin'd
To medle with our furniture behind;
From whence my native Genius divin'd,

324

“Though Westminster above no Spiders show,
“It has a brood of Nimmers hatcht below,
Who can Prapan poor Clients where they go,
“Leave them not worth a Button nor a Stro.

Beware deare Countrey-men of Mollerstang,
Least rurall faction make you sing like Sang;
Contest not where your Foe & Cause prove strang,
Lest you confesse that all things go a-wrang:
For though your Countesse pay, I can assure ye,
When th' Game is plaid, your purse must pay the Jurie.
Desist then, Friends; no more Commissions sit
Unlesse it be at Fleece to quicken wit.

This short advice comes from a friendly hand
As any you can have in Westmerland.

Upon the Northern Feast, observed at Salter's-Hall, the sixth of October; 1657. Addressed to his worthy Countrymen, The Northern Society.

Observe the bounty of these Northern Ladds,
And you will say, the North-Part glory adds
Unto the South: and that their Freedome is
An Honour to our great Metropolis;

325

Whose Union and Communion is such,
They may be ey'd, but not admir'd too much:
Whose fair Comport has raz'd that Proverb forth,
“That no good thing came ever from the North.
For what is good, or free, or friendly rare
Derive their Essence from our Northern ayre.
Your native knowledge is not rank'd with those
Who can bouze Ale, yet wonder where Malt grows
Your Country Cock crows and he does not ney;
You know a Daple from an Iron-gray;
You know that Sun which shews his splendor here,
Is the Same Sun shines in your Hemisphere.
You of your Cloaths have no such Simple care
As to o're-pentise them from hence to Ware.
Your Language, though not curiously refin'd,
It can expresse the dictates of your mind;
And with more brevity and aptnesse too
Then These with their minc'd Dialect can doe.

Your Northern warlike Habitants of old,
Inur'd to Sultry heat, and Shuddring cold,
Against Picts, Scots, Saxons, and Lordly Danes
Display'd their valour, memoriz'd their Names.
Such was the Martial prowesse of your Nation,
As it preserv'd your Frontiers from Invasion:
And in one yeer did more joynt hearts combine,
Then Other Countryes did in all their time:
And in composing of their Interests,
Made Savage Foes become their Servile Beasts.

Brave gallant Blades! disperse your living Fames
From Twede to Trent, from Trent to prince y Thames

326

That Times may revell in your Annuall joyes,
And vow, No linage like our Northern Boyes.
May all the Muses, when they dip their lippe
In your rich Bolls, joy in your Fellowshippe.
While precious Nectar cheers your Poets braine,
And gives him hope to visit you again.

And you may trust him; when joynt votes succeed
For your next Feast, He shall no Ticket need.
These Tickets are Half-Crown-men: Our North Zone
Stands eyther for a Whole-One, or for none.

328

FINIS.

University of Virginia Library

To my Stationer Health, Wealth, and Liberty.