University of Virginia Library

Brave Apes; briske Bungs; yet they must leave the field,
And to an ancient Bencher learne to yeeld;
Fox-fur'd 's my Gowne, and smooth my close-cut chin,
But far more Foxly-smooth am I within.
Gravely can I for lucre-sake protest,
And clap mine unctuous fist upon my brest,
Ev'n when my heart 's as neer unto my mouth,
As East is to the West, or North to South.

Musæus came the other day to me,
(A curious wit for straines of Poesie)
And he besought me in a Cause as good
As truth could make it, if well understood,
To be his friend, and I did promise him,
But breach of promise is with us no sin.
He mee accoutred with his words of Art,
And I admir'd him too for his good part;
Ripe was his judgement, and his wit as quick
Garnish'd with copious flowers of Rhetorick.
But these are tongue ty'd Orators with me,
Who would have me his friend, must bring his fee.
Yet for all this, I will not stick to chide,
If any come to tempt me with a Bribe.
For I would have these wittalls understand
Fees must passe by my servants to my hand,
I take no Fees my selfe, they may fee Ned,
“They need not feare their cause if he be sped,
For we have Tarriers, Agents, Instruments,
To ope the Cabinet of our intents
And plot our purposes, give them their due,
And these we use as men should use a scrue.
These be our Harping-irons that will draw
Like Ferrets, these minc'd Maggots of the Law:
Who when their cause must to a hearing come,
Next night before unto my chamber run,
And currie favour all the waies they can,
To get admittance to me by my Man;
Which got, they finde me in Majestick sort,
Starching my beard, or reading a Report.
While each of these more scurvy Court'sies makes
Then upon Whitby-Strand are shapes of Snakes;
Which country Congies, were they ten times worse,
Shew State enough, because they cram my purse.
Suppose then how these Russetings appeare
Wholly divided betwixt hope and feare.
At whose approach I lay aside my booke,
Teaching my face a Radamanthean looke:
Sirrahs, What make you here? who sent you hither?
Your man, scarce mutter they, walk knaves together;
Thus fret I like gumm'd-grogran, which once past,
I deigne to take a superficiall taste
Of their ill-open'd cause, and give them hearing,
Which I intend next morning to appeare in;
Yet so, as if it nought concerned me,
But out of meere respect to equitie,
Though I doe prize the justice of his Cause
As much as old Sysambris did his Lawes.
But being heard, I doe demeane me so,
I get both coyne and good opinion too.
Thus doe my plots work for a thriving end,
I poll the poor, yet I'm the poor-mans friend.
Nor am I alwaies held the same I seeme,
For in my time I have a Nigler been:
So as in privacy I sometimes must
With my seer'd bones quench the desire of lust.
A faire-poor Client fall she in my dish,
Ile tickle her for forma-pauperis.
Downe goe my trunck-hose with their gravity,
To cope for once with acts of levity;
Her Case Ile put, like to a man of Law,
Bee't right or wrong I doe not care a straw:
My Bon-a-Roba shee the day shall win,
Nor spend a graine, but what she spent in sin,
I weigh not what the world doth Judge of me,
My saplesse-age pleads my Apologie.
“Appius has silent tongue, but speaking eyes,
“Yet who saith Appius loves Virginia lyes.
Yet they can tell you that do better know me,
How none sometimes can have admittance to me.
Fit were it then ye were advis'd when time is,
For now and then I drinke a cup of nimis,
So as to sleep so soundly I betake me,
A thousand Cannons scarcely could awake me.
Yet see my boldnesse! while my thirst I drench
In profuse cups, I sometimes mount the Bench,
And gives my cup-shot-judgement out of hand,
Ere I the Case or Pleadings understand,
And who dare well control me? sith these shelves
Which wrack my wits, my fellows feel themselves.
Besides, if any in my friends Case do oppose me,
I am their Advocate, if they will chose me.
They cannot stand for Seconds, I 'm the man
By all their Pleadings bob me if they can,
Some I have had, and in this English Nation,
Who have stood firmly on their generation;
That they were greater and more ancient borne
Then any descent was; but I held in scorne
Their fruitlesse Pleas, to th'Judges I did write,
And made expresse my Byrth, Descent and Scite.
Whereto they condiscended out a hand,
And doom'd my worthlesse brood take upper-hand.
Our Titles are, as wee doe make them good;
And if they crosse us they'r mis-understood,
For what is for us we embrace and love,
But what's against us we doe dis-approve.
Zlid, doe you think that our rich scarlet may
With such a Pension our Retinue pay
Unlesse wee lose by't? No, wee know our time,
And with Duke Humfrey wee'll be loth to dine.

Now for my Circuit so imperious am I,
That though I purchase the distaste of many,
Yet I'm indifferent how they censure me,
I justifie my legall Soveraignty.
My white-lock is ambitious of honour,
Yea, I must tell you, I doe dote upon her.
But in no place am I predominant
So much as when I'm Judge-itinerant:
Where flocks of country Gentlemen do meet me,
And in submissiv'st manner use to greet me;
Like Widgeons some behinde and some before me,
As a terrestriall Idoll they adore me.
Blest is the man, to whom Ile daigne to speake;
And how admir'd when I a jeast doe breake.
'Tis wonderfull to see what preparation
Is daily made for me, and in what fashion
Each County entertains mee and my crue,
Who take upon them, give the knaves their due,
As they were petie-Judges in commanding
Weake officers, who have no understanding
But only to admire them, and give way
To their commands, whats'ere they doe or say.
My Tipstaffe is esteem'd a wittie man,
And one (so saith the witless Commonty) who can
Prevaile much with me, for he ever knowes
What way the winde of my opinion blowes.
Nor err they in their judgement, for indeed
Hee that would in his businesse succeede
Must make this man his Orator unto mee,
For he so fitly, to my profit knowes mee,
As be the Cause you recommend to him
Never so foule, yee shall be sure to win.
For, truth is, I dare hardly say him nay,
He knowes my courses so, which to display
Would shame mee quite, so as whats'ere I show,
I must keepe in with him whats'ere I do.
Now when I leave the County where I sit,
(I cannot chuse but jeere them for their wit)
The generous Fry swim to my Chequers bag,
Where one presents mee with a summer Nag,
One with a cast of Hawks, and now and then,
Some Shires Scotch Daggers to my Serving-men;
Others give hunting-Leases, which remaine
For Customs now, and must not off againe.
Yet were these bounteous Babies blest the while,
If all their bounties could procure a smile
From my composed Count'nance, but they err
That doe expect me to be popular.
No, I must punctuall be, and set my face
According to the tenour of my place.
My posture is accoutered with braves,
In calling of the Shrieff and Gentry knaves:
None dare affront me while I am in place,
And whom I please, I put to all disgrace.
In Counties where I am at my own finding,
My richly-moultred Mill is ever grinding.
The Gentry, shey have notice by the Shrieves,
And furnish me with Muttons, Veals and Beeves;
Others doe send me Venison and Wine,
So as my Circuit is a joviall time.
For such aboundance of provision have I,
As it would furnish neere a Royall-Navie.
Now lest yee doubt my numerous Retinue
Should want their due or competent Revenue,
I give the meaner sort which doe attend me
Reversions of that store the Gentry send me;
As broken-meat, and beere, all which they prize,
And sell poor people at the end o'th Size.
There's nought unvalued that may mony give,
So well my Meney is inform'd to live.
But for the better sort you may suppose,
(Specially such who help to trusse my hose)
I mint some other profits more then these,
As my Subscription unto Refrences,
Which ignorant people bring, hoping thereby
T'affright their strong and factious enemy:
But they'r deceiv'd, for they no more prevaile
By our Referments then an old-wives tale,
Nor shall this trouble us; our men gaine by them,
Come they as thick as hayle wee'll not deny them.
Thus far our Country life hath been exprest,
In Court and City wee'll display the rest.
In Court we seldome come, yet great men know us,
And in a Courtly-garbe petition to us
By their ingenious Agents, and we heare them,
And though their Crimes be odious we forbear them.
Or if to us they should a Letter send
In such an ones behalfe, to be his friend,
Then Stoick-Cato wee'r instructed better,
We passe no Doome before we read the Letter,
For wee've experience of a tickle-seat,
How dangerous it is t' offend the Great:
Wee'll not distaste them then in any case,
Lest they be meanes to put us from our place.
Sometimes we are invited to a Play,
Upon some joviall-ceremoniall-day,
Where we doe presse, as other Sages use,
With grave aspect unto the Banket-house,
And there in Conscript manner doe wee sit,
Admiring of some passages of wit
Which we doe understand as well as he
That tooke Opigena for Mercurie.
But in reserved jests we have a care,
To make men deeme us wiser then we are:
If Great-ones laugh, it is a pregnant jeast,
And we approve it as we hug a Feast.
If we be widdowers, though saplesse, old,
Decrepit, crooked, rhumatick and cold;
Yet see what wealth can do, we straight are chosen
As fit to match with such a Great-mans Cosen,
Though shee, poor Girle, rather would be led
Unto her Grave then to a loathed bed:
Yet Will an old-man serve them for a cloake,
And be a Chimney for a greater smoake.
And that 's the cause, no question, when we dy
And leave our wives so large a Legacy,
Why they set their affection on Soldadoes,
That can discourse on nought but Barracadoes:
For such is their strong-temperd resolution,
They love no Judgement like to Execution.
But 'tis no matter for the worlds Sentence,
We get us honour by our wives acquaintance;
Which we so idolize, that we can show it
Even in our pace, as we were borne unto it.
Were it not fit then we should shew all grace
To such as these who raise us to our place?
For tell me seriously, how many have
Deserved well, who never could receive
Any esteeme at all, for all their worth,
Because they had no friend to set them forth?
These liv'd obscurely, and as poorly dyde,
Nor cap'd nor congi'd, nor so much as ey'de,
Or popularly viewd; what was the cause?
They had nought but the knowledge of our Lawes
To give them count'nance, whereas such as we
By our Alliance more authentick be.
For there's no place nor person in the Court,
Whereto we may not readily resort
And have accesse, by consequence, successe
In whats'ere we Petition, more or lesse.

But now I must unto the City goe,
Where I am Councellor and dweller too;
Neighbours I have, but principally three,
Who now are Wardens of a Companie,
Men of sufficient wealth, I can assure ye,
And now and then impannell'd in a Jurye:
Of one whereof (I cannot chuse but laugh)
For all he walks now with his Civil-staffe,
Being made Juror of a grand Enquest,
And in's opinion wiser then the rest;
Unto his fellowes that himselfe display'd,
“Thus long have we our Verdicts (friends) delay'd,
“And as ye see it draweth neere to night,
“And we by Law are barr'd from Candle-light,
“Meat, drink, and necessaties, till we give
“Our Verdict up, which die; or which to live.
“Now hear me (friends) we've twelve Indictments here,
“Against twelve prisoners as may appeare;
“To what end should we thus precisely watch them
“Let's hang six and save six, and so dispath them,
Yet this is held a man of choyce esteeme,
And in his white fox-fur sits to be seene
Upon his well-couch'd-Bench, whose Pillars be
As fit t' advise a Company as he.
Yet deigne I with these sage-gulls to discourse,
Nor doe I hold my judgement any worse.
The Sun may shine on dung, none can deny it,
And yet receive no stayne nor blemish by it.
The object of their knowledge is my jeast,
The ground of my acquaintance is to feast,
And jeere them for their bounty when they doe it,
Though I must tell you I goe gladly to it.
But for requitall they have none from me,
It is sufficient they've my companie.
“Once in his life the Churle make's his feast,
“And by that feast, his byrth-day is exprest:
Whose rule is my direction, and shall ever;
I'd rather be a taker then a giver.
If they invite us to them we will meet them,
“Though fools make feasts, wise men may go to eat them.
Nor are these all th' delights I cope with here,
I have variety through all the yeere.
Here a fresh Erithrea of choice price,
Came last day privately for my advice,
“Whether a Citizen lawfully might
“Having, (as she put case, laid with a Knight)
“Challenge precedence for her eldest Son
“Fore such an one as had no such thing don?
Whereto I answer'd; might I put her Case,
I little doubt but she should have the place,
And for her Son get that prioritie
Which did belong unto my Progenie.
At which reply, smiling away she went
Silent, which silence did imply consent.

Thus both in City, Country, and in Court,
With a reserved gravity and port
I spread my beams of honour, and descry
A select affectation in mine eye.
I looke about me with a glorious vaine,
While my fastidious wagg beares up my traine:
Groundlings I dis-esteeme that crosse the way,
As if I were of better clay then they:
And in a word, so sweetly doe I breath,
I feare no Enemy so much as Death.