University of Virginia Library

36. LETTER XXXVI.
COUSIN EPHRAIM EXPLAINS THE SCIENCE OF LAND SPECULATION.

Dear Cousin Jack:—The Legislater folks have all cleared
out to-day, one arter t'other, jest like a flock of sheep; and
some of 'em have left me in the lurch tu, for they cleared out
without paying me for my apples. Some of 'em went off in
my debt as much as twenty cents, and some ninepence, and
a shilling, and so on. They all kept telling me when they got
paid off they'd settle up with me. And so I waited with patience
till they adjourned, and thought I was as sure of my
money as though it was in the bank.

But, my patience, when they did adjourn, such a hubbub I
guess you never see. They were flying about from one room

to another, like so many pigeons shot in the head. They run
into Mr. Harris' room, and clawed the money off his table,
hand over fist. I brustled up to some of 'em, and tried to settle.
I come to one man that owed me twelve cents, and he
had a ninepence in change; but he wouldn't let me have that,
because he should lose half a cent. So, while we were bothering
about it, trying to get it changed, the first I knew the
rest of 'em had got their money in their pockets, and were off
lik a shot—some of 'em in stages, and some in sleighs,
and some footing it. I out and followed arter 'em, but 't was
no use; I couldn't catch one of 'em. And as for my
money, and apples tu, I guess I shall have to whistle for
'em now. It's pesky hard, for I owe four and sixpence here yet
for my board, and I've paid away every cent I've got for my
apples, and don't know but I shall have to come down with
another load to clear out my expenses. Howsomever, you
know Uncle Joshua always told us never to cry for spilt milk,
so I mean to hold my head up yet.

I don't know but I shall have to give up retailing apples, I
meet with so many head flaws about it. I was thinking that,
soon as the Legislater adjourned, I'd take a load of apples and
apple-sass, and a few sassages, and come on to Washington,
and go long with your company to South Carolina. But they
say Mr. Clay has put a stopper on that nullification business,
and it's ten chanches to one you won't have to go.

I don't care so much about the apple business after all, for
I've found out a way to get rich forty times as fast as I can
by retailing apples, or as you can by hunting after an office.
And I advise you to come right home, as quick as you can
come. Here's a business going on here that you can get rich
by ten times as quick as you can in any office, even if you
should get to be President. The President don't have but
twenty-five thousand dollars a year; but in this 'ere business

that's going on here, a man can make twenty-five thousand
dollars in a week if he's a mind to, and not work hard neither.

I s'pose by this time you begin to feel rather in a pucker to
know what this business is. I'll tell you; but you must keep
it to yourself, for if all them are Washington folks and Congress
folks should come on here and go dipping into it, I'm
afraid they'd cut us all out. But between you and me, it's
only jest buying and selling land. Why, Jack, it's forty times
more profitable than money digging, or any other business
that you ever see. I knew a man here t'other day from Bangor,
that made ten thousand dollars, and I guess he wan't more
than an hour about it. Most all the folks here, and down to
Portland and Bangor, have got their fortunes made, and now
we are beginning to take hold of it up in the country.

They've got a slice up in Downingville, and I missed it by
being down here selling apples, or I should had a finger in
the pie. Uncle Joshua Downing—you know he's an old fox,
and always knows where to jump; well, he see how everybody
was getting rich, so he went and bought a piece of township
up back of Downingville, and give his note for a thousand
dollars for it. And then he sold it to Uncle Jacob, and
took his note for two thousand dollars; and Uncle Jacob sold
it to Uncle Zackary, and took his note for three thousand dollars;
and Uncle Zackary sold it to Uncle Jim, and took his
note for four thousand dollars; and Uncle Jim sold it to
Cousin Sam, and took his note for five thousand dollars; and
Cousin Sam sold it to Bill Johnson, and took his note for six
thousand dollars. So you see there's five of 'em, that wan't
worth ninepence apiece, (except Uncle Joshua,) have now got
a thousand dollars apiece clear, when their notes are paid.
And Bill Johnson's going to logging off of it, and they say he'll
make more than any of 'em.

Come home, Jack; come home by all means, if you want

to get rich. Give up your commission, and think no more
about being President, or anything else, but come home and
buy land before it's all gone.