University of Virginia Library

2. CHAPTER II.

The curious traveller along the western bank
of the Delaware river, will hardly fail to notice
some few scattered remains, such as parts of old
walls, and fragments of chimneys, which indicate
where once stood the famous fort and town of
Elsingburg, one of the earliest settlements of
the Swedes in this country. The precise spot
these ruins occupy we shall not point out, since
it is our present intention to give such an accurate
description, that it cannot be mistaken by
a reader of common sagacity.

At the time this history commences, that is to
say, somewhere about the middle of the sixteenth
century, a period of very remote antiquity considering
the extreme juvenility of our country, this
important little post was governed by the Heer
Peter Piper, a short thickset person, of German
parentage, whose dress, rain or shine, week days
or Sundays, in peace or war, in winter and summer,

was a suit of olive-coloured velvet, ornamented
with ebony buttons. A picture still preserved in
the Piper family, represents him with a round, and
somewhat full face, a good deal wrinkled; sturdy
short legs, thin at the ankles, and redundant at the
calves, such as we seldom see nowadays, since the
horrible invention of loose trowsers, which renders
it entirely unnecessary that nature should
take any special pains with that part of the animal
man; square-toed shoes, and square buckles
of a yellowish hue, but whether of gold or brass
is impossible to decide at this remote period.
We would give the world, that is to say, all that
part of it which is at present in our possession,
namely, a magnificent castle in the air, to be able
to satisfy the doubts of our readers in respect to
the problem whether the Heer Peter Piper wore a
cocked hat. But as the painter, with an unpardonable
negligence, and a total disregard to posterity,
has chosen to represent him bareheaded,
we can only say, that his head was ordinarily covered
with a thick crop of hair that curled rather
crabbedly about his forehead and ears. It hath
been aptly remarked by close observers of human
nature, that this species of petulant curl, is almost
the invariable concomitant of an irritable, testy,
impatient temper, which, as it were, crisps and
curls about after a similar manner with the said
hair.

Certain it is that, whatever exceptions may occur
to the general rule, the Heer Piper was not
one of them, he being, as the course of our history
will fully substantiate, an exceeding little
tyrant, that fell into mortal passions about nothing,
broke his nose over every straw that lay in
his way, and was seldom to be found in any
sort of good humour, except when he had swore
vengeance at every soul that excited his wrath.
Indeed, to say truth, he was one of those blustering
little bodies, who differ entirely from those
who are said to be no heroes to their valet-de-chambre,
since it was said of him that he was a
hero to nobody else, but his servants and dependants,
whom he bullied exceedingly. The good
people of Elsingburgh called him, behind
his back, Pepper Pot Peter, in double allusion
to the fiery nature of his talk, and his fondness
for the dish known among our ancestors by
that name, and remarkable for its high seasoning.
The distich placed at the head of this chapter,
was made upon the Heer Peter, by a wag of the
day, who excelled in alliterative poetry, and of
whom we shall say more anon, if we do not forget
it in the multiplicity of adventures we intend

to incorporate into this true history. But as we
mean to leave a good part of our work to the
imagination of the reader to supply to the best
of his abilities, we will let the character of Governor
Piper develop itself in his future conduct,
and proceed with our story.

One sultry summer afternoon in the month of
July, the Heer Peter having finished his dinner by
one o'clock, was sitting in his great arm chair,
under the shade of a noble elm, the stump of
which is still to be seen, and being hollow,
serves for a notable pig sty, smoking his pipe as
was his custom, and ruminating in that luxurious
state of imbecility between sleeping and waking.
The river in front spread out into an expansive
lake, smooth and bright as a looking glass; the
leaves hung almost lifeless to the trees, for there
was not a breath of air stirring; the cattle
stood midway in the waters, lashing the flies
lazily with their tails; the turkeys sought the
shade with their bills wide open, gasping for
breath; and all nature, animate as well as inanimate,
displayed that lassitude which is the
consequence of excessive heat.

The Heer sat with his eyes closed, and we
will not swear that he was not at this precise moment
fast asleep, although the smoke of his pipe

still continued to ascend at regular intervals, in
a perpendicular column, inasmuch as it was
affirmed by Wolfgang Langfanger, and some
others of his friends and counsellers, that the
Heer Peter did sometimes smoke somewhat instinctively,
as a man breathes in his sleep. However
this may be, whether sleeping or waking, the
Governor was suddenly roused by the intrusion of
one Lob Dotterel, a constable and busybody, who
considered himself, in virtue of his office, at full
liberty to poke his proboscis into every hole and
corner, and to pry into the secret as well as
public actions of every soul in the village. It is
astonishing what a triumph it was to Lob Dotterel,
to catch any body tripping; he considered
it a proof of his vigilance and sagacity. And
here, lest the reader should do Master Dotterel
wrong, in supposing that the prospect of bribes
or fees herein stimulated him to activity, we will
aver it as our belief, that he was governed by no
such sordid motive, but acted upon a similar
instinct with that of a well-bred pointer dog,
who is ever seen wagging his tail with great
delight when he brings in game, although he
neither expects to be rewarded, or to share in
the spoil, at least so far as we have been able to
penetrate his motives of action.

Master Dotterel was backed on the occasion
aforesaid, by one Restore Gosling, and Master
Oldale, keeper of the Indian Queen, the most
fashionable, not to say the only tavern, in the village
of Elsingburgh. These three worthies had in
custody a tall, straight, light-complexioned, blue-eyed
youth, who signified his contempt for the
accusation, whatever it might be, the constable,
Master Restore Gosling, Master Oldale, and
the Heer Peter himself, by rubbing his chin on
either side with his thumb and fingers, and
whistling Yankee Doodle, or any other tune that
doth not involve a horrible anachronism.

There are three things a real genuine great
man cannot bear, to wit:—to do business after
dinner—to be disturbed in his meditations—or
to suspect that the little people below him do not
think him so great a person as he is inclined to
think himself. All these causes combined to put
the Heer Peter in a bad humour, insomuch that
he privately communed with himself that he
would tickle this whistling, chin-scraping stripling.

“Well, culprit,” cried the Heer, with a formidable
aspect of authority—“Well, culprit, what
is your crime? I can see with half an eye you're
no better than you should be.”

“That's no more than may be said of most
people, I believe,” answered the youth, with great
composure.

“Answer me, sirrah,” quoth the Heer, “what
is thy crime, I say?”

“Ask these Gentlemen,” said the other.

“What—eh! you can't confess, hey! an old
offender I warrant me. I'll tickle you before
I've done with you. What's thy name—whence
came you—and whither art thou going, culprit?”

“My name,” replied the fair tall youth, “is
Koningsmarke, surnamed the Long Finne; I
came from the Hoarkill, and I am going to jail,
I presume, if I may augur aught from your
Excellency's look, and the hard names you are
pleased to bestow on me.”

Nothing is so provoking to the majesty of a
great man, as the self-possession of a little one.
The Heer Peter Piper began to suspect that the
Long Finne did not stand in sufficient awe of his
dignity and authority, a suspicion than which
nothing could put him in a greater passion. He
addressed Master Dotterel, and demanded to
know for what offence the culprit was brought
before him, in a tone which Lob perfectly understood
as encouragement not to suppress any part

of the prisoner's guilt. Lob hereupon referred
the Heer to Master Oldale, who referred him to
Restore Gosling, who had laid the information.
This apparent disposition to shift the onus
probandi caused additional wrath in the Heer,
who began to tremble lest the Long Finne might
give him the slip, and escape the consequences of
his contempt of authority. He thundered forth
a command to Gosling to state all he knew
against the culprit; laying hard emphasis on the
word “all.”

Master Gosling, after divers scratches of the
head, such as my Lord Byron indulgeth in when
he writeth poetry, gathered himself together, and
said as follows—not deposed, for the Heer held
it an undue indulgence to prisoners, to put the
witnesses against them to their bible oath.—
Master Gosling stated, that he had seen the
young man, who called himself Koningsmarke,
or the Long Finne, take out of his pocket a handfull
of Mark Newby's halfpence, or, as it was
commonly called, Pat's halfpence, which every
body knew was prohibited being brought into
the dominions of Sweden, under penalty of confiscation
of the money; one half to the informer,
and the other half to his Sacred Majesty, the

King of Sweden, Denmark, Norway, and the
Goths.

“Ho, ho!” exclaimed the Heer, rubbing his
hands; “this looks like conspiracy and plot with
a vengeance. I should not be surprised if the
Pope and the — of Babylon were at the
bottom of this.” And here we will remind the
reader that this was about the time that the manufactory
of plots, Popish and Presbyterian, Meal
Tub and Rye House, flourished so luxuriantly,
under the fruitful invention of Shaftesbury, Oates,
Tongue, Dugdale, Bedlow and others. Now the
Heer Peter always took pattern after the old
countries, insomuch that whenever a plot came
out in England, or elsewhere, he forthwith got
up another at Elsingburgh, as nearly like it as
possible. In one word, he imitated all the
pranks, freaks and fooleries of royalty, as an ape
does those of a man. At the period, too, which
this history is about to commemorate, there were
terrible jealousies and heart-burnings betwixt the
representatives of royalty in the adjoining or
neighbouring colonies of New-Jersey, Pensylvania,
Maryland, New-York, and Connecticut.
The different monarchs of Europe, had not only
given away with astonishing liberality what did
not belong to them, in this new world, but given

it away over and over again to different persons,
so that it was next to impossible either to settle
the boundaries of the various grants, or to ascertain
who was the real proprietor of the soil.
As to the Indians, they were out of the question.
Now, though these tracts were, ninety-nine parts
in a hundred, a perfect wilderness, and the number
of inhabitants as one to a hundred square
miles, yet did these potentates, and especially
their governors, feel great solicitude lest they
should be in no little time stinted for elbow-room.
They were, consequently, always bickering about
boundaries, and disputing every inch of wilderness
most manfully, by protest and appeal to
any thing but arms.

The Heer Piper governed a territory by
right of discovery, grant, possession, and what not,
somewhat larger than Sweden, and which, at
the time of this writing, contained exactly
(by census) three hundred and sixty-eight
souls, exclusive of Indians. It is therefore
little to be wondered at, if, being as he was,
a long-headed man, metaphorically speaking,
he should begin to look out in time for the
comfort of the immense population, which he
foresaw must speedily be pressed for room. His
jealousy was of course continually squinting at

his neighbours, most especially the Quakers at
Coaquanock, and the Roman Catholics, who
about this time settled at St. Mary's under
Leonard Calvert. He therefore pricked up his
ears, and smelt a plot, at the very sound of
Mark Newby's halfpence, a coin then circulating
in West Jersey and Coaquanock, and forthwith
set down the Long Finne as an emissary
from the Quakers, who, he swore, although they
would not fight, had various ways of getting possession
of his territories, much more effectual
than arms. Moreover, he abhorred them because
they would not pull off their hats to the
representative of Gustavus Adolphus, and, as he
affirmed, were a people who always expected
manners from others, although they gave none
themselves. In addition to these causes of disgust,
it was rumoured, that his Excellency the
Heer, being once riding out near Coaquanock,
met a Quaker driving a great wagon, and who
refusing to turn either to the right or to the left,
rendered it necessary for Peter Piper to attempt
to pass him, by the which his buggy was
overset, and himself precipitated into a slough.
Let me tell the reader, that trifles less than
these have more than once set mankind together
by the ears, and caused the rivers of the earth
to run red with blood.

Under the influence of these statesmanlike
views, jealousies, antipathies, and what not, the
Heer viewed the possession of such a quantity
of Mark Newby's halfpence as a suspicious circumstance,
and indeed had little doubt, in his
own mind, that the Long Finne had come into
the settlement to seduce it from its allegiance to
the great Gustavus, by actual bribery. The reader
may smile at the idea of corrupting a community
with halfpence, now when paper money
is so plenty that dollars fly about like may-flies
in the spring, and that it sometimes actually takes a
hundred of these to purchase a man's conscience.
But we will make bold to tell him, his smile only
betrays an utter ignorance of the simplicity of
those times, when a penny was deemed equal to
six white and four black wampum; and a tract
of land, larger than a German principality, was at
one time purchased for sixty tobacco-boxes, one
hundred and twenty pipes, one hundred Jew's-harps,
and a quantity of red paint. It hath
been shrewdly observed, that the value of money
regulates the consciences of men, as it does
every other article of trade, so that the suspicion
of Governor Piper was not quite so ridiculous as

many ignorant readers may be inclined to suppose
at first sight. This explanation we afford
gratuitously, hinting, at the same time, that as it
is no part of our plan to make things appear probable,
or actions consistent, we shall not often
display a similar disposition to account for what
happens.

“Long Finne,” said the Heer, after considerable
cogitation—“Long Finne, thou art found
guilty of suspicion of traitorous designs against
the authority of his sacred majesty, Gustavus
Adolphus of Sweden, and in order that thou
mayest have time and opportunity to clear up
thy character, we sentence thee to be imprisoned
till thine innocence is demonstrated, or thou
shalt confess thy guilt.”

By this time half the village, at least, was collected,
as is usual on these occasions, when they
flock to see a criminal, as porpoises do about a
wounded mate, not to succour, but to worry him.
The whole assembly were struck with astonishment
at the wisdom of Governor Piper's decision,
which they looked upon as dictated by blind
Justice herself. Not so the Long Finne, who
like most unreasonable persons, that are seldom
satisfied with law or justice when it goes against
them, seemed inclined to remonstrate. But the

Heer, whose maxim it was to punish first and
pity afterwards, forthwith commanded him to be quiet, quoting his favourite saying, “Sirrah, if
we both talk at once, how are we to understand
one another?”

As they were taking him from the presence
of the Governor to convey him to prison, the tall,
fair youth, turned his eye mildly, yet significantly
towards the Heer, and pronounced in a low voice
the words, “Caspar Steinmets.” “What! who!
whose name did you utter?” exclaimed his excellency
in great agitation—

“Caspar Steinmets”—replied the youth.

“What of him”—rejoined the Heer.

“I am his nephew”—replied the Long Finne.
“The friend of your youth would be little obliged
to you, could he see you hurrying the son of his
bosom to a prison, because he possessed a handfull
of Mark Newby's halfpence.”

“Pish!” cried the Heer—“I never heard that
old Caspar Steinmets had a nephew, and I don't
believe a word of it.”

“He had a sister, who married a gentleman of
Finland, called Colonel Koningsmarke, against
the wishes of her friends. She was discarded,
and her name never mentioned. On the death
of both my parents, my uncle adopted me, but

he died also, not long after you sailed for
the new world.—Look, sir, do you know this
picture?”

“Blood of my heart,” exclaimed the Heer,
contemplating the picture, “but this is old Caspar
Steinmets, sure enough! Ah! honest, jolly
old Caspar! many a time hast thou and I drunk,
fought and raked together, in bonny Finland!
But for all that, culprit, thou shalt not escape
justice, until thou hast accounted to me for the
possession of this picture, which hath marvellously
the appearance of stolen goods.”

“Stolen goods, sir!” interrupted the fair
youth, passionately; but, as if recollecting himself,
he relapsed again into an air of unconquerable
serenity, and began to whistle in an under
tone.

“Ay, marry, stolen goods! I shall forthwith
commit thee to prison, and retain this
picture till thou provest property, and payest all
charges. Take him away, master constable.”

The youth seemed about to remonstrate, but
again, as if suddenly recollecting himself, remained
silent, shrugged his shoulders, and quietly
submitted to be conducted to the prison, followed
by the crowd, which usually, on such occasions,
volunteers as an honourable escort to

heroes of the bridewell and quarter sessions. But
nothing could equal the triumph of Lob Dotterel
on this occasion, who looked upon the establishing
of a man's innocence to be lessening the importance
of a constable, who, as he affirmed, derived
dignity and consequence in exact proportion
to the crimes of mankind.

Having despatched this weighty affair, the
Heer Piper knocked the ashes out of his pipe,
and returned to his gubernatorial mansion, with
a full resolution of communicating the whole affair
to the Chancellor Oxenstiern.