University of Virginia Library

15. CHAPTER XV.

It is always agreeable to arrive safe, at the end
of a long, fatiguing and hazardous journey. But
the pleasure is considerably augmented when the
visit is paid to a novel region, with a steam-climate,
and which is peopled by a new species. My
own satisfaction, too, was coupled with the reflection
that I had been of real service to four very
interesting and well-bred strangers, who had been
cast, by an adverse fortune, into the hands of humanity,
and who owed to me a boon far more precious
than that of life itself,—a restoration to their
natural and acquired rights, their proper stations
in society, and sacred liberty! The reader will
judge, therefore, with what inward self-congratulation
I now received the acknowledgments of the
whole monikin party, and listened to their most
solemn protestations ever to consider, not only all
they might jointly and severally possess in the way
of estates and dignities, at my entire disposal, but
their persons as my slaves. Of course, I made as
light as possible of any little service I might have
done them, protesting, in my turn, that I looked
upon the whole affair more in the light of a party
of pleasure than a tax, reminding them that I had
not only obtained an insight into a new philosophy,
but that I was already, thanks to the decimal system,
a tolerable proficient in their ancient and
learned language. These civilities were scarcely
well over, before we were boarded by the boat of
the port-captain.

The arrival of a human ship was an event likely
to create excitement in a monikin country; and,
as our approach had been witnessed for several
hours, preparations had been made to give us a
proper reception. The section of the academy to
whom is committed the custody of the “Science
of Indications,” was hastily assembled, by order
of the King, who, by the way, never speaks except
through the mouth of his oldest male first
cousin, who, by the fundamental laws of the realm,
is held responsible for all his official acts, (in private,
the King is allowed almost as many privileges
as any other monikin,) and who, as is due
to him in simple justice, is permitted to exercise,
in a public point of view, the functions of the eyes,
ears, nose, conscience, and tail of the monarch.
The savans were active, and as they proceeded
with method, and on well-established principles,
their report was quickly made. It contained, as
we afterwards understood, seven sheets of premises,
eleven of argument, sixteen of conjecture,
and two lines of deduction. This heavy draft on
the monikin intellect, was duly achieved by dividing
the work into as many parts as there were
members of the section present, viz. forty. The
substance of their labors was, to say that the vessel
in sight was a strange vessel; that it came to a
strange country, on a strange errand, being manned
by strangers; and that its objects were more
likely to be peaceful than warlike, since the glasses
of the academy did not enable them to discover
any means of annoyance, with the exception of
certain wild beasts, who appeared, however, to be
peaceably occupied in working the ship. All this
was sententiously expressed in the purest monikin
language. The effect of the report was to cause
all hostile preparations to be abandoned.

No sooner did the boat of the port-captain return
to the shore, with the news that the strange ship
had arrived with my Lord Chatterino, my Lady
Chatterissa and Dr. Reasono, than there was a
general burst of joy along the strand. In a very
short time, the King—alias his eldest first cousin
of the male gender—ordered the usual compliments
to be paid to his distinguished subjects. A
deputation of young Lords, the hopes of Leaphigh,
came off to receive their colleague; whilst a bevy
of beautiful maidens, of noble birth, crowded
around the smiling and graceful Chatterissa, gladdening
her heart with their caressing manners and
felicitations. The noble pair left us in separate
boats, each attended by an appropriate escort.
We overlooked the little neglect of forgetting to
take leave of us, for joy had quite set them both
beside themselves. Next came a long procession
composed of high numbers, all of the “brown-study-color.”
These learned and dignified persons were
a deputation from the academy, which had sent
forth no less than forty of its number to receive
Dr. Reasono. The meeting between these loving
friends of monikinity and of knowledge, was conducted
on the most approved principles of reason.
Each section (there are forty in the academy of
Leaphigh) made an address, to all of which the
Doctor returned suitable replies, always using
exactly the same sentiments, but varying the subject
by transpositions, as dictionaries are known to be
composed by the ingenious combinations of the
twenty-six letters of the alphabet. Dr. Reasono
withdrew with his coadjutors, to my surprise, paying
not a whit more attention to Captain Poke and
myself, than would be paid, in any highly civilized
country of Christendom, on a similar occasion, by
a collection of the learned, to the accidental presence

of two monkeys. I thought this augured
badly, and began to feel as became Sir John
Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in the
Kingdom of Great Britain, when my sensations
were nipped in the bud by the arrival of the Officers
of Registration and Circulation. It was the
duty of the latter to give us the proper passports
to enter into and to circulate within the country,
after the former had properly enregistered our
numbers and colors, in such a way as to bring us
within the reach of taxation. The officer of Registration
was very expeditious from long practice.
He decided, at once, that I formed a new
class by myself; of which, of course, I was No. 1.
The Captain and his two mates formed another,
Nos. 1, 2 and 3. Bob had a class also to himself,
and the honors of No. 1; and the crew formed a
fresh class, being numbered according to height,
as the register deemed their merits to be altogether
physical. Next came the important point of color,
on which depended the quality of the class or caste,
the numbers merely indicating our respective stations
in the particular divisions. After a good deal
of deliberation, and many interrogatories, I was
enregistered as No. 1, flesh-color, Noah as No. 1,
sea-water-color, and his mates 2 and 3, accordingly.
Bob as No. 1, smut-colour; and the crew
as Nos. 1, 2, 3, &c. tar-color. The officer now
called upon an assistant to come forth with a sort
of knitting-needle heated red-hot, in order to affix
the official stamp to each in succession. Luckily
for us all, Noah happened to be the first to whom
the agent of the stamp-office applied, to uncase
and to prepare for the operation. The result
was one of those bursts of eloquent and logical
vituperation, and of remonstrating outcries, to
which any new personal exaction never failed
to give birth in the sealer. His discourse on this
occasion might be divided into the several following
heads, all of which were very ingeniously
embellished by the usual expletives and imagery—
“He was not a beast to be branded like a horse,
nor a slave to be treated like a Congo nigger; he
saw no use in applying the marks to men, who
were sufficiently distinguished from monkeys already;
Sir John had a handle before his name, and
if he liked it, he might carry his name behind his
body, by way of counterpoise, but, for his part,
he wanted no outriggers of the sort, being satisfied
with plain Noah Poke; he was a republican,
and it was anti-republican for a man to carry
about with him graven images; he thought it
might be even flying in the face of the Scriptures,
or, what was worse, turning his back on them;
he said that the Walrus had her name, in good
legible characters, on her starn, and that might
answer for both of them; he protested, d—n his
eyes, that he wouldn't be branded like a thief; he
incontinently wished the keeper of the privy-seal
to the d—l; he insisted there was no use in the
practice, unless one threw all aback and went starn
foremost into society, a rudeness at which human
natur' revolted; he knew a man at Stunin'tun who
had five names, and he should like to know what
they would do with him, if this practice should
come into fashion there; he had no objection to a
little paint, but no red-hot knitting-needle should
make acquaintance with his flesh, so long as he
walked his quarter-deck.”

The keeper of the seals listened to this remonstrance
with singular patience and decorum; a
forbearance that was probably owing to his not
understanding a word that had been said. But

there is a language that is universal, and it is not
less easy to comprehend when a man is in a passion,
than it is to comprehend any other irritated
animal. The officer of the Registration Department,
on this hint, politely inquired of me, if some
part of his official duties were not particularly
disagreeable to No. 1, sea-water-color. On my
admitting that the captain was reluctant to be
branded, he merely shrugged his shoulders, and
observed, that the exactions of the public were seldom
agreeable, but that duty was duty, that the
stamp-act was peremptory, and not a foot of ours
could touch Leaphigh, until we were all checked
off in this manner, in exact conformity with the
registration. I was much puzzled what to do, by
this indomitable purpose to perform his duty in the
officer; for, to own the truth, my own cuticle had
quite as much aversion to the operation, as that of
Captain Poke himself. It was not the principle,
so much as the novelty of its application, which
distressed me; for I had travelled too much not to
know that a stranger rarely enters a civilized
country without being more or less skinned, the
merest savages only permitting him to pass unscathed.
It suddenly came to my recollection
that the monikins had left all the remains of their
particular stores on board, consisting of an ample
supply of delicious nuts. Sending for a bag of the
best of them, I ordered it to be put into the register's
boat, informing him, at the same time, that I
was conscious they were quite unworthy of him,
but that I hoped, such as they were, he would
allow me to make an offering of them to his wife.
This attention was properly felt and received; and
a few minutes afterwards, a certificate in the following
words was put into my hands, viz.—

“Leaphigh, season of promise, day of performance:
Whereas, certain persons of the human
species have lately presented themselves to be
enregistered, according to the statute `For the
promotion of order and classification, and for the
collection of contributions;' and whereas, these
persons are yet in the second class of the animal
probation, and are more subject to bodily impressions
than the higher, or monikin species; Now,
know all monikins, &c., that they are stamped in
paint, and that only by their numbers; each class
among them being easily to be distinguished from
the others, by outward and indelible proofs.

“Signed,

“No. 8,020 office-color.”

I was told that all we had to do now, was to
mark ourselves with paint or tar, as we might
choose, the latter being recommended for the
crew; taking no farther trouble than to number
ourselves; and, when we went ashore, if any of
the gens-d'armes inquired why we had not the
legal impression on our persons, which quite possibly
would be the case, as the law was absolute
in its requisitions, all we had to do was to show
the certificate; but, if the certificate was not
sufficient, we were men of the world, and understood
the nature of things so well, that we did not
require to be taught so simple a proposition in philosophy,
as that which says, “like causes produce
like effects;” and he presumed I could not have so
far overrated his merits, as to have sent the whole
of my nuts into his boat. I avow that I was not
very sorry to hear the officer throw out these
hints, for they convinced me that my journey
through Leaphigh would be accompanied with
less embarrassment than I had anticipated, since

I now plainly perceived that monikins act on principles
that are not very essentially different from
those of the human race in general.

The complaisant register and the keeper of the
privy-seal took their departure together, when we
forthwith proceeded to number ourselves in compliance
with his advice. As the principle was
already settled, we had no difficulty with its application,
Noah, Bob, myself, and the largest of the
seamen being all No's. 1, and the rest ranking in
order. By this time it was night. The guard-boats
began to appear on the water, and we deferred
disembarking until morning.

All hands were early afoot. It had been arranged
that Captain Poke and myself, attended by Bob, as a
domestic, were to land, in order to make a journey
through the island, while the Walrus was to be left in
charge of the mates and the crew; the latter having
permission to go ashore, from time to time, as is
the practice with all seamen in port. There was
a great deal of preliminary scrubbing and shaving,
before the whole party could appear on deck, properly
attired for the occasion. Mr. Poke wore a
thin dress of linen, admirably designed to make him
look like a sea-lion; a conceit that he said was not
only agreeable to his feelings and habits, but which
had a cool and pleasant character, that was altother
suited to a steam-climate. For my own part,
I agreed with the worthy sealer, seeing but little
difference between his going in this garb, and his
going quite naked. My dress was made, on a design
of my own, after the social-stake system; or, in
other words, it was so arranged as to take an interest
in half of the animals of Exeter 'Change, to
which menagerie the artist, by whom it had been
painted, was sent expressly, in order to consult
nature. Bob wore the effigy, as his master called
it, of a turnspit.

The monikins were by far too polished to crowd
about us when we landed, with an impertinent and
troublesome curiosity. So far from this, we were
permitted to approach the capital itself without let
or hindrance. As it is less my intention to describe
physical things than to dwell upon the philosophy
and the other moral aspects of the Leaphigh world,
little more will be said of their houses, domestic
economy, and other improvements in the arts, than
may be gathered incidentally, as the narrative shall
proceed. Let it suffice to say, on these heads, that
the Leaphigh monikins, like men, consult, or think
they consult—which, so long as they know no better,
amounts to pretty much the same thing—their
own convenience in all things, the pocket alone
excepted; and that they continue very laudably to
do as their fathers did before them, seldom making
changes, unless they may happen to possess the
recommendation of being exotics; when, indeed,
they are sometimes adopted, probably on account
of their possessing the merit of having been proved
suitable to another state of things.

Among the first persons we met, on entering the
great square of Aggregation, as the capital of Leaphigh
is called when rendered into English, was
my Lord Chatterino. He was gaily promenading
with a company of young nobles, who all seemed
to be enjoying their youth, health, rank and privileges,
with infinite gusto. We met this party in a
way to render an escape from mutual recognition
impossible. At first I thought, from his averted
eye, that it was the intention of our late shipmate
to consider our knowledge of each other as one of
those accidental acquaintances which, it is known,
we all form at watering-places, on journeys, or in
the country, and which it is ill-mannered to press
upon others in town; or, as Captain Poke afterwards

expressed it, like the intimacy between an Englishman
and a Yankee, that has been formed in the
house of the latter, on better wine than is met with
anywhere else, and which was never yet known to
withstand the influence of a British fog. “Why, Sir
John,” the sealer added, “I once tuck (he meant to
say took, not tucked) a countryman of yours under
my wing, at Stunin'tun, during the last war. He
was a prisoner, as we make prisoners; that is, he
went and did pretty much as he pleased; and the
fellow had the best of every thing—molasses that a
spoon would stand up in, pork that would do to
slush down a top-mast, and New-England rum,
that a king might sit down to, but could not get up
from—well, what was the end on't? why, as sure
as we are among these monkeys, the fellow booked
me. Had I booked but the half of what he guzzled,
the amount, I do believe, would have taken the
transaction out of any justice's court in the state.
He said my molasses was meagre, the pork lean,
and the liquor infernal. There were truth and gratitude
for you! He gave the whul account, too, as a
specimen of what he called American living!”

Hereupon I reminded my companion, that an
Englishman did not like to receive even favors, on
compulsion; that when he meets a stranger in his
own country, and is master of his own actions, no
man understands better what true hospitality is, as
I hoped one day to show him, at Householder Hall:
as to his first remark, he ought to remember that
an Englishman considered America as no more
than the country, and that it would be ill-mannered
to press an acquaintance made there.

Noah, like most other men, was very reasonable
on all subjects that did not interfere with his prejudices
or his opinions; and he very readily admitted
the general justice of my reply.

“It's pretty much as you say, Sir John,” he continued.
“In England you may press men, but it
wun't do to press hospitality. Get a volunteer in this
way, and he is as good a fellow as heart can wish.
I shouldn't have cared so much about the chap's
book, if he had said nothin' ag'in the rum. Why,
Sir John, when the English bombarded Stunin'tun
with eighteen-pounders, I proposed to load our old
twelve with a gallon out of the very same cask,
for I do think it would have huv' the shot the best
part of a mile!”

— But this digression is leading me from
the narrative. My Lord Chatterino turned his head
a little on one side, as we were passing; and I was
deliberating whether, under the circumstances, it
would be well-bred to remind him of our old acquaintance,
when the question was settled by the
decision of Captain Poke, who placed himself in
such a position that it was no easy matter to get
round him, through him, or over him; or who laid
himself what he called “athwart hawse.”

“Good morning, my Lord,” said the straight-forward
seaman, who generally went at a subject,
as he went at a seal. “A fine warm day; and the
smell of the land, after so long a passage, is quite
agreeable to the nose, whatever its ups and downs
may be to the legs.”

The companions of the young peer looked amazed;
and some of them, I thought, notwithstanding
gravity and earnestness are rather characteristic
of the monikin physiognomy, betrayed a slight disposition
to laugh. Not so with my Lord Chatterino
himself.

He examined us a moment through a glass, and
then seemed suddenly and, on the whole, agreeably
struck at seeing us.

“How, Goldencalf!” he cried, in surprise, “you

in Leaphigh! This is, indeed, an unexpected satisfaction;
for it will now be in my power to prove
some of the facts that I am telling my friends, by
actual observation. Here are two of the humans,
gents, of whom I was but this moment giving you
some account—”

Observing a disposition to merriment in his associates,
he continued, looking exceedingly grave:—

“Restrain yourselves, gentlemen, I pray you.
These are very worthy people, I do assure you, in
their own way, and are not at all to be ridiculed.
I scarcely know, even in our own marine, a better
or a bolder navigator than this honest seaman; and,
as for the one in the parti-colored skin, I will take
upon myself to say, that he is really a person of
some consideration in his own little circle. He is,
I believe, a member of par—par—par—am I right,
Sir John?—a member of—”

“Parliament, my Lord—an M. P.”

“Ay—I thought I had it—an M. P. or a member
of parliament in his own country, which, I dare
say, now, is some such thing among his people, as
a public proclaimer of those laws which come from
His Majesty's eldest first-cousin of the masculine
gender, may be among us. Some such thing—eh—
now—eh—is it not, Sir John?”

“I dare say it is, my Lord.”

“All very true, Chatterino,” put in one of the
young monikins, with a very long, elaborated tail,
which he carried nearly perpendicular—“but what
would be even a law-maker—to say nothing of law-
breakers like ourselves—among men! You should
remember, my dear fellow, that a mere title, or a
profession, is not the criterion of true greatness; but
that the prodigy of a village may be a very common
monikin in town.”

“Poh—poh”—interrupted Lord Chatterino, “thou

art ever for refining, Hightail—Sir John Goldencalf
is a very respectable person in the island of—
a—a—a—what do you call that said island of
yours, Goldencalf?—a—a—”

“Great Britain, my Lord.”

“Ay, Great Breeches, sure enough: yes, he is
a respectable person—I can take it upon myself
to say, with confidence, a very respectable person,
in Great Breeches. I dare say he owns no small
portion of the island himself. How much, now,
Sir John, if the truth were told?”

“Only the estate and village of Householder,
my Lord, with a few scattered manors, here and
there.”

“Well, that is a very pretty thing, there can be
no doubt,—then you have money at use?”

“And who is the debtor?” sneeringly inquired
the jack-a-napes Hightail.

“No other, my Lord Hightail, than the realm
of Great Britain.”

“Exquisite, that, egad! A noble's fortune in the
custody of the realm of a—Greek—a—”

“Great Breeches,” interrupted my Lord Chatterino;
who, notwithstanding he swore he was
excessively angry with his friend for his obstinate
incredulity, very evidently had to exercise some
forbearance to keep from joining in the general
laugh. “It is a very respectable country, I do
protest; and I scarcely remember to have tasted
better gooseberries than they grow in that very
island.”

“What! have they really gardens, Chatterino?”

“Certainly—after a fashion—and houses, and
public conveyances—and even universities.”

“You do not mean to say, certainly, that they
have a system!”

“Why, as to system, I believe they are a little

at sixes and sevens. I really can't take it upon
myself to say that they have a system.”

“Oh, yes, my Lord,—of a certainty we have
one—the Social-stake System.

“Ask the creature,” whispered audibly the filthy
coxcomb Hightail, “if he himself, now, has any
income.”

“How is it, Sir John,—have you an income?”

“Yes, my Lord, of one hundred and twelve
thousand sovereigns a year.”

“Of what?—of what?” demanded two or three
voices, with well-bred, subdued eagerness.

“Of sovereigns—why that means kings!”

It would appear that the Leaphighers, while
they obey only the King's eldest first-cousin of the
masculine gender, perform all their official acts in
the name of the sovereign himself, for whose person
and character they pretty uniformly express the
profoundest veneration; just as we men express
admiration for a virtue that we never practise.
My declaration, therefore, produced a strong sensation,
and I was soon required to explain myself.
This I did, by simply stating the truth.

“Oh, gold, y'clept sovereigns!” exclaimed three
or four, laughing heartily. “Why then, your
famous Great Breeches people, after all, Chatterino,
are so little advanced in civilization, as to use
gold! Harkee, Signior—a—a—Boldercraft, have
you no currency in `promises'?”

“I do not know, sir, that I rightly comprehend
the question.”

“Why, we poor barbarians, sir, who live as
you see us, only in a state of simplicity and nature,”—there
was irony in every syllable the impudent
scoundrel uttered,—“we poor wretches,
or rather our ancestors, made the discovery, that,
for the purposes of convenience, having, as you

perceive, no pockets, it might be well to convert
all our currency into `promises.' Now, I would
ask if you have any of that coin?”

“Not as coin, sir, but as collateral to coin, we
have plenty.”

“He speaks of collaterals in currency, as if he
were discussing a pedigree! Are you really,
Mynherr Shouldercalf, so little advanced in your
country, as not to know the immense advantages
of a currency of `promises'?”

“As I do not understand exactly what the nature
of this currency is, sir, I cannot answer as
readily as I could wish.”

“Let us explain it to him; for, I vow, I am
really curious to hear his answer. Chatterino, do
you, who have some knowledge of the thing's
habits, be our interpreter.”

“The matter is thus, Sir John. About five hundred
years ago, our ancestors having reached that
pass in civilization when they came to dispense
with the use of pockets, began to find it necessary
to substitute a new currency for that of the metals,
which it was inconvenient to carry, of which they
might be robbed, and which also were liable to be
counterfeited. The first expedient was to try a
lighter substitute. Laws were passed giving value
to linen and cotton, in the raw material; then,
compounded and manufactured; next, written on,
and reduced in bulk, until, having passed through
the several gradations of wrapping-paper, brown-paper,
foolscap and blotting-paper, and having set
the plan fairly at work, and got confidence thoroughly
established, the system was perfected by
a coup de main;—`promises' in words, were substituted
for all other coin. You see the advantage
at a glance.—A monikin can travel, without pockets
or baggage, and still carry a million; the money

cannot be counterfeited, nor can it be stolen
or burned.”

“But, my Lord, does it not depreciate the value
of property?”

“Just the contrary:—an acre that formerly
could be bought for one promise, would now bring
a thousand.”

“This certainly is a great improvement, unless
frequent failures—”

“Not at all; there has not been a bankruptcy
in Leaphigh since the law was passed making
promises a legal tender.”

“I wonder no Chancellor of the Exchequer
ever thought of this, at home!”

“So much for your Great Breeches, Chatterino!”
And then there was another and a very general
laugh. I never before felt so deep a sense of
national humility.

“As they have universities,” cried another coxcomb,
“perhaps this person has attended one of
them.”

“Indeed, sir,” I answered, “I am regularly
graduated.”

“It is not easy to see what he has done with
his knowledge,—for, though my sight is none of
the worst, I can not trace the smallest sign of a
cauda about him.”

“Ah!” Lord Chatterino good-naturedly explained,
“the inhabitants of Great Breeches carry their
brains in their heads.”

“Their heads!”

“Heads!”

“That's excellent, by His Majesty's prerogative!
Here's civilization, with a vengeance!”

I now thought that the general ridicule would
overwhelm me. Two or three came closer, as if

in pity or curiosity; and, at last, one cried out
that I actually wore clothes.

“Clothes—the wretch! Chatterino, do all your
human friends wear clothes?”

The young peer was obliged to confess the truth:
and then there arose such a clamor as may be
fancied took place among the peacocks, when they
discovered the daw among them in masquerade.
Human nature could endure no more; and, bowing
to the company, I wished Lord Chatterino,
very hurriedly good morning, and proceeded
towards the tavern.

“Don't forget to step into Chatterino-house,
Goldencalf, before you sail,” cried my late fellow
traveller, looking over his shoulder, and nodding
in quite a friendly way towards me.

“King!” exclaimed Captain Poke. “That blackguard
ate a whole bread-locker-full of nuts, on our
outward passage, and, now, he tells us to step into
his Chatterino-house, before we sail!”

I endeavoured to pacify the sealer, by an appeal
to his philosophy. It was true that men never forgot
obligations, and were always excessively anxious
to reapy them; but the monikins were an exceedingly
instructed species; they thought more
of their minds than of their bodies, as was plain
by comparing the smallness of the latter with the
length and development of the seat of reason;
and one of his experience should know that good-breeding
is decidedly an arbitrary quality, and that
we ought to respect its laws, however opposed to
our own previous practices.

“I dare say, friend Noah, you may have observed
some material difference in the usages of
Paris, for instance, and those of Stunin'tum.”

“That I have, Sir John, that I have; and altogether
to the advantage of Stunin'tun be they.”

“We are all addicted to the weakness of believing
our own customs best; and it requires that
we should travel much, before we are able to decide
on points so nice.”

“And do you not call me a traveller! Haven't I
been sixteen times a sealing, twice a whaling, without
counting my cruise over-land, and this last run
to Leaphigh!”

“Ay, you have gone over much land and much
water, Mr. Poke; but your stay in any given place
has been just long enough to find fault. Usages
must be worn, like a shoe, before one can judge of
the fit.”

It is possible Noah would have retorted, had not
Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, at that moment, come wriggling
by, in a way to show she was much satisfied
with her safe return home. To own the truth,
while striving to find apologies for it, I had been a
little contrarié, as the French term it, by the indifference
of my Lord Chatterino, which, in my secret
heart, I was not slow in attributing to the manner
in which a peer of the realm of Leaphigh regarded,
de haut en bas, a mere Baronet of Great Britain—
or Great Breeches, as the young noble so pertinaciously
insisted on terming our illustrious island.
Now, as Mrs. Vigilance was of “russet-color,” a
caste of an inferior standing, I had little doubt that
she would be as glad to own an intimacy with Sir
John Goldencalf of Householder Hall, as the other
might be willing to shuffle it off.

“Good morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance,” I said
familiarly, endeavoring to wriggle in a way that
would have shaken a tail, had it been my good fortune
to be the owner of one—“Good morrow,
good Mrs. Vigilance—I'm glad to meet you again
on shore.”

I do not remember that Mrs. Vigilance, during

the whole period of our acquaintance, was particularly
squeamish, or topping in her deportment.
On the contrary, she had rather made herself remarkable
for a modest and commendable reserve.
But, on the present occasion, she disappointed all
reasonable expectation, by shrinking on one side,
uttering a slight scream, and hurrying past as if
she thought we might bite her. Indeed, I can only
compare her deportment to that of a female of our
own, who is so full of vanity as to fancy all eyes
on her, and who gives herself airs about a dog or
a spider, because she thinks they make her look so
much the more interesting. Conversation was quite
out of the question; for the duenna hurried on,
bending her head downward, as if heartily ashamed
of an involuntary weakness.

“Well, good madam,” said Noah, whose stern
eye followed her movements until she was quite lost
in the crowd, “you would have had a sleepless
v'yage, if I had fore-imagined this! Sir John,
these people stare at us as if we were wild beasts!”

“I cannot say I am of your way of thinking,
Captain Poke. To me they seem to take no more
notice of us, than we should take of two curs in the
streets of London.”

“I begin, now, to understand what the parsons
mean when they talk of the lost condition of man.
It's ra'ally awful to witness to what a state of unfeelingness
a people can be abandoned! Bob, get
out of the way, you grinning blackguard.”

Hereupon Bob received a salutation which would
have demolished his stern-frame, had it not been
for the union-jack. Just then I was glad to see
Dr. Reasono advancing towards us, surrounded by
a group of attentive listeners, all of whom, by their
years, gravity and deportment, I made no question
were savans. As he drew near, I found he was

discoursing of the marvels of his late voyage.
When within six feet of us the whole party stopped,
the Doctor continuing to descant, with a very
proper gesticulation, and in a way to show that his
subject was of infinite interest to his listeners.
Accidentally turning his eye in our direction, he
caught a glimpse of our figures, and making a few
hurried apologies to those around him, the excellent
philosopher came eagerly forward, with both
hands extended. Here was a difference, indeed,
between his treatment and that of Lord Chatterino
and the duenna! The salutation was warmly
returned; and the Doctor and myself stepped a
little apart, as he lost no time in informing me he
wished to say a word in private.

“My dear Sir John,” the philosopher began,
“our arrival has been the most happily-timed thing
imaginable! All Leaphigh, by this time, is filled
with the subject; and you can scarcely conceive
the importance that is attached to the event. New
sources of trade, scientific discoveries, phenomena
both moral and physical, and results that it is
thought may serve to raise the monikin civilization
still higher than ever. Fortunately, the academy
holds its most solemn meeting of the year this
very day, and I have been formally requested to
give the assembly an outline of those events which
have lately passed before my eyes. The King's
eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender is to
attend openly; and it is even conjectured, in a way
to be quite authentic, that the King himself will be
present in his own royal person.”

“How!” I exclaimed; “have you a mode, in
Leaphigh, of rendering conjectures certain?”

“Beyond a doubt, sir, or what would our civilization
be worth? As to the King's Majesty, we
always deal in the most direct ambiguities. Now,

as respects many of our ceremonies, the sovereign
is known morally to be present, when he may be
actually and physically eating his dinner at the
other extremity of the island; this important illustration
of the royal ubiquity is effected by means of
a legal fiction. On the other hand, the King often
indulges his natural propensities, such as curiosity,
love of fun, or detestation of ennui, by coming
in person, when, by the court-fiction, he is thought
to be seated on his throne, in his own royal palace.
Oh! as to all these little accomplishments and graces
in the art of Truths, we are behind no people in the
universe!”

“I beg pardon, Doctor—so his Majesty is expected
to be at the academy, this morning?”

“In a private box. Now this affair is of the last
importance to me as a savant, to you as a human
being—for it will have a direct tendency to raise
your whole species in the monikin estimation—and,
lastly, to learning. It will be indispensably necessary
that you should attend, with as many of your
companions as possible—more especially the better
specimens. I was coming down to the landing, in
the hope of meeting you; and a messenger has
gone off to the ship to require that the people be
sent ashore forthwith. You will have a tribune to
yourselves; and, really, I do not like to express
beforehand what I think concerning the degree of
attention you will all receive; but this much I think
I can say—you will see.”

“This proposition, Doctor, has taken me a little
by surprise, and I hardly know what answer to
give.”

“You cannot say no, Sir John; for, should his
Majesty hear that you have refused to come to a
meeting at which he is to be present, it would

seriously, and, I might add, justly offend him:—
nor could I answer for the consequences.”

“Why, I was told that all the power was in the
hands of his Majesty's eldest first-cousin of the masculine
gender; in which case I thought I might
snap my fingers at his Majesty himself.”

“Not in opinion, Sir John, which is one of the
three estates of the government. Ours is a government
of three estates—viz. the Law, Opinion, and
Practice. By law the king rules, by practice his
cousin rules, and by opinion the king again rules.
Thus is the strong point of practice balanced by
law and opinion. This it is that constitutes the
harmony and perfection of the system. No, it
would never do to offend his Majesty.”

Although I did not very well comprehend the
Doctor's argument, yet, as I had often found in
human society, theories political, moral, theological,
and philosophical, that everybody had faith in, and
which nobody understood, I thought discussion
useless, and gave up the point by promising the
Doctor to be at the academy in half an hour, which
was the time named for our appearance. Taking
the necessary directions to find the place, we separated;
he to hasten to make his preparations, and I
to reach the tavern, in order to deposit our baggage,
that no decency might be overlooked on an occasion
so solemn.