 | CHAPTER VIII. The monikins |  |
8. CHAPTER VIII.
An introduction to four new characters, some touches of philosophy,
and a few capital thoughts on political economy.
The group which drew my attention was composed
of six individuals, two of which were animals
of the genus homo, or what is vulgarly termed
man; and the remainder were of the order primates,
and of the class mammalia; or what, in common
parlance, are called monkeys.
The first were Savoyards, and may be generally
described as being unwashed, ragged and
carnivorous; in colour, swarthy; in lineaments and
expression, avaricious and shrewd, and in appetites
voracious. The latter were of the common species,
of the usual size, and of approved gravity. There
were two of each sex; being very equally paired
as to years and external advantages.
The monkeys were all habited with more or less
of the ordinary attire of our modern European
civilization; but peculiar care had been taken with
the toilet of the senior of the two males. This
individual had on the coat of a hussar, a cut that
would have given a particular part of his body a
more military contour than comported with his
real character, were it not for a red petticoat, that
was made shorter than common; less, however,
with a view to show a pretty foot and ankle, than
to leave the nether limbs at liberty to go through
with certain extravagant efforts, which the Savoyards
were unmercifully exacting from his natural
agility. He wore a Spanish hat, decorated with
a few bedraggled feathers, a white cockade, and
carried in his hand a small broom.
Observing that my attention was strongly attracted
to this party, the ill-favored Savoyards
immediately commenced a series of experiments
in saltation, with the sole view, beyond a question,
to profit by my curiosity. The inoffensive victims
of this act of brutal tyranny, submitted with a
patience worthy of the profoundest philosophy,
meeting the wishes of their masters with a readiness
and dexterity that was beyond all praise.
One swept the earth, another leaped on the back
of a dog, a third threw himself head-over-heels,
again and again, without a murmur; and the fourth
moved gracefully to and fro, like a young girl in
a quadrille. All this might have passed without
calling for particular remark, (since, alas! the spectacle
is only too common,) were it not for certain
eloquent appeals that were made to me, through
the eyes, by the individual in the hussar jacket.
His look was rarely averted from my face for a
moment, and, in this way, a silent communion
was soon established between us. I observed that
his gravity was indomitable. Nothing could elicit
a smile, or a change of countenance. Obedient
to the whip of his brutal master, he never refused
the required leap; for minutes at a time, his legs
and petticoat described confused circles in the
air, appearing to have taken a final leave of the
earth; but, the effort ended, he invariably descended
to the ground with a quiet dignity and composure,
that showed how little the inward monkey
partook of the antics of the outward animal. Drawing
my companion a little aside, I ventured to
suggest a few thoughts to him on the subject.
“Really, Captain Poke, it appears to me there is
great injustice in the treatment of these poor creatures!”
blackguards to seize upon beings much
more interesting to the eye, and, I dare say, far
more intellectual, than themselves, and cause them
to throw their legs about in this extravagant manner,
under the penalty of stripes, and without
regard to their feelings, or to their convenience?—
I say, sir, the measure appears to me to be intolerably
oppressive, and it calls for prompt redress.”
“King!”
“King or subject, it does not alter the moral
deformity of the act. What have these innocent
beings done, that they should be subjected to this
disgrace? Are they not flesh and blood, like ourselves—do
they not approach nearer to our form,
and, for aught we know to the contrary, to our
reason, than any other animal? and is it tolerable
that our nearest imitations, our very cousins,
should be thus dealt by? Are they dogs, that they
are treated like dogs?”
“Why, to my notion, Sir John, there isn't a dog
on 'arth that can take such a summerset. Their
flapjacks are quite extraor'nary!”
“Yes, sir, and more than extraordinary; they
are oppressive. Place yourself, Mr. Poke, for a
single instant, in the situation of one of these
persons; fancy that you had a hussar jacket
squeezed upon your brawny shoulders, a petticoat
placed over your lower extremities, a Spanish hat
with bedraggled feathers set upon your head, a
wooden sword stuck at your side, and a broom
put into your hand; and that these two Savoyards
were to menace you with stripes unless you consented
to throw summersets for the amusement of
strangers—I only ask you to make the case your
own, sir, and then say what course you would
take, and what you would do?”
“I would lick both of these young blackguards,
Sir John, without remorse, break the sword and
the broom over their heads, kick their sensibilities
till they couldn't see, and take my course for
Stunin'tun, where I belong.”
“Yes, sir, this might do with the Savoyards,
who are young and feeble”—
“'T wouldn't alter the case much, if two of
these Frenchmen were in their places”—put in
the Captain, glaring wolfishly about him. “To be
plain with you, Sir John Goldencalf, being human,
I'd submit to no such monkey tricks.”
“Do not use the term reproachfully, Mr. Poke,
I entreat of you. We call these animals monkeys,
it is true; but we do not know what they call
themselves. Man is merely an animal, and you
must very well know”—
“Harkee, Sir John”—interrupted the Captain,
“I'm no botanist, and do not pretend to more
schooling than a sealer has need of, for finding his
way about the 'arth; but, as for a man's being an
animal, I just wish to ask you, now, if, in your
judgment, a hog is also an animal?”
“Beyond a doubt—and fleas, and toads, and
sea-serpents, and lizards, and water-devils—we are
all, neither more nor less than animals.”
“Well, if a hog is an animal, I am willing to
allow the relationship; for, in the course of my
experunce, which is not small, I have met with
men that you might have mistaken for hogs, in
every thing but the bristles, the snout, and the tail.
I'll never deny what I've seen with my own eyes,
though I suffer for it; and therefore I admit that
hogs being animals, it is more than likely that
some men must be animals too.”
“We call these interesting beings monkeys; but
how do we know that they do not return the compliment,
something quite as offensive. It would become
our species to manifest a more equitable and philosophical
spirit, and to consider these interesting
strangers as an unfortunate family which has fallen
into the hands of brutes, and which is, in every
way, entitled to our commiseration and our active
interference. Hitherto, I have never sufficiently
stimulated my sympathies for the animal world,
by any investment in quadrupeds; but it is my
intention to write to-morrow to my English agent
to purchase a pack of hounds and a suitable stud
of horses; and by way of quickening so laudable
a resolution, I shall forthwith make propositions to
the Savoyards for the speedy emancipation of this
family of amiable foreigners. The slave trade is
an innocent pastime, compared to the cruel oppression
that the gentleman in the Spanish hat, in particular,
is compelled to endure.”
“King!”
“He may be a king, sure enough, in his own
country, Captain Poke;—a fact that would add tenfold
agony to his unmerited sufferings.”
Hereupon, I proceeded, without more ado, to
open a negotiation with the Savoyards. The judicious
application of a few Napoleons soon brought
about a happy understanding between the contracting
parties, when the Savoyards transferred to my
hands the strings which confined their vassals, as
the formal and usual acknowledgment of the right
of ownership. Committing the three others to the
keeping of Mr. Poke, I led the individual in the
hussar-jacket a little on one side, and, raising my
hat, to show that I was superior to the vulgar feeling
of feudal superiority, I addressed him, briefly,
in the following words:—
“Although I have ostensibly bought the right
persons and services, I seize an early occasion to
inform you that, virtually, you are now free. As
we are among a people accustomed to see your
race in subjection, however, it may not be prudent
to proclaim the nature of the present transaction,
lest there might be some further conspiracies
against your natural rights. We will retire to my
hotel, forthwith, therefore, where your future happiness
shall be the subject of our more mature and
of our united deliberations.”
The respectable stranger in the hussar-jacket
heard me with inimitable gravity and self-command.
until, in the warmth of feeling, I raised an arm in
earnest gesticulation, when, most probably overcome
by the emotions of delight that were naturally
awakened in his bosom by this sudden change
of fortune, he threw three summersets, or flapjacks,
as Captain Poke had quaintly designated his evolutions,
in so rapid succession, as to render it, for a moment,
a matter of doubt whether nature had placed
his head or his heels uppermost.
Making a sign for Captain Poke to follow, I now
took my way directly to the rue de Rivoli. We
were attended by a constantly increasing crowd,
until the gate of the hotel was fairly entered; and
glad was I to see my charge safely housed, for
there were abundant indications of another design
upon their rights, in the taunts and ridicule of the
living mass that rolled up, as it were, upon our
heels. On reaching my own apartment, a courier,
who had been waiting my return, and who had
just arrived express from England, put a packet
into my hands, stating that it came from my principal
English agent. Hasty orders were given to
attend to the comfort and wants of Captain Poke
and the strangers, (orders that were in no danger
the reputed annual revenue of three millions of
francs, had unlimited credit with all the inhabitants
of the hotel,) and I hurried into my cabinet, and sat
down to the eager perusal of the different communications.
Alas! there was not a line from Anna! The obdurate
girl still trifled with my misery; and, in revenge,
I entertained a momentary resolution of
adopting the notions of Mahmoud, in order to
qualify myself to set up a harem.
The letters were from a variety of correspondents,
embracing many of those who were entrusted
with the care of my interests in very opposite
quarters of the world. Half an hour before, I had
been dying to open more intimate relations with
the interesting strangers; but my thoughts instantly
took a new direction, and I soon found that the
painful sentiments I had entertained touching their
welfare and happiness, were quite lost in the newly
awakened interests that lay before me. It is in
this simple manner, no doubt, that the system to
which I am a convert effects no small part of its
own great purposes. No sooner does any one interest
grow painful by excess, than a new claim
arises to divert the thoughts, a new demand is
made on the sensibilities; and, by lowering our affections
from the intensity of selfishness, to the
more bland and equable feeling of impartiality,
forms that just and generous condition of the mind
at which the political economists aim, when they
dilate on the glories and advantages of their favorite
theory of the social stake.
In this happy frame of mind, I fell to reading
the letters with avidity, and with the god-like determination
to reverence Providence and to do
justice.—Fiat justitia ruat cælum!
The first epistle was from the agent of the principal
West-India estate. He acquainted me with
the fact that all hopes from the expected crop were
destroyed by a hurricane, and he begged that I
would furnish the means necessary to carry on the
affairs of the plantation, until another season might
repair the loss. Priding myself on punctuality as
a man of business, before I broke another seal, a
letter was written to a banker in London, requesting
him to supply the necessary credits, and to notify
the agent in the West-Indies of the circumstance.
As he was a member of parliament, I
seized the occasion, also, to press upon him the
necessity of government's introducing some early
measure for the protection of the sugar-growers, a
most meritorious class of his fellow-subjects, and
one whose exposures and actual losses called loudly
for relief of this nature. As I closed the letter,
I could not help dwelling, with complacency, on
the zeal and promptitude with which I had acted—
the certain proof of the usefulness of the theory of
investments.
The second communication was from the manager
of an East-India property, that very happily
came with its offering to fill the vacuum left by the
failure of the crops just mentioned. Sugar was
likely to be a drug in the peninsula, and my correspondent
stated that the cost of transportation
being so much greater than from the other colonies,
this advantage would be entirely lost, unless government
did something to restore the East-Indian
to his natural equality. I enclosed this letter in one
to my Lord Say and Do, who was in the ministry,
asking of him, in the most laconic and pointed terms,
whether it were possible for the empire to prosper,
when one portion of it was left in possession of
exclusive advantages, to the prejudice of all the
spirit, I hope it had some tendency to open the
eyes of his Majesty's ministers; for much was
shortly after said, both in the journals and in Parliament,
on the necessity of protecting our East-Indian
fellow-subjects, and of doing natural justice
by establishing the national prosperity on the only
firm basis, that of Free Trade.
The next letter was from the acting partner of
a large manufacturing house, to which I had advanced
quite half the capital, in order to enter into
a sympathetic communion with the cotton-spinners.
The writer complained heavily of the import duty
on the raw article; made some poignant allusions
to the increasing competition on the continent and
in America; and pretty clearly intimated that the
Lord of the manor of Householder ought to make
himself felt by the administration, in a question of
so much magnitude to the nation. On this hint I
spake. I sat down, on the spot, and wrote a long
letter to my friend, Lord Pledge, in which I pointed
out to him the danger that threatened our political
economy; that we were imitating the false theories
of the Americans, (the countrymen of Captain
Poke); that trade was clearly never so prosperous
as when it was the most successful; that success
depended on effort, and effort was the most efficient
when the least encumbered; and, in short, that, as
it was self-evident a man would jump farther without
being in foot-irons, or strike harder without being
handcuffed, so it was equally apparent, that a
merchant would make a better bargain for himself,
when he could have things all his own way, than
when his enterprise and industry were shackled
by the impertinent and selfish interposition of the
interests of others. In conclusion, there was an
eloquent description of the demoralizing consequences
tendencies of taxation in general. I have written
and said some good things in my time, as several
of my dependants have sworn to me, in a way that
even my natural modesty cannot repudiate; but I
shall be excused for the weakness, if I now add,
that I believe this letter to Lord Pledge contained
some as clever points, as any thing I remember,
in their way; the last paragraph, in particular,
being positively the neatest and the best turned
moral I ever produced.
Letter fourth was from the steward of the Householder
estate. He spoke of the difficulty of getting
the rents; a difficulty that he imputed altogether to
the low price of corn. He said that it would soon
be necessary to re-let certain farms; and he feared
that the unthinking cry against the corn-laws would
affect the conditions. It was incumbent on the landed
interest to keep an eye on the popular tendencies,
as respected this subject; for any material variation
from the present system would lower the rental of
all the grain-growing counties in England, thirty
per cent., at least, at a blow. He concluded with
a very hard rap at the Agrarians, a party that was
just coming a little into notice in Great Britain,
and, by a very ingenious turn, in which he completely
demonstrated that the protection of the
landlord and the support of the Protestant religion
were indissolubly connected. There was also a
vigorous appeal to the common sense of the subject,
on the danger to be apprehended by the people
from themselves; which he treated in a way that,
a little more expanded, would have made a delightful
homily on the rights of man.
I believe I meditated on the contents of this letter
fully an hour. Its writer, John Dobbs, was as worthy
and upright a fellow as ever breathed; and I could
which shone through every line he had indite.
Something must be done, it was clear; and, at
length, I determined to take the bull by the horns,
and to address Mr. Huskisson at once, as the
shortest way of coming at the evil. He was the
political sponsor for all the new notions on the
subject of our foreign mercantile policy; and, by
laying before him, in a strong point of view, the
fatal consequences of carrying his system to extremes,
I hoped something might yet be done for
the owners of real estate, the bones and sinews of
the land.
I shall just add, in this place, that Mr. Huskisson
sent me a very polite and a very statesman-like
reply, in which he disclaimed any intention of meddling
improperly with British interests, in any way;
that taxation was necessary to our system, and of
course every nation was the best judge of its own
means and resources; but that he merely aimed at
the establishment of just and generous principles,
by which nations that had no occasion for British
measures should not unhandsomely resort to them;
and that certain eternal truths should stand, like so
many well-constructed tubs, each on its own bottom.
I must say I was pleased with this attention
from a man generally reputed as clever as Mr.
Huskisson, and from that time I became a convert
to most of his opinions.
The next communication that I opened, was
from the overseer of the estate in Louisiana, who
informed me that the general aspect of things in
that quarter of the world was favorable, but the
small-pox had found its way among the negroes,
and the business of the plantation would immediately
require the services of fifteen able-bodied
men, with the usual sprinkling of women and children.
the further importation of blacks from any
country without the limits of the Union, but that
there was a very pretty and profitable internal
trade in the article; and that the supply might be
obtained, in sufficient season, either from the Carolinas,
Virginia, or Maryland. He admitted, however,
that there was some choice between the
different stocks of these several states, and that some
discretion might be necessary in making the selection.
The negro of the Carolinas was the most
used to the cotton-field, had less occasion for
clothes, and it had been proved by experiment,
could be fattened on red herrings; while, on the
other hand, the negro farther north had the highest
instinct, could sometimes reason, and that he had
even been known to preach, when he had got
as high up as Philadelphia. He much affected,
also, bacon and poultry. Perhaps it might be well
to purchase samples of lots from all the different
stocks in market.
In reply, I assented to the latter idea, suggesting
the expediency of getting one or two of the higher
castes from the north; I had no objection to
preaching, provided they preached work; but I
cautioned the overseer particularly against schismatics.
Preaching, in the abstract, could do no
harm; all depending on doctrine.
This advice was given as the result of much
earnest observation. Those European states that
had the most obstinately resisted the introduction
of letters, I had recently had occasion to remark,
were changing their systems, and were about to
act on the principle of causing “fire to fight fire.”
They were fast having recourse to school-books,
using no other precaution than the simple expedient
of writing them themselves. By this ingenious
truths of all classes were at once put above the
dangers of disputations and heresies.
Having disposed of the Louisianian, I very
gladly turned to the opening of the sixth seal. The
letter was from the efficient trustee of a company
to whose funds I had largely contributed, by way
of making an investment in charity. It had struck
me, a short time previously to quitting home, that
interests positive as most of those I had embarked
in, had a tendency to render the spirit worldly; and
I saw no other check to such an evil, than by seeking
for some association with the saints, in order to
set up a balance against the dangerous propensity.
A lucky occasion offered through the wants of the
Philo-african-anti-compulsion-free-labour Society,
whose meritorious efforts were about to cease for
want of the great charity-power—gold. A draft
for five thousand pounds had obtained me the honor
of being advertised as a shareholder and a patron;
and, I know not why!—but it certainly caused me
to inquire into the results with far more interest than
I had ever before felt in any similar institution.
Perhaps this benevolent anxiety arose from that
principle in our nature, which induces us to look
after whatever has been our own, as long as any
part of it can be seen.
The principal trustee of the Philo-african-anti-compulsion-free-labour
Society now wrote to state
that some of the speculations which had gone pari
passu with the charity, had been successful, and
that the shareholders were, by the fundamental
provisions of the association, entitled to a dividend,
but—how often that awkward word stands between
the cup and the lip!—but, that he was of opinion the
establishment of a new factory, near a point where
the slavers most resorted, and where gold-dust and
and consequently at the lowest prices, would
equally benefit trade and philanthropy; that, by a
judicious application of our means, these two interests
might be made to see-saw very cleverly, as
cause and effect, effect and cause; that the black
man would be spared an incalculable amount of
misery, the white man a grievous burthen of sin,
and the particular agents of so manifest a good
might quite reasonably calculate on making, at the
very least, forty per cent. per annum on their
money, besides having all their souls saved, in the
bargain. Of course I assented to a proposition so
reasonable in itself, and which offered benefits so
plausible!
The next epistle was from the head of a great
commercial house in Spain, in which I had taken
some shares, and whose interests had been temporarily
deranged by the throes of the people in their
efforts to obtain redress for real or imaginary
wrongs. My correspondent showed a proper indignation
on the occasion, and was not sparing in his
language whenever he was called to speak of
popular tumults. “What do the wretches wish!”
he asked, with much point—“Our lives, as well as
our property? Ah! my dear sir, this bitter fact
impresses us all (by us, he meant the mercantile
interests) with the importance of strong executives.
Where should we have been, but for the bayonets
of the king? or what would have become of our
altars, our firesides and our persons, had it not
pleased God to grant us a monarch indomitable in
will, brave in spirit, and quick in action?” I wrote
a proper answer of congratulation, and turned to
the next epistle, which was the last of the communications.
The eighth letter was from the acting head of
States of America, or the country of Captain Poke,
where it would seem the President, by a decided
exercise of his authority, had drawn upon himself
the execrations of a large portion of the
commercial interests of the country; since the
effect of the measure, right or wrong, as a legitimate
consequence or not, by hook or by crook, had
been to render money scarce. There is no man so
keen in his philippics, so acute in discovering and
so prompt in analyzing facts, so animated in his philosophy,
and so eloquent in his complaints, as your
debtor, when money unexpectedly gets to be scarce!
Credit, comfort, bones, sinews, marrow and all, appear
to depend on the result; and it is no wonder
that, under so lively impressions, men who have
hitherto been content to jog on in the regular and
quiet habits of barter, should suddenly start up into
logicians, politicians, ay, or even into magicians. Such
had been the case with my present correspondent,
who seemed to know and to care as little in general
of the polity of his own country as if he had
never been in it, but who now was ready to split
hairs with a metaphysician, and who could not
have written more complacently of the constitution
if he had even read it. My limits will not allow
an insertion of the whole letter, but one or two of
its sentences shall be given. “Is it tolerable, my
dear sir,” he went on to say, “that the executive
of any country, I will not say merely of our own,
should possess, or exercise, even admitting that he
does possess them, such unheard of powers? Our
condition is worse than that of the Mussulmans,
who, in losing their money, usually lose their heads,
and are left in a happy insensibility to their sufferings:
but, alas! there is an end of the much boasted
liberty of America! The executive has swallowed
the next thing will be to swallow up us. Our altars,
our firesides, and our persons will shortly be invaded;
and I much fear that my next letter will be
received by you, long after all correspondence shall
be prohibited, every means of communication cut
off, and we ourselves shall be precluded from writing,
by being chained, like beasts of burthen, to the
car of a bloody tyrant.” Then followed as pretty
a string of epithets as I remember to have heard
from the mouth of the veriest shrew at Billingsgate.
I could not but admire the virtue of the “social-stake
system,” which kept men so sensibly alive
to all their rights, let them live where they would,
or under what form of government, which was so
admirably suited to sustain truth and render us just.
In reply, I sent back epithet for epithet, echoed all
the groans of my correspondent, and railed as became
a man who was connected with a losing
concern.
This closed my correspondence for the present,
and I arose wearied with my labors, and yet greatly
rejoicing in their fruits. It was now late, but
excitement prevented sleep; and before retiring for
the night, I could not help looking in upon my guests.
Captain Poke had gone to a room in another part
of the hotel, but the family of amiable strangers
were fast asleep in the ante-chamber. They had
supped heartily, as I was assured, and were now
indulging in a happy but temporary oblivion—to
use an approved expression—of all their wrongs.
Satisfied with this state of things, I now sought my
own pillow, or, according to a favorite phrase of
Mr. Noah Poke, I also “turned in.”
| CHAPTER VIII. The monikins | |