 | CHAPTER XIII. The monikins |  |
13. CHAPTER XIII.
A chapter of preparations—Discrimination in character—A
tight fit, and other conveniences, with some judgment.
I shall pass lightly over the events of the succeeding
month. During this time, the whole party
was transferred to England, a proper ship had been
bought and equipped, the family of strangers were
put in quiet possession of their cabins, and I had
made all my arrangements for being absent from
England for the next two years. The vessel was
a stout-built, comfortable ship of about three hundred
tons burthen, and had been properly constructed
to encounter the dangers of the ice. Her
accommodations were suitably arranged to meet
all the exigencies of both monikin and human wants,
the apartments of the ladies being very properly
separated from those of the gentlemen, and otherwise
rendered decorous and commodious. The
Lady Chatterissa very pleasantly called their private
room the gynecée, which, as I afterwards ascertained,
obtained from the Greek, the monikins being quite
as much addicted as we are ourselves, to showing
their acquirements by the introduction of words
from foreign tongues.
Noah showed great care in the selection of the
ship's company, the service being known to be
arduous, and the duties of a very responsible character.
For this purpose, he made a journey expressly
to Liverpool, (the ship lying in the Greenland
Dock at London,) where he was fortunate enough
to engage five Yankees, as many Englishmen, two
Norwegians and a Swede, all of whom had been
accustomed to cruising as near the poles as ordinary
men ever succeed in reaching. He was also
well suited in his cook and mates; but I observed
that he had great difficulty in finding a cabin-boy
to his mind. More than twenty applicants were
rejected, some for the want of one qualification, and
some for the want of another. As I was present
at several examinations of different candidates for
the office, I got a little insight into his manner of
ascertaining their respective merits.
The invariable practice was, first, to place a bottle
of rum, and a pitcher of water, before the lad,
and to order him to try his hand at mixing a glass
of grog. Four applicants were incontinently rejected
for manifesting a natural inaptitude at hitting the
juste milieu, in this important part of the duty of a
cabin-boy. Most of the candidates, however, were
reasonably expert in the art; and the captain soon
came to the next requisite, which was, to say “Sir,”
in a tone, as Noah expressed it, somewhere between
the snap of a steel-trap and the mendicant
whine of a beggar. Fourteen were rejected for
deficiencies on this score, the captain remarking
that most of them “were the sa'ciest blackguards”
he had ever fallen in with. When he had, at
grog, and answer “Sir,” to his liking, he proceeded
to make experiments on their abilities in carrying
a soup-tureen over a slushed plank; in wiping plates
without a napkin, and without using their shirt-sleeves;
in snuffing candles with their fingers; in
making a soft bed with few materials besides
boards; in mixing the various compounds of burgoo,
lob-skous, and dough, (which he affectedly pronounced
duff); in fattening pigs on beef-bones, and
ducks on the sweepings of the deck; in looking at
molasses without licking his lips; and in various other
similar accomplishments, which he maintained were
as familiar to the children of Stunin'tun, as their
singing-books and the ten commandments. The
nineteenth candidate to my uninstructed eyes seemed
perfect; but Noah rejected him for the want of a
quality that he declared was indispensable to the
quiet of the ship. It appeared he was too bony
about an essential part of his anatomy, a peculiarity
that was very dangerous to a captain, as he himself
was once so unfortunate as to put his great toe
out of joint, by kicking one of these ill-formed
youngsters with unpremeditated violence; a thing
that was very apt to happen to a man in a hurry.
Luckily, number twenty passed, and was immediately
promoted to the vacant birth. The very
next day the ship put to sea, in good condition, and
with every prospect of a fortunate voyage.
I will here state that a general election occurred
the week before we sailed; and I ran down to
Householder and got myself returned, in order to
protect the interests of those who had a natural
right to look up to me for that small favor.
We discharged the pilot when we had the Scilly
Islands over the taffrail, and Mr. Poke took command
of the vessel, in good earnest. Coming down
about in the cabin, examine the lockers, and make
his foot acquainted with the anatomy of poor Bob,
as the cabin-boy was called; who, judging from the
amount of the captain's practice, was admirably
well suited for his station, in the great requisite of
a kickee. But, the last hold of the land loosened
by the departure of the pilot, our navigator came
forth in his true colours, and showed the stuff of
which he was really made. The first thing he did
was to cause a pull to be made on every halyard,
bowline and brace in the ship; he then rattled off
both mates, in order to show them (as he afterwards
told me in confidence) that he was captain of his
own vessel; gave the people to understand he did
not like to speak twice on the same subject and on
the same occasion, which he said was a privilege
he very willingly left to congress-men and women;
and then he appeared satisfied with himself and all
around him.
A week after we had taken our departure, I
ventured to ask Captain Poke if it might not be well
enough to take an observation, and to resort to
some means in order to know where the ship was.
Noah treated this idea with great disrespect. He
could see no use in wearing out quadrants without
any necessity for it. Our course was south, we
knew, for we were bound to the south pole; all we
had to do was to keep America on the starboard,
and Africa on the larboard, hand. To be sure, there
was something to be said about the trades, and a
little allowance to be made for currents, now and
then; but he and the ship would get to be better
acquainted before a great while, and then all would
go on like clockwork. A few days after this conversation,
I was on deck just as day dawned, and to
my surprise Noah, who was in his birth, called out
exactly how the land bore. No one had yet seen
any land; but at this summons we began to look
about us, and sure enough there was an island
dimly visible in the eastern board! Its position by
compass was immediately communicated to the
captain, who seemed well satisfied with the result.
Renewing his admonition to the officer of the deck
to take care and keep Africa on the larboard hand,
he turned over in his bed to resume his nap.
I afterwards understood from the mates, that we
had made a very capital fall upon the trades, and
that we were getting on wonderfully well, though
it was quite as great a mystery to them as it was
to me, how the captain could know where the ship
was; for he had not touched his quadrant, except
to wipe it with a silk handkerchief, since we left
England. About a fortnight after we had passed
the Cape de Verds, Noah came on deck in a great
rage, and began to storm at the mate and the man
at the wheel for not keeping the ship her course.
To this the former answered with spirit, that the
only order he had received in a fortnight, was “to
keep her jogging south, allowing for variation,” and
that she was heading at that moment according to
orders. Hereupon Noah gave Bob, who happened
to pass him just then, a smart application à posteriori,
and swore “that the compass was as big a fool
as the mate; that the ship was two points off her
course; that south was hereaway, and not there-away;
that he knew by the feel of the wind that it
had no northin' in it, and we had got it away on
the quarter, whereas it ought to be for'ard of the
beam; that we were running for Rio instead of
Leaphigh, and that if we ever expected to get to
the latter country, we must haul up on a good taut
bowline.” The mate, to my surprise, suddenly acquiesced,
wind. He afterwards told me, in a half whisper,
that the second mate having been sharpening some
harpoons, had unwittingly left them much too close
to the binnacle; and that, in fact, the magnet had
been attracted by them, so as to deceive the man
at the wheel and himself, fully twenty degrees as to
the real points of the compass. I must say this
little occurrence greatly encouraged me, leaving
no doubt about our eventual and safe arrival as
far, at least, as the boundary of ice which separates
the human from the monikin region. Profiting by
this feeling of security, I now began to revive the
intercourse with the strangers, which had been partially
interrupted by the novel and disagreeable
circumstances of a sea life.
The Lady Chatterissa and her companion, as is
much the case with females at sea, rarely left the
gynecée; but, as we drew near the equator, the philosopher
and the young peer passed most of their
time on deck, or aloft. Dr. Reasono and I spent
half of the mild nights in discussing subjects connected
with my future travels; and, as soon as we
were well clear of the rain and the thunder and
lightning of the calm latitudes, Captain Poke,
Robert, and myself, began to study the language of
Leaphigh. The cabin-boy was included in this
arrangement, Noah intimating we should find it
convenient to take him on shore with us, since a
wish to conceal my destination had induced me to
bring no servant along. Luckily for us, the monikin
ingenuity had greatly diminished the labor of
the acquisition. The whole language was spoken
and written on a system of decimals, which rendered
it particularly easy, after the elementary principles
were once acquired. Thus, unlike most human
tongues, in which the rule usually forms the exception,
under the penalty of the pillory. This provision,
the captain protested, was the best rule of them all,
and saved a vast deal of trouble; for, as he knew
by experience, a man might be a perfect adept in
the language of Stunin'tun, and then be laughed at
in New-York for his pains. The comprehensiveness
of the tongue was also another great advantage;
though, like all other eminent advantages or
excessive good, it was the next-door neighbor to as
great an evil. Thus, as my Lord Chatterino obligingly
explained, “we-witch-it-me-cum,” means
“Madam, I love you from the crown of my head
to the tip of my tail; and as I love no other half as
well, it would make me the happiest monikin on
earth, if you would consent to become my wife,
that we might be models of domestic propriety
before all eyes, from this time henceforth and for
ever.” In short, it was the usual and the most solemn
expression for asking in marriage; and, by the laws
of the land, was binding on the proposer until as
formally declined by the other party. But, unluckily,
the word “we-switch-it-me-cum,” means “Madam,
I love you from the crown of my head to the
tip of my tail; and, if I did not love another better,
it would make me the happiest monikin on earth,
if you would consent to become my wife, that we
might be models of domestic propriety before all
eyes, from this time henceforth and for ever.”
Now this distinction, subtle and insignificant as it
was to the eye and the ear, caused a vast deal of
heart-burning and disappointment among the young
people of Leaphigh. Several serious lawsuits had
grown out of this cause, and two great political
parties had taken root in the unfortunate mistake
of a young monikin of quality, who happened to
lisp, and who used the fatal word indiscreetly-That
having lasted only a century; but it would be wise,
as we were all three bachelors, to take note of the
distinction. Captain Poke said he thought, on the
whole, he was sufficiently safe, as he was much
accustomed to the use of the word “switchel;” but
he thought it might be very well to go before some
consul, as soon as the ship anchored, and enter a
formal protest of our ignorance of all these niceties,
lest some advantage should be taken of us by the
reptiles of lawyers; that he in particular was not a
bachelor, and that Miss Poke would be as furious
as a hurricane, if, by an accident, he should happen
to forget himself. The matter was deferred for
future deliberation.
About this time, too, I had some more interesting
communications with Dr. Reasono, on the subject
of the private histories of all the party of which he
was the principal member. It would seem that the
philosopher, though rich in learning, and the proprietor
of one of the best developed caudœ in the
entire monikin world, was poor in the more vulgar
attributes of monikin wealth. While he bestowed
freely, therefore, from the stores of his philosophy,
and through the medium of the academy of Leap-high,
on all his fellows, he was obliged to seek an
especial recipient for his surplus knowledge, in the
shape of a pupil, in order to provide for the small
remains of the animal that still lingered in his habits.
Lord Chatterino, the orphan heritor of one of the
noblest and wealthiest, as well as one of the most
ancient houses of Leaphigh, had been put under his
instruction at a very tender age, as had my Lady
Chatterissa under that of Mrs. Lynx, with very
much the same objects. This young and accomplished
pair had early distinguished each other, in
monikin society, for their unusual graces of person,
general attainments, mutual amiableness of disposition,
Every thing was propitious to the gentle
flame which was kindled in the vestal bosom of
Chatterissa, and which was met by a passion so
ardent, and so respectful, as that which glowed in
the heart of young No. 8 purple. The friends of the
respective parties, so soon as the budding sympathy
between them was observed, in order to prevent
the blight of wishes so appropriate, had called in
the aid of the matrimonial surveyor-general of
Leaphigh, an officer especially appointed by the
king in council, whose duty it is to take cognizance
of the proprieties of all engagements that are likely
to assume a character as grave and durable as that
of marriage. Dr. Reasono showed me the certificate
issued from the Marriage Department on this
occasion, and which, in all his wanderings, he had
contrived to conceal within the lining of the Spanish
hat the Savoyards had compelled him to wear,
and which he still preserved as a document that
was absolutely indispensable on his return to Leap-high;
else he would never be permitted to travel a
foot in company with two young people of birth
and of good estates, who were of the different sexes.
I translate the certificate, as literally as the poverty
of the English language will allow.
Extract from the Book of Fitness, Marriage Department,
Leaphigh, season of nuts, day of
brightness.
Vol. 7243, p. 82.
Lord Chatterino: Domains; 126,952¾ acres of
land; meadow, arable and wood in just proportions.
Lady Chatterissa: Domains; 115,999½ acres of
land; mostly arable.
Decree, as of record; it is found that the lands
they want in quantity.
Lord Chatterino: Birth; sixteen descents pure;
one bastardy—four descents pure—a suspicion—
one descent pure—a certainty.
Lady Chatterissa: Birth; six descents pure—
three bastardies—eleven descents pure—a certainty—a
suspicion—unknown.
Decree as of record; it is found that the advantage
is on the side of my Lord Chatterino, but the
excellence of the estate on the other side is believed
to equalize the parties.
(Signed) No. 6 ermine. A true copy,
(Counter signed) No. 1,000,003 ink-color.
Ordered, that the parties make the Journey of
Trial together, under the charge of Socrates Reasono,
Professor of Probabilities in the University
of Leaphigh, L. L. D., F. U. D. G. E., and of Mrs.
Vigilance Lynx, licensed duenna.
The Journey of Trial is so peculiar to the monikin
system, and it might be so usefully introduced
into our own, that it may be well to explain it.
Whenever it is found that a young couple are
agreeable (to use a peculiarly anglicized anglicism),
in all the more essential requisites of matrimony,
they are sent on the journey in question,
under the care of prudent and experienced mentors,
with a view to ascertain how far they may be able to
support, in each other's society, the ordinary vicissitudes
of life. In the case of candidates of the more vulgar
classes, there are official overseers, who usually
drag them through a few mud-puddles, and then
set them to work at some hard labor that is especially
profitable to the public functionaries, who
commonly get the greater part of their own year's
work done in this manner. But, as the moral provisions
own 126,952¾ acres of land, divided into meadow,
arable and wood, in just proportions, than for those
whose virtues are more likely to yield to the fiery
ordeal of temptation, the rich and noble, after
making a proper and useful manifestation of their
compliance with the usage, ordinarily retire to
their country-seats, where they pass the period of
probation as agreeably as they can; taking care
to cause to be inserted in the Leaphigh gazette,
however, occasional extracts from their letters,
describing the pains and hardships they are compelled
to endure, for the consolation and edification
of those who have neither birth nor country-houses.
In a good many instances the journey is actually
performed by proxy. But the case of my Lord
Chatterino and my Lady Chatterissa formed an
exception even to these exceptions. It was thought
by the authorities, that the attachment of a pair so
illustrious offered a good occasion to distinguish the
Leaphigh impartiality; and, on the well-known
principle which induces us sometimes to hang an
Earl in England, the young couple was commanded
actually to go forth with all useful éclat, (secret
orders being given to their guardians to allow
every possible indulgence, at the same time,) in
order that the lieges might see and exult in the
sternness and integrity of their rulers.
Dr. Reasono had accordingly taken his departure
from the capital for the mountains, where he
instructed his wards in a practical commentary on
the ups and downs of life, by exposing them on the
verges of precipices and in the delights of the most
fertile valleys, (which, as he justly observed, was
the greater danger of the two,) leading them over
flinty paths, hungry and cold, in order to try their
tempers; and setting up establishments with the
the depth of Chatterissa's philosophy; with a variety
of similar ingenious devices, that will readily
suggest themselves to all who have any matrimonial
experience, whether they live in palaces or
cottages. When this part of the trial was successfully
terminated, (the result having shown that the
gentle Chatterissa was of proof, so far as mere temper
was concerned,) the whole party was ordered
off to the barrier of ice, which divides the monikin
from the human region, with a view to ascertain
whether the warmth of their attachment was of a
nature likely to resist the freezing collisions of the
world. Here, unfortunately, (for the truth must be
said,) an unlucky desire of Dr. Reasono, who was
already F.U.D.G.E., but who had a devouring
ambition to become also M.O.R.E., led him into the
extreme imprudence of pushing through an opening,
where he had formerly discovered an island, on an
ancient expedition of the same sort; and on which
island he thought he saw a rock, that formed a
stratum of what he believed to be a portion of the
43,000 square miles, that were discomposed by
the great eruption of the earth's boiler. The philosopher
foresaw a thousand interesting results that
were dependent on the ascertaining of this important
fact; for all the learning of Leaphigh having
been exhausted, some five hundred years before, in
establishing the greatest distance to which any fragment
had been thrown on that memorable occasion,
great attention had latterly been given to the discovery
of the least distance any fragment had been
hurled. Perhaps I ought to speak tenderly of the consequences
of a learned zeal, but it was entirely owing
to this indiscretion that the whole party fell into the
hands of certain mariners who were sealing on the
northern shores of this very island, (friends and
Poke,) who remorselessly seized upon the travellers,
and sold them to a homeward-bound Indiaman,
which they afterwards fell in with, near the island
of St. Helena—St. Helena! the tomb of him who is
a model to all posterity, for the moderation of his
desires, the simplicity of his character, a deep veneration
for truth, profound reverence for justice,
unwavering faith, and a clear appreciation of all
the nobler virtues!
We came in sight of the island in question, just
as Dr. Reasono concluded his interesting narrative;
and, turning to Captain Poke, I solemnly asked
that discerning and shrewd seaman,—
“If he did not think the future would fully
avenge itself of the past—if history would not do
ample justice to the mighty dead—if certain names
would not be consigned to everlasting infamy for
chaining a hero to a rock; and whether his country,
the land of freemen, would ever have disgraced
itself, by such an act of barbarism and vengeance?”
The Captain heard me very calmly; then deliberately
helping himself to some tobacco, he
replied:—
“Harkee, Sir John. At Stunin'tun, when we
catch a ferocious crittur', we always put it in a cage.
I'm no great mathematician, as I've often told you;
but if my dog bites me once, I kick him—twice, I
beat him—thrice, I chain him.”
Alas!—there are minds so unfortunately constituted,
that they have no sympathies with the sublime.
All their tendencies are direct and common
sense-like. To such men, Napoleon appears little
better than one who lived among his fellows more
in the character of a tiger than in that of a man.
They condemn him because he could not reduce
his own sense of the attributes of greatness to the
number, it would now seem, was to be classed
Captain Noah Poke.
A wish to relate the manner in which Dr.
Reasono and his companions fell into human
hands, has caused me to overlook one or two
matters of lighter moment, that should not, in
justice to myself, however, be entirely omitted.
When we had been at sea two days, a very
agreeable surprise for the monikin party, was
prepared and executed. I had caused a certain
number of jackets and trowsers to be made of
the skins of different animals, such as dogs, cats,
sheep, tigers, leopards, hogs, &c. &c., with the
proper accompaniments of snouts, hoofs, and
claws; and, when the ladies came on deck, after
breakfast, their eyes were no longer offended by
our rude innovations upon nature, but the whole
crew were flying about the rigging, like so many
animals of the different species named. Noah
and myself appeared in the characters of sea-lions,
the former having intimated that he understood the
nature of that beast better than any other. Of
course, this delicate attention was properly appreciated,
and handsomely acknowledged.
I had taken the precaution to order imitation-skins
to be made of cotton, which were worn in
the low latitudes; and, as we got near the Falkland
Islands, the real skins were resumed, with
promptitude, and I might add, with pleasure.
Noah had, at first, raised some strong objections
to the scheme, saying that he should not feel
safe in a ship manned and officered altogether by
wild beasts; but, at last, he came to enjoy the
thing as a good joke, never failing to hail the men,
not by their names as formerly, but, as he expressed
it himself, “by their natur's;” calling out
“You hog, out of that dirt;” “You dog, scamper
there;” “You horse, haul away,” and divers other
similar conceits, that singularly tickled his fancy.
The men themselves took up the ball, which they
kept rolling, embellished with all sorts of nautical
witticisms; their surname—they had but one,
viz. Smith—being entirely dropped for the new
appellations. Thus, the sounds of “Tom Dog,”
“Jack Cat,” “Bill Tiger,” “Sam Hog,” and
“Dick Horse,” were flying about the decks, from
morning to night.
Good humour is a great alleviator of bodily
privation. From the time the ship lost sight of
Staten Land, we had heavy weather, with hard
gales from the southward and westward; and we
had the utmost difficulty in making our southing.
Observations now became a very difficult matter,
the sun being invisible for a week at a time. The
marine instinct of Noah, at this crisis, was of the
last importance to all on board. He gave us the
cheering assurance, however, from time to time,
that we were going south, although the mates
declared that they knew not where the ship was,
or whither she was running; neither sun, moon, nor
star having now been seen for more than a week.
We had been in this state of anxiety and doubt
for about a fortnight, when Captain Poke suddenly
appeared on deck, and called for the cabin-boy,
in his usual stentorian and no-denial voice, by the
name of “You Bob Ape;” for the duty of Robert
requiring that he should be much about the persons
of the monikins, I had given him a dress of apes'
skins, as a garb that would be more congenial to
their tastes than that of a pig, or a weasel. Bob
Ape was soon forthcoming, and, as he approached
his master, he quietly turned his face from him,
smart admonitory hints, by way of letting him
know that he was to be active in the performance
of the duty on which he was about to be sent.
On this occasion I made an odd discovery. Bob
had profited by the dimensions of his lower garment,
which had been cut for a much larger
boy, (one of those who had broken down in essaying
the true Doric of “Sir,”) by stuffing it with
an old union-jack—a sort of “sarvice,” as he
afterwards told me, that saved him a good deal
of wear and tear of skin. To return to passing
events, however: when Robert had been duly kicked,
he turned about manfully, and demanded the
captain's pleasure. He was told to bring the largest
and the fairest pumpkin he could find, from the
private stores of Mr. Poke, that navigator never
going to sea without a store of articles, that he
termed “Stunin'tun food.” The Captain took the
pumpkin between his legs, and carefully peeled off
the whole of its greenish-yellow coat, leaving it a
globe of a whitish colour. He then asked for the
tar-bucket; and, with his fingers, traced various
marks, which were pretty accurate outlines of the
different continents and the larger islands of the
world. The region near the south pole, however,
he left untouched; intimating that it contained
certain sealing islands, which he considered pretty
much as the private property of the Stunin'tunners.
“Now, Doctor,” he said, pointing to the pumpkin,
“there is the 'arth, and here is the tar-pot—
just mark down the position of your island of
Leaphigh, if you please, according to the best
accounts your academy has of the matter. Make
a dab, here and there, if you happen to know of
any rocks and shoals. After that, you can lay
down the island where you were captured, giving
of the coast.”
Dr. Reasono took a fidd, and with its end he
traced all the desired objects with great readiness
and skill. Noah examined the work, and seemed
satisfied that he had fallen into the hands of a
monikin who had very correct notions of bearings
and distances, one, in short, on whose local knowedge
it might do to run even in the night. He
then projected the position of Stunin'tun, an occupation
in which he took great delight, actually
designing the meeting-house and the principal
tavern; after which, the chart was laid aside.
| CHAPTER XIII. The monikins | |