 | CHAPTER X. The monikins |  |
10. CHAPTER X.
A great deal of negotiation, in which human shrewdness is
completely shamed, and human ingenuity is shown to be
of a very secondary quality.
Mr. Poke listened to my account of all that had
passed, with a very sedate gravity. He informed
me that he had witnessed so much ingenuity among
the seals, and had known so many brutes that
seemed to have the sagacity of men, and so many
men who appeared to have the stupidity of
brutes, that he had no difficulty whatever in believing
satisfaction, too, at the prospect of hearing a lecture
on natural philosophy and political economy
from the lips of a monkey; although he took occasion
to intimate that no desire to learn anything
lay at the bottom of his compliance; for, in his
country, these matters were very generally studied
in the district schools, the very children who ran
about the streets of `Stunin'tun' usually knowing
more than most of the old people in foreign parts.
“Still a monkey might have some new ideas; and,
for his part, he was willing to hear what every
one had to say; for, if a man did'nt put in a word
for himself, in this world, he might be certain no
one else would take the pains to speak for him.”
But when I came to mention the details of the
programme of the forthcoming interview, and
stated that it was expected the audience would
wear their own skins, out of respect to the ladies,
I greatly feared that my friend would have so far
excited himself as to go into fits. The rough old
sealer swore some terrible oaths, protesting “that
he would not make a monkey of himself, by appearing
in this garb, for all the monikin philosophers,
or high-born females, that could be stowed
in a ship's hold; that he was very liable to take
cold; that he once knew a man who undertook to
play beast in this manner, and the first thing the
poor devil knew, he had great claws and a tail
sprouting out of him; a circumstance that he had
always attributed to a just judgment for striving
to make himself more than Providence had intended
him for; that, provided a man's ears were
naked, he could hear just as well as if his whole
body was naked; that he did not complain of the
monkeys going in their skins, and that they ought,
in reason, not to meddle with his clothes; that he
thinking what a miserable figure he cut; that he
would have no place to keep his tobacco; that he
was apt to be deaf when he was cold; that he
would be d—d if he did any such thing; that
human natur' and monkey natur' were not the same,
and it was not to be expected that men and monkeys
should follow exactly the same fashions; that
the meeting would have the appearance of a boxing-match,
instead of a philosophical lecture; that
he never heard of such a thing at Stunin'tun; that
he should feel sneaking at seeing his own shins in
the presence of ladies; that a ship always made
better weather under some canvas, than under
bare poles; that he might possibly be brought to
his shirt and pantaloons, but as for giving up these,
he would as soon think of cutting the sheet-anchor
off his bows, with the vessel driving on a lee-shore;
that flesh and blood were flesh and blood, and they
liked their comfort; that he should think the whole
time he was about to go in a swimming, and
should be looking about for a good place to dive;”
together with a great many more similar objections,
that have escaped me in the multitude of
things of greater interest which have since occupied
my time. I have frequently had occasion to
observe, that, when a man has one good, solid
reason for his decision, it is no easy matter to
shake it; but, that he who has a great many,
usually finds them of far less account in the
struggle of opinions. Such proved to be the fact
with Captain Poke on the present occasion. I succeeded
in stripping him of his garments, one by
one, until I got him reduced to the shirt, where,
like a stout ship that is easily brought to her
bearings by the breeze, he `stuck and hung' in
a manner to manifest it would require a heavy
strain to bring him down any lower. A lucky
were a couple of good large bison-skins among
my effects, and on suggesting to Dr. Reasono the
expediency of encasing Captain Poke in the folds
of one of them, the philosopher cheerfully assented,
observing that any object of a natural and simple
formation was agreeable to the monikin senses;
their objections were merely to the deformities of
art, which they deemed to be so many offences
against Providence. On this explanation, I ventured
to hint that, being still in the infancy of the
new civilization, it would be very agreeable to my
ancient habits, could I be permitted to use one of
the skins, also, while Mr. Poke occupied the other.
Not the slightest objection was raised to the proposal,
and measures were immediately taken to
prepare us to appear in good company. Soon
after I received from Dr. Reasono a protocol of
the conditions that were to regulate the approaching
interview. This document was written in
Latin, out of respect to the ancients, and as I afterwards
understood, it was drawn up by my Lord
Chatterino, who had been educated for the diplomatic
career at home, previously to the accident
which had thrown him, alas! into human hands. I
translate it freely, for the benefit of the ladies, who
usually prefer their own tongues to any others.
Protocol of an interview that is to take place
between Sir John Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder
Hall, in the kingdom of Great Britain, and
No. 22,817, brown-study-colour, or Socrates Reasono,
F. U. D. G. E., Professor of Probabilities in
the University of Monikinia, and in the kingdom
of Leaphigh:
The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.—
Article 1. That there shall be an interview.
Art. 2. That the said interview shall be a peaceable
interview, and not a belligerent interview.
Art. 3. That the said interview shall be logical,
explanatory, and discursory.
Art. 4. That during said interview, Dr. Reasono
shall have the privilege of speaking most,
and Sir John Goldencalf the privilege of hearing
most.
Art. 5. That Sir John Goldencalf shall have
the privilege of asking questions, and Dr. Reasono
the privilege of answering them.
Art. 6. That a due regard shall be had to both
human and monikin prejudices and sensibilities.
Art. 7. That Dr. Reasono, and any monikins
who may accompany him, shall smooth their coats,
and otherwise dispose of their natural vestments,
in a way that shall be as agreeable as possible to
Sir John Goldencalf and his friend.
Art. 8. That Sir John Goldencalf, and any man
who may accompany him, shall appear in bison-skins,
wearing no other clothing, in order to render
themselves as agreeable as possible to Dr. Reasono
and his friends.
Art. 9. That the conditions of this protocol shall
be respected.
Art. 10. That any doubtful significations in this
protocol shall be interpreted, as near as may be, in
favor of both parties.
Art. 11. That no precedent shall be established
to the prejudice of either the human or the monikin
dialect, by the adoption of the Latin language
on this occasion.
Delighted with this proof of attention on the part
of my Lord Chatterino, I immediately left a card
for that young nobleman, and then seriously set
about preparing myself, with an increased scrupulousness,
of the compact. Capt. Poke was soon ready, and
I must say that he looked more like a quadruped
on its hind legs, in his new attire, than a human
being. As for my own appearance, I trust it was
such as became my station and character.
At the appointed time all the parties were assembled,
Lord Chatterino appearing with a copy
of the protocol in his hand. This instrument was
formally read, by the young peer, in a very creditable
manner, when a silence ensued, as if to invite
comment. I know not how it is, but I never
yet heard the positive stipulations of any bargain,
that I did not feel a propensity to look out for
weak places in them. I had begun to see that
the discussion might lead to argument, argument
to comparisons between the two species, and
something like an esprit de corps was stirring within
me. It now struck me that a question might be
fairly raised as to the propriety of Dr. Reasono's
appearing with three backers, while I had but one.
The objection was, therefore, urged on my part, I
hope in a modest and conciliatory manner. In
reply, my Lord Chatterino observed, it was true
the protocol spoke in general terms of mutual supporters,
but if—
“Sir John Goldencalf would be at the trouble
of referring to the instrument itself, he would see
that the backers of Dr. Reasono were mentioned in
the plural number, while that of Sir John himself
was alluded to only in the singular number.”
“Perfectly true, my Lord; but you will, however,
permit me to remark, that two Monikins
would completely fulfil the conditions in favor of
Dr. Reasono, while he appears here with three;
there certainly must be some limits to this plurality,
or the Doctor would have a right to attend the
Leaphigh.”
“The objection is highly ingenious, and creditable
in the last degree to the diplomatic abilities
of Sir John Goldencalf; but, among monikins, two
females are deemed equal to only one male, in the
eye of the law. Thus, in cases which require two
witnesses, as in conveyances of real estate, two
male monikins are sufficient, whereas it would
be necessary to have four female signatures, in
order to give the instrument validity. In the legal
sense, therefore, I conceive that Dr. Reasono is
attended by only two monikins.”
Captain Poke hereupon observed that this provision
in the law of Leaphigh was a good one; for
he had often had occasion to remark that women,
quite half the time, did not know what they were
about; and he thought, in general, that they require
more ballast than men.
“This reply would completely cover the case,
my Lord,” I answered, “were the protocol purely
a monikin document, and this assembly purely a
monikin assembly. But the facts are notoriously
otherwise. The document is drawn up in a common
vehicle of thought among scholars, and I
gladly seize the opportunity to add, that I do not
remember to have seen a better specimen of modern
latinity.”
“It is undeniable, Sir John,” returned Lord
Chatterino, waving his tail in acknowledgment of
the compliment, “that the protocol itself, is in a
language that has now become common property;
but the mere medium of thought, on such occasions,
is of no great moment, provided it is neutral
as respects the contracting parties; moreover,
in this particular case, article 11th of the protocol
contains a stipulation that no legal consequences
a stipulation that leaves the contracting parties
in possession of their original rights, Now,
as the lecture is to be a monikin lecture, given
by a monikin philosopher, and on monikin grounds,
I humbly urge that it is proper the interview should
generally be conducted on monikin principles.”
“If by monikin grounds, is meant monikin
ground, (which I have a right to assume, since
the greater necessarily includes the less,) I beg
leave to remind your Lordship, that the parties
are, at this moment, in a neutral country, and
that, if either of them can set up a claim of territorial
jurisdiction, or the rights of the flag, these
claims must be admitted to be human, since the
locataire of this apartment is a man, in control of
the locus in quo, and pro hac vice, the suzerain.”
“Your ingenuity has greatly exceeded my construction,
Sir John, and I beg leave to amend my
plea.—All I mean is, that the leading consideration
in this interview, is a monikin interest—that we
are met to propound, explain, digest, animadvert
on, and embellish a monikin theme—that the
accessory must be secondary to the principal—
that the lesser must merge, not in your sense, but
in my sense, in the greater—and, by consequence,
that—”
“You will accord me your pardon, my dear
Lord, but I hold—”
“Nay, my good Sir John, I trust to your intelligence
to be excused if I say—”
“One word, my Lord Chatterino, I pray you,
in order that—”
“A thousand, very cheerfully, Sir John, but—”
“My Lord Chatterino!”
“Sir John Goldencalf!”
Hereupon we both began talking at the same
time, the noble young monikin gradually narrowing
down the direction of his observations to
the single person of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, who, I
afterwards had occasion to know, was an excellent
listener; and I, in my turn, after wandering
from eye to eye, settled down into a sort of oration
that was especially addressed to the understanding
of Captain Noah Poke, My auditor
contrived to get one ear entirely clear of the
bison's skin, and nodded approbation of what fell
from me, with a proper degree of human and
clannish spirit. We might possibly have harangued
in this desultory manner, to the present time, had
not the amiable Chatterissa advanced, and, with
the fact and delicacy which distinguish her sex,
by placing her pretty patte on the mouth of the
young nobleman, she effectually checked his volubility.
When a horse is running away, he usually
comes to a dead stop, after driving through lanes,
and gates, and turnpikes, the moment he finds
himself master of his own movements, in an open
field. Thus, in my own case, no sooner did I find
myself in sole possession of the argument, than I
brought it to a close. Dr. Reasono improved the
pause, to introduce a proposition that, the experiment
already made by myself and Lord Chatterino
being evidently a failure, he and Mr. Poke should
retire and make an effort to agree upon an entirely
new programme of the proceedings. This
happy thought suddenly restored peace; and, while
the two negotiators were absent, I improved the
opportunity to become better acquainted with the
lovely Chatterissa and her female Mentor. Lord
Chatterino, who possessed all the graces of diplomacy,
who could turn from a hot and angry discussion,
on the instant, to the most bland and winning
wishes, inducing his charming mistress to throw
aside the reserve of a short acquaintance, and to
enter, at once, into a free and friendly discourse.
Some time elapsed before the plenipotentiaries
returned; for it appears that, owing to a constitutional
peculiarity, or, as he subsequently explained
it himself, a `Stunin'tun principle,' Captain Poke
conceived he was bound, in a bargain, to dispute
every proposition which came from the other party.
This difficulty would probably have proved insuperable,
had not Dr. Reasono luckily bethought
him of a frank and liberal proposal to leave every
other article, without reserve, to the sole dictation
of his colleague, reserving to himself the same
privilege for all the rest. Noah, after being well
assured that the philosopher was no lawyer, assented;
and the affair, once begun in this spirit
of concession, was soon brought to a close. And
here I would recommend this happy expedient to
all negotiators of knotty and embarrassing treaties,
since it enables each party to gain his point, and
probably leaves as few openings for subsequent
disputes, as any other mode that has yet been
adopted. The new instrument ran as follows, it
having been written, in duplicate, in English and in
Monikin. It will be seen that the pertinacity of
one of the negotiators gave it very much the character
of a capitulation.
Protocol of an interview, &c. &c. &c.
The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.—
Article 1. There shall be an interview.
Art. 2. Agreed; provided all the parties can
come and go at pleasure.
Art. 3. The said interview shall be conducted,
generally, on philosophical and liberal principles.
Art. 4. Agreed; provided tobacco may be used
at discretion.
Art. 5. That either party shall have the privilege
of propounding questions, and either party
the privilege of answering them.
Art. 6. Agreed; provided no one need listen,
or no one talk, unless so disposed.
Art. 7. The attire of all present shall be conformable
to the abstract rules of propriety and
decorum.
Art. 8. Agreed; provided the bison-skins may
be reefed, from time to time, according to the
state of the weather.
Art. 9. The provisions of this protocol shall be
rigidly respected.
Art. 10. Agreed; provided no advantage be
taken by lawyers.
Lord Chatterino and myself pounced upon the
respective documents like two hawks, eagerly
looking for flaws, or the means of maintaining the
opinions we had before advanced, and which we
had both shown so much cleverness in supporting.
“Why, my Lord, there is no provision for the
appearance of any Monikins at all at this interview!”
“The generality of the terms leaves it to be
inferred that all may come and go who may be so
disposed.”
“Your pardon, my Lord; article 8 contains a
direct allusion to bison-skins in the plural, and
under circumstances from which it follows, by a
just deduction, that it was contemplated that more
than one wearer of the said skins should be present
at the said interview.”
“Perfectly just, Sir John; but you will suffer
me to observe that by article 1, it is conditioned
it is furthermore agreed that the said interview
shall be conducted `on philosophical and liberal
principles;' now, it need scarcely be urged, good
Sir John, that it would be the extreme of illiberality
to deny to one party any privilege that was possessed
by the other.”
“Perfectly just, my Lord, were this an affair
of mere courtesy; but legal constructions must be
made on legal principles, or else, as jurists and
diplomatists, we are all afloat on the illimitable
ocean of conjecture.”
“And yet article 10 expressly stipulates that
`no advantage shall be taken by lawyers.' By
considering articles 3, and 10, profoundly and in
conjunction, we learn that it was the intention of
the negotiators to spread the mantle of liberality,
apart from all the subtilties and devices of mere
legal practitioners, over the whole proceedings.
Permit me, in corroboration of what is now urged,
to appeal to the voices of those who framed the
very conditions about which we are now arguing.
Did you, sir,” continued my Lord Chatterino,
turning to Captain Poke, with emphasis and dignity;
“did you, sir, when you drew up this celebrated
article 10—did you deem that you were
publishing authority of which the lawyers could
take advantage?”
A deep and very sonorous “No,” was the energetic
reply of Mr. Poke.
My Lord Chatterino, then turning, with equal
grace, to the Doctor, first diplomatically waving
his tail three times, continued:—
“And you, sir, in drawing up article 3—did you
conceive that you were supporting and promulgating
illiberal principles?”
The question was met by a prompt negative;
like one who had completely triumphed.
“Perfectly eloquent, completely convincing, irrefutably
argumentative, and unanswerably just, my
Lord,” I put in; “but I must be permitted to hint
that the validity of all laws is derived from the
enactment: now the enactment, or, in the case of
a treaty, the virtue of the stipulation, is not derived
from the intention of the party who may happen
to draw up a law or a clause, but from the assent
of the legal deputies. In the present instance, there
are two negotiators, and I now ask permission to
address a few questions to them, reversing the
order of your own interrogatories; and the result
may possibly furnish a clue to the quo animo, in a
new light.” Addressing the philosopher, I continued—“Did
you, sir, in assenting to article 10,
imagine that you were defeating justice, countenancing
oppression, and succouring might to the
injury of right?”
The answer was a solemn, and, I do not doubt,
a very conscientious, “No.”
“And you, sir,” turning to Captain Poke, “did
you, in assenting to article 3, in the least conceive
that, by any possibility, the foes of humanity could
torture your approbation into the means of determining
that the bison-skin wearers were not to be
upon a perfect footing with the best Monikins of
the land?”
“Blast me, if I did!”
“But, Sir John Goldencalf, the Socratic method
of reasoning—”
“Was first resorted to by yourself, my Lord—”
“Nay, good Sir—”
“Permit me, my dear Lord—”
“Sir John—”
“My Lord—”
Hereupon the gentle Chatterissa again advanced,
and by another timely interposition of her graceful
tact, she succeeded in preventing the reply. The
parallel of the runaway horse was acted over,
and I came to another stand-still. Lord Chatterino
now gallantly proposed that the whole affair
should be referred, with full powers, to the ladies.
I could not refuse; and the plenipotentiaries retired,
under a growling accompaniment of Captain Poke,
who pretty plainly declared that women caused
more quarrels than all the rest of the world, and,
from the little he had seen, he expected it would
turn out the same with monikinas.
The female sex certainly possess a facility of
composition that is denied our portion of the creation.
In an incredibly short time, the referees
returned with the following programme.
Protocol of an interview between, &c. &c.
The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.—
Article 1. There shall be an amicable, logical,
philosophical, ethical, liberal, general, and controversial
interview.
Art. 2. The interview shall be amicable
Art. 3. The interview shall be general.
Art. 4. The interview shall be logical.
Art. 5. The interview shall be ethical.
Art. 6. The interview shall be philosophical.
Art. 7. The interview shall be liberal.
Art. 8. The interview shall be controversial.
Art. 9. The interview shall be controversial,
liberal, philosophical, ethical, logical, general, and
amicable.
Art. 10. The interview shall be as particularly
agreed upon.
The cat does not leap upon the mouse with more
avidity than Lord Chatterino and myself pounced
upon the third protocol, seeking new grounds for
the argument that each was resolved on.
“Auguste! cher Auguste!” exclaimed the lovely
Chatterissa, in the prettiest Parisian accent I
thought I had ever heard—“Pour moi!”
“A moi! Monseigneur,” I put in, flourishing my
copy of the protocol—I was checked in the midst
of this controversial ardor, by a tug at the bisonskin;
when, casting a look behind me, I saw Captain
Poke winking and making other signs that he
wished to say a word in a corner.
“I think, Sir John,” observed the worthy sealer,
“if we ever mean to let this bargain come to a catastrophe,
it might as well be done now. The females
have been cunning, but the deuce is in it if we
can't weather upon two women before the matter
is well over. In Stunin'tun, when it is thought
best to accommodate proposals, why we object
and raise a breeze in the beginning, but towards
the end we kinder soften and mollify, or else trade
would come to a stand. The hardest gale must
blow its pipe out. Trust to me to floor the best
argument the best monkey of them all can agitate!”
“This matter is getting serious, Noah, and I am
filled with an espril de corps. Do you not begin
yourself to feel human?”
“Kinder; but more bisonish than any thing
else. Let them go on, Sir John; and, when the
time comes, we will take them aback, or set me
down as a pettifogger.”
The Captain winked knowingly; and I began to
see that there was some sense in his opinion. On
rejoining our friends, or allies, I scarce know
which to call them, I found that the amiable Chatterissa
her lover, again; and we now met on the best possible
terms. The protocol was accepted by acclamation;
and preparations were instantly commenced
for the lecture of Dr. Reasono.
| CHAPTER X. The monikins | |