HAT versus WIG.
1827.
“At the interment of the Duke of York, Lord Eld---n, in order to guard against the effects of the damp, stood upon his hat during the whole of the ceremony.”
------ metus omnes et inexorabile fatum
Subjecit pedibus, strepitumque Acherontis avari.
'Twixt Eld---n's Hat and Eld---n's Wig
There lately rose an altercation,—
Each with its own importance big,
Disputing which most serves the nation.
Quoth Wig, with consequential air,
“Pooh! pooh! you surely can't design,
“My worthy beaver, to compare
“Your station in the state with mine.
“Who meets the learned legal crew?
“Who fronts the lordly Senate's pride?
“The Wig, the Wig, my friend—while you
“Hang dangling on some peg outside.
“Oh, 'tis the Wig, that rules, like Love,
“Senate and Court, with like éclat—
“And wards below, and lords above,
“For Law is Wig and Wig is Law!
“Who tried the long, Long
W*ll*sl*y suit,
“Which tried one's patience, in return?
“Not thou, oh Hat!—though, could'st thou do't,
“Of other brims
than thine thou'dst learn.
“'Twas mine our master's toil to share;
“When, like ‘Truepenny,’ in the play
,
“He, every minute, cried out ‘Swear,’
“And merrily to swear went they
;—
“When, loth poor W*ll*sl*y to condemn, he
“With nice discrimination weigh'd,
“Whether 'twas only ‘Hell and Jemmy,’
“Or ‘Hell and Tommy’ that he play'd.
“No, no, my worthy beaver, no—
“Though cheapen'd at the cheapest hatter's,
“And smart enough, as beavers go,
“Thou ne'er wert made for public matters.”
Here Wig concluded his oration,
Looking, as wigs do, wondrous wise;
While thus, full cock'd for declamation,
The veteran Hat enrag'd replies:—
“Ha! dost thou then so soon forget
“What thou, what England owes to me?
“Ungrateful Wig!—when will a debt,
“So deep, so vast, be owed to thee?
“Think of that night, that fearful night,
“When, through the steaming vault below,
“Our master dar'd, in gout's despite,
“To venture his podagric toe!
“Who was it then, thou boaster, say,
“When thou had'st to thy box sneak'd off,
“Beneath his feet protecting lay,
“And sav'd him from a mortal cough?
“Think, if Catarrh had quench'd that sun,
“How blank this world had been to thee!
“Without that head to shine upon,
“Oh Wig, where would thy glory be?
“You, too, ye Britons,—had this hope
“Of Church and state been ravish'd from ye,
“Oh think, how Canning and the Pope
“Would then have play'd up ‘Hell and Tommy!’
“At sea, there's but a plank, they say,
“'Twixt seamen and annihilation;
“A Hat, that awful moment, lay
“'Twixt England and Emancipation!
“Oh!!!—”
At this “Oh!!!” The Times' Reporter
Was taken poorly, and retir'd;
Which made him cut Hat's rhetoric shorter,
Than justice to the case requir'd.
On his return, he found these shocks
Of eloquence all ended quite;
And Wig lay snoring in his box,
And Hat was—hung up for the night.
