The Poetical Works of Thomas Moore Collected by Himself. In Ten Volumes |
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COCKER, ON CHURCH REFORM.
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 | The Poetical Works of Thomas Moore |  |
151
COCKER, ON CHURCH REFORM.
FOUNDED UPON SOME LATE CALCULATIONS.
1833.
Fine figures of speech let your orators follow,
Old Cocker has figures that beat them all hollow.
Though famed for his rules Aristotle may be,
In but half of this Sage any merit I see,
For, as honest Joe Hume says, the “tottle ” for me!
Old Cocker has figures that beat them all hollow.
Though famed for his rules Aristotle may be,
In but half of this Sage any merit I see,
For, as honest Joe Hume says, the “tottle ” for me!
For instance, while others discuss and debate,
It is thus about Bishops I ratiocinate.
It is thus about Bishops I ratiocinate.
In England, where, spite of the infidel's laughter,
'Tis certain our souls are look'd very well after,
Two Bishops can well (if judiciously sunder'd)
Of parishes manage two thousand two hundred,—
Said number of parishes, under said teachers,
Containing three millions of Protestant creatures,—
So that each of said Bishops full ably controls
One million and five hundred thousands of souls.
And now comes old Cocker. In Ireland we're told,
Half a million includes the whole Protestant fold;
If, therefore, for three million souls, 'tis conceded
Two proper-sized Bishops are all that is needed,
'Tis plain, for the Irish half million who want 'em,
One third of one Bishop is just the right quantum.
And thus, by old Cocker's sublime Rule of Three,
The Irish Church question's resolv'd to a T;
Keeping always that excellent maxim in view,
That, in saving men's souls, we must save money too.
'Tis certain our souls are look'd very well after,
Two Bishops can well (if judiciously sunder'd)
Of parishes manage two thousand two hundred,—
Said number of parishes, under said teachers,
Containing three millions of Protestant creatures,—
So that each of said Bishops full ably controls
One million and five hundred thousands of souls.
152
Half a million includes the whole Protestant fold;
If, therefore, for three million souls, 'tis conceded
Two proper-sized Bishops are all that is needed,
'Tis plain, for the Irish half million who want 'em,
One third of one Bishop is just the right quantum.
And thus, by old Cocker's sublime Rule of Three,
The Irish Church question's resolv'd to a T;
Keeping always that excellent maxim in view,
That, in saving men's souls, we must save money too.
Nay, if—as St. Roden complains is the case—
The half million of soul is decreasing apace,
The demand, too, for bishop will also fall off,
Till the tithe of one, taken in kind, be enough.
But, as fractions imply that we'd have to dissect,
And to cutting up Bishops I strongly object,
We've a small, fractious prelate whom well we could spare,
Who has just the same decimal worth, to a hair;
And, not to leave Ireland too much in the lurch,
We'll let her have Ex---t---r, sole , as her Church
The half million of soul is decreasing apace,
The demand, too, for bishop will also fall off,
Till the tithe of one, taken in kind, be enough.
But, as fractions imply that we'd have to dissect,
And to cutting up Bishops I strongly object,
We've a small, fractious prelate whom well we could spare,
Who has just the same decimal worth, to a hair;
And, not to leave Ireland too much in the lurch,
We'll let her have Ex---t---r, sole , as her Church
| The Poetical Works of Thomas Moore | |