University of Virginia Library

Tis strange to heare this silken-gull preferre
Those plots by which his Court-ship seems to erre,
Before those honest aymes which ever are
Both more secure and more successive far.
'Tis sure the corrupt age hee liveth in
Makes him thus vainly glory in his sin;
Or else hee holds Confession of his crimes
Agreeing well with these absolving times,
Where sundry Rites they to the Church restore
Which we nere heard this threescore yeeres before.
But doth this painted Truncke, whose best repute
Dependeth on the fashion of his Sute,
Imagine all the Projects of the State,
To have no other Forge but from his pate?
Or that there is no Engineer so quick,
To vie with him in matters politick?
Yes, know thou powdred and perfumed Ape,
For all thy Cinnamon adulterate shape,
Though thou seeme to disvalue other men,
Ile match thee with a grogran-Citizen,
Who, as it will appeare before wee part,
Shall put thee down with tricks spight of thy heart.
Yet I ne're travel'd far to get them neither,
Being a byrth-right left me by my Father;
So as in these I cannot well miscarrie,
Because they are to mee Hereditarie.
Nor be my actions halfe so base as His,
For all his policie meere servile is;
Hee's tyde to dance attendance early, late,
And to Petition men for his estate;
Grounding his hopes on others overthrow,
But Ide be loth to raise my Fortunes so.
My Shop's my Ship, where I doe vent my ware,
To which both Court and Country doe repaire;
Where if the buyer chance to bid too much
For his commoditie, I am none such
To lessen what he offers; my receite
Of custome, is the place where I must waite:
Where if I should make scruple of my gaine,
How should I pay my rent or port maintaine?
I must and will for my best vantage stand,
“Let the gull take his losse in his own hand.
Yet some are thus opinion'd, Of all men
There's none more simple then a Citizen;
For hee can scarcely any reason show
For ought he sees, but asks where Malt doth grow:
This makes them call us Cockneies, nor doe wee
Thrive worse for that we so accounted bee.
For wee darke-shops to vent ill ware may use,
And with simplicity our guile excuse;
Protest yes verily, and make a show
Of that which verily is nothing so.
Here you shall see a gallant-gull come neere us,
When in our shops he shall no sooner heare us
Cry out to passengers What doe ye lack?
But he is forthwith tane with some new knack;
Out cometh gold from this Arabian Rat,
Which our keene lick'rish Teeth doe water at.
More will we aske then we expect by halfe,
Of purpose to entrap this golden-Calfe;
For there's no purchase in the world can please
A Citizen so much as gulling these.
The reason is, our weakness they contemn
As sillie, simple and plain-dealing men,
Because (forsooth) we no discoursers be,
But only of our owne commoditie.
We know no tillage, nor no pasture grounds,
The City-walls have ever been our bounds,
Unlesse along we with a neighbour go
To Croydon, Acton, Newington, or so.
Now there is nought on earth makes me so sorie,
As that this Court-Ape should so vainly glorie
That we repaire to him for his direction,
In the procurement of our own Protection,
Which is not so; for as we laid first plot
Of bringing that to passe which we have got,
So Ile maintain it, none of these but wee
Are Agents too in this immunitie:
Which to confirme, I purpose to relate
A President which hapned but of late.
“One of my Bretherhood of good esteeme,
“As any neere Long-lane long time hath beene,
“Pretending by a mighty losse on Sea,
“(Though this was but a meere pretended plea)
“That he through poverty could not defray,
“What he in Conscience was bound to pay.
“Yet long ere this, that he might Statutes shun,
“Had he confer'd his State upon his Son.
“With this pretence he to a Courtier goes,
“To whom sincerely he his purpose shows,
“Imparting to him briefly his intent
“Was to make men beleeve his means were spent;
“That so he might by this deluding cheat,
“Increase his State, his Creditors defeat.
“Meane time his ayde he humbelly would crave,
“That for his Debts he may Protection have;
“Which court'sie should so ty him during breath,
“His State should be the Courtiers at his death.
“This the spruce credulous silk-worm seems to trust,
“And little dreams what State was made at first;
“But by Assumpsit holding th'Grant secure,
“Hee a Protection labours to procure:
“Which got, my fox-fur'd Brother was at ease,
“Frolick and merry as a Mouse in Cheese.
“But now ensues the jest, when he should die,
“(As no Protection 'gainst mortalitie)
“Adoption did the Courtier so intrance
“In hope of his assur'd inheritance,
“Hee'd suffer none (so carefull was the elfe)
“To visit this rich sick-man but himselfe;
“About his Bed still would he seeme to bee,
“Expecting that which he did long to see:
“But lo! his hopes were turned to despaire,
“When he perceiv'd another made his Heire;
“Which caus'd him vow that he would never after,
“Make his Protections instruments of laughter.
But I doe wonder how Court-Apes should seeme
So much our City-Apes to disesteeme;
They'r made, I'm sure, of selfe-same element,
Hows'ere they seeme inferior in discent.
No, nor inferior in discent at all,
As might be prov'd of late from Girdlers-hall,
Where One of obscure race as one could bee,
Without so much as a welsh-Pedigree,
When he deceas'd, so well his fortunes stood,
Was found descended of a noble blood.
Which makes me think, if so their race were known,
That there be many Trades-men in the Town,
Whose high descent aymes at a noble pitch,
Provided alwaies, that these men die rich:
For then, for Heires they need take little care,
Some noble unknown kinsman will be Heire:
The Law enableth him as heire apparant,
For why; A great mans claim includes a Warrant.
But while I make my Brethrens actions knowne,
I am forgetfull wholy of mine owne.
For th'little time I did the Court frequent,
I found it wanton and incontinent;
Which I observing, though a City-Ape,
I had a great desire to imitate:
And that you may know how I profited,
Ile shew you briefly where I practised.
“To a Court-Landresse first did I repaire,
“Encountring her at bottom of a staire;
“Which by experience I may safely sweare,
“Within a fortnight after cost mee deare.
“For shee demanding of mee where I dwelt,
“Weakly and unadvisedly I tell 't,
“Whereof she made this use: One day being come
“Unto my Shop, when I was gone from home,
“(For by direction shee my shop had found)
“Shee call'd for ware to th'value of ten pound;
“My man expecting money, shee delay'd him,
“Asking where was his Master, she had paid him?
“Long had not hee and shee contesting bin
“Till I, as fortune bad, came rushing in;
“Whom shee no sooner ey'd, then by my name
“Saluting me, shee justifi'd the same.
“Where Duck (quoth I?) shee, rounding in mine ear:
“(But never blush'd at matter) told me where.
“I, lest I should my credit overthrow,
“Told her, I did remember it was so,
“Entreating her excuse, I had forgot it;
“Thus did I colour 't so, as none could note it.
But now my reputation doth remaine
Free from all touch, as if it nere had staine;
All causes unto mee are now refer'd,
As the sufficientst man within the Ward.
If any childe be in the Parish got,
I of the Parents take especiall note
To take them joyntly bound, be't boy or daughter,
That th'Parish be not charged with it after.
For I'm held none of these who prate non sence,
Spending the day in nodding on a bench;
For these, as if their beard held all their wit,
Speake scarce two words but they are stroking it.
I know right well, there's not an Officer,
From Treasurer unto the Scavenger,
But needs those choice directions of mine,
For I have borne each office in my time,
And in each place of note so well become me
As there was none could take advantage on me.
But I shall little neede to presse this theame,
The City notice takes of my esteeme;
The Vergers too, so highly do approve me,
As scarce two Seats be in the Church above me.
Now having got such honor in the Towne,
Ile take survey where I am lesser knowne;
If they dis-value me, impute ye it
To want of my acquaintance, or their wit.
To th'University I nere repaire
But once a yeere, and that's at Sturbridg-faire;
Yet am I knowne to many Scholars there,
Who buy of me whats'ever they doe weare.
Silks, Sattins, Grograns, Serges of each sort,
Of mee they cheap, and I doe cheat them for't.
If a penurious Master have a mind
To Satten-face his doublet, though behind
It be of Buckram, hee'll to mee resort,
And tell mee hee's injoyn'd to preach at Court;
So as he meanes, if God will give him leave,
To buy a Satten-forepart, with half-sleeve;
For that's as much he thinks as will be seene,
To gaine unto his person more esteeme.
Forthwith I finde a Remnant of the best,
(So much at least I verily protest)
Wherewith I doe sufficiently store
This choice Divine, who nere bought silke before.
Yet I confesse this Remnant that he bought,
Such a commoditie 'twas good for nought,
Being gumm'd throughout to make it neatly shine,
Which gave content unto this spruce Divine.
When th'Fair is done I to the Colledg come,
Or else I drink with them at Trompington;
Craving their more acquaintance with my heart
Till our next Sturbridg faire, and so wee part.

Now for the Country; where I make my stay
In no place longer then at Beverley
To Country maids, and Gentlewomen too,
My newest and alluringst stuffs I show;
Which doe so mad them, they perforce must buy,
And I perceive their humor by their eye:
So as I ever hold that stuffe most deare,
To which these Goosings most affection beare;
Swearing it cost mee more then all the rest,
For P. and G.'s the marke which proves it best.
Then with shop-usual formal Rhetorick,
I touch these itching tamefowles to the quick,
For I doe tell them, if they hold 't too deere
Ide wish them to goe try some other where;
But I'm perswaded, though they doe complaine
My rates too high, they'l come to me againe;
For sure I am, wheres'ever they doe try,
There's none can sell at lower rates then I.
Thus I adjure them, yet perhaps they'l go
To make a tryall, to a shop or two,
But this the jest; we have a practise made,
The better to enhance our thriving trade,
Amongst our selves no secret must be hid,
But we are to give notice what they bid,
That we may altogether sing one song,
And by our rates not one another wrong.
Yea, by our art to gaine our trades their due,
We have a trick to sell old ware for new;
Which country-people seldom doe perceive,
For they're too simple to smell out a knave.
Although sometimes they fit us in our kind,
When they with easie gale and ready wind,
In ev'ry Coast doe take especiall care
To change stale-wenches with our slubberd-ware;
Which wee accept, and if good luck bechance them,
To great-mens wives their fortune may advance thē.

Thus have you heard the tricks that I can play,
Which smoothly carried profit more then they,
Whose glorious outsides paint their projects over
With nothing else save with a gilded cover.
If Wags be gulld by running on our shelves,
Wee were not cause on't, they may thank themselves
Wee in our Shops doe stand, they come unto us,
To profit what wee can they will allow us.
But if't dislike them that we should doe so,
Truth is wee'll do 't whether they will or no;
For it was never yet to any knowne
But One might make best use he could of's owne.
Which whether I have done or no, review
My courses o're, and Ile bee judg'd by you.