The honest ghost :: :: University of Virginia Library

I must, and will; and as my rank is best,
In formost rank I'le make my self exprest.
Since I plai'd tricks it's now the 13th Sūmer,
In which my aime was still to purchase honour.
Where e're I saw one held in more esteem
Then I my self, I vented streight my spleen
Upon his person, and would labour too
(As much as lay in me) his overthrow.
I could not brook Corrivals; yea my heart
Did swell with grief to see men of desert
Respected where I sojourn'd, for I fear'd
My fortunes should be raz'd, if theirs were rear'd.
This caus'd me plot and practise some device
To move the State, their service to despise;
Suggesting how these men were Popular,
And though their course of life seem'd regular,
Their studie was but how to broach division,
And gain them titles suiting their ambition.
Or else, I made a shew of love unto them;
And told them, this retirement would undo them;

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It were more fit for them to be imploy'd
In State-affairs, in which all good men joy'd,
Then burie those choice parts wch Nature gave them
In airie hopes, which quickly would deceive them.
Now if they chanc't to follow my advice,
My taske was still to crosse their enterprize
By undervaluing what they had effected,
That by the State they might be lesse respected.
Thus did my Honour take more true delight
In thwarting of some rising Favorite,
Whose blooming hopes were now to ripenesse growing,
Then if my own Estate were overflowing;
“For, like to Jacks mov'd in a Virginall,
“I thought ones rising was anothers fall.

But now, secure of these, my Coach I took,
Where I perus'd a little Table-book,
Wherein such Citizens recorded be
As were to lend me Coine, or credit me
For such commodities as I did want,
And these my Honour hugg'd, these did I hant.
Having now got my purpose, straight I'de flee them,
And though they knockt, my Lordship would not see them.
My Honour was my Sanctuary made,
And by Protection all my debts were paid.
For if I grant Protection to another
To Conicatch, or to defeat his brother,
My shallow Sconce is run on no such Shelfe
As to neglect Protection for my selfe.
And yet some Apes I had were my delights,
And these were Sycophants and Parasites,

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Who would so humor me, as I protest
No meat without them could I well digest.
From these I had directions for my pace,
Look, habit, speech, to adde a greater grace
Or lustre to my Honour; so as I
Would set my Count'nance to look scornfully
On these inferiour Vulgars, whose estate
My Honour scorn'd once to commiserate:
For I have ever held it derogation
To men of place, to harbour this compassion.
In forain Courts I ever Leaguers had
Who did inform me, were they nere so bad,
What projects States-men use to gain esteeme,
And eagerly I still observed them.
For this same Idol Honour was the Saint
Which I ador'd, and for whose Shrine I meant,
Rather then by my weaknesse it should fall,
To hazard Body, State, Renown, and all.

For my She-Ape, I mean my plumed Ladie,
Our loves were both indifferent as may be;
For either heat of Summer, or for hate
To Nuptial servitude, or for more state,
Though we did plead distemper of the wether,
Seldome or never lay we both together.
For this my Leaguers told me forain States
Observ'd, and this my Honour imitates.
Yet did my Lady play me once a trick,
Pretending on a day, that she was sick,
So as a Doctor might be sent for streight,
(Lucina rather, for to make her light)

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For first news that I heard, God send me joy,
My Fates had blest me with a goodly Boy;
Yet might I eaten all my part of him,
without committing any mortal sin.
But yet I seem'd to joy much in the Lad,
As if he hed been mine, and I his Dad;
Whereas in truth, I probably could gather,
My Page, and not my Honour, was his Father.
All these could I dispence with as light Crimes,
Being scarce held for errors in these times,
Provided that my Lady look unto it,
And thenceforth sought more secretly to do it.
For well I knew, if I divorce did wish,
I could procure 't for lesser faults then this;
But much I doubted, she would turn flat Rorer,
And doe as other some had done before her,
Taxe my debility since she was wedded,
Which foul aspertion would have split my credit.
But now the Wagg is grown a Boy of prize,
Inur'd to ev'ry Lordly exercise;
Though in the height of all his hopes I doubt
Such Bastard-slips will never take deep root.

Now must I shew, to make my self displaid
In University, what tricks I plai'd.
If any Dunse had but desire to skip
To the preferment of a Fellowship,
Were he ne're so uncapable of it,
I was a means that he the place might git;
Provided that his Parents made him way,
And for his insufficiency would pay.

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Then thick as haile-shot did my Letters go
To such a Doctor and She-Doctor too,
That as he tendred the respect I bore him,
He should prefer none to this place before him
Whom in my Letters I had so commended,
Thus was my Suit effectually ended.
And reason good they had to yeeld consent,
And in my Suits to give me all content,
For now and then some notice would I send them
Of such a late fallen Living, or Commendam,
Which I resolv'd, such was my zealous care,
To give to them whose lives most blamelesse were.
Though all my aimes were rather to procure
Gaine to my self, were th'means nere so impure,
Then place such men, whose life and conversation
Deserv'd my love with choicest approbation.
In Country too, had I my Tarriers laid,
By whose Intelligence such tricks were plaid,
As I may swear, when I doe think upon them
I needs must laugh, so nimbly have I don them.
When I did heare One had desire to get
Unto the title of a Baronet,
Or that his itching humor did aspire
To leap to Knight before he was Esquire;
By these my Tarriers I made known unto him,
I'de doe him all the kindenesse I could do him,
But for the price of Honour, it was more
By means of some occurrents then before;
Besides, he should have some additions granted,
Which all his former honour'd Neighbours wanted.

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And thus I soakt my spungie Knight, that he
Might honour gain to cope with Beggerie.

Again, if any one within our Nation
Had a desire to get a Toleration
In matters of Religion, I'de procure
He might enjoy his Conscience so secure
As none should trouble him; provided, he
Did but observe and keep true touch with me.
And yet would I, enforc't sometimes by want,
Practise right closely with a Pursivant
To ferret him, and get a composition,
And yet this Act ne're mov'd me to Contrition.
But much abridg'd our profit now of late is
Since Papists may have Tolerations gratis.
Have Tolerations! no, that time is past,
Since hope to match with Spain is wholy dasht:
Anselme and Wright are now return'd again,
And left the English pale to visit Spain.
Yea, our State-Agents carefully have sought
That th'Spanish Legat to account be brought,
Whether he hath (for this they seek to know)
Exceeded his Commission, or no.
If this report be true, Shavelins adieu,
The State intends but little good for you.
But I doe heare a motion like to be,
Which, I confesse, doth much distemper me;
But rather then the State consent unto it,
I will by all means labour to undo it.
And it is this, Some Protestants complain,
But their complaints, I hope, will be in vain,

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That they are almost weary of their lives,
They pay so much for th'Conscience of their wives.
The light of Protestancie darts upon us,
And drives two hundred fiftie five Priests from us.
Which to redress, they crave (as doth become them)
The State would take commiseration on them:
Which, in good sadnesse, I must needs confesse,
Deserves, in each mans judgement, due redresse:
For it doth little stand with Conscience,
That th'husband he should pay for th'wifes offence,
Seeing among them there's scarce one of seven,
That by their Husbands will be lead or driven.
But what's all this to me, though they fare worse,
I aime not at their Conscience, but their Purse.
In brief, were he Monopolist, or any
Who to enrich himself undoeth many;
Were he Engrosser, who, if he may serve
His own base turn, cares not how many sterve;
Were he Forestaller and Regrater too,
Whose use is all our Merkets to undo,
Made he recourse to me, he might alledge,
By vertue of my powerfull priviledge,
His Liberty, whats'ever should befall,
In spite of any Justice of them all.

Thus like a nimble Honour-prizing Ape,
I have transform'd my self to ev'ry shape;
That by this means I might insinuate
By secret paths, into anothers state,

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And so support mine own, which would decline
If others were not props to bear up mine.
Now when I'me dead, some by my Tombe will pass,
And say perchance, Here lyes Pherecidas,
Venting aspersions on me as they please,
As that I di'de some lousie vile disease,
Or of some State-Impostume swoln so big
It had no cure but dy a Spanish Fig,
Or scorcht with some outlandish Tinder-box,
Di'de eaten by the Bubo, Piles, or Pox.
Thus must my styles and titles be forgotten,
And rot on Earth, as I on Earth was rotten.
Thus all lifes pleasure's but a bussing game,
Which leaves us liqu'risher then when we came:
Some glim'ring raies of honour we may get,
Which once obscur'd, streight is our Summer set.
But this I seldom think on, I've no time,
Mine aime is to advance these Imps of mine,
Whose shade shall spread so broad, as none may doubt
But they're derived from a spatious root.
Now I referre it to your self to show
Whether your Ape deserve not praise or no.

Vid. Tract entituled, The Foot out of the Snare, in his Catalogue of Popish Priests names.