 | Every Man in his Humour |  |
Act IV, Scene v
[Enter] MATTHEW, EDWARD, BOBADILL [and] STEPHENMATTHEW
Sir, did your eyes ever taste the like clown of him, where we were today, Master Wellbred's half-brother? I think the whole earth cannot show his parallel, by this daylight.
EDWARD
We were now speaking of him: Captain Bobadill tells me he is fall'n foul o' you, too.
MATTHEW
Oh, aye, sir, he threatened me with the bastinado.
BOBADILL
Aye, but I think I taught you prevention, this morning, for that-- You shall kill him, beyond question; if you be so generously minded.
MATTHEW
Indeed, it is a most excellent trick! Practices at a post
BOBADILL
Oh, you do not give spirit enough to your motion, you are too tardy, too heavy! Oh, it must be done like lightning: hai!
MATTHEW
Rare, Captain!
BOBADILL
Tut, 'tis nothing an't be not done in a--punto!
EDWARD
Captain, did you ever prove yourself upon any of our masters of defence, here?
MATTHEW
Oh, good sir! Yes, I hope, he has.
BOBADILL
I will tell you, sir. Upon my first coming to the city, after my long travail for knowledge (in that mystery only), there came three or four of 'em to me, at a gentleman's house, where it was my chance to be resident at that time, to entreat my presence at their schools, and withal so much importuned me that (I protest to you as I am a gentleman) I was ashamed of their rude demeanour, out of all measure. Well, I told 'em that to come to a public school, they should pardon me, it was opposite (in diameter) to my humour, but, if so they would give their attendance at my lodging, I protested to do them what right or favour I could, as I was a gentleman, and so forth.
EDWARD
So, sir, then you tried their skill?
BOBADILL
Alas, soon tried! You shall hear sir. Within two or three days after, they came; and, by honesty, fair sir, believe me, I graced them exceedingly, showed them some two or three tricks of prevention have purchased 'em, since, a credit, to admiration! They cannot deny this; and yet now, they hate me, and why? Because I am excellent, and for no other vile reason on the earth.
This is strange, and barbarous, as ever I heard!
BOBADILL
Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous natures, but note, sir. They have assaulted me some three, four, five, six of them together, as I have walked alone, in divers skirts i' the town, as Turnbull, Whitechapel, Shoreditch, which were then my quarters, and since upon the Exchange, at my lodging, and at my ordinary; where I have driven them afore me, the whole length of a street, in the open view of all our gallants, pitying to hurt them, believe me. Yet, all this lenity will not o'ercome their spleen: they will be doing with the pismire, raising a hill a man may spurn abroad, with his foot, at pleasure. By myself, I could have slain them all, but I delight not in murder. I am loath to bear any other than this bastinado for 'em; yet, I hold it good polity not to go disarmed, for though I be skilful, I may be oppressed with multitudes.
EDWARD
Aye, believe me, may you sir; and (in my conceit) our whole nation should sustain the loss by it, if it were so.
BOBADILL
Alas, no: what's a peculiar man, to a nation? Not seen.
EDWARD
Oh, but your skill, sir!
BOBADILL
Indeed, that might be some loss; but, who respects it? I will tell you, sir, by the way of private, and under seal; I am a gentleman, and live here obscure, and to myself; but, were I known to Her Majesty and the Lords (observe me) I would undertake (upon this poor head, and life), for the public benefit of the state, not only to spare the entire lives of her subjects in general, but to save the one half, nay, three parts of her yearly charge in holding war, and against what enemy soever. And, how would I do it, think you?
EDWARD
Nay, I know not, nor can I conceive.
BOBADILL
Why, thus, sir. I would select nineteen more, to myself, throughout the land: gentlemen they should be of good spirit, strong, and able constitution, I would choose them by an instinct, a character, that I have; and I would teach these nineteen the special rules, as your punto, your reverso, your stoccata, your imbroccata, your passada, your montanto; till they could all play very near, or altogether as well as myself. This done, say the enemy were forty thousand strong, we twenty would come into the field, the tenth of March, or thereabouts; and we would challenge twenty of the enemy; they could not, in their honour, refuse us; well, we would kill them; challenge twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them too; and thus would we kill, every man, his twenty a day, that's twenty score; twenty score, that's two hundred; two hundred a day, five days a thousand; forty thousand; forty times five, five times forty, two hundred days kills them all up, by computation. And this will I venture my poor gentleman-like carcass to perform (provided there be no treason practiced upon us) by fair and discreet manhood, that is, civilly by the sword.
Why, are you so sure of your hand, Captain, at all times?
BOBADILL
Tut, never miss thrust, upon my reputation with you.
EDWARD
I would not stand in Downright's state, then, an' you meet him, for the wealth of any one street in London.
BOBADILL
Why, sir, you mistake me! If he were here now, by this welkin, I would not draw my weapon on him! Let this gentleman do his mind; but, I will bastinado him (by the bright sun) wherever I meet him.
MATTHEW
Faith, and I'll have a fling at him, at my distance.
EDWARD
God's so', look where he is: yonder he goes.
DOWNRIGHT
Walks over the stage What peevish luck have I, I cannot meet with those bragging rascals?
BOBADILL
It's not he? Is it?
EDWARD
Yes, faith, it is he.
[Exit DOWNRIGHT]
MATTHEW
I'll be hanged, then, if that were he.
EDWARD
Sir, keep your hanging good for some greater matter, for I assure you, that was he.
STEPHEN
Upon my reputation, it was he.
BOBADILL
Had I thought it had been he, he must not have gone so; but I can hardly be induced to believe it was he, yet.
EDWARD
That I think, sir. But see, he is come again!
[Enter DOWNRIGHT]
DOWNRIGHT
Oh, Pharaoh's foot, have I found you? Come, draw, to your tools: draw, gipsy, or I'll thrash you.
BOBADILL
Gentleman of valour, I do believe in thee, hear me--
DOWNRIGHT
Draw your weapon, then.
BOBADILL
Tall man, I never thought on it till now (body of me): I had a warrant of the peace served on me, even now, as I came along, by a water-bearer; this gentleman saw it, Master Matthew.
DOWNRIGHT
'Sdeath, you will not draw, then?
He beats him, and disarms him: MATTHEW runs away
BOBADILL
Hold, hold, under thy favour, forbear.
DOWNRIGHT
Prate again, as you like this, you whoreson foist, you. You'll control the point, you? Your consort is gone? Had he stayed, he had shared with you, sir.
[Exit]
BOBADILL
Well, gentlemen, bear witness, I was bound to the peace, by this good day.
EDWARD
No, faith, it's an ill day, Captain, never reckon it other; but say you were bound to the peace, the law allows you to defend yourself: that'll prove but a poor excuse.
BOBADILL
I cannot tell, sir. I desire good construction, in fair sort. I never sustained the like disgrace (by heaven), sure I was struck with a planet thence, for I had no power to touch my weapon.
EDWARD
Aye, like enough, I have heard of many that have been beaten under a planet: go, get you to a surgeon.
[Exit BOBADILL]'Slid, an' these be your tricks, your passadas, and your montantos, I'll none of them. Oh, manners! That this
STEPHEN
Mass, I'll ha' this cloak.
EDWARD
God's will, 'tis Downright's.
STEPHEN
Nay, it's mine now, another might have ta'en up, as well as I: I'll wear it, so I will.
EDWARD
How an' he see it? He'll challenge it, assure yourself.
STEPHEN
Aye, but he shall not ha' it: I'll say I bought it.
EDWARD
Take heed you buy it not too dear, coz.
[Exeunt]
| Every Man in his Humour | |