 | Every Man in his Humour |  |
Act IV
Act IV, Scene i
[Enter] DOWNRIGHT [and] DAME KITELYDOWNRIGHT
Well, sister, I tell you true; and you'll find it so, in the end.
DAME KITELY
Alas, brother, what would you have me to do? I cannot help it: you see, my brother brings 'em in here, they are his friends.
DOWNRIGHT
His friends? His fiends. 'Slud, they do nothing but haunt him, up and down, like a sort of unlucky sprites, and tempt him to all manner of villainy that can be thought of. Well, by this light, a little thing would make me play the devil with some of 'em; an't were not more for your husband's sake than anything else, I'd make the house too hot for the best on 'em: they should say, and swear, hell were broken loose ere they went hence. But, by God's will, 'tis nobody's fault but yours: for, an' you had done as you might have done, they should have been parboiled, and baked too, every mother's son, ere they should ha' come in, e'er a one of 'em.
DAME KITELY
God's my life! Did you ever hear the like? What a strange man is this! Could I keep out all them, think you? I should put myself against half a dozen men, should I? Good faith, you'd mad the patient'st body in the world, to hear you talk so, without any sense or reason!
[Enter] MISTRESS BRIDGET, MASTER MATTHEW, [and] BOBADILL, [followed by] WELLBRED, STEPHEN, EDWARD [and] BRAINWORM
BRIDGET
Of your wit's treasure, thus to pour it forth
Upon so mean a subject as my worth.
MATTHEW
You say well, mistress; and I mean as well.
Hoy-day, here is stuff!
WELLBRED
Oh, now stand close; pray heaven she can get him to read; he should do it of his own natural impudency.
BRIDGET
Servant, what is this same, I pray you?
MATTHEW
Marry, an elegy, an elegy, an odd toy--
DOWNRIGHT
To mock an ape withal. Oh, I could sew up his mouth now.
DAME KITELY
Sister, I pray you let's hear it.
DOWNRIGHT
Are you rhyme-given, too?
MATTHEW
Mistress, I'll read it, if you please.
BRIDGET
Pray you do, servant.
DOWNRIGHT
Oh, here's no foppery! Death, I can endure the stocks better.
[Exit]
EDWARD
What ails thy brother? Can he not hold his water at reading of a ballad?
WELLBRED
Oh, no: a rhyme to him is worse than cheese or a bagpipe. But, mark, you lose the protestation.
MATTHEW
Faith, I did it in an humour: I know not how it is; but, please you come near, sir. This gentleman has judgement, he knows how to censure of a--pray you sir, you can judge.
STEPHEN
Not I, sir: upon my reputation, and by the foot of Pharaoh.
WELLBRED
Oh, chide your cousin for swearing.
EDWARD
Not I, so long as he does not forswear himself.
BOBADILL
Master Matthew, you abuse the expectation of your dear mistress, and her fair sister: fie, while you live, avoid this prolixity.
MATTHEW
I shall, sir: well, Incipere dulce.
EDWARD
How! Insipere dulce? A sweet thing to be a fool, indeed.
WELLBRED
What, do you take Incipere in that sense?
EDWARD
You do not? You? This was your villainy, to gull him with a mot.
WELLBRED
Oh, the benchers' phrase: pauca verba, pauca verba.
MATTHEW
Would God my rude words had the influence,
To rule thy thoughts, as thy fair looks do mine,
Then should'st thou be his prisoner, who is thine.
EDWARD
This is in Hero and Leander?
WELLBRED
Oh, ay! Peace, we shall have more of this.
MATTHEW
Is of behaviour boisterous, and rough.
WELLBRED
How like you that, sir?
MASTER STEPHEN answers with shaking his head
EDWARD
'Slight, he shakes his head like a bottle, to feel and there be any brain in it!
MATTHEW
And I in duty will exceed all other,
As you in beauty do excel love's mother.
EDWARD
Well, I'll have him free of the wit-brokers, for he utters nothing but stol'n remnants.
Oh, forgive it him.
EDWARD
A filching rogue? Hang him. And from the dead? It's worse than sacrilege.
WELLBRED
Sister, what ha' you here? Verses? Pray you, let's see. Who made these verses? They are excellent good!
MATTHEW
Oh, Master Wellbred, 'tis your disposition to say so sir. They were good i' the morning, I made 'em, extempore, this morning.
WELLBRED
How? Extempore?
MATTHEW
I would I might be hanged else; ask Captain Bobadill. He saw me write them, at the--(pox on it) the Star, yonder.
BRAINWORM
Can he find, in his heart, to curse the stars so?
EDWARD
Faith, his are even with him: they ha' cursed him enough already.
STEPHEN
Cousin, how do you like this gentleman's verses?
EDWARD
Oh, admirable! The best that ever I heard, coz!
STEPHEN
Body o' Caesar! They are admirable! The best that ever I heard, as I am a soldier.
[Enter DOWNRIGHT]
DOWNRIGHT
I am vexed, I can hold ne'er a bone of me still! Heart! I think they mean to build and breed here!
WELLBRED
Sister, you have a simple servant here, that crowns your beauty with such encomions, and devices; you may see what it is to be the mistress of a wit that can make your perfections so transparent that every blear eye may look through them, and see him drowned over head and ears, in the deep well of desire. Sister Kitely, I marvel you get you not a servant that can rhyme and do tricks, too.
DOWNRIGHT
Oh, monster! Impudence itself! Tricks?
DAME KITELY
Tricks, brother? What tricks?
BRIDGET
Nay, speak, I pray you, what tricks?
DAME KITELY
Aye, never spare anybody here; but say, what tricks?
BRIDGET
Passion of my heart! Do tricks?
WELLBRED
'Slight, here's a trick vied, and revied! Why, you monkeys, you! What a caterwauling do you keep? Has he not given you rhymes, and verses, and tricks?
DOWNRIGHT
Oh, the fiend!
WELLBRED
Nay, you, lamp of virginity, that take it in snuff so! Come and cherish this tame 'poetical fury' in your servant, you'll be begged else, shortly, for a concealment: go to, reward his muse. You cannot give him less than a shilling, in conscience, for the book he had it out of cost him a teston, at least. How now, gallants? Master Matthew? Captain? What? All sons of silence? No spirit?
DOWNRIGHT
Come, you might practice your ruffian-tricks somewhere else, and not here, I wuss: this is no tavern, nor drinking-school, to vent your exploits in.
WELLBRED
How now! Whose cow has calved?
Marry, that has mine, sir. Nay, boy, never look askance at me for the matter; I'll tell you of it, aye, sir, you, and your companions, mend yourselves, when I ha' done.
WELLBRED
My companions?
DOWNRIGHT
Yes sir, your companions, so I say, I am not afraid of you, nor them neither: your hang-bys here. You must have your poets, and your potlings, your soldados, and foolados, to follow you up and down the city, and here they must come to domineer, and swagger. [To MATTHEW and BOBADILL] Sirrah, you, ballad-singer, and slops, your fellow there, get you out: get you home; or, by this steel, I'll cut off your ears, and that presently.
WELLBRED
'Slight, stay, let's see what he dare do: cut off his ears? Cut a whetstone. You are an ass, do you see? Touch any man here, and by this hand, I'll run my rapier to the hilts in you.
DOWNRIGHT
Yea, that would I fain see, boy. They all draw, and they of the house make out to part them
DAME KITELY
Oh Jesu! Murder! Thomas, Gaspar!
[Enter CASH]
BRIDGET
Help, help, Thomas.
EDWARD
Gentlemen, forebear, I pray you.
BOBADILL
Well, sirrah, you, Holofernes: by my hand, I will pink your flesh full of holes with my rapier for this; I will, by this good heaven. They offer to fight again, and are parted Nay, let him come, let him come, gentlemen, by the body of St. George, I'll not kill him.
CASH
Hold, hold, good gentlemen.
DOWNRIGHT
You whoreson, bragging coistril.
[Enter] KITELY
KITELY
Whence springs this quarrel? Thomas! Where is he?
Put up your weapons, and put off this rage.
My wife and sister, they are the cause of this--
What, Thomas? Where is this knave?
CASH
Here, sir.
WELLBRED
Come, let's go: this is one of my brother's ancient humours, this.
STEPHEN
I am glad nobody was hurt by his ancient humour.
[Exeunt WELLBRED, STEPHEN, EDWARD, MATTHEW, BOBADILL and BRAINWORM]
KITELY
Why, how now, brother, who enforced this brawl?
DOWNRIGHT
A sort of lewd rakehells, that care neither for God, nor the devil! And they must come here to read ballads, and roguery, and trash! I'll mar the knot of 'em ere I sleep, perhaps; especially Bob, there: he that's all manner of shapes! And 'Songs and Sonnets', his fellow.
BRIDGET
Too sudden, in your humour; and you know
Any reproof, chiefly in such a presence,
Where every slight disgrace he should receive
Might wound him in opinion and respect.
DOWNRIGHT
As ha' nor spark of manhood, nor good manners?
'Sdeynes, I am ashamed to hear you! Respect?
[Exit]
BRIDGET
And very worthily demeaned himself!
KITELY
BRIDGET
You'd pay my portion sooner than you think for.
DAME KITELY
Indeed, he seemed to be a gentleman of an exceeding fair disposition, and of very excellent good parts!
[Exeunt DAME KITELY and BRIDGET]
KITELY
Fair disposition? Excellent good parts?
Death, these phrases are intolerable!
Good parts? How should she know his parts?
His parts? Well, well, well, well, well, well!
It is too plain, too clear. Thomas, come hither.
What, are they gone?
CASH
My mistress, and your sister--
KITELY
CASH
KITELY
CASH
KITELY
What gentleman was that they praised so, Thomas?
CASH
One, they call him Master Knowell, a handsome young gentleman, sir.
KITELY
I'll die but they have hid him i' the house,
Somewhere; I'll go and search. Go with me, Thomas.
Be true to me, and thou shalt find me a master.
[Exeunt]
Act IV, Scene ii
[Enter] COBCOB
[Knocking]
What, Tib! Tib, I say!
TIB
[Within]
How now, what cuckold is that knocks so hard? [Opens the door] Oh, husband, is't you? What's the news?
COB
Nay, you have stunned me, i' faith! You ha' giv'n me a knock o' the forehead will stick by me! Cuckold? 'Slid, cuckold?
TIB
Away, you fool, did I know it was you, that knocked?
COB
May I? Tib, you are a whore.
TIB
You lie in your throat, husband.
COB
How, the lie? And in my throat too? Do you long to be stabbed, ha?
TIB
Why, you are no soldier, I hope?
COB
Oh, must you be stabbed by a soldier? Mass, that's true! When was Bobadill here? Your captain? That rogue, that foist, that fencing Burgullian? I'll tickle him, i' faith.
TIB
Why, what's the matter? Trow!
COB
Oh, he has basted me, rarely, sumptuously! But I have it here in black and white,
[Shows his warrant]for his black and blue, shall pay him. Oh, the Justice! The honestest old brave Trojan in London! I do honour the very flea of his dog. A plague on him though, he put me once in a villainous filthy fear; marry, it vanished away, like the smoke of tobacco; but I was smoked soundly first. I thank the devil, and his good angel, my guest. Well, wife, or Tib (which you will), get you in, and lock the door, I charge you, let nobody in to you; wife, nobody in to you: those are my words. Not Captain Bob himself, nor the fiend in his likeness; you are a woman; you have flesh and blood enough in you, to be tempted: therefore, keep the door, shut upon all comers.
TIB
I warrant you, there shall nobody enter here, without my consent.
COB
Nor with your consent, sweet Tib, and so I leave you.
TIB
It's more than you know, whether you leave me so.
COB
How?
TIB
Why, sweet.
COB
Keep close thy door, I ask no more.
[Exit COB and TIB, separately]
Act IV, Scene iii
[Enter] EDWARD, WELLBRED, STEPHEN [and] BRAINWORM [still disguised]EDWARD
Well, Brainworm, perform this business happily, and thou makest a purchase of my love forever.
WELLBRED
I' faith, now let thy spirits use their best faculties. But, at any hand, remember the message to my brother: for there's no other means to start him.
BRAINWORM
I warrant you, sir, fear nothing: I have a nimble soul has waked all forces of my fancy, by this time, and put 'em in true motion. What you have possessed me withal, I'll discharge it amply, sir. Make it no question.
Forth, and prosper, Brainworm. [Exit BRAINWORM] Faith, Ned, how dost thou approve of my abilities in this device?
EDWARD
Troth, well, howsoever; but it will come excellent, if it take.
WELLBRED
Take, man? Why, it cannot choose but take, if the circumstances miscarry not; but, tell me, ingenuously, dost thou affect my sister Bridget, as thou pretend'st?
EDWARD
Friend, am I worth belief?
WELLBRED
Come, do not protest. In faith, she is a maid of good ornament, and much modesty; and, except I conceived very worthily of her, thou shouldest not have her.
EDWARD
Nay, that I am afraid will be a question yet, whether I shall have her, or no.
WELLBRED
'Slid, thou shalt have her: by this light, thou shalt.
EDWARD
Nay, do not swear.
WELLBRED
By this hand, thou shalt have her: I'll go fetch her, presently. Point but where to meet, and as I am an honest man, I'll bring her.
EDWARD
Hold, hold, be temperate.
WELLBRED
Why, by--what shall I swear by? Thou shalt have her, as I am--
EDWARD
'Pray thee, be at peace, I am satisfied; and do believe thou wilt omit no offered occasion to make my desires complete.
WELLBRED
Thou shalt see, and know, I will not.
[Exeunt]
Act IV, Scene iv
[Enter] FORMAL [and] KNOWELLFORMAL
Was your man a soldier, sir?
KNOWELL
This morning, as I came over Moorfields!
Where, i' the name of sloth, could you be thus--
BRAINWORM
Marry, peace be my comfort, where I thought I should have had little comfort of your worship's service.
KNOWELL
How so?
BRAINWORM
Oh, sir! Your coming to the city, your entertainment of me, and your sending me to watch--indeed, all the circumstances either of your charge, or my employment--are as open to your son as to yourself!
KNOWELL
Have told him of the letter, and discovered
All that I strictly charged him to conceal? 'Tis so!
BRAINWORM
I am partly o' the faith 'tis so indeed.
KNOWELL
But, how should he know thee to be my man?
Nay, sir, I cannot tell; unless it be by the black art! Is not your son a scholar, sir?
KNOWELL
Unto such hellish practices: if it were,
I had just cause to weep my part in him,
And curse the time of his creation.
But, where didst thou find them, Fitzsword?
BRAINWORM
You should rather ask, where they found me, sir, for I'll be sworn I was going along in the street, thinking nothing, when (of a sudden) a voice calls, 'Master Knowell's man'; another cries, 'Soldier'; and thus, half a dozen of 'em, till they had called me within a house where I no sooner came but they seemed men, and out flew all their rapiers at my bosom, with some three- or four-score oaths to accompany 'em, and all to tell me I was but a dead man, if I did not confess where you were, and how I was employed, and about what; which, when they could not get out of me (as I protest, they must ha' dissected and made an anatomy o' me first, and so I told 'em) they locked me up into a room i' the top of a high house, whence, by great miracle (having a light heart) I slid down, by a bottom of packthread, into the street, and so 'scaped. But, sir, thus much I can assure you, for I heard it while I was locked up, there were a great many rich merchants, and brave citizens' wives with 'em at a feast, and your son, Master Edward, withdrew with one of 'em, and has 'pointed to meet her anon, at one Cob's house, a water-bearer that dwells by the wall. Now, there your worship shall be sure to take him, for there he preys, and fail he will not.
KNOWELL
Go thou along with Justice Clement's man,
And stay there for me. At one Cob's house, say'st thou?
BRAINWORM
Aye, sir, there you shall have him.
[Exit KNOWELL]Yes? Invisible? Much wench, or much son! 'Slight, when he has stayed there, three or four hours, travailing with the expectation of wonders, and at length be delivered of air; oh, the sport that I should then take, to look on him, if I durst! But now I mean to appear no more afore him in this shape. I have another trick to act yet. Oh, that I were so happy as to light on a nupson, now, of this Justice's novice.
[To FORMAL]Sir, I make you stay somewhat long.
FORMAL
Not a whit, sir. 'Pray you, what do you mean? Sir?
BRAINWORM
I was putting up some papers--
FORMAL
You ha' been lately in the wars, sir, it seems.
BRAINWORM
Marry have I, sir; to my loss; and expense of all, almost--
FORMAL
Troth, sir, I would be glad to bestow a pottle of wine o' you, if it please you to accept it--
BRAINWORM
Oh, sir-
FORMAL
But to hear the manner of your services, and your devices in the wars, they say they be very strange, and not like those a man reads in the Roman histories, or sees at Mile End.
No, I assure you, sir; why, at any time when it please you, I shall be ready to discourse to you, all I know;
[Aside]and more too, somewhat.
FORMAL
No better time than now, sir: we'll go to the Windmill; there we shall have a cup of neat grist, we call it. I pray you, sir, let me request you to the Windmill.
BRAINWORM
I'll follow you, sir,
[Aside]and make grist o' you, if I have good luck.
[Exeunt]Act IV, Scene v
[Enter] MATTHEW, EDWARD, BOBADILL [and] STEPHENMATTHEW
Sir, did your eyes ever taste the like clown of him, where we were today, Master Wellbred's half-brother? I think the whole earth cannot show his parallel, by this daylight.
EDWARD
We were now speaking of him: Captain Bobadill tells me he is fall'n foul o' you, too.
MATTHEW
Oh, aye, sir, he threatened me with the bastinado.
BOBADILL
Aye, but I think I taught you prevention, this morning, for that-- You shall kill him, beyond question; if you be so generously minded.
MATTHEW
Indeed, it is a most excellent trick! Practices at a post
BOBADILL
Oh, you do not give spirit enough to your motion, you are too tardy, too heavy! Oh, it must be done like lightning: hai!
MATTHEW
Rare, Captain!
BOBADILL
Tut, 'tis nothing an't be not done in a--punto!
EDWARD
Captain, did you ever prove yourself upon any of our masters of defence, here?
MATTHEW
Oh, good sir! Yes, I hope, he has.
BOBADILL
I will tell you, sir. Upon my first coming to the city, after my long travail for knowledge (in that mystery only), there came three or four of 'em to me, at a gentleman's house, where it was my chance to be resident at that time, to entreat my presence at their schools, and withal so much importuned me that (I protest to you as I am a gentleman) I was ashamed of their rude demeanour, out of all measure. Well, I told 'em that to come to a public school, they should pardon me, it was opposite (in diameter) to my humour, but, if so they would give their attendance at my lodging, I protested to do them what right or favour I could, as I was a gentleman, and so forth.
EDWARD
So, sir, then you tried their skill?
BOBADILL
Alas, soon tried! You shall hear sir. Within two or three days after, they came; and, by honesty, fair sir, believe me, I graced them exceedingly, showed them some two or three tricks of prevention have purchased 'em, since, a credit, to admiration! They cannot deny this; and yet now, they hate me, and why? Because I am excellent, and for no other vile reason on the earth.
This is strange, and barbarous, as ever I heard!
BOBADILL
Nay, for a more instance of their preposterous natures, but note, sir. They have assaulted me some three, four, five, six of them together, as I have walked alone, in divers skirts i' the town, as Turnbull, Whitechapel, Shoreditch, which were then my quarters, and since upon the Exchange, at my lodging, and at my ordinary; where I have driven them afore me, the whole length of a street, in the open view of all our gallants, pitying to hurt them, believe me. Yet, all this lenity will not o'ercome their spleen: they will be doing with the pismire, raising a hill a man may spurn abroad, with his foot, at pleasure. By myself, I could have slain them all, but I delight not in murder. I am loath to bear any other than this bastinado for 'em; yet, I hold it good polity not to go disarmed, for though I be skilful, I may be oppressed with multitudes.
EDWARD
Aye, believe me, may you sir; and (in my conceit) our whole nation should sustain the loss by it, if it were so.
BOBADILL
Alas, no: what's a peculiar man, to a nation? Not seen.
EDWARD
Oh, but your skill, sir!
BOBADILL
Indeed, that might be some loss; but, who respects it? I will tell you, sir, by the way of private, and under seal; I am a gentleman, and live here obscure, and to myself; but, were I known to Her Majesty and the Lords (observe me) I would undertake (upon this poor head, and life), for the public benefit of the state, not only to spare the entire lives of her subjects in general, but to save the one half, nay, three parts of her yearly charge in holding war, and against what enemy soever. And, how would I do it, think you?
EDWARD
Nay, I know not, nor can I conceive.
BOBADILL
Why, thus, sir. I would select nineteen more, to myself, throughout the land: gentlemen they should be of good spirit, strong, and able constitution, I would choose them by an instinct, a character, that I have; and I would teach these nineteen the special rules, as your punto, your reverso, your stoccata, your imbroccata, your passada, your montanto; till they could all play very near, or altogether as well as myself. This done, say the enemy were forty thousand strong, we twenty would come into the field, the tenth of March, or thereabouts; and we would challenge twenty of the enemy; they could not, in their honour, refuse us; well, we would kill them; challenge twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them; twenty more, kill them too; and thus would we kill, every man, his twenty a day, that's twenty score; twenty score, that's two hundred; two hundred a day, five days a thousand; forty thousand; forty times five, five times forty, two hundred days kills them all up, by computation. And this will I venture my poor gentleman-like carcass to perform (provided there be no treason practiced upon us) by fair and discreet manhood, that is, civilly by the sword.
Why, are you so sure of your hand, Captain, at all times?
BOBADILL
Tut, never miss thrust, upon my reputation with you.
EDWARD
I would not stand in Downright's state, then, an' you meet him, for the wealth of any one street in London.
BOBADILL
Why, sir, you mistake me! If he were here now, by this welkin, I would not draw my weapon on him! Let this gentleman do his mind; but, I will bastinado him (by the bright sun) wherever I meet him.
MATTHEW
Faith, and I'll have a fling at him, at my distance.
EDWARD
God's so', look where he is: yonder he goes.
DOWNRIGHT
Walks over the stage What peevish luck have I, I cannot meet with those bragging rascals?
BOBADILL
It's not he? Is it?
EDWARD
Yes, faith, it is he.
[Exit DOWNRIGHT]
MATTHEW
I'll be hanged, then, if that were he.
EDWARD
Sir, keep your hanging good for some greater matter, for I assure you, that was he.
STEPHEN
Upon my reputation, it was he.
BOBADILL
Had I thought it had been he, he must not have gone so; but I can hardly be induced to believe it was he, yet.
EDWARD
That I think, sir. But see, he is come again!
[Enter DOWNRIGHT]
DOWNRIGHT
Oh, Pharaoh's foot, have I found you? Come, draw, to your tools: draw, gipsy, or I'll thrash you.
BOBADILL
Gentleman of valour, I do believe in thee, hear me--
DOWNRIGHT
Draw your weapon, then.
BOBADILL
Tall man, I never thought on it till now (body of me): I had a warrant of the peace served on me, even now, as I came along, by a water-bearer; this gentleman saw it, Master Matthew.
DOWNRIGHT
'Sdeath, you will not draw, then?
He beats him, and disarms him: MATTHEW runs away
BOBADILL
Hold, hold, under thy favour, forbear.
DOWNRIGHT
Prate again, as you like this, you whoreson foist, you. You'll control the point, you? Your consort is gone? Had he stayed, he had shared with you, sir.
[Exit]
BOBADILL
Well, gentlemen, bear witness, I was bound to the peace, by this good day.
EDWARD
No, faith, it's an ill day, Captain, never reckon it other; but say you were bound to the peace, the law allows you to defend yourself: that'll prove but a poor excuse.
BOBADILL
I cannot tell, sir. I desire good construction, in fair sort. I never sustained the like disgrace (by heaven), sure I was struck with a planet thence, for I had no power to touch my weapon.
EDWARD
Aye, like enough, I have heard of many that have been beaten under a planet: go, get you to a surgeon.
[Exit BOBADILL]'Slid, an' these be your tricks, your passadas, and your montantos, I'll none of them. Oh, manners! That this
STEPHEN
Mass, I'll ha' this cloak.
EDWARD
God's will, 'tis Downright's.
STEPHEN
Nay, it's mine now, another might have ta'en up, as well as I: I'll wear it, so I will.
EDWARD
How an' he see it? He'll challenge it, assure yourself.
STEPHEN
Aye, but he shall not ha' it: I'll say I bought it.
EDWARD
Take heed you buy it not too dear, coz.
[Exeunt]
Act IV, Scene vi
[Enter] KITELY, WELLBRED, DAME KITELY, [and] BRIDGETKITELY
T' incense his anger, and disturb the peace
Of my poor house, where there are sentinels
That every minute watch, to give alarms
Of civil war, without adjection
Of your assistance, or occasion.
WELLBRED
No harm done, brother, I warrant you: since there is no harm done. Anger costs a man nothing; and a tall man is never his own man, till he be angry. To keep his valour in obscurity is to keep himself, as it were, in a cloak-bag. What's a musician, unless he play? What's a tall man, unless he fight? For, indeed, all this my wise brother stands upon, absolutely; and that made me fall in with him so resolutely.
DAME KITELY
Aye, but what harm might have come of it, brother?
WELLBRED
Might, sister? So, might the good warm clothes your husband wears be poisoned, for anything he knows; or the wholesome wine he drunk, even now, at the table--
KITELY
[Aside]
My wife drunk to me, last; and changed the cup;
And bade me wear this cursed suit today.
See if Heav'n suffer murder undiscovered!
Some mithridate and oil, good sister, fetch me;
Oh, I am sick at heart! I burn, I burn.
If you will save my life, go, fetch it me.
WELLBRED
Oh, strange humour! My very breath has poisoned him.
BRIDGET
Good brother, be content, what do you mean? The strength of these extreme conceits will kill you.
DAME KITELY
WELLBRED
Is a fit simile, a toy? Will he be poisoned with a simile? Brother Kitely, what a strange and idle imagination is this? For shame, be wiser. O' my soul, there's no such matter.
KITELY
Am I not sick? How am I, then, not poisoned? Am I not poisoned? How am I, then, so sick?
DAME KITELY
If you be sick, your own thoughts make you sick.
WELLBRED
His jealousy is the poison he has taken.
[Enter] BRAINWORM. He comes disguised like Justice Clement's man.
BRAINWORM
Master Kitely, my master, Justice Clement, salutes you; and desires to speak with you, with all possible speed.
KITELY
No time but now? When, I think, I am sick? Very sick! Well, I will wait upon his worship. Thomas! Cob!
[Aside]I must seek them out, and set 'em sentinels, till I return. Thomas! Cob! Thomas!
[Exit]
WELLBRED
[Takes BRAINWORM aside]
This is perfectly rare, Brainworm! But how got'st thou this apparel, of the Justice's man?
BRAINWORM
Marry sir, my proper fine pen-man would needs bestow the grist o' me, at the Windmill, to hear some martial discourse, where so I marshalled him that I made him drunk with admiration! And, because too much heat was the cause of his distemper, I stripped him stark naked, as he lay along asleep, and borrowed his suit, to deliver this counterfeit message in, leaving a rusty armour and an old brown bill to watch him, till my return; which shall be, when I ha' pawned his apparel, and spent the better part o' the money, perhaps.
WELLBRED
Well, thou art a successful merry knave, Brainworm, his absence will be a good subject for more mirth. I pray thee, return to thy young master, and will him to meet me, and my sister Bridget, at the Tower instantly: for here, tell him, the house is so stored with jealousy, there is no room for love to stand upright in. We must get our fortunes committed to some larger prison, say; and, than the Tower, I know no better air; nor where the liberty of the house may do us more present service. Away.
[Exit BRAINWORM]
[Enter KITELY and CASH]
KITELY
And thou shalt have it: lay to both thine ears.
Hark what I say to thee. I must go forth, Thomas.
Be careful of thy promise, keep good watch,
Note every gallant, and observe him well,
That enters in my absence, to thy mistress:
If she would show him rooms, the jest is stale,
Follow 'em, Thomas, or else hang on him,
And let him not go after; mark their looks;
Note if she offer but to see his band,
Or any other amorous toy, about him;
But praise his leg, or foot; or if she say,
The day is hot, and bid him feel her hand,
Note me all this, good Thomas, mark their sighs,
And, if they do but whisper, break 'em off:
I'll bear thee out in it. Wilt thou do this?
Will thou be true, my Thomas?
CASH
KITELY
Why, I believe thee; where is Cob, now? Cob?
[Exit]
DAME KITELY
He's ever calling for Cob! I wonder how he employs Cob so!
WELLBRED
Indeed, sister, to ask how he employs Cob is a necessary question for you, that are his wife, and a thing not very easy for you to be satisfied in; but this I'll assure you, Cob's wife is an excellent bawd, sister, and oftentimes your husband haunts her house, marry, to what end, I cannot altogether accuse him, imagine you what you think convenient. But, I have known fair hides have foul hearts ere now, sister.
DAME KITELY
Never said you truer than that, brother, so much I can tell you for your learning. Thomas, fetch your cloak, and go with me, I'll after him presently.
[Exit CASH]I would to fortune I could take him there, i' faith. I'd return him his own, I warrant him.
[Exit]
WELLBRED
So, let 'em go: this may make sport anon. Now, my fair sister-in-law, that you knew but how happy a thing it were to be fair and beautiful!
BRIDGET
That touches not me, brother.
WELLBRED
That's true; that's even the fault of it: for, indeed, beauty stands a woman in no stead, unless it procure her touching. But, sister, whether it touch you or no, it touches your beauties; and I am sure they will abide the touch. An' they do not, a plague of all ceruse, say I; and it touches me too in part, though not in the--Well, there's a dear and respected friend of mine, sister, stands very strongly, and worthily affected toward you, and hath vowed to inflame whole bonfires of zeal, at his heart, in honour of your perfections. I have already engaged my promise to bring you where you shall hear him confirm much more. Ned Knowell is the man, sister. There's no exception against the party. You are ripe for a husband; and a minute's loss to such an occasion is a great trespass in a wise beauty. What say you, sister? On my soul he loves you. Will you give him the meeting?
BRIDGET
Faith, I had very little confidence in mine own constancy, brother, if I durst not meet a man; but this motion of yours savours of an old knight-adventurer's servant a little too much, methinks.
WELLBRED
What's that, sister?
BRIDGET
Marry, of the squire.
WELLBRED
No matter if it did, I would be such an one for my friend, but see who is returned to hinder us!
[Enter KITELY]
KITELY
What villainy is this? Called out on a false message? There was some plot! I was not sent for. Bridget,
BRIDGET
I think she be gone forth, sir.
KITELY
How! Is my wife gone forth? Whither, for God's sake?
BRIDGET
She's gone abroad with Thomas.
KITELY
He hath discovered all unto my wife!
Beast that I was to trust him; whither, I pray you, went she?
BRIDGET
I know not, sir.
WELLBRED
I'll tell you, brother, whither I suspect she's gone.
KITELY
Whither, good brother?
WELLBRED
To Cob's house, I believe; but, keep my counsel.
KITELY
She's gone a' purpose, now, to cuckold me,
With that lewd rascal, who, to win her favour,
Hath told her all.
[Exit]
WELLBRED
Sister, let's lose no time: th' affair is worth it.
[Exeunt]
Act IV, Scene vii
[Enter] MATTHEW [and] BOBADILLMATTHEW
I wonder, Captain, what they will say of my going away? Ha?
BOBADILL
Why, what should they say, but as of a discreet gentleman? Quick, wary, respectful of nature's fair lineaments; and that's all.
MATTHEW
Why, so! But what can they say of your beating?
BOBADILL
A rude part, a touch with soft wood, a kind of gross battery used, laid on strongly, borne most patiently; and that's all.
MATTHEW
Aye, but would any man have offered it in Venice, as you say?
BOBADILL
Tut, I assure you, no: you shall have there your Nobilis, your Gentilezza, come in bravely upon your reverse, stand you close, stand you firm, stand you fair, save your retricato with his left leg, come to the assalto with the right, thrust with brave steel, defy your base wood! But wherefore do I awake this remembrance? I was fascinated, by Jupiter, fascinated: but I will be unwitched, and revenged, by law.
MATTHEW
Do you hear? Is't not best to get a warrant, and have him arrested, and brought before Justice Clement?
BOBADILL
It were not amiss: would we had it.
[Enter] BRAINWORM [disguised as FORMAL]
MATTHEW
Why, here comes his man, let's speak to him.
BOBADILL
Agreed, do you speak.
MATTHEW
Save you, sir.
BRAINWORM
With all my heart, sir.
MATTHEW
Sir, there is one Downright hath abused this gentleman, and myself, and we determine to make our amends by law; now, if you would do us the favour to procure a warrant, to bring afore your master,
BRAINWORM
Sir, you know my service is my living: such favours as these, gotten of my master, is his only preferment; and therefore you must consider me, as I may make benefit of my place.
MATTHEW
How is that, sir?
BRAINWORM
Faith, sir, the thing is extraordinary, and the gentleman may be of great accompt; yet, be what he will, if you will lay me down a brace of angels in my hand, you shall have it, otherwise not.
MATTHEW
How shall we do, Captain? He asks a brace of angels, you have no money?
BOBADILL
Not a cross, by fortune.
MATTHEW
Nor I, as I am a gentleman, but twopence, left of my two shillings in the morning for wine and radish: let's find him some pawn.
BOBADILL
Pawn? We have none to the value of his demand.
MATTHEW
Oh, yes. I'll pawn this jewel in my ear, and you may pawn your silk stockings, and pull up your boots, they will ne'er be missed; it must be done now.
BOBADILL
Well, an' there be no remedy; I'll step aside, and pull 'em off.
MATTHEW
Do you hear, sir? We have no store of money at this time, but you shall have good pawns: look you, sir, this jewel, and that gentleman's silk stockings, because we would have it dispatched ere we went to our chambers.
BRAINWORM
I am content, sir: I will get you the warrant presently; what's his name, say you? Downright?
MATTHEW
Aye, aye, George Downright.
BRAINWORM
What manner of man is he?
MATTHEW
A tall big man, sir; he goes in a cloak, most commonly, of silk russet, laid about with russet lace.
BRAINWORM
'Tis very good, sir.
MATTHEW
Here sir, here's my jewel.
BOBADILL
And here are stockings.
BRAINWORM
Well, gentlemen, I'll procure you this warrant presently, but who will you have to serve it?
MATTHEW
That's true, Captain; that must be considered.
BOBADILL
Body o' me, I know not! 'Tis service of danger!
BRAINWORM
Why, you were best get one o' the varlets o' the city, a sergeant. I'll appoint you one, if you please.
MATTHEW
Will you, sir? Why, we can wish no better.
BOBADILL
We'll leave it to you, sir.
[Exeunt BOBADILL and MATTHEW]
BRAINWORM
This is rare! Now will I go pawn this cloak of the Justice's man's at the brokers for a varlet's suit, and be the varlet myself; and get either more pawns, or more money of Downright, for the arrest.
Act IV, Scene viii
[Enter] KNOWELLKNOWELL
Oh, here it is, I am glad: I have found it now. Ho! Who is within, here?
TIB
[Within]
I am within sir, what's your pleasure?
KNOWELL
To know who is within, besides yourself.
TIB
Why, sir, you are no constable, I hope?
KNOWELL
You have some guests within deserve that fear,
I'll fetch him straight.
TIB
[Opens the door]
O' God's name, sir.
KNOWELL
Go to. Come, tell me, is not young Knowell here?
TIB
Young Knowell? I know none such, sir, o' mine honesty!
KNOWELL
There is no way but, fetch the constable.
TIB
The constable? The man is mad, I think.
[Exit, closing the door]
[Enter DAME KITELY and CASH]
CASH
Ho, who keeps house here?
KNOWELL
Now shall I meet him straight.
DAME KITELY
CASH
[Enter TIB]
TIB
Why, what's the matter with you?
DAME KITELY
Belike you get something to keep it shut.
TIB
DAME KITELY
KNOWELL
DAME KITELY
TIB
DAME KITELY
TIB
KNOWELL
DAME KITELY
Oh, sir, have I forestalled your honest market?
Found your close walks? You stand amazed, now, do you?
I' faith, I am glad, I have smoked you yet at last!
Where is your jewel, trow? In; come, let's see her
(Fetch forth your huswife, dame): if she be fairer,
In any honest judgement, than myself,
I'll be content with it; but, she is change,
She feeds you fat, she soothes your appetite,
Is meat twice sod to you, sir? Oh, you treacher!
KNOWELL
KITELY
Steal'st thou thus to thy haunts? And have I taken
Thy bawd, and thee, and thy companion,
Close at your villainy, and would'st thou 'scuse it,
With this stale harlot's jest, accusing me? To him
Oh, old incontinent, dost not thou shame,
When all thy powers' inchastity is spent,
To have a mind so hot? And to entice,
And feed th' enticements of a lustful woman?
DAME KITELY
KITELY
KNOWELL
KITELY
Thy guilty conscience will discover thee.
KNOWELL
KITELY
That make your husband such a hoddy-doddy;
And you, young apple-squire; and old cuckold-maker;
I'll ha' you every one before a justice:
Nay, you shall answer it, I charge you go.
KNOWELL
Though I do taste this as a trick, put on me
To punish my impertinent search--and justly;
And half forgive my son for the device.
KITELY
DAME KITELY
[Enter COB]
COB
KITELY
And i' thy house. Never was man so wronged!
COB
Who wrongs you in my house?
KITELY
Thy wife's their bawd, here have I taken 'em.
COB
How? Bawd? Is my house come to that? Am I preferred thither? Falls upon his wife and beats her Did I charge you to keep your doors shut, Is'bel? And do you let 'em open for all comers?
KNOWELL
This's madness in thee.
COB
KITELY
COB
TIB
Nay, I will go. I'll see an' you may be allowed to make a bundle o' hemp, o' your right and lawful wife thus, at every cuckoldly knave's pleasure. Why do you not go?
KITELY
A bitter quean. Come, we'll ha' you tamed.
[Exeunt]
Act IV, Scene ix
[Enter] BRAINWORM [disguised as a sergeant]BRAINWORM
Well, of all my disguises yet, now am I most like myself, being in this sergeant's gown. A man of my present profession never counterfeits, till he lays hold upon a debtor, and says, he 'rests him, for then he brings him to all manner of unrest. A kind of little kings we are, bearing the diminutive of a mace, made like a young artichoke, that always carries pepper and salt in itself. Well, I know not what danger I undergo by this exploit; pray heaven, I come well off.
[Enter MATTHEW and BOBADILL]
MATTHEW
See, I think yonder is the varlet, by his gown.
BOBADILL
Let's go in quest of him.
MATTHEW
'Save you, friend, are not you here by appointment of Justice Clement's man?
BRAINWORM
Yes, an't please you, sir: he told me two gentlemen had willed him to procure a warrant from his master, which I have about me, to be served on one Downright.
MATTHEW
It is honestly done of you both; and see where the party comes you must arrest. Serve it upon him, quickly, afore he be aware--
[Enter STEPHEN in DOWNRIGHT's cloak]
BOBADILL
Bear back, Master Matthew.
BRAINWORM
Master Downright, I arrest you, i' the Queen's name, and must carry you afore a Justice, by virtue of this warrant.
STEPHEN
Me, friend? I am no Downright, I, I am Master Stephen, you do not well to arrest me, I tell you, truly: I am in nobody's bonds, nor books, I, would you should know it. A plague on you heartily, for making me thus afraid afore my time.
BRAINWORM
Why, now are you deceived, gentlemen?
BOBADILL
He wears such a cloak, and that deceived us; but see, here 'a comes, indeed! This is he, officer.
[Enter DOWNRIGHT]
DOWNRIGHT
Why, how now, Signior Gull! Are you turned filcher of late? Come, deliver my cloak.
Your cloak, sir? I bought it, even now, in open market.
BRAINWORM
Master Downright, I have a warrant I must serve upon you, procured by these two gentlemen.
DOWNRIGHT
These gentlemen? These rascals?
[Raises his cudgel]BRAINWORM
Keep the peace, I charge you, in her Majesty's name.
DOWNRIGHT
I obey thee. What must I do, officer?
BRAINWORM
Go before Master Justice Clement, to answer what they can object against you, sir. I will use you kindly, sir.
MATTHEW
Come, let's before, and make the Justice, Captain--
BOBADILL
The varlet's a tall man, afore heaven!
[Exeunt MATTHEW and BOBADILL]
DOWNRIGHT
Gull, you'll gi' me my cloak?
STEPHEN
Sir, I bought it, and I'll keep it.
DOWNRIGHT
You will.
STEPHEN
Aye, that I will.
DOWNRIGHT
[Gives BRAINWORM money]
Officer, there's thy fee, arrest him.
BRAINWORM
Master Stephen, I must arrest you.
STEPHEN
Arrest me, I scorn it. There, take your cloak, I'll none on't.
DOWNRIGHT
Nay, that shall not serve your turn now, sir. Officer, I'll go with thee, to the Justice's; bring him along.
STEPHEN
Why, is not here your cloak? What would you have?
DOWNRIGHT
I'll ha' you answer it, sir.
BRAINWORM
Sir, I'll take your word; and this gentleman's, too, for his appearance.
DOWNRIGHT
I'll ha' no words taken. Bring him along.
BRAINWORM
Sir, I may choose to do that: I may take bail.
DOWNRIGHT
'Tis true, you may take bail, and choose--at another time; but you shall not, now, varlet. Bring him along, or I'll swinge you.
[Raises cudgel]BRAINWORM
Sir, I pity the gentleman's case. Here's your money again.
DOWNRIGHT
'Sdeynes, tell not me of my money, bring him away, I say.
BRAINWORM
I warrant you he will go with you of himself, sir.
DOWNRIGHT
Yet more ado?
BRAINWORM
[Aside]
I have made a fair mash on't.
STEPHEN
Must I go?
BRAINWORM
I know no remedy, Master Stephen.
DOWNRIGHT
Come along, afore me, here. I do not love your hanging look behind.
STEPHEN
Why, sir, I hope you cannot hang me for it. Can he, fellow?
BRAINWORM
I think not, sir. It is but a whipping matter, sure!
STEPHEN
Why, then, let him do his worst, I am resolute.
| Every Man in his Humour | |