 | Every Man in his Humour |  |
Act V
Scene i
[Enter] CLEMENT, KNOWELL, KITELY, DAME KITELY, TIB, CASH, COB [and] SERVANTSCLEMENT
Nay, but stay, stay, give me leave; my chair, sirrah. You, Master Knowell, say you went thither to meet your son.
KNOWELL
Aye, sir.
CLEMENT
But who directed you thither?
KNOWELL
That did mine own man, sir.
CLEMENT
Where is he?
KNOWELL
Nay, I know not, now: I left him with your clerk, and appointed him to stay here for me.
CLEMENT
My clerk? About what time was this?
KNOWELL
Marry, between one and two, as I take it.
CLEMENT
And, what time came my man with the false message to you, Master Kitely?
KITELY
After two, sir.
CLEMENT
Very good; but, Mistress Kitely, how that you were at Cob's? Ha?
DAME KITELY
An' please you, sir, I'll tell you: my brother, Wellbred, told me that Cob's house was a suspected place--
CLEMENT
So it appears, methinks; but, on.
DAME KITELY
And that my husband used thither, daily.
CLEMENT
No matter, so he used himself well, mistress.
DAME KITELY
True sir, but you know what grows by such haunts, often-times.
CLEMENT
I see rank fruits of a jealous brain, Mistress Kitely; but, did you find your husband there, in that case, as you suspected?
KITELY
I found her there, sir.
CLEMENT
Did you so? That alters the case. Who gave you knowledge, of your wife's being there?
KITELY
Marry, that did my brother Wellbred.
CLEMENT
How? Wellbred first tell her? Then tell you, after? Where is Wellbred?
KITELY
Gone with my sister, sir, I know not whither.
CLEMENT
Why, this is a mere trick, a device: you are gulled in this most grossly, all! Alas, poor wench, wert thou beaten for this?
TIB
Yes, most pitifully, an't please you.
COB
And worthily, I hope: if it shall prove so.
CLEMENT
Aye, that's like, and a piece of a sentence. [Enter a SERVANT] How now, sir? What's the matter?
SERVANT
Sir, there's a gentleman, i' the court without, desires to speak with your worship.
A gentleman? What's he?
SERVANT
A soldier, sir, he says.
CLEMENT
A soldier? Take down my armour, my sword, quickly: a soldier speak with me! Why, when knaves? He arms himself Come on, come on, hold my cap there, so; give me my gorget, my sword. Stand by, I will end your matters anon-- Let the soldier enter.
[Exit SERVANT. Enter] BOBADILL [and] MATTHEWNow, sir, what ha' you to say to me?
BOBADILL
By your worship's favour--
CLEMENT
Nay, keep out, sir, I know not your pretence, you send me word, sir, you are a soldier: why, sir, you shall be answered here, here be them have been amongst soldiers. Sir, your pleasure.
BOBADILL
Faith, sir, so it is, this gentleman and myself have been most uncivilly wronged, and beaten, by one Downright, a coarse fellow about the town here, and for mine own part, I protest, being a man in no sort given to this filthy humour of quarrelling, he hath assaulted me in the way of my peace; despoiled me of mine honour; disarmed me of my weapons; and rudely laid me along in the open streets, when I not so much as once offered to resist him.
CLEMENT
Oh, God's precious! Is this the soldier? Here, take my armour off quickly, 'twill make him swoon, I fear: he is not fit to look on't, that will put up a blow.
MATTHEW
An't please your worship, he was bound to the peace.
CLEMENT
Why, an' he were, sir, his hands were not bound, were they?
[Enter SERVANT]
SERVANT
There's one of the varlets of the city, sir, has brought two gentlemen here, one upon your worship's warrant.
CLEMENT
My warrant?
SERVANT
Yes, sir. The officer says, procured by these two.
CLEMENT
Bid him come in. Set by this picture.
[Exit SERVANT. Enter] DOWNRIGHT, STEPHEN [and] BRAINWORM [still disguised as a sergeant]What, Master Downright! Are you brought at Master Freshwater's suit, here?
DOWNRIGHT
Aye, faith, sir. And here's another brought at my suit.
CLEMENT
What are you, sir?
STEPHEN
A gentleman, sir. Oh, uncle!
CLEMENT
Uncle? Who? Master Knowell.
KNOWELL
Aye, sir! This is a wise kinsman of mine.
God's my witness, uncle, I am wronged here monstrously, he charges me with stealing of his cloak, and would I might never stir, if I did not find it in the street, by chance.
DOWNRIGHT
Oh, did you find it, now? You said you bought it, erewhile.
STEPHEN
And you said I stole it; nay, now my uncle is here, I'll do well enough with you.
CLEMENT
Well, let this breathe a while; you, that have cause to complain there, stand forth: had you my warrant for this gentleman's apprehension?
BOBADILL
Aye, an't please your worship.
CLEMENT
Nay, do not speak in passion so; where had you it?
BOBADILL
Of your clerk, sir.
CLEMENT
That's well! An' my clerk can make warrants, and my hand not at 'em! Where is the warrant? Officer, have you it?
BRAINWORM
No, sir, your worship's man, Master Formal, bid me do it for these gentlemen, and he would be my discharge.
CLEMENT
Why, Master Downright, are you such a novice, to be served, and never see the warrant?
DOWNRIGHT
Sir. He did not serve it on me.
CLEMENT
No? How then?
DOWNRIGHT
Marry, sir, he came to me, and said, he must serve it, and he would use me kindly, and so--
CLEMENT
Oh, God's pity, was it so, sir? He must serve it? Give me my long-sword there, and help me off; so. Come on, sir varlet, I must cut off your legs, sirrah. Flourishes over [the kneeling Brainworm] with his long-sword Nay, stand up, I'll use you kindly; I must cut off your legs, I say.
BRAINWORM
Oh, good sir, I beseech you; nay, good Master Justice.
CLEMENT
I must do it: there is no remedy. I must cut off your legs, sirrah, I must cut off your ears, you rascal, I must do it; I must cut off your nose, I must cut off your head.
BRAINWORM
Oh, good your worship.
CLEMENT
Well, rise, how dost thou do, now? Dost thou feel thyself well? Hast thou no harm?
BRAINWORM
No, I thank your good worship, sir.
CLEMENT
Why, so! I said, I must cut off thy legs, and I must cut off thy arms, and I must cut off thy head; but I did not do it. So, you said, you must serve this gentleman with my warrant, but you did not serve him. You knave, you slave, you rogue, do you say you must? Sirrah, away with him, to the jail, I'll teach you a trick, for your must, sir.
BRAINWORM
Good sir, I beseech you, be good to me.
CLEMENT
Tell him he shall to the jail, away with him, I say.
BRAINWORM
Nay, sir, if you will commit me, it shall be for committing more than this: I will not lose, by my travail, any grain of my fame certain.
CLEMENT
How is this!
KNOWELL
My man, Brainworm!
STEPHEN
Oh yes, uncle. Brainworm has been with my cousin Edward and I all this day.
CLEMENT
I told you all there was some device!
BRAINWORM
Nay, excellent Justice, since I have laid myself thus open to you, now stand strong for me: both with your sword, and your balance.
CLEMENT
Body o' me, a merry knave! Give me a bowl of sack. If he belong to you, Master Knowell, I bespeak your patience.
BRAINWORM
That is it I have most need of.
[To KNOWELL]Sir, if you'll pardon me only, I'll glory in all the rest of my exploits.
KNOWELL
Sir, you know I love not to have my favours come hard from me. You have your pardon; though I suspect you shrewdly for being of counsel with my son, against me.
BRAINWORM
Yes, faith, I have, sir; though you retained me doubly this morning for yourself: first, as Brainworm; after, as Fitzsword. I was your reformed soldier, sir. 'Twas I sent you to Cob's, upon the errand without end.
KNOWELL
Is it possible! Or that thou should'st disguise thy language so, as I should not know thee?
BRAINWORM
Oh, sir, this has been the day of my metamorphosis! It is not that shape alone that I have run through, today. I brought this gentleman, Master Kitely, a message too, in the form of Master Justice's man, here, to draw him out o' the way, as well as your worship; while Master Wellbred might make a conveyance of Mistress Bridget to my young master.
KITELY
How! My sister stol'n away?
KNOWELL
My son is not married, I hope!
BRAINWORM
Faith, sir, they are both as sure as love, a priest, and three thousand pound (which is her portion) can make 'em; and by this time are ready to bespeak their wedding supper at the Windmill, except some friend, here, prevent 'em, and invite 'em home.
CLEMENT
Marry, that will I (I thank thee for putting me in mind on't). Sirrah, go you, and fetch 'em hither, upon my warrant.
[Exit SERVANT]Neither's friends have cause to be sorry, if I know the young couple aright. Here, I drink to thee, for thy good news. But, I pray thee, what hast thou done with my man Formal?
BRAINWORM
Faith, sir, after some ceremony past, as making him drunk, first with story, and then with wine (but all in kindness) and stripping him to his shirt, I left him in that cool vein, departed, sold your worship's warrant to these two, pawned his livery for that varlet's gown, to serve it in; and thus have brought myself, by my activity, to your worship's consideration.
CLEMENT
And I will consider thee in another cup of sack. Here's to thee, which having drunk off, this is my sentence. Pledge me. Thou hast done or
[Enter SERVANT]
SERVANT
Sir, it is Roger is come home.
CLEMENT
Bring him in, bring him in.
[Enter] FORMAL [in a suit of armour]What! Drunk in arms, against me? Your reason, your reason for this?
FORMAL
I beseech your worship to pardon me: I happened into ill company by chance, that cast me into a sleep, and stripped me of all my clothes--
CLEMENT
Well, tell him I am Justice Clement, and do pardon him; but, what is this to your armour? What may that signify?
FORMAL
An't please you, sir, it hung up i' the room where I was stripped; and I borrowed it of one o' the drawers, to come home in, because I was loath to do penance through the street i' my shirt.
CLEMENT
Well, stand by a while. Who be these?
[Enter] EDWARD, WELLBRED, [and] BRIDGETOh, the young company, welcome, welcome. Gi' you joy. Nay, Mistress Bridget, blush not: you are not so fresh a bride but the news of it is come hither afore you. Master bridegroom, I ha' made your peace, give me your hand; so will I for all the rest, ere you forsake my roof.
EDWARD
We are the more bound to your humanity, sir.
CLEMENT
Only these two have so little of man in 'em, they are no part of my care.
WELLBRED
Yes, sir, let me pray you for this gentleman, he belongs to my sister, the bride.
CLEMENT
In what place, sir?
WELLBRED
Of her delight, sir, below the stairs, and in public: her poet, sir.
CLEMENT
A poet? I will challenge him myself, presently, at extempore:
How Saturn, sitting in an ebon cloud,
Disrobed his podex white as ivory,
And, through the welkin, thundred all aloud.
WELLBRED
He is not for extempore, sir. He is all for the pocket-muse, please you command a sight of it.
Yes, yes, search him for a taste of his vein.
[They search the pockets of MATTHEW, who resists]
WELLBRED
You must not deny the Queen's Justice, sir, under a writ o' rebellion.
CLEMENT
What! All this verse? Body o' me, he carries a whole realm, a commonwealth of paper, in's hose! Let's see some of his subjects!
Runs this poor river charged with streams of eyes.
How? This is stol'n!
EDWARD
A parody! A parody! With a kind of miraculous gift to make it absurder than it was.
CLEMENT
Is all the rest, of this batch? Bring me a torch: lay it together, and give fire. Cleanse the air. Here was enough to have infected the whole city, if it had not been taken in time. See, see, how our poet's glory shines! Brighter and brighter! Still it increases! Oh, now it's at the highest; and now it declines as fast. You may see. Sic transit gloria mundi.
KNOWELL
There's an emblem for you, son, and your studies!
CLEMENT
Nay, no speech or act of mine be drawn against such as profess it worthily. They are not born every year, as an alderman. There goes more to the making of a good poet, than a sheriff, Master Kitely. You look upon me! Though I live i' the city here, amongst you, I will do more reverence to him, when I meet him, than I will to the mayor, out of his year. But, these paper-pedlars! These ink-dabblers! They cannot expect reprehension, or reproach. They have it with the fact.
EDWARD
Sir, you have saved me the labour of a defence.
CLEMENT
It shall be discourse for supper: between your father and me, if he dare undertake me. But, to dispatch away these, you sign o' the Soldier, and picture o' the Poet (but both so false I will not ha' you hanged out at my door till midnight), while we are at supper, you two shall penitently fast it in my court, without; and, if you will, you may pray there, that we may be so merry within as to forgive, or forget you, when we come out. Here's a third, because we tender your safety, shall watch you, he is provided for the purpose.
[To Formal]Look to your charge, sir.
STEPHEN
And what shall I do?
CLEMENT
Oh, I had lost a sheep, an' he had not bleated! Why, sir, you shall give Master Downright his cloak; and I will entreat him to take it. A trencher and a napkin you shall have, i' the buttery, and keep Cob and his wife company, here; whom I will entreat first to be reconciled, and you to endeavour with your wit to keep 'em so.
STEPHEN
I'll do my best.
COB
Why, now I see thou art honest, Tib, I receive thee as my dear and mortal wife again.
TIB
And I you, as my loving and obedient husband.
CLEMENT
Good complement! It will be their bridal night too. They are
Horns i' the mind are worse than o' the head.
KITELY
'See what a drove of horns fly in the air,
Winged with my cleansèd, and my credulous breath!
Watch 'em, suspicious eyes, watch where they fall.
See, see! On heads, that think they've none at all!
Oh, what a plenteous world of this will come!
When air rains horns, all may be sure of some.
I ha' learned so much verse out of a jealous man's part in a play.
CLEMENT
'Tis well, 'tis well! This night we'll dedicate to friendship, love, and laughter. Master bridegroom, take your bride, and lead; every one, a fellow. Here is my mistress: Brainworm! To whom all my addresses of courtship shall have their reference. Whose adventures this day, when our grandchildren shall hear to be made a fable, I doubt not but it shall find both spectators, and applause.
| Every Man in his Humour | |