She wou'd if She cou'd A Comedy. Acted at His Highness the Duke of York's Theater. Written by George Etherege |
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| 1. | SCENE I. |
| 2. |
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| 3. |
| 4. |
| 5. |
 | She wou'd if She cou'd |  |
SCENE I.
A Dining-Room.Enter Courtal and Freeman, and a Servant brushing Courtal.
Court.
So, so, 'tis well; let the Coach be made ready.
Serv.
It shall, Sir.
[Ex. Servant.
Court.
Well, Franck, what is to be done to day?
Free.
'Faith, I think we must e'en follow the old
Trade, eat well, and prepare our selves with
A Bottle or two of good Burgundy, that our
Old acquaintance may look lovely in our Eyes:
For, for ought as I see, there is no hopes of new.
Court.
Well! this is grown a wicked Town, it was
Otherwise in my memory; a Gentleman
Should not have gone out of his Chamber,
But some Civil Officer or other of the Game
Wou'd have been with him, and have given him
Notice where he might have had a course or
Two in the Afternoon.
Free.
Truly, a good motherly woman of my acquaintance
T'other day, talking of the sins of the times,
Told me, with Tears in her Eyes, that there are a
Company of Higling Rascals, who partly
For themselves, but more especially for some
Secret friends, daily forestal the Markets;
Nay, and that many Gentlemen who formerly had
2
For some private Reasons, become their own
Purveyors, to the utter decay and disencouragement
Of Trade and Industry.
Cour.
I know there are some wary Merchants,
Who never trust their business to a Factor;
But for my part, I hate the Fatigue, and had
Rather be bound to back my own Colts, and man
My own Hawks, than endure the impertinencies
Of bringing a young Wench to the Lure.
Enter Servant.
Serv.
Sir, there is a Gentlewoman below desires to
Speak with you.
Cour.
Ha Freeman, this may be some lucky
Adventure.
Serv.
She ask'd me, if you were alone.
Cour.
And did not you say Ay?
Serv.
I told her, I would go see.
Cour.
Go, go down quickly, and tell her I am,
Franck; prithee let me put thee into this
Closet a while.
Free.
Why, may not I see her?
Cour.
On my life, thou shalt have fair play, and
Go halfs, if it be a purchase that may with
Honor be divided; you may over-hear all:
But for decency sake, in, in man.
Free.
Well, good Fortune attend thee.
Enter Mistress Sentry.
Cour.
Mistress Sentry, this is a happiness
Beyond my expectation.
Sent.
Your humble Servant, Sir.
Cour.
I hope your Lady's come to Town?
Sent.
Sir Oliver, my Lady, and the whole Family.
Well! we have had a sad time in the Countrey:
My Lady's so glad, she's come to enjoy the freedom
Of this place again, and I dare say longs to have
The happiness of your company.
Cour.
Did she send you hither?
Sent.
Oh no, if she should but know that I did such a
Confident trick, she wou'd think me a good one
3
Venture to call in my way to the Exchange,
To tell you the good news, and to let you know our
Lodgings are in James-street at the Black-Posts,
Where we lay the last Summer.
Cour.
Indeed it is very obligingly done.
Sent.
But I must needs desire you to tell my Lady,
That you came to the knowledge of this by some
Lucky chance or other; for I would not be discovered
For a World.
Cour.
Let me alone, I warrant thee.
Enter Servant.
Serv.
Sir Oliver Cockwood, Sir, is come to wait on you
Sent.
O Heaven! my Master! my Lady, and my self
Are both undone, undone—
Cour.
'Sdeath, why did you not tell him I was busie?
Sent.
For Heavens sake, Mr. Courtal, what shall
I do?
Cour.
Leave, leave trembling, and creep into the
Wood-hole here
[She goes into the Wood-hole
Enter Sir Oliver.
Cour.
Sir Oliver Cockwood!
[Embraces him.
Sir Oliv.
Honest Ned Courtal, by my troth I think
Thou tak'st me for a pretty Wench, thou
Hug'st me so very close and heartily.
Cour.
Onely my joy to see you, Sir Oliver, and to
Welcome you to Town.
Sir Oliv.
Methinks, indeed, I have been an age absent,
But I intend to redeem the time; and how, and how
Stand Affairs, prithee now? Is the Wine good?
Are the Women kind?
Well, faith, a Man had better be a vagabond
In this Town, than a Justice of Peace in the
Countrey: I was e'en grown a Sot for want
Of Gentleman like Recreations; if a Man
Do but rap out an Oath, the people start
As if a Gun went off; and if once chance
But to couple himself with his Neighbors
Daughter, without the help of the Parson of
The Parish, and leave a little testimony of
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Such an uproar, that a poor man is fain to
Fly his Country; as for drunkenness, 'tis true,
It may be us'd without scandal, but the drink
Is so abominable, that a man would forbear it,
For fear of being made out of love with the vice.
Court.
I see, Sir Oliver, you continue still your old
Humor, and are resolv'd to break your sweet
Ladies heart.
Sir Oliver.
You do not think me sure so barbarously
Unkind, to let her know all this; no, no, these
Are secrets fit onely to be trusted to such
Honest fellows as thou art.
Court.
Well may I, poor Sinner, be excus'd, since
A Woman of such rare beauty, such incomparable
Parts, and of such an unblemished
Reputation, is not able to reclaim you from
These wilde courses, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver.
To say the truth, She is a Wife that no man
Need be asham'd of Ned.
Court.
I vow, Sir Oliver, I must needs blame you,
Considering how tenderly she loves you.
Sir Oliver.
Ay, ay, the more is her misfortune, and mine
Too Ned: I would willingly give thee a pair
Of the best Coach Horses in my Stable, so
Thou could'st but perswade her to love me
Less.
Court.
Her vertue, and my friendship, sufficiently
Secure you against that, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver.
I know thou wert never married; but has it
Never been thy misfortune to have a Mistress
Love thee thus entirely?
Court.
It never has been my good fortune, Sir Oliver.
But why do you ask this question?
Sir Oliver.
Because then, perchance, thou might'st have
Been a little sensible what a damn'd trouble it is.
Court.
As how, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver.
Why look thee, thus: For a man cannot be
Altogether ungrateful, sometimes one is oblig'd
To kiss, and fawn, and toy, and lie fooling an hour
Or two, when a man had rather, if it were not for
The disgrace sake, stand all that while in the Pillory
5
Court.
This is a very hard case indeed, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver.
And then the inconvenience of keeping
Regular hours; but above all, that damn'd fiend
Jealousie does so possess these Passionate Lovers,
That I protest Ned, Under the Rose be it spoken,
If I chance to be a little prodigal in my expence
On a private friend or so, I am call'd to so strict
An account at night, that for quietness sake I am
Often forc'd to take a Dose of Cantharides to
Make up the sum.
Court.
Indeed, Sir Oliver, every thing consider'd,
You are not so much to be envy'd as one may
Rashly imagine.
Sir Oliver.
Well, a Pox of this tying Man and Woman
Together, for better, for worse! Upon my Conscience,
It was but a trick that the Clergy might have
A feeling in the Cause.
Court.
I do not conceive it to be much for their
Profit, Sir Oliver, for I dare lay a good wager,
Let 'em but allow Christian Liberty, and they
Shall get ten times more by Christnings,
Than they are likely to lose by Marriages.
Sir Oliver.
'Faith, thou hast hit it right, Ned; and now
Thou talk'st of Christian Liberty, prethee let us
Dine together to day, and be swingingly merry,
But with all secresie.
Court.
I shall be glad of your good company, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver.
I am to call on a very honest Fellow, whom
I left here hard by making a visit, Sir Joslin Jolly,
A Kinsman of my Wifes, and my Neighbor in the
Country: We call Brothers, he came up to Town
With me, and lodgeth in the same House; he has
Brought up a couple of the prettiest Kinswomen,
Heiresses of a very good Fortune: Would thou
Hadst the instructing of 'em a little.
Faith, if I am not very much mistaken,
They are very prone to the study of the
Mathematicks.
Court.
I shall be beholding to you for so good an
Acquaintance.
Sir Oliver.
This Sir Joslin is in great favor with my
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Opinion of, and will trust me with him
Any where; but to say truth, he is as arrant
A sinner as the best of us, and will boggle at
Nothing that becomes a Man of Honor.
We will go and get leave of my Lady;
For it is not fit I should break out so soon
Without her approbation Ned.
Cour.
By no means, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliver.
Where shall we meet about an hour hence?
Cour.
At the French-house, or the Bear.
Sir Oliver.
At the French-house by all means.
Cour.
Agreed, agreed.
Sir Oliver.
Would thou could'st bring a fourth man.
Cour.
What think you of Franck Freeman?
Sir Oliver.
There cannot be a better—well—
Servant Ned, Servant Ned!
[Exit Sir Oliver.
Cour.
Your Servant, Sir Oliver.
Mistress Sentry!
Sentry
in the hole.
Is he gone?
Cour.
Ay, Ay! You may venture to bolt now.
Sentry
crawling out.
Oh Heavens! I would not
Endure such another fright.
Cour.
Come, come, prethee be compos'd.
Sentry.
I shall not be my self again this fortnight;
I never was in such a taking days of my life.
To have been found false, and to one who to
Say truth, has been always very kind
And civil to me; but above all, I was concern'd
For my Ladies Honor—
Cour.
Come, come—there's no harm done.
Sentry.
Ah! Mr. Courtall, you do not know Sir Oliver
So well as I do, he has strange humors sometimes,
And has it enough in's Nature to play the
Tyrant, but that my Lady and my self, aw him
By our Policy.
Cour.
Well, well, all's well; Did you not hear
What a taring Blade Sir Oliver is?
Sentry.
Ah! 'tis a vile dissembliag Man. How fairly
He carries it to my Ladies face! But I dare not
Discover him, for fear of betraying my self.
Cour.
Well, Mistress Sentry, I must dine with 'em,
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Or two, if I can I will slip away, and pay my
Respects to your Lady.
Sentry.
You need not question your welcome,
I assure you, Sir—your Servant, Sir.
Court.
Your Servant Mistress Sentry, I am very sensible
Of this Favor, I assure you.
Sentry.
I am proud it was in my pow'r to oblige you,
Sir.
[Exit Sentry.
Cour.
Freeman! Come, come out of thy hole; how
Hast thou been able to contain?
Free.
Faith much ado, the Scene was very pleasant:
But above all, I admire thy impudence,
I could never have had the face to have wheadl'd
The poor Knight fo.
Cour.
Pish, Pish, 'twas both necessary and honest:
We ought to do all we can to confirm a
Husband in the good opinion of his Wife.
Free.
Pray how long, if, without offence, a Man may
Ask you; Have you been in good grace with this Person
Of Honor? I never knew you had that
Commendable quality of Secresie before.
Cour.
You are mistaken, Freeman, things go not
As you wickedly imagine.
Free.
Why, hast thou lost all sense of modesty?
Do'st thou think to pass these gross wheadles on
Me too? Come, come, this good news should make
Thee a little merrier. 'Faith, though she be an old
Acquaintance, she has the advantage of Four or five
Moneths absence. 'Slid, I know not how proud
You are, but I have thought my self very spruce
Ere now in an old Suit, that has been brush'd
And laid up a while.
Cour.
Freeman, I know in cases of this nature thou
Art an Infidel; but yet methinks the knowledge
Thou hast of my sincere dealing with my
Friends should make thee a little more confiding.
Free.
What devilish Oath could she invent to
Fright thee from a discovery?
Cour.
Wilt thou believe me, if I swear, the preservation
Of her honor, has been my fault, and not hers?
Free.
This is something.
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Why then, know that I have still been as
Careful to prevent all opportunities, as she has been to
Contrive 'em; and still have carried it so like a
Gentleman, that there has not had the least suspition
Of unkindness. She is the very spirit of impertinence,
So foolishly fond and troublesom, that no man above
Sixteen is able to endure her.
Free.
Why did you engage thus far then?
Cour.
Some conveniences which I had by my
Acquaintance with the Sot her Husband, made
Me extraordinary civil to her, which presently
By her Ladiship was interpreted after the manner
Of the most obliging Women. This Wench came
Hither by her Commission to day.
Free.
With what confidence she deny'd it!
Cour.
Nay, that's never wanting, I assure you:
Now is it expected I should lay by all other
Occasions, and watch every opportunity to wait
Upon her; she would by her good will give her
Lover no more rest, than a young Squire that
Has newly set up a Coach, does his onely pair of Horses.
Free.
'Faith, if it be as thou say'st, I cannot much
Blame the hardness of thy heart. But did
Not the Oaf talk of two young Ladies?
Cour.
Well remembred, Franck, and now I think
On't, 'twill be very necessary to carry on my business
With the old one, that we may the better have
An opportunity of being acquainted with them.
Come, let us go and bespeak dinner, and by the
Way consider of these weighty affairs.
Free.
Well, since there is but little ready money
Stirring, rather then want entertaiment,
I shall be contented to play a while upon Tick.
Cour.
And I, provided they promise fair, and we find
There's hopes of payment hereafter.
Free,
Come along, come along,
[Exeunt.
| She wou'd if She cou'd | |