She wou'd if She cou'd A Comedy. Acted at His Highness the Duke of York's Theater. Written by George Etherege |
 | 1. |
 | 2. | ACT II. |
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| 2. |
| 3. |
| 4. |
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 | She wou'd if She cou'd |  |
ACT II.
SCENE I.
The Mulberry-Garden.Enter Courtal and Freeman.
Court.
Was there ever a couple of Fops better match'd
Than these two Knights are?
Free.
They are Harp and Violin, Nature has so
Tun'd 'em, as if she intended they should
Always play the Fool in Consort.
14
Now is Sir Oliver secure, for he dares not go
Home 'till he's quite drunk, and then he grows
Valiant, insults, and defies his sweet Lady;
For which, with Prayers and Tears, he's forc'd
To feign a bitter Repentance the next morning.
Free.
What do we here idling in the Mulberry-Garden?
Why do not we make this visit then?
Court.
Now art thou as mad upon this trail, as if
We were upon a hot scent.
Free.
Since we know the bush, why do we not start
The Game?
Court.
Gently, good Franck: First know that the Laws
Of Honor prescrib'd in such nice cases, will not
Allow me to carry thee along with me; and next,
Hast thou so little wit to think, that a discreet
Lady that has had the experience of so much humane
Frailty, can have so good an opinion of the constancy
Of her servant, as to lead him into temptation?
Free.
Then we must not hope her Ladiship shou'd
Make us acquainted with these Gentlewomen.
Court.
Thou may'st as reasonably expect, that an old
Rook should bring a young Snap acquainted
With his Bubble; but advantages may be
Hereafter made, by my admission into the Family.
Free.
What is to be done then?
Court.
Why, look you, thus I have contriv'd it:
Sir Oliver, when I began to grow resty, that he
Might incline me a little more to drunkenness,
In my ear discover'd to me the humor of
His dear friend Sir Joslin: He assur'd me, that
When he was in that good natur'd condition,
To requite their courtesie, he always carried
The good company home with him, and
Recommended them to his Kinswomen.
Free.
Very good!
Court.
Now after the fresh Air has breath'd on us
A while, and expel'd the vapors of the Wine
We have drunk, thou shalt return to these
Two Sots, whom we left at the French-house,
According to our promise, and tell 'em, I am a
Little stay'd by some unlucky bus'ness, and
Will be with 'em presently; thou wilt find 'em
15
Their order; charge 'em briskly, and in a moment
Thou shalt rout 'em, and with little or no damage
To thy self, gain an absolute Victory.
Free.
Very well!
Court.
In the mean time, I will make my visit to the
Longing Lady, and order my business so
Handsomely, that I will be with thee again immediately,
To make an Experiment of the good humor of
Sir Joslin.
Free.
Let's about it.
Court.
'Tis yet too early, we must drill a way a little
Time here, that my excuses may be more probable,
And my persecution more tolerable.
Enter Ariana and Gatty with Vizards, and pass nimbly over the Stage.
Free.
Ha, Ha—How wantonly they trip it! there is
Temptation enough in their very Gate, to
Stir up the courage of an old Alderman:
Prithee let us follow 'em.
Court.
I have been so often balk'd with these Vizard
Masks, that I have at least a dozen times
Forsworn 'em; they are a most certain sign
Of an ill face, or what is worse, an old
Acquaintance.
Free.
The truth is, nothing but some such weighty
Reason, is able to make women deny themselves
The pride they have to be seen.
Court.
The Evening's fresh and pleasant, and yet
There is but little company.
Free.
Our Course will be the better, these Deer
Cannot Herd: Come, come Man, let's follow.
Court.
I find it is a meer folly to swear any
Thing, it does but make the Devil the more
Earnest in his temptation.
They go after the Women.
Enter Women again, and cross the Stage.
Aria.
Now if these should prove two Men of War
That are crusing here, to watch for Prizes.
16
Would they had courage enough to set upon
Us. I long to be engag'd.
Aria.
Look, look yonder, I protest they chase us.
Gatty.
Let us bear away then; if they be truly valiant
They'll quickly make more Sail, and board us.
The Women go out, and go about behind the Scenes to the other Door.
Enter Courtal and Freeman.
Free.
'Sdeath, how fleet they are! whatsoever faults
They have, they cannot be broken-winded.
Court.
Sure, by that little mincing step they
Shou'd be Country Fillies that have been breath'd
At Course a Park, and Barly-Break: We shall
Never reach 'em,
Free.
I'll follow directly, do thou turn down the
Cross-walk and meet 'em.
Enter the Women, and after 'em Courtal at the lower Door, and Freeman, at the upper on the contrary side.
Court.
By your leave, Ladies—
Gatty.
I perceive you can make bold enough
Without it.
Free.
Your servant, Ladies—
Aria.
Or any other Ladies that will give themselves
The trouble to entertain you.
Free.
'Slife, their Tongues are as nimble as their Heels.
Court.
Can you have so little good nature to dash
A couple of bashful young men out of countenance,
Who came out of pure love to tender
You their service?
Gatty.
'Twere pity to baulk 'em, Sister.
Aria.
Indeed, methinks, they look as if they never
Had been slip'd before.
Free.
Yes faith, we have had many a fair Course
In this Paddock, have been very well flesh'd,
And dare boldy fasten.
[They kiss their hands with a little force.
Aria.
Well, I am not the first unfortunate Woman
That has been forc'd to give her hand, where
She never intends to bestow her heart.
17
Now, do you think? tis a Bargain already?
Court.
Faith, would there were some lusty earnest
Given, for fear we should unluckily break
Off again.
Free.
Are you so wild, that you must be hooded thus?
Court.
Fy, fy, put off these scandals to all good faces.
Gatty.
For your reputations sake we shall keep 'em
On: 'Slife we should be taken for your Relations,
If we durst shew our faces with you thus
Publickly.
Aria.
And what a shame that would be to a couple
Of young Gallants! Methinks you should blush
To think on't.
Court.
These were pretty toys, invented, first, meerly
For the good of us poor Lovers to deceive
The jealous, and to blind the malicious; but
The proper use is so wickedly perverted,
That it makes all honest men hate the
Fashion mortally.
Free.
A good face is as seldom cover'd with a Vizard-
Mask, as a good Hat with an oyl'd Case:
And yet on my Conscience, you are both
Handsome.
Court.
Do but remove 'em a little, to satisfie a foolish
Scruple.
Aria.
This is a just punishment you have brought
Upon your selves, by that unpardonable
Sin of talking.
Gatty.
You can onely brag now of your acquaintance
With a Farendon Gown, and a piece
Of Black Velvet.
Court.
The truth is, there are some vain fellows
Whose loose behavior of late has given
Great discouragement to the honorable proceedings
Of all vertuous Ladies.
Free.
But I hope you have more charity, than
To believe us of the number of the wicked.
Aria.
There's not a man of you to be trusted.
Gatty.
What a shame is it to your whole Sex,
That a Woman is more fit to be a Privy-
Counsellor, than a young Gallant a Lover?
Court.
This is a pretty kind of fooling, Ladies, for
18
Little fairer, if you intend to keep us
From our serious bus'ness.
Gatty.
Truly you seem to be men of great
Imployment, that are every moment ratling from
The Eating-Houses to the Play-houses, from the
Play-houses to the Mulberry-Garden, that
Live in a perpetual hurry, and have little
Leisure for such an idle entertainment.
Court.
Now would not I see thy face for the world;
If it should be but half so good as thy humor,
Thou would'st dangerously tempt me to dote
Upon thee, and forgetting all shame, become
Constant.
Free.
I perceive, by your fooling here, that wit and
Good humor may make a man in love with
A Blackamoor. That the Devil should contrive
It so, that we should have earnest bus'ness now.
Court.
Wou'd they wou'd but be so kind to meet us
Here again to morrow.
Gatty.
You are full of bus'ness, and 'twould but
Take you off of your employments.
Aria.
And we are very unwilling to have the sin to
Answer for, of ruining a couple of such
Hopeful young men.
Free.
Must we then despair?
Aria.
The Ladies you are going to, will not be so
Hard-hearted.
Court.
to Free.
On my Conscience, they love us, and
Begin to grow jealous already.
Free.
Who knows but this may prove the luckier
Adventure of the two?
Court.
Come, come, we know you have a mind to
Meet us: We cannot see you blush, speak it out
Boldly.
Gatty.
Will you swear then, not to visit any other
Women before that time?
Aria.
Not that we are jealous, but because we would
Not have you tir'd with the impertinent
Conversation of our Sex, and come to us dull
And out of humor.
Court.
Invent an Oath, and let it be so horrid
19
Free.
And I will swear it readily, that I will not
So much as speak to a Woman, till I
Speak to you again.
Gatty.
But are you troubl'd with that foolish
Scruple of keeping an Oath?
Free.
O most religiously!
Court.
And may we not enlarge our hopes upon a
Little better acquaintance?
Aria.
You see all the freedom we allow.
Gatty.
It may be we may be intreated to hear a
Fiddle, or mingle in a Country dance, or so.
Court.
Well! we are in too desperate a condition
To stand upon Articles, and are resolv'd to
Yield on any terms.
Free,
Be sure you be punctual now!
Aria.
Will you be sure?
Court.
Or else may we become a couple of credulous
Coxcombs, and be Jilted ever after.
—Your servants, Ladies.
Ex. Men.
Aria.
I wonder what they think of us!
Gatty.
You may easily imagine; for they are not of
A humor so little in fashion, to believe the best:
I assure you the most favorable opinion they can
Have, is, that we are still a little wild, and stand in
Need of better manning.
Aria.
Prithee, dear Girl, what dost think of 'em?
Gatty.
Faith so well, that I'm asham'd to tell thee.
Aria.
Wou'd I had never seen 'em!
Gatty.
Ha! Is it come to that already?
Aria.
Prithee, let's walk a turn or two
More, and talk of 'em.
Gatty.
Let us take care then we are not too particular
In their commendations, lest we should discover
We intrench upon one anothers inclinations,
And so grow quarrelsome.
Exeunt.
20
SCENE II.
Sir Oliver's Lodgings.Enter Lady Cockwood and Sentry.
Sent.
Dear Madam, do not afflict your self thus
Unreasonably; I dare lay my life, it is not want
Of devotion, but opportunity that stays him.
La. Cock.
Ingrateful man! To be so insensible
Of a Ladies passion!
Sent.
If I thought he were so wicked, I should
Hate him strangely—But, Madam—
La. Cock.
Do not speak one word in his behalf,
I am resolv'd to forget him; perfidious Mortal,
To abuse so sweet an opportunity!
Sent.
Hark, here is some body coming up stairs.
La. Cock.
Peace, he may yet redeem his honor.
Enter Courtal.
Court.
Your humble servant, Madam.
La. Cock.
Starting.
Mr. Courtal, for Heav'n sake
How came you hither?
Court.
Guided by my good Fortune, Madam—
Your servant, Mistress Sentry.
Sent.
Your humble servant, Sir; I protest you made
Me start too, to see you come in thus unexpectedly.
La. Cock.
I did not imagine it could be known
I was in Town yet.
Court.
Sir Oliver did me the favor to make me
A visit, and dine with me to day, which brought
Me to the knowledge of this happiness, Madam;
And as soon as I could possibly, I got the
Freedom to come hither and enjoy it.
La. Cock.
You have ever been extream obliging, Sir.
Sent.
'Tis a worthy Gentleman, how punctual
He is to my directions!
Aside.
La. Cock.
Will you be pleas'd to repose, Sir?
Sentry, set some Chairs.
Exit Sentry.
Court.
With much difficulty, Madam, I broke
Out of my company, and was forc'd by the
Importunity of one Sir Joslin Jolly, I think they
Call him, to engage my Honor I would
21
La. Cock.
You must not so soon rob me
Of so sweet a satisfaction.
Court.
No consideration, Madam, could take
Me from you, but that I know my stay at this
Time must needs endanger your Honor; and how
Often I have deny'd my self the greatest satisfaction
In the world, to keep that unblemished, you
Your self can witness.
La. Cock.
Indeed I have often had great tryals
Of your generosity, in those many misfortunes
That have attended our innocent affections.
Court.
Sir Oliver, Madam, before I did perceive
It, was got near that pitch of drunkenness,
Which makes him come reeling home, and
Unmanfully insult over your Ladiship; and how
Subject he is then to injure you with an unjust
Suspicion, you have often told me; which makes
Me careful not to be surpris'd here.
La. Cock.
Repose your self a little, but a little,
Dear Sir: These vertuous Principles make you worthy to be
Trusted with a Ladies Honor: Indeed Sir Oliver
Has his failings; yet I protest, Mr. Courtal, I love
Him dearly, but cannot be altogether unsensible
Of your generous passion.
Court.
Ay, Ay, I am a very Passionate Lover!
Aside.
Indeed this escape has onely given me leisure
To look upon my happiness.
La. Cock.
Is my Woman retir'd?
Court.
Most dutifully, Madam.
La. Cock.
Then let me tell you, Sir—yet we
May make very good use of it.
Court.
Now am I going to be drawn in agen.
Aside.
La. Cock.
If Sir Oliver be in that indecent condition
You speak of, to morrow he will be very submissive,
As it is meet for so great a misdemeanor; then
Can I, feigning a desperate discontent, take
My own freedom without the least suspicion.
Court.
This is very luckily and obligingly
Thought on, Madam.
La. Cock.
Now if you will be pleas'd to
Make an assignation, Sir.
22
To morrow about ten a clock in the
Lower-walk of the New Exchange, out of which
We can quickly pop into my Coach.
La. Cock.
But I am still so pester'd with my Woman,
I dare not go without her; on my Conscience
She's very sincere, but it is not good to trust our
Reputations too much to the frailty of a servant.
Court.
I will bring my Charriot, Madam,
That will hold but two.
La. Cock.
O most ingeniously imagin'd, dear Sir! For
By that means I shall have a just excuse to give her
Leave to see a Relation, and hid her stay
There till I call her.
Court.
It grieves me much to leave you so soon,
Madam; but I shall comfort my self with the
Thoughts of the happiness you have made me hope for.
La. Cock.
I wish it were in my power eternally
To oblige you, dear Sir.
Court.
Your humble Servant, Madam.
La. Cock
Your humble Servant, sweet Sir.
[Exit Courtal.
Sentry—why Sentry—Where are you?
Entry Sentry.
Sent.
Here, Madam.
La. Cock.
What a strange thing is this! will you
Never take warning, but still be leaving me alone
In these suspicious occasions?
Sent.
I was but in the next Room, Madam.
La. Cock.
What may Mr. Courtal think of my
Innocent intentions? I protest if you serve me
So agen, I shall be strangelg angry: You should
Have more regard to your Lady's Honor.
Sent.
If I stay in the Room, she will not speak
Kindly to me in a week after; and if I go out, she
Always chides me thus: This is a strange infirmity
She has, but I must bear with it; for on my
Conscience, Custome has made it so natural,
She cannot help it.
La. Cock.
Are my Cosins come home yet?
Sent.
Not yet, Madam.
23
Do'st thou know whither they went
This Evening?
Sent.
I heard them say they would go take
The Air, Madam.
La. Cock.
Well, I see it is impossible with vertuous
Counsel to reclaim them; truly they are so careless
Of their own, I could wish Sir Jostin would remove
'Em, for fear they should bring an unjust
Imputation on my Honor.
Sent.
Heavens forbid, Madam!
Enter Ariana and Gatty.
La. Cock.
Your Servant, Cosins.
Amb.
Your Servant, Madam.
La. Cock.
How have you spent the cool of the
Evening?
Gatty.
As the custom is, Madam, breathing the
Fresh Air in the Park and Mulberry-Garden.
La. Cock.
Without the Company of a Relation,
Or some discreet body to justifie your Reputations
To the world—You are young, and may be yet
Insensible of it; but this is a strange censorious age,
I assure you.
Noise of Musick without.
Aria.
Hark! what Musick's this?
Gatty.
I'll lay my life my Uncle's drunk, and hath
Pickt us up a couple of worthy Servants,
And brought them home with him in triumph.
Enter the Musick playing, Sir Oliver strutting, and swaggering, Sir Joslin singing and dancing with Mr. Courtal and Mr. Freeman, in each hand: Gatty and Ariana seeing Courtal and Freeman, shriek and—
[Exeunt.
Sir Jos.
Hey-day! I told you they were a couple of
Skittish Fillies, but I never knew 'em boggle
At a man before; I'll fetch 'em agen I warrant
You, Boys.
Exit after them.
Free. to Court.
These are the very self-same Gowns
And Petticoats.
Court.
Their surprise confirms us it must be them.
Free.
'Slife, we have betray'd our selves
Very pleasantly.
Court.
Now am I undone to all intents and purposes,
24
And she will have no mercy.
Sir Oliv.
Dan, Dan, Da ra, Dan, &c.
Strutting.
Avoid my presence, the very sight of that face
Makes me more impotent then an Eunuch.
La. Cock.
Dear Sir Oliver!
[Offering to embrace him.
Sir Oliv.
Forbear your conjugal clippings,
I will have a Wench, thou shalt fetch me a
Wench, Sentry.
Sent.
Can you be so inhumane to my dear Lady?
Sir Oliv.
Peace, Envy, or I will have thee executed
For Petty Treason; thy skin flay'd off, stuff'd, and
Hung up in my Hall in the Country, as a
Terror to my whole Family.
Court.
What Crime can deserve this horrid
Punishment?
Sir Oliv.
I'll tell thee, Ned: 'Twas my Fortune
T'other day to have an Intrigue with a Tinker's
Wife in the Country, and this malicious Slut
Betray'd the very Ditch where we us'd to
Make our assignations, to my Lady.
Free.
She deserves your anger indeed, Sir Oliver:
But be not so unkind to your vertuous Lady.
Sir Oliv.
Thou do'st not know her, Franck; I have
Had a design to break her heart ever since the
First moneth that I had her, and 'tis so tough,
That I have not yet crack'd one string on't.
Court.
You are too unmerciful, Sir Oliver.
Sir Oliv.
Hang her, Ned, by wicked policy she
Would usurp my Empire, and in her heart is a
Very Pharaoh; for every night she's a putting
Me upon making Brick without straw.
Court.
I cannot see a vertuous Lady so afflicted,
Without offering her some consolation:
Dear Madam, is it not as I told you?
Aside to her.
La. Cock.
The fates could not have been more
Propitious, and I shall not be wanting to the
Furthering of our mutual happiness.
[To Courtal, aside.
25
CATCH.
This is slie and pretty.
And this is wild and witty;
If either stay'd
Till she dy'd a Maid.
I faith 'twould be great pity.
Sir Jos.
Here they are, Boys, i'faith, and now little
Joslin's a man of his word. Heuk! Sly girl and
Mad-cap, to 'em, to 'em, to 'em, Boys, Alou!
[Flings 'em to Courtal and Freeman, who kiss their hands.
What's yonder, your Lady in tears, Brother Cockwood?
Come, come, I'll make up all Breaches.
He sings—And we'll all be merry and frolick
Fie, fy, though man and wife are seldom in good
Humor alone, there are few want the discretion
To dissemble it in company.
[Sir Joslin, Sir Oliver, and Lady, stand talking together.
Free.
I knew we should surprize you, Ladies.
Court.
Faith I thought this conjuring to be but
A meer jest till now, and could not believe the
Astrological Rascal had been so skilful.
Free.
How exactly be describ'd 'em, and how
Punctual he was in his directions to apprehend 'em!
Gat.
Then you have been with a Conjurer,
Gentlemen.
Court.
You cannot blame us, Ladies, the loss of
Our hearts was so considerable, that it may well
Excuse the indirect means we took to find out
The pretty Thieves that stole 'em.
Aria.
Did not I tell you what men of business
These were, Sister?
Gat.
I vow I innocently believ'd they had some
Pre-engagement to a Scrivener or a Surgeon,
And wish'd 'em so well, that I am sorry
To find 'em so perfidious.
26
Why, we have kept our Oaths, Ladies.
Aria.
You are much beholding to Providence.
Gatty.
But we are more Sister, for had we once
Been deluded into an opinion they had been
Faithful, who knows into what Inconveniences
That error might have drawn us?
Court.
Why should you be so unreasonable, Ladies,
To expect that from us, we should scarce
Have hop'd for from you? Fy, fy, the keeping
Of ones word is a thing below the honor
Of a Gentleman.
Free.
A poor shift! Fit onely to uphold the
Reputation of a paultry Citizen.
Sir Jos.
Come, come, all will be well agen,
I warrant you, Lady.
La. Cock
These are insupportable injuries, but I will
Bear 'em with an invincible patience, and to morrow
Make him dearly sensible how unworthy he has been.
Sir Jos.
To morrow my Brother Cockwood will
Be another man—So, Boys, and how do you like
The flesh and blood of the Jollies—Heuk, Sly
Girl—and Mad-cap, Hey—come, come, you have
Heard them exercise their Tongues a while; now
You shall see them ply their feet a little. This is
A clean Limb'd Wench, and has neither spavin,
Splinter, nor Wind-gall; tune her a Jig, and play't
Roundly, you shall see her bounce it away like a
Nimble Frigot before a fresh gale—Hey, methinks I
See her under sail already.
[Gatty dances a Jig.
Sir Jos.
Hey my little Mad-cap—Here's a Girl of
The true breed of the Jollies, i'faith—But hark you,
Hark you, a Consultation, Gentlemen—Bear up,
Brother Cockwood, a little: What think you,
If we pack these idle Huswives to Bed now,
And retire into a Room by our selves, and have
A merry Catch, and a Bottle or two of the
Best, and perfect the good work we have
So unanimously carry'd on to day?
Sir Oliver.
A most admirable Intrigue—Tan, dan,
Da, ra, dan, come, come, march to your several
Quarters: Go, we have sent for a civil person or two,
27
La. Cock.
This is a barbarous return of
All my kindness.
Free., Court.
Your humble Servant, Madam.
[Ex. La. Cockwood and Sentry.
Court.
Hark you! Hark you! Ladies do not harbor
Too ill an opinion of us, for faith, when you have
Had a little more experience of the World, you'll
Find we are no such abominable Rascals.
Gatty.
We shall be so charitable to think no worse
Of you, than we do of all mankind for your
Sakes, onely that you are perjur'd, perfidious,
Inconstant, ingrateful.
Free.
Nay, nay, that's enough in all conscience Ladies,
And now you are sensible what a shameful thing
It is to break ones word, I hope you'll be more
Careful to keep yours to morrow.
Gatty.
Invent an Oath, and let it be so horrid—.
Cour.
Nay, nay, it is too late for Raillery, i'faith Ladies.
Gatty., Aria.
Well, your servant then.
Free., Court.
Your servant, Ladies,
Sir Oliver.
Now the enemy's march'd out—
Sir Jos,
Then the Castle's our own Boys—Hey.
And here and there I had her,
And every where I had her,
Her toy was such, that every touch
Would make a Lover madder?
And every where I had her,
Her toy was such, that every touch
Would make a Lover madder?
Free., Court.
Hey brave Sir Joslin.
Sir Oliver;
Ah my dear little witty Joslin, let me
Hug thee.
Sir Joslin.
Strike up you obstreperous Rascals; and
March along before us:
[Exeunt Singing and Dancing.
| She wou'd if She cou'd | |