University of Virginia Library

SCENE II.

New Spring-Garden.
Enter Sir Joslin, Rake-hell, and Waiter.
Wait.
Will you be pleas'd to walk into
An Arbor, Gentlemen?

Sir Jos.
By and by, good Sir.

Rake.
I wonder Sir Oliver is not come yet.

Sir Jos.
Nay, he will not fail I warrant thee,
Boy; but what's the matter with thy Nose,
My little Rake-hel?

Rake.
A foolish accident; jesting at the Fleece
This Afternoon, I mistook my man a little, a dull
Rogue that could not understand Raillery,
Made a sudden Repertee with a Quart-pot,
Sir Joslin.

Sir Jos.
Why didst not thou stick him to the
Wall, my little Rake-hell?

Rake.
The truth is, Sir Joslin, he deserv'd it;
But look you, in case of a doubtful wound,
I am unwilling to give my friends too often the
Trouble to bail me; and if it shou'd be
Mortal, you know a younger Brother has
Not wherewithal to rebate the edge of a
Witness, and mollifie the hearts of a Jury.

Sir Jos.
This is very prudently consider'd indeed.

Rake.
'Tis time to be wise, Sir; my courage has
Almost run me out of a considerable annuity.
When I liv'd first about this Town, I agreed
With a Surgeon for Twenty pounds a Quarter
To cure me of all the Knocks, Bruises, and
Green Wounds I shou'd receive, and in one half
Year the poor Fellow beg'd me to be releas'd
Of his bargain, and swore I wou'd undo him
Else in Lint and Balsom.

Enter Sir Oliver.
Sir Jos.
Ho! here's my Brother Cockwood come—

Sir Oliv.
I, Brother Jolly, I have kept my word,
You see; but 'tis a barbarous thing to abuse my
Lady, I have had such a proof of her Vertue,
I will tell thee all anon.
But where's Madam Rampant, and the rest of
The Ladies, Mr. Rake-hell?

Rake.
Faith, Sir, being disappointed at noon,
They were unwilling any more to set a certainty
At hazard: 'Tis Term-time, and they have
Severally betook themselves, some to their
Chamber-practice, and others to the places
Of Publick Pleading.

Sir Oliv.
Faith, Brother Jolly, let us ev'n go into
An Arbor. and then fegue Mr. Rake-hell.

Sir Jos.
With all my heart, wou'd we had
Madam Rampant.
Sings.
Hey, Boys! Come, come, come! let's in.
And delay our sport no longer.

Exit singing, She'll not start from her, &c.
Enter Courtal and Freeman severally.
Court.
Freeman!

Free.
Courtal, what the Devil's the matter with
Thee? I have observ'd thee prying up and down
The Walks like a Citizen's Wife that has dropt
Her Holiday Pocket handkercher.

Court.
What unlucky Devil has brought thee hither?

Free.
I believe a better natur'd Devil then yours,
Courtal, if a Leveret be better Meat then an old
Puss, that has been cours'd by most of the young
Fellows of her Country: I am not working my
Brain for a Counter-plot, a disappointment is not
My bus'ness.

Court.
You are mistaken, Freeman: Prithee be
Gone, and leave me the Garden to my self, or I
Shall grow as testy as an old Fowler that is put
By his shoot, after he has crept half a mile
Upon his belly.

Free.
Prithee be thou gone, or I shall take it as
Unkindly as a Chymist wou'd, if thou should'st
Kick down his Limbeck in the very minute
That he look'd for projection.

Court.
Come, come, you must yield, Freeman,
Your bus'ness cannot be of such consequence as mine.

Free.
If ever thou hadst a bus'ness of such
Consequence in thy life as mine is, I will condescend
To be made incapable of affairs presently.

Court.
Why, I have an appointment made me,
Man, without my seeking, by a Woman for
Whom I wou'd have mortgag'd my whole
Estate to have had her abroad but to break
A Cheese-cake.

Free.
And I have an appointment made me without
My seeking too, by such a she, that I will break the
Whole Ten Commandments, rather then
Disappoint her of her breaking one.

Court.
Come, you do but jest, Freeman, a forsaken
Mistress cou'd not be more malicious then thou
Art: Prithee be gone.

Free.
Prithee do thou be gone.

Court.
'Sdeath! the sight of thee will scare
My Woman for ever.

Free.
'Sdeath! the sight of thee will make my
Woman believe me the falsest Villain breathing.

Court.
We shall stand fooling, till we are both
Undone, and I know not how to help it.

Free.
Let us proceed honestly like Friends,
Discover the truth of things to one another, and
If we cannot reconcile our bus'ness, we will
Draw Cuts, and part fairly.

Court.
I do not like that way; for talk is onely
Allowable at the latter end of an Intrigue, and
Shou'd never be us'd at the beginning of an
Amor, for fear of frighting a young Lady from
Her good intentions—yet I care not, though I
Read the Letter, but I will conceal the name.

Free.
I have a Letter too, and am content
To do the same.

Court.
Reads.
Sir, in sending you this Letter, I
Proceed against the modesty of our Sex—

Free.
'Sdeath, this begins just like my Letter.

Court.
Do you read on then—

Free.
Reads.
But let not the good opinion I have
Conceiv'd of you, make you too severe in your
Censuring of me—

Court.
Word for word.

Free.
Now do you read agen

Court.
Reads.
If you give your self the trouble to be
Walking in the new Spring-Garden this Evening, I
Will meet you there, and tell you a secret, which
I have reason to fear, because it comes to your
Knowledge by my means, will you make you hate
Your humble Servant.

Free.
Verbatim my Letter, Hey-day!

Court.
Prithee lets compare the hands.

[They compare 'em.
Free.
'Sdeath, the hand's the same.

Court.
I hope the name is not the same too—

Free.
If it be, we are finely jilted, faith.

Court.
I long to be undeceiv'd; prithee do
Thou show first, Freeman.

Free.
No—but both together, if you will.

Court.
Agreed.

Free.
Ariana.

Court.
Gatty—Ha, ha, ha.

Free.
The little Rogues are masculine in their
Proceedings, and have made one another
Confidents in their Love.

Court.
But I do not like this altogether so well,
Franck; I wish they had appointed us several
Places: For though 'tis evident they have
Trusted one another with the bargain, no
Woman ever Seals before Witness.

Free.
Prithee how didst thou escape the snares
Of the old Devil this Afternoon?

Court.
With much ado: Sentry had set me; if her
Ladiship had got me into her clutches, there
Had been no getting off without a rescue,
Or paying down the Money; for she
Always Arrests upon Execution.

Free.
You made a handsom lie to her Woman.

Court.
For all this, I know she's angry; for she
Thinks nothing a just excuse in these cases,
Though it were to save the forfeit of a Mans
Estate, or reprieve the life of her own
Natural Brother.

Free.
Faith, thou hast not done altogether like
A Gentleman with her; thou should'st fast thy
Self up to a stomach now and then, to oblige
Her; if there were nothing in it, but the hearty
Welcome, methinks 'twere enough to make thee
Bear sometimes with the homeliness of the fare.

Court.
I know not what I might do in a Camp,
Where there were no other Woman; but I shall
Hardly in this Town, where there is such plenty,
Forbear good meat, to get my self an
Appetite to Hors-flesh.

Free.
This is rather an aversion in thee, then any
Real fault in the Woman; if this lucky bus'ness
Had not fallen out, I intended with your good
Leave to have out-bid you for her Ladiships
Favor.

Court.
I should never have consented to that, Franck;
Though I am a little resty at present, I am not such
A Jade, but I should strain if another rid against
Me; I have e'er now lik'd nothing in a Woman
That I have lov'd at last in spight onely,
Because another had a mind to her.

Free.
Yonder are a couple of Vizards tripping
Towards us.

Court.
'Tis they, i'faith.

Free.
We need not divide, since they come together.

Court.
I was a little afraid when we compar'd
Letters, they had put a trick upon us; but now I
Am confirm'd they are mighty honest.

Enter Ariana and Gatty.
Aria.
We cannot avoid 'em.

Gat.
Let us dissemble our knowledge of their
Bus'ness a little, and then take 'em down in
The height of their assurance.

Court., Free.
Your Servant, Ladies.

Aria.
I perceive it is as impossible, Gentlemen,
To walk without you, as without our shadows;
Never were poor Women so haunted by the
Ghosts of their self-murdered Lovers.

Gat.
If it should be our good Fortunes to have
You in love with us, we will take care you
Shall not grow desperate, and leave the
World in an ill humor.

Aria.
If you shou'd, certainly your ghosts
Would be very malicious.

Court.
'Twere pitty you should have your Curtains
Drawn in the dead of the night, and your pleasing
Slumbers interrupted by any thing but flesh
And blood, Ladies.

Free.
Shall we walk a turn?

Aria.
By your selves, if you please.

Gat.
Our company may put a constraint upon
You; for I find you daily hover about these
Gardens, as a Kite does about a backside,
Watching an opportunity to catch up the Poultry.

Aria.
Wo be to the Daughter or Wife of some
Merchant-Taylor, or poor Felt-maker now;
For you seldom row to Fox-hall without
Some such Plot against the City.

Free.
You wrong us, Ladies, our bus'ness has
Happily succeeded, since we have the
Honor to wait upon you.

Gat.
You could not expect to see us here.

Court.
Your true Lover, Madam, when he misses
His Mistress, is as restless as a Spaniel that has
Lost his Master; he ranges up and down
The Plays, the Park, and all the Gardens, and
Never stays long, but where he has the
Happiness to see her.

Gat.
I suppose your Mistress, Mr. Courtal, is
Always the last Woman you are acquainted with.

Court.
Do not think, Madam, I have that false
Measure of my acquaintance, which Poets have
Of their Verses, always to think the last best,
Though I esteem you so, in justice to your merit.

Gat.
Or if you do not love her best, you always
Love to talk of her most; as a barren Coxcomb
That wants discourse, is ever entertaining
Company out of the last Book he read in.

Court.
Now you accuse me most unjustly, Madam;
Who the Devil, that has common sense, will go a
Birding with a Clack in his Cap?

Aria.
Nay, we do not blame you, Gentlemen,
Every one in their way; a Huntsman talks of his
Dogs, a Falconer of his Hawks, a Jocky of
His Horse, and a Gallant of his Mistress.

Gat.
Without the allowance of this Vanity, an
Amor would soon grow as dull as Matrimony.

Court.
Whatsoever you say, Ladies, I cannot
Believe you think us men of such abominable
Principles.

Free.
For my part, I have ever held it as ingrateful
To boast of the favors of a Mistress, as to deny
The courtesies of a Friend.

Court.
A Friend that bravely ventures his life in
The field to serve me, deserves but equally with
A Mistress that kindly exposes her Honor to
Oblige me, especially when she does it as
Generously too, and with as little ceremony.

Free.
And I would no more betray the Honor
Of such a Woman, then I would the life of a
Man that shou'd rob on purpose to supply me.

Gat.
We believe you Men of Honor, and know
It is below you to talk of any Woman that deserves it.

Aria.
You are so generous, you seldom insult
After a Victory.

Gat.
And so vain, that you always triumph
Before it.

Court.
'Sdeath! what's the meaning of all this?

Gat.
Though you find us so kind, Mr. Courtal,
Pray do not tell Mistress Gazet to morrow, that
We came hither on purpose this Evening
To meet you.

Court.
I wou'd as soon Print it, and fee a Fellow
To post it up with the Play-bills.

Gat.
You have repos'd a great deal of confidence
In her, for all you pretend this ill opinion
Of her secrecy now.

Court.
I never trusted her with the name of a
Mistress, that I should be jealous of, if I saw her
Receive fruit, and go out of the Play-
House with a stranger.

Gat.
For ought as I see, we are infinitely
Oblig'd to you, Sir.

Court.
'Tis impossible to be insensible of so
Much goodness, Madam.

Gat.
What goodness, pray Sir?

Court.
Come, come, give over this Raillery.

Gat.
You are so ridiculously unworthy, that 'twere
A folly to reprove you with a serious look.

Court.
On my Conscience, your heart begins to
Fail you now we are coming to the point, as a
Young Fellow's that was never in the field before.

Gat.
You begin to amaze me.

Court.
Since you your self sent the challenge,
You must not in Honor flie off now.

Gat.
Challenge! Oh Heavens! this confirms
All: Were I a Man, I would kill thee for the
Injuries thou hast already done me.

Free.
to Aria.
Let not your suspicion of my
Unkindness make you thus scrupulous; was ever
City ill treated, that surrendred without Assault
Or Summons?

Aria.
Dear Sister, what ill spirit brought us
Hither? I never met with so much impudence
In my life.

Court.
aside.
Hey Jilts! they are as good as it
Already, as the old one i'faith.

Free.
Come, Ladies, you have exercis'd your
Wit enough; you wou'd not venture Letters
Of such consequence for a jest onely.

Gat.
Letters! Bless me, what will this come to?

Court.
To that none of us shall have cause to
Repent I hope, Madam.

Aria.
Let us flie 'em, Sister, they are Devils,
And not men, they could never be so
Malicious else.

Enter Lady Cockwood and Sentry.
La. Cock.
Your Servant, Cosins.

Court.
starting.
Ho my Lady Cockwood! My ears
Are grown an inch already.

Aria.
My Lady! She'll think this an appointment,
Sister.

Free.
This is Madam Matchiavil, I suspect, Courtal.

Court.
Nay, 'tis her plot doubtless: Now am I
As much out of countenance, as I should be if Sir Oliver
Should take me making bold with her Ladiship.

La. Cock.
Do not let me discompose you,
I can walk alone, Cosins.

Gat.
Are you so uncharitable, Madam, to think
We have any business with 'em?

Aria.
It has been our ill fortune to meet 'em
Here, and nothing could be so lucky as your
Coming, Madam, to free us from 'em

Gat.
They have abus'd us in the grossest manner.

Aria.
Counterfeited Letters under our hands.

La. Cock.
Never trouble your selves, Cosins, I
Have heard this is a common practice with such
Unworthy men: Did they not threaten to divulge
Them, and defame you to the World?

Gat.
We cannot believe they intend any thing
Less, Madam.

La. Cock.
Doubtless, they had such a mean opinion
Of your Wit and Honor, that they thought to
Fright you to a base compliance with their
Wicked purposes.

Aria.
I hate the very sight of 'em.

Gat.
I could almost wish my self a disease, to
Breathe infection upon 'em.

Court.
Very pretty! we have carried on our designs
Very luckily against these young Ladies.

Free.
We have lost their good opinion for ever.

La. Cock.
I know not whether their folly or their
Impudence be greater, they are not worth your
Anger, they are onely fit to be laught at, and despis'd.

Court.
A very fine old Devil this!

La. Cock.
Mr. Freeman, this is not like a Gentleman,
To affront a couple of young Ladies thus; but I
Cannot blame you so much, you are in a manner a
Stranger to our Family: But I wonder how that
Base man can look me in the face, considering
How civilly he has been treated at our house.

Court.
The truth is, Madam, I am a Rascal; but I
Fear you have contributed to the making me so:
Be not as unmerciful as the Devil is to a poor sinner.

Sent.
Did you ever see the like? Never trust
Me, if he has not the confidence to make my
Vertuous Lady accessary to his wickedness.

La. Cock.
Ay Sentry! 'tis a miracle, if my Honor
Escapes, considering the access which his greatness
With Sir Oliver has given him daily to me.

Free.
Faith, Ladies, we did not counterfeit these
Letters, we are abus'd as well as you.

Court.
I receiv'd mine from a Porter at the Kings
Play-house, and I will show it you, that you may
See if you know the hand.

La. Cock.
Sentry, are you sure they never saw
Any of your Writing?

Court.
'Sdeath! I am so discompos'd, I know
Not where I have put it.

Sent.
Oh Madam! now I remember my self,
Mistress Gatty help'd me once to indite a Letter
To my Sweet-heart.

La. Cock.
Forgetful Wench! then I am undone.

Court.
Oh here it is—Hey, who's here?

[As he has the Letter in hand, enter Sir Joslin, Sir Oliver, and Rake-hell, all drunk, with Musick.

They sing.
She's no Mistress of mine
That drinks not her Wine,
Or frowns at my Friends drinking motions;
If my Heart thou would'st gain,
Drink thy Bottle of Champaign.
'Twill serve thee for Paint and Love-potions.

Sir Oliv.
Who's here? Courtal, in my Ladies
Company! I'll dispatch him presently;
Help me, Brother Jolly.

He draws.
La. Cock.
For Heavens sake, Sir Oliver!

Courtal
drawing.
What do you mean, Sir?

Sir Oliv.
I'll teach you more manners, then
To make your attempts on my Lady, Sir.

La. Cock. and Sent.
Oh! Murder, Murder!

[They shriek.
La. Cock.
Save my dear Sir Oliver, Oh my
Dear Sir Oliver!

[The young Ladies shriek and run out, they all draw to part 'em, they fight off the Stage, she shrieks and runs out.