University of Virginia Library

ACT V.

SCENE, before Antonio's House.
Enter Lelio and Cricca, out of the House.
Cric.
'Tis the only way, Sir, humour but the bumpkin,
And fortune cannot trick us; Armellina's ready,
So am I—and here comes Trincalo.
[Exit Cric.

Enter Trincalo.
Trin.
This rascal, Cricca, with his arguments
Of malice, so disturbs my gentle thoughts,
That I half doubt I am not what I seem:
But that will soon be clear'd; if they receive me
In at Antonio's house, I am Antonio.

Lel.
Signior Antonio, my most loving father!
Blest be the day and hour of your return.

Trin.
Son Lelio! a blessing on my child; I pray thee tell me,
How fares my servant Armellina? well?

Lel.
Have you forgot my sister Flavia?

Trin.
What, my dear daughter Flavia? no, but first
Call Armellina: for this day we'll celebrate
A gleek of marriages: Pandolfo and Flavia,
Sulpitia and myself, and Trincalo
With Armellina. Call her, good Lelio, quickly.

Lel.
I will, Sir.

[Exit.
Trin.
So: 'tis well that Lelio
Confesseth me his father. Now I am perfect,
Perfect Antonio.

Enter Armillina.
Arm.
Signior Antonio!
My long expected master!

Trin.
O Armellina!
Come, let me kiss thy brow like mine own daughter.

Arm.
'Tis too great a favour—alas! how feeble
Yyou are grown with your long travel!

Trin.
True, being drown'd,
Nothing so griev'd me, as to lose thy company.
But since I am safe return'd, for thy good service,
I'll help thee to a husband.

Arm.
A husband, Sir?
Some young and handsome youth, or else I'll none.

Trin.
To one that loves thee dearly, dearly wench;
A goodly man, like me in limbs and fashion.

Arm.
Fie, an old man! how! cast myself away,
And be no nurse but his?

Trin.
He's not like me
In years and gravity, but fair proportion;
A handsome well set man as I.

Arm.
His name?

Trin.
'Tis Tom Trincalo of Totnam.

Arm.
Signior Pandolfo's handsome farmer?

Trin.
That's he.

Arm.
Most unexpected happiness! 'tis the man
I more esteem than my own life: sweet master,
Procure that match, and think me satisfied
For all my former service without wages:
But ah, I fear you jest. My poor unworthiness
Hopes not so great a fortune as sweet Trincalo.
No, wretched Armellina, in and despair:
Back to thy mournful dresser; there lament
Thyself to kitchen-stuff, and burn to ashes,
For love of thy sweet farmer.

Trin.
Alas! poor soul,
How prettily she weeps for me!—Wilt see him?

Arm.
My soul waits in my eyes, and leaves my body
Senseless.

Trin.
Then swear to keep my counsel.

Arm.
I swear
By th'beauteous eyes of Trincalo.

Trin.
Why, I am Trincalo.

Arm.
Your worship, Sir! why do you flout your servant,
Right worshipful Antonio, my reverend master?

Trin.
Pox of Antonio, I am Tom Trincalo.
Why laugh'st thou?

Arm.
'Tis desire and joy,
To see my sweetest.

Trin.
Look upon me and see him.

Arm.
I say I see Antonio, and none other.

Trin.
I am within, thy love: without, thy master.
Th'astrologer transform'd me for a day.

Arm.
Mock not your poor maid, pray you, Sir.

Trin.
I do not.
Now would I break this head against the stones,
To be unchang'd; fie on this gentry, it sticks
Like bird-lime. Carry me to your chamber.
And there we'll talk the matter over.

Arm.
O Sir, by no means: but with my lovely farmer
I'd stay all night, and thank him.

Trin.
Cross misfortune!
Accurst Albumazar! and mad Pandolfo!
To change me thus, that when I most desire
To be myself, I cannot. Armellina,
Fetch me a looking-glass.

Arm.
To what end?

Trin.
Fetch one.
Let my old master's business sink or swim,
This sweet occasion must not be neglected,
O wonderful!
[He looks in the glass.
Admir'd Albumazar in two transmutations!
Here's my old farmer's face. How in an instant
I am unchang'd that was so long a changing!
—O wonder! here's my old black chin again!—
Now, Armellina, take thy lov'd Trincalo
To thy desired embracements, use thy pleasure,
Kiss thy fill.

Arm.
Not here in public.
T'enjoy too soon what pleaseth, is unpleasant:
The world would envy then my happiness.
Go in, I'll follow you, and in my chamber
We'll consummate the match in privacy.

Trin.
Was not the face I wore far worse than this?
But for thy comfort, wench, Albumazar
Hath dy'd my thoughts so deep i'th'grain of gentry,
'Tis not a glass can rob me of my good fashion,
And gentlemanly garb. Come, my dear.
[Ex. Trin.

Arm.
I'll follow you. So, now he's fast enough.
Thus have I got me a husband, and in good earnest
Mean to marry him—It is a tough clown,
And rich enough for me, that have no portion
But my poor service. Well, he's something foolish;
The better can I domineer and rule him
At pleasure. That's the mark and utmost hight
We women aim at. I am resolv'd; I'll have him.

[Exit.
SCENE, a Chamber.
Enter Lelio, Sulpitia.
Sul.
Lelio! Lelio!

Lel.
O there's the voice that in one note contains
All chords of music: how gladly she'll imbrace
The news I give her, and the messenger!

Sul.
Soft, soft, y'are much mistaken; for in earnest,
I am angry, Lelio; and with you.

Lel.
Sweetest, those flames
Rise from the fire of love, and soon will quench
l'th'welcome news I bring you.

Sul.
Stand still, I charge you
By th'virtue of my lips; speak not a syllable,
As you expect a kiss should close my anger.
For I must chide you.

Lel.
O my Sulpitia,
Were every speech you utter charg'd with death,
I'd stand them all in hope of that condition.

Sul.
First, Sir, I hear, you teach Eugenio
Too grave a wariness in your sister's love,
And kill his honest forwardness of affection
With your far-fetch'd respects, suspicious fears:
You have your may-bes; this is dangerous:
That course were better: for if so, and yet—
Who knows? the event is doubtful; be advis'd;
'Tis a young rashness: your father is your father:
Take leisure to consider—Thus y'ave consider'd
Poor Flavia almost to her grave. Fie, Lelio,
Had this my smallness undertook the business,
And done no more in four short winters days
Than you in four months; I'd have vowed my virginity
To the living tomb of a sad nunnery:
Which indeed for your sake I loath.

Lel.
Sweet, by your favour.

Sul.
Peace, peace: don't sweet me,—you're so very wise
And tip your speeches with your saws, and proverbs,
That you seem to be laying in your winter crop
Before the summer fruits are gather'd; but indeed
Sagacious Sir, I won't hang upon the tree 'till I wither,
Or drop down with over mellowness.

Lel.
Give me but leave.

Sul.
Have I a lip? and you
Made sonnets on't? 'tis your fault, for otherwise
Your sister and Eugenio had been sure
Long time e'er this.

Lel.
But—

Sul.
Stay, stay Sir, your cue's not come yet.
I hate as perfectly this grey youth of yours,
As old Antonio's green dotage. Fy! wise lovers
Are most absurd. Were I not full resolved,
I should begin to cool mine own affection.
For shame consider well your sister's temper.
Her melancholly may much hurt her. Respect her,
On spight of mine own love, I'll make you stay
Six months before you marry me. But what is this so happy
News you have to tell me?

Lel.
Let us haste to Flavia and your brother, and there I
Will unfold a secret, which if rightly manag'd will
Give us all we wish:—

Sul.
Let's away then. But—
Look to't, for if we be not married e'er next morning,
By great love that is hid in this small compass,
Flavia and myself will steal you both away,
To your eternal shame and foul discredit.
Away.

[Exeunt.
SCENE, a Tavern.
Enter Albumazar, Ronco, Furbo, Harpax.
Alb.
How? not a single share of this great prize,
That have deserv'd the whole? was't not my plot,
And pains, and your meer instruments and porters?
Shall I have nothing?

Ron.
No, not a silver spoon.

Fur.
Nor cover of a trencher salt.

Har.
Nor table-napkin.

Alb.
Have we not kept an honest trust, and faith,
Long time amongst us? break not the sacred league,
By raising civil theft; turn not your furt
'Gainst your own bowels Rob your careful master!
Are you not asham'd?

Ron.
No—'tis our profession,
As yours astrology. And in the days of old,
Good morrow thief, as welcome was receiv'd,
As now your worship 'Tis your own instruction.

Fur.
The Spartans held it lawful, and th'Arabians;
So grew Arabia happy, Sparta valiant.

Har.
The world's a theatre of theft: great rivers
Rob smaller brooks; and them the ocean.

Alb.
Have not I wean'd you up from petty-larceny,
Dangerous and poor? and must you to full strength
Of safe and gainful theft? by rules of art
And principles of cheating made you free
From taking as you went invisible?
And do you thus requite me; this the reward
For all my watchful care?

Ron.
We are your scholars,
Made, by your help and our aptness, able
To instruct others. 'Tis the trade we live by.
You that are servant to divine astrology,
Do something worth her livery. Cast figures,
Make almanacks for all meridians.

Fur.
Sell prespicils, and instruments of hearing,
Turn clowns to gentlemen; buzzards to falcons;
Cur-dogs to grey-hounds; kitchen-maids to ladies.

Har.
Discover more new stars, and unknown planets:
Vent them by dozens, stile them by the names
Of men that buy such ware. Take lawful courses,
Rather than beg.

Alb.
Not keep your honest promise?

Ron.
Believe none, credit none: for in this city
No dwellers are, but cheaters and cheatees.

Alb.
You promis'd me the greatest share.

Ron.
Our promise!
If honest men, by bonds and obligations
And instruments of law are hardly constrain'd
To observe their word; can we, that make profession
Of lawless courses, do't?

Alb.
Amongst ourselves!
Falcons that tyrannize o'er weaker fowl,
Hold peace with their own feathers.

Har.
But when they counter
Upon one quarry, break the league as we do.

Alb.
At least restore the ten pound of gold I lent you.

Ron.
'Twas lent in an ill second, worse third,
And luckless fourth: 'tis lost, Albumazar.

Fur.
Satan was in ascension, Mercury
Was then combust when you delivered it.
'Twill never be restor'd.

Ron.
Hali, Abenezra,
Hiarcha, Brachman, Budda, Babylonicus,
And all the Chaldees and Cabalists,
Affirm that sad aspect threats loss of debts.

Alb.
Was ever man thus baited by's own whelps?
Give me a slender portion for a stock
To begin trade again.

Ron.
'Tis an ill course
And full of fears. This treasure hath inricht us,
And giv'n us means to purchase, and live quiet,
With th'fruit of dangers past. When I us'd robbing
All blocks before me look'd like constables,
And posts appear'd in shape of gallowses;
Therefore, good tutor, take your pupils counsel:
'Tis better beg than steal; live in poor clothes
Than hang in sattin.

Alb.
Villains, I'll be reveng'd,
And reveal all the business to a justice.

Ron.
Do, if thou long'st to see thy own anatomy.

Alb.
This treachery perswades me to turn honest.

Fur.
Search your nativity; see if the fortunates
And luminaries be a good aspect,
And thank us for thy life. Had we done well,
We had cut thy throat e'er this.

Alb.
Albumazar,
Trust not these rogues; hence and revenge.
[Ex. Alb.

Ron.
Away, away, here's company. Let's hence.

[Ex.
SCENE, a Chamber.
Enter Cricca.
Cric.
Now Cricca, mask thy countenance in joy,
Speak welcome language of good news; and move
Thy master, whose desires are credulous,
To believe what thou giv'st him. If thy design
Land at the haven 'tis bound for, then Lelio,
Eugenio, and their mistresses are oblig'd
By oath to assure a state of forty pounds
Upon thee for thy life.

Enter Pandolfo.
Pan.
I long to know
How my good farmer speeds; how Trincalo
Hath been receiv'd by Lelio.

Cric.
Where shall I find him? find Pandolfo!
And bless him with good news!

Pan.
This haste of Cricca
Bodes some good: doubtless my Trincalo,
Receiv'd for Antonio, hath given me Flavia.
Cricca!

Cric.
Neither in Paul's, at home, nor in the Exchange
Nor where he uses to converse! he's lost,
And must be cry'd.

Pan.
Turn hither, Cricca, Cricca
Seest me not?

Cric.
Sir, the news, and haste to tell it,
Had almost blinded me—'Tis so fortunate,
I dare not pour it all at once upon you,
Lest you should faint, and swoon away with joy:
Your transform'd Trincalo—

Pan.
What news of him?

Cric.
Enter'd as owner in Antonio's house—

Pan.
On.

Cric.
Is acknowledg'd by his daughter Flavia,
And Lelio for their father.

Pan.
Quickly, good Cricca!

Cric.
And hath sent me in haste to bid you—

Pan.
What?

Cric.
Come, with your son Eugenio—

Pan.
And then?

Cric.
That he may be witness of your marriage.
But, Sir, I see no signs of so large goodness
As I expected, and this news deserv'd.

Pan.
'Tis here, 'tis here, within. All outward symptoms,
And characters of joy, are poor expressions
Of my inward happiness. My heart's full,
And cannot vent the passions. Run, Cricca, run,
Run as thou lov'st me, call Eugenio,
And work him to my purpose: thou can'st do it:
Haste, call him instantly.

Cric.
I fly, Sir.
[Exit Cric.

Pan.
How shall I recompence this astrologer,
This great Albumazar! through whose learned hands
Fortune hath pour'd the effect of my best wishes,
And crown'd my hopes. Give him this chain! alas,
'Tis a poor thanks, short by a thousand links
Of his large merit. No, he must live with me
And my sweet Flavia, at his ease and pleasure,
Wanting for nothing. And this very night
I'll get a boy, and he erect a figure
To calculate his fortunes. So there's Trincalo
Antoniated, or Antonio Intrinculate.—

Enter Antonio, Lelio.
Ant.
Signior Pandolfo! welcome.

Lel.
Your servant, Sir.

Pan.
Well met, Antonio; my prayers and wishes
Have waited on you ever.

Ant.
Thanks, dearest friend.
To speak my danger past, were to discourse
Of dead men at a feast. Such sad relations
Become not marriages: Sir, I am here
Return'd to do you service. Where's your son?

Pan.
He'll wait upon you presently.

Enter Eugenio.
Eug.
Signior Antonio!
Happily welcome.

Ant.
Thanks, Eugenio.
How think you, gentlemen, were it amiss
To call down Flavia and Sulpitia,
That what we do, may with a full consent
Be entertain'd of all?

Pan.
'Tis well remember'd:
Eugenio call your sister.

Ant.
Lelio, call my daughter.

[Ex. Lel. and Eug.
Pan.
Wisely consider'd, Trincalo; 'tis a fair prologue
To the comedy ensuing, Now I confess
Albumazar had equal power to change
And mend thy understanding with thy body!
Let me embrace and hug thee for this service:
'Tis a brave onset: ah, my sweet Trincalo!

Ant.
How like you the beginning?

Pan.
'Tis o'th'further side
All expectation.

Ant.
Was't not right, and spoken
Like old Antonio?

Pan.
'Tis most admirable!
Wer't he himself that spoke, he could not better't.
And, for thy sake, I wish Antonio's shape
May ever be thy house, and's wit thy inmate:
But where's my plate, and cloth of silver?

Ant.
Safe.

Pan.
They come. Keep state, keep state, or all's discover'd.

Enter Eugenio, Lelio, Flavia, Sulpitia.
Ant.
Eugenio, Flavia, Lelio, Sulpitia,
Marriages once confirm'd, and consummate,
Admit of no repentance. Therefore 'tis fitting
All parties, with full freedom, speak their pleasure,
Before it be too late.

Pan.
Good! excellent!

Ant.
Speak boldly therefore—Do you willingly
Give full authority, and what I decree
Touching these businesses, you'll all perform?

Eug.
I rest as you dispose: what you determine,
With my best power I ratify; and Sulpitia,
I dare be bold to promise, says no less.

Sul.
Whate'er my father, brother, and yourself
Shall think convenient, pleaseth me.

Lel.
In this,
As in all other service, I commit myself
To your commands; and so, I hope, my sister.

Fla.
With all obedience: for dispose of me
As of a child, that judgeth nothing good,
But what you shall approve

Ant.
And you, Pandolfo?

Pan.
I most of all. And, for I know the minds
Of youth are apt to promise, and as prone
To repent after, 'tis my advice they swear
T'observe, without exception, your decree.

Fla.
Content.

Sul.
Content.

Pan.
By all the powers that hear
Oaths, and rain vengeance upon broken faith,
I promise to confirm and ratify
Your sentence.

Lel.
Sir, I swear no less.

Eug.
Nor I.

Fla.
The self-same oath binds me.

Sul.
And me the same.

Pan.
Now Antonio, all our expectation
Hangs at your mouth. None of us can appeal
From you to higher courts.

Ant.
First, for preparative
Or slight præludium to the greater matches,
I must intreat you that my Armellina
Be match'd with Trincalo. Two hundred crowns
I give her for her portion.

Pan.
'Tis done—Some reliques
Of his old clown'ry, and dregs o'th'country,
Dwell in him still. How careful he provides
For himself first! content. And more, I grant him
A lease for twenty pounds, a year.

Ant.
I thank you.
Gentlemen, since I feel myself much broken
With age, and my late miseries, and too cold
To entertain new heat, I freely yield
Sulpitia, whom I lov'd, to my son Lelio.

Pan.
How cunningly hath the farmer provided
T'observe the 'semblance of Antonio's person,
And keep himself still free for Armellina!
On to the sentence.

Ant.
Sir,
Conformity of years, likeness of manners,
Are Gordian knots that bind up matrimony.
Now, between seventy winters and sixteen,
There's no proportion, nor least hope of love.
Fie! that a gentleman of your discretion,
Crown'd with such reputation in your youth,
Should, in your western days, lose the good opinion
Of all your friends; and run to th'open danger
Of closing the weak remnant of your days
With discontentment unrecoverable.

Pan.
Rack me no more; pray you, let's hear the sentence.
Note how the ass would fright me, and endear
His service; intimating that his pow'r
May overthrow my hopes. Proceed to th'sentence.

Ant.
These things consider'd, I bestow my daughter
Upon your son Eugenio, whose constant love,
With his so modest carriage, hath deserv'd her.
And, that you freeze not for a bed-fellow,
I marry you, my good old friend with Patience.

Pan.
Treacherous villain!
Accursed Trincalo! I'll—But this no place:
He's too well back'd: But shortly, when the date
Of his Antonioship's expir'd, revenge
Shall sweeten this disgrace.

Ant.
Signior Pandolfo,
When you recover yourself, lost desperately
In disproportion'd dotage, then you'll thank me
For this great favour. Be not obstinate:
Disquiet not yourself.

Pan.
I thank you, Sir.
And that you freeze not for a bed-fellow,
I marry you with Patience—traiterous villain!
Is it not enough to wrong me, and betray me,
But't must be done with scoffs? Accursed Trincalo!
What's that I see?

Enter Trincalo (a little drunk.)
Trin.
You see old trusty Trincalo, your honest farmer,
That will not part from himself hereafter
To serve either you or me.

Pan.
What have not you been transform'd?

Trin.
No. but I have been gulled as you have been
By t'strologer—That's the right Antonio,
And safesy too returnrd from Barbary.

Pan.
Oh me! what's this?

Ant.
Truth itself.

Trin.

What a trouble it is to be out of a man's
self: If gentlemen have no pleasure but what I felt today,
a team of horses shall not drag me out of my profession.
There's nothing among them but borrowing,
compounding for half their debts, and have their purse
cut for the rest, cozen'd by whores, frighted with husbands,
wash'd in wet hogsheads, cheated of their
cloaths, and lock'd up in cellars for conclusion.

Ant,
Poor Trincalo! he repents his gentility

Trin.
Ay that I do from my soul!
And then such quarrelling! never a suit I wore
To-day, but hath been soundly basted; only this
Faithful country-case 'scap'd fist free; and be it spoken
In a good hour, was never beaten yet, since
It came from fulling.

Enter Cricca.
Cric.
News, news, rare news! where's my master?
Where's Signior Pandolfo?

Pan.
Here Cricca, here! no news can raise my spirits.

Cric.
I'll warrant you, the rogues who cheated you are taken:
Albumazar betray'd, and we secur'd 'em.
They were th'astrologers intelligencers,
That robb'd you thro' the south window:—All's safe,
Gold, jewels, cloth of silver; nothing perish'd.
One moment's thought will make you bless your fortune
That hath restor'd you to yourself and treasure,
Both which were lost i'th'foolish love of Flavia:
Why stand you mute, Sir?

Ant.
Come, my old friend,
Let your reflection now take place of passion,
And let our actions suit our years and station;
Let's leave to younger breasts the sweets of Love;
Be it our part to give consent and blessing,
And with our children's welfare fix our own.

Pan.
I clearly see the slavery of
Affections, and how unsuitable my declining
Years are for the dawning youth of Flavia:
Let the blest joys of Hymen compass her and
Her youthful husband, my Eugenio, with
Full content, and may thy days, Sulpitia,
Know no alloy of joy, in Lelio's arms;
My blessing on you all.

Ant.
O happpy change! good Pandolfo
Thus let me shew a friend's, a brother's fondness.

[Embracing.
Cric.
Not to interrupt the present joy,
I beg to be an advocate for one without.
I think a general act of grace should pass;
Therefore as Albumazar of his own accord,
Confess'd, and freely has restor'd your treasure;
Since 'tis a day of jubilee and marriage,
I beg a pardon for the prisoner.

Pan.
I grant it fteely, and now
Let's haste t'assist the marriage and the feast.

Cric.
Why now you shew yourself a worthy gentleman.

Trin.
All parties here seem pleas'd except myself:
—Is there no news for Trincalo?

Pan.
Trincalo thou too shalt feel my joy;
Two hundred crowns and Armillina shall
Be thine, besides the lease of twenty pounds
A year for three lives.

Trin.

Two hundred crowns, and twenty pounds
a year for three lives? then I am a gentleman indeed!
and to make but one trouble and expence of it, I'll
be married too this day, and let my young masters
take care I don't get the start of 'em.

Ant.