University of Virginia Library

Act. 2.

Scen. 1.

Enter Phædria and Parmeno.
Phæ.
As I late bad, see those be hither brought.

Par.
I will.

Phæ.
But carefully.

Par.
It shall be done.

Phæ,
And speedily.

Par.
I Warrant you.

Phæ.
Is this
Sufficient?

Par.
Good God! What neede you aske so?
Would you could find some good commoditie,
As easily as all this will bee lost.

Phæ.
My selfe, to my selfe dearer, am lost too.
Do not so thwartly intertaine the charge.

Par.
No: but will see it done. Would you ought else?

Phæ.
Grace this my present with what words thou canst
And what thou canst, disgrace my riuall from her.

Par.
I had thought o'that, though you had not
Mentiond it.

Phæ.
Ile to the country, and there keepe.

Par.
I Iudge so.

Phæ.
But hear'st?

Par.
What say'y?

Phæ.
Dost iudge I may settle
There to abide without returning backe,
For all the time of my inioyned pennance?

Par.
You? troth I thinke not: either I imagine
Youle pace againe backe to her presently;
Or want o'sleepe ith' night will force you hither.

Phæ.
Ile worke to wearinesse, that I may force sleepe.

Par.
Put this into your taske youle watch wearie.

Phæ.
A way foole, thou talk'st idlely Parmeno:
I sure must weede this my effeminate minde;
My selfe I ouercoker. Can I not
(If need should be) forbeare her company,
Yea, for three dayes together.

Par.
Wonderfull!
For three whole dayes? aduise sir what you do.

Phæ.
The word shall stand.

Par.
Oh you good gracious gods!
Exit Phædria.
What disease call you this? is it not strange
That none should know him the same thing to be,
That erst he was? who late more stay'd then he?
More temperate? lesse vaine? but who comes here?
Enter Gnato with Pamphila, and a waiting wench.
How! troth tis the souldiers Parasite
Gnato; who with him brings the maid along.
As present vnto Thais. Oh rare sight!
Sweete countenance! tis marle but I shall haue
Course entertainement of her here to day
With my decrepit Eunuch. Why her face
Puts downe the Mistresse; Thais selfe doth passe.

Scen. 2.

Gna.
Oh you immortall gods! how farre one man
Outstrips another? and what difference is
Twixt men of braine, and fooles? this argument
Comes to my minde on this occasion.
To day I met one, of my rancke and place;
No niggard pinch-gut: but one, tooke delight
To hauocke out his state in daintie morsels.
I note him rugged, nastie, drooping growne;
Beset with ragges and age. Why how now fellow,
Say I to him, what does this dressing meane?
Marrie, saies he, poore creature hauing lost
All I enioyd, see to what state I am driuen?
Acquaintance, friends, all do abandon me.
Here I beganne (measuring my owne estate)
To hold him in contempt; and schoole him thus:
What, idle drone, hast thou so fram'd thy course
That no hope's left thee? hast thou sent thy wits
After thy wealth? doost not obserue me
One of thine owne ranke and condition?
What cloathing, coulor, neatnesse, plight of body
Haue I? haue euery thing though nothing haue:
And nought possessing, yet do nothing want.
I but (sighes out my fellow) I poore caitife
Cannot indure to be a ieasting stocke,
Nor suffer stripes for money. What, I prithe
(Reply I) should be gotten that way, thinkst?
Thou art cleane wide: in former times, of old,
Such kind of fellowes, shifted out a liuing:
This a new way of birding found by me.
There are a sort of men that faine would shew
To haue rare parts; and yet are nothing so.
I follow these; to these my selfe apply;
Not to make them sporte by my foolerie,
But my owne sport of them I smile on these,
Withall admire their wits: what ere they please
To say I do commend it: if straight way
They do the very selfesame thing vnsay,
I praise that too: ought say they, ought denie?
The same I say, denie for company.
In fine, I on my selfe impose this law:
Their humors at all hands to sooth and claw:
And this is now found the most thriuing way.

Par.
Troth a fine fellow: he of fooles mintes madmen.

Gna.
While thus we talke, we reach to th'market place:
The ioyfull Victlers haste to meete me there;
Fish-mungers, Butchers, Saulsagemakers, Cookes,
And Fishermen: people to whom I had beene
both beneficiall, while my state stood good;
And since twas sunke: and still aduantage them.
These me salute, inuite me home to dine:
Do welcome me. The Hungerstarued fellow
I nam'd, seeing the accompt men made o' me,
And that I sai'd so well, so easily,
Humbly besought me he might learne the made.
I bade him follow that if 't may be wrought,
Like as professed Philosophers haue sought
To keepe their names vp in their sectaries,
According to their doctrines qualities,
Epicures, Cynickes, Stoickes, Platonickes:
So these my followers be stil'd Gnatonickes.

Par.
Do you not note what ease and trusting to
Other mens roast, may worke a man to do?

Gna.
Yet why thus loyter I, and not conuey
This maid to Thais; and her further pray
To come to supper? but sve Parmeno
The souldiers Riuals seruant, at her doore.
Hees melancholy: all's well. Sure the folke here
Are frostie witted: I am now determind.
To play vpon the foole.

Par.
By this their guift
They thinke that Thais now's their owne cocke-sure.

Gnat.
Gnato does greete his chiefe friend Parmeno.
With wishes of much health. What dost man?

Par.
Stand.

Gna.
I see't, but seest ought here does trouble thee?

Par.
Yes, thee.

Gna.
I do beleeue it; but ought else?

Par.
Why askst?

Gna.
Because y' are sad.

Par.
Not I truly.

Gna.
No, be not. But what thinks thou of this maid?

Par.
Thus you now meane, that we are cashierd hence.
Las, all things suffer intercourse of change.

Gna.
Parm'no: for these sixe whole moneths together.
Ile set thee at rest from trudging vp and downe
Or watching to day breake: make I thee happie?

Par.
Me? wounderfully!

Gna.
So I vse my friends.

Par.
I do commend you for it.

Gna.
I detaine you:
Perhaps you were to go some whither else.

Par.
No whither, I.

Gna.
Then I pray a little
Lend me your furtherance: worke my entrance here.

Par.
Well sir go on. Your passage now lies faire
By reason of this maid you bring with you.

Gna.
Would ye haue any cald to you out of th'house?

Exit Gnato and Pamphila.
Par.
Let but two dayes be passed ouer once;
And you that haue the happie readinesse
With your least finger now to ope the doores,
Ile make you many a time hereafter knocke
And kicke your heeles against'hem to no purpose

Enter Gnato.
Gna.
What do you still attend here Parmeno?
Pray, are you plac'd there sentinell, to watch
Least any priuate messenger should runne
Betweene the souldier and Thais hither.
Exit Gnato againe.

Par.
Conceitedly! but indeede they must be
Things extraordinary, that may please
Enter Chærea.
The souldier. But my Masters younger sonne
I spie a coming hither: I do maruell
What tis hath drawne him out of the Pyreum:
For there at this time he is publique Custos.
Tis not for nothing. And he com's in haste:
And (why God knowes) his eyes about doos cast.

Scen. 3.

Chæ.
I am undone she's no where to be seene:
And I that lost sight of her am lost too.
Where may I search? where hunt? whom aske? what way
Take? I haue no direction; but I haue this hope left
Where ere she be, she cannot be long hid.
Beautifull face! hence forward I do blot
Out of the table of my fantasie
All other women: and do fall to loath
These common beauties.

Par.
Marke this yonker too!
I know not what he talkes to himselfe of loue.
Oh my most vnfortunate old master!
Why this is such a hotspurre, if he take
To wenching once, youle thinke his brothers course
meere trickes and gambads in comparison
Of what his furious rage will venture on.

Chæ.
Oh all you gods and goddesses confound
That same old dotard stay'd me on my way;
Let them plague me too, that did deigne to stay:
And further would not slight him. But behold
Here's Parmeno: well met.

Par.
Why are you sad?
Or about what so earnest? whither going?

Chæ.
Troth I not know, nor whither, nor bout what;
I am so vtterly beside my selfe.

Par.
Why how comes this?

Chæ.
I am in loue man.

Par.
How?

Chæ.
Now Parmeno make proofe, what dwels in thee.
Thou knowst thou oftentimes hast promist me,
Bidding me thinke of something I desired;
And thou wouldst shew how thou couldst pleasure me.
And this thou offerdst, when I secretly
Brought to the seller all our victualls to thee.

Par.
Peace idlesbee.

Chæ.
Now on my part tis sound
What I desire let me thy promise find.
Besides it is an action of that value,
Whereon thou mayst spend thy best sweat and labor.
This wench is nothing like our Citie Mammals,
Whom their mothers striue to make low shoulderd;
And lace hard in, to make 'hem appeare slender:
If any grow a little fleshlier
Sh's tearm'd a champion; straightway dieted:
That be they of naturall temper ere so good,
They tamper 'hem to forme of reedes or rushes:
And therefore they are made much on.

Par.
What on yours?

Chæ.
Face af a rare proportion.

Par.
Excellent!

Chæ.
Colour her owne plumpe body; full of mettle.

Par.
Her yeares??

Chæ.
About sixteene.

Par.
The very prime.

Chæ.
Procure her me by force stelth, or intreatie;
I weigh not which way, so I may enioy her.

Par.
Of what condition is she?

Chæ.
Troth I know not.

Par.
Of whence.

Chæ.
Nor that.

Par.
Where dwels she?

Chæ.
As little, that.

Par.
Where saw you her?

Chæ.
Passing a long the street.

Par.
How lost?

Chæ.
That was chafing with my selfe
Iust now as I came hither: neither thinke I
Ther's any liuing on, to whom good happes
Offering well at first, do end more thwartly.

Par.
What mischiefe hath falne out?

Chæ.
Oh me accurst!

Par.
Why, what's the matter?

Chæ.
Aske thou? knowst thou not.
My fathers kinsman, Archidemides?
A man much of his yeares?

Par.
What else?

Chæ.
Whil'st I
Follow the maiden, he comes iust vpon me.

Par.
Vnseasonably o' my word.

Chæ.
Nay verily
Vnluckely. The word vnseasonable
Fits other chances better Parmeno.
I may sweare safe, this sixe or seuen moneths
Last past, I nere happend to see the man;
But now when least I would, or had lesse neede.
Seemes it not strange, how thinkst thou?

Par.
Yes, y' faith.

Chæ.
As distant as he was he huddled to me,
Bow-bent, palsey-handed, blabber-lipt, cough-strangled:
Ho, ho, stay, Chærea (sayes he) Chærea stay;
Chærea to thee I speake: knowes thou my errand?
What is it, say I to him? marrie—marrie—
And halfe an houre after gruntles to me
I haue a triall to be heard to morrow—
And what of that, say I? he answers me
see that thou tell thy father carefully,
That he remember to be early ready
To pleade my cause. This our dialogisme
Tooke vp an houre of time, I askt what else?
No more saies he. I left him; looking backward
To spie the maid, she ith' meane time had turnd
downe this way to our street.

Par.
Tis tenne to one
But he meanes her, that was now brought to Thais.

Chæ.
When I come hither, she's not to be seene.

Par.
Did any companie attend the wench?

Chæ.
Yes, a Parasite and a maid seruant.

Par.
Tis she: Cast of your care: all now is quiet.

Chæ.
Thou talkest from the purpose.

Par.
Nay, but minde the businesse now in hand:

Chæ.
Say doost know her? or sawest her?

Par.
Saw, know her, know where she is?

Chæ.
Oh my sweete Parmeno knowst her?

Par.
I do know her.

Chæ.
And where she is?

Par.
Here, brought to the harlot Thais,
And giuen her for a gift.

Chæ.
Who is so potent
To giue such gifts?

Par.
Thraso the souldier,
Your brother Phædria's riuall.

Chæ.
Thou declar'st
But a hard case my brother stands in then.

Par.
Yould say so indeede, if you had seene the present
Which he prouides to send in counterpoise.

Chæ.
Prithe, what ist?

Par.
An Eunuch.

Chæ.
What, that driule,
That filthy fellow he brought yesterday?
The old man-woman?

Par.
I, the very same.

Chæ.
Hele be coited out o'doores with's present.
But I nere knew, this Thais was our neighbour

Par.
She has not long beene.

Chæ.
I'm a fellow of nothing.
Strange, I should nere haue seene her? but doost heare?
Is she so faire, as she's reported for?

Par.
Yes sure.

Chæ.
But not to be compar'd to mine?

Par.
Tis otherwise.

Chæ.
I prithe Parmeno
Worke that I may obtaine her.

Par.
Ile see toot:
Ile studie for your furtherance and helpe. Command you
me ought else?

Chæ.
Whether now go'st thou?

Par.
Home; to conuey those seruants vnto Thais.
As late your brother chargd me.

Chæ.
Oh blessed Eunuch!
Who is to be there placed in that house.

Par.
Wherein so blest?

Chæ.
Wherein, demandest thou?
That euer has so faire a fellow seruant
To looke on; talke to; vnder the same roofe
Be still with her; sometimes take meales with her?
Sometimes sleepe nigh her?

Par.
What if now your selfe
May be made happie?

Chæ.
Wherein Parmeno?

Par.
Say. Tak's clothes

Chæ.
His clothes? what thence
Will follow?

Par.
Ile lead y'in 'stead.

Chæ.
I note.

Par.
Ile say y'are hee.

Chæ.
I apprehend thee

Par.
You may then enioy
The benefits, which now you said he should;
be present, eate, touch, play, and lie close by her:
Seeing none of'hem do know you, what you are.
Beside your face and yeares are such, you may
Passe easilie for an Eunuch.

Chæ.
Excellent.
I neuer in my life heard better counsell.
Let's in; and helpe to dresse me presently.
Leade me, carrie me, with all speede thou canst.

Par.
What mean'st? troth I but ieasted.

Chæ.
Thou wast's time in prating.

Par.
I haue cast my selfe away.
What haue I done wretch? whither thrust you me?
Will you now force me? Sir I warne you stay.

Chæ.
Let's goe.

Par.
Persist you?

Chæ.
I am fully bent toot.

Par.
Foresee, if th'course be not to hot for vs.

Chæ.
Tis not I warrant thee, let's on.

Par.
I, but
This beane will sure be threshed on my shoulders.
Oh tis a hainous practise we attempt.

Chæ.
A hainous figge: is that a hainous practise,
If I be brought in a baudie house,
And there returne their owne vpon these gibets
And plagues of men? which alwayes hold our youth
In such contempt, and alwayes worke our torment?
If I do now put a like tricke vpon 'hem,
As we by them are still guld? or else rather
Ist fit, we still take their wronges patiently?
I say tis fit I put the ieast vpon her.
Who'l blame me that shall heare on't? euery man
Will say, I fitted 'hem a peniworth

Par.
What meanes all this? If you be so resolu'd
You may go on. But pray you sir hereafter
Lay not the fault on me.

Chæ.
I will not.

Par.
You
Command me then?

Chæ.
Command, charge and compell.

Par.
Ile nere (decline then) your authoritie.
Exeunt Parmeno and Chærea.
Follow.

Chæ.
The powers diuine prosper our course.