University of Virginia Library

Scena 1.

Appetitvs. Along leaue Raw-bon'd flellow in a Souldiers coate, a sword, &c.
Mendacio. Appetitvs.
Mend.

I long to see those hot-spur senses at it, they say they
haue gallant preparations, and not vnlikely, for most of the soldiers
are ready in Armes since the last feild fought against their
yearely enemy Meleager, & his wife Acrasia; that Conquest hath
so flesht them that no peace can hold them. But had not Meleager
beene sicke, and Acrasia drunke, the senses might haue
whistled for the victory.

App.

Foh, what a stincke of gunpouder is yonder?

Mend.

Whoes this! oh oh tis Appetitus, Gustus his hungry
Parasite.

App.

I cannot indure the smoking of Gunnes, the thundering
of drums, I had rather here the merry hacking of pot-hearbs,
and see the reaking of a hot capon. If they would vse no
other Bucklers in warre, but sheilds of Brawne, brandish no
swords but sweards of Bacon, traile no speares, but sparribs of
Porke, and insteed of Hargebush peices discharge Hartichock-pies,
tosse no pikes but boyled pickrills, then Appetitus would
rouse vp his crest, and beare vp him selfe with the proudest.

Mend.

Ah heres a youth starke naught at a trench, but old
dog at a trencher, a tall squire at a square table.

App.

But now my good masters must pardon mee, I am not
for their seruice, for their seruice is without seruice, and indeed
their seruice is too hoat for my diet. But what. If I bee not my
selfe but only this be my spirit that wanders vp and downe, and
Appetitus be kild in the Camp, the Diuill he is as soone, howes
that possible? tut tut I know I am, I am Appetitus, and aliue
too, by this Infallible token, that I feele my selfe hungry.

Mend.

Thou mightst haue taken a better token of thy selfe,
by knowing thou art a foole.

App.

Wel thē though I made my fellow souldiers admire the
beauty of my backe & wonder at the nimblenes of my hee'es,
yet now wil I at saftie at home, tell in what dangers they are abroad,
Ile speake nothing but guns, and glaues, and staues, and
phalanges, & squadrons, and barracadoe, ambuscadoes, palmedoes
blanke point dept, counterpoint, counter scrafe, sallies and
lies, saladoes, tarantantaras, ranta, tara tara, hey

Mend.

I must take the fife out of his mouth or he'le nere adone.

App.

But aboue all Ile bee sure on my knees to thanke the
great—

Mendacio blinds him.
Mend.

Who am I, who am I, who I?

App.

By the bloud-staind fauchion of Mauors—I am on your side.

Mend.

Why, who am I?

App.

Are you a souldier?

Mend.

No.

App.

Then you are maister Helluo the Bear-heard,

Mend.

No, no, he's dead.

App.

Or Gulono the gutty Seriant, or Delphino the Vinter, or
els I know you not, for these are all my acquaintance.

Men.

Would I were hangd if I be any of these.

App.

What Mendacio, by the faith of a Knight thou art
welcome, I must borrow thy Whetstone to sharpen the edges
of my martiall complements.

Men.

By the faith of a Knight, what a pox, where are thy
Spurres?

App.

I need no spurres, I ride like Pegasus on a winged horse,
on a swift Gennet, my Boy, called feare.

Men.

What shouldst thou feare in the warres? hee's not a
good souldier that hath not a good stomack.

App.

O, but the stinke of powder spoiles Appetitus stomack, and then thou knowst when 'tis gone, Appetitus is dead, therefore
I very manfully drew my sword, and flourisht it brauely
about mine eares, kist, and finding my selfe hurr, most manfully
ranne away.

Men.

All heart indeed, for thou ran'st like a Hart out of the field,
It seemes then the Senses meane to fight it out.

App.

I and out-fight themselues I thinke, and all about a trifle,
a paltrie bable, found I know not where.

Men.

Thou art deceiued, they fight for more then that, a
thing called superioritie, of which the Crowne is but an
Embleme.

App.

Mendacio hang this superioritie, Crowne mee no
Crowne but Bacchus Crowne of Roses, giue me no Scepter, but
a fat Capons legge, to shew that I am the great King of Hungarie,
therefore I prethee talke no more of state-matters, but in
briefe, tell mee my little rascall, how thou hast spent thy time
this many a day?

Men.

Faith in some credit since thou saw'st me last.

App.

How so, where?

Men.

Euery where; in the Court your Gentlewomen hang
me at their Apron strings, and that makes them answer so readily.
In the Cittie I am honour'd like a God, none so well acquainted
with your tradesmen: your Lawyers all the Terme
time hire me of my Lady, your Gallants if they heare my name
abused, they stab for my sake: your Trauellers so dote vpon me

as passes, O they haue good reason, for I haue carried them to
many a good meale, vnder the Countenance of my familiarity:
nay your States-men haue oftentimes closely cōueied me vnder
their tongues, to make their pollicies more currant, As for oldmen
they challenge my Company by authority.

App.

I am exceeding glad of your great promotion.

Mend.

Nowe when I am disposed I can Philophy it in the
Vniuersity, with the subtilest of them all.

App.

I cannot be perswaded that t'art acquainted with
Schollers euer since thou wert prest to death in a Print-house.

Mend.

No, why I was the first founder of the 3. sects of Phylosophy
except on of the Peripatetticks who accknowledge Aristotle
(I confesse) their great Grand-father.

App.

Thou Boy, how is this possible? thou art but a Child
and there were sects of Philosophy before thou wert borne.

Mend.

Appetitus, thou mistakest me, I tell thee, 3000 yeares,
agoe was Mendacio borne in Greece, nurst in Creete and euer
since honoured euery where: Ile bee sworne I held old Homers
pen when hee write his Illiads, and his Odisses.

App.

Thou hadst need, for I heare say he was blind.

Mend.

I helped Herodotus to pen some part of his muses, lent
Pliny inke to write his history, rounded Rabalais in the eare
when he historified Pantagruell, as for Lucian I was his Genius,
O those two Bookes De Uera historia howsoeuer they go vnder
his name, Ile be sworne I writ them euery title.

App.

Sure as I am Hungry thou'st haue it for lying. But hast
thou rusted this latter time for want of exercise?

Mend.

Nothing lesse; I must confesse I would faine haue logged
Stow and great Hollings-head on their elbowes, when they,
were about their Chronicles, and as I remember Sir Iohn Mandeuills
trauells, and a great part of the Decads were of my doing.
But for the mirror of Knight-hood, Beuis of Southampton,
Palmerin of England, Amadis of Gaule, Huon de Burdeaux, Sir
Guy of Warwick Martin marprellate, Robin-hood, Garragantua,
Gerilion and a thousand such exquisite monuments as these, no
doubt but they breath on my breath vp and downe.

App.

Downewards Ile sweare for the'rs stinking lies in them.

Men.

But what should I light a Candle to the bright Sunneshine

of my glorious renowne, the whole world is full of Mendacios
fame.

App.

And so it wilbe so long as the world is full of fame.

Mend.

But Sirra how hast thou done this long time?

App.

In as much request as thy selfe. To begin with the
Court as thou didst, I lie with the Ladies all night, and thats the
reason they call for Cullies, and Gruellies, so early before their
praiers, your gallāts neuer sup, break-fast, or Beauer without me.

Mend.

Thats false for I haue seene them eate with a full stomacke.

App.

True, but because they know a little thinge driues mee
from them, therefore in midst of meate they present mee with
some sharpe sauce or a dish of delicate Anchoues, or a Cauiare,
to intice me backe againe, nay more your olde Sirs that hardly
go without a propp, will walke a mile or two euery day to renew
their accquaintance with mee, as for the Academie it is beholding
to mee, for adding the eight prouince vnto noble Heptarchie
of the liberall sciences.

Mend.
Whats that I prethee.

App.
The most desired and honorable art of Cookerie.
Now Sirra in the City I am ---st, st.
O the body of a Louse.

Mend.
What art a louse in the Citty?

App.

Not a word more for yonder comes Phantastes, and
some bodie else.

Mend.

What a pox can Phantastes do?

App.

Worke a miracle if he would proue wise.

Men.

Tis he indeede, the vilest nup: yet the foole loues mee
exceedinglie but I care not for his company for if he once catch
me, I shall neuer be rid of him.

Exeunt Appet: and Mend.