University of Virginia Library

Scen. 3.

Enter Iustice Nimis, Iustice Nihil.
Plus and Minus their Clarkes.
Nim.
Plus!

Plus.
What sayes your worship?

Nim.
Have my tenants
That hold their lease of lust here in the suburbs,
By copy-hold from me, their Lord in cheif,
Paid their rent charge?

Plus.
They have, and't please your worship;
I Receiver generall gave 'em my acquittance.

Parum.
Sir I resigne my Pen, and Inkhorn to you,
I shall forget my hand, if I stay here.
I have not made a Mittimus since I serv'd you.
Were I a reverend Iustice as you are,
I would not sit a Cipher on the Bench,
But doe as Iustice Nimis does, and be
The Dominus-fac-totum of the Sessions.

Nihil.
But I will be a Dominus fac miserecordians
Instead of your Totums: People shall not wish
To see my spurres fil'd off, it does me good
To take a mercifull nap upon the Bench,
Where I foe sweetly dreame of being pittifull,
Wake the better for it.

Nim.
The yearly value
Of my faire manour of Clerken-well, is pounds
So many—besides New years capons, the Lordship
Of Turnball so—which with my Pick-hatch grange—
And Shoreditch farme, and other premises
Adjoyning,—very good, a pretty maintenance
To keepe a Iustice of Peace, and Coram too:
Besides the fines I take of young beginners,—
With harriots of all such as dye, quatenus whores,
And ruin'd bauds, with all Amercements due
To such as hunt in Purly; this is something,
With mine own Game reserv'd.

Plus.
Besides a pretty pittance too for me,
That am your worships Bayly.

Parum.
Will't please your worship sir, to heare the Catalogue
Of such offenders, as are brought before you?

Nihil.
It does not please me Sir, to heare of any
That doe offend; I would the world were innocent!
Yet to expresse my mercy you may read them.

Par.
First here is one accus'd for Cutting a purse.

Nihil.
Accus'd, is that enough? if it be guilt
To be accus'd, who shall be innocent?
Discharge him Parum.

Parum.
Here's another brought
For the same fact, ta'ne in the very Action.

Nihil.
Alas it was for need, bid him take warning,
And so discharge him too; 'Tis the first time.

Nimis.
Plus, say, what hopes of gaine brings this day's sinne?

Plus.
Anaiskyntia Sir was at doore
Brought by the Constable.

Nimis.
Set the Constable by the heeles.
Shee's at certain with us.

Plus.
Then there's Intemperance the baud.

Nim.
A Tenant too.

Plus.
With the young Lady, Madam Incontinence.

Nim.
Search o're my Doomes-day book; is not shee Plus
One of my last compounders?

Plus.
I remember it.
Then there is jumping Iude, Heroique Doll,
With bouncing Nan, and Cis, your worship's sinner.

Nim.
All Subsidy women, goe free 'em all.

Parum.
Sir, here's a knowne offender: one that has
Been stockt, and whipt innumerable times,
Has suffer'd Bridewell often, not a Iayle
But hee's familiar with, burnt in the hand,
Forehead, and shoulder, both his eares cut off,
With his nose slit, what shall I doe with him?

Nih.
So often punish'd? nay, if no correction
Will serve his turne; e'en let him runne his course.

Plus.
Here's Mistresse Fraylty too, the waiting woman.

Nim.
For what offence?

Plus.
A sinne of weaknesse too.

Nim.
Let her be strongly whipt,

Plus,
An't please your worship
She has a noble mans letter.

Nim.
Tell her, Plus, she must
Have the Kings Picture too.

Plus.
Besides
She has promis'd me I should examine her
Above i'th' garret.

Nim.
What's all that to me?

Plus.
And she entreats your worship to accept—

Nim.
Nay, if she can entreat in English, Plus,
Say she is injur'd.

Par.
Sir here's Snip the Taylor
Charg'd with a riot.

Nihil.
Parum, let him goe,
He is our Neighbour.

Parum.
Then there is a stranger for quarrelling.

Nihil.
A stranger! o'tis pity
To hurt a stranger, we may be all strangers,
And would be glad to find some mercy Parū.

Plus.
Sir here's a Gentle-woman of S. Ioanes' his
Charg'd with dishonesty.

Nim.
With dishonesty?
Severity will amend her, and yet Plus
Aske her a question, if she will be honest?

Plus.
And here's a coblers wife brought for a scold.

Nim.
Tell her of cooking-stooles, tell her there be
Oyster queanes, with Orange woemen,
Carts, and coaches store, to make a noyse;
Yet if she can speak English
We may suppose her silent.

Par.
Here's a Batchelour
And a Citizens wife for flatt Adultery;
What will you doe with them?

Nih.
A Citizens wife!
Perchance her husband is grown impotent,
And who can blame her then?

Par.
Yet I hope you'l bind o're the Batchelour.

Nih.
No: enquire
First if he have no wife, for if the Batchelour
Have not a wife of his owne, 'twas but frailty;
And Iustice counts it veniall.

Plus.
Here's one Adicus,
And Sophron, that doe mutually accuse
Each other of flat fellony!

Nim.
Of the two which is the richer?

Plus.
Adicus is the richer.

Nim.
Then Sophron is the thief.

Plus.
Here is with all,
Panourgus come with one calld Prodotes,
Lay treason Sir to one anothers charge;
Panourgus is the richer.

Nim.
Hee's the Traytour then.

Plus.
How Sir the richer?

Nim.
Thou art ignorant Plus;
We must doe some injustice for our credit,
Not all for gaine.

Plus.
Eutrapeles complains Sir,
Bomolochus has abus'd him.

Nim.
Send Eutrapeles to th'Iayle.

Plus.
It is Eutrapeles that complaines Sir.

Nim.
Tell him we are pleas'd to think 'twas he offended.
Will must be law: wer't not for Summum Ius,
How could the land subsist?

Colax.
I, or the Iustices
Maintaine themselves—goe on—The Land wants such
As dare with rigor execute her Lawes:
Her festred members must be lanc't and tented.
Hee's a bad Surgeon, that for pitty spares
The part corrupted, 'till the Gangrene spread,
And all the body perish; he that's mercifull
Vnto the bad, is cruell to the good.
The Pillory must cure the eares disease;
The stocks the foots offences; let the backe
Beare her own sinne, and her ranke blood purge forth
By the Phlebotomy of a whipping post:
And yet the secret, and purse punishment
Is held the wiser course; because at once
It helpes the vertuous and corrects the vitious.
Let not the sword of Iustice sleepe and rust
Within her velvet sheath; preserve her edge,
And keepe it sharpe with cutting. Vse must whet her,
Tame mercy is the brest that suckles vice,
Till Hydra like she multiply her heads.
Tread you on sinne, squeeze out the Serpents braines,
All you can finde—for some have lurking holes
Where they lye hid. But there's within a glasse
Will shew you every close offenders face.

Nim.
Come Plus let's goe in to finde out these concealements;
We will grow rich, and purchase honour thus—
I mean to be a Baron of Summum Ius.

Exit. Ni. Plus.
Parum.
You are the strangest man, you will acknowledge
None for offendors, here's one apprehended
For murther.

Nihil.
How!

Par.
He kill'd a man last night.

Nih.
How cam't to passe.

Par.
Vpon a falling out.

Nih.
They shall be friends I'le reconcile 'em Parum.

Par.
One of them is dead.

Nih.
Is he not buried yet?

Par.
No Sir.

Nih.
Why then I say they shall shake hands.

Col.
As you have done
With Clemency, most Reverend Iustice Nihil;
A gentle mildnesse thrones it selfe within you.
Your Worship would have justice, use her ballance
More then her sword; nor can you endure to dye
The robe she weares, deep scarlet, in the blood
Of poore offendors: How many men hath rigour
By her too hasty, and severe proceedings
Prevented from amendment, that perchance
Might have turn'd honest and have prov'd good Christians?
Should Iove not spare his thunder, but as often
Discharge at us, as we dart sins at him,
Earth would want men, and he himselfe want armes,
And yet tire Vulcan, and Pyracmon too.
You imitate the Gods! and he sins lesse
Strikes not at all, then he strikes once amisse.
I would not have justice too falcon-eyed;
Sometimes a wilfull blindnesse much becomes her;
As when upon the bench she sleepes and winkes
At the transgressions of Mortality:
In which most mercifull posture I have seene
Your pittifull Worship snorting out pardons
To the despairing sinner: there's within
A Mirrour sir like you! goe see your face
How like Astreas 'tis in her own Glasse.

Par.
And I'le petition Iustice Nimi's Clerke
To admit me for his under officer.

Exeunt.