University of Virginia Library

Scen. 4.

Alazon. Eiron.
Rosc.

The next are the extreames of Truth, Alazon one
that arrogates that to himselfe which is not his, and Eiron
one that out of an itch to be thought modest dissembles his
qualities; the one erring in defending a falshood, the other
offending in denying a truth.

Alaz.
I heare you're wondrous valiant.

Eir.
I! alas,
Who told you I was valiant?

Alaz.
The world speaks it.

Eir.
She is deceiv'd, but does she speak it truly?

Alaz.
I am indeed the Hector of the age;
But she calls you Achilles.

Eir.
I Achilles?
No, I am no Achilles: I confesse
I am no coward: That the world should think
That I am an Achilles! yet the world may
Call me what she please.

Alaz.
Next to my valour,
Which but for yours could never hope a second,
Yours is reported.

Eir.
I may have my share;
But the last valour shew'd in Christendome
Was in Lepanto.

Alaz.
Valour in Lepanto?
He might be thought so sir, by them that knew him not;
But I have found him a poore baffel'd snake:
Sir, I have writ him, and proclaim'd him coward
On every post i'th' City.

Eiron.
Who?

Alaz.
Lepanto,
The valour sir that you so much renowne.

Eir.
Lepanto was no man sir, but the place
Made famous by the so-much mention'd battaile
Betwixt the Turks and Christians.

Alaz.
Cry you mercy!
Then the Lepanto that I meant, it seemes
Was but that Lepanto's name-sake. I can
Find that you are well skill'd in History.

Eir.
Not a whit; A novice, I! I could perchance
Discourse from Adam downward; but what's that
To History? All that I know is only
Th'originall, continuance, height, and alteration
Of every Common wealth. I have read nothing
But Plutarch, Livy, Tacitus, Suetonius,
Appian, Dion, Iunius, Paterculus,
With Florus, Iustine, Salust, and some few
More of the Latine: For the moderne, I
Have all without book Gallo-belgicus,
Phillip De-Comino, Machiavele, Guiccardine,
The Turkish and Ægyptian Histories,
With those of Spaine, France, and the Netherlands.
For England, Polydore Virgil, Camden, Speed,
And a matter of forty more, nothing
Alas to one that's read in Histories.
In the Greeke I have a smack or so, at
Zenophon, Herodotus, Thucidides, and
Stowes Cronicle.

Alaz.
Believe me sir, and that
Stowes Cronicle is very good Greeke; you litle
Think who writ it! Doe you not see him? are
You blind? I am the man.

Eir.
Then I must number
You with my best Authors in my Library.

Alaz.
Sir, the rest too are mine, but that I venture 'em
With other names, to shunne the opinion
Of arrogance; so the subt'le Cardinall
Calls one book Bellarmine, 'nother Tostatus,
Yet one mans labour both. You talk of numbring;
You cannot choose but heare how lowd fame speaks
Of my experience in Arithmetique:
She sayes you too grow neare perfection.

Eir.
Farre from it I; some in-sight, but no more.
I count the starres, can give the Totall summe,
How many sands there be i'th' sea, but these
Are trifles to the expert, that have studied
Pen-keth-mans president. Sir, I have no skill
In any thing, if I have any, 'tis
In languages, but yet insooth I speak
Only my mother Tongue; I have not gain'd
The Hebrew, Chaldee, Syriack, or Arabick;
Nor know the Greek with all her Dialects.
Scaliger and Tom Coriate both excell me.
I have no skill in French, Italian, Spanish,
Turkish, Ægyptian, China, Persian Tongues.
Indeed the Latine I was whipt into;
But Ruscian, Slavonian, and Dalmatian
With Saxon, Danish, and Albanian speech,
That of the Cossaches, and Hungarian too,
With Biscays, and the prime of languages,
Dutch, Weltch, and Irish are too hard for me
To be familiar in: and yet some think
(But thought is free) that I doe speak all these
As I were borne in each. But they may erre
That think so; 'Tis not every Iudgment sits
In the infallible chaire. To confesse truth
All Europe, Asia, and Affrick too;
But in America, and the new-found world
I very much feare there be some languages
That would goe neere to puzzle me.

Alaz.
Very likely.
You have a pretty pittance in the Tongues;
But Eiron, I am now more generall;
I can speak all alike, there is no stranger
Of so remote a nation heares me talke
But confidently calls me Country-man.
The witty world giving my worth her due
Surnames me the Confusion: I but want
An Oratour like you to speak my praise.

Eir.
Am I an Oratour Alazon? no;
Though it hath pleas'd the wiser few to say
Demosthenes was not so eloquent;
But freinds will flatter, and I am not bound
To believe all Hyperboles: something sir
Perchance I have, but 'tis not worth the naming,
Especially Alazon in your presence.

Alaz.
Your modesty Eiron speaks but truth in this.

Colax.
I need not flatter these, they'le doe't themselves,
And crosse the Proverb that was wont to say
One Mule doth scrub another, here each Asse
Hath learn'd to claw himselfe.

Alaz.
I doe surpasse
All Oratours. How like you my Orations?
Those against Catiline; I account them best,
Except my Philippicks; all acknowledge me
Above the three great Oratours of Rome.

Eir.
What three Alazon?

Ala.
Marcus, Tullius,
And Cicero, the best of all the three.

Eir.
Why those three names are all the selfe same mans

Alaz.
Then all is one. Were those three names three men.
I should excell them all. And then for Poetry!

Eir.
There is no Poetry but Homers Iliads.

Alaz.
Alasse twas writ ith' nonage of my Muses.
You understand th'Italian?

Eir.
A little sir,
I have read Tasso.

Ala.
And Torquato too?

Eir.
Their still the same.

Ala.
I find you very skilfull.
Eiron, I erre only to sound your judgement.
You are a Poet too.

Eir.
The world may think so,
But 'tis deceiv'd, and I am sorry for't.
But I will tell you sir some excellent verses
Made by a friend of mine; I have not read
A better Epigram of a Neoterique.

Ala.
Pray doe my eyes the favour sir to let mee read 'um.

Eir.
Strange sights there late was seene, that did affright
The Multitude; the Moone was seene by night,
And Sun appear'd by day:—is it not good?

Ala.
Excellent good, proceed.

Eir.
Without remorse
Each starre and planet kept their wonted course.
What here could fright them? (mark the answer now)
O sir aske not that:
The Vulgar know not why they feare, nor what.
But in their humors too inconstant bee,
Nothing seemes strange to them but constancy.
Has not my friend approv'd himselfe a Poet?

Alaz.
The Verses sir are excellent, but your friend
Approves himselfe a thiefe.

Eir.
Why good Alazon?

Alaz.
A Plagiary I mean, the verses sir
Were stolne.

Eir.
From whom?

Alaz.
From me, beleeu't I made 'um.

Eir.
They are alasse unworthy sir your owning.
Such Trifles as my muse had stumbled on
This morning.

Alaz.
Nay, they may be yours: I told you
That you come neare me sir. Yours they may be.
Good witts may jump: but let me tell you, Eiron,
Your Freind must steale them if he have them.

Col.
What pretty Gulls are these? Ile take 'um off;
Alazon, you are learned.

Alaz.
I know that.

Col.
And vertuous.

Alaz.
Tis confessd.

Col.
A good Historian.

Alaz.
Who dares deny it?

Col.
A rare Arithmetician.

Alaz.
I' have heard it often.

Col.
I commend your care
That know your vertues! why should modesty
Stop good mens mouthes from their own praise? our neighbours
Are envious, and will rather blast our memories
With infamy, then immortalize our names:
When Fame hath taken cold, and lost her voice,
We must be our own trumpets; carefull men
Will have an Inventory of their goods,
And why not of their vertues? should you say
You were not wise, it were a sinne to truth.
Let Eirons modesty tell bashfull lies,
To cloake and masque his parts; hee's a foole for't.
Twas heavenly counsell bid us know our selves.
You may be confident, chaunt your own encomiums,
Ring out a Panegyrique to your selfe,
And your selfe write the learned Commentarie
Of your own actions.

Alaz.
So I have.

Col.
Where is it?

Ala.
Tis stolne.

Col.
I know the thiefe, they call him Cesar.
Goe in good sir; there is within a Glasse
That will present you with the Felons face.
Exit Alaz.
Eiron, you hear the newes!

Eir:
Not I, what is it?

Col.
That you are held the only man of Art.

Eir.
Is't currant Colax?

Col.
Currant as the aire,
Every man breaths it for a certainty.

Eir.
This is the first time I hear'd on't in truth.
Can it be certain? so much charity left
In mens opinion?

Col.
You call it charity
Which is their duty: Vertue sir, like yours
Commands mens praises. Emptinesse and folly,
Such as Alazon is, use their own Tongues,
While reall worth hears her own praise, not speaks it.
Other mens mouths become your trumpeters,
And winged fame proclaimes you lowdly forth
From East to West, till either Pole admire you.
Selfe-praise is bragging, and begets the envy
Of them that heare it, while each man therein
Seemes undervalued: You are wisely silent
In your own worth, and therefore 'twere a sinne
For others to be so: The fish would loose
Their being mute, ere such a modest worth
Should want a speaker: yet sir I would have you
Know your own vertues, be acquainted with them.

Eir.
Why good sir bring me but acquainted them.

Col.
There is a glasse within shewes you your selfe
By a reflection; goe and speake 'em there.

Eir.
I should be glad to see 'em any where.

Exit Eir.
Rosc.
Retire your selves againe, for these are sights
Made to revive not burden with delights.

Exeunt omnes.