University of Virginia Library

Actvs II.

Scena I.

Aurelia
. Dorcas.
Why we shall have you get in time the turne
Up of your Eyes, speak in the Nose, draw sighes
Of an ell long, and rayle at Discipline.
Would I could heare from Baneswright, ere Ile be torturd
With your precisenesse thus, Ile get dry palmes
With starching, and put on my smocks my selfe.

Dor.
Surely you may, and ayre'em too, there have been
Very devout and holy women that wore
No shift at all.

Aur.
Such Saints you meane as wore
Their Congregations, and swarm'd with Christian Vermin.
You'l hold cleane linnen Heresie?

Dor.
Surely yes,
Cleane linnen in a Surplesse; That and powders
Doe bring dry summers, make the sicknesse rage,
And th'Enemy prevaile, It was revealed
To Ms Scruple and her husband, who
Doe verily ascribe the German warre,
And the late persecutions, to curling,
False Teeth, and Oyle of Talck.

Aur.
Now she is in
A Lecturer will sooner hold his peace
Then she.

Dor.
And surely, as Master Scruple saies,

Aur.
That was her Schoole-master. One that cooles a feast
With his long grace, and sooner eats a Capon
Then blesses it.

Dor.
And proves it very well
Out of a book that sufferd Martyrdome
By fire in Cheapside, since Amulets, and Bracelets,
And Love-locks were in use, the price of sprats,
Ierusalem Artichocks, and Holland Cheese,
Is very much increased, so that the Brethren,
Botchers I meane, and such poore zealous Saints,
As earne five groats a week under a stall,
By singing Psalmes, and drawing up of holes,
Can't live in their vocation, but are faine
To turne—

Aur.
Old breeches.

Dor.
Surely, Teachers and Prophets.

Scena II.

To Them Baneswright.
Aur.
O Mr Baneswright, are you come? my woman
Was in her preaching fit, she only wanted
A Tables end.

Banesw.
Why whats the matter?

Aur.
Never
Poore Lady had so much unbred holynesse
About her person; I am never drest
Without a sermon, but am forct to prove
The lawfulnesse of curling irons before
She'l crisp me in a morning; I must show
Text for the fashions of my gownes, she'l aske
Where Jewels are commanded, or what Lady
Ith' primitive times wore ropes of pearle or rubyes,
She will urge Councells for her litle ruffe
Calld in Northampton shire; and her whole service
Is a meere confutation of my clothes.

Banesw.
Why Madam, I assure you time hath beene
However she be otherwise, when she had
A good quick wit, and would have made to a Lady
A serviceable sinner.

Aur.
She can't preserve
(To guift for which I took her) but (as though
She Were inspird from Jpswitch) she will make
The Acts and Monuments in sweet-meats; Quinces
Arraigned and burnt at a stake; all my banquets
Are persequutions, and Dioclesians dayes
Are brought for entertainment, and we eat Martyrs.

Banesw.
Madam she is farre gone.

Aur.
Nay, Sir, she is
A Puritan at her needle too.

Banesw.
Indeed?

Aur.
She works religious petticoats; for flowers
She'l make Church Histories; her needle doth
So sanctify my Cushionets, besides
My smock-sleeves have such holy imbroderies,
And are so learned, that I feare in time
All my apparell will be quoted by
Some pure Instructer. Yesterday I went
To see a Lady that has a Parrot, my woman
While I was in discourse converted the fowle,
And now it can speak nought but Knoxes workes,
So theres a parrot lost.

Banes.
Faith Madam she
Was earnest to come to you, had I knowne
Her Mistresse had so bred her I would first
Ha preferd her to new England.

Dor.
Surely, Sir,
You promised me when you did take my mony
To help me to a faithfull service, a Lady
That would be saved. Not one that loves profane,
Unsanctified fashions.

Aur.
Fly my sight
You gooddy Hofman, and keep your chamber till
You can provide your selfe some cure, or I
Will forthwith excommunicate your zeale,
And make you a silent waiting woman.

Banes.
Ms Dorcas,
If you'l be usher to that holy learned woman
That can heale broken shinnes, scald heads, and th'Itch,
Your schoole-mistresse, that can expound, and teaches
To knit in Chaldee, and work Hebrew samplers,
Ile hlpe you back againe.

Dor.
The motion sure is good
And I will ponder of it.

Aur.
From thy zeale,
Ex. Dorcas.
The frantick Ladies judgements, and Histriomastix,
Deliver me. This was of your preferring,
You must needs help me to another.

Banes.
How
Would you desire her qualified, deformed
And crooked like some Ladies, who doe weare
Their women like black patches to set em of?

Aur.
I need no foile, nor shall I think I'me white
Only between two Moores; or that my nose
Stands wrong, because my womans doth stand right.

Banes.
But you would have her secret, able to keepe
Strange sights from th'knowledge of your Knight vvhen you
Are married, Madam, of a quick faining head?

Aur.
You vvrong me, Baneswright, she vvhom I vvould have,
Must to her handsome shape have vertue too.

Banesw.
Well Madam I shall fit you, I doe know
A cholerick Lady which within these three weekes
Has, for not cutting her cornes vvell, put off
Three vvomen; and is now about to part
With th'fourth, just one of your description.
Next change oth'Moone, or vveather, vvhen her feet
Doe ake againe, I doe believe I shall
Pleasure your Ladiship.

Aur.
Expect your reward.

Exit Baneswright.

Scena III.

To Her Bright, Newcut, Timothy, Plotwell.
Tim.
Lady, let me tast the Elizium of your lips.

Aur.
Why what are you? you will not leap me, Sir,
Pray know your distance.

Tim.
What am I sweet Lady?
My Father is an Aldermans fellow, and I
Hope to be one in time.

Aur.
Then, Sir, in time
You may be remembred at the quenching of
Fired houses, when the bells ring backward, by
Your name upon the Buckets.

Tim.
Nay they say
You have a good wit Lady, and I can finde it
Assoone as another: I in my time have been
Oth' University, and should have been a scholler.

Aur.
By the size of your wit, Sir, had you kept
To that profession, I can foresee
You would have been a great persecuter of Nature,
And great consumer of rush Candles, with
As small successe, as if a Tortoise should
Day and night practise to run races: Having
Contemplated your selfe into ill lookes,
In pitty to soe much affliction,
You might ha past for learned: and 't may be,
If you had fallen out with the Muses, and
Scapt Poetry, you might have risen to scarlet.

Tim.
Heres a rare Lady with all my heart, by this
Light Gentlemen, now have I no more language
Then a dumb parrot, a litle more shee'l jeere me
Into a fellow that turnes upon his toe
In a steeple and strikes quarters.

Br.
And why should you
Be now so dainty of your lips? verily
They are not Virgins, they have tasted Man.

Aur.
And may againe: but then Ile be secur'd,
For the sweet ayre oth' parties. If you
Will bring it me confirm'd under the hands
Of foure sufficient Ladies that you are
Cleane men, you may chance kisse my woman.

New.
Ladie,
Our lips are made of the same clay that yours,
And have not been refused.

Aur.
Tis right you are
Two Inns of Court-men.

Br.
Yes, what then?

Aur.
Known Cladders
Through all the Towne.

Br.
Cladders?

Aur.
Yes, Catholick Lovers,
From Countrye Madams to your Glovers wife,
Or Laundresse; will not let poore Gentlewomen
Take physick quietly, but disturb their pills
From operation with your untaught visits.
Or if they be imployd, contrive small plots
Below staires with the Chamber-maid; commend
Her fragrant breath, which five yards of salutes,
At foure deflowers a Rose, at three kils spiders.

New.
What dangerous truths these are?

Aur.
Ravish a lock
From the yellow waiting-woman, use stratagems
To get her silver whistle, and way-lay
Her pewter knots or bodkin.

New.
Pretty, pretty.

Br.
You think you have abused us now?

Aur.
Ile tell you,
Had I in all the world but forty Mark,
And that got by my needle and making socks;
And were that fortie Mark Mil-sixpences,
Spurroyals, Harry groats, or such odde coine
Of husbandry as in the Kings raigne now
Would never passe, I would despise you.

New.
Lady,
Your wit will make you die a witherd virgin.

Br.
We shall in time when your most tyrant tongue
Hath made this house a wildernesse, and you
As unfrequented as a states man fallen;
When you shall quarrel with your face and glasse,
Till from your pencill you have raisd new cheeks,
See you beg suitors, write Bills ore your doore,
Here is an ancient Lady to be let.

New.
You think you are handsome now, and that your eyes
Make star-shooting, and dart?

Aur.
'T may be I doe.

New.
May I not prosper if I have not seene
A better face in signes, or ginger-bread.

Tim.
yes, I for two pence oft have bought a better.

Br.
What a sweet innocent looke you have!

Plotw.
Fye gentlemen,
Abuse a harmlesse Lady thus, I can't
With patience heare your blasphemies. Make me
Your second Madam.

Tim.
And make me your third.

Aur.
O prodigie to heare an Image speake.
Why, Sir, I tooke you for a Mute ith' Hangings.
Ile tell the faces.

Tim.
Gentlemen doe I
Look like one of them Trojans?

Aur.
Tis so, your face
Is missing here, Sir, pray step back againe
And fill the number; you I hope have more
Truth in you then to filch your selfe away,
And leave my roome unfurnisht.

Plotw.
By this light
She'l send for a Constable straight and apprehend him
For the every.

Tim.
Why Lady doe you think me
Wrought in a Loome, some Dutch peece weavd at Mooreclack?

Aur.
Surely you stood so simply, like a Man
Penning of Recantations, that I suspected
Y' had been a part of the Monopolie.
But now I know you have a tongue, and are
A very Man, Ile think you only dull,
And pray for better utterance.

Plotw.
Lady you make
Rash judgement of him, he was only struck
With admiration of your beauty.

Tim.
Truly
And so I was.

Aur.
Then you can wonder, Sir?

Plotw.
Yes when he sees such miracles as you.

Aur.
And love me can't you?

Tim.
Love you? By this hand
Ide love a dog of your sweet looks; I am
Enamour'd of you Lady.

Aur.
Ha, ha, ha, now surely
I wonder you weare not a cap; your case
Requires warme things, Ile send you forth a Cawdle.

Exit.
Br.
The plague of rotten teeth, wrincles, lowd lunges
Be with you Madam.

Tim.
Had I now pen and inke,
If I were urgd I'de faine know whether I
In conscience ought not to set down my selfe
No wiser then I should be.

Plotw.
Gentlemen
How like you her wit?

Tim.
Wit? I verily
Believe she was begotten by some wit;
And he that has her, may beget plaies on her.

New.
Her wit had need be good it finds her house.

Tim.
Her house? Tis able to find the Court, if she
Be chast to all this wit, I doe not think
But that she might be showne.

Br.
She speaks with salt,
And has a pretty scornefulnesse, which now
I'ue seen I'me satisfied.

New.
Come then away;
To Roseclaps.

Tim.
Lead on, Let us dine: This Lady
Runnes in my head still.

Foot.
Sir, My Lady prayes.
Enter a Footman.
You would dismisse your company, she has
Some businesse with you.

Plotw.
Gentlemen walk softly,
Ile overtake you.

Br.
Newcut 'slight her wit
is come to private meetings.

New.
I, J thought
She had some other vertues. Well make hast,
We'l stay without, when thou hast done informe us
What the rate is; if she be reasonable
Wee'l be her Customers.

Plotw.
Y'are merry, Sir.

Ex. Br. New. Tim.
Enter Aurelia.

Scena IV.

Plotwell
. Aurelia.
Nay sister you may enter, they are gone.
I did receive your ticket this morning. What?
You look the Mine should run still?

Aur.
O you are
A carefull brother, to put me on a course
That drawes the eyes oth' Towne upon me, and makes me
Discourse for Ordinaries, then leave me in't.
I will put off my Ladiship, and returne
To Ms Holland, and to making shirts,
And bands againe.

Plotw.
I hope you will not.

Aur.
I
Repent I left th'Exchange.

Plotw.
Faith I should laugh
To see you there againe, and there serve out
The rest of your Jndentures, by managing
Your Needle well, and making Night-caps, by
A Chafing dish in winter mornings, to keep
Your fingers pliant. How rarely 'twould become you
To run ore all your shop to passengers
In a fine sale tune?

Aur.
What would you have me doe?
D'you think I'me the Dutch Virgin that could live
By th'sent of Flowers? Or that my familie
Are all descended of Chameleons,
And can be kept with ayre? Js this the way
To get a husband to be in danger to be
Shut up for house-rent, or to weare a gowne
Out a whole fashion, or the same Jewels twice?
Shortly my neighbours will commend my clothes,
For lasting well, give them strange dates, and cry
Since your last Gorget and the blazing starre.

Plotw.
Prythee excuse me sister, I can now
Raine showers of silver into thy lap againe;
My Vncle's gone to sea, and has left me
The key to th'golden fleece. Thou shalt be still.
A Madam, Pen, and to maintaine thy Honour,
And to new dub thee take this. But sister, I
Gives her a Purse.
Expected you ere this out of the Throng
Of suitors that frequent you, should have beene
Made a true Lady, not one in Type or showe.
I feare you are too scornefull, looke too high.

Aur.
Faith brother 'tis no age to be put off
With empty education; few will make Ioyntures
To wit or good parts. I may dye a Virgin,
When some old widdow which at every cough
Resignes some of her teeth, and every night
Puts off her Leg as duly as french Hood,
Scarce weares her owne Nose, hath no eyes but such
As she first bought in Broad-street, and every morning
Is put together like some Instrument,
Having full Coffers shall be wooed, and thought
A youthfull Bride.

Plotw.
Why sister will you like
A Match of my projection? you doe know
How ruinous our fathers fortunes are;
Before he broke you know there was a Contract
Betweene you and young Sea-thrift. What if I
Make it a wedding?

Aur.
Marry a foole? in hope
To be a Lady Maioresse?

Plotw.
Why sister, I
Could name good Ladyes that are faine to finde
Wit for themselves & Knights too.

Aur.
I have heard
Of one whose husband was so meek, to be
For need her Gentleman usher, and while she
Made visits above staires would patiently
Finde himselfe businesse at Tre-trip ith' Hall.

Plotw.
He's only City bred, one month of your
Sharp conversation will refine him; besides
How long wilt be ere your dissembled state
Meet such another offer?

Aur.
Well Brother you shall
Dispose of my affections.

Plotw.
Then sometime
This afternoone Ile bring him hither; doe you
Provide the Priest; your Dining roome will serve
As well as the Church.

Aur.
I will expect you.

Exeunt severall waies.

Scena V.

Enter Captaine Quart-field beating Rose-clap. Sale-wit and Millicent labouring to part 'em.
Quart.
Sirrah, Ile beat you into aire.

Ros.
Good Captaine.

Quartf.
I will by Hector.

Ros.
Murder, murder, help.

Quartf.
You needy, shifting, cousning, breaking slave.

Mill.
Nay, Mr Salewit, help to part 'em.

Salew.
Captaine.

Quartf.
Aske me for mony, dog?

Ros.
Oh! I am killd.

Mill.
Help, Help.

Salew.
Nay Captaine.

Q.
Men of my coat pay?

Mill.
Jle call in neighbours. Murder. Murder.

Q.
Rascal
Jle make you trust and offer me petitions
To goe oth' score.

Ros.
Good, tis very good.

Mil.
How does thy head sweetheart?

Ros.
Away be quiet, Mill.

Salew.
Roseclap, you'l never leave this; I did tell you
Last time the Captaine beat you what a Lion
He is being askt for reckonings.

Mill.
So you did
Jndeed good Mr Salewit; yet you must
Ever be foolish husband.

Salew.
What if we
Doe owe you mony, Sir, ist fit for you
To aske it?

Ros.
Well, Sir, there is law; J say
No more, but there is law.

Quartf.
What law you Curre?
The law of Nature, Custome, Armes, and Nations,
Frees men of war from paiments.

Ros.
Yes, your Armes Captaine,
None else.

Q.
No souldiers ought to pay.

Sale.
Nor Poets:
All void of mony are privileged.

Mil.
What would you have,
Captaines and Poets, Mr Salewit saies,
Must never pay.

Salew.
No, nor be askt for monie.

Ros.
Still I say there is law.

Quartf.
Say that againe,
And by Bellona J will cut thy throat.

Mill.
You long to see your braines out.

Quartf.
Why you Mungrill,
You Iohn of all Trades, have we been your guests
Since you first kept a Taverne, when you had
The face and impudence to hang a bush
Out to three pints of Claret, two of Sack
In all the world?

Salew.
After that, when you broke,
Did we here finde you out, customd your House,
And helpt away your victuals which had else
Laine mouldy on your hands?

Ros.
You did indeed,
And never paid for't. I doe not deny,
But you have been my Customers these two yeares,
My Jack went not, nor Chimney smoakt without you.
I will goe farther; your two mouths have been
Two as good eating Mouths as need to come
Within my doores, as curious to be pleased
As if you still had eaten with ready money:
Had still the meats in season; still drunk more
Then your Ordinary came to.

Sale.
And your conscience now
Would have this paid for?

Ros.
Surely so I take it.

Sale.
Was ever the like heard?

Qua.
Tis most unreasonable
He has a hardned conscience. Sirrah, Cheater,
You would be questioned for your reckonings, Rogue.

Ros.
Doe you informe.

Quartf.
I heare one oth' Sheriffs
Paid for the boyling of a Carp a Mark.

Salew.
Most unheard of exactions!

Ros.
Yet surely, Captaine.
No man had cheaper reckonings then your selfe,
And Mr Salewit here.

Quartf.
How cheap?

Ros.
I say
No more good Captaine; not to pay Is cheap,
A man would think.

Quart.
Sir, Dont you reckon Aire,
And make it deare to breath in your house, and put
The Nose to charges?

Ros.
Right, perfumd Aire, Captaine.

Quartf.
Is not the standing of the salt an Item,
And placeing of the bread?

Ros.
A new way, Captaine.

Quartf.
Is not the folding of your Napkins brought
Into the Bill?

Ros.
Pincht Napkins, Captaine, and laid
Like Fishes, Fowles, or Faces.

Salew.
Then remember
How you rare sallets, Roseclap; one may buy
Gardens as Cheap.

Ros.
Yes, Mr Salewit, sallets
Taken from Euclide, made in Diagrams,
And to be eaten in Figures.

Quartf.
And we must pay
For your Iuventions, Sir.

Ros.
Or you are damnd,
Good Captaine, you have sworne to pay this twelve-month.

Quartf.
Peace you lowd, bawling Curre; doe you disgrace me
Before these Gallants, See if I don't kill you.

Scena VI.

To Them Bright. Newcut. Timothy. Plotwell.
Br.
Save you Captaine Quartfield, and my brave Wit,
My man of Helicon, salute this Gentleman,
He is a City wit.

New.
A Corporation
Went to the bringing of him forth.

Quartf.
I embrace him;

Salew.
And so doe I.

Tim.
You are a Poet, Sir,
And can make Verses, I heare?

Salew.
Sir, I am
A servant to the Muses.

Tim.
I have made
Some speeches, Sir, in verse, which have been spoke
By a greene Robin Goodfellow from Cheapside Conduit,
To my Fathers Company; and meane this afternoone
To make an Epithalamium upon my wedding.
A Lady fell in love with me this morning,
Ask Mr Francis here.

Plotw.
Heart you spoile all,
Did not I charge you to be silent?

Tim.
That's true,
I had forgot. you are a Captaine, Sir?

Quartf.
I have seen service, Sr.

Tim.
Captain I love
Men of the sword, and buffe, and if need were
I can roare too, and hope to sweare in time,
Doe you see, Captaine.

Plot.
Nay Captaine we have brought you
A Gentleman of valour who has been
In Moore-fields often, marry it has been
To squire his sisters, and demolish Custards
At Pimlico.

Quartf.
Afore me, Mr Plotwell,
I never hop't to see you in silk againe.

Salew.
I lookt the next Lord Maiors day to see you oth' Livery,
Or one oth' Batchelour Whiflers.

Quartf.
What is
Your Uncle dead?

Plotw.
He may in time, he's gone
To sea this morning, Captaine, and J am come
Jnto your order againe. But hark you, Captaine,
What think you of a Fish now?

Qu.
Madwags, madwags.

Br.
By Heaven its true, here we have brought one with us.

New.
Rich Seathrifts sonne, he'l make a rare sea-Monster.

Quartf.
And shall's be merry yfaith?

Br.
Salewit shal make
A song upon him.

New.
And Roseclaps boy shall sing it.

Salew.
We have the properties of the last fish.

Quartf.
And if I
At dinner doe not give him sea enough,
And afterwards if I, and Salewit doe not
Showe him much better then he that showes the Tombs,
Let me be turnd into a Sword-fish my selfe.

Plotw.
A naturall change for a Captaine. How now Roseclap,
Pensive and cursing the long Vacation?
Thou look'st as if thou meanst to breake shortly.

Ros.
Aske
The Captaine why I am sad.

Quartf.
Faith Gentlemen,
I disciplin'd him for his rudenes.

Plotw.
Why these
Are Iudgements, Roseclap, for deare reckonings.

Tim.
Art thou
The halfe Crowne fellow of the house?

Ros.
Sir, I
Doe keepe the Ordinary.

Tim.
Let's have wine enough,
I meane to drinke a health to a Lady.

Plotw.
Still
Will you betray your fortune? One of them
Will goe and tell her who you are, and spoyle
The Marriage.

Tim.
Noe, peace. Gentlemen if you'l
Goe in wee'l follow.

Ros.
Please you enter, dinner
Shall straight be set upon the board.

Br.
Wee'l expect you.
Ex: Br. New. Salew. Quart. Rosecl.
Come Gentlemen.

Tim.
But Mr Francis, was that
The busines why she calld you backe.

Plotw.
Believe it
Your Mothers smock shin'd at your birth, or else
You weare some Charme about you.

Tim.
Not I truly.

Plotw.
It cannot be she should so strangely dote
Vpon you else: slight had you stayd, I thinke
She would have wooed you her selfe.

Tim.
Now I remember
One read my fortune once, and told my father
That I should match a Lady.

Plotw.
How things fall out?

Tim.
And did she ask you who I was?

Plotw.
I told her
You were a young Knight.

Tim.
Good.

Pl.
Scarce come to th'years
Of your discretion yet.

Tim.
Good still.

Pl.
And that a great Man
Did meane to beg you for his daughter.

Tim.
Most rare.
This afternoone's the time?

Plotw.
Faith she
Looks you should use a litle Courtship first,
That done, let me alone to have the Priest
In readinesse.

Tim.
But were I not best aske
My friends consent?

Pl.
How? Friends consent? thats fit
For none but Farmers sonnes, and Milk-maids. You shall not
Debase your judgement. She takes you for a wit,
And you shall match her like one.

Tim.
Then I will.

Plotw.
But no more words to th'Gallants.

Tim.
Doe you think
I am a sive and cannot hold.

Ros.
Gentlemen
Enter Roseclap.
The company are sate.

Tim.
It shall be yours.

Plotw.
Nay, Sir, your fortune claimes precedency.

Exeunt.

Scena VII.

Ware-house. Sea-thrift. Cypher.
Ware-h.
Fetch abroad by two Gallants say you?

Cy.
Yes, Sir,
Assoone as you were gone; he only staid
To put on other clothes.

Seath.
You say my sonne
Went with em too?

Cyph.
Yes, Sir.

War.
And whether went they?

Cyph.
I followd 'em to Roseclaps Ordinary

Ware-h.
And there you left em?

Cyph.
Yes, Sir, Just before
I saw some Captaines enter.

Seath.
Well, I give
My sonne for lost, undone, past hope.

Ware-h.
There is
No more but this wee'l thither straight. You Cypher
Have your instructions.

Cyph.
Sir, let me alone
To make the story dolefull.

Ware-h.
Goe, make you ready then
Now, Mr Seathrift, you may see, what these
Exit.
Young men would doe left to themselves.

Sea-th.
My sonne
Shall know he has a sister.

Ware-h.
And my Nephew
That once he had an Uncle. To leave land
Unto an unthrift is to build on sand.