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2
ACT. I.
[SCENE I.]
Enter Seawit, Topsaile, Cable.Seawit.
The Wind still Southerly? here we are like
To stay till grass grow on our Decks; and all
Our Masts take root, bud forth too and beare Akornes,
Which (as I take't) my Salt-Sea friends, is like
To be our food when all our victual's spent.
How thrives your treasure Cable? when your looks
Are heavy, we shall need small Magick to
Divine your Pockets light.
Cable.
A few Mild-Sixpences, with which
My Purser casts accompt, is all I've left.
Topsaile.
There are ith'Harbour Sir, those of the faithfull
That will trust, upon a good pawne, you must
Ingage your Plate.
Sea.
His Plate! alass! poor Soule,
What Plate hath he more then his Boatswaines Whistle.
As for the Silver Seale, that hung at's wrist,
Whereon was carv'd the Lovers Scutchions Sir,
(The bleeding Heart) that's gone long since t'adorne
His Mistress Court Cubboard, which on a cloth
Of Network edg'd with a Ten-penny-Lace,
Stands now between her Thimble and her Bodkin;
Objects of State (believ't) and Ornament.
Cable.
This Town is dearer then Jerusalem,
After a years Siege; they would make us pay
For day-light, if they know to measure
The Sun-beames by the Yard. Nay sell the very
Aire too if they could serve it out in fine
China-Bottels. If you walk but three turnes
In the High-street, they will ask you Mony
For wearing out the Pebles.
Seawit.
This is your Region Topsaile, for you Seamen
Love to converse of plenty, where you may
Be cous'ned for your ware, and meat, and think
Such negligence becomes a noble spirit,
As well as Thrift a leane Atturney, or
Fat Alderman, untill your Mercer and
Your Man that squeezes your lusty Wine of Greece,
Or brisk Vin-Dy, remove from's smoky habitation
In the Towne, unto your Mannour House?
There ride in triumph o're your conquer'd Land,
As if he did bestride my Lord Mayors horse,
As if your Meadows were Cheap-side, and all
Your Woods the just precincts of his own Ward.
Cable.
And these two Disciples to St. Tantlin,
That rise to long exercise before day,
And cousen'd soundly before noon; these shall
Grow old within your Mannor house, and die
There too, and be buried in your own Chappel;
And have their sinfull Seacole dust, mingled
With th'ashes of your Warlike Ancestors.
Topsaile.
'Tis true, to these unpleasant hazards
Riot and Youth must bring us to:
The gallant humour of the Age, no remedy.
Whilst yet the Mothers blessing quarrels and chimes
Ith' pocket thus: the thrift of Thirty years
Sav'd out of Mince Pies, Butter, and dry'd Hopps.
It must away; but where? In the Metropolis,
London, the Spheare of Light and harmony?
Where still your Taverne Bush is green, and flourishing;
Your Punke dancing in Purple,
With Musick that would make a Hermit frisk
Like a young Dancer on a Rope. But alass!
There's no such pure materials for delight
In this dull Harbor, I will sooner draw
My Sword, then my purse here, 'Tis a place fit
Only for midnight Battels with the watch.
Cable.
And vildly destitute of Women, here
Are none but a few Matrons of Biscay,
That the Spaniards left here
In Eighty Eight.
Seawit.
Cable, Your Hostesses Daughter at the Hoop,
Desir'd me last night I would speak to you,
For an old Sprit-sail to make her a Smock.
Cable.
You have Mony, Sir, you may be merry.
Seawit.
In sober truth, thou art.
Cable.
Why what am I?
Seawit.
As great a Sinner,
As ere eate Bisket and Salt Beef.
But Gentlemen, it lies much now within
My power, although here windebound and distrest,
To make your sad hearts light.
Cable.
Proceed any news of a late Shipwrack,
Of two strangers seen floating on a plank,
Each with a bag of Porteguez under
His left arme.
Seawit.
No Sir, but since our Navy anchor'd in
This Port, Our fame hath prosper'd so,
That to behold our pride, and strength, there is
3
Totsaile.
How, a Lady?
Seawit.
The very flower and pleasure of the Spring,
And hath a Wit so prosperous, one houre
Of her converse would make a Courtier of
A Carman: so rich, that the Turks vast Army
Cannot starve upon her Land:
Are prime Gamesters the very housewives of
Her Dayrie play at sent: and her Ploughboys
Double their wages at Cribidy and Picket.
Cable.
Well, I'm the Luckiliest Rogue that ever seckt.
By this hand, Gentlemen,
I think if my braines were knockt out o'renight,
I should find them in my skull agen next morning.
O my good Starrs, I do thank your bright Worships!
Send such a purchase hither just in the nick
And period of distress.
Topsaile.
Seawit, a little more intelligence!
VVhere doth this Lady lie?
Seawit.
At widow Carracks house.
VVhere there are wells new digg'd to lay her botled wine;
Grotto's to keep her Person coole, and Kitchins
That would serve Marck Anthony.
Cable.
But will she eate and drink?
Seawit.
How! Doe you think I bring you tidings of
The Maid of Brabant, that liv'd by her smell,
That din'd on a Rose, and supt on a Tulip.
Cable.
I meane will she feed high, and drink deep, like
A Saxon-Bride, untill her Lover sleep
Upon her lapp.
Seawit.
She entertaines, What will
You more gentlemen? I heare not of her Vices.
Cable.
Oh were she but a Whore now, I were made.
For if she be honest, she is not worth
A hollow Tooth.
Seawit.
VVhy Cable? VVhy?
Cable.
Your honest VVomen are still unfortunate
To me, they talke of Marriage, which I am prone too,
Come, call in quickly her dull Deacon! or small
Tyth taker—in his dimmity—Cassack;
And let him squeeze, and joyne our hands, untill
They ake; then there's a pawse; whilst her Parent
VVith a soure brow, and Trencher Beard, strait blasts
My Eare, with an odd heathen word, call'd Joynture:
Well Sir, I as in duty bound towards.
My self promise largely: then Spys are sent
T'inquire for one Captaine Cable of the South,
What Lands, what Farmes he hath; and word is brought,
That all the Purchase he 'ere made, was but
A Noble, for a Mapp, which hangs in his
Great Cabbin.
Topsaile.
Seawit, Your self and I must move alone.
In visitation to this Lady.
Seawit.
Your must excuse me, Sir, he shall along,
The interview will be too calme else. Come, lets prepare,
Guard well your eyes, I'le bring you to a Beauty
Shall put you both unto the wink.
Cable.
Thou art my Admiral, I will fight under
Thy Lee, and celebrate thy mornings draught
VVith a broad-Side.
[Exeunt.
SCENE II.
Enter Carack, Porter, Smoothall.Carrack.
Be careful Porter,
Let not a piece of Canvas, or course Kersey
That smells of Pitch or Tarr, pass o're the Threshold.
Their gross feedings
On fulsome Butter, Essex Cheese, dry'd Stockfish,
And scarce sweet Beef on Festivalls, makes 'em favour
Like the Pumpe of a Ship, and to a tender Nostrill
Is very dangerous.
Porter.
Is't your VVorships pleasure?
Carrack.
VVell answer'd, I am VVorshipful indeed,
For I am rich, and a VVise VVoman told me,
My Gold in time, may make Clowns say mine Honour;
There are examples extant, but proceed
VVith your question to my VVorship.
Porter.
May I suffer no man of VVar to enter?
Carrack.
Yes, your Captaines.
Of the last Edition, and their Officers too;
Nay, I allow young Volunteers, provided
4
Have shut a Mannour in a Trunck of Clothes,
In hope to prove Commanders.
Porter.
VVith your pardon.
VVhat think you of a Buffe Jerkin?
Carrack.
It may pass,
And Shamois too, so it be well embroider'd,
And have a touch of Amber.
Porter.
I am glad oft.
'Tis Captain Cables weare, and I should be sorry
To thrust my self into a certain beating,
By shutting him out.
Carrack.
True, 'tis a boyst'rous Sir,
And should be wellcome in his shirt; but that
His Captainship hates a Priest, and laughs at VVedlock,
But ravins up his flie-blowne Lamb, or Mutton,
Though he meet it in the City, or the Suburbs,
But do your duties,
I'le think of him alone.
Porter.
I shall be careful.
[Exit Porter.
Carrack.
Now to you Smoothall, if that you be vigilant
And marke, and learn the fashions of the time,
'Twill help you sooner to a Husband, then
Your Father Farmers Cropp, or Wooll. Consider
What noble Guests are now under my roof.
The Lady Loveright, not an Heir, and Rich
In expectation only, but possest
Of a huge Estate, four Thousand a year, which came
From her dead Grandmother. The Earl her Father
Hath left it at her dispose, without a Guardian.
Then Mistriss Joynture, one of a good Estate too,
My Ladies Gentlewoman, Mistriss Nightingale,
I may make thee a Gentlewoman, though thy Mother
VVas Goody Smoothall, and do it by my Lords Pattent,
VVhen I am a Baroness, 'tis now in fashion
To metamorphise Chambermaids. The King
Dubs Knights, and new-stampt Honour creates Gentry.
Smoothall.
And' please you the meer hope of this will prompt me
To waite with diligence.
Carracks.
And I'le reward it.
Smooth.
VVhat may the grave Knight be that is so busie
About the Lady of Honour?
Carrack.
Her honours Uncle,
Sir Solemne Trifle. He's a Justice of Peace.
And, in his Countrey, Custos Rotulorum,
He can give a charge to the Fury at Quarter-Sessions
And tell aforehand what will be their answer;
To all his fellow-Justices he speaks gravely,
And will hear none but himself. Have a care of him,
You may have good of his Clark, a handsome strippling,
He hath serv'd already three years of his Prentiship,
And if he thrive out of his Quarter-fees,
He may in time set up for himself. Fall off
My Noble Guests appeare. Now to my posture.
Enter Sir Solemne Trifle, Loveright, Jointure, Nightingale.
Trifle.
See honour'd Neece our carefull Land-Lady,
She bowes most neatly, you would say, and Court-like,
Pray you give me leave.
Carrack.
Madam.
Trifle.
You would excuse agen,
(I know your thoughts) the want
Of apt accommodations to receive
Such noble Guests.
Loveright.
Sir, in my judgement all things.
Trifle.
Are, under pardon, you would say beyond
All expectation of entertainment.
In a Port-Town.
Loveright.
The Gentlewoman, Sir,
Hath ample meanes.
Trifle.
To make this good. I know it,
And that you would adde, she is a rich VViddow,
VVell monyed, and well landed.
Nightingale.
Sir, her husband.
Trifle.
You will be chattering too pert Mrs. Magpie,
Ye shall be no more a Nightingale; her husband,
This you would say; and make a tedious tale of't,
VVith, I forsooth, and no forsooth, but I can
Relate it more concisely (for I hate
Impertinence, and babling) was a Captain,
A stout, and fortunate Captain, and could carry
His ship to any Coast under the Moon,
VVithout the help of his Master; and could use
His Ropes-end on the Ship-boyes, and the Saylers,
As well as his Boatswaine, which did well demonstrate
His skill and valour. Then—
Loveright.
Now give me leave,
You reprehend in others, that which you.
Convince your self of, this is from the purpose.
Trifle.
I come to it now, pray you give me leave.
Carrack.
Excuse me.
Her honour shall have leave, Sir, with your pardon,
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'Tis monstrous, nay abominable: Ile not suffer
Such discipline in my House, I have a Tongue too,
And therefore pray you be silent. I am bold
To interrupt your Honour. But a word
And I have done. 'Tis true I am a VViddow,
And rich too as Sir Solemne sayes. My house,
The best in Portsmouth, and hath entertain'd
An Admirall, and his Mistress too, but they
Have laine in several Chambers on mine Honour,
I should have said my credit, I cry you Mercy,
Heartily Mercy.
Loveright.
There is no offence.
Carrack.
My Husband (rest his Soule in Neptune's bosome)
For his Body hath fed Haddocks) took a prize
From the Hamburghers, and Brasile men, furnisht me
VVith plenty of provision, but grown old
He went to Sea again and died, but left me
A Lusty young Widdow. I must weep to think
How timely he went from me.
Trifle.
Mourne in Silence.
I will discourse the rest. Pray you give me leave.
Carrack.
I cannot, nor I will not give you leave.
Till I have told my story, and how farr
I am her Honours Servant, would
I had meanes to express it, as it is
Pray you accept of't. There is nothing Court-like
Your honour can expect, or I dare promise,
My House is but a simple pile.
Trifle.
I will have leave now,
She should have said, a stately Edifice.
For Orchards, curious Gardens, private walks,
Like an Italian Pallace.
Carrack.
Good Sir Solemne.
Trifle.
Withdrawing Roomes, in every one a Couch,
For all occasions, and uses ready.
Carrack.
That's common, but my Hangings—
Trifle.
Silk and Gold,
I know not whence you had 'em, but I finde
The Rose and Crown and E. R. wrought upon 'em.
I'le save your modesty, you shall not boast of
Your other Furniture.
Carrack,
You will o'recome,
And having read the Inventory.
Trifle.
I can say, that
For the coursest use
You shall have Silver.
Carrack.
A Bed with Utensils
Perchance, or so; but for my Linnen—
Trifle.
That
Exceeds the rest; pure Damask, and perfum'd too,
Her Cambrick Sheets, Downe Beds—Nay, give me leave,
I think I have done you right.
Carrack.
There's something else
You might remember.
Loveright.
Nay, no more, I pray you.
Was there ever such a Medley?
Joynture.
On this Theame
I think she would ever hear him.
Carrack.
Good Sir Trifle.
Trifle.
You would say I thank you—
Joynture.
A new storme.
Loveright.
We are rescu'd?
Joynture.
What are these?
Loveright.
Captains of the Fleet; and sent for
By my direction. You have both spoke well,
Take breath a while.
Enter Loverights Woman.
Woman.
The Captain that sent hither to entreate
Admittance, for himself, and's Friends, attends
Your Ladiships Command.
Loveright.
Entreat him enter.
[Exit Woman.
Joynture.
Shall we be charg'd with Men o'Warr too Madam,
What Captain's this?
Loveright.
Seawit, a fellow that preserves his soule.
So full of mirth, as if he never knew
Calamity, nor sin; why he will make
A Pris'ner laugh upon the Rack: his reason too
Transcends his witt, and's courage equalls both;
The very Darling of the Court and Town.
Enter Seawit, Cable, Topsaile.
Seawit.
If there be trouble in this visit (Madam)
You are to chide your virtues, and your fame,
That doth oblige strangers to love, and serve you.
Loveright.
It is your kindness, Sir, to trust such fond reports;
But I have cause to wish your knowledge of me
May not instruct you to repent your faith—
Seawit.
Your courtesie equalls your beauty, Lady,
Let me press these Gentlemen unto
Your knowledge and respect, they will both strive,
How to deserve it better then my self.
Loveright.
They are your choice, Sir, and that commends 'em.
[Topsaile and Cable salutes her.
Trifle.
All these are mighty men, and have no Money.
Cable.
Topsaile! I pray Heaven she be not honest!
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Wounds my very heart: Ah, what pity 'tis,
So excellent a Creature should be honest.
Topsaile.
Cable, if she but vouchsafe to love me,
That shall appeare no great impediment;
Nor shall you dare to think her honesty
A vice: You mark my words, you shall not dare.
Cable.
If she be honest, in sad homely truth
You must not presume to love her; because
Time, occasion, and the Devil, may make
Her blood turne, and then Sir she's for my purpose.
Doe not look scurvily, 'tis dangerous.
Seawit.
Are you both mad? or do you take this Mansion
For Pick'd hatch. You would be
Suitors, yes to a She-deare, and keep your
Marriages in Paris-Garden.
Topsaile.
No more! we are govern'd!
Enter Woman.
Woman.
Your dinner doth attend your Ladiship.
Loveright.
Gentlemen, you'l give me leave t'invite you to a Faste.
Seawit.
We are your troubles, but ready to obey.
Jointure.
Sir Solemne, What's th'occasion of your thoughts?
Trifle.
I am thinking that my Scrivener will hardly
Take that Fatt Captaines Bond.
Joynture.
You have reason, Sir.
Nine of 'em in a Teeme, have scarce the strength
To draw a Hundred pounds out of Cheapside.
Trifle.
Heaven help 'em, do they e're think to be sav'd then.
Loveright.
Come Uncle, lead the way.
Topsaile.
Small hands, full breasts, soft lips, and sparkling Eyes,
If I can board her, she'le prove lawful prize.
[Exeunt.
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