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ACT. II.
Trifle, Seawit, Loveright, Topsaile, Jointure, Cable, Carracke, Nightingale.Seawit.
Madam, your Entertainment hath been such,
So free and full of bounty, that it leaves us
No words t'express our thankfulness.
Trifle.
Give me leave,
I know what you would say, but with your favour
I'le do't, and spare your blushes: for she is
Extreamely modest you would say, and noble.
You would answer
(For here I know your thoughts) were plain and cheap,
And answer'd in no part my full desires
With cost, and curiosity, to feast
Such brave Commanders. Lady, I hope I have nick'd it,
But pray you forbear your thanks for't, 'tis suppos'd
Nay, Gallants, give me leave, you would reply,
Her bounty did transcend, and perhaps add,
That though the name of hospitality
Is lost, nay dead, in her it is reviv'd.
If any can say more, let me be put
Out of commission for't, or what is worse, speak what concernes me only.
Loveright.
The perpetual motion
Is in his Tongue I think.
Seawit.
I never read of
Such a long-winded Monster.
Trifle.
You consent.
(For so your silence warrants) all is spoken
And aptly too on both parts, that could be
Imagin'd, or expected, if there be
A doubt remaining I'le dilate it further.
Carrack.
Indeed Sir Solemne we are satisfi'd;
This only if you please.
Trifle.
What shall not now be heard, her squeaking Treble
Will drown my Tenor.
Loveright.
No meanes left to free us
From this confusion?
Seawit.
Trust it to me, Madam,
I'le not dwell long on't, Sir Solemne.
Trifle.
You would say
This Widdow does me wrong.
Seawit.
True, and that I
Will do you right, there is a wager laid
Among us after Supper, of which you are
Elected Judge.
Trifle.
And pleader too if you please.
I have wit, and tongue enough for both.
Seawit.
I know it.
But hear the wager, I'le be short and pithee.
There grew an argument, among which,
Of the Nine Worthies, Christian, Heathen, Jew,
Deserv'd privity.
Trifle.
A maine State-point.
Seawit.
'Tis so.
And to that man who best maintains this choice;
The rest in sign of Victory, are to pay
A hundred Crownes. Now if you please to walke
Into the Gallery, you shall find these Worthies
7
Of this chattering Widow, or these other tatlers,
(For they have Tongues too) you may sit in state,
And examining the dead worthies pro & contra,
Defend, accuse, object, and answer for'em.
You may spare your give me leave, or this you would say,
They will obey with silence, you may be too
As loud as you list, and make use of what action
Or gesture you shall think fit, you will find it
Such a feast of Soliloquy, and without disturbance,
As yet you never tasted.
Trifle.
The design,
Captain commands my thanks.
Seawit.
Then having practis'd,
And argu'd with your self, the several titles
These Worthies can pretend to, when we come
To disputation, being thus prepar'd,
You shall speak all your self, and we will hear you
As you were the great Turk of Eloquence,
And we your Mutes, or Statues.
Trifle.
A rare project,
I'll instantly about it.
[Exit Trifle.
Loveright.
You have bound us
Your debters Captain, in removing this
Unnecessary noise, 'tis a fit Province you have set him to govern.
Joynture.
Now we may talk
And chuse the Theam our selves.
Carrack.
I know with whom
I would discourse, but that my Cables frowns
Advise me to stand off.
Topsail.
To yield to me
Is no disparagement Cable when you have
Sate down, and rendred up all interest,
You do or can pretend unto this Lady;
It will be honor enough to have it reported
You once contended with me.
Cable.
Why good Ajax?
You would betray your reading. I have read too,
And know from whence this State-conceit was borrow'd,
Since Ovid spake English, I ne'er yet found Latin
In a Captains Commission, but one reason, why
You claim precedence of me?
Topsail.
Thou must grant
I am better parted, more polite and vers'd in
The Rules of Courtship.
Cable.
Better parted, why Sir?
Cause you have richer suits? My observation
Hath told me hitherto, that your best parts, are
A little singing out of tune, and that
With a scurvy hoarse voice, to a Fidlers Boy,
That never was admitted to a Tavern,
Shall out-do you in a Tap-house for a Test,
When your Throat is clearest. 'Tis said you can dance too,
Caper, and do tricks like a Jack-a-napes,
A prime and courtlike Vertue, which you learn'd from
The Dancing-Schools Usher, or his Underling.
Topsail.
I shall be angry.
Cable.
Fie no, you are dangerous, I'll rather come
To composition with you.
Topsail.
If it be fair,
I shall give ear to't, I am of a good nature:
Propound it.
Cable.
This way the Indenture runs then,
If you can sing, or frisk your self into
This Ladies Bed, when the Priest hath done his Office,
You shall put in security after a Moneth,
(For you are not built up, Sir, to hold out longer)
When you are forc'd to ride and visit your Uncle,
I shall have free access, and liberty
With your consent, under your hand, and seal too,
To court her, and enjoy her as a Mistress.
Topsail.
And I to be your Cuckold?
Cable.
And good reason,
Canst thou be so unconscionable as to ingross
A whole Wife to thy self, or deny me,
When thou art gorg'd up to the Throat, to feed
On thy reversions? hast thou no Charity in thee?
No feeling of thy Neighbors wants? or shall not
This young and gamesome Lady be allow'd
When 'tis in fashion, and by most subscrib'd too,
A Servant with a Husband? no compassion
On Batchelors of Fifty and odd?
Topsal.
No more.
Did not the priviledge of the place protect you
I would—
Cable.
What would you do?
Topsail.
You shall hear further,
Believ't you shall.
Loveright.
They grow loud.
Seawit.
Are you mad?
Or drunk, or both?
Topsail.
Such you may hear,
When you use better manners.
Cable.
If the Ass
Be gall'd, let him winch.
Seawit.
Do you make this Ladies house
A Sutlers Booth to braul in?
Cable.
Be not so hot, Sir,
I'll do as I think fit.
Topsal.
Preserve your Lectures
To read to your charge, Sir Furious Inland, he may hear you, and applaud it.
8
I am past
Your Tutorship.
Topsail.
I'll follow mine own designs.
[Exeunt Cable, Topsail.
Carrack.
O my brave Cable, if thou wouldst but hold
Thy Carrack to an Anchor, she would seek
No other Port, this quarrel must be tane up,
Or I am shipwrack'd.
[Exit Carrack.
Seawit.
Which way to excuse
Their incivility, or my want of judgment,
For bringing such rudeness to your presence, falls not
In my dull apprehension, it throws
A taint on our profession.
Loveright.
Not at all;
Their Leprosie cleaves to themselves, and cannot
Infect your better temper.
Seawit.
'Tis your Charity
To say so Madam.
Loveright.
Without flattery Captain,
So well I like your conversation, mirth, and freedom,
That I much wish, while the winds stay you here,
You would know no other Table, what was wanting
To day, shall be supply'd: But pray you tell me,
What kind of Man is that Sir Furious Inland,
Your charge I think they call'd him?
Seawit.
He's a Gentleman
Of fair descent, and ample means, but subject
To their disease of quarrelling; his Sword
Hangs still too near his right hand, he loves fighting
Above all pleasures, and is more delighted
With the dangers of a Duel, then the honor
Of having had the better; he was trusted
By some of his noble Kinsmen to my care,
In hope the Discipline of the War might tame him:
I have done little good upon him yet,
His mettal will not bowe. But surely, Madam,
Had he been present, he had paid these Rorers
In their own coyn, yet thus much I can say in his deferce,
In the height of all his wildness
He loves and honors Ladies; for whose service
He's still a ready Champion.
Loveright.
A strange Character;
I shall receive it as a favor, if
You grant me means to see him.
Seawit.
He's aboard,
But I'll send for him presently. He may yield
Occasion of mirth, and without hazard
Of life or limb, I will present him to you,
And till then kiss your hands.
[Exit Seawit.
Loveright.
I shall expect you.
Now Cosin, your opinion of this Captain?
The general voice (and I believe it) speaks him
A compleat Man.
Joynture.
It may be so, in his
Profession, but with your pardon Lady
Neither the place you live in, nor the company
That do frequent your house, can free you from
Severer censures.
Loveright.
Free me Cosin? I am
Careless as they are curious, to inquire into
My actions, but from you I will hear
What I am tax'd for; but I pray you speak it
In a merry tone, none by to over-hear,
Freedom and mirth becomes us.
Joynture.
I approve it.
'Tis wonder'd why (if vertuous, for your fame
Is call'd in question) having of your own
Mannors, and goodly houses in the Countrey,
And one for Winter pleasures in the City
(And that of large receipt for entertainments)
You rather chuse to live an inmate, under
Anothers Roof in a Port Town, then where
Your pow'r is absolute.
Loveright.
They come up roundly to me.
But what in their grave wisdoms do they judge
The principal motive?
Joynture.
Love of noise, and rudeness,
To see the Drums and Trumpets in the morning
To rouze you up, your own Musicians sleeping;
To see the Sailors dance, to give you colours
To every Officer, to feast the Captains,
That when they are aboard they may carouse
In Wine, while it lasts, or (that spent) Quarter-Cans
To the brave Viragos health.
Loveright.
Is this the worst
They charge me with?
Joynture.
The best construction rather
Of your coming hither, others whisper (such
Is my intelligence) that you hold a Courtier
Too soft, a Countrey Gentleman too dull,
To make a Husband, and that your main end is,
To be kiss'd to the purpose in the Gun-room,
Upon a Cannon by a rough Commander,
Then brought to Bed in his Cabbin of two Boys;
And when they are Christen'd, in the place of Bells,
To hear the Ordnance roar a lullaby to your Seaborn issue.
Loveright.
This may be, but wherefore are they thus suspicious?
Joynture.
On good grounds, and sure ones:
No Man that looks on you, will believe your purpose
To live and die a Maid, I can read Mother
Upon your Forehead, then having had such choice
Of rich, and noble Suiters; well shap'd Men too
9
Sir Studious Warwel your Idolater; he's learn'd, active, of an antient house too,
A Gentleman whose fortune equals yours,
And he to be refus'd, and by your scorn
Imploy'd, but none know whether.
Loveright.
Thou hast said Wench.
Hear me reply, the great estate commended
In this Sir Studious Warwel was a hinderance,
And no way did advance my favors to him.
I have enough, and my ambition is
To make a Man, not take addition from him.
I would have him poor, and if unlearn'd the better;
I cannot feed on the Philosophers Banquet,
Nor would I have my Bed-fellow a cold Cynik.
I will be plain too. If he have no Coat
I'th' Heralds Books, I say agen the better;
His Kinred shall not aw me with a Statue
Wanting a Nose or Ear of his great family,
Though they swear 'twas John a Gaunts. My Father was
A Soldier, and for that my Mother lov'd him.
His title of an Earl was no charm to her,
And when I find a perfect, and a poor one, still take me with you
Cosin; if a Soldier—
Joynture.
There are few of 'em rich.
Loveright.
I have the better choice then.
That perfect poor one I will make my Husband,
It is resolv'd, I'll tell thee more ere long Wench.
[Exeunt.
Scena Secunda, Topsail.
Topsail.
Let the quarrel sleep a while; to win this Lady
Concerns me nearer. If I get her, I have honor,
And never fight for't, policy must take place—
In this of valour, and I will omit
No helps that may make for me. Let me consider,
Her Uncle's powerful with her, if I can
But make him mine, with the aids of those rich Ornaments, Cable admires,
(Though he seem'd to contemn in his choller) all's Cock sure.
He comes most timely, I will upon him.
Enter Trifle with a Table Book.
Trifle.
Here are all the Points
I am to treat of. This for Alexander,
For Godfrey of Bullogne this, and good King David
I have for thee too. If I wrong the least
Of the Nine Worthies (yet I'll firk 'em home too)
May I never prove the Tenth.
Topsail.
Sir, one word with you.
Trifle.
I am to speak not hear, you trouble me.
But that I am a Christian my self,
I should incline to Hector; Julius Cesar
Did very well too, and the rest brave Men all.
As I am their Advocate their Fees alike too,
It were injustice if I should be partial,
Good Sir forbear, I have many strings to play on.
Topsail.
I, but one Suit.
Trifle.
Pray you give me leave. I know it,
In your particular fancy, you affect
Above the rest, one Worthy. Tell me his name.
I'll not be dumb in his praise.
Topsail.
Worthy? what Worthies?
Trifle.
Make it not strange. Are you not one of those
That are to night to hear the Worthies Causes
First pleaded, then decided?
Topsail.
You are jeer'd, Sir.
Trifle.
A hundred Crowns adjudg'd to him whose Worthy
Should have precedency?
Topsail.
There's no such matter,
Seawits device to send you off, while he
Courted your Neece in your absence, on my life
There was no such thing intended, or e'er dream'd on.
The company is dispers'd.
Trifle.
Have I then lost my hopeful preparations?
Topsail.
You are wrong'd.
Trifle.
Not I, posterity suffers for the loss
Of what I had deliver'd, which recited,
I had a Stationer of mine own to Print it:
I am exceeding melancholly.
Topsail.
Go aboard
With me, and purge it. Do me a favor in
Another kind, you shall not lose your labor,
I'll help you to an Auditory, that can judge too
Of your Tropes and Figures.
Trifle.
Who are they?
Topsail.
My Sailors.
I have taught 'em not to cavil at the things
They understand not, I'll be silent too,
You shall speak all your self.
Trifle.
How you engage me!
I'll take the Pictures along to make distinction
For whom I plead.
10
It will do well.
Trifle.
Your suit now,
What e'er it be 'tis granted, for this curtesie.
Out with't I pray you.
Topsail.
I'll tell you in the Cock-Boat.
[Exeunt.
Enter Cable.
Cable.
Sure this Lady's honest! Or if she be not
There's but small advantage to my hopes, whilst that
Tempter (young Topsail) hovers near her eye.
The Rogue has qualities for love, which I want.
Why he will sing you like any Widows daughter
That's working of Bone-Lace, no Weaver at
His Loom comes near him; and dance till he tire
All the Tabers in a Wake. Now the truth is
I cannot sing; for with eating
Butter, when I lay amongst
The Dutch Ships at Delph, my voice is quite gone;
And for matter of dancing, you may expect as much
From a Lobster on a Fishmongers stall.
I would the Wind would turn. No Money! and in
A Harbor too! Truth, 'tis a pretty calamity
For a Gentleman of my inclination!
Enter a Porter, Carrack.
Porter.
I left him walking from the Key, towards
The back-door of your worships Garden. Look,
There he stands, and very sad; sure he had
But a light dinner at your Worships House,
For he's eating's Nails already.
Carrack.
Get you home!
And sirrah see you pile those Billets up
I'th'yard; and do you hear, make haste, and fetch
The Glasier strait to mend the Casement in
The Darnex Chamber.
Porter.
Yes forsooth.
Carrack.
And let me see; be sure you bid the Baker
Send in more Bread to night, and let the Kid
Be made into a Pasty!
Porter.
I shall forsooth.
[Exit.
Carrack.
What melancholly Captain!
Cable.
Widow, introth my thoughts were somewhat busie,
About division of a prize.
Carrack.
Why have you taken one?
Cable.
No Widow, no! But when it shall please Heaven
T'allow us the good fortune; I was thinking
With how much Conscience, and Discretion too, I might
Dispose it into shares. I am
Very just in my Nature.
Carrack.
Well Captain, I observe of late, (and truly
With some compassion too) that you are full
Of troubled thoughts, and much opprest in heart.
Heaven keep you from lying in a Chamber
Where there is a Cross beam.
Cable.
Why do you think
I love activity, and will swing at
Midnight in my shirt?
Carrack.
Nay, they above
Know all, but certainly y'are very sad.
Cable.
As other Mortals use to be, that want
Money, Wine, or a Wench.
Carrack.
Lo you there now!
Just such another Man was my Husband,
And would talk so too. Well, Peace rest his Soul,
I'm sure his Body had but little rest
On Earth; for he was a Womans Man, Captain,
A good one too; he lay not idle he,
I speak it in my tears.
Cable.
Now can I hardly forbear to cry too,
But that I left my Handkerchief in my
Cabin, and want somewhat to dry my Eyes
When they are wet. Widow thou do'st
Not know, how much thy kindness hath prevail'd
Carrack.
I Sir, if you but guess the cause.
Cable.
Nay, I find no cause, but
Your good parts.
Carrack.
Good parts indeed! you are so like my Husband.
And just (as they say) such a rough hewn Man
Was he: So troublesome to Maids and Women,
Of meek behaviour, that they would all cry
Out on him, yet they lov'd him too: Truly he was
Scarce to be trusted in the dark.
Cable.
A modest Gentleman belike, for he
Would do no leudness before the Suns face.
Carrack.
No truly; and when the happy knot
11
Like any House-Doves, ever more billing
To the comfort indeed of all young people.
Cable.
What knot do you mean Widow?
Carrack.
Why of Matrimony.
Cable.
O is the Wind fix'd there still! If you, or
Your Vicar, get me into your Fools noose,
I'll give you leave to pull Hairs out of my Beard,
And bridle Fleas with 'em. Draw in a Yoke!
Carrack.
In sadness Captain, I could chide you now;
What is the reason you renounce Marriage?
Is it because you do not love to come
In a Church, the Priest can do't in a Chamber.
Cable.
No, no, I love Churches, I mean to turn
Pirate, rob my Countrey-men, and build one.
Carrack.
Why well said, there is some hope in that.
Cable.
But for Marriage, do not think on't. It is
A most excellent Receipt to make Cuckolds.
The short truth is, if you will ply your Malmsey,
Rejoyce o'er your spic'd Bowl, and learn to drink
Your self into a comely trance, I shall
Love you, but then sometimes you must consent too,
I mean in the dark, Widow.
Carrack.
Fie upon him! He is so like my Husband.
Cable.
Farewel! Get thee to thy Closet, and drink
To thy Husbands ghost a whole Pint of Mum.
Remember Matrimony makes Cuckolds:
'Tis to be us'd after Fourscore, when thy days
Of Temptation are so long past, thou canst
Not indanger a smooth Brow.
Carrack.
Well Sir, I'll make you tamer, or else lose
My Womans wit with watching.
[Exeunt several ways.
Enter Boatswain, Seawit.
Seawit.
Boatswain well met, thou must instantly aboard,
And fetch the Knight that is my Charge ashore.
Boats.
You mean Sir Furious Inland, surely one
Of the Winds got him, his Cradle was a Drum,
And he was nurs'd upon a Belfry.
He hath more rage and noise then a Winter storm:
Onely his Vertue is, he will out last it.
You that are his Captain Sir, may rule him:
But in your absence he hath got the trick
To rule your Officers.
Seawit.
Does he make mutiny?
Boats.
Your Master, Purser, Gunner, and his Mate,
And I my self feel him about the Shoulders:
Had he but my office two days, he would
Wear out a Cable
With Castigation, as he calls it, look!
He's come ashore already.
Enter Inland.
Seawit.
Away, leave me.
[Exit Boatswain.
My fiery Charge! Why hast thou left thy Wooden walks
In my good Ship, to tread on slippery Pebles here?
Where Men of Waves meet, and conspire
To couzen Men of War.
Inland.
What should we do at Sea without a Wind.
Seawit.
These Winds are mad blades, they'll do what they list.
Inland.
Would they had Bodies that we might fight with 'em.
Seawit.
I rather wish th'hadst an old Aunt in Norway,
That would command them with a charm: But who
Hath chas'd my little Libian Lion thus
Into a Foam? Methinks thou look'st, as thou
Didst come from slaughter, and from prey?
Inland.
A Rogue vex'd me as I pass'd through the high Street.
Seawit.
How my dear Charge.
Inland.
He askt me what a clock it was.
Seawit.
Was that offence?
Inland.
Death! Do I look like a Watchmaker, am
I bound to take charge of the hours, and give
Every Rogue intelligence how they pass.
Seawit.
Well, and how did you proceed.
Inland.
I beat him.
12
A little calmer my brave charge. In sooth
Thou hast choller enough t'enflame nine fat
Dutch Burghers, and make 'em all turne Fencers.
I've heard of your fierce discipline aboard.
Inland.
What would you have me do? Shall I rust
Like a Sword in a Scabbard for want of exercise?
Shew me the Kings Enemies and I'm satisfied!
If not, let's Subjects look to't, for I must fight.
Seawit.
Thou shalt see the Kings Enemies.
Inland.
But, Where are they?
Seawit.
Why gone aside to make their Wills, and pray,
They know they are but dead when they appear.
Inland.
Captain, I love the King, and am bound
In conscience, and good nature to kill his Enemies.
Seawit.
Why right! th'art my Disciple now, just to
My will, and wish. But prethee tell me Charge!
Besides Divine, and Morall reasons, I
Would know what secret int'rest thou hast in
The King, that makes thee leave thy Hawks,
And Hounds, to hunt his Enemies.
Inland.
Why I love him.
Seawit.
I but some cause for it
That is particular, and personal.
Inland.
I have a good one, but I'le conceale it.
Seawit.
How Charge from me? your Friend that must direct
You in the day of Fight! come', What is it?
Inland.
Why he cur'd me of the Evil.
Seawit.
Charge I thank thee.
This day, I will both reward thy good nature,
And imploy thy courage; there is now lodg'd
I'th' Town, a Lady of excellent wit and beauty.
Inland.
Does she love Fighting
Seawit.
Nay, do but hear me. Topsaile, and Cable,
Both Captains in our Fleet, are now in controversie
For her Love, and do advance their hopes
With so much fury, and ill-manner'd rage,
That they are both become her trouble.
Inland.
I'le fight with 'em.
Seawit.
A little patience, and observe, you shall
Fight with 'em, and subdue 'em too, till they
Have temper, and civility; but know
She hath an Uncle, call'd Sir Solemne Trifle.
Inland.
I'le fight with him too.
Seawit.
Nay marke me you must court him
I have design'd it so, follow and I'le instruct you.
Tis fit, whilst VVindbound thus in a dull Port,
VVe ease our want of business, with our sport.
Exeunt.]
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