 | The Wizard |  |
ACT: 2.
Sce. 1.
Enter Hog, & Delia.Hog.
Protest you play the Lady excellently you out doe
Madam Cœlia.
Del.
He hath e'ne changd me into one with his talk; no
salutations but Madam Delia, and dear Lady cast not away
your sworn servant; he haunts me like a ghost in every
corner; so that to satisfie him J was content to answer to his
compellations and giue him leaue to be an asse.
Hog:
You did well to grant it, for he would take it else,
and be a fool in spight of your teeth.
Del.
This is the first hower of Liberty J haue had since
J knew him; last night he fell a sleep with a Lady in his
mouth by the kitchen fire, where he lay till morning, and
wakeing about Break-fast, as he is of an invincible stomack,
he preferd the cooks Larder before his Ladies chamber, and
presently after he had buried a tray of dead flesh, his appetite
was up for the liueing, and then he puld me worse then a
cold Capon.
Hog.
He is thine own, wench, by my turkey eggs he is.
Del.
Alass that oath is soon broaken.
Hog.
Well hen of the game, when you have scraped a
fortune out of the dunghill, you'l not envy your Hog a little
refin'd dirt to wallow in.
No, no, thou shalt swim in golden mires, and J will
tip thy snowt with silver, whilst thy head and ears lye sowct
in sack.
Hog.
You may see how J loue honesty more then bribes
for J haue rejected 2 dozen of waiting Gentlewomen, that
besides consideration in the hand, proferd other feeling.
Del:
J hope you will be true to me you haue found me none
of your hardest dealers.
Hog.
Yet, one of my Customeres is very importunate.
Del.
Who prethee? none of our house is it.
Hog.
No, no, she that sent me the box of Tobacco, J protest
she hath had a beer license lying by her in Lavender for the
opportunity long since; well, the next draught is hers.
Del.
Faith pitty her you know not what need there may be.
Hog.
What makes your Ladies Sutors altogether?
Del.
Some demurr, some half years vacation from wooing,
or such a toy, is agreeing on.
Hog.
Here is old seiges indeed.
Del:
And yet this castle must be sakt at last, and one
wisely consider, 'twere better yeild at first, then after so
much expence of men, time, & money.
Hog.
Come we will about the project instantly.
Exeunt.
Sce. 2.
Enter Cœlia distractedly, Sr Oliver, Antonio, Sebastia«n and» Shallow.Cœl:
J am resolvd.
Seb:
Nay good Lady.
Cœl:
Witnesse these tears as pure as the weeper is,
But satisfie; for speak what other way
Leads to more safe content & J will chuse it.
Ant:
J know not that, but this J'me sure is dangerous
Medea never run a blacker course
To purchase Jason.
Cœl.
Speak; could you good Sr
After so many years in wooing spent,
Even grown white with Loue, & only lasting
Jn expectation (of what you please to stile
Your second birth) my wedding day;
Could you behold that day, this gentlemans;
(Proviso that my choice did make it his.)
And not convert to your funerall?
You could not: or you Sebastian
Who now can not admit with patience
My hand in the small scruple of a kisse
Should grace another; could you see that hand
(And not your own streight on your Rapiers hilt
Arm'd to divorce it) giuen, for ever giuen
Unto this Gentleman; you could not see it.
Shall:
Why if he could not let him choose, we can see the
way to bed without his eyes.
Cœl:
Nay mild Antonio, whom patience nurst,
(Jf any but his father should prevent him)
Would then learn fury first, and be stark mad;
You cannot and be men reject the salve
That at such distance heals and cures the wound
Before it's made: such are those registers
And darker Volumes of the higher chancery;
Which only learned eyes can read, and hands
Guarded by Magick, turn: in them are writ
And those occurrents which we still impute
To chance and fortune, there haue another stile
And are cald providence and fate, 'gainst which
'Tis vaine to fight, unless with Gyants pride
And like successe we'le war against the Gods.
Shall:
Ile streight to his Majesties Hocus Pocus & get what
J loue best, and thats this Lady.
Sr Oliv.
Now must J wait the Devills leasure for a wife?
Shall:
And in the end haue one and his horns to boot.
Ant:
This is but just
And ought to be layd home unto your sex.
Who by much more your nature weaker is
The stronger err, and doe presume on that
Which should dishearten, your infirmitie.
Makeing it still your fault and your excuse.
And these, on whom you fix your hearts content
What are they? but malignant envious souls,
The cheif repiners at the common good
Whose leanesse is their neighbors harvest time
Which starue to see another fat and plump.
Shall:
This comes home, J do not like it.
Ant:
Who haueing at too dear a rate bought skill
Of the most subtle Marchant, boast their ware
But never count the price they paid for it.
Seb:
These are your Wizards, these they you resort unto
Jf that your foisting hound refuse his plumbs,
Or Parott almonds, or if through violence
The paint should warp, or peruche chance turn round.
'Bout these portents? who would haue thought such black
And horrid crimes (as these you are about)
Had logd in natures fairest tenement,
Worse doe not spot the foulest breasts of Moors?
Ant:
And yet we doat upon this painted dirt,
Court it, and call it Angell, when indeed
Tombs and the rotten mansions of the dead
(Jf we regard only the outward form)
Are full as faire and goodly; Farewell loue?
Loue? giue it the right attribute, 'tis madness.
Cupid get thee hence
J will not harbour thee a minute longer,
Go fill the breast of fools and lunaticks
As long as J haue braine and judgment left
There is no empty place for thee: Father
Your ear J pray.
Shall:
Sebastian let us plot, let us plot, you see they joine
forces; now if you and J could make any friends to the Divells,
we should carry this businesse, think, think man, haue you
no acquaintance that way? methinks a Scrivner would be a
necessary fellow to imploy, or a hors-courser he would ride
poast about it.
Seb:
No, no, tis dangerous trusting others, you had better
goe your self, you are so thin you will passe for a spirit.
Sr Oliv:
Ha! hast thou lou'd her all this while? you plaid
The Orator for me then brauely: J did
Alwayes expect some knavery, yes, yes,
You haue your Mittimus to goe away.
Shall.
What think you of this project? J will provide two
Conjurours, and two Divells, a Divell & a Conjurer for them,
and one Divell and a Conjurer for us, now ours shall fight
theirs.
Seb:
Marry that was well thought of, but how shall you and
J agree.
Shal:
Why she shall make a feast and J will eat with you
for her, and then the quarrell will be ended presently.
Ant:
J dare not trust my ears unto her tongue,
Father your blessing.
Sr Oliv:
My Sonne is going Lady.
Shall:
And you take them going to the Divell, J'le goe to
the Divell with him.
Cœl:
Am J the cause of your departure Sr?
Ant:
No, no, J never knew you J,
J knew a Lady much in face like you
But she was rarely qualified, & had
Beauty within, which outshone that without,
She was giuen to pride nor self conceit
Nor witchcraft, no, you are not she, Farewell
J'me sure you are not.
Exit.
Cœl:
Fetch him again or J am gone for ever.
Seb:
Help, help, the Lady swounds, your hands good Gentlemen,
she doth begin to breath againe, lets carry her in and
get some comfortable things, your Sonne was too too sharp
indeed.
Shall:
They say women are light, sure tis awake then for
they are very heavy asleep.
(exeunt. bearing Cœlia)
Sce. 3.
Enter Clerimont, Antonio.Cler:
J say thou shalt be this southsayer, what wilt thou
loose a Lady of her wealth & beauty for want of a little
Legerdemaine?
Ant:
Shall J that never yet could faine a tear,
Nor mourn when that my Ladies dog was sick,
And be as witty as Catullus was
Jf that her Sparrow, Ape, or Monkey died
To whine out Elegies: or if the fates
Where pleas'd to spare the beasts, bring himns of joy,
Now turn jugler? O Simplicity!
Cler:
Hast thou not read the task that loue impos'd
Upon the Gods? how Joue did turn a Swan?
'Twere long to tell of Mars in Vulcanes net
Not so much tangled as with Venus haire;
Of Phœbus and his sisters lunacy,
Those eyes of heaven struck blind with earthly forms
And thinking them the brightest stars: O Loue
How the world wrong'd thee then to call thee boy,
Thou wert a Gyant then, but ever since
Hast lost thy strength, and dost degenerate
Jnto a dwarf, now, now thou art a boy;
How could this fondling else stand out so long
Against thy Deity?
Ant:
Peace, J am changd,
Jnto any shape thou'lt shift me, J am any thing
But that J am.
Cler:
Had J lou'd Cœlia
J would haue run through all disguise e're this
Anon, in an Jtalian dresse, appeare;
Next in the Spanish accent, garb, and state
Court my Madona; then turn Englishman,
And be all these in one; if still she stood out,
Last with Mustachoes like a Turbant Turk,
J would haue sworn by my Pendant Prophet
To make her Empresse of the heathen world,
Untill she weary of her womans name
Gaue to these arms her self a willing prey
But you are for simplicity!
Ant:
Prethee no more
J am transformd, Antonio's fled and gone,
Doe J appear like any such poor thing?
But as some misterious Oracle,
Full of ambiguous riddles; to morrow
J'le enquire after some empty house
Of certaine privacy, where J'le professe
The Mathematicks to the publick ear,
But privately some mercenary tongues
Shall giue me out to be a cunning man,
Which once arriv'd to Cœlia's itching ear
No thunder with more swiftnesse doth pursue
The place i'ts destin'd to, then her glad soule
Will fly unto my house, as to her heav'n.
Cler:
And for a trumpet for to sound thy name
Aboue thy worth, leaue that to me,
As they goe out Hog meets them & is staid by Clerimont.
Cler:
Hog hold thy hand, there's gold for thee, conster me
that.
At what time would you haue her Sir? presently
after, or before, or against bed time, or ith' morning about
cock-crowing.
Cler:
No, my nimble villaine, my Mercury, J must use your
long finger in your other vocation, thou must nim or borrow
me 12 spoons from the Lady Cœlia's Cook and reserue them
in thy boots till J call them to light;
Hog:
Jf J am apprehended J shall smoake to be sure.
Cler:
Credit me J'le saue thee from hanging.
Hog:
Doe but secure me and the spoons are yours;
Cler:
Such a buisy night would invite a theif to the gallowes
but J'le be your bayle if that you conveigh them neatly and
are not caught till J find occasion.
Hog:
'Tis no matter for that opportunity.
Cler:
To be taken shall be thy ransome rogue, what think'st
of that?
Hog:
Marry and that would be worth the seeing.
Exeunt.
Sce: 4.
Enter Penelope,O Custome what an enemy art thou to us,
Wert not for thee we might a wooing goe,
Cupid befriend me or J fear
Some serving man will snap me—
—my glass saies
J'me faire; J, but they only now are faire
Are so in others eyes.
Cler:
Js the wind thereabouts.
Pen:
Our paint is lost, and breasts set forth in vaine,
Jn vaine the Poland shoe to mend our growth
Jn vaine close bodies to erect the wast
Or any torture we fond fools inflict
Upon our selves to please you men, unless
That you be pleas'd with't; Oft hath Cœlia
Lookt sower upon her Sutor, when indeed
Jt was her streigh shoe pincht her, and he thought
His talk had been offensiue, and departed.
Cler:
S'life J'le look to my Ladies toes a little better.
Pen:
Well we are justly punisht for disdaine
Disdaine? alas J n'ere had any to disdaine,
No, J bear Cœlia's tortures, she offends
And it is J am struck.
Cler:
Alas poor Gentlewoman! if that the common courtesie
would serve turn J would befreind her; But this wedlock
noose, this matrimoniall splip's to close for me; Ladie!
Pen:
Cupid J hope hath heard me.
Cle:
You saw not Antonio Madam this way?
Pen:
You are the first and fairest object mine eyes haue
seen since these walks pleas'd me.
Cler:
Then adeu Lady and may your thoughts enjoy
Exit.
Pen:
J haue often markt
Jn this same Clerimont a strange neglect
Of woman, not Cœlia strikes his eye
More Then my self, or any household drudg.
Here were an object fit for Cupids power;
Strike then gread God of loue and let him know
No breast but homage unto thee doth owe.
Exit.
Sce. 5.
Enter Mr Shallow speaking as at the door]Mr Butler J thank you for my beaver; J pray let you and
J be better acquainted; pray tell your Brother the Cook J am
not forgetfull of him, and doe intend to call upon him 'erelong:
t'is a policy to be league with the servants still, and a greater
matter with whome and with what degree of the family you
sort, your Cook and your Butler are men by whome there is
somewhat got, nor are the dary wenches to be rejected, nor
altogether the Chamber mayds, there is somewhat to be got
by them to; as for your Gentlemen Usher, Stuard, and Coachmen
they are but lean acquaintance and accordingly respected.
Enter Hog.
Hog:
Yonder he is, J haue waited this howre at the butry
belly is the Cooks perpetuall curse, which he would fill in
hopes of breaking it; 'tis not to be thought what this thin
weazell devours, well J haue flesh for him will make his skin
reach yet J warrant him.
Shall:
Now J am victuald for an encounter with any of
these Ladies.
Hog:
And J haue one newly rigd for you.
Shall.
As for the Lady Cœlia let her goe to the Divell and
she will, J haue no stomack that way.
Hog:
He's for Delia on my Conscience, she snaps him sure.
Shall.
And yet J will not leaue her so, though the rest of
her Sutors were not as good as their word, J will.
Hog:
This is not as J would haue it, he must shake off her.
Shall.
J will part upon faire terms; J promis'd to sup with
her, and J will perform, J scorne to flinch.
Hog:
O, is that all, now, am J to enter, how now my friend,
J protest you are faln away extreamly of late, what giuen to
Melancholy, man?
Shall:
Hog? thy very name doth cheer me, J am never well
but when J am thinking of thee, Sirrah J must use your
trotters from Lady to Lady, J haue giuen o're Cœlia she is
diuelishly bent; now J am for another nay J will goe through
them all.
Enter Clerimont.
Cler:
J cannot find my Engine out; J haue espy'd him but
who is that with him, what Shallow? J had thought his lank
sides, and spindle shanks durst not haue come near a Pandar;
Hog will spend him to the bones and make a spare rib of him,
Hog drops a Letter
J marry ther's a cast of his office already, this knavery shall
make for me anon; J must observ:
Hog:
Did you drop nothing Mr Shallow?
(takes ye Letter up)
Shall.
Not J, why, what paper's that?
Hog:
Jt is directed to you; some Loue letter on my life that
Delia hath scaterd, she's full of these knavish tricks. Js't not so.
Shall:
Wilt thou say nothing Sirrah.
Hog:
Nay if it be secret J am not greedy of it.
Shall.
Come, you shall know all; Sirrah who dost think
this Letter came from?
Hog:
J guess from Delia.
Shall:
No faith, from Cœlia's sister, ô tis a cunning gipsey
Hog:
From Penelope, you amaze me, sure 'tis impossible,
what's the contents?
Cler:
Well plaid Fox, he hath the goose by the neck and
fetches him over daintily.
Shall:
Tis Loue Sirrah, would'st thou ever thought that this
harlotry Lady should have writ to me Loue letters, whome she
cald clowne, clotpate, Loggerhead; hark J will read it to thee.
Deare Mr Shallow, impute it to the power of loue that from
your greatest hater, J am turn'd unto your constant admirer;
and those matters of simplicity and blunt behaviour, which
J once made the subject of my exorbitant braine, seems now
unto me as the emblems and markes of an honest mind, not
power to render me hate for my former contempt of these
your eminent endowments, and to mock at that loue which
you haue wrought in me, but yet you know it is ignoble
cruelty that rages against penetency, the Lyon tares not an
humble and dejected prey; consider my repentance and
make the construction.
Yours by the power of loue Penelope.
Hog:
Will you beleiue this is serious, read it againe.
Shall:
The Lyon? J am much alterd in a day and a night
from an ass as she cald me to a Lyon; wel, The Lyon tares
not an humble & dejected prey; that is not so pat; for J doe
likely fall upon any thing that is before me; Consider my
repentance, and make the construction; J know not what to
make of that J will deliberate; Deare Mr Shallow
Hog:
That is an abuse in the very front, she makes a Deer
of you, or will make you one if you marry her, an horned
beast, an Actæon.
Shall:
J vow now thou saist right, she intended to make
me a Cuckold, but forward; impute it to the power of loue
that from your greatest hater J am turn'd to your constant
admirer.
Hog:
Now all that is complement.
Shall:
J, J, pox ont, J cannot indure it.
Hog:
Jf she meant any thing indeed, she would deale plainly
with you.
Shall:
And those matters of simplicity and blunt behaviour;
was not Simplicitie enough there Hog to be remembred?
J, and too much, but she explains your defect by a
Synonyma and aggravation.
Shall:
J, both, she makes me a Synonyma and aggravation;
well J will read on. Which J once made the subject of my
exorbitant braine, seems now unto me as the emblemes and
marks of an honest minde, not polluted with the colour and
art of the times. whats all this? this might be very well left
out for ought that J know; it is in your power to render me
hate for my former contempt of these your eminent endowments;
that's true now and good, but here is Eminent Endowment
is meer superfluity as thou saist.
Hog:
Well, read forward,
Shall:
And to mock at that loue, which you haue wrought
in me, but yet you know it is ignoble cruelty that rages
against penitency; against Penitency? that is false to, a meer
lie, J know no such matter: The Lyon tares not an humble
and dejected prey; consider my repentance and make the
construction,
Yours by the power of loue Penelope.
that is good now.
Hog:
Yes, yes, but that is complement, ordinary courtship
J am yours Sr, your servant, yours more then mine; owne,
they are words of course, we giue them to every body.
Shall:
Dost thou not think she loues me then?
Hog:
Yes for her own ends, will you be ruld by me? J
know she vents all her secrets to Delia, who loues you to, far
beyond this Lady; J will place you where you shall not be
you judge most sincerely and unfeignedly affects you, take.
Shall:
Jt is agreed.
Cler:
Now must J appear; Hog! how now, what you are
for new masters, old ones are forgot.
Hog:
Master J haue rare turkey eggs in a corner against the
operation.
Cler:
Come aside a little there's gold for thee.
Hog:
Good Mr excuse me, J'le refund, here's your money
back againe, J doe not like the motion.
Cler:
Come doe not play the fool; be sure you doe it or J'le
spoil your Letter-plot.
Hog:
O good Sir it shall be done; what a rogue was J to let
him know of it;
(Aside)
only doe you entertaine a few words
with him, whilst J goe about the businesse.
Exit.
Cler:
J will. now must J talk of victualls or he is gon;
Mr Shallow.
Shall:
Young Clerimont! how dost gallant boy?
Cler:
Will you sup with me to night?
Shall:
Sup with thee? thou know'st J cannot eat pottle pots
and Venice glasses, thou art for that supping altogeather.
Cler:
No faith, we haue employment for our teeth to, a
Venson-pasty and a pullet.
Shall:
What store of guests?
Cler:
Some twelve, no more.
Shall:
No more? too many by tenn, haue you nothing but
a pasty and a pullet.
Cler:
No faith, but they are excellent ones.
Shall:
How long i'st ere you meet.
Cler:
Sure he is unprovided to night, J must say late enough,
About tenn Sir.
(Aside)
Here's my hand J will meet you; by that time supper
will be done at my Lady Cœlia's.
(Aside)
Cler:
Pox on't, J had forgot it is deferd till to morrow night.
Shall:
Jn troth, and J am glad, for now J think on't J am
invited to my Lady Cœlia's.
Cler:
What a greedy rogue this is he would haue been at
both.
Enter Hog.
Hog:
J haue 'um Sr a dozen right.
Cler:
Keep u'm J'le saue you harmlesse.
Hog:
They are mist already Sir; the Butler and the Cook
were at Thou knaue about it, and while they contended, J
got away.
Cler:
Now walk yon Stallion some where else.
Hog:
Come Mr Shallow will you be going?
Shall:
J, withall my heart Hog, for J vow now J am very
hungry.
Sc: 6.
Enter Antonio and the Cook at one end & Clerimont at the other, & listens.Cook.
Only a spice of my trade Sr to greese you in the fist
with, good Sr accept it; J haue a corner of a pasty to would
be very proud to haue your hand in't.
Ant:
Maggots consume thy Pasty and thy self.
Thou varnisht swine, thou tub of kitchen stuff,
Goe to the Chandlers with thy foggy corps,
Be turnd to lights of tenn i'th pound, dost think
Dost think to catch me as thou dost thy flies,
With scraps and bitts?
Cook.
Alass Sr, the whole pie is yours; what shall J doe?
J am more afraid of him then of a strickt Lent or Emberweek.
Ant:
Well; J haue pickt a fitting punishment
Out of thy fault; Justice example takes
From crimes themselves; whereas thy sordid hand
Was the cheif actor in this bribery,
That very hand shall doe me right; next feast
When carrying a Pasty to the board,
That very hand (shakeing with fat, and feare)
Shall loose its hold, and on thy satten doublett
The broaken pie shall belch forth streams of greese
And spoil thy velvet hose, after which chance
Jn discontent thou wilt drop out of the world;
Away; thy spoons in Hog the Pandars boots
Are safe; use mercy on the slaue, away:
Cook.
J thank your worship; and pray excuse this punishment,
and i'le pay a dispensation to the poor, and they shall
haue all my Ladies almes every Sunday hereafter.
Ant:
Away J say.
Exit.
Cler:
Why this was like an artist: you haue conjur'd the
Cook into such a fear that if his pot doe but boile over, or his
pie burn, he streight reflects on you, and belieus every mischance
to be a Judgment of your inflicting.
J put a face of anger gainst his guift
Which will suggest J am no needy slaue,
Whome poverty hath sent unto the arts
And Muses to be fed, where thriueing well
(Unmindfull of my natiue dunghill) through
More sordid and base means J rake up wealth
Then e're my parents rags, or crooked pins.
Cler:
Heir of the Sciences! and full as liberall as they.
Ant:
J'me sure great shoals of Auditours
Will throng my chamber, when the news is spread
My school is free, and no mans penny sought,
No introduction, nor those crabbed words
Of Quartredges, or stipend, to be found
Upon the post whereon my bills are fixt.
Cler:
There is not one in all the town but will
Advance his hopes to be a Mercury.
Ant:
No man regards the minds impediment
And inward let, but where the Muses cheap
And books not bought, nor Tutor to be paid
Hang all Mechanicks, Learning were the trade.
Exeunt.
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