University of Virginia Library

Scen.e II.

Eitherside. To them
[Eit.]
Ever your seruant, Madame.

Tay.
Where hast'hou beene?
I did so long to see thee.

Eit.
Visiting, and so tyr'd!
I protest, Madame, 'tis a monstrous trouble!

Tay.
And so it is. I sweare I must to morrow,
Beginne my visits (would they were ouer) at Court.
It tortures me, to thinke on'hem.

Eit.
I doe heare
You ha' cause, Madam, your sute goes on.

Tay.
Who told thee?

Eyt.
One, that can tell: Mr. Eyther-side.

Tay.
O, thy husband!
Yes faith, there's life in't, now: It is referr'd.
If wee once see it vnder the seales, wench, then,
Haue with 'hem for the great Carroch, sixe horses,
And the two Coach-men, with my Ambler, bare,
And my three women: wee will liue, i'faith,
The examples o'the towne, and gouerne it.
I'le lead the fashion still.

Eit.
You doe that, now,
Sweet Madame.

Tay.
O, but then, I'll euery day
Bring vp some new deuice. Thou and I, Either-side,
Will first be in it, I will giue it thee;
And they shall follow vs. Thou shalt, I sweare,
Weare euery moneth a new gowne, out of it.

Eit.
Thanke you good Madame.

Tay.
Pray thee call mee Taile-bush
As I thee, Either-side; I not loue this, Madame.

Eyt.
Then I protest to you, Taile-bush, I am glad
Your Businesse so succeeds.

Tay.
Thanke thee, good Eyther-side.

Eyt.
But Master Either-side tells me, that he likes
Your other Businesse better.

Tay.
Which?

Eit.
O'the Tooth-picks.

Tay.
I neuer heard on't:

Eit.
Aske Mr. Mere-craft.

Mer.
Madame? H'is one, in a word, I'll trust his malice,
With any mans credit, I would haue abus'd!

Mere-craft hath whisper'd with the while.
Man:
Sir, if you thinke you doe please mee, in this,
You are deceiu'd!

Mer.
No, but because my Lady,
Nam'd him my kinsman; I would satisfie you,
What I thinke of him: and pray you, vpon it
To iudge mee!

Man.
So I doe: that ill mens friendship,
Is as vnfaithfull, as themselues.

Tay.
Doe you heare?
Ha'you a Businesse about Tooth-picks?

Mer.
Yes, Madame.
Did I ne'r tell't you? I meant to haue offer'd it
Your Lady-ship, on the perfecting the pattent.

Tay.
How is't!

Mer.
For seruing the whole state with Tooth-picks;
The Proiect for Tooth-picks.
Somewhat an intricate Businesse to discourse) but—
I shew, how much the Subiect is abus'd,
First, in that one commodity? then what diseases,
And putrefactions in the gummes are bred,
By those are made 'of' adultrate, and false wood?
My plot, for reformation of these, followes.
To haue all Tooth-picks, brought vnto an office,
There seal'd; and such as counterfait 'hem, mulcted.
And last, for venting 'hem to haue a booke
Printed, to teach their vse, which euery childe
Shall haue throughout the kingdome, that can read,
And learne to picke his teeth by. Which beginning
Barely to practice, with some other rules,
Of neuer sleeping with the mouth open, chawing
Some graines of masticke, will preserue the breath
Traines his man whispers him.
Pure, and so free from taynt—ha'what is't? sai'st thou?

Tay.
Good faith, it sounds a very pretty Bus'nesse!

Eit.
So Mr. Either-side saies, Madame.

Mer.
The Lady is come.

Tay.
Is she? Good, waite vpon her in. My Ambler
Was neuer so ill absent. Either-side,
How doe I looke to day? Am I not drest,
She lookes in her glasse
Spruntly?

Fit.
Yes, verily, Madame.

Tay.
Pox o' Madame,
Will you not leaue that?

Eit.
Yes, good Taile-bush.

Tay.
So?
Sounds not that better? What vile Fucus is this,
Thou hast got on?

Eit.
'Tis Pearle.

Tay.
Pearle? Oyster-shells:
As I breath, Either-side, I know't. Here comes
(They say) a wonder, sirrah, has beene in Spaine!
Will teach vs all! shee's sent to mee, from Court.
To gratulate with mee! Pr'y thee, let's obserue her,
What faults she has, that wee may laugh at 'hem,
When she is gone,

Eit.
That we will heartily, Tail-bush.

Wittipol enters.
Tay.
O, mee! the very Infanta of the Giants!