The Second Calender ; And The Queen of Beauty, who had the Fight with the Genie an Extravaganza, in Two Acts |
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 | The Second Calender ; And The Queen of Beauty, who had the Fight with the Genie |  |
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SCENE I.
—An oasis in the Desert. The foreground representing a deliciously fertile spot. The back of the scene an immense expanse of sand lighted by a hot Eastern Sun. A rock piece (R.) running to the top of the scene, giving the idea of a lotty cliff overrun with gourds, melons, &c. Another rock (L.) with clumps of palms, &c.Epitimarus the Great, King of the Ebony Isles.— Gulnare, his daughter—Al Kutitphat, and the entire Court, Guards, &c., seated about the stage forming a pic-nic party. Guards armed in the back ground, and the heads of two or three camels seen above the bushes. A kettle boiling over an extempore fire, as usual in such cases. The scene opens to a great noise of laughter and chattering. Epitimarus has a napkin under his chin, and is picking the drumstick of a turkey.
SONG. (Epitimarus and Chorus.)
1.
In the days when we went gipseying,A long time ago,
The Park of Richmond suited us,
Nor Hampton Court seem'd low;
We cook'd the native sausages
In Epping Forest Green,
Or tipp'd our bits of silver to
The Norwood Gipsey Queen;
For views, in those old coaching times,
Were circumscribed and slow,
In the days when we went gipseying,
A long time ago.
2.
Now, folks go yachting round the world;And fast and daring gents
Make, in balloons, equestrian
And asinine ascents;
E'en Cockney sportsmen spurn at hares,
With tigers to engage.
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To meet this rapid age:
The hot and sandy desert, p'raps,
Where fierce siroccos blow,
As a place to choose for gipseying,
They won't consider slow.
Epi.
Put up the camels—round the bottle hand, boys
Here we, at least, can be jolly as sand-boys;
Open all hampers, eatable and vinous.
[Holding up champagne to Al Kutitphat.
Do me the pleasure.
Al K.
(Accepting the challenge.)
Thank you.
Epi.
(To another Guest.)
P'raps you'll jine us.
[They take wine.
Now! Where's that salad?
Attendant.
Here!
Epi.
We'd not be pressing;
But if you don't look sharp you'll get the dressing.
Is that hot water coming?
Servant.
(At fire.)
In a minute.
Epi.
Mind what you're at with it, or you'll be in it.
I call this jolly.
Gul.
(Screams.)
Ah!
Epi.
What ails my pet?
Gul.
Here's such a spider drop't in my sherbet.
Al Kut.
(Drawing his scimitar melodramatically.)
He dies!
[Guards draw their swords and rush to the rescue.
Epi.
(Interposing.)
Desist! Your sovereign forgives
E'en Treason on a day like this.
Al K.
(Sheathing his scimitar.)
He lives!
[Guards full back into their places.
Epi.
Would'st have our pleasures marr'd by blood and sorrow?
[An attendant lets a dish fall on his head.
Holloa! My friend, your head comes off to-morrow.
There, clear away!
[Attendants clear away with alacrity, interrupting the guests in the middle of their meal. Much chagrin expressed on the assembled countenances.
Gul.
Law, Pa! We have'nt done.
Epi.
The King has—so has every mother's son.
“Give ev'ry man his dessert”—
[An Attendant (L.) carrying fruit, stumbles over his legs.
Repeat that tripping,
And you're not he “who shall escape a whipping.”
[Attendants pass with fruit.
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“I like to be particular in dates”—
Friends, isn't this delightful?
Al K.
What can match it?
[All affect the greatest pleasure.
Epi.
Be more extatic, please, or else you'll catch it.
Here, free from pomp and state, at ease delightful,
We lounge— (starts)
Holloa! I've sat on something frightful—
And gazing upon Nature's charms, may scoff
At envy's stings—
[A large Mosquito (from R.) settles on his nose.
Here! Murder! Keep him off!
[Attendants drive Mosquito away.
Yes; Here we throw all ceremony by,
As now I throw this date stone—
[He jerks a date stone violently over his shoulder. A fearful voice is immediately heard (through trumpet) exclaiming—“Oh! my eye.” Thunder! The stage is darkened. All express the greatest terror.
Epi.
What's that?
Al K.
Sire, some one call'd—
Epi.
Tell him we're out;
Gul.
We're in for something dreadful, past a doubt.
[Thunder repeated.
CONCERTED. (“Guy Fawkes”.)
Epi.
We smell a doleful tragedy; some fiendish prince of sinisters
Means mischief to th'assembled Lords, the King, and all his ministers.
Gul.
That is, he means, but as for me, a large amount I'll bet him—
He don't do what he means, for I don't mean to stay and let him.
Voice.
(Repeats.)
Oh! my eye!
Chorus.
(In a phrenzy of terror.)
Ri tol de riddle iddle!
[The Genie Jarjarhees appears on rock L., brandishing an enormous scimitar. He has a cotton pocket handkerchief bound over one eye. The Chorus yell out “Oh, my eye!” finishing the tune, and all rush out screaming, except Epitimarus, who is too frightened.
Jar.
Who pitch'd that date stone?
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Mercy!
Jar.
Hah! I knew it!
Epi.
But, mighty Sir, I didn't go to do it.
Jar.
You pitch'd it rather strong, for which you die.
Epi.
Die—pray, explain it all?
Jar
(In agony, putting his hand to his face.)
It's all my eye!
SONG. (Jarjarhees.)
“I'm sitting on the stile, Mary.”
Just sitting in a style airy,
In which we Genies glide,
On a fast young whirlwind's best box-seat
I'd booked a place outside;
I heard your singing, since no doubt
That name you call it by;
And I came here just in time to get
A date-stone in my eye.
In which we Genies glide,
On a fast young whirlwind's best box-seat
I'd booked a place outside;
I heard your singing, since no doubt
That name you call it by;
And I came here just in time to get
A date-stone in my eye.
The place is precious sore—very,
You can't conceive the pain;
And what grieves me more, henceforth I shall
Be looked upon as plain—
For I miss the soft glance of one eye.
Which volumes used to speak,
And must wear through life a green silk patch,
Which don't improve the cheek.
You can't conceive the pain;
And what grieves me more, henceforth I shall
Be looked upon as plain—
For I miss the soft glance of one eye.
Which volumes used to speak,
And must wear through life a green silk patch,
Which don't improve the cheek.
'Tis lost for ever, Fate's stern voices cry out,
Through endless ages—“There he goes with his eye out,”
Your life must pay for it—Stump up! it's due;
For this lost eye o'me, an I O U.
Through endless ages—“There he goes with his eye out,”
Your life must pay for it—Stump up! it's due;
For this lost eye o'me, an I O U.
Epi.
One word.
Jar.
What is it?
Epi.
If I really blinded it
Great Spirit! I don't you think you should have minded it?
Jar.
Gammon! (Going to strike.)
Epi.
Another word—
Jar.
Speak on, we'll let you.
Epi.
P'raps into the Ophthalmic we could get you?
Jar.
An optical delusion.
Epi.
Stay a minute—
A pot of Golden Ointment?
Jar.
Nothing in it!
Epi.
We'll levy an eye water rate?
Jar.
All stuff.
Epi.
Purchase all Grimstone's stock?
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Not worth a snuff!
Down with the dust, or rather with the sand.
(Forcing him to his knees, and about to strike.)
Epi.
Have mercy!
[The Genie is about finishing him, when Gulnare rushes in and seizes his arm.
Gul.
Monster! Stay thy murd'rous hand!
[Tableau.
I've triumph'd over fear and circumspection,
To save, from cutting, such a dear connection.
[Jarjarhees lets his scimitar fall, and gazes on Gulnark with admiration.
Jar.
What brilliant vision dazzles thus my eye,
My eye! first person singular—Oh, cry!
A pretty visage this, to charm a maid,
Unless she's not partic'lar to a shade.
(To Epi.)
Your daughter?
Epi.
(Presenting her.)
Yes; my fireside's chief adorning;
(Aside to Gulnare.)
He wants to speak to you, my dear. Good morning.
[Pushing Gulnare towards Genie, and offering to run away.
Jar.
Here, stop!
[Epitimarus stops frightened.
I'll let you go—
Epi.
(Going again.)
Oh! thank you!
Jar.
Stay!
On one condition only—
Epi.
Name it, pray.
Jar.
(Looking smirkingly at Gulnare.)
That what I ask of you is fair, you'll grant—
Epi.
No doubt. Well, what?
Jar.
Your daughter—
Gul.
That he sha'n't.
Epi.
Pooh, pooh! he shall. Yes, Sir, this priceless treasure
I yield without regret—nay, e'en with pleasure.
Take her—be happy!—bless you!—and may she
Never desert—you—as—she—now—does—me!
[In a broken voice, joining their hands after the manner of Comedy fathers.
Gul.
What! is't for this, so fondly, me you've rear'd,
And, on my schooling, no expenses spar'd,
To be a low, coarse, one-eyed Genie's bride?
Epi.
(Aside to her.)
Pooh, pooh! You'll manage—get on his blind side.
Gul.
A thing of shades and patches—
Epi.
He'll be blind
To half your faults.
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One sided views you'll find
He'll take—
Jar.
Consent or not?
Epi.
Of course, we'll make her.
Gul.
It is the one-eyed monster—
Epi.
Pooh! Deuce!—take her.
[Pushing her over to Jarjarhees.
She's under age and must.
Jar.
My prize I grab!
Gul.
Mercy!
Epi.
Good bye, dear—write home often.
Jar.
Cab!
[A small demoniac Cabman, with badge and whip rises through vampire trap.
Cabby.
Here y'are, sir!
Jar.
Hansom?
Cabby.
Werry!
Jar.
Look alive!
[Cabby goes to wing, 3 E. L., and leads in a Hansom cab drawn by a griffin. Jarjarhees hands Gulrane in. Cabby mounts perch.
Gul.
Pity!
Epi.
Needs must, dear, when such devils drive.
CONCERTED.
“Cab! cab! cab!”
Jar.
Now, drive along, good cabby!
Cabby.
Where to, sir?
Jar.
Down below!
Epi.
Good bye, dear!
Gul.
Pa! it's shabby!
To serve your daughter so!
Epi.
Pooh! nonsense! drive along.
Jar.
All right!
Gul.
No, no! all wrong!
Jar.
Cab! cab! cab! cab! what are you at?
Why don't you drive along?
Chorus.
Cab, cab, &c.
Epi.
When settled nice and snugly,
You'll think of poor papa!
Gul.
To wed a Genie ugly—
Epi.
There, that'll do, tah—tah!
[Waving his hand.
Gul.
One moment—hear me pray?
Epi.
No, thank'ee, not to day!
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Cab! cab! cab! cab! what are you at!
Drive on, you know the way!
Chorus.
Cab, cab, &c.
[The Cab drives off R. Epitimarus looks after it and then runs away L.
| The Second Calender ; And The Queen of Beauty, who had the Fight with the Genie | |