The complete poetical works of Thomas Hood Edited, with notes by Walter Jerrold |
 |
 |
CLUBS TURNED UP BY A FEMALE HAND |
|
|
|
 | The complete poetical works of Thomas Hood |  |
526
CLUBS TURNED UP BY A FEMALE HAND
‘Clubs! Clubs! part 'em! part 'em! Clubs! Clubs!’
—Ancient Cries of London.
Of all the modern schemes of Man,
That time has brought to bear,
A plague upon the wicked plan
That parts the wedded pair!
My female friends they all agree
They hardly know their hubs;
And heart and voice unite with me,
‘We hate the name of Clubs!’
That time has brought to bear,
A plague upon the wicked plan
That parts the wedded pair!
My female friends they all agree
They hardly know their hubs;
And heart and voice unite with me,
‘We hate the name of Clubs!’
One selfish course the Wretches keep;
They come at morning chimes,
To snatch a few short hours of sleep—
Rise—breakfast—read the Times—
Then take their hats, and post away,
Like Clerks or City scrubs,
And no one sees them all the day,—
They live, eat, drink, at Clubs!
They come at morning chimes,
To snatch a few short hours of sleep—
Rise—breakfast—read the Times—
Then take their hats, and post away,
Like Clerks or City scrubs,
And no one sees them all the day,—
They live, eat, drink, at Clubs!
On what they say, and what they do,
They close the Club-House gates;
But one may guess a speech or two,
Though shut from their debates:
‘The Cook's a hasher—nothing more
The Children noisy grubs—
A Wife's a quiz, and home's a bore’—
Yes,—that's the style at Clubs!
They close the Club-House gates;
But one may guess a speech or two,
Though shut from their debates:
‘The Cook's a hasher—nothing more
The Children noisy grubs—
A Wife's a quiz, and home's a bore’—
Yes,—that's the style at Clubs!
With Rundle, Dr. K., or Glasse,
And such Domestic Books,
They once put up—but now, alas!
It's hey! for foreign cooks!
‘When will you dine at home, my Dove?’
I say to Mister Stubbs,—
‘When Cook can make an omelette, love,—
An omelette like the Club's!’
And such Domestic Books,
They once put up—but now, alas!
It's hey! for foreign cooks!
‘When will you dine at home, my Dove?’
I say to Mister Stubbs,—
‘When Cook can make an omelette, love,—
An omelette like the Club's!’
Time was, their hearts were only placed
On snug domestic schemes,
The book for two—united taste,—
And such connubial dreams,—
Friends dropping in at close of day
To singles, doubles, rubs,—
A little music—then the tray—
And not a word of Clubs!
On snug domestic schemes,
The book for two—united taste,—
And such connubial dreams,—
Friends dropping in at close of day
To singles, doubles, rubs,—
A little music—then the tray—
And not a word of Clubs!
But former comforts they condemn;
French kickshaws they discuss,
They take their wine, the wine takes them,
And then they favour us:—
From some offence they can't digest,
As cross as bears with cubs,
Or sleepy, dull, and queer, at best—
That's how they come from Clubs!
French kickshaws they discuss,
They take their wine, the wine takes them,
And then they favour us:—
From some offence they can't digest,
As cross as bears with cubs,
Or sleepy, dull, and queer, at best—
That's how they come from Clubs!
It's very fine to say ‘Subscribe
To Andrews'—can't you read?’
When Wives, the poor neglected tribe,
Complain how they proceed!
They'd better recommend at once
Philosophy and tubs,—
A Woman need not be a dunce
To feel the wrong of Clubs.
To Andrews'—can't you read?’
When Wives, the poor neglected tribe,
Complain how they proceed!
They'd better recommend at once
Philosophy and tubs,—
A Woman need not be a dunce
To feel the wrong of Clubs.
A set of savage Goths and Picts,
Would seek us now and then—
They're pretty pattern-Benedicts
To guide our single men!
Indeed my daughters both declare
‘Their Beaux shall not be subs.
To White's, or Black's, or anywhere,—
They've seen enough of Clubs!’
Would seek us now and then—
They're pretty pattern-Benedicts
To guide our single men!
Indeed my daughters both declare
‘Their Beaux shall not be subs.
To White's, or Black's, or anywhere,—
They've seen enough of Clubs!’
They say, ‘without the marriage ties,
They can devote their hours
To catechize, or botanize—
Shells, Sunday Schools, and flow'rs—
Or teach a Pretty Poll new words,
Tend Covent-Garden shrubs,
Nurse dogs and chirp to little birds—
As Wives do since the Clubs.’
They can devote their hours
To catechize, or botanize—
Shells, Sunday Schools, and flow'rs—
Or teach a Pretty Poll new words,
Tend Covent-Garden shrubs,
Nurse dogs and chirp to little birds—
As Wives do since the Clubs.’
527
Alas! for those departed days
Of social wedded life,
When married folks had married ways,
And lived like Man and Wife!
Oh! Wedlock then was picked by none—
As safe a lock as Chubb's!
But couples, that should be as one,
Are now the Two of Clubs!
Of social wedded life,
When married folks had married ways,
And lived like Man and Wife!
Oh! Wedlock then was picked by none—
As safe a lock as Chubb's!
But couples, that should be as one,
Are now the Two of Clubs!
Of all the modern schemes of man
That time has brought to bear,
A plague upon the wicked plan
That parts the wedded pair!
My female friends they all allow
They meet with slights, and snubs,
And say, ‘They have no husbands now,—
They're married to their Clubs!’
That time has brought to bear,
A plague upon the wicked plan
That parts the wedded pair!
My female friends they all allow
They meet with slights, and snubs,
And say, ‘They have no husbands now,—
They're married to their Clubs!’
| The complete poetical works of Thomas Hood | |