The complete poetical works of Thomas Hood Edited, with notes by Walter Jerrold |
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ODE TO J. S. BUCKINGHAM, ESQ., M.P.
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 | The complete poetical works of Thomas Hood |  |
ODE TO J. S. BUCKINGHAM, ESQ., M.P.
ON THE REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE OF DRUNKENNESS
The liberty with you and your Committee,
Some observations I intend to make,
I hope will prove both pertinent and pretty.
On Drunkenness you've held a special court,
But is consistency, I ask, your forte,
When after (I must say) much Temperance swaggering,
You issue a Report,
That's staggering!
Yet certain parts of that Report to read,
Some men might think indeed,
A corkscrew, not a pen, had drawn it up.
For instance, was it quite a sober plan
On such a theme as drunkenness to trouble
A poor old man,
Who could not e'en see single, much less double.
Blind some six years,
As it appears,
He gives in evidence, and you receive it,
A flaming picture of a flaming palace,
Where gin-admirers sipped the chalice
And then, (the banter is not bad,)
Thinks fit to add,
You really should have seen it to believe it.
That he could see such sights I must deny,
Unless he borrowed Betty Martin's eye.
A man that is himself walks in a line,
One, not himself, goes serpentine,
And as he rambles
In crablike scrambles,
The while his body works in curves,
His intellect as surely swerves,
And some such argument as this he utters,
‘While men get cut we must have cutters,
As long as Jack will have his rum,
We must have pink, corvette, and bomb,
Each sort of craft
Since Noah's old raft,
Frigate and brig,
Ships of all rig,
We must have fleets, because our sailors swig,
And see how slops will do away with sloops!
Turn flip to flummery, and grog to gravy,
And then what need has England of a navy?’
Forgive my muse; she is a saucy hussy,
But she declares such reasoning sounds muzzy,
And that, as sure as Dover stands at Dover,
The man who entertains so strange a notion
Of governing the ocean,
Has been but half seas over.
On soberness, would not their words all walk
Straight to the point, instead of zig-zag trials,
Of both sides of the way, till having crost
And crost, they find themselves completely lost
Like gentlemen,—rather cut—in Seven Dials?
Just like the sentence following in fact:
‘Every Act
Of the Legislature,’ (so it runs) ‘should flow
Over the bed,’—of what?—begin your guesses.
The Bed of Ware?
The State Bed of the May'r?
A parsley bed?
Of cabbage, green or red?
Of onions? daffodils? of water-cresses?
A spare-bed with a friend—one full of fleas?
At Bedford, or Bedhampton?—None of these.
The Thames's bed? The bed of the New River?
A kennel? brick-kiln? or a stack of hay?
Of church-yard clay,
The bed that's made for ev'ry mortal liver?
No—give it up,—all guessing I defy in it,
It is the bed of ‘Truth,’—‘inspired’ forsooth
As, if you gave your best best-bed to Truth
She'd lie in it!
Come, Mr. Buckingham, be candid, come,
Didn't that metaphor want ‘seeing home’?
Drink's beau ideal,—
Could fancy the mechanic so well thrives.
In these hard times,
The source of half his crimes
Is going into gin-shops changing fives!
After a soundish sleep, till twelve next day,
And, perhaps, a gulp of soda—did not they
All change their notes?
You were the landlord of the Crown—the Rose—
The Cock and Bottle, or the Prince of Wales,
The Devil and the Bag of Nails,
The Crown and Thistle,
The Pig and Whistle,
Magpie and Stump—take which you like,
The question equally will strike;
Suppose your apron on—top-boots,—fur cap—
Keeping an eye to bar and tap,
When in comes, muttering like mad,
The strangest customer you ever had!
Well, after rolling eyes and mouthing,
And calling for a go of nothing,
He thus accosts you in a tone of malice:
‘Here's pillars, curtains, gas, plate-glass—What not?
Zounds! Mr. Buckingham, the shop you've got
Beats Buckingham Palace!
It's not to be allowed, Sir; I'm a Saint,
So I've brought a paint-brush, and a pot of paint,
You deal in Gin, Sir,
Glasses of Sin, Sir;
No words—Gin wholesome?—You're a story-teller—
I don't mind Satan standing at your back,
The Spirit moveth me to go about,
And paint your premises inside and out,
Black, Sir, coal black,
Coal black, Sir, from the garret to the cellar.
I'll teach you to sell gin—and, what is more,
To keep your wicked customers therefrom,
I'll paint the Great Death's Head upon your door—
Write underneath it, if you please—Old Tom!’
How would you act with the intruder, Sir?
Surely, not cap in hand, you'd stand and bow,
But after hearing him proceed thus far,
(Mind—locking up the bar)
You'd seek the first policeman near,
‘Here, take away this fellow, here,
The rascal is as drunk as David's Sow!’
Ourselves and the General Post, I mean—
What was that gentleman's true situation
Who said—but could he really stand
To what he said?—‘In Scottish land
The cause of Drunkenness was education!’
In modern Athens, a fine classic roof,
Christened the High School—that is, over proof!
Conceive the sandy laddies ranged in classes,
With quaichs and bickers, drinking-horns and glasses,
Ready to take a lesson in Glenlivet!
Picture the little Campbells and M'Gregors,
Dancing, half fou', by way of learning figures;
And Murrays,—not as Lindley used to teach—
Attempting verbs when past their parts of speech—
Imagine Thompson, learning A B C,
By O D V.
Fancy a dunce that will not drink his wash,
And Master Peter Alexander Weddel
Invested with a medal
For getting on so very far-in-tosh.
Fancy the Dominie—a drouthy body,
Giving a lecture upon making toddy,
Till having emptied every stoup and cup,
He cries, ‘Lads! go and play—the school is up!’
In drinking, like as twin to twin,—
When other means are all adrift,
A liquor-shop is Pat's last shift,
Till reckoning Erin round from store to store,
There is one whisky shop in four.
Then who, but with a fancy rather frisky,
And warm besides, and generous with whiskey,
Not seeing most particularly clear,
Would recommend to make the drunkards thinner,
By shutting up the publican and sinner
With pensions each of fifty pounds a year?
Ods! taps and topers! private stills and worms!
What doors you'd soon have open to your terms!
How strange, besides, must seem
At this time any scheme
To put a check upon potheen's consumption,
When all are calling out for Irish Poor Laws!
Instead of framing more laws,
To pauperism, if you'd give a pegger,
Don't check, but patronise their ‘Kill-the-Beggar!’
(Buttoning his coat, with nothing but his skin in)
Would any Christian man—that's quite himself,
His wits not floor'd, or laid upon the shelf—
While blaming Pat for raggedness, poor boy,
Would he deprive him of his ‘Corduroy!’
Would any gentleman, unless inclining
To tipsy, take a board upon his shoulder,
Near Temple Bar, thus warning the beholder,
‘Beware of Twining?’
Are tea dealers, indeed, so deep-designing,
As one of your select would set us thinking,
That to each tea-chest we should say Tu Doces,
(Or doses,)
Thou tea-chest drinking?
Should I attempt to trace
The vice of drinking to the high in place,
And say its root was on the top o' the tree?
But I am not pot-valiant, and I shun
To say how high potheen might have a run.
I told you that a lady friend of mine,
By only looking at her wine
Flushed in her face as red as a flamingo?
Would you not ask of me, like many more,—
‘Pray, Sir, what had the lady had before?’
A rum cask bursting in a blaze,—
Should I be thought half tipsy or whole drunk,
If running all about the deck I roar'd
‘I say, is ever a Cork man aboard?’
Answered by some Hibernian Jack Junk,
While hitching up his tarry trouser,—
How would it sound in sober ears, O how, Sir,
If I should bellow with redoubled noise,
‘Then sit upon the bung-hole, broth of boys?’
A little what is called how-come-you-so,
They think themselves as steady as a steeple,
And lay their staggerings on other people—
Taking that fact in pawn,
What proper inference would then be drawn
By e'er a dray-horse with a head to his tail,
Should anybody cry,
To some one going by,
‘O fie! O fie! O fie!
You're drunk—you've nigh had half a pint of ale!’
They say is being rather slow and dull,
Oblivious quite of what we are about—
No one can doubt
Some weighty queries rose, and yet
You miss'd 'em,
For instance, when a Doctor so bethumps
What he denominates ‘the forcing system,’
Nobody asks him about forcing-pumps!
Suppose that I should start
Some theory like this,—
‘When Genesis
Was written—before man became a glutton,
And in his appetites ran riot,
Content with simple vegetable diet,
Eating his turnips without leg of mutton,
'Tis my belief
He was a polypus, and I'm convinc'd
Made other men when he was hash'd or minced!’—
Did I in such a style as this proceed,
Would you not say I was Farre gone, indeed?
How sober it would look in public eyes,
For our King's Counsel and our learned Judges
When trying thefts, assaults, frauds, murders, arsons,
To preach from texts of temperance like parsons,
By way of giving tipplers gentle nudges.
Imagine my Lord Bayley, Parke or Park,
Donning the fatal sable cap, and hark,
‘These sentences must pass, howe'er I'm pang'd
You Brandy must return—and Rum the same—
To the Goose and Gridiron, whence you came—
Gin!—Reverend Mr. Cotton and Jack Ketch
Your spirit jointly will despatch—
Whiskey, be hang'd!’
Mounted upon a pile of Dunlop cheeses,
I gave the following as public warning,
Would there not be sly winking, coughs and sneezes?
Or dismal hiss of universal scorn.
‘My brethren, don't be born,—
But if you're born, be well advised—
Don't be baptised.
If both take place, still at the worst
Do not be nursed,—
At every birth each gossip dawdle
Expects her caudle,
At christenings, too, drink always hands about,
Nurses will have their porter or their stout,—
Don't wear clean linen, for it leads to sin,—
All washerwomen make a stand for gin—
If you're a minister—to keep due stinting,
Never preach sermons that are worth the printing,
And when you court, watch Miss well after dinner.
Never run bills, or if you do don't pay,
And give your butter and your cheese away,—
Build yachts and pleasure-boats if you are rich,
But never have them launched or payed with pitch,
In fine, for Temperance if you stand high,
Don't die!’
Did I preach thus, Sir, should I not appear
Just like the ‘parson much bemused with beer?’
But here, alas! by space my pen is tether'd,
And I can merely thank you all in short,
The witnesses that have been called in court,
And the Committee for their kind Report,
Whence I have picked and puzzled out this moral,
With which you must not quarrel,
'Tis based in charity—That men are brothers,
And those who make a fuss,
About their Temperance thus,
Are not so much more temperate than others.
What is your occupation? My occupation has been in the weaving line; but having the dropsy six years ago, I am deprived of my eyesight.
2734. Did you not once see a gin-shop burnt down?—About nine months ago there was the sign of the Adam and Eve at the corner of Church-street, at Bethnal-green, burnt down, and they had such a quantity of spirits in the house at the time that it was such a terrible fire, that they were obliged to throw everything into the middle of the road to keep it away from the liquor, and it was all in flames in the road; and the gin-shop opposite was scorched and broke their windows; and there was another gin-shop at the opposite corner, at three corners there were gin-shops, and was, from the fire, just like a murdering concern; for you could not get round the corner at all, it was so thronged that a man could not believe it unless he saw it.
3893. If temperance were universal, do you think we should need any line-of-battle ships? —It would be very unsafe for us to be without them.
1686. Do you mean to infer from that, that the law in all its branches should be in accordance with the Divine command?—I do; every Act of the Legislature should flow over the bed of inspired truth, and receive the impregnation of its righteous and holy principles.
2512. Are they in the habit of bringing £5 notes to get changed, as well as sovereigns?—Very rarely; I should think a £5 note is an article they seldom put in their pockets.
3006. Do you think it would be of good effect, were the Legislature to order that those houses should be painted all black, with a large death's head and cross-bones over the door?—I wish they would do even so much.
4502. What are the remote causes that have influenced the habit of drinking spirits among all classes of the population?—One of the causes of drunkenness in Scotland is education.
3804. Did you observe the drinking of spirits very general in Ireland?—In Ireland, I think, upon a moderate calculation, one shop out of every four is a whiskey-shop, throughout the whole kingdom. Those who have been unsuccessful in every other employment, and those who have no capital for any employment, fly to the selling of whiskey as the last shift.
773. Now suppose we were to give £50 a-year to every spirit-seller in Belfast, to pension them off (and I am sure it would be much better for the country that they should be paid for doing nothing than for doing mischief)—
795. Another description of what would be termed adulterated spirits, is by the vulgar termed ‘Corduroy.’
789. It is quite common, in Dublin particularly, to have at one end of the counter a large pile of tea-chests for females to go behind, to be hid from sight: but the dangerous secrecy arises chiefly from the want of suspicion in persons going into grocers' shops.
788. It is a well known fact, that mechanics' wives not unfrequently get portions of spirituous liquors at grocers' shops, and have them set down to their husbands' accounts as soap, sugar, tea, &c.
816. Do you ascribe the great inclination for whiskey at present existing among the lower classes, originally to the use of it by the higher classes as a favourite drink? I attribute a very large portion of the evil arising from the use of spirituous liquors to the sanction they have received from the higher classes; the respectable in society I hold to be the chief patrons of drunkenness.
759. What do you mean by the phrase ‘run’?—It means, according to a common saying, that for one gallon made for the King, another is made for the Queen.
4627. A lady informed me lately, that in dining out, although she should not taste a drop in the hob and nob at dinner, yet the lifting of the glass as frequently as etiquette requires, generally flushed her face a good deal before dinner was ended.
3901. Are you aware of the cause of the burning of the Kent East Indiaman in the Bay of Biscay?—Holding a candle over the bung-hole of a cask of spirits, the snuff fell into the cask and set it on fire. They had not presence of mind to put in the bung, which would have put out the fire; and if a man had sat on the bung-hole it would not have burnt him, and it would have put it out.
4282. Do many young men visit those houses?—A very great many have done, more so than what visit the regular public-houses. I was in one of those places about twelve months ago, waiting for a coach, and there came into the beer-shop twenty-two boys, who called for half a gallon of ale, which they drank, and then they called for another.
1211. The over-stimulation, which too frequently ends in the habit of drunkenness in Great Britain in every class, is the result of the British forcing system simply.
1282. Was not vegetable food prescribed in the first chapter of Genesis?—Vegetable food was appointed when the restorative power of man was complete. The restorative power in some of the lower animals is still complete. If a polypus be truncated or cut into several pieces, each part will become a perfect animal. —Vide Evidence of Dr. Farre.
975. What happy opportunities, for example, are offered to each Judge and King's Counsellor at every assize, to denounce all customary use of distilled spirit as the great incitement to crime. The proper improvement of such opportunities would do much for temperance.
4642. When a clergyman gets a new manse he is fined in a bottle of wine; when he has been newly married, this circumstance subjects him to the same amicable penalty; the birth of a child also costs one bottle, and the publication of a sermon another. —By J. Dunlop, Esq.
4637. The absolute necessity of treating females in the same manner, in steam-boat jaunts, is lamentable.
4637. Some youths have been known to defer their entrance into a temperate society till after their marriage, lest failure in the usual compliments should be misconstrued, and create a coldness with their future wives.
4639. A landlady, in settling with a farmer for his butter and cheese, brings out the bottle and the glass with her own hands, and presses it on his acceptance. How can he refuse a lady soliciting him to do what he is, perhaps, unfortunately already more than half inclined to?
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