Miscellaneous writings of the late Dr. Maginn :: :: University of Virginia Library

An auncient waggonere stoppeth ane tailore going to a wedding, whereat he hath been appointed to be best manne, and to take a hand in the casting of the slippere.

And hee stoppeth one of nine:—
“Now wherefore dost thou grip me soe
With that horny fist of thine?”

“The bridegroom's doors are opened wide,

The waggonere in mood for chat, and admits of no excuse.

And thither I must walke;
Soe, by youre leave, I must be gone,
I have noe time for talke!”

Hee holds him with his horny fist—

The tailore seized with the ague.

“There was a wain,” quothe hee,
“Hold offe thou raggamouffine tykke,”—
Eftsoones his fist dropped hee.

Hee satte him downe upon a stone,

He listeneth like a three years and a half child.

With ruefulle looks of feare;
And thus began this tippyse manne,
The red nosed waggonere.

“The waine is fulle, the horses pulle,

The appetite of the tailore whetted by the smell of cabbage.

Merrilye did we trotte
Alonge the bridge, alonge the road,
A jolly crewe I wotte;”—

And here the tailore smotte his breaste,
He smelte the cabbage potte!
“The nighte was darke, like Noe's arke,

The waggonere, in talking anent Boreas, maketh bad orthographye.

Oure waggone moved alonge;

The hail pour'd faste, loude roared the blaste,
Yet stille we moved alonge;
And sung in chorus, ‘Cease loud Borus,’
A very charminge songe.

“‘Bravoe, bravissimoe,’ I cried,

Their mirthe interrupted.

The sounde was quite elatinge;
But, in a trice, upon the ice,
We hearde the horses skaitinge.

“The ice was here, the ice was there,

And the passengers exercise themselves in the pleasant art of swimminge, as doeth also their prog, to witte, great store of colde roasted beef; item, ane beefstake pye; item, viii choppines of usquebaugh.

It was a dismale mattere,
To see the cargoe, one by one,
Flounderinge in the wattere!

102

“With rout and roare, we reached the shore,
And never a soul did sinke;
But in the rivere, gone for evere,
Swum our meate and drinke.

The waggonere hailethe ane goose. with ane novel salutatione.

“At lengthe we spied a goode grey goose,
Thorough the snow it came;
And with the butte ende of my whippe,
I hailed it in Goddhis name.

“It staggered as it had been drunke,
So dexterous was it hitte;
Of brokene boughs we made a fire,
Thomme Loncheone roasted itte.”—

The tailore impatient to be gone, but is forcibly persuaded to remain.

“Be done, thou tipsye waggonere,
“To the feaste I must awaye.”—
The waggonere seized him bye the coatte,
And forced him there to staye,
Begginge, in gentlemanlie style,
Butte halfe ane hour's delaye.

2. Part Second.

The waggonere's bowels yearn towards the sunne.

“The crimson sunne was rising o'ere
The verge of the horizon;
Upon my worde, as faire a sunne
As ever I clapped eyes onne.

The passengers throwe the blame of the goose massacre on the innocent waggonere.

“'Twill be ane comfortable thinge,”
The mutinouus crewe 'gan crye;
“'Twill be an comfortable thinge,
Within the jaile to lye;
Ah! execrable wretche,” saide they,
“Thatte caused the goose to die!

The sunne sufferes ane artificial eclipse, and horror follows, the same not being mentioned in the Belfaste Almanacke.

“The day was drawing near itte's close,
The sunne was well nighe settinge;
When lo it seemed as iffe his face
Was veiled with fringe-warke-nettinge.

Various hypotheses on the subject, frome whiche the passengeres draw wronge conclusions.

“Somme saide itte was ane apple tree,
Laden with goodlye fruite,
Somme swore itte was ane foreigne birde,
Some said it was ane brute;
Alas! it was ane bumbailiffe,
Riding in pursuite!

103

“A hue and crye sterte uppe behind,

Ane lovelye sound ariseth; ittes effects described.

Whilke smote oure ears like thunder,
Within waggone there was drede,
Astonishmente and wonder.

“One after one, the rascalls rann,

The passengers throw somersets.

And from the carre did jump;
One after one, one after one,
They felle with heavy thump.

“Six miles ane houre theye offe did scoure,
Like shippes on ane stormye ocean,
Theire garments flappinge in the winde,
With ane shorte uneasy motion.

“Their bodies with their legs did flye,

The waggonere complimenteth the bumbailiffe with ane Mendoza.

Theye fled withe feare and glyffe;
Why star'st thoue soe?—With one goode blow,
I felled the bumbailiffe!”

3. Part Third.

“I feare thee, auncient waggonere,
I feare thy hornye fiste,
For itte is stained with gooses gore,
And bailiffe's blood, I wist.

“I fear to gette ane fisticuffe

The tailore meeteth Corporal Feare.

From thy leathern knuckles brown;
With that the tailore strove to ryse—
The waggonere thrusts him down.

“‘Thou craven, if thou mov'st a limbe,
I'll give thee cause for feare;’—
And thus went on, that tipsye man,
The red-billed waggonere.

The bumbailiffe so beautifull!

The bailiffe complaineth of considerable derangement of his animal economye.

Declared itte was no joke,
For, to his knowledge, both his legs,
And fifteen ribbes were broke.

“The lighte was gone, the nighte came on,

Policemen with their lanthernes, pursue the waggonere.

Ane hundrede lantherns sheen,
Glimmerred upon the kinge's highwaye,
Ane lovelye sighte I ween.

104

“‘Is it he,’ quoth one, ‘is this the manne,
I'll laye the rascalle stiffe;’—
With cruel stroke the beak he broke
Of the harmless bumbailiffe.

Steppeth 20 feete in imitatione of the Admirable Crichtoun.

“The threatening of the saucye rogue
No more I coulde abide.
Advancing forthe my goode right legge,
Three paces and a stride,
I sent my lefte foot dexterously
Seven inches thro' his side.

Complaineth of foul play, and falleth down in ane trance.

“Up came the seconde from the vanne;
We had scarcely fought a round,
When some one smote me from behinde,
And I fell down in a swound:

One acteth the parte of Job's comfortere.

“And when my head began to clear,
I heard the yemering crew—
Quoth one, ‘this man hath penance done,
And penance more shall do.’”

4. Part Fourth.

The waggonere maketh ane shrewd observation.

“Oh! Freedom is a glorious thing!—
And tailore, by the bye,
I'd rather in a halter swing,
Than in a dungeon lie.

The waggonere tickleth the spleen of the jailor, who daunces ane Fadango.

“The jailore came to bring me foode,
Forget it will I never,
How he turned up the white o' his eye,
When I stuck him in the liver.

Rejoicethe in the fragrance of the aire.

“His threade of life was snapt; once more
I reached the open streete;
The people sung out ‘Gardyloo’
As I ran down the streete.
Methought the blessed air of heaven
Never smelte so sweete.

Dreadeth Shoan Dhu, the corporal of the guarde.

“Once more upon the broad highwaye,
I walked with feare and drede;
And every fifteen steppes I tooke
I turned about my heade,
For feare the corporal of the guarde
Might close behind me trede!

105

“Behold upon the western wave,
Setteth the broad bright sunne;
So I must onward, as I have
Full fifteen miles to runne;—

“And should the bailliffes hither come

The waggonere taketh leave of the tailore,

To aske whilke waye I've gone,
Tell them I took the othere road,
Said hee, and trotted onne.”

The tailore rushed into the roome,
O'erturning three or foure;

To whome ane small accidente happeneth. Whereupon followeth the morale very proper to be had in minde by all members of the Dilettanti Society when they come over the bridge at these houres. Wherefore let them take heed and not lay blame where it lyeth nott.

Fractured his skulle against the walle,
And worde spake never more!!

Morale.

Such is the fate of foolish men,
The danger all may see,
Of those, who list to waggonere,
And keepe bad companye.