Poems upon several Occasions :: :: University of Virginia Library

A right Noble, Valorous Prince, and a Bold Britain. He is Famous for Keeping a Good Round Table for Himself, and his Knights. Tho' our Hudibras seems to be of a different Opinion:

------ Arthur wore in Hall
Round Table like a Farthingal;
On which, with Shirt pull'd out behind,
And eke before, his Good Knights din'd.
Tho' 'twas no Table, some suppose,
But a huge Pair of round Trunk Hose.

Hud.

Is very memorable,
For Number of his Valiant Knights,
And Roundness of his Table:
His Knights in Circle round it sat,
As round, as round might be,
And all together made up one
Large Hoop of Chivalry.

367

He had a Sword both large and sharp,
Ycleped Calibourn,
'Twould cut a Flint more easily
Than Penknife pares a Corn.
As Roman Augur's Steel of Yore

His Name was Actius Nævius; who shew'd his Tricks of Legerdemain before Tarquinius Priscus. He was a Notable Shaver, and had an Enchanted Razor; and, by all Accounts, was the first that dissected Whetstones.

Dissected Tarquin's Riddle,
So this would cut both Conjurer,
And Whetstone in the Middle.
He was the Cream of Brecknock,
And Flow'r of all the Welch:
But Good St. George the Dragon fell'd,
And gav' him a plaguy Squelch.

St. George he was for England,
St. Dennis was for France,
Sing Honi Soit qui Mal y pense.

368

II.

Tamerlane with Tartarian Bow

A Scythian Prince that brought down the High Stomach of Bajazet, that Insolent Emperor of the Turks. He kept him in a Cage, fed him with Hemp-feed and Water; whence 'tis fabl'd he sung but a Sorrowful Ditty.

The Turkish Squadrons slew,
And fetch'd the Pagan Crescent down,
With Half-Moon made of Yew.
His trusty Bow proud Turks did gall
With Show'rs of Arrows thick;
And Bow-strings, without Strangling, sent
Grand-Viziers to Old Nick.
He coop't in Cage grim Bajazet,
Prop of Mahown's Religion,

So I think he is wrote by Fairfax, in his Translation of Tasso. As most Notorious Cheats do, he goes by various Appellations—I do not find any Arabian, or Turkish Historian, make any Mention of his Christian Name.

As if't had been the whisp'ring Bird

This same Mahomet kept a tame Pigeon, that he brought up to peck out of his Ear. This Bird he pretended was the Courier that brought him his Letters of Inspiration.

That prompted him, the Pigeon.
In Turky-Leather Scabbard he
Did sheath his Blade so Trenchant,
But George he swing'd the Dragon's Tail,
And cut off ev'ry Inch on't.

St. George, &c.

369

III.

He was the Son of Thetis, a Goddess of the Sea. Tho' some Authors tell you, She was no more than the Retailer of an Oyster-Tub, and in Days of Yore cry'd Thames Flounders.

Achilles of Old Chiron learn'd

A Centaur, which is a promiscuous Creature, made up of a Man and an Horse. He could kick, and cuff, go, and sit still, and (for ought I know) discourse, and neigh at the same time. Our Author says, He taught Achilles to Ride the Great Horse; and 'tis very likely that his Pupil (like most Young Gentlemen) sometimes Rode him.

The Great Horse for to ride,
Taught by the Centaurs Rational Part
Th' Hinnible to bestride.
Bright Silver Feet, and shining Face

This is from Homer, I am told, who was the first that Lampoon'd the Grecian Heroes, and Jack-Boots. I shall forbear to quote the Words in the Original, they being Heathen Greek, and consequently may be offensive to many a good, sober Christian's Eyes.

Had the stout Hero's Mother;
As Rapier's silver'd at one End,
And wounds you with the other.
Thetis to Two-fold Pedagogue
Commits her tender Boy,
Who bred him from a slender Twig
To be the Scourge of Troy.
He, e're he lash'd the Trojans, was
In Stygian Water steep't,

'Tis fabl'd, that Achilles's Mother dipt him in Styx, a River of Hell; which made him invulnerable in all Parts, but his Pagan Heel.

As Birchen Rod's first sok'd in Piss,
When Boys are to be whipt.

370

His Myrmidons robb'd Priam's Barns

A People of Thessaly, who from Pismires were conjur'd into Men. In good sooth they were laborious Husbandmen, that thrash'd, often carry'd Eggs, and sometimes brought their Pigs to a Fair Market.

And Hen-Roosts, says the Song,
Carry'd away both Corn and Eggs,
Like Ants, from whence they sprung.
Himself tore Hector's Pantaloons,

Son of Priamus, King of Troy; who was unmercifully drubb'd by Achilles, and then dragg'd shirtless round about the City.

And sent him down bare-breech'd
To Pedant Radamanthus, in

One of the Judges of Hell. Tho' our Author seems to suggest, that he was a Low-Country School-Master.

A Posture to be switch'd,
But George he made the Dragon look
As if h' had been bewitch'd.

St. George, &c.

IV.

The Amazon Thalestris was

She was a Queen of the Amazons: They were North-Country Lasses, never marry'd, but kept their Gallants. And, because they were observ'd never to produce Twins, cut off one of their Breasts when young, &c.

Both beautiful and bold,
She sear'd her Breasts with Iron hot,
And bang'd her Foes with cold.

371

Her Hand was like the Tool wherewith
Jove keeps proud Mortals under,
Like his with dreadful Flashes shone,
And batter'd like his Thunder.
Her Eyes dart Lightning, that would blast
The proudest He that swagger'd,
And melt the Rapier of his Soul
In its Corporeal Scabbard.
She kept the Chastness of a Nun,
In Armour, as in Cloyster;
But George undid the Dragon just
As you'd undo an Oyster.

St. George, &c.

V.

Full fatal to the Romans was
The Carthaginian Hanni-

A Great General that slew so many Roman Knights at Cannæ, a little Village in Apulie. He always wink'd with one Eye, and was accounted an Excellent Marksman. A Sowre-look'd, Vinegar-fac'd Hero.

bal, Him I mean, who gave to them
That devilish Thump at Cannæ.

372

Moors, thick as Goats on Penmenmore,
Stood on the Alps's Front,
Their one-ey'd Guide, like blinking Mole,
Bor'd thro' th' opposing Mount;
Who, baffl'd by the Massy Rock,
Took Verjuice for Relief,
Like Ploughmen, when they hew their Way
Thro' stubborn Rump of Beef.
As dancing Louts from humid Toes
Cast Atoms of ill Savour,
While Village Waits blink o're vile Crowd,
And Merriment endeavour;
Sawing from suff'ring Timber out
A wretched Tune to quiver;
So Romans stunk, and squeak'd at Sight
Of African Conniver.

373

The tawny Surface of his Phiz
Did serve him for a Vizard;
But George he made the Dragon have
A Grumbling in his Gizzard.

St. George, &c.

VI.

Pendragon, like his Father Jove,

Jupiter was suckl'd by a She-Goat, call'd Amalthæa; but the Name of Pendragon's Nurse is not to be found in the British Annals.

Was fed with Milk of Goat,
And in Return a Shield made of
His shaggy Nurse's Coat.
On Top of burnish'd Helmet he
Did wear a Crest of Leeks,
And Onion-Heads, whose dreadful Nod
Drew Tears from Hostile Cheeks.
Itch and Welch Blood did make him hot,
And very prone to Ire,
H' was ting'd with Brimstone like a Match,
And would as soon take Fire.

374

The Britain never tergivers'd,
But was for adverse Drubbing,
Nor ever turn'd his Back to ought,
But to a Post for Scrubbing.
He wounded, and in their own Blood
Did Anabaptize Pagans;
But George he made the Dragon an
Example to all Dragons.

St. George, &c.

VII.

So hard-favour'd a Damsel, that she turn'd every thing she look'd upon into Stone.

Gorgon a twisted Adder wore
For Knot upon her Shoulder,
She kemb'd her hissing Perewig,
And Curling Snakes did powder.
These Snakes they made stiff Changelings
Of all Folks that they hiss't on,
They transform'd Barbers into Hones,
And Masons into Free-stone.

375

The Post-diluvian Stones unmans,
And Pyrrhus' Work unravels,

Deucalion and Pyrrha, the only Two the Deluge could not wash away; These turn'd Stones into Men, as the Gorgon Men into Stones.

And stares Deucalion's hardy Boys
Into their Prim'tive Pebbles.
She Noddles into Marble turns,
That weeps at Change of Weather;
But George the Dragon tore, as Heav'n
And Earth wou'd come together.

St. George, &c.

VIII.

Brave Warwick-Guy, at Dinner-time,

The Actions of this Great Champion you'll see at large, in the Famous History of Guy Earl of Warwick; a Book well worth your Reading.

Challeng'd a Giant Savage,
When strait came out unweildy Lout
Brimful of Wrath and Cabbage:

376

He had a Phiz of Latitude,
And was full thick in th' Middle,
The puff'd Cheeks of a Trumpeter,
And Paunch of Squire-Beadle;

These 'Squire-Beadles, in Days of Yore, were Persons of Distinction, and made a Great Figure in the University.

But the Knight fell'd him like an Oak,
And did upon his Back tread,
The Valiant Guy his Weazon cut,
And Atropos his Packthread.
Besides he fought with a Dun Cow,
As say the Poets witty,
A dreadful Dun, and horned too,
Like Dun of Oxford City.
She vanquish'd many a sturdy Wight,
And proud was of the Honour,
Was puff'd by mauling Butchers so,
As if themselves had blown her.

377

At once she kick'd, and push'd at Guy,
But all that would not fright him;
Who wav'd his Whinniard o're Sir Loin,
As if h' had gone to knight him.
Then slew, and rear'd vast Crooked Rib,
Instead of Arch Triumphal;
But George the Dragon gave a Doust,
Which made him on his Bum fall.

St. George, &c.

IX.

Great Hercules the Offspring was

He was the Son of Hercules and Alcmena; a Monster-Drubber from his Cradle; where he strangl'd Two Dragons no less terrible than that of St. George, or the other of Wantly.

Of Jove and Fair Alcmene,
One Part of him Celestial was,
The other Part Terrene:
To Scale the Hero's Cradle-Walls
Two fiery Snakes combin'd,
And Curling into swadling Bands,
About the Infant twin'd:

378

The Boy undaunted heard them hiss,
And e're he scarce had Rag on,
Squeez'd out the Poyson Flames and Breath
Of one—and th' other Dragon.
He cleans'd a Stable, and rubb'd down
The Horses of New-Comers,
And out of Horse-Dung rais'd up Fame,
As Gard'ner does Cu-cumbers.

Our Hero was first Groom of the Stable to Augeas, King of Elis. He cleans'd it from Thirty Years Compost, by letting the River Alpheus Flow thro' it.

Alpheus the liquid Ostler, he
Appointed Under-Groom,
The Streams disgust at Office mean,
Went murm'ring thro' the Room.
This Hercules as Soldier, and
As Spinster could take pains;
His Club would sometimes spin you Flax,
And sometimes knock out Brains.

379

Often he fought with huge Battoon,
And oftentimes he boxed,
Tapp'd a fresh Monster once a Week,
As Drawer does fresh Hogshead.
He gave Antæus a close Hug,

A Huge Gyant, as big as either of those in Guild-Hall, and a Notable Wrestler, that rose the better for being thrown: As Tradesmen, and Bones are the stronger for being broken.

As Wrestlers do in Cornwal;
But George the Dragon knock'd o' th' Head,
As dead as any Door-Nail.

St. George, &c.

X.

The Valour of Domitian

One of the Roman Emperors, a Persecutor of Humble-Bees, and Christians. He first invented Cobweb-Nets, and Fly-flaps.

Must never be forgotten,
Who from the Jaws of blowing Flies
Protected Veal and Mutton.
A Squadron of Flies-Errant now
Against the Foe appears,
With Regiments of buzzing Knights,
And Swarms of Volunteers.

380

The Warlike Wasp encourag'd 'em
With animating Hum,
And the loud brazen Hornet was
Instead of Kettle-Drum.
The Spanish Don Cantharido
Did him most sorely pester,
And rais'd on Skin of Vent'rous Knight
Full many a plaguy Blister.
A Bee whipt thro' his Button-hole,
As thro' Key-hole a Witch,
And stabb'd him with a little Tuck,
Drawn out of Scabbard-Breech.
But the undaunted Knight lifts up
An Arm both big and brawny,
And slash'd her so, that here lay Head,
And there lay Bag of Honey.

381

Surviving Flies did Curses breathe,
And Maggots too at Cæsar;
But George he shav'd the Dragon's Beard,
And Ask'lon was his Razor.

St. George, &c.

XI.

The Gemini sprung from an Egg,

Twins, the Offspring of Jupiter and Læda. They were Bully-Backs to their Sister Helena, a famous Greek Courtezan.

Which laid was in a Cradle,
Their Brains with Knocks and Bottl'd Ale
Were oftentimes full addle.
Castor a Horseman, Pollux eke
A Boxer was I wist,
The one was fam'd for Iron Heel,
Th' other for Leaden Fist.
Pollux, to shew he was a God,
When he was in a Passion,
With Fist made Noses fall down flat
By way of Adoration.

382

As sure as French Disaster, he
Demolish'd Noses Ridges,
And, like a certain Lord, was fam'd

Lord Lovelace, who at the Revolution broke down the Bridges at Oxford.

For breaking down of Bridges.
Castor's fam'd Horse that liv'd on Oats
Is Sung on Oaten Quill,
By Bard's immortal Provender
The Nag surviveth still.
This shelly Brood on none but Knaves
Employ'd their brisk Artill'ry,
Nat'rally flew at Rogues, as Eggs
At Dan. de Foe in Pillory.
Much Sweat they spent in furious Fight,
Much Blood they did effund,
Their Whites they vented thro' the Pores,
Their Yolks thro' gaping Wound.

383

Then both from Blood and Dust were clean'd,
To make a Heav'nly Sign,
The Lads were, like their Armour, scour'd,
And then hung up to shine.
Such were the Heav'nly Double Dicks,
The Sons of Jove and Tindar;
But George he cut the Dragon up,
Like any Duck or Whindar.

St. George, &c.

XII.

By Boar-Spear Meleager ac-

He slew a wild Boar. 'Tis story'd of him, that he was to live as long as a certain Billet remain'd unburn'd, which being thrown into the Fire, that and his Life expir'd together. He had an Inflammation in his Bowels, and dy'd of a burning Fever.

quired a Lasting Name,
And from the Haunch of basted Swine
Hew'd out Eternal Fame.
His tawny Hairs erected were
By Rage that was resistless;
And Wrath, instead of Cobler's Wax,
Stiffen'd his rising Brist—les.

384

His Tusks laid Dogs so dead asleep,
Nor Whip nor Horn cou'd wake 'em;
It made them vent both their last Blood,
And their last Album Græcum.
But the Knight gor'd him with his Spear,
To make of him a tame one,
And Arrows thick, instead of Cloves,
He stuck in Monster's Gammon.
For Monumental Pillar, that
His Triumphs might be known,
He rais'd up in Cylindrick Form
A Collar of the Brawn.
He sent his Shade to Shades below,
In Stygian Mud to wallow;
And eke the stout St. George est soon
He made the Dragon follow.

St. George he was for England,
St. Dennis was for France,
Sing Honi Soit qui Mal y pense.