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(THE GHOST-WALK.)
College commencements I sing!—where students, their long courses finished,
Meet for commencing another, with confidence slightly diminished;
Meet to go out in the great world with new competition quivering;
Stand on the warm college-threshold, and view the bleak prospect with shivering.
Ah! how they wish, then, their time had been garnered with better precision!
Memory looks at them edgewise, and smiles with good-natured derision.
Still she must pardon some slips, if inclined to be perfectly truthful:
God in His kindness decreed, that 'twas proper for youth to be youthful.
Meet for commencing another, with confidence slightly diminished;
Meet to go out in the great world with new competition quivering;
Stand on the warm college-threshold, and view the bleak prospect with shivering.
Ah! how they wish, then, their time had been garnered with better precision!
Memory looks at them edgewise, and smiles with good-natured derision.
Still she must pardon some slips, if inclined to be perfectly truthful:
God in His kindness decreed, that 'twas proper for youth to be youthful.
Flutters of flowers and of ribbons! how plainly the June college-measures
Bring back the dear adolescence, with all of its plagues and its pleasures!
How do the sunbeams of mid-June shine back to the days, when as students
Gaily we pranced through the sunlight, with boyhood's delicious imprudence!
How does the thrill hurry back, of midnight assemblings mysterious—
Where foolish pranks were concocted with business ability serious!
Think you, because you are agéd, and your circulation needs forcing,
Youth's irrepressible blood-cells no more like a racehorse are coursing?
Boys should be boyish, says Nature, as long as their boyhood stays by them:
Oftentimes, far in life's journey, their friskiness yet lingers nigh them.
Pranks most deliciously foolish sometimes help the system, most wisely;
Earth must have more or less nonsense, or else it would roll too precisely.
Still, when it comes to this hazing, that worries the colleges yearly,
None with mature sense of order, but always condemns it sincerely.
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How do the sunbeams of mid-June shine back to the days, when as students
Gaily we pranced through the sunlight, with boyhood's delicious imprudence!
How does the thrill hurry back, of midnight assemblings mysterious—
Where foolish pranks were concocted with business ability serious!
Think you, because you are agéd, and your circulation needs forcing,
Youth's irrepressible blood-cells no more like a racehorse are coursing?
Boys should be boyish, says Nature, as long as their boyhood stays by them:
Oftentimes, far in life's journey, their friskiness yet lingers nigh them.
Pranks most deliciously foolish sometimes help the system, most wisely;
Earth must have more or less nonsense, or else it would roll too precisely.
Still, when it comes to this hazing, that worries the colleges yearly,
None with mature sense of order, but always condemns it sincerely.
Why is the world full of hazing?—set sleuths the great mystery tracking.
Seldom a nook on this planet, where wholly the process is lacking.
Townsman is hazing his townsman; the brother oft hazes his brother:
Most of the people, in some way, are constantly hazing each other.
Wall Street its bulls and its bears makes friendly while some new arrival
Takes his “rough house” with shrewd patience, and grins at his hat's non-survival;
Shop-toilers perpetrate tricks on new mates, with amiable meanness;
Newest arrivals thus roasting, with view to correcting their greenness.
Gossips keep worrying the world, in language of various phrasing:
Surely, if “Life is a school”, part of the tuition is hazing.
(All of which facts the subscriber, though loving good fun rather dearly,
Must in the int'rests of order, condemn and regret most sincerely.)
Seldom a nook on this planet, where wholly the process is lacking.
Townsman is hazing his townsman; the brother oft hazes his brother:
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Wall Street its bulls and its bears makes friendly while some new arrival
Takes his “rough house” with shrewd patience, and grins at his hat's non-survival;
Shop-toilers perpetrate tricks on new mates, with amiable meanness;
Newest arrivals thus roasting, with view to correcting their greenness.
Gossips keep worrying the world, in language of various phrasing:
Surely, if “Life is a school”, part of the tuition is hazing.
(All of which facts the subscriber, though loving good fun rather dearly,
Must in the int'rests of order, condemn and regret most sincerely.)
Zadoch F. Jones was a student whose face for existence begged pardon;
Smooth as a well's placid surface, and fresh as the shrubs of a garden
Grown for domestic consumption: 'twas sad that such sacch'rine completeness
Ever should go where the sour world could mar its delectable sweetness;
Sad that such pure milk of kindness be soiled by the world's reckless fury!
(His habitatio prima was somewhere in farther Missouri.)
That this young man from Missouri be “shown” through the proper instruction,
Hazers to all of their antics took part in a prompt introduction.
Woke him at midnight for breakfast; compelled terpsichorean capers;
Sent him to church the first Sabbath, with hair done up neatly in papers;
Made him a night-muffled factor in property-rightings and wrongings;
Bade him take chickens to chapel secured from professors' belongings;
Hoisted him, tied on a ladder, in spite of intense objurgations,
Up to a window that sheltered a spinster of two generations;
Made him of bouquets and flowers the generous and happy possessor,
Which he in kindness should leave for the wife of a bach'lor professor;
Put him through sham 'nitiations, with “fraters” around him thick-thronging—
Taught him the clan “sign”—two thumbs and eight fingers his slim ears prolonging;
Swore him to always resist the behests of his stern Alma Mater,
Put him through blindfolded stunts, and enthroned him in tubs of cold water;
“Cut his throat” fiercely with ice, and then fed him an “angle-worm” diet,
Made out of hot macaroni; assessed him the money to buy it;
Placed him blindfolded in windows, with well-described “distances” under—
Pushed him out—safe on the floor—prepared to be riven in sunder;
(All of which antics are mentioned that they may be censured austerely,
And to affirm the stern statement that they should be punished severely.)
Smooth as a well's placid surface, and fresh as the shrubs of a garden
Grown for domestic consumption: 'twas sad that such sacch'rine completeness
Ever should go where the sour world could mar its delectable sweetness;
Sad that such pure milk of kindness be soiled by the world's reckless fury!
(His habitatio prima was somewhere in farther Missouri.)
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Hazers to all of their antics took part in a prompt introduction.
Woke him at midnight for breakfast; compelled terpsichorean capers;
Sent him to church the first Sabbath, with hair done up neatly in papers;
Made him a night-muffled factor in property-rightings and wrongings;
Bade him take chickens to chapel secured from professors' belongings;
Hoisted him, tied on a ladder, in spite of intense objurgations,
Up to a window that sheltered a spinster of two generations;
Made him of bouquets and flowers the generous and happy possessor,
Which he in kindness should leave for the wife of a bach'lor professor;
Put him through sham 'nitiations, with “fraters” around him thick-thronging—
Taught him the clan “sign”—two thumbs and eight fingers his slim ears prolonging;
Swore him to always resist the behests of his stern Alma Mater,
Put him through blindfolded stunts, and enthroned him in tubs of cold water;
“Cut his throat” fiercely with ice, and then fed him an “angle-worm” diet,
Made out of hot macaroni; assessed him the money to buy it;
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Pushed him out—safe on the floor—prepared to be riven in sunder;
(All of which antics are mentioned that they may be censured austerely,
And to affirm the stern statement that they should be punished severely.)
Smoked with him one pleasant evening—some dozen or two of the “knowing”,
Filled his small room with the vapors of all the worst weeds that were growing;
Till he to Saint Nicotina, while most of the company blessed her,
Gave up good shares of his meals that pertained to the current semester;
Till the name ribald folk give, to the men of Missouri's creation,
Had in this youthful exponent, an ultra-pronounced illustration.
So he lay down on his bed, as white as its pillowcase, nearly,
(Pitied, e'en now, by good people, who view such transactions austerely.)
Filled his small room with the vapors of all the worst weeds that were growing;
Till he to Saint Nicotina, while most of the company blessed her,
Gave up good shares of his meals that pertained to the current semester;
Till the name ribald folk give, to the men of Missouri's creation,
Had in this youthful exponent, an ultra-pronounced illustration.
So he lay down on his bed, as white as its pillowcase, nearly,
(Pitied, e'en now, by good people, who view such transactions austerely.)
Gave him a “ghost-walk”: there never was scholastic outrage committed,
Worse than that function of students for heavenly regions unfitted!
In “Handsome” Livingston's chamber—the finest our college then boasted,
It was decreed that “Missouri” by mythical spooks should be roasted.
Handsome were “Handsome's” apartments, with furnishings costly and splendid:
(Much more his father did for him, than governors usually then did:
Now the poor son of the rich man considers his parents too prudent,
If, plus expense, he's not given a salary for being a student.)
In “Handsome” Livingston's “study”, a few chosen comrades assembled,
Singing “Sweet Home”, till the picture of Livingston's home fairly trembled;
Whereat, “Missouri”, who, homesick, loved John Howard Payne's touching ditty,
Crept in and sung with the rest: a melodious object of pity.
Worse than that function of students for heavenly regions unfitted!
In “Handsome” Livingston's chamber—the finest our college then boasted,
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Handsome were “Handsome's” apartments, with furnishings costly and splendid:
(Much more his father did for him, than governors usually then did:
Now the poor son of the rich man considers his parents too prudent,
If, plus expense, he's not given a salary for being a student.)
In “Handsome” Livingston's “study”, a few chosen comrades assembled,
Singing “Sweet Home”, till the picture of Livingston's home fairly trembled;
Whereat, “Missouri”, who, homesick, loved John Howard Payne's touching ditty,
Crept in and sung with the rest: a melodious object of pity.
Then was a ghost-song exploited; then stories of much-atoned killing,
Came, by each other suggested, well-fitted young blood to be chilling.
All the wide regions of spook-land were canvassed for uneasy tenants,
Making this earth the parade-ground of frequent pedestrian penance;
No one unhardened to shades, but would feel, in that case, very queerly:
Wherefore, all well-disposed folk, must condemn such proceedings, sincerely.
Came, by each other suggested, well-fitted young blood to be chilling.
All the wide regions of spook-land were canvassed for uneasy tenants,
Making this earth the parade-ground of frequent pedestrian penance;
No one unhardened to shades, but would feel, in that case, very queerly:
Wherefore, all well-disposed folk, must condemn such proceedings, sincerely.
Stories were flourished of spirits that came far, without being wanted;
Every remark that was made, by some ghost of allusion was haunted.
Lowered somehow were the lights, then: and entered a white apparition—
Well it might chill all the young blood, to see it, in any condition!
Then came some more, that looked like him as near as a brother or cousin,
Till the deplorable number made inroads well up to a dozen.
Then, Oh supremest of horrors!—there sailed out of Sheol a shipment—
Satan himself!—with hoofs, horns, and much other Satanic equipment;
Then all these ghosts gathered round this young lad, his corpuscles congealing;
Ah! 'twas no wonder his red hair made efforts to fresco the ceiling!
(Pause I a moment, rejoicing that all who are reading this, nearly,
Such a transaction condemn, and would punish it very severely.)
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Lowered somehow were the lights, then: and entered a white apparition—
Well it might chill all the young blood, to see it, in any condition!
Then came some more, that looked like him as near as a brother or cousin,
Till the deplorable number made inroads well up to a dozen.
Then, Oh supremest of horrors!—there sailed out of Sheol a shipment—
Satan himself!—with hoofs, horns, and much other Satanic equipment;
Then all these ghosts gathered round this young lad, his corpuscles congealing;
Ah! 'twas no wonder his red hair made efforts to fresco the ceiling!
(Pause I a moment, rejoicing that all who are reading this, nearly,
Such a transaction condemn, and would punish it very severely.)
Fearing a sentence to Tophet by this undesirable jury,
Kneeling and gazing toward Heaven, the frightened young man from Missouri
Prayed to be “shown” the right way—and apparently soon had instruction:
For he accosted the ghosts, with a strikingly short introduction.
Kneeling and gazing toward Heaven, the frightened young man from Missouri
Prayed to be “shown” the right way—and apparently soon had instruction:
For he accosted the ghosts, with a strikingly short introduction.
First at the devil he plunged: and soon, with good Orthodox passion,
Knocked the fiend out of himself, in a regular Sullivan fashion;
Tore off his horns, and then used them for violent sudden abrasion,
Even as Sampson a jaw-bone on one great historic occasion.
Did what he pleased with the phantoms, with all their weird trimmings encumbered;
Piled them in heaps, till the room with débris of the next world was lumbered.
Took no excuse from their comrades in trying to shield or befriend them;
Broke “Handsome” Livingston's nose when he manfully sought to defend them;
Ground up the bricabrac promptly, with all these gyrations extensive;
Smashed two fine mirrors that “Handsome” had quoted as ultra-expensive;
Capsized an inkstand of silver that held something less than a barrel,
Draping the carpet in mourning, and spoiling some yards of apparel;
Knocked the whole room into wreckage; then stood, with red hair in dishevel,
High on the ruins, and waving the horns of the disabled devil,
Shouted, “Ye minions of darkness, go back to the red flames that fry you!
Here in the strength of high Heaven, in the name of the Lord I defy you!”
Then for his room he departed, with manner contented and cheerly:
After which ghosts, as a rule, let Missouri alone most severely.
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Tore off his horns, and then used them for violent sudden abrasion,
Even as Sampson a jaw-bone on one great historic occasion.
Did what he pleased with the phantoms, with all their weird trimmings encumbered;
Piled them in heaps, till the room with débris of the next world was lumbered.
Took no excuse from their comrades in trying to shield or befriend them;
Broke “Handsome” Livingston's nose when he manfully sought to defend them;
Ground up the bricabrac promptly, with all these gyrations extensive;
Smashed two fine mirrors that “Handsome” had quoted as ultra-expensive;
Capsized an inkstand of silver that held something less than a barrel,
Draping the carpet in mourning, and spoiling some yards of apparel;
Knocked the whole room into wreckage; then stood, with red hair in dishevel,
High on the ruins, and waving the horns of the disabled devil,
Shouted, “Ye minions of darkness, go back to the red flames that fry you!
Here in the strength of high Heaven, in the name of the Lord I defy you!”
Then for his room he departed, with manner contented and cheerly:
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